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10 Signs of Walking Depression

This is Part 1 in a series on depression in creatives.

Part 2: 10 Ways to Walk Away from Depression
Part 3: When Medication Isn’t Enough: Rethinking Depression with Eric Maisel

Note: I wrote this article to raise awareness of low-grade depression, which many people don’t recognize in themselves. I am an author and creativity coach, so I wrote it particularly for writers and artists, but these signs could apply to anyone ~ I believe we are all creative in one way or another.

There are many causes of depression; in my work I focus on people’s needs to create art and to make meaning, and on how to deal with the depression that arises when those needs go unmet for whatever reason.


Let’s play a little word association.

When I say someone is DEPRESSED, what comes to mind?

You might think of someone who:

  • Looks or acts sad most of the time
  • Cries often
  • Can’t feel any emotions (positive or negative)
  • Can’t get out of bed or leave the house
  • Can’t work
  • Can’t take care of themselves or others
  • Thinks or talks about suicide

That’s what severe depression can look like, and it’s a terrible and potentially deadly illness. Most people would notice those signs, realize something was wrong, and hopefully get some help.

But depression has many different faces and manifestations.

I was one of the walking depressed. Some of my clients are too.

We have many of the symptoms of clinical depression, but we are still functioning.

On the surface, people might not know anything is wrong. We keep working, keep going to school, keep looking after our families.

But we’re doing it all while profoundly unhappy. Depression is negatively impacting our lives and relationships and impairing our abilities.

Our depression may not be completely disabling, but it’s real.

10 Signs of Walking Depression

“I once read that succumbing to depression doesn’t mean you are weak, but that you have been trying to be strong for too long, which is maybe a form of denial. So much of life happens somewhere in between being okay and complete breakdown—that’s where many of us live, and doing so requires strength.” ~ novelist Matthew Quick

Walking depression can be hard to recognize because it doesn’t fit the more common picture of severe depression. But it can be just as dangerous to our well-being when left unacknowledged.

This list isn’t meant to be exhaustive or to diagnose anyone. But these are some of the signs I’ve observed in myself and those I’ve coached:

Nothing is fun. You root around for something to look forward to and come up empty.

You can’t find flow. Working on your creative projects feels like a grind, but you keep plodding away. There is research that shows that neuroticism (the tendency toward negative moods) is associated with lower rates of flow.

Your energy is low. Maybe you’re not getting enough rest because you’re too anxious to sleep, or you’re trying to cram too many tasks into a day, or you’re punishing yourself by staying up. Whatever the reason, you are effin’ tired.

You feel worse in the morning and better at night. I remember explaining this to a friend, who found it mystifying. In the morning I felt the crushing weight of all the things I had to do that day. In the evening I was temporarily free from expectations and could enjoy a moment’s respite.

You have simmering resentment toward others. Sure, you’re still doing what everybody asks of you, but you stew in anger the whole time. You are jealous of and bitter toward people who look happier than you feel.

Your self-talk gets caustic. You say nasty things in an effort to shock yourself into action. You use shame as a motivator.

You feel distanced from people around you. It’s hard to have genuine, intimate conversations because you have to keep up this front that you are alright.

You deprive yourself of creative work time (the artist as sadomasochist). This helps you exert some control and stirs up feelings of suffering that are perversely pleasurable. Also, taking on new projects that prevent you from writing or making art lets you prove to yourself that you’re still strong and capable.

Jen Lee has coined the term Dutiful Creatives to describe those who are inclined to take care of their responsibilities before anything else.

“If life were a meal, you’d consider your creativity as the dessert, and always strive to eat your vegetables first. Pacing and knowing how to say No are your strengths, but your creativity is more essential to your well-being than you realize.” from Jen Lee’s Quiz: What Kind of Creative Are You

You notice a significant mood change when you have caffeine or alcohol. A cup of coffee might make you feel a lot more revved-up and optimistic. A glass of wine might make you feel really mellow and even ~ gasp! ~ happy. (That’s how I finally realized that I was depressed.)

You feel like you’re wasting your life. Some people have a high sensitivity to the inherent meaning in what we do. Creativity coach Eric Maisel calls this our “existential intelligence.” If our daily activities don’t carry enough significance ~ if they don’t feel like a worthwhile use of our talents and passions ~ then soon we are asking ourselves, “What’s the point? Why should I keep going?”

(Eric Maisel has published a book called Rethinking Depression, which I talk to him about in this post, When Medication Isn’t Enough.)

Why is it hard to admit that you have walking depression?

You may recognize many of these signs in your life but still be slow to admit that you are depressed. Why is that?

Because it feels presumptuous to put yourself in that category when you’re still getting by. You feel like it would be insulting to those who are much worse off than you. You may feel like you have no real reason to be depressed.

Because your pride and your identity take a hit. You have to admit vulnerability and allow that you are not the all-conquering superhero you thought you were.

Because you realize that you and your life need to change, which feels like more work piled on your plate.

Because you are admitting your own responsibility for your unhappiness and that can trigger self-judgment.

Because you might uncover grief or anger at those around you for not seeing and taking better care of you.

What to do, what to do?

I’ve posted another entry about how creatives heal from walking depression, and here are the highlights:

  • Rest.
  • Make use of medication and other physical treatments.
  • Do therapy.
  • Practice gratitude.
  • Make connections.
  • Reduce your responsibilities.
  • Spend time creating.
  • Change your thoughts.
  • Develop a meaning practice.
  • Change your life.

These steps are simple to say, not easy to do, so make sure you get as much support as you can.

Important: If you are in dire straits, please contact your doctor or visit the International Suicide Prevention Wiki to find a hotline near you.

Pilgrimage of Desire: a path out of walking depression

My life’s work is to help writers and artists recognize their depression and find healing by making their creative work a priority.

One of the ways I do that is by sharing my own story of depression and recovery in a memoir called Pilgrimage of Desire. The book is interspersed with coaching questions and exercises, which help readers take their own steps toward happiness.

book-pilgrimage

As a young adult, I longed to make my mark on the world as a writer. But after university, I got sidetracked by all the demands of ordinary life.

Soon I joined the ranks of the walking depressed. I was working, volunteering, and looking after my family, but I was also desperately sad.

I found the path out of depression by following my desires—to write, to travel, to become a mother and a creativity coach. Eventually I left ordinary life behind. My husband quit his job and we sold our house and headed out on a trip around the world with our kids, aged five and three. I thought I’d found my happy ending, but there was more to the story …

Click here to buy Pilgrimage of Desire on Amazon

Do these signs ring true for you? Have you ever been depressed and kept on walking?

I invite you to share your own experiences in the comments. When you do, please be kind to yourself and others. Kindness is the watchword. To keep this space safe and helpful, I remove comments that are unkind or invalidate other people’s experience of depression.

Hundreds of you read this post every day, and the comments that you leave are heart-breaking and heart-lifting. I can’t respond to every comment, but please know that I read each one and send you my love and hope for healing. Keep letting us know that you’re there. And if you feel like you want to hurt yourself, please get help right away.

UPDATE: A video for those who responded to this article when it was first posted in March 2012.

Photo credit: Oleg Sidorenko

{ 1939 comments… add one }

  • Christine (Girl on Fire) Reed March 15, 2012, 12:20 am

    I see this every single day in my healing movement work with women, who simply refuse to put anything about themselves first. It is my greatest frustration as a teacher.

    • Me me February 2, 2015, 7:24 pm

      I only put myself first when my youngest became a tween and I realized that the impact of my amazing mothering but self sacrificing attitude wasn’t balanced role modelling and put too much pressure on the kids. I was only able to put myself on the list and not spend my days doing things I dreaded because I should when I realized I also had to role model happiness and how to get it… And not just achievement. It is still new and difficult and required pulling away from my extended family so as not to go back to old patterns of devaluing myself. I’m also pulling away from friends until I can at least fake being someone who likes herself with less stress from doing that… I have the perfect life but I don’t see it… Those smiling, size 2, billionaire, Los Angeles moms… Ugh.

      • Violet January 4, 2016, 9:17 am

        Me me,

        I’m experiencing what you are talking about! “Amazing mothering” but throwing myself under the bus in the process. And then now attempting to reclaim myself but feeling crazy guilty about it. It feels crazy, scary, and wrong. Yet to be a role model, I know it’s critical to make my own fulfillment a priority. My kids are 7, 9, 11, 15 and 17. Except for the youngest, the kids do not need or want me hovering. I have tons of interests and passions and have accomplished cool things. What is up with all this MOM GUILT??? I feel like my husband and children will all hate me and reject me if I pull away and delight myself. Even though it is totally irrational. I wish I could locate the source of that awful, negative, soul crushing false belief.

        • Julia January 17, 2017, 2:19 pm

          Violet, you took the words right out of my mouth

        • Robee March 22, 2017, 10:08 am

          I have a wonderful hardworking husband and a beautiful daughter. We have a home and have savings. We aren’t extravagant and are not rich by any means but co.pares to alot of people i k ow we are doing well.

          I try to convince myself that i am happy and satisfied but i am not. I have worked with doctors, medication,councellors and my biggest break has been with cognitive hypnotherapy to help ease my anxiety. However i am at the same old point. That are so many things i want to do in this world, like creative artwork and acting, which is my life long love and yet i have always been to scared to do anything about it. I have ordered your book today and hope that i can change my, our lives also…

      • Lyndha Evensen September 6, 2016, 11:16 am

        Me me, I too find it difficult to put me first. I think that I like Don Quixote must find my Windmill, my Quest! I grew up in L.A. I worked in the media. Size 2 was never accomplished, though I had friends who could! But my depression has come after finishing Law School in FL. And, I find that I have put aside my desires for years because of my sense of duty to others. You, at least, have raised a child. I never achieved that. However, I am not willing to give up! I do have the ability to do more! We must each find our path, our own reasons to live! You have accomplished so much! There has to be more!

      • William Block April 5, 2019, 3:50 pm

        I can relate to most of these signs, but one of them is inverted for me. I feel fine in the morning, and then at night I’m hit really hard with a depressive episode. Medication just doesn’t seem to help, so I’m really just stuck sitting in my misery.

        • FABIAN BARRERA June 29, 2020, 4:27 pm

          Ugh me too. I’m all over the place with my emotions. Sometimes I don’t know how I’m functioning. I can’t open up to anyone and I’m realizing I’m really alone.. although I shouldn’t say that being a Christian. I have Jesus so I should be happy! I guess I’m not dealing with issues, it’s so frustrating.

          • TKHerron January 5, 2021, 3:26 pm

            Fabian,
            Please do not feel guilt by saying, “I’m a christian, and I am unhappy”. I too have gone through this, I continue to struggle at times. Furthermore, I’m a pastoral counselor! Now, how messed up does that seem?
            I have come to realize, I am body (physical), mind (soul & neuroscience), and spirit (my believe in Jesus Christ) to others it may ge their higher power, the universe, etc.
            At times, these three parts of me are completely out of balance and not in sync with one another. Guilt and shame only furthers the gap.
            Love and Blessings to you.

        • Delilah April 15, 2021, 12:00 am

          I feel the same way , in the morning I feel this load of anxiety that I need to get everything done and at night I feel exhausted and sad without even having a big workload ..

        • Ob June 21, 2021, 1:40 pm

          I was reading the epistles of Paul and realized he sounded burned out… and he KNEW Jesus was to face. Even Christ himself was a man “aquainted with grief” at last we’re in great company! <3

    • unknown February 19, 2015, 9:22 am

      How does one put themselves first? What if there is nothing you enjoy, then how do you know how to do that?

      • Claire March 5, 2015, 8:12 pm

        I so want to change, to get back to the me who woke looking forward to the new day. Most of all I want to stop dreading nightfall. My anxiety level goes up, my heart races and I have a feeling of being totally unwell. I’ve lost interest in traveling (something I’ve always enjoyed), stopped using my membership tickets to the plays at our local theatre, and I’ve just noticed I seldom surround myself with music as I once did ( in the car and at home).
        I prefer not to resort to pills but may have too. I’m working out 3x weekly at my local gym which helps a little.
        Please share any tips you might have for getting over this total hatred of nighttime. I have no reason to be anxious or depressed that I’m aware of.

        • Andy Byrne April 28, 2015, 8:36 am

          Dread of the nighttime… Can totally relate to this. Very strange but almost feels like an overnight prison sentence. Racing thoughts etc etc… Can’t wait for morning!

          • Aimee June 22, 2015, 12:14 pm

            I hate getting into bed each night. Once I’m asleep I’m fine, but I dread the time between when I lay down and actually fall asleep. That’s when the worst thoughts come.

          • Lostpenny December 24, 2015, 8:14 pm

            I feel the same. My mind is convinced that it is required to torture itself. I tried to sleep but ended up crying for twenty minutes, under the pretence of existentialism but really I know there’s something wrong with me, not the world.

          • Jen January 17, 2016, 11:11 am

            I definitely have this. Thanks for giving a term to it. Walking depression, I like that. I am an extremely emotional person and have always seen that as a terrible thing to be. Having grown up in an environment where I didn’t feel okay to make mistakes, I feel that I continuously critique myself and thus bring myself down without even necessarily meaning to. It’s so automatic that my downward spiral brings me further into depression. I enjoy being around people, yet many times I’m completely overanalyzing every second hoping to not offend and then also desiring acceptance from all that I end up wanting to leave in the first few minutes once the excitement is over. I feel like I have been crying wolf in that I claim these deep emotions and have these deep reactions but then I’m so excited and enthusiastic in the next minute. Perhaps its ADHD combined with depression and anxiety, but I’ve only just barely been okay with saying that I have problems with anxiety. In my late twenties, I want to be a writer, but my confidence is shot most of the time and I don’t truly believe that I can do it. I’m afraid and I know I’m restricting myself by not going forward and actually doing things. I hate those moments before you go to sleep that I actually avoid falling asleep even if i’m tired. I don’t know what my next steps will be, and I want to be okay with that, but I’m constantly uneasy. What do I need to do to make myself feel better? Awareness is key. Thanks for helping me start to be aware.

          • Michael April 19, 2018, 10:21 am

            Sometimes during the day I get this sad depressed overwhelming feeling and start tearing up or crying. I fight or try my best to hide it while at work. Night time by far is the worst for me. The thoughts running through my head make it tough to sleep. Just so much going on up there. When I do fall asleep it May be for a couple hours then I’m up for a couple of hours. It’s rare that I sleep through a whole night. Some nights I have bad dreams! The days i don’t work I find it hard to get out of bed. Mostly because I’m tired. I try to do things like go for a walk or maybe buy a pair of pants and food shop!! After that I’m usually back in bed. I seem to sleep better in the day time. Especially since my shades make the room dark!! I just wanna get outta this hole once and for all.
            Thanks for listening! I pray for all going through this pain. And for those who have passed.

          • Sean March 26, 2019, 10:36 pm

            I hear u

        • Blake September 3, 2015, 8:05 pm

          First remember you are one of the fittest most capable creatures to ever walk this planet. Life may be short but you have one of the greatest mechanisms of all time, the mind. It can be overbearing but it can also be empowering and free you from the constraints of the physical world. Just don’t fear whatever it is about the night that you dont like. conquer it. Sleep is nice but not necessary. If you have to go for a walk, exercise til your sick , do whatever keeps you from dwelling on your anxiety. Push yourself to do ANYTHING that you can that gets you out of your bad frame of mind, even if you have to cut your thoughts out and tell your brain to shut up. You are human and you are to strong to be afraid.

          • Joan October 30, 2015, 11:53 am

            I’ve been without a job going on two years now. You have no idea how tired I am inside. I’m 37, and had to give up my home and move back in with my folks. The love of my life didn’t want me anymore. All I can say is that I am so fundamentally tired inside. I pretend to be happy and okay. Bur pretending is killing me. I lost my faith in God, and am consumed with guilt, shame and fear of punishment. I was never like this. The hard blows of the last five years have killed a lot of good in me. I don’t want to listen to music. I don’t want to step outside. I just want to lay there on the couch and be left alone.

          • Terri July 4, 2016, 2:40 pm

            I feel exactly like Joan. Her words were like reading my mind, the same thing I would have written. Less time unemployed, but the rest is straight up my life right now. I could only add that I am very far away from home & literally have no support system. My family knows my situation, my tremendous financial struggle, & the fact that I am now on the edge of being evicted. I try & try & try, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get an interview, never mind ‘the nod’. It really doesn’t matter how broken & lost I tell my family that I am, they just don’t acknowledge me with anything that resembles understanding or empathy. You can’t make this up! I’m hurting, & need help on so many levels. At 58, broke, alone, & facing an unknown future I am battling the feelings of not wanting to be around anymore. If it weren’t for my pets that I brought here with me, not sure I’d have anything or anyone to really live for. I am so glad to find that I’m not alone in my exhausted struggle. I’m just soooo freaking tired of trying to survive on my own…

          • Prema August 4, 2016, 10:17 am

            OMG it’s like everyone is reading my life aloud. I’m a coward. I have suicidal thoughts everyday but never got the courage to do it. I have lost the happy fun loving person I used to be. Being with a man who couldn’t care if I existed has left me dead inside. I hate getting up in the mornings don’t feel like showering or even brushing. If not for my dogs I would have died long back. I didn’t realise it’s depression until now.

          • Elaine August 4, 2016, 4:36 pm

            When I was in my worst funk, at one point, I had to basically let go and give myself permission to feel bad and not want to do anything. After I did that for a period of time, I decided to do just *one* thing that week – take a dance class. I knew I would feel a lot of anxiety and an number of other things right before I’d have to leave for it, and then I’d want to back out. But I promised myself I would do that one thing, and that’s all I had to do that week. Eventually, this one thing turned into a weekly habit, and although I wasn’t exactly happy, I was… less bad It was a start, and eventually snowballed from there to get me functional again, with occasionally experiencing happiness.

          • Joy June 24, 2018, 1:31 pm

            I at times very sad. I feel this dark cloud coming over me. I try to avoid this feeling but sometimes it is overwhelming. I too tear up. At times I leave the house and go shopping trying to get these thoughts and feeling out of my head. I dread sleep. As I sleep for a few hours and get up and sit in a chair the rest of the night. This depressive states comes over me because everyone comes to me with their problems. They have no regards to my emotions and feelings. I have no support system because everyone is looking for me to solve their problems. I am beginning to avoid phone calls from my children, because for the most this dark cloud comes from them. Everyone wants me to help them. Their problems put me into a state of worry. They are grown and I want to live my life. When ever I get a call from them it is not to say mom how are you doing today, but something they want me to do for them or their spouse. I am tired, tired, tired. I have my own problems to contend with. Their problems worry me because I tend to take them on. They know that I worry but continuously relate problems to me and not only my kids but my siblings. I informed them that I was going on a trip and that I was not telling my whereabouts. Don’t want to listen to any one else problem as I am not strong as I use to be.

        • Steve October 1, 2015, 9:26 am

          I feel the exact same way. I’ve been battling this for over 2 years.
          Really bad insomnia, all of my hobbies feel flat and non-rewarding, crazy night-time anxiety, concentration is cloudy. I feel ok during the day, can still work, excersize, and trick the world into thinking I’m alright.

          I too don’t want to resort to pills. I saw a shrink, it helped a little.I found out a lot of my friends and people I thought I knew well are suffering through some form of this as well. They all had great things to say about SSRI (minus one person who had some weight gain).

          I’m going to try them to try and get my life back. What’s the worst that can happen if I’m already not well.

          • Job Less March 6, 2019, 4:16 pm

            Sounds like what I went through. Look up adrenal fatigue syndrome. I had success using essential oils. You might see if that’s a good rout for you. I hope you find relief.

          • Paul June 19, 2019, 9:49 am

            I feel exactly like Joan. I cry EVERY day. Something really terrible happened to me in the last six years that has fundamentally changed me as a person. Strange thing is, when I was on dialysis for five years I never cried every day nor did I need anti-depressants. I coped very well. But I’m not coping now, I am barely surviving. Like Joan, I have also lost all faith in God. I think the existence of depression exposes the lie that there is a benevolent God who cares for His creatures. It’s bullshit. But rather than grieve over a God who was never there, or hate myself for being so gullible for believing it, I am trying to move on.

          • Chris Halouvas August 21, 2019, 2:21 am

            Hey Steve, After trying 2 types of meds, I found the side effects made me hate the medication as exercise to me has been the ultimate control of trying to balance things out. The meds take the edge off your enthusiasm and coupled with nausea it was harder to get motivated to exercise and harder to exercise at the level required to make good gains. So this time around I just said no meds eat sleep well and ecercise like there’s no tomorrow. I have allways found the endorphins from training allways let me walk out of gym feeling pumped and definitely in a better mood. Sometime’s I ask myself, wow were you sad before and now your almost cheering from the results you felt you achieved in the gym. It has been 12 months since last doc appointment and even though I may get sad at times, I hit the gym for a fix. By the way I have a gym set up in garage and allows me to train the way I need to with no interuptions or waiting on equipment. This method has saved me many times, like now I was crying over some issue’s of self guilt and decided to write this before I go to the garage for another daily fix. I hope you can ride this out and get back to your hobbie’s as when I am the sadest I need to fix things at home as it makes me feel more worthy or makes you feel that your doing what others can’t do, which makes me feel better. Good luck Steve I hope this may help or inspire some positive actions in your life. You are not alone as many of us do suffer in silence. I do say a good social worker just to talk to can be helpful. As most times I found just having someone who cares to listen can make a difference from suffering in silence. Take care

        • Steve October 1, 2015, 9:29 am

          I also have no reason for feeling this way. Everything about my life is great on paper.
          Doctor said it’s hereditary, not my fault. May be the case with you if nothing stands out as being negative in your life.

          • Vic October 6, 2015, 12:30 pm

            I’ve done therapy, mediation, pills, exercise but nothing seems to get rid of it. My doctor also said it’s hereditary and may have to live with it. It goes away for a bit but comes back with a vengeance. I don’t enjoy my work and when I want to change it, I feel guilty because my wife and others see me as being lazy. Lately the only thing that helps is sitting down to watch tv late at night and playing video games and even that gets boring, let alone make me feel guilty for “wasting time” when I should be doing something productive. I love art but that has become a chore as well. I constantly feel like when I am creating art, I could be doing something else and I lose interest. It’s tough sometimes because I don’t want to spiral out of control and it takes a lot of energy trying to hold it together; constantly wearing a mask for others to see so that they don’t uncover what is really going on. I am constantly sick with the flu or with overwhelming headaches. I can be ok at work sometimes but then at night, I dread having to come back in the morning. It’s tough.

          • beth October 15, 2015, 8:30 am

            Just be careful with SSRIs. I resorted to them a couple years ago. I was on a low dose. I went through a honeymoon phase where I felt great. But that slowly wore off and I ultimately became depressed again, but now had the added side effects of the SSRI which took away my sex drive and made my complacent. Even on a low dose. The Dr. told me to up the dose, but informed me this could become a cycle where my body keeps adjusting to the dosage. My anxiety was the only true thing the SSRI helped. The depression and lack of motivation were only better for a very short time. I slowly weaned myself of them but I feel worse than ever. I wish I never took them.

          • Lost December 24, 2015, 8:25 pm

            I’m certain that I should see a doctor but I’m still a minor and afraid of judgement from my parents. Everything about my life should be great. I’m one of the highest achieveing students in my school, but I feel like that’s another person apart from who I actually am. I used to browse the internet late at night until I went drowsy with tiredness, and only then could I sleep, otherwise the thoughts and restless self-imprisoning mind plague me. The result was that I went to school each day on six or less hours of sleep. I would snap at my parents because they were the first people I saw every morning. Now I’m just a shell of that. It’s probably heriditary. Two of my direct relatives have committed suicide (paternal grandfather, maternal great-grandfather) and my maternal grandfather was diagnosed psychotic and spent many months of his life in a mental hospital.

          • Julie December 21, 2016, 2:32 am

            I feel the same way Steve.
            I have a perfect life… A full-time job, a man who loves me and I’m paying off my own home, yet, I feel dead inside.
            I don’t like to show effection or emotion, but as a child, I was nicknamed Julie bear cause I would cuddle so tightly…
            Nothing makes me happy anymore… It’s so easy to just hate everything, and I’m always tired…
            I wish I could curl up on my couch and just shut the world out forever…

        • M April 4, 2019, 4:16 am

          I find my anxiety councelor helps allot, an outsider who you can share everything with. Feeling more agitated, etc as I haven’t seen here for awhile again now..but looking forward to going soon again.
          I write or text myself a list of what I want to talk about before my appointment.
          Yoga also helps…alot.
          Eating healthy is a given, but not always easy ..
          Not comparing ourselves to others in a negative way
          Faking a smile .. it can turn into a real one sometimes
          Even the bracelet thing can help…(band or elastic that you can smack on your wrist)..when thinking or worrying about negative crap
          Medication if really needed, but be careful with that..do your research beforehand..
          I was on different medications in the past that made me worse..physically & mentally.
          Every body is different, so its finding what is right for you ..if you really even need it.
          And if you feel your doctor/phychiatryst/phychologist etc isn’t listening to your needs and concerns, try another one
          Hope this helps…
          And there IS a light at the end of the tunnel!

        • Amy March 28, 2021, 3:23 am

          Hi Claire
          I find walking in the forest helps. Surround yourself with nature. We have all lost touch with our pure beings. Walk barefoot as much as possible to ground yourself to Mother Earth. Climb a mountain.

      • Summer April 4, 2015, 6:28 pm

        If it helps, two years ago I was at a point where there was nothing I enjoyed. I put myself first by doing things I knew were good for me such as, focusing on my physical and mental health, spending time outdoors, and being patient and honest with myself.
        The untethered soul by Michael A Singer may be a helpful book for you.
        Also you if you haven’t already, I recommend you take the Myers Briggs assessment.
        Finding what you enjoy again will come naturally over time.

      • a helping hand July 9, 2015, 1:42 pm

        I don’t want to make any presumptions about your life, but you may have never taken the opportunity to truly discover yourself rather your “passion.” Women are often placed in this role of happy wife and mother and expected to fit that model, but the truth is that’s not a woman’s passion. I believe you need to do some soul searching. Technically, your twenties are meant for that trial and error period where you test the waters. Don’t be discouraged if you’re no longer in your twenties, but maybe take some classes at a community college. Mix it up, you don’t have to just take hobby classes.

      • pinky March 13, 2016, 8:28 am

        I’m at a total loss. Spent the whole weekend sleeping. My kids know there is something not right. But as I paint my life to be something that it isn’t I am also struggling to find something I enjoy. From being a lively ,bubbly, health freak to being overweight and a total misery. The only way out is to sleep and sometimes wish I would never wake up. I am not me I’m totally lost and no matter how much I try the stuff I used to enjoy I end up back here. Doing nothing and wondering what the hell is happening to me.

        • Sally June 6, 2016, 7:55 am

          I am so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you are trying therapy and considering medication. I also was highly successful academically and at work, teaching aerobics classes, with a spotless apartment. Then something happened. I’m now on a good cocktail of medications and in weekly therapy. I’m not there yet but life is much improved. I hope you are feeling better soon.

          • HeartOGold June 18, 2016, 5:10 am

            I have been through good times, great times as well as trauma in my life.
            I have come to see my being as a “spiritual energy” that gets stuck.
            One step back, one step back until we can lose momentum.
            Observe; remember the human physics law: “Things in motion stay in motion”.
            Depression: is the result of too many setbacks, thoughts or feelings that pull us away from our path. Some is real, some is fiction.
            It is a bit of truth. It can be deceiving as well.
            Like the warning on a mirror: Objects may appear larger than life.
            My depression is real.
            But, it is now a habit of ‘one step” plus one step’ away from where i wish to be.
            So, “How to do I reverse it”. FAITH, COMMIT, to changing thought, feeling, life experience to match or at least line-up to the dream in our mind.
            Councilors, support groups can help facilitate the process.
            For me, daily prayer to GOD, which is ultimately with me, to never give up, to keep going, to create a new plan, to find a lifestyle that fits my vision.
            Things is motion:
            I have found that simple movement can really assist in the dismissal of depression. For example, i feel like doing nothing. But, I find ONE small thing to get myself going. I must brush my teeth, get showered, dressed, and go to get a coffee. Then, I allow myself to revisit the depression. Moving for me HELPS the cycle of depression to reverse itself. Accomplishing activities, make a list and do the small stuff first. The issues in my psyche that need to be looked addressed may be talked through with a counselor.
            The mind is as receptive and delicate. It will do as you tell it. If your thoughts tell you you’re sad, the mind will agree. Observing or knowing that YOU are a spirit in a human body mind can be really powerful. Knowing that what you think may be harmful to what you are is incredibly resourceful. It is One Step that woke me up from a false sad, unmotivated self to an enlightened, ready, willing self. It takes practice. It is an exchange of energy from low to high, disbelief to faith, unwilling to trust; and a new level of responsibility encouraged by one’s internal power through prayer and continued personal commitment. I am a work in progress; seeing my life as an hour glass..getting busy like the bees in nature to be a significant part of the world as a whole just by participating in small happy healthy ways.

        • Jess July 14, 2017, 9:08 pm

          I can relate to this … lately I don’t want to do anything … I wish I could sleep all day and I too lately have been having dark thought… I can’t believe this is “my life” … wow… life really is weird

        • Lillyann Maxwell March 27, 2019, 7:23 pm

          i’m sorry…that is literally the same way i feel…

        • Christina May 20, 2019, 8:52 am

          Wow! Relate..that might be an understatement! Hello pinky, I just read ur comment and I just had to reply back cuz I couldn’t believe how much similar ur situation is to my situation! It’s like you read my every thought and feeling’s! Although it’s unfortunate and I wish better for us at the same time I feel some relief just knowing I’m not alone! But if you ever want to talk please don’t hesitate to contact me please and thank you!

      • Everywhere and nowhere January 14, 2017, 10:59 pm

        You do the things your friends do like going to lunch with them, getting your nails done, anything that isn’t negative that you think will make you feel good

      • NG May 5, 2019, 10:03 am

        That is what’s so hard…sleep is the only thing I want to do. Exercise they say but after an exhausting day of work faking like everything is cool, who wants to walk. But maybe if I fake happiness it will come. Walking allows me too much time to think. I don’t want to walk with friends cause that means I have to talk and who wants to talk about a crappy life and cry and walk? This is so difficult.

      • Wayne July 31, 2020, 4:48 am

        Yes I know what you mean about not enjoying anything, I used to love my work and training, and still do in a way, but its coming up to 5 years since my first girlfriend left me, and everything is still so dull and boring, just nothing mattes any more. i get up at 12, cos I cant face the day without her, and then its a case of just getting the the day, and wanting to go to bed again. I used to try and thrive on life, saying that I was so lonely before her, it was hell, now its another form on hell. I was so shy, Frances was a friend I had a crush on from 14, then at 53 she was my first girlfriend, for 2 years then she just left me, and will not even talk to me, and there was no row.

        Wayne

      • Nicole February 26, 2021, 10:41 am

        Just start doing anything at all and the joy will come eventually, I suggest yoga, window shopping, Netflix by yourself , start fake laughing until you really do laugh 💜

    • Sam March 7, 2015, 2:34 am

      I have always been the strongest one within everyone I know, nothing phased me and I could conqour the world. After the separation of my husband, a trip overseas which turned into a nightmare, my mother getting cancer, countless good friends leaving the city I live in, countless people screwing me over, plus many countless things to beat me down its finally got me to breaking point. The worst part is the fact my partner takes the brunt of my outbursts and he’s getting over it. I’m a bottler, I don’t trust people and I find it hard to talk to anyone at the best of times and I have no interest in making new friends, which is dumb considering I used to be the life of the party. I can’t handle my own feelings anymore and I don’t know what to do.

      • Ted May 31, 2015, 8:38 pm

        Hey Sam, I’ve found that hearing outbursts from my significant other (we’re now separated) actually didn’t help either of us much. It takes real tremendous courage to place and push that oar and pivot your boat back to friends and hobbies you truly care about, but you can do it and I wouldn’t be surprised if you are already making progress. Strength is something we can retrain within ourselves, because we had the building blocks for it to begin with.

        • Olivia November 22, 2015, 1:47 am

          Hi Ted, I am the significant other who is married to a wonderful hearted man with ADD(I) and depression. I am totally exhausted because I have to do everything around the house, be emotionally and mentally available all the time. I am just struggling to keep our lives together. I have to make a choice: should I stay and just accept this or should I leave this very unhappy place. I don’t know what to do. My husband knows that he needs help but he is not very eager to get help. I sometimes arrange appointments for him and then he simply just doesn’t show. Holidays are something I dread because even if we do go out with the children he is never mentally and emotionally available and that leaves me to fill both my role and his role in the lives of our children.
          I don’t know….it seems as if he loves his ‘conditions’ more than he loves us and at times it feels that he would rather let go of us in order to hold on to his depression and ADD

          • Chris January 18, 2017, 5:48 pm

            This is exactly where I am at in my life, marriage and relationships. My husband has sucked everything out of me. I no longer have any mental, emotional or physical energy to give. He goes out to his job and gets his batteries re-energized. Me, my well is dried up.

      • Vinny June 22, 2015, 7:48 am

        I feel exactly the same. Please let me know if you have had any progress.

        • Jack November 23, 2018, 3:19 pm

          My whole life feels like a lie. I feel like my family is deserting me wanting to leave me. Trying to keep me down but also trying to some how keep me going. I want to get better and I can’t seem to get better, I feel like there is a chain with a giant weight at the bottom keeping me down like nothing ever mattered. I tried thereapy, for stress relief but that didn’t seem to help. I try meds all the time and they also don’t work. It makes me feel like there is no light but only darkness and when there really is light I just leave it like it’s nothing. I tried to kill myself. And all this is happening to a fourteen year old kid. This is a horrible world and I can’t stand it.

      • Diya September 30, 2015, 8:48 am

        Sam, I can relate 100% with what you are saying. My reasons are different but the feeling is the same. I also don’t know what to do. I am sticking to an exercise plan and right now decided to not make any firm moves till I loose 20 lbs. This is helping but little.

      • jose l Aguilar March 3, 2017, 12:40 pm

        I feel like that. It destroyed my life I lost my wife and
        All my family.
        Nothing to go on .
        Everyday I fight just to keep going .
        I am going to try to see a doctor.

      • Jess July 14, 2017, 9:10 pm

        Every single word you said I resonate with. It’s like you’re reading my mind!!! — I just want to be alone and lately I don’t want to talk to ANYONE

      • Amy March 30, 2021, 1:23 am

        You can turn it around at any time and within a day. Things always look brighter with adequate rest and telling your thoughts to chill.

    • RCarlin February 16, 2016, 9:06 am

      I too, was one who put everyone and everything first. I had no time to take care of me, and, of course, nobody else is going to.
      We had a busy little family, two budding careers and life should have been great, but both of us adults became ill. No wonder.
      My advice is this. ..live simply, really, live a simpke life, and one of gratitude. Material things can actually get in the way of happiness, it happens all of the time, unfortunately.
      Now, about careing for yourself, nobody else if going to, and if you always put everyone else first, they don’t magically grow a stronger live and respect for you, in fact, quite the opposite. Those closest to us actually follow our lead. If we honor and respect ourselves first, so do they. Children are learning who to honor and respect first everyday. Why do you think we have so much of an issue with the “entitlement” mentality?
      Finally, after the marriage doesn’t survive (I hooe it does) and the kids are grown and gone, those same kids you poured every ounce of your energy into, remember what you taught them; that they should be loved and honored and respected above you.
      Today, I realize the mistake, and maybe too late. I can’t believe that what I thought I was teaching to honor and respect your loved ones, really taught them, especially one of them, that I should continue to run around to meet their needs.
      Exhausting, but I now live for me first, then the kids and grands.

      • Em July 23, 2016, 10:53 pm

        That made so much sense, my life seems like one endless service to others- work, kids, house, friends, family. I get cross and resentful and then instantly guilty. I have no social life, but constantly find excuses not to do something about it. It feels like a spiral

    • justin November 18, 2016, 9:54 pm

      I have felt like I’m stuck in a hole for a while now. I’ve hurt people i loved because of the fact that I just didn’t want to admit that I am vulnerable. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m sorry if I am just bugging anyone with this, I just need to say this. I fell like I’m a failure and I don’t know how to stop thinking that way. I feel trapped and I can’t get out. Again I am sorry if I am bugging anyone. But, I need to say this.

      • Jess July 14, 2017, 9:13 pm

        I feel you 100%

        I completely relate

        I’m so unhappy

    • Mel December 27, 2016, 4:09 am

      I am a mother of 4 haven’t been able to write since i had my second child. I know i need to take time for me but when i tell my husband he doesn’t seem to understand. I have a house to run and young children to look after. there are not enough hours in the day to do all the things that need to be done in the house and with the kids and when i ask for help so i can have time to recharge and get over some of the crappy things that have happened in my life i’m called a nag and told ‘Oh it’s always about how you feel’ like i’m being selfish for having needs (it’s very de-moralising). i don’t get understanding or help. and i cant help myself if i don’t have time. how do i heel when no one will help me have the time to heel. I don’t even know what happy or not angry is any more.

      • Dianeb October 18, 2017, 5:34 pm

        I am 63 and have suffered/dealt with depression all my life. I do hope all realize it’s a chemical issue. It’s not you, it’s not about what you do or don’t do, it’s not about how good you are, how in tune you are, how well you love, how well you work, what you accomplish, how many people love you or how you love them back. It is a chemical imbalance. You can be having the best fricken time, be in the middle of a situation you totally love and feel comfortable and that you are achieving something and then BAM! Like getting shot in the head. All of the sudden the cloud descends on you, the world is dark and you are very much alone. The only respite that I have learned is to embrace the darkness. Revel in the solitude of depression. Truly enjoy your cocoon and your distance that you have. I’ve learned to give myself a deadline. I say, bitch. You can be depressed until Thursday. Enjoy the cocoon, the ugly, the not having to respond or go anywhere; even if you do you are not there. Then you snap out of it. I think half the problem is that we are told it’s not ‘right’ to be depressed. Damn if it’s not. It’s very right. It’s what we feel. But depression doesn’t own us. We own it. We can give it the time that it needs, give it the space to absorb our life, but, ultimately we take ourselves back and we live our life with kindness, grace, understanding and love. Acknowledge depression and the black horse he rode in on but don’t let him sit down with you and have tea.

        • Donna December 29, 2017, 12:07 pm

          Wow, everything and I mean everything about your comment is me!! The part I hate the most is hurting people around me and then there is my partner who doesn’t even acknowledge that I am crying and upset. It drives me down deeper but somehow I pull myself out….somehow.

        • Nicole March 11, 2018, 2:17 pm

          Thank you so much for your comment. It really helped me to see things as they are.

    • Margaret January 1, 2017, 2:39 am

      I defiantly am like this. For my family, I put myself on the line for them noatter what and am always trying to be good to them, even though they just want me to be happy. I’m constantly doting on my younger brother and trying to be my best at my academics for my parents, even if it drives me to insanity. Sometimes I get better, but these feeling just keep coming back. Why won’t they leave me alone? All my past does is just haunts me. I can’t even sleep unless I have completely exhausted myself with work.

    • No body February 10, 2017, 6:49 am

      I’m living, but I’m not alive. I go through each day, just wanting to do nothing because I feel nothing matters. If I change, so what? I’ll join the countless millions working their life away. I’ll never have something meaningful, I’ll never be worth anything. Hell, this comment will probably be overlooked and never seen but damnit I want to get this off my chest. I feel like worthless scum because I have no motivation to do anything because in the end nothing matters. I’ve got no passions, nothing I get excited about. Hell the only thing I can truly recall giving me something to be happy about was family and friends, and even that was more of passing the time. I can’t make deep connections with anyone. I can’t sleep properly, I have lost all real interest in anything. I’m not good at anything. The worst part is I’m coming to accept this. I hate myself, and I hate my life. I don’t want to live, but I’m too afraid to die. God. I just can’t anymore. I can’t even get myself motivated to get up and go to class. I’m letting everyone in my family down and I’m doing nothing about it because I just don’t care enough. I’m nothing but scum.

      • A friend February 13, 2017, 12:03 am

        Hey No Body. I see you. What you wrote – I can totally relate. I cry all the time and nothing has meaing. I used to think that if only I could see the sun set, then that day would be worth living. Now… Well… Things seem so empty. Sometimes I feel better. When I find that I am in the moment. Those are the ok times. Being in water can help. Go swimming in the ocean or in a lake, if you live near one. Look at the horizon and feel the water around your body.
        Try to think back on a moment you felt ok. Play it over in your mind. A moment like that will happen again. For me too. They just seem so far between. Thinking of you. Chin up. ( that was meant for both you and to me).

      • IceCat May 12, 2017, 4:49 pm

        No Body,
        I see you as well. I might not be in exactly the same “life boat” as you, but I am definitely in the same ocean. I say ocean because I have a feeling that there are a lot of us rowing around aimlessly, not knowing where to go, who to talk with about what we are feeling, looking for that one thing that is going to show us the way back to shore. You say you aren’t good at anything, well I know that to not be true just by reading your comment. You are good at describing your feelings, that isn’t something a lot of people can do. I never respond to comments. I cam here because I am feeling overwhelmed, I just randomly clicked a link on some webpage, I am responding to a comment made by someone I won’t ever meet. Why? Because your words affected me. They made me feel, made me realize I am not all alone in this struggle. Someone else gets it! It may sound strange but, that thought, of not being alone, me feel so happy. Not because I want others to feel depressed and alone, but because it means I am not the only one. I know it’s small, and easy to write off, but really give it a thought for a second. That happy feeling…it’s a glimmer of hope. A beacon on the shore that is calling out to be found. I am right there with you my friend! I have faith that we can all get to that shore. I’d like to think that there is a welcoming party waiting to say “Welcome back. You are stronger than you think.” Peace and love to you, and all who are in the water with us.

      • Distant May 14, 2017, 8:15 am

        I am not good with words like most of the other people that have left comments. I am hoping that by admitting that I am in a very similar boat with a major leak and no life jackets on board…I am not alone. Thank you all for sharing your comments. I’m not brave enough to explain my situation, but to the others who have, I thank you!

      • Somebody May 14, 2018, 3:28 pm

        I want to be your friend.

      • Sue June 19, 2018, 3:13 pm

        No body,
        Of all the comments I’ve read on this post, yours really hit home with me. I have felt those exact same feelings: the lack of motivation and not being good at anything. I’ve struggled with that all my life. People always talk about following your dreams and passions, but I’ve never had any. I’m not interested in anything and do not have any hobbies, talents, dreams, ambitions, etc. outside of simply being in decent financial and health status. Otherwise, I’ve always felt like I just ‘exist’ and don’t ‘live’. Then I feel guilty because I know others have problems that are real and they deal with them and still do more than I do. I have been depressed off and on my whole life. There was always someone in my life who, I told myself, would be way too devastated if I ever harmed myself. When I was younger, it was my father; later it was my kids. My father has passed away and my kids are grown with lives of their own. We are not close. I now have a wonderful man in my life who is trying to help me through these ‘funks’ I get into where I can’t do much but sleep and hang out at home. He has his own troubles, but still loves me so much that I know if I did anything to harm myself, he would be so devastated…I just couldn’t do that to him. So I continue to struggle. I’ve been on medication and have seen a psychiatrist. They haven’t really helped because they haven’t changed how I feel about myself. I don’t think anything can. I know it’s been quite some time since you wrote; I hope you are ok and have found that one thing that is worth staying around for, or that one thing that distracts you enough to keep going. That’s what I look for anyway. Thanks for your comment and being brave enough to write out what you feel. This is the first time I’ve felt compelled to write out how I feel, knowing that others might read it. So thank you and know that, as others have said, there are a lot of us out there who feel like you do, and we care even in our own sadness.

      • Who Cares November 23, 2019, 6:05 am

        No Body, you’re not alone.

  • Jackie Walker March 15, 2012, 12:52 am

    Until I stopped being one I didn’t even know I was depressed. Looking back I’ve no idea how I kept going, and when I didn’t learn the lessons which were so obvious (now) I ended up divorced, redundant, moving house and separated from my kids for half the week – that woke me up!

  • Annie M. March 15, 2012, 2:52 am

    Holy crap! That’s me!!

    • Arif May 20, 2015, 6:31 am

      Exactly how i felt 🙂

      • Nina July 28, 2016, 1:44 pm

        Me too.
        I’m reading and it’s exactly me except I’m forcing myself to do work no doubt fueled by my OCD to get everything done.

    • Arshiya December 8, 2016, 1:34 am

      Same here!! I feel like a different person in front of others and different when i am alone. In front others I am jolly, happy-go- lucky, smart and confident girl. But i am not like that. I act happy but im not happy. But there is no reason for me to be sad. No fucking reason. I have the best family, best friends, best grades. I am the class topper. Everyone says i am smart and beautiful. Almost all the boys in my class and bus like me. But i hate myself. I feel like no one deserves to be related with me. And i am ONLY 12!!!!

  • Brenda March 15, 2012, 3:02 am

    I recognize this very well, and am just hovering above it. I took a year off work to write, it was the best year of my life, and VERY regretfully had to return to a “real” job in order to make ends meet. Sigh. It feels like survive instead of thrive… can’t wait until this cycle can be broken!

    • Hilda August 5, 2013, 12:34 pm

      Same with me, took a year off to write and then returned to a daily job. It was the only year I felt really alive, the rest I’m just a walking shadow. And publishing, or writing for a living is not my idea of writing. Life is 2% possible.

    • Brianne March 23, 2015, 1:06 pm

      I am in the same boat as you. I feel like it is so hard to be happy in this world because we are all expected to have jobs and work and work and work because it is the “American” and modern thing to do. It’s a vicious cycle. I hope one day the world will be an easier place to live in filled with love and simplicity, and less of materialistic bullshit.

      • Teto April 8, 2015, 2:58 pm

        Thank you so much for this. I’m currently a teenager going through high school and I guess I just feel as if everything is so pointless. Get good grades. Go to a good college. Get a good job. Get paid good money. Buy a good house. Good this, good that. This type of life just seems so fucking boring. It’s making me angry just thinking about this.

        • tata May 5, 2015, 11:19 am

          exactly!!!!

        • romani June 12, 2015, 8:25 pm

          I feel you so much.

        • Roselyn July 8, 2015, 8:15 pm

          Yeah, right. I’m in the junior high school right now and it’s pretty depressing how I rarely go for vacations. Others go aboard while I stay at home it breaks my heart. Others don’t need to do stupid stuff I have to, it fucking kills me.

        • David August 26, 2015, 11:11 am

          Maybe it’s more than just a good job. Not just about the money but something you are passionate about.

        • Arysta September 8, 2015, 1:31 pm

          I’m almost 40. I used to feel the same way you do. Oh wait, I still do. Sigh.

        • jake September 21, 2015, 2:14 pm

          Dont go to a college if you have to pay for it. Get a job an work your way up from the bottome, do online study. The job will give you the community and chose a job you think you would like to go into that industry,.

          College today is a total scam because you can buy any text book you want, learn anything you want online for free.

          Just make sure you get a job where the industry you find interesting and you enjoy learning.

          Trust me you dont want to be a lawyer or doctor, and engineers today dont need degrees, you just get one with a degree to sign off your work after you have made a name for your work.

          Do not fall for the scam of paid college.

          • Greg May 13, 2017, 3:36 pm

            I have to respectfully disagree about college as a scam. College may not be for everyone, but a degree can certainly help you in most careers today. Why be 10k-20k underpaid without a degree when doing the same work as someone with a degree? In my current line of work, I can only move up by having higher education regardless of the number of years I put in. Unless you naturally have a talent or skill set that you can earn money with, consider going to college (or at least the military – I spent 6 years in the Air Force during a point where I felt my life was directionless. If anything, it showed me that the military life wasn’t for me, but that time did help me pay for my next life transition: yup, college).

            As for the article, I have a “successful” life by outward appearances, but I have been feeling depressed the last year or so because I haven’t been able to focus on my creative endeavors (aka game development). I have tried recently to reclaim that feeling of moving forward, but it just doesn’t feel the same. I end up watching tv, eating, or sleeping to avoid the “chore” of actually doing something I really once enjoyed. Any suggestions on reclaiming that passion and pushing off the funk I feel my life’s slipped into?

            Thanks for reading

        • Eva November 9, 2015, 4:14 pm

          I feel the exact same why why are society’s expectations so crushing?? I go to a lab school and feel like I have to be perfect at everything and I just can’t anymore I don’t even want to be! I’m not excited about school or college. I used to get excited about even smth like getting an outfit ready when I knew it was cute and now I DON’T CARE BC I CAN’T

        • Violet January 4, 2016, 8:29 am

          My daughter is a sophomore in high school. She felt the same way as you, Teto. For years. She, in fact, opened my eyes to the absurdity of these institutions. (Which has been dangerous, because I have younger kids and I’m now struggling to take their homework seriously!) It’s all man-made constructions. Sitting in a classroom all day, at desks? At a young, healthy, vital age? Seriously??? It’s crap.

          We are an artsy family and neither my husband nor myself work a 9 to 5 job. So we signed off for our teen daughter to be homeschooled. She may get her GED this summer. She’s over it. Funnily enough, her older brother is a senior and is VERY academically motivated, and has zero issues with “getting the grades to get the job to get the house” etc. He thinks his sister is nuts. I see both sides. It’s all about our personal interests, and what stimulates you and gets your dopamine firing. My son is social, and competitive, and into computers and tech. He’s happy following that path. My daughter would go comatose having to play those worldly games.

          The key is, find your actual passions, find your confidence, and minimize distractions, escapist tendencies, and other forms of BS. Talk honestly with whatever adults you can trust, about your feelings about all of this. So many things we are supposed to fall in line with ARE pointless, and are not about us at all, but about the power structures that rely on you to be a good littler worker.

          There are many of us that have done well being creative and not following that 9 to 5 path. By “well” I don’t just mean financially. You don’t need much in life.

          Connect with nature. Nature is the one thing that doesn’t ever feel meaningless or stupid to me, personally. A lot of people feel that way. It transcends us. It’s cooler than us humans. It is a pure expression of life. You can’t go wrong getting involved with nature.

          • Vanessa November 18, 2016, 12:14 am

            Hi I know this comment was posted a long time ago, but you mentioned that you were an artsy family. What kind of artsy jobs do you work in?

      • Sam July 13, 2015, 5:14 pm

        I can so much relate to you. I’m 32 and still living a pointless life such monotonous sometimes i feel like i just leave everything and run somewhere away from this hell.

        • 4littlepiggies October 1, 2015, 8:29 pm

          I feel the same way! I have 4 boys and I’m married. I miss feeling anything but anger. I don’t really think I can name one person I feel deeply for and that scares the hell out of me. What is wrong with me.

  • Kim March 15, 2012, 3:55 am

    I saw myself in your post!

    I am in therapy right now for depression, however, I never thought of it as walking depression.

    Amazing information! Thank you!

    • bella September 3, 2015, 6:35 pm

      I will.pray for you.for I’m.dealing with almost the same thing I’m.26/ 27next.month with.two.children…I’ve been.separated.from my x husband FOR 3, YEARS and he WON’T send the divorce papers ..he hasn’t seen.my.children..for the same amount of time they are 2_4.nor does he pay.his child support . ,I’ve tried to.date a couple times but my depression n.anxiety.levels rise.and.I.feel like it’s pointless to.continue the relationship..AFTER all.the horrific things my x.has done to.me I.can’t.find it anywhere to.trust any.MAN…so.I.got it “trust no.man.on.earth.”, tattooed on.my.arm big for everyone to.SEE.. I.walk.around like.I’m.doing ok.I’m.beautiful.AND everyone thinks I’m.doing great when really.I’m.NOT.. I’m alone.I feel.abandoned I.feel.hurt n.very.angry at my x husband..I.blaim.him for.my current depression.and.I.wish.I.could kill.him. I ddon’t wana.kill myself , I.have my.children to.live FOR but I.wish that.KARMA WOULD.kill.him.for.making Me suffer.like this.and my.children.not having.a father . I.work.I.take care of my.kids BUT I’m.very.very depressed..sometimes I yell at my.son.cause he looks just like him.and I.don’t want to treat my son.like.that ..I.get.so.mad.n.so.irritated by.the smallest.things.now. I.know I.need help ..I’m.starting to feel sick.to my.stomach.and can’t.even get talk to.anyone.who.understand

      • Kristin January 3, 2016, 4:52 pm

        Bella,
        I totally understand what you are going through. I went through the same thing at 29. My husband at the time cheated on me. Didn’t pay child support or visit our 3 kids. I also had his Neice and nephew living with us. I was so depressed and resentful that he left me. I still am I have never been the same. I rarely experience joy in my life. But my worst mistake was taking it out on my oldest boy. I didn’t know how to communicate with him. And I was so strict and so hard on him. PLEASE if you only do one thing to change, love your son him, include him, talk to him, do not take it out on him. It will ruin his life. Your depression with transfer to him. He will resent you. I was a good mother but I did take a lot out on my son, and I am paying for it big time. He is 31 and I 51. He is depressed, lost, he takes it out on me now. When I would do anything to have a relationship with him. We walk on eggshells around each other, it is so sad and SO NOT WORTH IT. Figure out how to deal with him. He is hurting as much as you are. I am still depressed. When someone causes that much harm to you. It must change your brain if your predisposed to it. I don’t know. I thank God for the relationships I have with my girls or I don’t think I would be here today. But they both recently had to move far away from me. One for work the other for the armed forces. I am remarried but, he has cheated on me but I am totally dependent on him. I have had a long illness that has caused problems in our marriage and, I don’t think I ever got the right help after that devastating divorce. I know he loves me and he gives me all I need but I can’t forgive him. He has given all to my kids. I am going to try and get the help I need now, to see if I can turn my life around because I don’t want to do anything. I am perfectly content lying on the couch not going out for days. Which is very sad. I used to be up early and a very happy person. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. All I meant to say was try to change your behavior towards your son before that becomes another battle you have to fight and feel guilty about.

      • Maggie DeTraglia June 24, 2016, 1:01 pm

        Feel just like you do. My son is the spitting image of his dad. I know this has put some distance between us…I just am not good at pretending. I do love him, so much…but I feel he senses the resistance.

      • Sad November 13, 2016, 7:13 am

        I feel similar to Bella.I know I need to complete a book I have been trying to write for years, but depression holds me back.I went through a break up because my ex was absolutely awful and she was a serial cheater.I tried so many things to help this woman, but she just lived by lies.Interestingly enough, she blame shifts everything on me.Some how I am horrible because I caught her in the lies.As if I really wanted to be in the position to catch her cheating.Never an apology or anything just says she can never forgive me.I am definitely depressed and have tried dating again, but it is awful.I just don’t trust these people I go on dates with or they just seem not worth it.In addition, my heart seems to be completely numb.I do not have the emotional strength to deal with their demands and crazy mind bending, distorted attempts to begin a relationship.I just can not trust any women anymore.I would guess a bad break up intensifies depression by 50%.I just hope this passes soon.

      • Nick January 20, 2017, 7:56 am

        This feeling of resentment you have towards him won’t last forever. I can relate but I wish no death upon no one. There will be better days ahead I promise. Plus to be honest these days it’s extremely common for relationships to develop when another mans children are involved. I look at women like that like a blessing I know that sounds weird. I mean I love kids and I have a heart but hey find ways to cope there is a light at the end of that tunnel, as they say. Good luck

  • Brigitte March 15, 2012, 5:19 am

    This was me 6 years ago. Wonderful post, Alison.

  • Lois March 15, 2012, 7:45 am

    Wow, are you a fly on the wall at my house? Great insight! After having 7 kids, I found myself at various times throughout being one of the “Walking Depressed” The youngest is now 3 and I’m fighting my way out. Glad to hear someone put so eloquently into words what I’m feeling.

    • Dominic January 7, 2015, 3:55 pm

      Hi Lois,

      I sympathise with your situation – I come from a big family (5 child family) and my mother has suffered with depression for as long as i can remember. I have also had severe depression several times in my life (genetic?).

      Please can I ask you a personal question? – could you share your thoughts on why you had children and whether they help fight depression, or make you feel more unhappy?

      I am now 34 years old and have held off having any children because I am scared they will be traumatised by my depression, as I was with my mother’s depression.

      Thanks

      • jeanette February 28, 2015, 5:35 am

        please do not stop having children make the most of your life, you are only young and i wish you all the best that this life can offer you

      • Kelly April 11, 2015, 8:00 am

        I had a boy very young and he is the only thing in this world that keeps me going . I’ve thought about ending my life on more than once 🙁 but each time that happens I think my boy only has me … Sure it’s hard been a mom but worth every second . I keep going for my boy . Am not saying dont have kids or have kids ! I came from a huge family of 9 🙂 all my good memory’s come from my siblings my mom suffered with depression she saw she had no life for having 9 kids so close together . Mum and dad would fight like crazy but we was well taken care of . I was so close to my dad I was angry that he left us mum could not cope . I blamed her for dad leaving I hated her with a passion . Dad had a bad motorbike crash witch left him brain dead and paralysed My world ended I was not you typical teeny was worse . I caught with child when I was 19 I sat in the clinic to get rid … I could not do it . Now I have a wonderful boy sure sometimes I still feel depresses my gran said to me I should not have a child for unconditional love , I then got caught with another child when my lad was 2 . He died at 32 weeks he was very poorly . I pushed every one away held my boy I had left even closer . Hun you have children when your ready xx . Don’t give up I can’t promis a happy ending am still learning every day and still suffering with depression very badly my boy 12 now I talk to him all the time and am clear to only him about my feelings and whats on my mind . People may read this and think its unfair to put this on my boy . He still has had an AWSOME childhood I Sugar coat what I say as much as I can but I tell the truth . When my boy comes home from school and he says he’s had a bad day , he’s able to tell me whats wrong I’ve taught him how to communicate and that it’s ok to say help … Am so proud . I know I would not be here of it was not for him . Stay as strong as you can Hun ask for help when you need it . Xxx

      • Rach April 17, 2015, 8:12 pm

        In regards to what Dominic was saying, I too wonder if I should have children while struggling with depression. Depression and anxiety run in both sides of my family. I would love to become a mother someday, but if depression is indeed genetic (and it seems like it is), how can I knowingly inflict such a devastating condition on my own child?
        My own struggles have utterly wrecked my quality of life as a person, and in a very real way I feel that it would be immoral and irresponsible for me to bring a child into the world because I will either a) pass it along to them and set them up for their own miserable torture, b) make them witness to my mental illness and possibly scar them for life, or c) both.
        I know some people still debate whether depression is passed down genetically or not, but I feel I have enough evidence to warrant the assumption that it is. I would hate to do this to someone else, especially my own flesh and blood.
        Thoughts or opinions, please? Any and all sides are welcome. I need advice.

        • sc April 28, 2015, 6:05 pm

          Vulnerability to depression has a very large genetic component. You can find many scientific articles on the subject on PubMed. Note that it’s *vulnerability*, not inevitability. One of the best supported models holds that this genetic risk interacts most strongly with stress, especially childhood stress.

          When I was 14 (in 1994), I experienced major depression and was suicidal off and on for years. I was furious with my parents for not asking precisely your question–it turns out depression runs in my family. Of course, my parents did not have the same information in 1980 as people do now. Motivated by my own suffering, I vowed never to have my own “biological” children. I’m now a professor at a university (studying biology, although not this stuff) with a wonderful fiance and am thinking again about having kids. I am no longer as concerned about the genetic predisposition, but for a bunch of moral reasons, I’m uncomfortable favoring my own genes/kid when there are unloved kids who need adopting. People really misunderstand (and overrate) their own genes anyway. But I am also concerned because I feel like I’ve had low-grade dysthymia for years, and major depression the past few weeks, and I do not feel like I can model happy self-care as a parent. I will hold off until I do. Millions of people do not think along these lines, and many people view having children as some sort of natural moral right, but I think it’s right to be cautious. I have heaps of love to pour on my niece, nephew, and lots of kids I’ll never meet whose lives are affected by my research.

          • Violet January 4, 2016, 8:56 am

            “I do not feel like I can model happy self-care as a parent”

            This is so amazing to be aware of. Really wise! However, I think, it reflects also the pressure we feel as parents to “model happy”. Period. For me, I “modeled happy” at times when it would have been totally appropriate and a learning experience for my kids to “model appropriate sadness” or “model healthy anger.” It has been such a relief for my teens that I’ve finally “come clean” and explained things/ people/events in our family that were/are dysfunctional but that got swept under the rug when they were younger for the sake of “modeling happy.”

      • chelsea April 29, 2015, 1:24 pm

        depression is winning the best of me at only 22. i’m constantly miserable and i can’t talk to anyone normally. I’ve had depression since 12 growing up it was hard losing the ones i loved the most my mother wasn’t really in my life and my dads an alcoholic. ive tried getting a job and went through with training and found them too difficult to do. i feel like staying in bed for a lifetime and talking to nobody i’m involved with 2 programs to help me with jobs and other things and i see a psychologist nothing seems to help me. on top of all this i had to recently get full body xrays because ive been having issues with my back and health problems pile up on top of eachother,

        • Sam July 13, 2015, 5:20 pm

          Sorry to hear this Chelsea. I’m 32 and have struggled with depression for almost my whole life. It is just get worse day by day and sometimes when you are in a good mood you think that you finally got over this diseases but then you would again go back to this rotting hell. I have tried so much over the years but nothing really works permanently.

        • Mike October 9, 2015, 1:08 am

          I think you should go on anti depressants it won’t solve all your problems but may boost your mood.I myself have depression and lost all my friends because of it.Now all my family hate me because they don’t understand my depression and it is dragging everyone down around me.Chelsea I hope depression doesn’t get the better of you your only 22 you could achieve so much with the right help.I’m older than you but do understand about the depression don’t let it beat you.Life is short don’t make the same mistake I did.I didn’t get the right help and feel like I’ve wasted my life as the depression drags me down.I feel life is passing me by and look back in regret.I wouldn’t want you to feel that way get on some medication try and get some help elsewhere that works for you.If you want to message me that’s fine.I myself have no one so would be happy to help.

      • Marko July 1, 2015, 11:10 am

        Hi Dominic,

        I come from a very similar situation as you. Oldest of 4 children with a depressing mom. I too am considering never having kids due to me going in and out of depression. I try to be happy and remember all the good that I have but the sad feeling always seems to come back. I am also 33 years and don’t know how to fix it. I feel distant and lonely most of the time. I can’t relate to my siblings and feel as though they view me as an outcast. They are constantly hanging out with each other and I’m left out. They never consider to call me. When I try to hang out with them they are busy and don’t have time.

      • Violet January 4, 2016, 8:47 am

        I am a mother of five. My kids are 7 through 17, and I’m 42.

        My mom was potentially borderline…sometimes depressed, sometimes anxious, sometimes REALLY happy. Always getting married and divorced. I was her only child and I was taken along for her ride. I’m still a two-dimensional caricature for her. So I’m very prone to sadness and depression. I have a hole in my heart from not getting the nurturing, protection and stability I needed to develop proper self-confidence and safety.

        Now, because I know what it felt like to NOT get those things, I’ve had a knack for empathizing with my kids, and a strong desire to provide love and nurturing. AT times it’s given me anxiety and worry when it was unjustified. (You can’t protect them from every hurt and boo boo!) It’s been incredibly healing for me, and I love being a mom, and can’t imagine the mess my life would be had I not become a mother.

        It’s not a cure for what ails you, though. As another poster wrote, you do NOT want to have a child just so you can get unconditional love. That will blow up in your face when they hit puberty. However, if you are HONEST, LOYAL, and REAL with them, you can grow through and WITH your children. I’m so vulnerable with my teens right now. I’m experiencing a lot of grief work and am being honest with them, where as I used to white wash everything and put up a Mary Poppins “everything is magical” front. Which worked when they were little, but eventually they became wise to my act. Being super real with your kids is a transformative, humbling, teaching experience for you and for them.

        So. I think if you are drawn to being a parent, be a parent. But definitely figure out some stuff FIRST. Get real. Do some inner work. EMDR is a wonderful therapy that can help heal you from your childhood trauma. Nature heals. Meditation is awesome.

        Having said that, you do NOT have to have it all figured out. You never will. And we will all make mistakes. Be willing to admit them to yourself and to your kids, and your kids will in turn, be honest with you, and trust and respect you.

      • Lori September 29, 2016, 9:54 am

        I’m kinda having the opposite situation as some. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 23 years. My oldest daughter is happily married and in her 2nd year of teaching. My youngest daughter is a senior in college and thriving. My son is a junior in high school and is a wonderful joy. My life and my joy was raising my children. I am beginning to feel useless now that they are all grown. But the truth is that they all still need me just in different ways. I just don’t understand why my mind tells me to feel useless. They love me, call me, appreciate me so why do I feel this way? I guess it’s the beginning of empty nest syndrome? I’ve been on anxiety meds for at least 10-15 years and my doctor took me off cold turkey 2 months ago. It was a living hell. I was just starting to feel better and then these weepy feelings of missing my days of having young children have crept in. If anyone else has dealt with this please give me some advice.

      • Rachelle January 27, 2017, 1:44 pm

        I have dealt with this my entire life! I somehow was able to cope very well and had success in business and then, one day… it all ended! I feel NO joy, NO excitement in going anywhere, spending time w anyone! I don’t even want to answer the door or the phone when it rings. I feel so lost and can’t seem to pull myself out. Right now, I have this amazing man in my life that is even helping me out and I even avoid him just because I am so depressed I don’t want to get dressed and see him. People always tell you to walk and exercise to help but when you’re this depressed, how do you get outta bed ? Help

      • Sam May 8, 2017, 7:52 pm

        Don’t have kids as an out for depression. It’s financially straining. You can’t travel. You can’t be you anymore. You’re trapped. And no, someone defenseess relying on you while you’re unstable and hating yourself makes nothing easier. Please believe me. “My perfect little baby” turns to “I wanna kill myself but I don’t want to ruin your life.”

  • Catherine Caine March 15, 2012, 8:13 am

    I wish I had known this four months ago. I was totally adept at spotting the grey-melt type of depression, but I didn’t know walking depression was possible. If I’d known, it might not have taken me so dang long to realise that was what I was experiencing!

    Thank you so much for giving me a framework to describe my experience, Ali.

    Catherine

  • Janet March 15, 2012, 9:02 am

    I’ve recognized these things myself far before reading this blog. I suffer from depression and yes, I am a walking depressive. (Is that the right word? I don’t depress others, but yeah.) I am a mother with 2 children, an ex husband, fibromyalgia, and a home based crafting business that I’d really like to take out of my house. My husband and I get up around 9 or 10 ish (when the kids are home, earlier when they go to school) and stay up, usually working, until 3 AM. I’m afraid I’m headed straight toward burn out with that one.

    I’ve got a deep seated terror of therapy. And I have very little assistance in the medical community. So I muddle through, just like so many others. It’s actually amazing how many artists go their entire lifetime not realizing that they are indeed depressed, and not realizing that they can change their situations. Then there are those folks like me. I know it can be changed, but I’m not sure I want to. Weird, I know. I’m happy, don’t get me wrong. I love my family. I love what I do. There are just these weird times where I want to curl up in a ball, have someone take on the responsibilities and take care of me and everything else. Then I pick myself back up and go at it again.

    So in answer to your question, yes. It rings true. And I keep walking every single day.

    • Donna July 11, 2013, 7:21 pm

      This is totally me. I have fought depression literally my entire life. I am currently dating a wonderful man but can’t share that I am depressed because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t have health insurance and can’t go to the doctor. My dog and I walk every day and I am very busy with work. But I definately need to change jobs. I clean houses and do some home care but I hate it.

      • peaches February 10, 2015, 1:55 pm

        I found this just by chance . I never knew there was such a thing . ive been unhappy and all the above I just feel exhausted all the time im in nhs community . my life dosent have any meaning my kids all growm up and I have grandkids I love with all my heart .. I clean cook and my sons give me grief with their problems and I cant tolerate my family and don’t go to gatherings and weddings I just plod along day to day in this rut .of life and I cant cope but im still going and I cant even cry whats wrong with me

        • jeanette February 26, 2015, 3:52 am

          its so difficult i have had it for 30 years, after getting post natal depression i just seem to carry on, i now care for my mum with dementia my family live away so i hardly ever see them, i just dont know how we carry on but we do nothing in life gives me pleasure, its just a nightmare

    • angela January 29, 2015, 8:42 pm

      Hello Janet. I just saw that you have fibromyalgia. Have you had your vitamin D levels checked recently. A vitamin D deficiency can cause severe muscle aches and joint pain. Check with your doctor and I hope you find relief.

      • Violet January 4, 2016, 8:59 am

        I was very achy recently to the point where I was Goggling “fibromyalgia” and it turned out I needed to re-commit to my Vitamin D supplements. A week after starting to supplement, I’m almost pain-free.

  • Alison March 15, 2012, 10:25 am

    Oh friends. I hear you. I see you. We are here together.

    Today I am writing down all of your names. I will take you to the beach with me for some quiet time. My hope is that each of us find the support and healing we need, wherever that might be.

    Sending you lots of love.

  • Dan March 16, 2012, 7:16 am

    Wow.

    A friend sent this to me. About 90% of it rings true, yet I feel I still couldn’t admit that, yes, this is where I live most of my days, thus illustrating this point:

    “Because it feels presumptuous to put yourself in that category when you’re still getting by. You feel like it would be insulting to those who are much worse off than you.”

    Thanks for the insight, Alison.

    • madpuk April 3, 2015, 6:17 pm

      i swear, every line ran long n loud bells. right now it feels like ill never come out of this. i dread talking to myself n living a life being me. i hate me, n dat depresses me, n i get depressed which makes me scared of me even more. i know i cnt kill myself because my parents gave up on every penny to raise me n it makes me feel guilty to even think of ending myself. but the thought that i have to deal with the immature, work averse, selfish me all my life is scary. but ill hang on till it gets better i guess

      • discomom July 23, 2015, 7:25 am

        How are you today? I’m sad for you because I know that feeling. Like you’re living your life as someone else. I hope you’re doing better!

  • Noch Noch | be me. be natural. March 16, 2012, 11:51 am

    I love this. I’ve not thought of myself as a walking depressed. i was diagnosed with major depression two years ago. I’m a bit better now. and perhaps have moved from that to “walking depressed”
    thanks for this article and all the links.
    there are so many aspects of depression. when I first started blogging about depression I thought i was strange. now that I’m out seeking, i find a lot of people in the same plight and want to share, and talk about it, and need support
    thanks. am sharing this article
    Noch noch

  • Ellen Berg March 18, 2012, 3:20 am

    Ah, yes. Every. Single. Day. Thanks for the explanation.

    I’m more than familiar with the black-cloud variety of depression; been there, done that, am well versed in never going back there again. But this kind? This kind is more like realizing you ordered a blah-meal while everyone around you is happily smacking their lips and Oh-My-Godding about what they’ve ordered. What’s wrong with ME? Why can’t I be happy for all I’ve got? Stop being such a negative Nelly!

    Stuck. It’s like walking through peanut butter, and while there are temporary respites, most days it’s a struggle just to get from point A to point B.

    So thank you for affirming I’m not alone and I’m not completely crazy. It helps. 🙂

    • Jane Marnae April 15, 2015, 7:14 pm

      You described that perfectly. You just feel stuck. FYI eating your way out the peanut butter… it doesn’t work.

  • Kate George March 19, 2012, 9:05 pm

    Add me to the list too. There is so much I need to change in my life, and unfortunately my family likes the status quo. They might even be acting against me.

  • Ann March 19, 2012, 10:55 pm

    Yep, thanks for seeing me Ali

  • Sonal March 19, 2012, 11:31 pm

    Having spent many years in the black cloud, and a just a few in the bright sunshine, I could recognize that I was walking around in a grey fog. What I haven’t been able to recognize is exactly why. No, that’s not true. I know why, but I have not yet been able to find it in me to do something about it.

    But thank you for this.

  • Eve Kotyk March 24, 2012, 10:38 am

    Ah, you guys are all amazing. I know the feeling, boy do I, and it’s great that Allison has put this out there for us to talk about. Wise Alison and hey, thanks for not dissing meds. Sometimes they are needed.

  • Jennifer April 5, 2012, 9:50 pm

    You’ve described my life exactly. I’m going to scour your website…as soon as I can.
    Thanks.

  • Kate April 17, 2012, 9:36 pm

    I can’t thank you enough for this post. I’ve been feeling like this so long and can’t seem to break out of it. I just found your blog and am very happy to recognize myself in someone’s words.

    • Nate November 2, 2016, 2:24 pm

      Do you feel better know. I mean its been 4 years already. I really do hope you’re feeling better than how you used to on this website.

      I LOVE HOMESTUCK.

  • Torre – Fearful Adventurer May 14, 2012, 3:41 am

    I just fell in love with you, Alison. 🙂

  • Signs Of Depression June 13, 2012, 10:09 pm

    Superb post! my husband has this walking depression and now save after meditation and yoga! Lisa

  • Trudell October 13, 2012, 8:51 pm

    This is me… everyday. and right know
    which is why and how i came across this catalog

    • Teto April 8, 2015, 3:01 pm

      That’s exactly how I am right now.

  • John Doe November 6, 2012, 4:03 pm

    Thanks for this. I have in the back of my head said, “Am I depressed?” for quite a long time, but wouldn’t admit it to myself. I think all the signs are clear. Withdrawling from social contact. Feeling constantly stressed and with no energy, but with no understanding why. Especially when I’m just 27. It has effected my relationship to the point that I’m not sure if it will work anymore. I think it really spiraled out of control in the past month after my close friend tragically and suddenly died. He was also just 27 and basically like a brother to me. My girlfriend doesn’t understand. I try to keep up appearances but doing a worse and worse job. I need to change! How?

    • D September 30, 2013, 2:55 pm

      I understand where you are coming from. I too, am just 27 and is extremely depressed. I too also lost someone, my father last year. I lost my job because I just didn’t feel like going because it sucked, I don’t have friends, I didn’t finish college, no one in my family and extended family likes my bf, I am still helping my family pay for mortgage with no job, there’s more but I don’t feel like typing. I feel unhappy, and nothing is enjoyable. I absolutely hate everything. One more thing, I just found two big lymph nodes on my collarbone the size of golf balls and I can’t see a doctor with no insurance and I barely have any money left. Everyday, I live life worrying. I understand what everyone is going through but I feel like I have no one to talk to.

      • sherri sims February 5, 2014, 9:32 pm

        You are here for a reson. Life is full of choices. Please choose to trust, live, learn, love & laugh.

      • Heather September 15, 2015, 4:53 pm

        I know this is an old post, but D, you need to ignore the cost, go to a hospital at once, get an MRI, and find out what those lymph nodes are about. My mother passed away from cancer. Swollen lymphs that size are no joking matter. If you see this message, go NOW to a doctor. Money is not worth your life.

  • silent cry December 18, 2012, 9:11 am

    I do understand and know too well this walking depression. I have had depression for over 30 years now. I have to deal with it every single day of my life. I have tried so many things. I have 4 kids I take care of. Some days I can hide it and others barely hang on. I have come to realize that I was nothing, I am nothing, and always will be nothing. I have no hope, no goals, no plans for the future. I am not even sure why I was even born. Most of the time I wished I hadn’t been born. I have tried to become something in my life but all I ever succeeded at was being a failure. I have no accomplishments, nothing to be proud of. My kids are my life, without them I have no reason to live. It is a struggle to get up in the mornings, getting out of bed and even go about the day. My mom verbally abused me growing up. I tried my whole life to prove her wrong, and ended up proving her right. I don’t even know why I try. I used to be strong and get on with the day, but now as I am older, no so much. It interferes with my job, and my kids.There is no hope for me, no point in trying. I am a failure, a nothing and always will be.

    • gk February 18, 2013, 9:33 pm

      It sounds like you are tired in this post. When I get tired, the words others have used to define me often come out of my own mouth. There is no easy cure for thinking we are worthless…I hope that you find evidence of your worth even before you start looking for it. Many blessings to you, you belong here.

    • joyce May 25, 2014, 3:04 pm

      I know exactly how you feel. Every word. Except even my grown children have quit coming around. I have nothing, I am nothing, will never. Can’t afford help. No friends. The relationship I’m currently in is suffering, and in my head I wait for him to tell me to go away. I search for happiness, I look for something to be fun, but fail each and every time. Have given up and just wait to die.

      • Ripley November 25, 2014, 9:46 am

        I don’t know you, but my heart hurt when I read your post. I sometimes feel the way you do…..I can’t tell you how to feel or what to do to feel better/ All I want to do is tell you that if God deemed you to be born, then YOU HAVE A PURPOSE! He doesn’t randomly put us on this Earth. As humans, we are very subjective of ourselves, but God sees so much more in us. Please hang in there and put God first, he will never forsake YOU!

      • Jenn Truax September 20, 2015, 12:42 am

        This is so true for me and how I feel that I couldn’t help but cry. I feel like this all the time except when I’m lying to myself and putting on a good show for everyone. But it’s a lie and as the years have gone on it’s taken its toll and the lie of I’m okay and everything’s alright is now a festering sore in my heart and I just am miserable. I find that I’m just mean and without thinking basically want everyone else to suffer. Everything makes me irritated and I lash out more than I can imagine. Like I’m now a bad person…the grief of how much I feel unloved and unworthy hurts too much and I just wish I could crawl in a hole and die. No more me being a miserable bitch and no more pain.
        I know there’s hope but I’m so tired of fighting when I can’t even get love our understanding…I hope there’s comfort for you. I wish I had an answer.

    • DC Mom November 30, 2014, 7:37 am

      I could have written your post myself. I’m an adult child of emotionally and physically abusive parents who meant well but didn’t have good role models themselves growing up in poor and dysfunctional families in small towns in Europe. I was suicidal and depressed growing up, gave myself a new start in high school, dated someone for 5 years, tried to break up after 3 and finally married him after feeling that all relationships were destined to be unhappy (as his parents and men seemed to be). Divorced after 6 months, dated the “love of my life” for 5 years, finally giving in to marriage again. Eleven years after meeting him, we had our first child, three years later, the second. My parents made me feel that giving birth was the only time I had ever done anything worthy of their approval. My children became my life, my husband withdrew. I was treated for depression several times with each treatment feeling my husband pull further away. Seventeen years after meeting him, I met the right therapist who made me aware that I was married to a functioning alcoholic which finally made me feel the tension in our marriage was not entirely my fault ( everything seemed to be my fault as I was growing up-my parents made that quite clear). I divorced, taking my kids with me, in hopes of protecting them. They never believed their dad was an alcoholic, they were in the midst of their teenage angst period and I got no emotional support from the ex. I met someone who filled all the emptiness I felt and became engaged. This was when my life went from barely tolerable to extremely happy to utterly unbearable. The emotions and 4 years of my ex dragging me to court for nonexistent issues which were always thrown out by the judge, passive aggressive games, lack of emotional support from my parents (they stood by my kids instead of me and enforced my kids’ opinions that I had lost my mind) left me little choice but to move from the area. My kids had refused to have anything to do with me, the environment was toxic and the divorce settlement forced me to sell my house. I had to move away, the kids wanted to stay with my parents because their dad lived an hour away. I had to turn custody over to my ex so that he would be forced to finally play a role in their lives. Here I am now, ten years after the separation, six years living out of the area and desperately trying to reconcile with my kids. I’m visiting my parents for Thanksgiving and when the kids learned I was coming, changed their holiday plans. So here I am, I’ve upset my parents holiday, my kids want nothing to do with me, defend their dad and call me a liar. I want to die but don’t want to kill myself. I have tears streaming down my face all the time-medication and therapy haven’t worked. I can’t take criticism and my husband and I haven’t had a sexual relation in several years. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know how to be happy. I’m lonely, scared, upset, and wish I could let go of this hurt and accept that my misery is my own fault and I have to let go of the thought that I will ever have the type of relationship with my kids that I thought I would. I even hate myself for writing this post.

    • tired...justtired April 24, 2015, 5:24 pm

      I too could have written your post silentcry. I am tired…just so amazingly, horribly life sucking tired. ALL. THE. TIME! My mother favored my brother my whole life. Nothing I could do was ever good enough. Nothing could make her proud. I got all A’s in school – didn’t matter, my brother was funny. I was captain of every sports team and even got scholarships – didn’t matter,my brother was Captain America who joined the military and she told everyone she met of how proud she was of him. Now he’s a cop with a beautiful wife and kids with a nice home with a pool. I’m a twice divorced mom of 3 struggling to make ends meet. Real f’ing winner. I was close with my father, but he worked a lot and was hardly ever home. He divorced my mother when I was 18- he just couldn’t take it anymore. About a year ago I gave up trying to make my mom proud of me and ever since I am numb. I don’t care about anything except my kids. They have no clue that I’m depressed. I hide it by saying ‘Momma is just tired. It’s been a long day,’ then change the subject. Inside I loathe myself and my decisions. I hate that I can’t force myself out of this. When I’m in the shower I hit myself repeatedly in the head and slap my face desperately trying to snap out of the fog. I hate this!!!!! I want to have goals again. I want to dream. I want to try again. But most of all I want to remember what it is to have FUN again. I used to be so fun. I used to have so much fun. Now I’m serious ALL the time. My deepest desire is to have a small farm with a huge garden and animal where my children can explore and I can be free. Living in this one bedroom apartment is like a prison. There is no way out. There is no knight in shining armor, There is no second chance – we are doomed by our mistakes. I am trapped. I am trapped in this f’cking apartment while my ex husband gets to be free. I hate him. I hate that I have to do this all by myself. AGAIN!!!! My kids are all that keeps me from killing myself. When my mother dies I will not cry. I won’t shed one single tear. My brother became the man she believed he would, and I became the loser she thought I was. I know for a fact that if she had treated me as equal to him that my life would be dramatically different. I am trapped. I am trapped. I am trapped…

      • Melissa June 10, 2015, 10:18 pm

        You actually sound very successful to me.
        Move to a farm in the country, take your kids to a farm nearby, or just go exercise and be in the sun. Do what you want and share it with your kids if you can. You all deserve it!

      • bella September 3, 2015, 6:24 pm

        I will.pray for you.for I’m.dealing with almost the same thing

      • Poetry October 27, 2015, 12:59 pm

        Tired…that is exactly what I would have called myself, had you not. I too am tired…a little differently though. It isn’t physical, maybe not even emotional. I’m just tired of the way the world is working right now. It isn’t fair. It really isn’t fair to us women. It’s hard for us to compete, to exist, in “plastic/fake America”. I feel like I can’t be me, because I won’t be them…if that makes sense.
        Specifically to what you wrote though…my life was similar. I’m older now. The kids are grown.
        Please listen to me…you are very relevant. You had those children for a reason. Second, let go of the mom-hate. I had it too. It consumed me. But no matter how much I hated…she still didn’t see things the way I did. It changed nothing. I hated…she lived her life. Let it go…smile when you see her, be polite, and let it go. When I stopped fighting with my mom, she almost went crazy 🙂
        Finally, try to make a plan. Maybe you can’t get a farm right now, but look for an opportunity…maybe someone will be hiring a farmhand who can live on the property. Or maybe you will find a small place that you can turn into a farm…fix it up.
        If it’s what you want, move towards it. Don’t be like me…years later and I haven’t accomplished one single goal.
        I feel like you really can do this.

        • Bri June 26, 2016, 11:12 pm

          It’s so wonderful you have a dream, I am 23 with 2 kids and no goals or aspirations. My dad passed away when I was 16, my mom was not very present after that as she was serverly depressed. I do not blame her whatsoever. My older sibilings tried to be an authority for me, but I didn’t listen to them. I was definitely not a bad kid by any means but I just went into this blurr mode is the only way I can explain it. I lost all emotion to anything sad because nothing could compare to that pain I felt, but I was just trying so hard to make happy moments. Trying too hard to be happy, and I actually think I was happy! I got pregnant 8 months after my dad passed, had my son and found out I was pregnant with my daughter 3-4months later. I started having pain in my feet during the last months of pregnancy with her but of course I thought it was just because I was pregnant for basically 2 years straight. After having her I started my first step in my goal to becoming a nurse, a CNA program. I finished the program got a CNA job quick right by my house, it was perfect and was signing up for my pre reqs at the college in the fall. while working there I noticed my feet were getting increasingly worse and not better with the baby weight off. The doctor initially said it was plantar fasciitis, so I started PT 3 times a week, got painful steriod shots that did nothing. I worked at the retirement home for a month but the last two week I was limping and limping, worse and worse every day! my right foot was getting bigger and bigger everyday. I got a desk job because I could no longer endure the pain every day (also they don’t give pain meds for “plantar fasciitis” and I’m telling you this pain was debilitating unbareable!!) I got around on crutches in excrustiating pain everyday to get to my desk job, came home to clean the house on my knees and play with my babies. Then, After not being able to walk for 7 months I was finally diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis at 19 with a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Before all this I was a go go go person, I had goals, dreams, plans for those goals. Now I can’t even think straight half of the time. I just feel numb, numb to everything! no emotion but then randomly with no warning or reason I just start crying,(rarely) and in that moment I literally cannot think of a reason why I’m crying if my husband sees and asks me. My husband works and he works long hours 4 days a week I am a stay at home mom. I need to get a job but I can’t because with just a job we cannot afford child care, but would also be literally right over the income limit to receive child care assistance or medical which is completely and absolutely necessary for me to be able to get my medication infusions every 6 weeks in order to be able to walk. All of these things though are just normal life things that I used to be able to work out, figure out and just make shit happen. But now I can’t. I feel so drained 24/7, I used to be so active! My house has succumbed to my depression and I can’t keep up with it anymore, this SAME house I used to keep clean when I was CRAWLING around on my knees to do it is almost consistently a wreck and I can walk just fine, some days even pain free now. Besides the every so often I talk myself up to cleaning, I get a portion of it done and I’m just so done, I know I have grocerys I have to get, and dinner I have to make, and kids I have to bathe, etc. the house can wait, I’m exhausted! I’ve talked to my doctor I was on medication I went on vacation to visit my mom in another state and forgot to refill before I left and ran out my second day of 10 day vacation so I cold turkeyed off of 100mg Zoloft. I was fine, but I just never went back and I feel so much worse but I can’t even think of what to say. When I try to talk about it tears just kinda wail up in my eyes and just go mute. I’ve just kinda given up and accepted this is my stupid self now forever! I have a wonderful husband who loves me and treats me ok, two awesome amazing kids, my only reason I live! I feel like if I don’t get out of this depression I’m going to lose everything that matters to me. I can tell my husband is fed up.

  • Lorna February 9, 2013, 12:50 am

    Just as everyone else has posted on here, this pretty much fits my description. I have been ‘walking depressed’ for over ten years – from my twenties right through to my early thirties. And yes, I still have always gotten up and fed myself, ran errands, but trapped in my own private hell, which, when left too fester, has often further morphed into anxiety and severe paranoia. Its debilitating and frustrating for anyone and as an artist, almost unbearable. I punish myself for everything, but especially for not creating. I think I am finally at a point in my life where something inside me has said ‘enough’. I am now looking to make meditation, yoga and CB therapy a part of my life.
    Thanks so much for the post. I hope mine might help someone else, too.
    x

  • Bren February 25, 2013, 4:48 pm

    I find this post deeply offensive to people who have struggled with clinical depression – the kind where you CAN’T keep walking no matter how badly you might want to because your body feels like its made of lead and every muscle aches and your mind barely works to the point that even making a coherent sentence is difficult. I also experience “walking depression” in between episodes (though my functioning has never been the same since my first episode of clinical depression). You seem to imply that people with “walking” depression are strong(er)-willed since don’t “stay at home in bed all day” – as if being incapacitated is some sort of luxury (I can tell you from personal experience that “being in bed all day” with depression is pure, agonizing hell; there is nothing at all restful about it); depression has NOTHING to do with willpower or strength; even people with ample amounts of willpower are vulnerable to clinical depression. About the only thing I agree with here is that there are various forms of depression. And also, this doesn’t make sense to me: “Because it feels presumptuous to put yourself in that category when you’re still getting by. You feel like it would be insulting to those who are much worse off than you.”
    Why would it be “insulting”? It would only be insulting to narrow-minded people…I’ve always despised arguments involving comparisons to others; pain is pain, period. No one’s personal suffering (whether they can function in spite of it or not) should ever be discounted or minimized or compared with that of another (which is totally useless and senseless – not to mention lacking in empathy).

    • Alison Gresik February 25, 2013, 6:22 pm

      Bren, I’m very sorry to hear that you’re acquainted with depression in its many guises.

      I don’t mean to imply judgment that powering through depression is somehow superior to being laid low, or that one person’s experience is worse. Both are awful; different people just have different responses. My hope is that EVERYONE suffering from this affliction will get the help they need. This post is meant to show people who may not recognize themselves in the traditional images of depression that what they are experiencing isn’t normal and that they need and deserve healing. What looks like strength can really be a weakness.

      • Bren February 25, 2013, 11:25 pm

        Hi Alison. Thank you for your very kind reply. I must say I’m actually really impressed with your reply – you clarified things quite nicely and it’s not so often that people are actually civil and empathetic online! And I would like to apologize for misunderstanding the intent of your post. Having experienced discrimination/judgment/lack of understanding regarding my depression, I’m just particularly sensitive about this issue so I read into it with some of my own preconceptions. I have exactly the same hope as you do.

        Take good care of yourself too. And thank you again for being so kind. Just to know that there are kind people like you out there is a comfort.

        All the best,
        Bren

        • Alison February 26, 2013, 1:38 pm

          Thanks so much for your soft and heart-felt response, Bren. We really are all in this together. xoxo

    • nes. November 12, 2013, 4:00 am

      thank you for clarifying this. i felt these details were left out too. proclaiming strength because you do still walk around, that is indeed the in-between of clinical depression. seems to me like the after effects of trying to fit into a modern society thats affecting most people (could be wrong! everyones different) eg everyone must be strong or they will be looked down upon, much the same I experience because I know everyone must look down on me the second I say I’m unemployed. its how this world works that has everyone messed up. keeping the family alive while paying off a mortgage by slaving their life away (required to be considered human), I don’t want to sound ranty or crazy but something has to change. which is why i’ve been looking into a minimalist lifestyle -getting back to simplicity and what you truly want out of life (still usually some money of course to pay for a smaller home but much less stressful). end result being the appreciation of the little things in life and no desire to shop to fill the empty hole in your heart. well thats the hope anyway … so maybe this will help some? I never ever recommend medication. very bad experiences with it. best advice – socialising (eat with others whenever possible), lots of exercise (must be enjoyable or focused stress relief), minimalism, yoga! and eating as close to fresh grown food as much as possible. ok ranty done ^^ take care

      • hello May 25, 2018, 1:34 pm

        really liked your reply…
        empathy rich,
        respectful,
        practical,
        resource centred
        and intelligent.

        liked the part about nutrition and which types of foods to eat…….
        and asfor exercise (there is really no point in doing it if
        you dont enjoy it).

    • Jess January 21, 2014, 12:53 pm

      yes,exacly,thankyou.

    • June May 7, 2015, 9:46 pm

      Hi Bren, i have been the walking depressed and still am for years. I believe that the walking depressed is just one step lower than clinically depressed. Basically you plod along until you can’t any longer. I am at the point where i no longer want get out of bed. Every part of my life is affected. I can no longer function at my job, my relationship is in terrible shape, i find no joy or happiness in my life. I have my first grandchild and yet i find no happiness there. I know i have had several bad life experiences that havd pushed me to this point. Co-worker i cared about died, my boss was let go from his position and just a few months later, i was. Then my mom died and a few months after thar my car was repoed, then a few months after that another good friend died. I did forget to mention that my uncle killed himself in a store in the middle of all this. There is no offense. There are levels of depression and there are levels that the individual can handle. We all just need for everyone to know that this is real and that we need real help and not to looked down upon. We are not alone as you can see with all the posts.

  • Carol Benitez February 25, 2013, 9:37 pm

    Yes I am among the walking depressed. I just turned 60 and so many regrets and deep loneliness. I really don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. Truly. I see no way out. Wherever I run I take me with me. Thank you for creating this website to let me know I’m not alone.

    • Jojo August 17, 2013, 3:15 am

      Hi Carol
      Your post brought tears to my eyes. I guess because I feel affinity with you. Life just goes so fast. I do get on with it but like you I am full of regret right now.. I am 51. I have a demanding job which completely drains me to a point where I have no life any more. I wouldn’t even know where to start with being creative now though I used to love painting. Unlike most of you all I don’t have kids. That has become such a huge pain for me now it is hard to bear. That I had opportunities I didn’t take & now never can. I just see no way out. There is no way back.I will never have a family of my own. What was I thinking of. I am a leader at work and noone would know I feel like this. But thank you all. For sharing. Love to you all.

    • N October 18, 2013, 11:04 am

      I am so sorry. I feel depressed all the time I am 12 and hate my life

      • Alison October 19, 2013, 1:44 pm

        N, I’m really sad to hear this. I hope you can find a parent or teacher or someone who you can talk to about this. Or call a kids’ help hotline like http://www.kidshelpphone.ca or http://www.boystown.org/hotline.

        I’ll be praying for you. Take care and don’t give up on yourself. You deserve to be happy.
        Alison

      • N October 22, 2013, 7:31 am

        Thank you for writing me back Alison

      • nes. November 12, 2013, 4:23 am

        try and find a councellor that won’t judge the things you say and will offer advice when you need it, keep seeing them frequently. try and find a way to get exercise you enjoy, you will be amazed at how much it helps relieve stress and clear your head. don’t take meds unless it’s your absolute last resort. they can make you much worse and even suicidal without being aware of what you’re doing! find a hobby you enjoy and immerse yourself in it. I used to draw or write stories while listening to music during school to get through it. but if you can focus on the school work its actually important so you should certainly give it your best 🙂 I really don’t know you or your actual problems at all but from personal experience of being depressed as long as i can remember this is the best advice i know. also don’t let others affect your school work, they aren’t worth your future.

    • Parker Foster February 1, 2015, 2:14 pm

      I’ve never heard it put that way, but that is the best way I have ever heard it put….”Wherever I run I take me with me.” There you have it. My biggest hurdle is me, and that is the saddest part of it all. It is easier for me to blame circumstances, other people, etc., but when it comes down to it, I am the only one to blame for my state of mind I guess. It’s good to finally own up to that, but at the same time, it makes it even worse because where do I go from here? I can’t runaway from me, and therein lies the problem.

      • deborah walker August 6, 2015, 9:58 am

        HI you cant run away from yourself but you can learn to love and like your self.There is only one of you dont run from your self face up to your demons. You deserve to be here.
        Love and much light Deborah xxx

    • Terri July 4, 2016, 3:39 pm

      Yes Carol. I know that now…that trying to run to some phantom of ultimate happiness made no diff. In fact my life is nearly in utter ruins. My burning brain is filled with regrets, sadness of a passing life to which no second chances will ever be offered. I wish….I wish…I wish…

    • Susan Ferm July 17, 2020, 9:36 pm

      I love you and appreciate you. I am 58 and am so depressed I can hardly cope. Six months ago I developed a chronic illness and have no one to care. But I DO care about you.
      Love, Susan

  • SYoung February 26, 2013, 5:12 pm

    This is very good insight. I found it very helpful.
    Also… your borders. Those are DNA bands from a electrophoresis gel?
    Now that’s interesting art.

    Art and Science are not worlds apart. Instead of art on one end of the spectrum and science on the other… Think of the spectrum as a circle. Where art ends, science begins, and where science ends, art begins.

    Stanton

    • Alison April 12, 2013, 7:07 pm

      Stanton, you’re the first person to comment on the DNA motif in my website! I agree that art and science are much more integrated than most people think, and I love both.

    • Angie June 5, 2016, 6:29 pm

      I’ve had depression for years. I believe that low grade depression existed in different ways over much of life until 2011 which turned to severe depression. I since have stabilized and I have been on meds and I believe that low grade depression is apparent. I struggle with relationships and is a huge issue for me, if I don’t get an answer back from a romantic partner I start having anxiety and really struggle with it. I can’t be more grateful because I constantly work on this and continue therapy to work on myself.

  • Joey February 27, 2013, 12:36 pm

    I just turned 19, and ive been feeling this way all the way throughout high school. I just noticed last year that I was depressed, but not depression itself but at this point in time all these points are how im feeling …

  • Jim March 1, 2013, 7:07 am

    Everything here struck a chord with how I feel. I spent my night at a bar in a town I don’t frequent, playing darts with fools, and the rest of the time talking to the most depressing looking human being at the bar I saw. I even drove the woman home. She clearly had made some awful mistakes in her life and at (the very least) 60, she was still talking about “turning her life around.” She then asked me if she could light up a joint in my car. I couldn’t have cared less. I don’t smoke anymore, but who gives a shit if she does. She’s a lost cause and hardly notices from what I could see. Why take her last bit of happiness.
    I lost my last piece of “sanity” months ago. I do my day to day, but more and more, the few people who see my regularly have been noticing that I look tired and distant, and I hate that they are finally noticing because I am losing my grip on the facade that is my life. Nothing I used to enjoy makes me happy and I have become more and more hostile toward the people I once cared for. Am I suicidal? Yes. Will I ever follow through? absolutely not. I view it as cowardice. I do find however, that I put my self in more and more dangerous situations just so maybe I could have a bit of an adrenaline rush because I just don’t care about the consequences anymore. I feel under appreciated and like my kindness and helpfulness have been taken advantage of my entire life, and now that I am refusing to help others without getting anything in return, mentally, physically, or monetarily, I am being treated like the bad guy.
    I supposed I should digress. That’s my situation. I’m sure I’m not the only one, and I can only hope we can all move beyond this at some point. Until then, I’ll just wander though the fog until I find something, or someone who can light a candle along the way.

    • Ned Flanders May 1, 2013, 3:23 pm

      Jim,

      Your story really hit home with me, as we are in very similar mind states. My situation is the same as Peter Gibbons in Office Space. I work an office job kind of like that…and every monotonous day gets worse. Every day you see me is pretty much the worst day of my life. I’m losing my grip on “everything will be ok, just stay positive, blah blah blah”. But I’ve come to realize that I am a worthless robot slave meant to do his job, pay taxes, and die. Hopefully we will both eventually find happiness within ourselves. Tonight’s whiskey shot will go out to you and I, and people like us.

      Cheers,

      Ned

      • Heather April 8, 2015, 3:46 pm

        Ned,
        I used to work in an office, and “Office Space” was my life. Now I do different work, which is only somewhat better, because it’s still menial, meaningless work. Although I feel the same way as you, I can say you are not a worthless robot. Another person commented that we are here for a purpose, or we wouldn’t be here. I have to believe that. I HAVE TO. The crap part for me is, I know what my purpose is, and I can’t seem to manage to do it. Like Alison, I am a writer. I know that’s who I am. But have a published? No. Have I even finished anything? No. I have so much desire to write and be creative and I just can’t effing deliver. So yes, my life is still “Office Space” even though I no longer work in an office. I’ll cheer your whiskey shot with my pill bottle. Peace.

    • TVD September 15, 2014, 4:38 pm

      I’m right there with both Jim & Ned: I’m almost 45, and my life feels like a trap. Like Ned, I’m coming to the realization that I’m here on Earth to be a peon, despite having intelligence & a good work ethic. I persist in trying to get work done with no training (my agency is always “broke”), putting up with second-class status, being ignored. I was alone for years, and when someone finally seemed to want me, I was too blind to see that he was just another person who wanted me to be his mommy & take care of him. I’m so tired. I’m just so damned tired. I got up & walked out of work today because I just can’t take it anymore. Can’t leave because I need the money. Tried for six years to change the work situation to no avail. Tried, finally, to “change how I feel about the situation”, but all I feel is a desire to go to bed & never get up again. But can’t even do that, as I now have an elderly husband to take care of, and elderly parents, and have responsibilities. When do I get to be happy?

      • AHG December 11, 2014, 4:07 pm

        TVD,

        I really feel for you, I’m not in your situation, but felt compelled to comment. I feel like life is passing me by, it’s like I’m just here to observe other humans have some kind of life.

      • Dee March 25, 2019, 1:47 am

        What I do at night is put YouTube on phone or tv or some device and make sure it is a long one and listen to something. Before I know it morning is here. Then I just want to continue sleeping but at least I slept. I look forward to night time now because I like listening and I know I will sleep. Evan just getting in bed and looking up things on phone is good. Right now I need to close down and listen to a couple hrs of health truth youtubers and sleep.

  • Nicole March 18, 2013, 5:41 pm

    This is me, too. I’m only 22, but this has been me for as long as I can remember, even through my childhood. Just this morning I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am indeed suffering from depression, but this is the only article that seems to reflect how I actually feel and act.

    • Aleasha October 18, 2014, 11:00 pm

      I am also 22 and feel like I’ve always been this way, I try very hard to make myself happy, I swear whenever I can finally say to myself “life is good” my mood changes within a week or even a day and I feel miserable and anxious, I work two jobs still try and be social, even recently spent 7 weeks travellinG in Europe where I met my amazing boyfriend, I feel like I have no reason to be this unhappy, but somehow can’t seem to escape all my negative thoughts.

      • michelle November 23, 2014, 11:19 am

        I swear I am a walking depressive. My old psychologist once told me that she didn’t view me as someone who needed a psychologist because I seemed happy. I was putting up a front and have been for years. On and off, these feelings come back. And now, they are back, almost permanently. I feel lonely & scared that this will never go away. Most days are a drag. I need a major change but don’t know what to do. I’ve settled in relationships, work, living situations, etc. Now I’m at a point, that I hate my job, I hate the house that I’m living in because I live with my dad who is depressed but he doesn’t admit it. His mood affects everyone, including me in the house. I need to get out of here, so I’ve been saving because its not a healthy environment to be in. Even my friends and some family, have noticed my state of mind and have told me that they notice I am stuck. But always tell me that I am not stuck and that I can change. The problem is, I don’t know how. I created a blog that I haven’t wrote on yet; I want that to be my outlet but am a little nervous because not a lot of people know what’s going on inside this head of mine. Does anyone ever really overcome this.

  • Andrea March 22, 2013, 6:21 pm

    Wow. I can’t believe it. Wow.

    That is me. Maybe I should stop running from myself.

    Thanks for the deep insight.

    xx

  • sooz james March 24, 2013, 3:58 pm

    I have suffered different levels of depression for just about my entire life. It started at about 9 after my parents divorce, my fathers death, my mother handing me over to my insane step father actually her long term boy friend to be his personal slave for a place to live and food to eat well into my twenties. My life has been a challenging marathon, I cannot find even one time in my entire life where I have experienced joy or happiness. Three years of psycho dynamic psycho therapy and nero feedback actually made it all worse and so much clearer. I have never taken anything but natural things to help. Now at 53 I just ask the universe to please take me home, I am done here. I get up and try to carry on each day because it is expected. My mother died 2 years ago, my insane step thing is still in my life, my 25 year marriage is over, I do Reiki, and practice gratitude daily. For me life holds no joy, no meaning, nothing. I just wait patiently not to have to endure this thing we call living any more and will be very grateful when it is over.

    • Helainea October 4, 2013, 11:15 pm

      I am beyond surprised to find someone that is or had experienced the same thoughts I have everyday. I am on meds but perhaps they need adjustment. All I know is that I feel meaningless each and every day. I semi-ask the universe to end my time here. To let me out so that I can find some kind of relief. I am sad, I am tired, nothing holds meaning anymore except my children and grandchildren. They are the only reason I stick around this godforsaken planet. I can’t stand our society, the degradation, the superficiality, the working to live so that I can work just to scrape by while injustice and greed dominate. I look around at others and I too want to know why it is that I didn’t seem to get a fair shake. I did what I was supposed to for 30 years. I raised my kids, I had a limited career because of single parenting and now that I am over 50, I am invisible. Older women are constantly compared to younger women and encouraged to make themselves appear younger if at all possible. I suffer pain from my disc disease and it makes me think or fantasize abt suicide although I would never do it. I can understand why my cousins did.
      I can’t bring myself to work at anything that in my view leads nowhere. No job leads anywhere and yet I am unable to simply retire. I’m tired. Just flat out tired of living. It makes me sad.

  • Martin April 1, 2013, 1:55 pm

    This is me, great article.

  • Natasha April 2, 2013, 11:48 am

    Reading that article and the comments this morning, my keyboard is soaked with my tears.
    I have always known there was something different about me. Since I can remember I have been this way but my mom never believed in mental illness and I think I have absorbed that quality. I can’t seem to admit that anything is wrong just because I feel like a whiner or I’m being selfish. I am starting to realize that its affecting every aspect of my life.
    I have absolutely no sex drive, I have always had no sex drive I just fake it. I cant fake it with my significant other anymore, we have been together for 5 years, he’s not a stupid man.
    I paint, draw, play music, it keeps me happy for those short moments but slowly as i become older, i feel like my creativity is dissapearing and I don’t care.
    When I was younger, I had a major problem with gossiping and lying. I have stopped myself from that behaviour for a while now but its becoming stronger everyday, i just blabbed my mouth about my friend to another friend for absolutely no reason and it has started a spiral of self-pity, hatred and nervous breakdowns for days now.
    I hate the world and what we have become, what I have become.
    I think today I am going to get some help. Thank you very much everyone in this thread for helping me realize that I do actually have an issue and I need to stop faking life.

    • Lindsay September 2, 2013, 4:30 pm

      Dear Natasha,
      I could have written your comment myself. Everything you say is my life to a ‘T’. I have continued with the fake sex thing with my significant other for 14 years, he is not a stupid man either and I feel I have poisoned him and made him feel bad about himself. I don’t know how to make it better. I feel my gossiping and lying when I was younger was due to me having not a good thing in my life to talk about, being bitchy about others made me feel I at least had something to say even though I despise myself for it.
      I do hope that you sought help as you mentioned, please do know that you are not alone xxx

  • Natasha April 12, 2013, 6:35 pm

    i dont know what to do. im so sad all the time and i just bottle it up. i cant help it, at night i just want to curl up in a ball and cry. but i cant, i just cant. i dont trust easily, not anymore. people think im happy, but if they saw the real me, they would probibly cry themselves. i cant go on living like this. im only 14 for goodness sake! please, someone help me, please.

    • Alison April 12, 2013, 7:05 pm

      Natasha, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I’m glad you reached out.

      Can your parents or another adult take you to see your family doctor? Is there a therapist or counsellor you can talk to at school or elsewhere?

      From your profile, it looks like you’re in the UK. Can you call Childline?

      If things are really desperate, look at the International Suicide Prevention wiki, as there are lots of resources there. (I’m not making any assumptions about you, just trying to cover all the bases).

      When you’re in this state, you absolutely need somebody else to help you get through it. I hope you can find someone close to you who can do that. I’ll be rooting for you.

    • Lori November 1, 2016, 12:05 pm

      Natasha, my heart is breaking for you feeling so alone. I just want you to know that I just prayed for you. God loves you and He wants you to experience the joy this life has to offer. Please reach out to someone you trust to get you some help. We all need help sometimes

  • Mandy McCartin April 19, 2013, 11:03 am

    Hi Alison
    I just read your post and it rang so true for me. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for many years, tried various anti-depressants and talking therapies, which worked for a while, at least enabling me to understand a bit more about these conditions. I went to art school and carried on painting -it’s something I have to keep doing as it helps me to process my thoughts about the world and my environment. The art world is not an easy place to be – lots of rejection, highs and lows, no money,which all adds to the stress. I managed to keep going by distracting myself with relationships – sharing my life and feeling part of a couple, trying to find a home, for me and for my heart. And it worked for decades (not with the same person, but several). However since finding myself single for the last four years, my depression has been worsening. I don’t want to take anti-depressants again, I’m trying to carry on but I can feel myself feeling more and more hopeless and it’s scaring me. I was always described as ‘vibrant’ (and still am sometimes) I’m a passionate person but I feel like I am slowly disappearing, fading away. I’m very low, have isolated myself from all but a few good, old friends and have no desire to go out and mingle. I realise that this is not the way to find a girlfriend, but I feel like I look so miserable and defeated that I’m embarrassed to go out. I can hardly bear to look at myself in the mirror sometimes. I used to be SO confident but that woman seems to have gone . I’m ashamed to say I feel like a lost child, wanting someone to come and put their arms around me and tell me everything’s going to be ok. I suppose that’s what it’s like when one is in a love relationship – I know it worked for me. But things end, and change and I’m not good at that. I’ve been an orphan since I was 23, and I have no siblings, so I reckon this has something to do with the over-neediness and the desire to find a ‘home’, plus I’m in a very uncertain ‘career’. But, like Jim said in his post, I have been thinking about suicide a lot recently, but I wouldn’t do it, and I’ll keep going -there’s a teeny tiny ember of optimism buried somewhere that hasn’t quite gone out, and I’m hoping for someone or something to come along with a huge pair of bellows! Here’s to all of us depressed but struggling on creatives – I hope we all find ways to feel a lot better in the future.

  • Lolly April 30, 2013, 11:34 am

    Hi
    Your article is all about me.
    I have had the wham bam cannot get out of the house depression, with the anxiety and panic attacks which was terrifying.
    I am now, for the past 6 or so years experiencing ‘walking depression’ its an accurate description of me.
    I have guilt, sadness and despair weighing me down to the point I want to run away & scream and scream. I fee so lonely, even tho I have a family and a close caring network of friends….I carry on because I feel I have to, I feel I will be letting everbody down if I implode, Its such hard work and I just cry all the time.
    I don’t know what to do and really want to be on my own, with my dog away from everything.
    I have lost all motivation, I used to love painting, designing and sewing, writing, but my brain is dead, I want to do these things, but have no inspiration. This is the first time I have put down how I feel.
    I dont feel suicidal at all, but I dont feel anything a lot of the time, just sadness and lonliness.
    Your article has made me feel slightly better, as knowing there are so many people out there in the same boat.
    Thanks.

  • Dan Whetton May 8, 2013, 1:43 pm

    I can relate to every word like its written for me or by me. Seems I have suffered my whole life. Last year I also found out I have bdd (body dismorphic disorder) which affects what I feel about my body image and looks. Life seems pointless most days and I just tick along. If only it could be switched off without anyone being affected.

    Dan

    • John September 30, 2013, 1:52 pm

      “Life seems pointless most days and I just tick along. If only it could be switched off without anyone being affected.”

      Same here. I fluctuate between walking depression and being utterly disabled. Basically the schmuck. Depends on which day you catch me. I work from home as a graphic designer and obsess over making others happy at the expense of my own health/happiness. Perhaps it’s also about needing approval to justify my self-worth. And like you I suffer from BDDl. It affects all aspects of my life.

  • Sherri May 9, 2013, 1:04 pm

    Wow…
    Walking Depression eh?
    I read this post, and the dots connected.
    I just finished reading some journal entries from 15 years ago, and I’m sad to read about how angry and unfulfilling my life was back then.
    This year, when I discovered that my marriage was in real trouble, I realized that maybe I was suffering from depression.
    It’s been a long journey… but I feel better.
    It never dawned on me that I was dealing with depression… I just always thought I was always so frustrated and angry because no one was as good as me, nothing was exciting enough… nothing was ever good enough.
    Lol… oh boy.
    I didn’t realize that my brain was casting everything in shades of grey and black.

  • georgy May 11, 2013, 3:50 pm

    oh my god….that part about WHY WE DON’T ADMIT IT……..that hit me so hardcore
    great article

  • TL Cook May 12, 2013, 5:44 pm

    OMG! This is 100% me……I don’t know what to do…….

  • Rizza Bolanio May 17, 2013, 3:55 am

    Hi Alison,

    The next time you go down to the beach, could you take my name with you too?

    • Alison May 19, 2013, 1:38 pm

      I would be honoured to. It’s about time I did that again! Thanks for asking and love to you, Alison

  • Laura Gilbert May 20, 2013, 10:53 am

    This…every single thing every SINGLE thing describes how i’ve felt for like, years. ;/

  • Kristen May 21, 2013, 9:26 am

    Wow. I do creative things, but I would never consider myself an artist. Just the same, this speaks to exactly how I feel. I do what I have to do because it must be done. My status quo is suffocating me, but my husband is happy and content and unwilling to change.

    Great article. Despite still not knowing what to do, it’s reassuring to know I am not alone. “Walking Depressed” is a great term for how I’m feeling.

  • Michael May 23, 2013, 4:28 am

    I’m 21 and al of the above rings true, tought I was the only one suffering from such a deep depression.

    Glad I came accross this, to snyone suffering from this, know that you are not alone

    Thanks so much

  • Eleanor May 23, 2013, 8:08 am

    I try to rev myself up with motivational tapes, to no avail. I am on the last day of my lifelong dream vacation – I rented a writing cabin far from everything familiar. But I finished no creative projects. I didn’t even let myself really get excited about any of them. They all sputtered out a few pages in, and I told myself that after nearly 30 years of putting my spirit on hold to attend to others’ needs, perhaps the Me who I was as a creative teenager has dissipated.

    Now I’m weepy and somber, preparing to go back to the melee that is my life, with nothing to show for my Grand Escape. It reinforces the futility of it all.

    This article reminds me of what awaits me once I return to pressure, bills and duties. An intuitive friend once described my life and career as “lying on an ant hill covered in honey, with everyone taking a little nip out of you.” OK. Back to the ant hill. My run for freedom hit a high electric fence. Now I suspect I will never get out nor ever have the courage to try again. How are we supposed to continue like this?!

  • J.K. May 25, 2013, 10:17 am

    You just described my entire life. I’m a 44 yr old woman and I’ve never been happy. I have always felt inside of me was an artist that has never been permitted to create. I have, since I was a child, always loved music, art, books. Unfortunately my sisters and I grew up in quite an abusive and dysfunctional home. We received no love, affection or attention unless it was negative, forget about being taught any kind of life skills. We’re all “o.k.” I guess, we’re not on drugs, alcoholics nor do any of us have a string of illegitimate children. By societies standards we are normal, but I don’t think any of us have ever really been happy. I go to work (I’ve hated every job I’ve ever had), take care of my home and my cats, do the things you’re supposed to do, although it’s often very hard. I expend so much energy doing the things I have to, I often feel there is none left for things I want to do. I often think I have no feelings anymore, I’m just numb. I want my life to be different. I want to do work I love, I want a relationship, I want to feel like what I do matters a little bit. I have no idea even where to begin.

    • DA December 15, 2013, 8:25 pm

      Walking depression. everything you mentioned JK rings true for me. Early 30s, left home for a whole new country years ago. I received very little love from my mother, was ridiculed when I told her her boyfriend was sexually abusive. Everyone thinks I’m the happiest of the bunch but I sincerely want to disappear. I’ve tried suicide several times incredibly I’m still here. Found someone who loves me but all I want to do at night when I can’t sleep is jump in the car and go crash it somewhere. But who’s gonna take care of my family if something goes wrong. Between the guilt, low esteem, frustration, worthlessness I don’t know anymore. Then comes the tears.

      Thanks for sharing your comments. We are not alone.

      • DA December 15, 2013, 8:27 pm

        Interestingly everyone comes to me for advice. I’m even a certified life coach. How can this be?

  • Maya May 28, 2013, 7:27 pm

    I no I was sad for a while. I’ve been going through a lot, but now I want to feel better I really do!!!! I just can’t seem to shake it away… I wake up & say out loud ” I’m going to b positive today ” it will b a great day today”.

    But after I have my coffee & feed my dog this overwhelming feeling comes back & I sit there ALL DAY doing absolutely NOTHING ;(!!!! It’s getting worst with every passing day.
    I come fr a large family, & we usual talk ever day. But lately I can’t even answer the phone , I get anxiety once it rings. They think I want to b like this. They just don’t understand that I can’t help it!!! Please help me! What should I do??

    Idk where to go? Who to talk to ? What medications (if any) work quickly??

  • Alex May 29, 2013, 9:45 am

    Oh my god. Those symptoms are exactly what I’ve been going through for the last year, down to the guilt for being moderately high functioning. I’m seeing a therapist for the first time in years next week, and I was really nervous. I feel like this is going to be a good starting point to open up with. Thank you!

  • Stephen June 2, 2013, 9:06 am

    Wow you just described me. I have been depressed since my early teens. But I have never allowed my self to give up on anything, never let go, never show how I black I feel inside. I was a single parent until recently and having been brought up by a depressed mum who used suicidal threats as a form of emotional blackmail, I have never allowed my daughter to see that side of me. I know what it’s like to be put in a situation where you feel guilty because someone else is hurting, I would never have wanted that for her. At work I was a therapist myself, and now a teacher, so I focus outwards, on my patients and students, I am there for them and I think do a good job, I turn my self criticality into reflexiveness and motivation to always do better, and cannot conceive of letting myself take time sick off due to being depressed. I have always just carried on. At the moment I am having a particularly hard time; my daughter is grown up now so I am on my own, I am tired all the time and finding it hard to concentrate and keep going, even though I still always seem to find a way, and have stopped doing all the things that help give me some release – particularly painting and music composition. I recently asked to see a counsellor via my GP but she did a depression screen and said she could not work with me because I was too depressed! I tried to explain that these tools just tell you (very approximately) how someone feels, they don’t say anything about how they cope with how they feel, and that I really needed to talk to someone. But she referred me back to my GP and now I have another month to wait for another assessment. Stupid stupid system. Nots sure what to do now, I am taking Mirtazipine which helps me sleep at least and with some of the panic attacks, but no so much the mood. I feel I am being eaten up from within.

  • Alan June 3, 2013, 2:48 am

    Hi Alison,

    thank you for such a wonderful post.. and for helping me have a little more understanding about myself and the situation I find myself in. Your article seems to describe all the feelings and emotions that are inside me.

    I cannot remember the last time I felt normal.. it’s certainly not weeks, months or years.. maybe decades perhaps. Some days are better than others.. but it is hard.. when most days feel like a drag.. I feel emotionless.. worthless.. uncared for.. lifeless.

    Today I drove to work in a daze.. just pushing on.. I parked the car.. walked to the office.. the sun was shining.. I had just dropped my son off at school.. it was a beautiful day and I really should have felt blessed and happy. All I could feel was a null void.. emptiness.. I thought about suicide.. I saw a train track and thought how easy it would be to fall under an on coming training..

    I don’t think I would do that though.. the thought of my son without a father.. my dad without a son…and the upset and upset it would cause the people I care for. Weird that I don’t consider myself in those thoughts.. just the others.

    I used to feel full of life.. full of energy.. now I feel little to nothing..

    I know I have a lot of issues.. It’s obvious I do.. I was in an unhappy marriage for 13 years.. followed by a messy divorce.. and then an even more acrimonious struggle to see my son. I lost my house.. my friends.. my money… I’m in debt up to my eyeballs.. all my own doing I guess… but I cannot undo the past.

    I did find someone else.. my new partner and she was caring.. understanding.. but over time she has began to intently dislike my son.. and when he stays with us there is always conflict and friction. It is sometime unbearable and I can feel myself becoming increasingly distance to everything and everyone. It never used to be like this.. I don’t know how or what changed.. but it just seems unfix-able..

    I want to be left alone.. go away… heal… do something to feel whole again… but I carry on with life and get through each day.

    I know I need to make a drastic change but it is having the courage and conviction to do so. I feel if I do.. I can resurrect myself.. slowly.. I need to concentrate on me.. making myself well and happy.

    It feels like I have no time.. time to think.. time to rationalise.. time to motivate myself.. I have lost my creativity and as Austin Powers once did.. my Mojo too.

    *sigh*

    Alison – thank you though…. Fom the bottom of my heart I really appreciate your article and all the responses I have read. I feel a little less alone.

    Alan

  • Yvonne Jackson June 3, 2013, 9:38 pm

    I had the day to myself. A rare treat. I had work to do but had the advantage of doing it when I wanted. I had chores, gardening, all the usual household activities to occupy my time. I had the car I could use to drive to the beach (15mins away) I could walk through miles of beautiful wilderness. I could go shopping, the movies, a restaurant for lunch with a friend if I had called them. I could choose any of a dozen different art projects to work on.
    What did I do? I don’t know. Nothing. Surfed the Internet. Walked around the house. Walked out to the backyard & back. Oh, I hung out a load of washing. Just now I’ve Googled “walking around doing nothing” & found your page & read your words. Now I know why this beautiful day was a loss to me. I hate it! I hate me! I’ve never written that before…I lie, I’ve written it but then I have deleted it & mentally smacked myself for being so morbid & ungrateful.
    I feel really guilty for wasting such a beautiful day.
    Thanks for writing your post…I think I might need to put some real effort into fixing this, this malaise, the beige that is my life. It’s not going away by itself. I have read that the best way to cure depression is to volunteer your time to others. I’m wondering if I volunteered my time to myself, that might work as well. Visit me & take me out, get me to work on some of my art projects with me. I might try both, I would feel better about helping me if someone else was getting some benefit as well.
    Ha! That’s me wanting more for someone else that for me again isn’t it? Damn, this sucks!

    • Lena September 2, 2013, 7:18 pm

      I can totally relate to your comment, except Ive had the past 5 days free to myself with no work and wasted much of it. I have a lot of free time, and usually don’t spend much of it helping and doing things for others, but think i need to work on that. From my experience, giving time to myself has not really helped, cause i sit and think all day about negative things, and don’t actually push myself to go out there and get active. But what i do find helpful is prayer and reading some inspiring Christian books from people who have gone through that path. Also going to sleep at a good early time at night has helped, along with watching my diet.

  • Bruce June 5, 2013, 4:31 pm

    Wow.. nobody has ever put it exactly this way to me before, but you’re pretty much describing me to a tee. I work with patients who are nearing the end of their lives, so I’m always “doing” for others, but I walk around unhappy most of the time – and very stressed out (over money and other things).

  • roxy June 12, 2013, 9:41 am

    i am so depresssed and barely any thing works. talking 2 a therapist works but the process is slow. i shouldve started earlier.

  • Karlee.c June 12, 2013, 9:28 pm

    I’m exactly this….(I’m almost 16)

  • me June 18, 2013, 7:04 am

    Hi
    well i have been walking in misery for years and it just keeps building and building. I have tried to put on such a brave face over the years, battling my emotions trying to pick myself up all the time, turning to drink to make me feel happy. and now everything has come to a head…I havent got the mental strength anymore. i still smile when required, and act proper when needed. but they are not emotions they are actions. I use my car as my safety bubble. i just drive wherever i can to try and find a place that i feel happy in…. searching….i have tried the NHS for help..they blamed it on the alcohol…if i stop drinking my depression will go away, but they dont understand…..i started to use alcohol to make me feel better..i was depressed along time before. i do understand that alcohol is a depressant…i am put in the category of alcoholic.. because it fits…
    i dont feel part of society and dont feel normal.
    i feel let down by the people i wanted to help me… they thought that because i was conversing with them in a normal manner, they could discontinue treatment.after 4 sessions with a psychologist .they maybe never thought that i was just experiencing something that i had never had before…someone to talk to about it and someone that maybe understood…so on my way i went, pills in hand to continue this on my own again.
    i am 38 years, male and pretty disillusioned.
    or is it just me. am i ok. is this just a game my mind is playing with me. am i asleep in a constant bad dream.

    anyway, what a great place to express thoughts

  • Michael June 19, 2013, 6:02 am

    Hello there – quite an interesting thing you got here. 🙂

    Here is how I felt about it after I read your post today. I finally wrote it down…

    http://ststone.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/thoughts-about-life-artistic-life/

    Kindest regards,
    Michael

    • Alison June 20, 2013, 1:50 pm

      That was powerful, Michael. Thanks for sharing it with us.

    • Stargazer June 23, 2016, 9:29 pm

      It tears me up seeing how many people are there who knows how I feel. I felt like I am in no position to rant and that nobody would really understand. I graduated cum laude, passed the board exam in one try and pretty much fit into any job I want but I can’t stay long. I even have to push myself to go to interviews because I get too anxious then after that I get too sad. They always hire me immediately but I get scared of their expectations so I run away. I keep running away but people envies me so I seem like a rude and pride filled person but they don’t understand the anxiety I feel. I would just cry everytime I felt overwhelmed and nothing seemed to make me happy and contented. I ranted about everything. I hated it. Seeing everyone here. I I don’t feel alone. Thank you

  • Aingeal June 23, 2013, 9:40 pm

    So gladi to seeit this. I had a feeling that the reason i stay up so late is a form of punishment. I know i sabotage myself in other ways too. Im aunderpaid huge procrastinator. I just want run away. Sundays are hard because Monday comes next. I dont want to go to my job where im underpaid and feel less than everyday. And tonight, i want to disappear.

    • M March 15, 2016, 1:48 pm

      I know exactly how you feel. I hope things will get better soon for all of us.

  • Nicole July 1, 2013, 9:07 am

    I haven’t drawn anything significant in a few years, since I failed miserably as a community college student. I was in several advanced art programs and state-wide competitions throughout my entire school career, and during that time I did notice a slight ‘slump’ in the way I felt if I wasn’t making any art or reading a good book.

    Now that I’m an adult, this feels like full-blown depression. I’m a retail wage-slave, my relationship of five years is crumbling because I can’t bring myself to go to a doctor or therapist or even talk to anyone. You know you’re seriously depressed when you find yourself googling for a free online version of The Peaceful Pill Handbook.

    After high school, watching many of my AP art friends go off to nice art schools and make their dreams happen, I felt like a total failure. My one amazing talent in life is drawing and creating things, and it feels like a totally useless talent because of how saturated the industry seems now. I wanted to be an illustrator. It feels like a lost dream now, and now I feel rudderless. Like, art was the only thing I ever thought I’d be doing.

    Not sure if I’m a Walking Depressive. The only thing that keeps me from staying in my bed all day with my laptop is the fact that I live with my boyfriend, and I feel I have to keep myself “up” – I make sure I do my makeup every day, keep up with dishes, clean, cook, etc… This will last a few days or so, maybe a whole week even. Then I’ll fall behind on something, this often happens on a weekend when friends come over, and my boyfriend will be angry that I haven’t kept up with the cleanliness of our place. This makes me feel woefully inadequate, and instead of dealing with it and just keepin’ on, things snowball and I get really down on myself and my inner voice starts mentally beating myself up. No one ever told me I was worthless – Eight years ago or so I just started feeling that way, beating myself up for not doing well enough, and now here I am, thinking about suicide every damn day. I’ve even got a bookmarks folder specifically for information on that topic.

    (Also, I must keep going to work, my meager wages do help a little bit with bills and stuff.)

    I got drunk and punched through a window last weekend. The anger and self-hate I have for myself is now manifesting itself when I drink. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I don’t have any friends to talk to, friends that would understand or be able to listen without judgement. My own twin brother has been actually diagnosed with depression by a doctor in high school and he even scoffs when I express that I am feeling extremely depressed and worn thin. I live with my boyfriend now, not my parents, and the best days for me are Sundays when I go to my parents’ house. When I’m there I can almost pretend I’m a kid again, with endless potential, before I started feeling so awful, and my parents don’t see me like the fuck-up my friends and boyfriend probably do at this point.

    Sorry for rambling so much. I’ve never seen a doctor for my problems, I’m rather ashamed and afraid to, plus I’m still on my parents’ insurance for another four years and they’re not doing great money-wise, I couldn’t ask them to help me with this. I think I’m all alone in this, really, and that terrifies me.

    • Lori November 1, 2016, 12:32 pm

      Nicole, please, please go see a doctor. I can assure you that your parents would willingly let you use their insurance than endure the grief of you committing suicide. Let them love you.

  • S_B July 4, 2013, 4:38 am

    After reading your article I feel that this sounds like me. I feel so unhappy and resentful all the time which usually turns to anger. I carry on every day knowing that in my mind I wish I could walk away or end it all. I had a really hard childhood and I have been for counselling which really helped…..for a time.

    I can’t even really figure out what is making me so unhappy and I wish all the time that I didn’t feel like this but I can’t help it. I cry all the time, sometimes with no one else knowing.

    I feel worst in the morning and during the day, at night I go home and numb myself for a little while so i don’t have to feel that way but morning always comes and I always end up feeling the same or worse. Yet somehow I find myself getting up everyday and wanting to make people happy and do things for people even though they do things that hurt me.

    I feel like no one understands me and no one really cares. I am hardest on my husband and daughter and I feel so bad for it I just dont know what to do anymore.

    When I tell people how I feel I am usually met with the same cliche’s like dont be so silly you have sop much to be hapopy for or look on the bright side of life and stop worrying about the negative things. What they dont know is that it isnt that easy.

    I really wonder why I am here and I feel sometimes that if I could go back aqnd have a choice I would never choose to be born.

    Please dont get me wrong in one aspect I love my daughter and my husband very much, I just dont want to pull them down with me if I can’t do something about this!

    • Jenn Truax September 20, 2015, 1:23 am

      Your comment is so so very close to exactly what I was going to comment! I swear, because I think and feel exactly how you described.

      • Hillz November 8, 2017, 11:36 pm

        I feel the so much of the same. I general feel happy most of the time, but with work stress and my limited creativity, my own personal art has also suffered. I come home so exhausted and sad and empty. I have a great supportive husband and a dog, they always help so much. I just feel stuck. Stuck in my job. Stuck in this town. But mostly stuck in my head. I give everyday my best and smile and try to not watch the clock. I do have a history of anxiety well, but i want to dig myself out of this depression and I don’t know where to start.

  • Cookingcutie11 July 7, 2013, 10:09 am

    Wow, I can’t believe how many of these apply to me! Glad to know I’m not alone. Must work on “me.” Very helpful article.

  • Sarah July 8, 2013, 4:00 pm

    This is just 100% me. Thank you for writing this article.

  • Lori July 8, 2013, 7:27 pm

    This sounds just like me. I’m glad I found your article. It is so helpful to hear that I’m not alone. Thank you.

    • Cassandra October 28, 2014, 9:54 am

      This explains to the T exactly how I’ve felt for the past several years. Down to every detail. Thank you.

  • Nicole July 8, 2013, 9:02 pm

    Oh. My. God. This is 100% what is happening to me. Im an artist and everything you said applyes here to the point its scary. Ive been single gor 2 years, Im 30 and I feel so lonely. I want to meet a good man, make a family but I cant make a real conexion with anyone anymore.. Im scared and act defensive and harsh. Everyone thinks im great, i look great (though not so mych lately) even when I ocassionally tell them Im not.

    Im an illustrator and I work freelancer, I see my friends sometimes, I read… But I dont enjoy things anymore. Im afraid I will die lonely, I pity my own situation and Im angry with myself (I never wanted to be an old mom) and I also resent my family because they have shitty lifes and I feel sad gor them.

    I tried therapy for 2 years but it didnt work, Im gonna try medication now… Its not like i dont want yo live, I love life! But I cant find the exitement of it anymore. The proof was going to a trip all by myself and not having a moment of joy.
    Oh I also spend TOO Much time on my own, i have to talk to my dog to use my voice, I want company so bad but I dont know anyone I really want by my side…. Im really down

  • Ana V. July 11, 2013, 8:01 pm

    I haven’t felt joy in a long time. Like genuine, non-alcohol induced joy. All I feel all the time is a huge responsibility to do something with my life: to get a job, to get money, to take pressure off of other people’s shoulders, to stop depending on them, to start relying only on myself, and as a consequence I feel the obligation to be reliable, to be ok, to feel happy. The stupid pressure to be happy when I’m in an impossible situation.

    Having moved from my hometown feels like the biggest mistake of my life. If I hadn’t done it I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend, so I wouldn’t miss him. If I hadn’t done it I would have been sad, too. It seems like I always want more and sometimes “more” is just not something I can reach. I’m stuck. I can’t have my cake and eat it: it’s either being with my family and having the stability of a house and a home and three meals a day and a place to sleep in and pets and a car (even if occasionally) or being with the man I love and fooling myself into thinking I can thrive doing what I love. Maybe my mistake was going to school for the wrong career. Maybe I should have studied something that would allow me to have money and vacations and go see my family and pay rent. If I could turn back time I would change it, no doubt. I feel like I wasted four and a half years of my life and because of that I ruined the rest of my life.

    I’m deeply, thoroughly unhappy. I no longer get excited by anything. I used to love food, and going out, meeting people, just being outside. I could make anything into an adventure, and now I feel worn out, exhausted, worthless, purposeless. I feel wasted, like my life is a load on everybody else’s shoulders. I don’t even have an apartment, I’m crashing at someone’s (not even a close friend) house because I pushed “pursuing my dream” to the point where I had nowhere to live. I don’t have the luxury to choose where my life is going to go, I’m stuck trying to make ends (I’m not even sure I want) meet.

    I just graduated from college, Summa Cum Laude. I did feel proud of myself for a fleeting moment, but looking for a job and ending up homeless despite all that effort really took a blow on my self-esteem. I constantly tell myself I’m worthless. I catch myself saying it “You’re worthless”. How does one get to a place where that happens?

    I feel like I’m worthless because, yes, it seems like I’m here because I’m weak and can’t do anything about my own unhappiness. Everybody else seems to go through life smiling, succeeding at whatever they want to succeed in. How could I ever talk to them? How could I ever tell them and expect them to understand and “take care of me” or “rescue me” the way I feel I need to be rescued if I can’t even understand it and do it myself? I don’t think I’ll ever be happy, anywhere. I don’t think I’ll be happy ever again.

    I would love to reach out, I would love to go to therapy and talk to someone, even if I have to pay them to do so. Except I can’t afford it, of course. Even with a job I just took I won’t be able to afford much besides rent and paying off my student loan every month. If I get to buy food it will be a blessing. I don’t even have dinner tonight and I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone or ask for help. How did I get myself here? How many mistakes do you have to make to end up in this place? I can’t breathe, I can’t smile, I can’t live. I constantly think about suicide but I’ll never do it because I don’t want to hurt other people, and they would feel guilty even though my happiness is not and will never be their responsibility.

    I cry everyday and I’m exhausted. I really, really want to be happy, I just don’t know where to go or what to do.

    • Ali. A.H August 14, 2013, 1:48 am

      I really feel your pain and I’m sorry you had to go through all of this. Keep the hope alive I know it sounds like a cliche but I always have the faith that after the storm there will be a blue clear sky.. Don’t give up on yourself, do it for yourself do it for your family and all the people who cares about you.. Do it for everyone who is suffering.. Take good care of yourself.

  • Apple July 13, 2013, 1:26 pm

    This really rings true with so many things that are going on in my life. Even then, I’m still hesitant to coin it as depression. You’re right about the guilt and shame bit. Thank you for your post though. I’m still not sure what to do, only that I need to do something about it.

  • K. S Trotter July 13, 2013, 2:07 pm

    As I recent grad in the field I’m aware of this type of depression. Though no real concrete research has been done, it is one area of a project for doc degree

  • Shae July 13, 2013, 10:18 pm

    I started crying when I was reading this article, it all rings so true. I didn’t think anyone else felt this way. Thank you.

  • Sting July 14, 2013, 10:01 am

    I have been thinking I cannot be depressed because I never cry yet I never feel joy and while I function it is a matter of going through the motions. No one can tell. I have been what I recognize as depressed before.This almost feels worse. I am numb to the point that the only thing that separates me from this world and what lies beyond is a leap from a tall height.

  • SanMan July 15, 2013, 10:35 am

    i am depressed, i cant work because it seems like every time I spend any energy trying do do something anything really it always fails. so it seems like I am better off not doing anything.

    Some days I dont have 1 single positive thing in my life, except for tv shows and games. And when someone makes makes a nasty comment it usually sends me over the edge, one more nail in the coffin.

    I tried losing weight lost 40 lbs but i still cant get a date and hardly get any views on the dating sites. i went to a wedding and noticed all the fat guys had girlfriends. I cant seem to lose the last 15 lbs I want to. I am getting diminishing returns on my investment.

    I spent 6 months trying to get to know this girl then she cut me off without saying why. I tried to bury myself in my work but each time i finish it and try to sell its a complete flop.

    My mother died drowning in a lake, they never found her body, I was always a loner but now I am a shell of a shell. I cant connect with anyone and dont have any friends. I guess the only saving grace is that anyone else would have already killed themselves by now.

    i usually go through the motions without really putting in much effort because even if I do try my hardest it ends the same way – failure. Everything i every tried – skiing soccer, taekwondo

    there was only one thing I kept from taekwondo and that is the idea of having an indomitable spirit, you fall down dust yourself off and try again. Right now I am trying to pick myself up after failing, its been a few days where i havent done anything because as i told you its hard to justify the effort. The only reason i can survive at all is because of my inheritance

    • SanMan July 15, 2013, 10:50 am

      I finally got a sale today, thats all i need just 1 positive indicator and its enough to turn around my whole day.

  • Mittah July 18, 2013, 5:02 am

    Well its hard to admit that one is depressed, I’m 16 and I’ve been having problems in my at home that affected me academically. Usually in class I find it hard to concentrate because I feel like wherever I go these problems haunt me, I cannot even state what is the problem exactly because I’ve been through a lot and when everything comes together life stops. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a couple of years now and I was caught twice trying to take my life away. I’ve tried crying because at time it feels like it helps, I just smile everyday and have hope that everything will work out in the end but I’ve been saying that for quite a while now and everything is not even working out it seems to get worse day by day. I binge eat because it makes me feel better, sometimes I spend 2-3 days without eating because I don’t feel like it. I pretend like everything is okay so that my friends won’t ask or the teachers. In the 9th grade I told my teacher all my problems and she told every teacher, this is why now I don’t trust anyone. But I know something is wrong with me & because its not really normal to feel this way.

  • Kim A. July 20, 2013, 8:32 pm

    Oh my goodness, this is me. But I just can’t see things changing. Even if I try. But thank you so much for the acknowledgment.

  • aQuietDesperation July 21, 2013, 10:01 am

    I often feel like a failure. The sad part is, a lot of the time it appears to be true. I’m constantly irritated at myself for not being able to find a job, for not being able to care for my daughter. I find myself taking these frustrations out on her, then feeling guilty because its not her fault.

    I am a 29 year old military washout. They kicked me out when I attempted suicide shortly before discovering I was pregnant. My daughter is my tether, and I am constantly afraid that if I tell someone, or try to get help, that they will take her away. I would have nothing to live for if she was gone, but I’m not doing too hot in giving her a life worth living.

    I’ve definitely hit bottom. My family has called me loser, leech, stupid…accused me of wanting them to take responsibility so I can just have fun. I have wonderful friends, but I hate the dependence on them. If it weren’t’ for knowing my daughter would be shuffled from house to house, that my boyfriend who is too caring for his own good, would suffer I’d end it, for good this time. And then even though I have any number of methods at my disposal, apathy sets in and it feels like too much work to even kill myself.

    I’ve stopped eating except for the occasional mug of tea or handful of crackers here and there. I go through the motions of living, smiling, caring, doing…but they’re just a glamour for the real nothing that grips me. I get so angry, but I just keep smiling.

    Where does it end?

  • chris chiovitti July 24, 2013, 3:07 pm

    so I have thought I have been depressed since I can remember (broken families, moves, everything going wrong in life, blah blah blah) but i always kept going. Latley though i hit the “what’s the point?” part and have just been letting my life fall apart, quit my jobs, try to break up with my gf, etc. But no matter how much I think about and plan out ending my life, no matter how much time i spend just sitting by a creek staring at the water or in my car just hiding from the world realizing (or convincing myself) that life is crap (and i have a very convincing argument), no matter how much i do these unproductive things…i still somehow get myself to a gym and get in crazy good shape, manage to stop smocking cigs and having my two beers a week and manage to be an awesome bf that always puts the feelings of her before my own. then i will get more work or keep working, plan fun things to do, do them, ..but eventually within 6 months totally get so depressed again that i will hate everything, not hold my tongue at work when people are a-holes (and because so many people in this country are, it always triggers it) ***side note: i have traveled internationally extensively, mostly trying to escape greed-rotten American narcissistic culture*** …. and blah blah blah. I have researched depression thoroughly and was always like “um, no, i CAN get out of bed, CAN go out in public as long as no one tries o talk to me, CAN go to the gym and exercise, can eat crazy healthy, and the list goes on. Usually I end up thinking “i’m not THAT depressed, guess i’m just a whiner, just a loser i guess.” Forget my step family treated me like a crappy pet, that most Americans i deal with are just plain schmucks, and that I graduated top of my university in only 3 YEARS and have done 5 years of UNPAID volunteer work in Native American communities in America’s backyard that are worse off than most third world countries I have seen first hand. Blah Blah Blah, Right? Grow up, Right? So i do, out perform most schmucks around me at both work and being a true Christian, get depressed, cycle continues, take care of myself, cycle continues, get depressed, etc… etc…. Until this month. Now I just dont care anymore, I get more excited thinking about finally dying than having to keep dealing with this world, which I am convinced must be actually Hell. I have written off having kids cause no way i would bring a life into this greed warped version of humanity.

    Reading this web page is the first thing on depression that i have ever read that i was like “yup. yup. check. definitly. wow, guess i am depressed and not just a negative whiner like EVERYONE seems to think (though i don’t respect most people anymore cause they are so self centered, lacking intellectualism and pompous). Anyway, blah blah blah….

    Who cares? I don’t anymore

  • Lynnie July 25, 2013, 10:10 am

    Like the majority of people who have replied to this, I have suffered since I was a teen. Of course in your youth you tend to bounce back. After a major depression after the birth of my second child, I was hospitalized when she was a year. I was the “walking depressed new mom”, muddling through a full-time job, keeping a house clean, meals, and eventually an affair with a married man at my job. It was exciting but didn’t last. Divorce, financial difficulties, a problem child, the list goes on and on. Meds helped me along the way until a few weeks ago, working overtime, I should have recognized the symptoms, but I kept plugging away. Then the panic attacks started and I was like whoa, go see a doctor. He put me on stronger meds, two weeks later I am functioning again but don’t feel any real happiness. That little voice inside us says, you are worthless, you aren’t successful. My heart aches for all the sufferers and I pray my children don’t inherit this awful disease I have. When I retire, I am going to become a dope smoker, sit back and chill.

    • reverdia August 4, 2013, 11:09 pm

      oh baby… retire but don’t do that ! i considered it, but i considered all that goes with that…. we’d do better to wear funky clothes, amazing straw hats, jeans & sandals with big bags & listen to all kinds of really cool music and … just be. but no dope smoking… ‘k ?

      • reverdia August 4, 2013, 11:10 pm

        well… at least not toooo much…. lol

  • Hannah July 28, 2013, 3:33 am

    Having read this right now, I completely feel all these things. I run so far from my past in the fear that no-one will accept me for it, making me even more depressed, lethargic, resentful of my time being taken up, despite volunteering myself to do things. Now I’m in counselling, I feel that something is being done about how I’m feeling. I broke the ice after a month of speaking with my counsellor last week, and felt better for it. But when I am trying to heal, I cannot abide being around people who drain me emotionally, demanding too much of the time that I have reserved for myself. These people destroy my harmony because they are unhappy themselves, and on a day like today – I have to say “enough is enough”. I know what I have to do now – and that is to be firm and fair with those who think it’s okay to approach me in a time of chaos.

    • reverdia August 4, 2013, 11:11 pm

      learning to say yes to me & no to others…. sometimes no to me too…

  • Leon Mentz July 28, 2013, 8:53 am

    I have gone through so much crap in the past 6 months and you have just described me perfectly.

    I did not think all those signs you mentioned meant anything until now.

    I am so scared that nothing significant will ever change. I think my wife acts in exactly the same way. This leaves both of us so exhaustingly unhappy….

  • Lynn July 29, 2013, 5:12 pm

    I am crying because I feel like somebody finely understands me. I put up this front but I’m finding it harder and harder to maintain. I need to escape from a very unhappy relationship, I just can’t disappoint all the other family members that will be affected. I feel so lost and helpless.

  • reverdia August 4, 2013, 11:05 pm

    whew. i can find joy, but it only wears like a wonderful garment, i can’t seem to inject it, or even ingest it. it’s as though it’s too big for me to get inside and so… i experience joy, but i can’t seem to sustain the feeling of joy when the volume descends to happiness. i’m 64 and i know well, that i attract wonderful things, but the depression keeps them just out of reach, it seems. i don’t have time to waste or just throw away. i’ve already lost two years recently & the days pass so fast over my head, i can barely keep up. i’m a poet, artist, some say, shaman & yes, sometimes i can feel that… why can’t i feel this stuff allllllll the time ? I’ve chased love away, & distanced myself from people i like because i feel… intimidated- not good enough. HELP.

  • Tilly August 8, 2013, 7:02 pm

    That’s me. I feel horrid but I feel like I any stop and take time to sit it out. I’m too busy…also my husband is going through “real depression” ( can’t get out of bed) so I need to look after him…not worry about me!

    Glad I’m not alone though.

  • Essi August 9, 2013, 2:20 pm

    I have been very unhappy with everything about my life lately. I have been walking through my life like a ghost for a couple of months.

    Tonight I finally realized what I am going through -a walking depression.

    I know something needs changing in my life and I will do my best to make at least a tiny start tomorrow. And make sure my best friends know what I’m going through.

    Thans you so much for this post.

  • Robin August 12, 2013, 2:05 pm

    I also work a government job. If I lost this job, I’d take a dive over a bridge. It’s that simple. Work is so hard to find, I am never quitting this job.
    I don’t care how many damn drugs they perscribe me, I AM NEVER LEAVING.
    Some people can’t afford adolescent kumbahyah nonsense. You get up and go to work, period.
    You work till you die.

  • Todd Stephens August 12, 2013, 7:40 pm

    Yes, I am currently very much experiencing everything listed. Each and every day I push myself forward. I feel as if I have no worth to anybody ( meaning my friends, co-workers and employer ). I cannot find happiness in anything, I am only 43 yrs old and because of a congenital heart condition that has required me to under-go two open-heart surgeries every single one of my dreams that I have ever had has been taken away from me. This stuff is terrible.

    Todd Stephens

    • Denise D September 3, 2013, 1:35 am

      Hi Todd, you are not alone….I feel the same, and because of my heart disease, along with fibromyalgia and Type 1 Diabetes, which has cause serious eye disease as well as neuropathy in both hands and feet, and hypothyroidism, my life feels like a complete waste bc I’ve not been able to follow my dreams. My marriage just exists, as do I. There is nothing special in my life, and I hold on to God so tight bc He’s my only hope. I’m sorry that you’re going through this as well. It seems that no one understands us. But I guess all of us understand.

  • Jess August 12, 2013, 9:09 pm

    Love this article, thank you so much for addressing and writing about it.

    I remember at about the age of 28 I finally “gave up” trying to be brave and strong and visited my GP. I always suspected my depression but felt that because I had never missed a day of work etc that I couldn’t possibly be. As he told me, everyone deals with it differently! When I was unsure about medication, he said “jess, you have a genetic depression, if you had diabetes you wouldn’t be embaressed to have a shot daily”.

    Simply find a good GP, therapist, supportive family….tell someone….be as strong as you like but know when you need help and ASK. For a lot of us it never goes away but there are better days/months/years than others.

  • Alessandra August 13, 2013, 6:51 am

    i fight depression every day of my life. i was self/mom diagnosed at the age of eight when there was no such thing because my mom wouldn’t give up. some of it is food triggered. BHA, BHT, MSG, TBHQ in foods will cause an immediate and horrifying episode. PLEASE TELL OTHERS IT WILL HELP IF THEY CUT THESE OUT OF THEIR DIETS.
    i’m so tired of fighting to be happy. i have a drug that takes the edge off but i still have to fight. your article made me cry because it’s a part relief that i’m not alone and part depressing that i’m right there in black and white.

  • Ali. A.H August 14, 2013, 1:37 am

    This is really me! especially the part about drinking coffee, I just feel alive again and suddenly life got a meaning and purpose. I guess the most clear sign of walking depression for me is during the weekends or holidays [ where you actually have a time for yourself free from the responsibilities] This is where usually I give up and let the depression “loose” and may end up spending a Saturday on my bed.. I force myself to do things daily..

  • Angela August 14, 2013, 8:19 am

    I have felt my entire life depression but I didn’t realize that I was because, I’m guessing, of the stereotypes. I had been working since I was eighteen until I was in a fatal car accident.

    I was prescribed in the emergency room that day Prozac and tried to take all of my medicines as prescribed. I didn’t remember to take them, didn’t know if I had taken them and may have accidentally overdosed and it wasn’t only the medicine that I couldn’t keep track of.

    I was forgetting to eat and drink, which I still do today whenever I feel sad about a situation or interaction with someone. I deny myself consciously and unconsciously. I realize that I get this way, but I put it down and don’t finish it all day, from my coffee to my water. I will remember and look at, but I won’t be able to force myself to pick it up and bring it to my lips.

    I love to write, I love to doodle, and I love to read. I like to make things crafty like quilting and beading and I long to learn how too make a afghan and cable knit blanket. I will stifle myself with how to think with self-help articles and videos. I will force out of me hours and hours- pretty much all of my waking hours educating myself on how to get my head straight.

    I have a therapist. Pretty much since the fatal accident, I have been with her and she encourages having a full life, with work and art. But, I have always been told because of what my personality looks like from the outside that I would not be creative enough to succeed in the art industry.

    The state of Maine is not a creative driven state. It’s more about practicality and being responsible and independent. When I was choosing a career in high school, my interests were all in the creative industry and I was told time and time again that there isn’t a call for interior design in this state and I should choose something more practical.

    I want to write a story and an original song, but I also want the story published. But, again, where I am from, that sort of revenue of income is impractical and therefore a waste of time. I should be working and doing this, even if I am disabled and collecting disability from extreme overworking accompanied with PTSD which keeps me in a perpetual state of fear.

    I want to take your advice and keep my therapist, but you’re right. I need a creative coach. It took me seventeen years to purchase a pad of large graph paper, a drafting ruler and some drafting pencils. I have always wanted them, I never bought them and it was less than twenty dollars worth of stuff. Now I need to finish what I started, I need a boost to keep my momentum going before something makes my heart sink again.

  • MMM August 14, 2013, 8:54 am

    This described my life. In recent years I’m not even able to be creative because there’s no point. I enjoy nothing, there’re only shades of “meh”. But there’s nothing I can do about it and I have to keep on keeping on.

  • ablooo August 14, 2013, 5:56 pm

    dang, this hit pretty hard. i’d love therapy, but i don’t have the bills to drop on it. keep on keepin’ on, i suppose. even with the struggle parts, i can put words out. vOv

  • Chicky August 14, 2013, 10:36 pm

    Since I was 15 or so I became depressed. I went on in life like everything was fine. At 17 I meet my boyfriend/ best friend. He made me life worth living, yet I still had depressing moments. A mounth and a half ago my ex boyfriend broke up with me. We had been together 5 years 9 months and 15 days. The reason he broke up with me was because “he wanted to do other things”. Now I’ve spiraled back into my depression. The first month I wanted to cry all the time at work and home. I went 3 weeks hardly eating or sleeping. Now I’m able to hold it in until I get home. I not only lost my boyfriend I lost my best friend. I’m so lost and alone even though I have family all around me. I really don’t have many friends because I was tired of being hurt. I’m on medication but its only helping a little bit. I’m so ready to be happy again.

  • Chicky August 14, 2013, 10:36 pm

    Since I was 15 or so I became depressed. I went on in life like everything was fine. At 17 I meet my boyfriend/ best friend. He made me life worth living, yet I still had depressing moments. A mounth and a half ago my ex boyfriend broke up with me. We had been together 5 years 9 months and 15 days. The reason he broke up with me was because “he wanted to do other things”. Now I’ve spiraled back into my depression. The first month I wanted to cry all the time at work and home. I went 3 weeks hardly eating or sleeping. Now I’m able to hold it in until I get home. I not only lost my boyfriend I lost my best friend. I’m so lost and alone even though I have family all around me. I really don’t have many friends because I was tired of being hurt. I’m on medication but its only helping a little bit. I’m so ready to be happy again. I’m the walking depressed.

  • anita August 15, 2013, 2:00 am

    im about to become homeless in a few days with my 4 children and im 31 people don’t no wat im going true at my age its brushed of ahhh ur only young don’t be silly ur not depressed…. wat do I have to do to get some help go and try kill myself witch ive thought about already I feel so let down by family and so called friends im so alone and don’t now what to do I cant even be a good mother as I cant even keep a home over my children what am I going to do plzzz help me

    • Gemma September 23, 2013, 3:35 pm

      Please don’t feel like you are not a good mother. Life can bring many difficult times as well as the happy times. I too have 4 precious children and have often felt I could have been a better mother. A good friend once said to me that my children will see me get through the difficult times in life and come through the other end and because I have been able to do this, they will be better prepared for any challenges they might face in their life and know that they can get though them too. – This has given me so much comfort. I also have similar worries to you at the moment, but I know that there is help out there. There are people that want to help. There are charities set up which can help you or advise you. I have turned to as many places as I can to seek help including my church and charities for these type of issues. It is hard when family and friends do not seem to understand. Remember that one day you will be there to help others who are going through similar things to you. Remember you are a strong person and good mother because you carry on through all of the difficulties that life thows at you. – I truly believe you can call yourself strong and be proud of the women that you are. Things will get better. We know there are so many that struggle even more than we do on this earth. You can do it and everything will be o.k. For you and your children. They will not suffer, they will become stronger as they watch their loving mother do her best each and every day and always love them no matter what happens in life. Please know you are not alone. Please ask for help. I promise you people do love to help. Take care as best you can. Sending hugs….. (:

  • Elle August 16, 2013, 9:20 am

    This is completely me…
    I was put on anti-depressives 18 months ago but came off them after only 3 weeks because I found it ridiculous to think that I was depressed; my life doesn’t seem bad enough for me to be depressed.
    Then again, I don’t think I’ve actually been happy in any way for well over a year

  • An Lou August 18, 2013, 8:03 am

    This is me. My whole life. Since I was a little girl. Sad, unhappy. Reliable, busy, productive. I work, I take care of my family, I entertain, I’m involved.

    I need something to snap me out of this so I can experience joy.

    • Typingmonkey September 3, 2013, 6:37 pm

      Oh my gosh, me too. My whole life. I’m the do-er, the fixer, the go-to, and I’ve been unhappy my whole life. Most people probably wouldn’t guess. Now in my 40s, I’m wondering why I did everything for everyone, they all took what they needed and left me here. I’m dealing with bitterness and resentment, yet and still I’m sacrificing my time and talents for others under some kind of responsibility and obligation. What was it all for? And no outlet for true creative side which I feel as though I’ve barely explored either because my time has been taken by these obligations, and/or because I have no confidence to try. Completely miserable.

  • Joe August 19, 2013, 1:22 pm

    Most of those descriptions apply to me,except distancing myself from people who are trying to help me. But I do find myself feeling weaker and less enthusiasm for things,including finding work which I absolutely need to survive…so it’s a catch-22.

  • hannah August 21, 2013, 12:24 am

    Reading that was like reading a list of what I do daily. I’m 17 years old and I have abreakdown and cry uncontrollably, but after I’m done I carry on with my super busy daily life. I try to be the most helpful person to everyone and I rarely get angry or be mean. I am surrounded by so many people yet I feel like I have no one. I’m exceptionally good at being a super happy, positive person in front of my friends, family and coworkers, but when I’m alone it just makes it even worse. I have an eating disorder also and I know that doesn’t help. I want help so badly but I refuse to burden anyone with my problems. Its nice to know I’m not the only one going through this, I just wish it was easier to fight. I hate knowing that my happiness and sadness are both completely in my contol, because it just makesmakes hate myself even more for not being able to do anything. Depression was never something I wanted but its always been there and I hope someday I will be able to get over this and move on.

  • Julie August 23, 2013, 5:01 pm

    I was diagnosed with depression 14 years ago, then came Diabetes. I also have a bulge in my lower spine that limits my options for work so I’ve been unemployed for 10 months. My unemployment ran out 2 weeks ago and I’m facing homelessness. How does a depressed person survive all this. I don’t think they do.

  • Amy August 24, 2013, 3:52 am

    I hate that your right :/

  • Tom August 28, 2013, 3:06 pm

    thanks for this like so many others here this fits me however i knew i have had depression for a long time before being diagnosed but its only recently (just before diagnosis) that it got very severe this site helps thanks.

  • Lena September 2, 2013, 7:01 pm

    Can totally relate to the waking up in the morning feeling crumby. Especially when i sleep late the night before. I don’t think i have a walking depression, but something somewhat close to it. Something is going on with my body i think hormonally, and much of the time I feel like Ive lost a good chunk of that zeal for life and people. Especially at certain times monthly. Sometimes i think its just a matter of changing my thoughts and making sure I’m working enough, exercising, or eating better, but that doesn’t always apply. I am usually better when I’m working and going out, but sometimes find it hard to motivate myself to get out and keep busy, and even then I’m only slightly better.

  • Denise D September 3, 2013, 1:46 am

    Thank you for this article! I have felt so isolated for the longest time. I’ve been a Type 1 diabetic since I was 4 and realized I was depressed in my teens bc of my family situation. I’m an only child and both my parents are deceased. I never had a happy childhood, and my adulthood has been a mess, lack of friends, loneliness, severe health conditions and not being able to function all the time, yet I always strive to do things and be busy instead of sleeping and doing nothing. I do find it difficult to concentrate, yet I’m constantly busy doing things, running errands, taking care of stuff, taking care of my husband, listening to other people’s problems and trying to solve them. My life is overwhelming and at 55 with a heart condition, I’m totally burnt out. I also have hypothyroidism, menopause, eye disease from diabetes (I was blind for 2 years), nerve disease in my hands and feet with constant numbness and pins and needles, and I live in a neighborhood that no one wants to come to. I rarely have visitors and my husband works 2 jobs, so in 21 years of marriage, I’ve never had quality time. He’s kind, but he’s selfish. It takes him a long time to understand my needs but doesn’t know how to deal with it.
    Soooo, I live here, praying every day for an answer, and even though I’m happy when I’m out with others, I am in dire depression. I hate my life. But I have to remain busy to keep myself from going into a very very dark place. My life is a waste.

    • Gemma September 23, 2013, 3:07 pm

      Denise D. I am a natural people pleaser, because it makes me happy thinking about other people, but I am having to try and learn the we can not fix other peoples problems. I know that you truly do care for others and want to help solve their problems, but please remember – ‘you can’t be there for other people if you are not looking after yourself as you will crack and be no use to anyone’. Because I wasn’t looking after myself enough I was starting to crack and feel like I couldn’t give anymore. Please try to make time for yourself. I know it isn’t easy, but you must do it, even just for 20 minutes. I have found that I need more than 20 minutes most days, but on those really busy days you must give yourself at least 20 minutes to breath and look after yourself. I have made time for myself relaxing and being on here tonight and it has made me feel happy writing to you and others on here. I am like so many on here, a hard worker who finds it hard to slow down, but we must. We all need to learn to relax a bit more. Take the time to breath and do something for you. Also prayer truly does work. I prayed for a long time for many things like loving my husband more and him loving me, also for having the strength to be the mother I needed to be etc. A couple of years ago my prayers were answers and my heart was softened. I too knew my husband was a kind man, but felt he was selfish and didn’t think about my feelings. I realised I had slowly allowed myself to become bitter towards him as I was focusing on all of the things he wasn’t doing. I realised what I needed to do was to start focusing on the things HE WAS doing, like going to work and providing for our family, also feeling more grateful for any small jobs he would do in the home, even if they are few and far between. Men are so different to women and they show love in such a different way. It truly brings happiness back into your life and soul as you focus on the good that your husband does and stop focusing on what he isn’t doing. It can help too to write a few things down on a piece of paper to keep in your purse so you can see it often, things that made you fall in love with your husband. One of mine is my husbands gentle heart, remembering that gets me though some tough days. I know you will be o.k. Just look after yourself. Everyone else will survive whilst you take a bit of time for yourself. Take care. sending hugs…. (:

  • No One September 3, 2013, 8:31 am

    Great stuff. Certainly things I never would have thought about. Great points on how to pull it back together. I personally cant pull it back together. I have been to many therapists in many different states, I have been depressed for many years as well as in a terrible domestic situation. I have found if you don’t help yourself no one will and when you cant no one cares.. therapists included. my current one has become so scattered that she can even keep out appointments and double books. No one wants to hears someone elses negativity I agree.
    If you are still at a point to help yourself do it! No one else is ever going to and no one can make it better but you.

  • Jeanna September 6, 2013, 5:27 pm

    I have felt like this for 3 years since I left my job in the Army which was my dream job since I was a little girl. When I got pregnant then married I gave up my job so it would be easier for my now husband. Ever since then I have felt like you described but I just keep going and try to find a light at the end of the tunnel but I see it, it just keeps getting further and further away. I have even started hating my husband for me leaving the job and life that I had dreamed of, though it was a joint decision for me to get out. I don’t have the time nor the energy to see someone about how I feel. My husband doesn’t think I’m depressed since I am not going crazy well at least not on the outside but me around him, my kids or anybody is very different from me when I am alone. Your article really touched me thank you.

  • kirar September 6, 2013, 9:18 pm

    Thank you for your post. I’m a walking depressive.

    I think I first noticed something wrong when I was 9 years old. I was reading “Lord of the Rings” when Frodo, who was beaten and possessed by darkness, mentioned that he doesn’t remember his home and everything that made him happy.

    I realized I felt like that too. All the time. I woke up for the time when I can go back to sleep, not that I could sleep from anxiety. I knew something wasn’t right. But I didn’t want my parents to worry about me. And I don’t want people to call me a emo loser who should just kill herself already. So I just..lived. I went to school smiling everyday while contemplating hopelessness and death. I felt numb to happiness and unhappiness. So I didn’t think I was depressed, I mean I don’t break down or stop smiling ever. Everything is fine.

    I’m 24 now, and up until a year ago I was doing just that.

  • Marc September 9, 2013, 7:37 am

    Also, maybe, there may be some small source of pride… to be able to pick yourself up and move and take care of your child (or whatever duties you have) despite desperately wishing you could collapse and die.

  • Colette September 12, 2013, 5:31 am

    I am feeling worthless, ugly, insignificant and very alone….have contemplated suicide many times…weirdly one of my brothers who I didn’t know was suffering (walking depressed) did take his own life last year….now, I have to keep my feelings even more bottled up as I don’t want to worry anybody particularly my parents…I am 39…I feel as though I could be creative….always having ideas about stuff….used to love singing (in private…nobody knows I can) but even that seems pointless…not sure how I came across this site but if it helps people express themselves then good….I am not ‘arty’ I don’t think but if it brings you all together I am glad. Thanks for reading.

    • Wendy S September 14, 2013, 12:03 am

      Colette, I understand. I’m there with you. I hope you are feeling better today.

  • Wendy S September 13, 2013, 11:59 pm

    Wow~ Oh how I relate. I’m 40yrs old and my depression has become more frequent and when it hits, It Hits hard. I’ve been depressed since my early teens. Typical, I succumbed to an eating disorder to try and punish myself. To somehow make what I was feeling on the inside, manifest itself on the out. I didn’t deserve food! At first it was a sense of control over my life-everything was spinning wildly around in my mind. I needed so desperately to have some form of stability~Starving myself became my therapy of choice. Like everything in my life it to stopped working. I’ve also been able to somehow keep going. Pretending became my Best talent. I’m a master of disguise~boy if I was an actress playing out this role, I would win an academy award; Ok, more like 16. My thoughts are consumed with self hate and wanting it to be over. A bitter aching sadness that is devouring everything within me. Robbing every pleasurable, meaningful, happy thought like an addict. I am Sad, I am Mad, I am Nothing. I don’t live, I exist. Doing what I have to do and hating every minute. I’ve not been anywhere that I haven’t had to be in way over 10 yrs. I simply Enjoy Nothing. Nothing defines every aspect of my so called life. I’ve known for along time I’m depressed. I’ve tried to get help but honestly how in the world can I get better when inside I truly don’t want too. I don’t want to do this forever. I’m tired. My reserves are depleted. Every ounce, nook and cranny of my 98 lb body wants to go to sleep and sleep forever~it’s the only time Im Alive. I’m able to stop the thoughts, the self loathe and muster up the Strength to do it all over again tomorrow. Depression has stolen my existence

  • Amgad September 15, 2013, 6:29 pm

    I agree, I am 9/10 of those. I can say I am miserable most of time never happy, never having fun. I do try moving on and changing never works. But I help some of my friends that get close to falling in depression but I push them away. I enjoyed you’re article and hope you’re help to people stays and expand.

  • Brenda September 15, 2013, 7:01 pm

    Life just keeps on going….I just keep walking through it. Something has always been wrong and I’m so tired of fighting it.
    I used to fight really hard but nothing really comes of fighting hard. Now I am a blank inside and the really terrifying part is….no one cares. Not really.
    I do feel like I owe it to a few people to at least try to hang in there while all is okay and I am “healthy”. If I ever get a terminal diagnosis or some other kind of tragedy, I’m out of here. I don’t care anymore.

  • Luke Vestergaard September 17, 2013, 10:09 am

    I’ve been depressed for quite a while, but i never really talked with anyone about it before. when i read this. 9 of the 10 points, are true about me. and have been for over 3 years now. I just don’t know what to do, when i start reading, I seen people writing about how bad that have it, and mine just seems like a “phase”. I’ve suicide thoughts daily. But I’ve never tryed to take my own life, I’m scared I’ll fail, and it’ll hurt.

    • Gemma September 23, 2013, 2:46 pm

      Luke Vestergaard – At one point in my life I would have thoughts about dying on a daily basis, but I didn’t really want to die. I felt really worried that I was having these thoughts and eventually plucked up the courage to speak to my counsellor about theses thoughts. She told me that it was normal to have these thoughts, that I was having them because I wanted to escape all of the worries and difficulties I was facing at the time. I didn’t want to die, I was just very overwhelmed with all that I faced in m life. I felt so relieved to know that this was normal and I was just crying out for help. After that I would try to ignore these thoughts and try to breath deeply and let my mind and body relax. I needed to learn to take care of myself as I was always so worried about the needs of others and never made time for myself. I am still trying to learn to make more time for myself, but since that time I have stopped feeling guilty about giving myself time to rest. I just keep on reminding myself that I work hard and that I need to allow time for myself and that that is really important. – If we don’t look after ourselves we can’t look after anyone else as we will eventually crack. Please look after yourself and always know that people really do love to look after you too. Also it is o.k. to ask when you need help, sometimes asking for help is the hardest thing to do, but people truly do care. Things will get better, I am living proof of that. (There will always be difficult times in life, but you truly will come through the other side and realise how strong you were.) Take care. Sending hugs… (:

  • Trey Allen September 17, 2013, 4:51 pm

    Im a 16 year old highschool junior,student athlete,I try to be optimistic about majority of things,and it seems to fail everytime. I struggle with my daily tasks,idk if its self pitty or really dissapointment. Im not suicidal,but I seem to care less & less about the stuff that matters the most to me. Im tired of pretending that everythings alright,that im living normal,because deep down I couldnt be more unhappy.

    • Gemma September 23, 2013, 2:24 pm

      Trey Allen. – I just read your post and wanted to give you some hope. I’m 34 now, but if you can believe it or not, being 16 really doesn’t seem that long ago to me. It is a great age to be, but also can be hard at times as you try to juggle school, friends, family, emotions and work etc. Looking back at being 16 I should have made some better choices and just enjoyed being that age, trying to look at school in a positive way and how it would help me in my life and make sure I made time for my friends and not worry too much about relationships. I felt very tired at that age and I think that contributed to me feeling depressed, also I was in a long term relationship and wasn’t happy. – I remember ending the relationship as I stopped being happy and missed just being me and missed having fun and happy times with my friends. Feeling really low thankfully didn’t last too long. I shared how I was feeling with my family and I got the help that I needed. I was taught some relaxation techniques which helped me to look after myself more and let my mind and body rest. As I spent more time with friends who I loved and trusted I became my happy self again, looking at life in a more positive light like I normally would. I know you can feel better. Spend time with good friends and let your family know how you are feeling. Try to focus on the good things in life and even when things are hard look for positive ways of getting through it, as you WILL get through your hard times. Remember you learn and get stronger from the tough times in life and you become more understanding of other people who might feel the same. I am s grateful that I can be more understanding of others and also know that I am strong because I can get through all of the tough times in life. Take care of yourself. There is always someone there who wants to listen and who cares. – Don’t ever feel like you are a bother if you need to talk to someone, as one day you will be someones listening ear and comfort. Sending hugs…..

      • Gemma September 23, 2013, 2:32 pm

        I hope you don’t mind, but just wanted to say. Try not to expect too much of yourself. I know it can feel hard, but force yourself to make time for yourself everyday, even if it is just 20 minutes. – Try doing something that you enjoy and helps you feel relaxed. Also get the rest you need. It might sound boring, but sleep is important, well at least 8 hours. You’re doing a great job keeping physically busy being an athlete, but listen to your body and take it easy sometimes. Try not to beat yourself up if you don’t do all that you would like to in a day. Pat yourself on the back every time you achieve one of the things on your list. – You don’t have to complete your list, achieving one thing at a time is GREAT. Just start with the most important things on your list first and if there are some things left on the list then they won’t be the ones you have to worry too much about. Take care. (:

  • Kera September 26, 2013, 9:31 pm

    This article actually made me smile. Like a real true blue smile. For the past year or so I’ve been feeling a bit off. I have general anxiety and adhd inattentive type and havr been on medication for the past 3 years. I’m not sure what triggered my walking depression but the effects of it are showing in my clothes size. I had lost a lot of weight and then I feel like I fell asleep for a year and gained it all back. I honestly can hardly remember the past year. Well now that I’ve finally typed all of that out I think I know when it started. My son has adhd and had a lot of trouble with it in kindergarten. Which meant a lot of contact with doctors, therapists, counselors, his teacher, principal..etc. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong..and still do..I know it’s pointless to blame myself but it doesn’t change ths way I feel. I feel inadequate as a parent. So I feel like sleeping. This school year is worse. School has only been back in for a little over a month and I’ve already had to speak to the assistant principal, a guidance counselor, his teacher, his bus driver..etc. I had to pick my son up early from school because of his behavior. I have to take him to school and pick him up because he is about to be kicked off of the bus. He’s only 6 years old and in 1st grade. He can control some behavior but his energy is boiling over from the moment his eye open up in the morning. Every person I talk to seems to think I’m inadequate as a parent as well, including my husband. He says he doesn’t think that, but when I try to vent to him he just blows up and says “well if you’d just..blah blah blah..different every time.”
    So I feel like I’m going through the motions every day. I isolate myself from everyone and sleep as much as I can. I know what I am doing is not helping but I don’t have the drive to fix it. I even know plenty of suggestions that I would gladly give someone else in the same state of mind.
    I start projects that I am happy while I am working on.
    Then my adhd inattentive type kicks in and I’ve got a huge mess of possible project materials and ideas. I will suddenly feel overwhelmed and walk away from it.
    I dont know what I was hoping to accomplish by posting this but I do feel like I’ve found a missing piece to my puzzle at least. I’m pretty sure my depression started because of my feelings of failing my son after all of talks with his school staff.

    Sorry about the lengthy comment and mostly jibber jabber.

    Your article really was amazing and I thank you for posting it 🙂

  • Sandy September 27, 2013, 8:07 am

    This is me. I get up every morning, go to work, get home eat dinner, go running, go to bed and get up and do it all over again the next day. Once I loved to read, write(fiction/non-fiction/songs/poetry), draw, paint, sing…then had to start taking care of family, quit college to work more, had to get a second job to recover from a divorce and still be able to help family…depriving myself of expression became a self-punishment for my failures of never having enough in me to help everyone I needed to, now here I am…I no longer take care of my dad (lost battle with cancer) no longer have to help support my mom, she moved in with my brother…don’t get to see the nieces I helped raise, never had children of my own, have no college degree to get a rewarding job, can’t afford to go back to school now, so I’m stuck working in clerical because it was the best I could get, I hate it, I’m 29 and feel like my only purpose was to help my family while I did, gave my nieces a better childhood than I had and gave my dad comfort at the end of his life, and now there’s no reason for me to be here anymore, I spent so much time making others happy I lost any sense of self or identity as an individual, I don’t know my favorite food, color, song, style (how do you rediscover joy when you don’t know what you enjoy anymore?)…it’s like I became nothing but an accessory to those I lived for, that now has been tossed from the wardrobe? I just feel pointless, empty and tired

    • Lisa April 27, 2015, 5:57 pm

      I just came across this article and read this comment and it is entirely me. I’ve been putting everyone else first since I was 12. I’m now in a good place re: relationship, family etc, but I don’t know what i want. i don’t know what I like. I have had a couple of major incapacitating depressions but hte focus always seems to be to get back to being functional rather than fixing myself. So I function with walking depression until I can’t function any more.

  • Hottie September 29, 2013, 6:26 pm

    Hi, thank you for the insightful article. I’ve been working for a few years and quit my job in april to concentrate in what I really want to do instead of a boring office job and also because I was treated poorly by my colleagues but my boss was supportive and wanted me to stay. I got to say that this depression I’m having for the most part of my life is really taking a toll in me…I feel so mentally drained out and I get easily worked out, it shows all on my face even if I try to hard. I grew up with a schizophrenic brother…and it wasn’t the best childhood I had, I was bullied all the way till my working life and was called an ugly ducking so I didn’t really grew up with much confidence and a healthy self esteem, I was picked and I am really sensitive to criticism, I’ve been trying to work on the whole self-esteem thing. I have tons of friends and stuff and lost quite a few for whatever reasons, I give the first impression to people that I’m fun to be around and creative, but I get damn moody and blur at times and make careless mistakes and try to bounce back to being happy again, sometimes I find myself lost in thoughts, I get very nervous around people sometimes and I think they are going to hurt me but snap out of it by changing the way I feel as soon as I recognize that nervous feeling…I have been suicidal too and stuff..stupid things like that, it’s really quite bad, I feel that my state of mind is quite fucked up which sort of makes me artistic. I was diagnosed with biopolar spectrum and ADD at the same time. I really don’t understand about this whole brain chemical thing but I think it got altered from life experience and my thoughts and beliefs, I also think it was because I didn’t have much self esteem to cope with the real world and it made me feel worse, and I try to be really smart and read all the books I could but I do end up feeling all sorts of things and making really bad choices and my emotions and feelings that’s hard to control and people find me really weird and hard to crack up sometimes, I get those remarks and it doesn’t make me feel good so I tried to change, secondly, I do empathize a lot with others whom are experiencing the same things, I am aware that there are others whom are suffering from starvation and all these sort of things. I try to keep myself busy but my mind is like filled with junk, I find myself really easily distracted, probably a symptoms of ADD (somehow I read an article that ADHD/ADD is not a real mental disorder and it’s all fabricated, it made me skeptical about my diagnose) I don’t know, there’s lots of factors and the symptoms seemed so real, I would say our society doesn’t really emphasize with those whom are clinically depressed, I often get – you are not depressed! You should just stop putting up with a black face and people will like you better and stuff, I get really upset when I feel blamed from being this way or depressed or whatever. I’m one of those who works and when I find myself depressed and lying in bed I will get up and do stuff but only getting really messy and distracted about what I’m doing and feeling like shit all over again.

  • Marky J September 30, 2013, 10:17 am

    Thanks for this Alison. After realizing this, I never realized that I had ‘walking depression’. I kept thinking that the day would get better and maybe it was some temporary symptom. It has affected me a lot, losing sleep, losing friends, not caring for my relationship. Although I was a different person before my relationship. I used to be a popular guy amongst my colleagues and friends, but a sudden change of mentality happened as well as physically.

    I am trying to change as a person for the sake of becoming better. I’ve been put on anxiety pills but last night I’ve had a very bad panic attack/anxiety attack which prevented me from sleeping. I’ve been drinking a lot more coffee lately due to the lack of sleep, and I feel tired mentaly and physically.

    I know I shouldn’t point fingers at my girlfriend for being unhappy. But I feel like this relationship is crumbling which makes me even more sad at the fact. I am not really sure what to do as even the thought of being alone, paying extremely high rent is stressfull and does take a toll on me. I wish I could have more positive feelings but I feel very negative towards myself.

    I will take a look at your suggestions. I am just happy that I managed to land on this page as it gives me hope.

    Thanks so much Alison! I hope we can keep in touch.

  • Nacho October 2, 2013, 10:13 am

    my god… that stuff is all true. I figured it was just me being stupid and overreacting. I didnt want to admit that i was depressed. i didnt want to ask for help because i thought people would look down on me. I even look down at myself because i know there are people out there with real struggle but they can still find something to be happy about. But i guess i have been trying to be too strong for too long. it all makes sense.

  • Kevin October 2, 2013, 8:45 pm

    I have always known that I was depressed, Been one of these walking depressionists for around 15 years now. The sign “You feel like you’re wasting your life” really hits home, it is something that I feel everyday. I have not disclosed the fact that I am depressed to anyone, for the sole reason that this is my problem and that I will deal with it myself.

  • Jeri Shermaine October 3, 2013, 5:42 pm

    I seriously want to die.

    • Alison October 4, 2013, 12:09 pm

      Jeri, please contact a suicide hotline or doctor or go to an emergency room ASAP. Help is available.

  • whydoihavetogiveaname October 3, 2013, 9:32 pm

    Gosh this is so easy to relate to, sadly.

  • Anonimouse October 4, 2013, 6:05 pm

    What a fantastic article. It’s not often someone makes complete sense of something so individual. Depression, indeed mental illness, is so individual to the person suffering from it that it is hard to reach out.

    My whole life I have been wrong. Abuse. Chronic depressive, borderline personality disorder. I have been assigned all of those labels variously. Yeah, my upbringing was not right (nothing sexual, thank goodness), but ultimately it is brain chemistry, I am blessed with loving, although fucked up, parents.

    At the end of the day creativity is the keyword. I can be buzzing – all you fuck ups know me when I say this- and drawing or painting it out can fix me. A huge part of depression is losing. Losing yourself, losing others. Does it feel as though you don’t exist? If you don’t exist, how can they?

    You are just a little lost. Temporarily. Breathe. Survive. LIVE.

    I wish I could hug you, because it is going to be okay.

  • jenny October 5, 2013, 12:30 pm

    i just cant take it any more nearly a year ago was when i last tried to kill myself and was hospitalised for 3 days now i feel like im back in that place there just doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. me and some some friends made plans weeks ago for last night but then she said she had d of e this weekend and would be too tired when really her and my other best friend went to a party i feel so betrayed and unwanted i just dont know what to do now as they know i know and i can’t face the pity in their eyes im obviously no fun to be around but i dont know how to change that.

  • Michelle October 13, 2013, 8:16 am

    Hi,
    Until I read this I didn’t think I was depressed. My doctor told me I had PMDD. She treated me with all kinds of anti depresents. Which made me feel worse. I went to her because I was tiered of being unhappy all the time. It’s been years that I could actually say I smiled because I felt truly happy and just not putting on a show. I feel like I’ve lost myself forever ago. I’m stuck and can’t get out of it.I’ve stop seeing the doctor. She wasn’t helping anyway. The last time I was there she asked me what I wanted to do because she was clueless. I Keep telling myself that I’m not depressed. I’m just so angry at everything all the time.I just want to stop and I don’t know how! I get up early every morning and go to work. I come home clean do wash go to my moms and do her wash take out her trash. I feel hate just like you said on here. I shouldn’t but I do. I’m married and I don’t even want to be touched by my husband any more. I get so frustrated and treat him bad. I don’t mean to but I do it like I have no control of it at all. What am I supposed to do. How can I control this? Where do I turn??

  • Jode October 14, 2013, 4:28 am

    Hi

    I don’t know if I’m depressed or not, I’m 23 my mum an dad are away and my brother has just told me that his been self harming and suicidle on the surface I am putting on a brave face but inside I’m falling apart, my parents are back an they have since found out and they have decided we should move away, which again I have put on a brave face, but I’m destroyed as I’m leaving everything and it’s just running away.
    Putting a smile on is much better than keep crying but I can’t take the smiles anymore, I don’t know where to turn?

    • Alison October 15, 2013, 12:32 pm

      Hi Jode, It certainly sounds like you’re in a stressful situation that’s really getting you down. I hope you can find someone to help. I’d see if there was a mental health society in your area, or call a support hotline to get some ideas for where you can turn. Good luck.

  • Dave G October 16, 2013, 11:19 am

    This is pretty much how I feel I just keep going with the day to day rubbish I have a boring job the people I work with are horrible I have no interest in anything I try to change my life but it only lasts a few days and I end up giving up going back the same old crap

    • RS November 12, 2013, 11:45 am

      just perfectly said. nothing to look forward to despite 2 beatiful children to come home to everyday who love me dearly. so jealous of people who actually seem positive. what for. why are we poisoned with this madness. the only consulation is that it is out of our control. like that helps.

  • Sarah October 17, 2013, 10:40 pm

    This is me.

  • becca October 22, 2013, 11:19 am

    I feel like I was in a walking depression for years. I was in a bad relationship that ended abruptly, and my ex died less than a year after we split. The cause of death was suspicious, and there is a good possibility it was suicide. I’ll never know why he died. I just kept going, I was in a job with hateful coworkers that would belittle my ideas and top it off with a 2 hour lunch, pushing mine back to 3pm sometimes. I found a higher paying job in the city, but started drinking too heavily and lost 20 pounds bringing me to a whopping 95 on the scale. I was going crazy. I quit that job without finding another one first, hoping for a position at my old job which would be opening up in a few weeks. Now its been a month, they told me last week to “keep holding on”, but I’m afraid since I left my last job so suddenly, I can’t get hired for this one. I feel like I keep ruining my life over and over. I’m going to be that person who live with their parents and works a minimum wage job. I think I’d rather kill myself. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m taking classes trying to finish my bachelors so I can be more marketable, but it feels really pointless sometimes. Work hard to get another job I hate. I can’t be creative any more. I feel like when I draw, it’s not good enough. Just like me.

  • Jess October 25, 2013, 6:49 am

    Wow after reading this article I feel slightly better knowing that I’m not crazy for feeling this way but that this is a legit way to feel. I recently had to move from San Fransisco where I had been going to school for four years (I’m Canadian and my visa ended so I had to leave). I made a beautiful life there, there was so much art and music (I’m an animator, and a painter), and I can honestly say I was never happier. Then I was forced to leave because I couldn’t get a visa again for a job….I had to leave my boyfriend of 2 years now, my friends again (I should tell you I’ved a lot in my life, maybe trying to prove tomyself that I’m brave, I move to Toronto when Ias 16 on my own and at 20 i moved toCalifornia. I am only 25 now). I now live in Calgary, and this article describes how I feel so completely. It’s just…I feel silly, because I’m so young, and I have the support of everyone and my boyfriend is still with me long distance and he tells me he loves me every day, yet I feel so alone. Especially thinking he’ll leave me soon. I…Im so sad, I can’t be motivated, I feel so much like a failure for not being able to get a job in animation yet, just..a huge failure and everything in this article was spot on. I’m scared, but I know I have to make a change. I’ll read your other articles, hope to find an answer. Keep being wonderful, all the best, Jess.

  • DB October 26, 2013, 7:03 pm

    Holy crap. This is me. I’m a senior in high school and have felt this way for the last two years, interspersed with anxiety attacks. I don’t know how I’m going to get thru this year.

  • micah October 26, 2013, 9:29 pm

    I am in my 40s, and I have started to realize recently that I have probably been depressed all my life and I have no idea how to change it, since I have no energy or interest in anything. But I am too much of a narcissist to kill myself. So no danger there.

  • Janine October 30, 2013, 6:41 pm

    I am just having a wee cry, but, this is me 110%.

    I am 34, still living at home, long term unemployed with a MSc as my highest grade and yesterday was my lowest. I am at the point I am starting to comfort eat and wondering if I will et out of this mess and I have had a history through my life about anxiety – struggling with it big time.

    It is a relief I am not alone in thinking this. I don’t drink, smoke, or take drugs. I largely detox to get the chemical crap out of my system (I am particular with toiletries not having substances in them). One of the joys of being a chemist, there have been times I wished I have used the knowledge to do away with myself as I am that miserable.

  • BFJ October 31, 2013, 3:35 pm

    Okay so this looks like its all women and writers. I’m a man and a musician. This is me too – I recently got laid off, I would say in no small part to my inability to hide this type of depression any longer. So I got some money and had a few months off where I took care of myself and started to make more music. Quickly I got healthier and happier. So happy in fact that I finally was motivated to go back to work (and I get to work in music) and as a happy again man it was easy to nail the interview and really impress everyone with my talent and experience. So here I am about six weeks into work and it sucks, not the work so much, not the people so much, more the process, the total lack of self realization and fulfillment that is in everyone’s eyes. The overwhelming sense that, even though there are good days and some laughs, ultimately everyone is just doing their time in this minimum security prison called life. I’d almost rather to be unemployed living on the street then living in this pathetic world of pretend purpose and arrogant people of illegitimate power. I read many of you say “yeah that’s me” but I have to say I don’t feel one bit better knowing there are a bunch of people going through it. We are going through this because humans have built this existence into a virtual prison where you spend most of your life miserable for a few happy years at the end. Is it really depression? How could I feel great after 6 weeks of getting to live life the way I want and sick and horrible after 6 weeks of the pointless grind. I’m wishing I was born 300 years ago as a native american living a spiritual life off the land where at least I could risk life to survive while feeling alive every moment. In this world we’ve built, I’m dead every moment, with no risk to my life but no desire to survive. Am I really sick and depressed or does this life, that the masses of half-wits have created to imprison us, just suck?
    So the real question is what are we all doing about it for real. Am I to believe that playing my guitar for an hour a day will make it all better? (It does make it better for that hour). Again what are we doing about it? Where are the communities of artists that are forming to live cooperatively and revolt against this world of mass material consumption and self-centered pretense?
    Supposedly we are all searching for a life of purpose. Well here’s the purpose – to say no to the politician and corporation and a form of community of people who want change. Not the 99% of wall street who really just want what they think the 1% has. The millions of us who want a happy world and life. So, can anyone give me and idea of what to do, what action to take, what has truly work to change your life rather than just make you better at tolerating it?

  • VPowell November 5, 2013, 6:25 am

    I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m sad every day. After reading this post it makes sense. Yes I’ll have better days than others, but lately, I just feel so listless. I haven’t done work in class in weeks, I hate my internship and can’t leave it, everyone has such high expectations for me and I just feel like a burnt out star that’s plummeting towards the ground. I have a person to cuddle up to, I sit with friends at meals, but I also feel like no one is my friend. I snark at people way more than I used to, but I feel like they’re being meaner. The things they’ll say about me are really getting to me and it doesn’t matter how many times I’m told “Don’t let it get to you”. …If it was that easy, I wouldn’t have a problem. But I put up with it all. I smile, talk, nod, let them hug me, do what they feel they have to. But most of the time, like today, I’m sitting in front of a computer, looking up why I’m so sad, because I don’t want to do anything except sleep and never wake up. My dreams are great and I feel the happiest when I think about them. If I could dream forever I think I’d be alright, but I know I can’t. And I wake up every morning and want to cry.

    After reading this article, I can define what one of my problems is. And now that I know, I can work on trying to fix it. It may take a while, but with a term to refer to, it makes me feel a little better knowing that I can always go back to that spot and think.

  • Samuel November 5, 2013, 3:17 pm

    You hit-on a statement I have been too embarrassed to say in public. The one in your article: “You have simmering resentment toward the people you’re helping”. I have felt this so intensely at my job. Not that I dislike any of the people themselves, but it is this untargeted annoyance. I feel like a rotten person feeling this way, but the resentment is way intense.

  • Sherri Schittenhelm November 6, 2013, 6:52 am

    This is the second time that I have found your post, when surfing the web for info to help me overcome the depression that I have.
    Your words and information are comforting, when I need the support, even from someone who doesn’t know me, but understands in some way how I feel.
    Thank you & God Bless.

    Sherri

  • Sue November 8, 2013, 9:50 am

    I don’t know how to feel happy. I can’t function anymore and spend my days laying in bed. Does it stop? How do I fix myself?

  • James November 9, 2013, 1:59 pm

    Yeah this all rings a bell. I plod on but get no joy from anything despite having the proverbial wife and 2 kids who are great and seem to find happiness in normal activities. I don’t want to go on holiday,I dont want to do anything really just be on my own. My only respite is work and sleep and I definitely like the end of the day much more than the start. I sometimes drive about at night after work,late on and visit my brothers grave and go to places important to me when I grew up.i know where this will end

  • Lilo November 10, 2013, 1:25 pm

    Im in bed/indoor, hiding from the rest, for a straight week now.. The typical signs apply to me. Oh, and wine makes me happy. I really need help but i dont know who to turn to. My friends dont get me and i avoid gatherings as much as possible. I say mean things about myself, to myself and because of stress ive also developed trichotillomania, which left me with a bald spot on my already short hair that also gave me a low selfesteam. I tend to shave it all off because of it, but each time it grows back i start pulling again. I go nowhere without a hat to hide it. And to top if off im in dept plus unemployed. Cant find a job. Im a mess, heartbroken and im lost.

  • sandy November 13, 2013, 10:18 pm

    After reading this article I felt I am not the only person who is suffering from depression. I have been suffering from depression from 8 years, I didn’t know whats happening with me, my studies were hit, I was not able to get good univ, I lost many friends and didn’t make any new friends. At last from Gods grace I went to a therapist, who said, I am suffering from depression, after that I felt I could figure out whats happening with me, I am glad that I am improving slowly…

  • Anonymous and Sad November 16, 2013, 9:08 am

    So much of this article sounds like me. I am in such a “perfectly” hopeless situation on top of everything. It’s so bad I am all talked out because there are no answers. I am a little different (maybe) in that I have a situational concept to this. My doctor really can’t help me anymore. SSRIs only do so much. I have backed off from friends because of their while not intentional but indifference at times. I have one friend who actually says “you have been telling me this for over 20 years”. So talking about it doesn’t help. I am one for answers and solutions. There are none in my case. I am sick of beating a dead horse. So I have no active friends.

    I am now 56, my daughter is off on her own with 3 children and going through her own trials. She has been keeping distance from me for almost a year and a half. I have had the most profound loneliness this past year and a half from her doing this. My daughter and grandchildren were all I have. I do see the youngest one who is 5 on a weekly basis but that will change when she gets older. But during the week no phone calls and coming home to an empty apt takes it’s toll. I work full time. I drag myself to work chasing 3 buses every morning. While I like my job, I find myself staring at my computer and feeling so fatigued that I can’t keep my eyes open. In all this I have a marked frown and songs of long ago are echoing in my mind and stabbing my brain and my heart. I can’t listen to my favorite music anymore because I long for my younger days when things made more sense. I am scared of growing old alone which is what is happening.

    I have not been with a man since 1986 when I left my abusive husband. That alone makes me bitter. I can’t go into all the particulars on that one. But that is the crux of the depression I have suffered. I feel my life is wasted and I am facing end of life like this. I have spoken to friends, family and my doctor and none either didn’t care or didn’t understand. I get this from my doctor “go to an online dating service”, my sister says “men are all perverted anyway, and I don’t need it” (yet she has always had someone, she is just taking a break), my friends act like “so what’s the point?” and they like their life being alone. And I am existing and there is no joy in life. My faith is shattered.

    I raised my daughter alone throughout almost and she was all I had. She has had to deal with my depression and is sick of it. And that was the last bit of communication with anyone that I lost. Nothing is fun. Going to the beach used to make me happy. Going to Disneyland is a drag to me. I don’t go anywhere other than work and home. When things escalate at times I do self harm. My doctor doesn’t understand why I have done this so I quit mentioning it to him.

    This is ironic because I am sick of this “dead horse” and I am posting a message. My days are filled with major regrets and haunting memories that should be pleasant memories but hurt because they are long gone. I miss my mother who passed away in 1998. We were never close but losing your parent is a tough one. My stepfather passed way a few months ago. While he was abusive he was the only father figure I knew and though we hadn’t stayed in touch, I was totally crushed just the same. I have never been anyone’s little girl but now I am definitely nobody’s daughter. I need a mommy to take care of me and tell me it’s going to be ok and nobody can do that for me. Not my friends, family or doctor.

    Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me from pulling the plug is my youngest grand daughter who wouldn’t understand if I did something like that. So I keep going on on automatic. Sleep used to be my only out. But sleep is not good because of sad dreams.

    I am 56 and not a trace of me is left from what I was. I hate the me I am now. I regret choices that put me where I am today and I can’t go back and fix it and it’s too late to move on. There is a lot I can’t mention. But there is so much to this and there are no answers. I like to solve things. Which is why I do jigsaw puzzles. But now they don’t interest me, I don’t read books anymore. Nothing interests me anymore.

    • Chris August 21, 2019, 4:45 am

      Hello Anonymous and Sad,
      I have similar circumstances to you and totally understand what your going through. I was crying the other day wanting my old self back and your right you can’t get it back. The most profound thing I read today helped somewhat. Came from the famous internet guru Jay Shetty. You only get angry if you allow them and then they control you. They can make you angry when they want. Then I clicked and said to self, No way that is happening again he is right. So by not letting things affect you helps to a better day. As I have a daughter who has distanced herself to me because I have issues with my gay brother and he is her favourite uncle. So there is my dilemma with my daughter. I say to her as she went to catholic school. Even god forgives your sins, why don’t you forgive. So maybe you could say the same to your daughter. Your thoughts on why you need to keep going is for your young granddaughter, absolutely yes. That worked for me with my daughter when I got divorced, I won’t say detail’s but was married to a narcistic woman and that screwed me up heaps. So you don’t need to be physically beaten to get abused. I see your self harm as something from your ex’s abuse and all I can say to that is I am sorry for you. I guess same as me you don’t get an apology sorry I stuffed up or was in a bad place. I believe you don’t get closure from the relationship and the bad things haunt you. Now Jay Shetty said, yes again as he is the man. If you don’t release your past, it spoils your future. One thing I will leave you with. You need to believe in yourself again and stop the self harm. I don’t know you but I can hear your pain when I read it and I will ask you to stop and say screw your ex, he is the one that should be flogged and shamed. If you give in they have beaten us. Head up,chin out, onwards and upwards or we may as well be laying down. As I write to you I am talking to self to do all mentioned in my life and Jay Jetty can be an idealist at times, he is also switched on and drags me out of the dumps at times. Take care Anonymous and Sad, there is someone reaching out to you that cares.

  • Marly November 22, 2013, 10:59 pm

    I hate that I’m here at 2am wondering yet again why I can’t just be happy. I have no reason not to be. I’m 21, engaged, and have a job. I’m doing better than most but I’m just… Low. All the time. I work my 80 hours a week to keep us afloat so he can finish college and give us a better life. I clean the house, I cook, I try to keep up with my family. But it’s getting so heavy. I’m tired of working, working, working until everything hurts and I can’t even convince myself to drive home. I’m tired of laying in bed for hours listening to my fiancée sleep and trying not to cry so I don’t wake him up. I love him and want him to be happy but I know he knows I’m not happy and that hurts him too. I can’t even look my mother in the eye to tell her the lie that I’m ok, just tired, anymore. Therapy didn’t help much and the drugs only propped me up for a while. What is wrong with me?

  • Finn November 23, 2013, 1:55 am

    I get all of these, except the “I don’t have something to look forward to”

    I have plenty of things to look forward too, but I still feel unhappy.

  • Aric Herweck November 24, 2013, 2:11 pm

    I woke up this morning… And i finally realized i have been depressed for years. This is so hard to admit because I’m 21 years young and most people who look at me would never guess what I’m going through. I am above average when it comes to looks and have been praised through my lifetime for my logic and intelligence. But why am i so unhappy? Why must i turn to alcohol and substance abuse (marijuana) just to feel happy or simply numb? Why do i feel like the world keeps going but I’m useless and staying still? Why do i refer to myself with negative self talk? Why have i never had confidence despite my gifts? Although people have always accepted me, i have always felt awkward or uncomfortable. I don’t feel like i mesh with people in this day and age. Maybe i have too much free time. Maybe I’m a slave to money and i resent it. I have no idea why I’m this depressed. But even though i feel alone, I’m determined to fix this issue. By the time i lay down for eternal rest, i want to be truly happy. Content with myself and the world I’ve lived in.

  • Sherry November 27, 2013, 11:46 am

    My mother didn’t love me and my father was not a part of my life I feel broken.So my life now is pretty good but guess what it doesn’t matter.I chug on everyday to keep everyone else happy but Im just waiting to die one day.Hey don’t worry I won’t kill myself to much to do.To many people counting on me.

  • Daniel November 29, 2013, 5:23 am

    This article is implying that people who are disabled by their depression are weak. This is false and perpetuates the stigma that people with mental illness are just lazy whereas others can go on with their lives dispute being unhappy.

    People with severe depression who are disabled by their illness don’t want to be depressed – no one does. They can’t chose to carry on with their lives; it’s as hard as it would be to climb mt. Everest.

    What you are describing is a low grade depression called Dysthymia, which is a real diagnosis in DSM 4 and 5 but not as disabling as major depression. So stop calling it depression to make it sound like you’re stronger than others who have it – because you either don’t or you have dysthymia.

    • Alison December 23, 2013, 1:43 pm

      Daniel, as I wrote to an earlier commenter, I don’t mean to imply that powering through depression is somehow superior to being laid low, or that one person’s experience is worse. Both are awful; different people just have different responses. And their physiology and the severity of the depression are factors too. I certainly don’t believe that people who are more disabled by depression are lazy or choosing to give up.

      You mention dysthymia, a chronic form of depression lasting at least two years, which is no longer recognized in the DSM-5 listing of mental disorders. Wikipedia says, “In this edition, dysthymia is replaced by persistent depressive disorder. This new condition includes both chronic major depressive disorder and the previous dysthymic disorder. The reason for this change is that there was no evidence for meaningful differences between these two conditions.”

      I think you can see from the comments here that many many people don’t realize they’re experiencing low-grade clinical depression or persistent depressive disorder because it doesn’t look like severe clinical depression. Anyone who thinks they have depression, whatever the severity, should see a doctor.

  • Kel December 1, 2013, 1:33 pm

    I sat at my computer today working on a nonprofit project – I do dozens a year to help fulfill my “creative side” … my life has been tormented w/ pain this year – I’ve had several surgeries and no answer to the pain in sight … I often wonder if it’s in my head – I carry so much burden and feel as though I’m an empath for those around me – that their pain is more important than my own … as I worked on this project today I stopped and began to sob – uncontrollably so – I want my fun life back – I want to reconnect w/ my spouse to find value in friendships … to feel motivated to shower each day (sniff) … I searched for “sad and unable to move on – wishing to be no more” – and it brought me to your page … thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one – though I know this it is still good to read and see others accompany this path … I see my Dr tomorrow ~ Thank you.

  • Shaylin December 1, 2013, 4:26 pm

    I feel… Unhappy… But I don’t know if I’m depressed. I mean, I’m definitely beyond sadness, but am I really depressed? I’m 12, see, so I think Im too young for depression, but my mom died of cancer not too long ago and I can’t shake the lost feeling. I haven’t told anyone my feelings or that I might be depressed yet, and I don’t know if I should. Nobody knows I am depressed, I think. I just kind of suffer in silence, I guess. Am I depressed? Yes? No? Maybe? People have noticed a change in me after mom’s death, but… Did I really change? I don’t know what to do!!

    • Alex December 2, 2013, 2:58 am

      Shaylin:

      My mom died of cancer when I was 16. I’m now 27. The sense of profound loss still clings to me to this day, though it ebbs and flows as time marches ever on and distractions pop in and out of my life. I have only realized this year that I’m probably depressed. A lot of these feelings and pathways have their roots in my mom’s death, which is only something I’m realizing a decade after the fact. My dad never dealt with it in a meaningful or constructive manner and my siblings are just as much – if not moreso – affected by the results as I have been.

      You may not be truly depressed right now; indeed, you may be in bereavement still and the grief is yet fresh enough that it may be the sole or major cause of your mental state as it exists right now. But, I implore you: don’t drag your feet on this. If it isn’t depression yet, it very well may be down the line. Reach out and talk to someone – a friend, a family member, a teacher – someone who you can trust. Don’t let it fester like I did.

      -Alex

  • JoMarie December 6, 2013, 9:19 pm

    This is me and I’ve known it forever. While I’ve done work to feel better and have had genuine periods of happiness, there is always that dark cloud that’s just been looming there since I was born. I was raised by loving parents, but I’ve always just been very aware of this ‘doom’ and feeling worthless. Now today at 39 it’s fairly normal to have days where I just sit in my office behind a closed door and cry while I Gchat with anyone who will listen as im desperately trying to connect. Other days ill just be dull and heavy. And most the time I’m filled with this anger of how i hate my job and life and feel like a failure and I now take it out on everyone around me. And sometimes blab my intense discontent for work with people at work and i know I shouldn’t!!

    I used to be fun, sweet and loving and now I’m just icky to be around; it’s embarrassing.

    I’m letting the cloud get closer and closer as I continue to plug plug plug away…fake life and moan to myself about all the little crap things I have to do just to get out of the house and I think to myself ‘why? What’s the point?’

    BUT here’s the thing that gets me. Maybe this is just life? We are all unhappy robots just doing what we have to so we don’t wind up like the homeless men and women I see daily on the subway platforms. Normal is depression likely. Who says happiness is normal?

    Another theory is that i wonder if there are really souls from past lives, am I living out the personal hell of being something evil in a past life? Like I said this sadness has been there since as far back as I remember yet my childhood was picture perfect for the most part. My parents are still together and my biggest fans, (which is crushing).

    My dad is so proud of me to the point he’ll cry and it breaks my heart because he has no idea how deeply depressed I am… How much I loathe this daily BS and how I am beginning to really hate myself for being a coward for dumping my artistic dreams in favor of a salary and health benefits I.e. the ‘easier’ life but hello epiphany, it’s actually harder! I just get to eat whatever I want without the worry of the financial implications….but my life is heartbreaking for my existence. I’m a failure and gross.

    I used to drink DAILY for years. I quit 4 years ago to change, to love myself, but it’s not really worked out too well. i still feel crappy, so I’m starting to contemplate some wine soon again….

    The worse part is how guilty I feel for being SO pathetic. And being a burden to friends who are tired of hearing it. I’m driving people away and I don’t blame them for running. I wish so bad I could run from ALL THE TIME!

    And alas I turn 40 in April and I’m starting to feel so sad that I have no babies and no potential suitors. I’m not ugly and people think I’m in my late 20s so I think hey I have that going for me, but I know this ugly feeling on the inside makes me unattractive and who’d want to date that?

    I really think I need to leave NYC immediately if I want happiness and a husband and a baby, but then I remember that phrase “wherever you go, there you are.”

    • Kyle` May 17, 2016, 3:01 am

      Wow…. “Another theory is that i wonder if there are really souls from past lives, am I living out the personal hell of being something evil in a past life”…. I thought I was the only one that thought this.

      Hope you are feeling better

  • tree December 7, 2013, 10:42 am

    im tired of life …everything do falls apart…i cant take any more ivve had a ruff 3 years and as soon as it seems my rollercoaster in the dark will end ..it doesnt t stops then starts all over agin 29 and misserable i work everday to pay the bills and stick a fake smile on my face that doesnt even make it beliveable anymore i havei fake unbelivable smile that doest hide how i eel any more im tired of it all

  • Matt December 8, 2013, 9:13 am

    I’m a 42 year old male with four children who’s wife left me years ago because she thought she got married to young. I was so full of life back then. Now 15 years later remarried and have everything but am so empty inside. The depression runs my life. I thought with time everything would heal but it just gets put in a box. I feel more depressed today then I did when my wife left me for know reason to this day. I am and was a living dad that loved being with family and kids. The feelings of not being there every second with my children is killing me. The weekend dad sucks, it’s just not the same. My kids are all grown up now but, I feel like I don’t even know them. I do call and see them but the connection just is not there. I find myself constantly moving and buying new cars or things to feel good, but it wears off after a little while. I find it hard now to make friends and just want to be alone most of the time. I have developed over eating habits and no interests in work or play. Don’t even look forward to the weekend anymore. Dead inside

  • LLP December 10, 2013, 12:08 pm

    Wow!

    I am a creative(performer), and I have been trying to figure out why I can’t seem to get my life and myself to feel good. I am able to leave my feelings in the wings and get on with my job, which sometimes is the only thing that grants me the happiness I need. Or put on a smile for the camera. I have done this for almost 8 years.

    I have had no idea what to do about my state. I feel a lack in productivity and sometimes feel better when I smoke marijuana or drink. Truth is, once I get on that path, I can’t find my way back. I will smoke and drink the little money I make. Since I got married about a couple of months ago, I give my wife whatever money she thinks we need and intoxicate myself with the rest. I do this so I can feel inspired and motivated, or to forget, but when I’m sober; I’m back in this dark hole I can’t seem to get out of!

    There is a light coming from somewhere in the whole, a tiny glimmer of light, which gives me hope. I know I am capable of doing so much more and add value to my life and other people’s lives. I just can’t get myself to do any of what I feel I should do to be the man I have always felt I am. I have dreams and hopes for myself and my beautiful wife. I just don’t know how to BE for us. I can’t even structure my thoughts sometimes.

    I have loads of ideas and stories I want to write, but when I have that pen in my hand, I am reduced to nothing. I feel empty. This hurts because I sometimes feel I am losing the love that defines me. My creativity. Who am I if I can’t express myself the way I love and the way that makes me feel alive?

    Lately I feel like disappearing without anyone noticing… Just vanishing from the world. No loss to anyone. No pain to my family. Just vanish, like I never even existed. There are times I even hate looking at myself in the mirror.

    There are so many things I feel! I am losing friends because I don’t want to see them or take their calls. My feel further and further from my family because I hate talking to them. But, just like you say, Alison; when I have to face the world I do so with a smile. How painful it is to be what you don’t feel…

    I don’t know where or how to start looking for help in Johannesburg.

    But, maybe one day I will rise above and be what I am meant to be. Walk with my head held high. Speak up when spoken to. Be nicer to the people who love me. Be a voice people want to listen to. Be respected, and not feel so pathetic and sorry for myself all the bloody time! I could go on… Hark! ‘Tis but all I shall utter in this moment…:-) Help me, if you can.

    L

  • Sandra December 10, 2013, 8:26 pm

    This describes me. I haven’t been able to enjoy any of the fun festivities I’ve taken part in. I’m not even excited about the amazing guy I am dating. I don’t feel happy and I feel overwhelmed. Feeling lost.

  • melanie December 12, 2013, 3:21 am

    It is nice to know i am not alone is this. & others have come through worse. I just want it all to clear and to be happy & feel healthy again. The hardest thing is i know i am not riding my motorbike, not enjoying folk around me, not doing my artwork ; all sounds so simple to fix & just do; but just getting on with the basic’s and making it throughout the day is tough. I almost physically find myself walking backwards from things that used to make me happy at the moment, kind of like a fear. My daughter is in a bad relationship & in care with teenage depression issues. My father is elderly and I am the only one ( feels like the one they all hate) trying to keep it all together ; my daughter no longer wants to see or connect with her brothers / home life she’s totally withdrawn into a concerning relationship with her b/f’s family. Which her career’s are trying to moderate, as it is not helping her depression at all & I should be upbeat to lift her on odd times i do see her, & do try to. However i am so worried & it makes me so sad. I am trying to find the good in everyday yet feeling wiped out & defeated from often the point of opening my eyes. yet having written this it appears to be nothing to how much worse it could be . It sounds so silly.

  • Gemma Fletcher December 12, 2013, 10:50 am

    Yep I feel exactly like this at the moment and can see no light at the end of the tunnel.Im 24, a mother to two boys 6 and 3.Every day is the same look after them, see to there every need then finally flop in to bed without even taking my makeup off sometimes or clothes a few times.im just that exhausted.I would hate to come across as a person who doesnt value their children because i love my kids to bits, but I feel I shouldnt be looking after anyone I can barely look after myself. I am a mess, ive been through a lot.Domestic violence playing a big part and getting addicted to codeine as a way to block all the pain of everything that went on.I nearly had my children taken off me through that monster.Thankfully they are okay, and happy as always but im not.im not coping.I only feel im alive to look after the kids.I never have a break no one (family) help me out.I feel like im a ticking timebomb waiting to explode.im sooo angry with everyone and everything, this isnt me at all.I was a very bubbly happy go lucky girl and I dont know where she has gone.I really dont

  • Broken December 13, 2013, 10:24 am

    I admit I have depression the whole thing is I am unable to get help. I have been a single mom for two months now, I have no car, I work from home, I have three boys all under four – none in school yet, and I am constantly stressed about finances, the kid’s behavior, cleaning, and everything else. I get horrible headaches every day and I just want some help. I have no support system, no one to watch the kids so I can go see a therapist or nothing. People always want to ask me for favors but no one is available to watch the kids for a few hours so I could get the help I so desperately need. I feel like a failure and I wonder what my purpose is on the earth daily. I cry most of the day and it is to the point where I cant even keep my eyes dry in front of the kids.

  • Cory December 13, 2013, 10:21 pm

    I don’t think therapy will help out my depression because my life has absolutely no meaning besides living for livings sake.

  • Cyndi December 14, 2013, 8:35 am

    Just stumbled onto this website after simply searching Google with “I am so depressed.” Walking depression . . . that is exactly what I feel. I have 5 daughters, 6 grandchildren, and wonderful husband. I love them all so very much . . . but I am not truly happy. I will be 60 next summer. Lost my mom and dad within the past two years. Never felt like I lived up to their expectations and there were issues that I was never able to tell my mother about until was elderly, and then everyone just ignored it. I changed careers . . . from a stress-filled but challenging professional job to a middle school math teacher (of course a stress-filled but challenging position as well) . . . at the age of 50. I keep looking for the next thing that will make me happy. I do everything I can for my family to make sure they will continue to love me, but it never seems enough. That is not something that my family says . . . it is how I feel. I become resentful because I don’t feel that anyone is grateful. I work in a school with a very needy population, where many families do not value education as a priority and respect is not necessarily taught in the home. I know I am reaching many students successfully, but the ones I am not reaching are really dragging me down. I drag myself out of bed in the morning, do everything I need to do through the day, and just count the hours until evening. I feel like I am wishing my life away. There is so much more to say . . . I don’t want to harm myself, but sometimes I wish I would just stay asleep forever. I want to live. No, I want to LIVE!

  • Kate December 15, 2013, 3:25 am

    I’m still a teenager, and I feel like admitting anything like this would mean I haven’t realised that hormones are also making me increasingly moody and sad. I love being creative, writing, making new strange wonderful pieces of art, but I feel like I have no support, that whenever I attempt to be creative my parents are just thinking ‘oh great, another piece of clutter in the making’, which isn’t true because I never get around to making anything most of the time. I feel like I have to keep bottling everything inside. I feel like I’m crumbling under the pressure of deciding how to possibly do anything with my life, how to get anywhere that I want to go without any support. My parents keep telling me that I have to pay my own way, so I spend every night thinking about how I’ll ever afford to go to university, and live somewhere, and pay for food, furniture. I feel like if I every get there that my life will finally start to have some meaning, but shouldn’t I feel my life has meaning now? Shouldn’t I look back on these teenage years and think about how great things were, not feel like they are just a series of necessary years of nothing to eventually get me somewhere that I may or may not even want to go?
    I don’t even understand how I can say or feel all this, I can’t help feeling guilty because there are so many more people in the world who are far worse off than me, who have an actual reason to cry.
    I don’t want to hurt myself. I love my family and I want to do something with my future. I know I do. I just can’t help feeling helpless at the thought of everything that I have to do alone.

  • DA December 15, 2013, 8:41 pm

    I seriously think most of us on here are Indigo children. Go ahead google it. You will be quite surprised. I’ve come to the realization that I must have landed here from some other dimension. I constantly feel out of place. It sounds crazy but this depression is no joke. It’s not our fault though. We have very little freedom to just be ourselves judgement free. Too many expectations to live up to. Our creative selves are suppressed not by us but we just have so much going on. I dropped a link for those interested. It gives me a small bit of peace, helps me understand a bit about what may be going on with me.

    http://indigolifecenter.wordpress.com/are-you-an-indigo-adult/

  • chris December 16, 2013, 3:19 pm

    This is me but I don’t know what to do about it.

    • philip January 10, 2014, 7:18 pm

      It depends, ride it out, surf it like a wave it will pass. I’m in and out of depressions all of the time. One week I’m good the next week I feel deathly. I do not see why we have to label it ‘depression’ from what I understand it’s normal and part of life as much as we don’t want to admit it. It is hard to see the light when you are lost in it, but you always come out of it right?

  • Andrea December 17, 2013, 11:45 am

    Holy cats. I’m a stay at home Mom with two sons. My husband works FT and goes to school to finish his degree. I have become SO angry at my kids and husband lately. I just googled anger and this article popped up.
    It describes me to a t.
    I have struggled with severe depression in the past and know that I do not have that.
    But this…
    Strong willed creative. I get it. 100%.

  • Maria December 17, 2013, 2:13 pm

    I have always been depressed everyday in my life! I have try to find some happiness and nothing really works for me. I always have problem with my family and boyfriend. Every time I had try to talk to them they would laugh at me and I can’t tell them anything. I always keep everything to myself without anyone know about this. They think I am fine which I am not! Sometimes I wish I had disappear and never come back. Only thing I have to write everything in the journals and it have helped me when I am available to write, when I am busy I can’t write my journal in front of anyone. I really like to write when I am alone without anyone is around! I don’t know what I should do. Depression is not good for me it made me really tired and shaking so much!

  • Megan December 17, 2013, 8:58 pm

    This is me in so many ways. But I just can’t break out of it. I can’t find a true source of meaning in my life. Every decisions and interaction is clouded by anxiety and fear, and its causing me to not want to exist… I’m scared to ask for help because I don’t want people to judge me harshly or not take me seriously, or that they won’t be able to help me. I’m scared of my own emotions. X'(

    • Leigh December 18, 2013, 6:21 pm

      Megan, you have described what I have been feeling for the past 5 years. I’m scared to ask for help but I have forced myself. All I was given was a prescription. I can’t afford therapy and I have no health insurance (up here in Canada our health care only cover certain things..I was told therapy was not one of them). Any time I have an “episode” I write every bit of feeling out, then I usually rip it up and throw it away. It’s so hard. I’m 25 and I have nothing in my future to look forward too.

  • Christian December 18, 2013, 9:30 pm

    I am 21 years old and i dont know what its like to be a normal person my age. After a messy divorce of my parents, a house fire, and my mother getting a brain tumor and having brain surgury has made me the man of the house at 18 years old. I started working full time while i was still in high school and continue to do so. Ive been working as a line cook. I feel like nothing i do is appreciated nothing i do is recognized. I have a manager that cant see good in anything i do and seems to hate my guts for an unknown reason. I have been nothing but respectful. On my current wages i can afford to pay my bills and thats it. No money to pay for car insurance so i dont drive which leads me to be even more reclusive. I feel stuck, like a failure and scared of what the future can hold. I dont have time to get into collage or a means to pay for it (no credit, no relatives willing to cosign a loan). My mother cant work at all anymore. My little brother who lives with us is working at the same place i am as a host/busboy making barely enough to give me 150 bucks a month towards bills. Noone seems to notice how i am feeling and this is my first time being open about my thoughts and its to a bunch of strangers i will never meet. I wont lie I have had thoughts of suicide but at the same time i think about the family i am leaving behind and what they would have to do and go through to continue making ends meet. But i still put on that same fake smile everyday and continue pushing through the seemingly endless depressing monotony called life. The only time i “feel happy” is when i am smoking weed or drinking. The reason i put that in quotes is because even while doing those things that people consider escapes i still have the same thoughts, stresses, and worries as before i just stop caring for a little while.

    I dont expect anyone to feel sympathy for me i just had to say something to someone. I dont care if anyone reads this as long as its been said. I could go on for days but ill stop here.

    • Lucy January 29, 2014, 6:03 am

      Dont know what to say but wish i could give you a hug and listen to you properly.
      Luce

  • Shanell December 18, 2013, 10:27 pm

    So Helpful. 🙂

  • Angel December 19, 2013, 9:49 am

    Today on google I typed in “I am extremely depressed” and all these sites popped up claiming that I’m bi-polar or i get depressed when it’s the winter. None of these seemed to fit quite right. Then I found this and it brought me to tears. This explained me to a T. I feel very unaccomplished in life and I am just so angry every day, but yet I have a baby that spend every waking moment tending for and a boyfriend that has a hard time showing any other emotion aside from anger. It’s nice to finally put a name to what I feel, but the world is so shallow now-a-days and the lack of compassion from others is mind blowing. But every day I just keep on keeping on while feeling horrible for doing it. I’m so thankful that I found this.

  • Alisha December 21, 2013, 12:30 am

    I want to just thank you for this. It has helped me figure out why I was like this but I have a question. Anyone can answer. Does feeling obligated to do everything anyone asks relate to walking depression? I want to thank anyone who helps me answer this.

    • Alison December 23, 2013, 1:29 pm

      Hi Alisha, Good question! I think this compulsion to do things for others is something that makes us more vulnerable to walking depression. If we’re doing it to fill a hole in ourselves, then it’s unsustainable in the long term and we burn out and can succumb to depression.

      I’ve also read that depression is a result of repressed anger. So if you’re feeling resentful about doing things for others and stuff that emotion down, it can backfire. That certainly happened to me.

      Does that answer the question?

      I’m glad the article was helpful to you and I’m glad you commented too. Take good care of yourself!

  • Virginia December 30, 2013, 2:28 am

    Yea I’m waiting for it to all blow over I don’t wanna seemlikeoneof those tupical teens but I guess we are all on a similar boat, I mean I’m going thrpugh pretty standard stuff but I’m finding it more difficult to communicate with poeple even my chilled family, I’m not really feeling much of variety of emotions accept boredum and so what and then a bit of axiety, dunno if this could of stemmed from trying to be happy all the time because I have experienced some euforic events but maybe it all came to quicklybut maybe I put too much pressure on myself to be happy all th time in antivipation for the events. I intend to be seeing a new therapist soon,hopefully gettingmyself back on track before I hit the hsc year and just keep it real

  • bob January 1, 2014, 7:14 am

    What to do? When I read “reduce your responsibilities”, I realized I didn’t have to do so much, and that made me feel better. But now that I’m typing this, I realize that living alone and working at home is suffocating me. 🙁

    I think my depression would ease up if I could meet a woman and have a warm relationship, but hope can you date when you’re feeling utterly shattered inside?

  • J-Punch January 1, 2014, 3:44 pm

    At least among the futility and absurdity of the suffering of existence, there is occasional solace in the fact that the things we desire to make ourselves happy, or the thoughts that lead to our misery. are also empty and pointless.

    I used to make songs. Basically gave up music though for many of the same reasons described above.

    I’ll share them though – Maybe they will bring someone else some comfort.

    http://www.jpunch.com

  • Simpson January 1, 2014, 10:10 pm

    Because of my traumatic childhood, I’ve been depressed all my life. Right
    now I feel like a failure, all my efforts that I’ve put into my dreams have not
    lead me to success. My only motivation was to be a successful woman to
    take care of my grandma, but I’ve failed. I feel so sad I haven’t accomplished
    anything.

  • sandra January 4, 2014, 5:33 pm

    Ive been like this for a very long time tryed all been everywhere nothing helps cant talk about my feelings in case I hurt my familys …..leaves me with a feeling of mothingness …..I have cried out loads its like no one hears or understands …or they are to busy thinking of there problems that sound selfish ….but they dont even understand this darkness even in my eyes or behind my mask so what do I do ………thnxs this has made me reliese im not the only one …at least

  • Courtney January 5, 2014, 3:02 am

    I just keep reminding myself that I’m young, that I haven’t experienced life at all to the fullest yet. But even though I am young, I feel like my time is running out, and I just keep wasting it. Nearly all of these little bullet points hit me. I’m very unhappy, and I have no idea what to do.

  • NoName January 6, 2014, 12:29 pm

    I don’t know where to begin- but this article fits me exactly (except for the drinking thing {I’m 14} but I do drink at least one cup of coffee a day.)
    I don’t know when to start- but I hurt all over, every single day; no one truly knows- I make sure I appear happy before talking to anyone.
    Everything is an act.

  • NoName January 6, 2014, 12:40 pm

    Everything is an act- and I don’t know where the sadness and pain ends, and I begin. I despise myself, indescribably so- but I force myself to continue, silently; other people do not need to hear my shit. I place everyone before myself- because I am unworthy- and people are so used to my aid, that I cannot back out now; at home, I clean and cook- and listen to everyone’s problems- no one listens to mine, because they are completely unaware- it’s not worth speaking about, to be honest. I deserve to waste away.
    All my friends look up to me, and expect me to hold all the answers (to whatever question is given by the teacher, whatever problem they may have, whatever topic, whatever reason- where ever and whenever) and I can’t- and I won’t let them down.
    I shouldn’t even write so much- I feel so petty, and feeble- compared to all these people with real problems.
    Everywhere I go- there are real people- with feelings, and who actually care (deeply) about those around them, who actually have real problems.
    I’m going to stop babbling on now- I feel as though I am making no sense.
    I speak like this now- but I will smile, laugh and be just as approachable as I always am; I am not at my worse- I am alive.

  • NoName January 6, 2014, 12:47 pm

    Sorry that ending was quite abrupt :/ I’m not very good at writing on these sorts of things :/ Sorry D; I was rushing a bit towards the end. Sorry in advance D;

  • Chris January 6, 2014, 1:27 pm

    What has been said in this article is true for me. For years now I have lived life and watched helplessly as one after another my dreams in life have been shelved and then finally discarded because of the need to take care of my family. I have always only done work that I can find enjoyment in. Any job I’ve had, I always sought to find a way to be passionate about it. But everything I have done for the past decade or more has been to make sure my family is okay. This is obviously vitally important, especially with young ones. Nevertheless, I have found myself asking,”What’s the point?” I have wondered what will I do in the future when the kids are gone. On December 4, 2013, my 13 year old son died in a sudden and tragic accident. At this point, I simply have nothing worth living for. It is horribly difficult to even get going in the morning. I would not take my life, but I have wondered if you could drop over dead simply because you don’t have the heart to keep on living. Yeah, I guess I am really depressed.

  • shirley January 7, 2014, 6:12 pm

    my god this is me, ive just came from the doctors this wk. im the mad one everyone thinks is happy but behind closed doors i cry all the time, my husband loves me and bends over backwards for me but im still not happy. i just feel like im gonna lose everything and im unsure wether its because he just doesnt make me happy or im depressed. i cant sleep, i constantly have negative thoughts in my head, yet i smile on the outside as soon as someone speaks to me. this has gone on for a while now but i keep saying i want to split which has recently made me see doctor

  • Betty January 8, 2014, 10:18 pm

    It’s 1:03 AM and I’m reading word for word how I feel. I’m strong, proud, intelligent and completely unhappy. I divorced the love of my life three years ago. I have never gained closure. But deep in my heart I love him very much. Reality hits me when I think of going back. I don’t want to be with him but I’m hurt that it ended in betrayal. I truly thought he was the one. Six months later I lost my dream job due to the company shutting down. I want bits and peices of my old life back. This keeps me in constant depression anxiety and feeling unwanted by my ex and my job. I don’t know who I am any more. I want to know what I did to lose both my roles in life. I live in my bedroom away from everyone. No social life. I’m a very independent women. But I’m crummbling I can’t handle the stress any more. I just want to find myself.

  • sarah January 10, 2014, 10:36 am

    This post really speaks out to me, except I dont feel that I am creative? I don’t know, maybe this would help me.
    I’m currently at university and I’m 20, turning 21 next month. I should have the world at my feet, but it just doesn’t feel that way. I dont take pleasure in any of the things that once excited me, and I have never been truly happy since I split up with my boyfriend over a year ago. Yet, even then I wasn’t truly happy. More and more things and people jut seem to be going missing from my and i feel i have nobody to speak to. All my friends are happy and I am very low on their priorities, most of them have boyfriends and they aren’t interested in my boring mundane life or spending time with me, and who can blame them. I try and act happy to make people like me but it doesn’t work. I feel fake and I cant go on any longer. I don’t know what will make my life feel more full but i just wish i had someone to talk to.

  • W January 12, 2014, 2:07 am

    thank you for writing this, i feel this way. i function more than most of the people i surround myself with yet i am so hollow and empty. i am capable so i get left alone to deal with it while others have everything handed to them to no avail. the more i show of my real self to people the more i realise i am not friendly or nice i am actually very angry and resentful of everything i feel ive done for others while i quietly die inside.

  • helen January 13, 2014, 12:30 pm

    I think I’m one of them, everything fits exactly, walking depression, god what do I do, I thought I was over depression, but no I broke down last night, almost 24 hours now I’ve been away from home, 13 years ago I was diagnosed with depression, Was going through divorce, I lost the job I really felt proud of being in, I became a single mother doing 3 jobs filling 7 days a week, I met my now husband and I finally went for help and took a few years of depression pills, was tough but felt fully recovered, then had my son, now 6, I thought everything was perfect, my husband cooks for me, works and provide me house and car, kids are in private school, everything should be and sounds perfect, I also live with my in laws , and as I don’t cook, I try to do everything else, I help out in the family business 4 days a week, the other 3 days I’m responsible for doing the homework with the kids and look after them, I also do everything for my in laws, helping them in and out doctors appointments and whatever they need, I also do all the housework cleaning, but it doesn’t seem good enough what I do, cos working with my husband has put a big strain on our relationship, but I must work with him as it’s a family business. If I go he says I don’t care, but working with him I constantly get shouted at , for 10 years I’ve been with him, he says he’s done everything for me, provided for me and the fact that the in laws accept my older daughter and treats her as their own , I should feel so lucky and content and happy. But I’m not, I constantly get shouted at , when my husband gets stressed he takes it out on me. I have accepted it for many years thinking of all the good he’s done responsibility wise, but as a husband, he will shout never ever apologise cos I end up getting upset get over it and be the one who says sorry, he had never ever said sorry, he’s putting me down more and more over the years , I feel worthless, useless, I finally stormed out of work 24 hours ago, I drove around for 5 hours then finally settled in a hotel, I know the family is still angry with me at home, I don’t want to go back, tonight is the second night in the hotel, it took him 20 hours to text or look for me and that is the kids texting me. He still think If I want. to go then go. He doesn’t care and he will not apologise, he’s very stubborn and he always manage to turn the tables round to say that I was irresponsible leaving the kids and not coming home , but I’ve not left home before, and I never go out, I don’t have friends, he was not worried one bit about me, finally when the kids text me to come home I burst into tears again. I cried myself out last night, today I feel exhausted. Ok rant over, it’s hard to explain the whole story . But reading how you wrote about waking depression explains exactly how I feel. I don’t want a second divorce I just want my husband to care,

    • Shaylin January 17, 2014, 1:16 pm

      I’m sorry that that happened….

  • Anna January 14, 2014, 1:13 am

    I’ve went through a few different phases in my life and assumed that was depression but it wasn’t until now, I realize the thing I am going through is in fact walking depression. I never knew that my ex bf, the man I still love, could have slowly put me in this state of mind. I never in my life thought about killing myself until this past yr when I attempted to end my life 3 different times, but I chickened out. Sometimes I am afraid of my own self and what I might do, I don’t want to cause pain to my family. Every small memory triggers me to cry and I know it’s not normal because it’s never happened to me before. I’m really afraid of what I may do one day .

  • Lisa January 14, 2014, 6:50 am

    According to this list of symptoms, the majority of my life would have been considered “Walking Depression.” Let me tell you, what’s described above is a cake walk compared to what happens if you endure massive losses, what professionals I’ve seen referred to as traumatic loss, while in a walking depressive state. I can’t describe it to the absolute mess it deserved but a doctor called it absolute hopelessness and that’s the closest anyone’s been able to get so far. If pressed, I wouldn’t say I feel dead. But I haven’t felt alive in over three years. The worst part is the rumor of “rock bottom.” Let me tell you something and remember this, always: no matter how low you get, no matter how much worse your life gets, it can always get worse. There’s always more to lose. Until one day you just don’t care anymore – about anything, really – and it doesn’t even bother you.

    • Lisa January 14, 2014, 6:52 am

      Be grateful for what you still have, and be grateful for what you don’t have. That’s the only way. There’s no other light.

  • Cindy January 14, 2014, 8:18 pm

    I want my response to be well thought out and intelligent.. but it’s all part of the fake it mentality i have adapted to over the past few years. I feel I don’t deserve to complain or to want for more in life. I have a lot to be grateful for. that should be enough. But I don’t even feel like the pursuit of anything happy (for me) is worth while. I always end up in the same place. I’m stuck where I am. I have responsibilities, I need to just do that, I make other people happy, do for them. But it’s not much fun, not fulfilling. To start anything again seems fruitless

  • Kaina January 16, 2014, 7:20 pm

    I can’t admit that I am depressed because I feel like I’m letting the people around me down. My life isn’t tragic or train wreak and I don’t know why I feel this way. I am filled with so much sadness and I don’t know what to do with it .Everything that I once loved, that gave me a sence of accomplishment and joy just doesn’t anymore. I just want to get away from this life that I am living now and start a new one but I don’t know how. I’m tired of being sad for no reason, I want to be the wonderwoman that I once was.

    • Kaina January 16, 2014, 7:26 pm

      I have joined a church and have just been trying to pray like they tell you to pray and be patient that god will help you but some times I just get to the point where I just want to say well who’s going to help me down here? I’m drrowning in these feelings and whenever I get the corage to talk to anyone about it, even my best freind, I feel like a huge bother and like I need to be happy for their sake to and just be happy and stop being such a downer

  • Shaylin January 17, 2014, 1:12 pm

    That’s me all right…. I’m a teen and that describes me perfectly…. I have a lot of shit going on in my life right now….. I wish that it was all over…. I can’t bare it any more!!!!

  • Brandi January 17, 2014, 8:38 pm

    I really think this is me. I have not seen a therapist for depression yet, but I’ve been increasingly feeling like I should. I think I’ve had a pattern of this kind depression for a long time and it has ebbed and flowed with the vibrancy my creative life. I try to fight it, blame it on this thing or that thing, but I know that there is something not right with me. Thanks for sharing this incite. It may be exactly what I need to get some help to feel better.

  • kim January 19, 2014, 2:39 pm

    This totally me. I’ve been like this since my first child. I would dream of packing and leaving my family every 2nd day. But never have but instead just keep going. Every night I have only a few hours of broken sleep. I had no help or support from family friends. My husband does help out but he doesn’t understand my feeling or what I’m going through. I’m very moody and would snap at the smallest thing especially with my husband.

  • Tami January 21, 2014, 6:58 am

    Never knew about this I just knew know matter how good things are going I never felt happy I never think of myself others are always first I feel selfish if I put my self first and I never want to go to sleep at night cause that is when I start to feel a little better I just keep going and going and smiling I’m a waitress I always sing that song to myself “and know body knows it but me”but at sometimes at home or work something small can happen and I will just fall apart start crying but I put myself back together tell my self I’m strong I just gotta keep going and pretending everything’s fine my husband worries much I can’t tell him I feel I guess I’m afraid he would try to get me to see a dr or something it felt good to let out here

  • BrendaG4 January 24, 2014, 3:04 am

    It has a name. It’s called dysthymia or ” persistent depressive disorder”.

    • Leila February 15, 2014, 3:04 am

      I was just told I probably have persistent depressive disorder, and this article described me to a t. Was encouraged to take antidepressants, but am reluctant, don’t know why, guess I think I can beat this myself if I try hard enough.

      • Sarah March 5, 2014, 11:26 am

        I was really strongly anti-medication until I reached rock bottom after years of depression. I finally gave in and tried something and it helped so much for about a year, I was so happy and highly productive. If you find one that works for your physiology it can be a huge help.

        Unfortunately mine no longer works for me, but I would definitely still recommend them.

    • Alison January 13, 2015, 3:28 pm

      I think walking depression could be persistent depressive disorder or major depressive disorder or both. The important thing is that people recognize it as depression, even if they’re still able to function, and get professional help.

  • Sabrina January 25, 2014, 8:58 pm

    I never knew something like walking depression existed, but after reading this, I realize i’m going through it… I’m 19 and felt like this since middle school. I go through periods of where I just don’t care anymore and wonder if there’s a point to life… I feel as though I’m just wasting air sometimes. I probably won’t amount to anything, I mean… I can’t even get a job to help out my mom with some of the bills or when things, or cars, around the house break. I’m an introvert and I also think I have some kind of anxiety problem because I always worry and feel like the worst will happen, even over the smallest things, but I still go out when I have to. For years I’ve kept up an act about always being calm, okay and smiley because I don’t want to be thought of as such a downer. But when I’m home, I only show how I really feel to my mom, which got me the nickname of cloud of gloom. Not much seems fun anymore either… I feel as though I’ve lost some of my emotions when I started going to middle school, which had to be one of the worst times of my life (was an outcast, disliked for no reason, one of the weird, quiet kids… luckily high school was kind of better). And during that time (along with when I was little) there were lots of arguments at home… my parents don’t love each other. They’re still together, but there’s not as much arguments as before… they both always talk about each other behind their backs though. And my dad said that if it wasn’t for my bro and I, he would have left a long time ago. He doesn’t want us to feel like he did cause his parents were divorced, but… I sometimes wonder if a divorce would have been for the best. We wouldn’t have been exposed to all of the arguments, and when I was little my bro use to blame me for them (he’s older than me and we both still live at home). I don’t feel much excitement or happiness from things that use to give me them. Energy is low from crying… like now. I often think about the past and focus on the negative… I write stories, draw, play music, and do taekwondo. Doing these things helps for a little while, but once I stop… the pessimistic thoughts and feelings return…

  • Nichole January 26, 2014, 10:43 am

    I copied this link and sent it to my doctor. I am 28 years old. I have been able to move from my country (Puerto Rico) with 20 dollars under my name and 3,000 from my parents and made a life for myself in Miami. I have a BA in graphic design and regardless of my young age I have 11 years experience in Advertising, Design, Marketing and Sales. I have worked my butt off.

    I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression at the age of 17. I make every day happen, I push until everything is done, and everyone is happy. Even if I am left thinking, but what about me?

    However, tomorrow I am giving my 2 weeks noticed at my current Marketing Coodinator job because of a hostile work environment that never was resolved. Part of being creative is that you are considered “emotional” and no one takes your complaints any serious.

    This article describes how Im feeling perfectly. I would like to thank you for posting this, it really has helped me a lot!

    Nichole

  • Lucy January 28, 2014, 10:45 am

    Hiya. Good article. I feel my whole life has been a walking depression (interspersed with other depressions) . At 30 years old, I am just now realising I need to do art properly for my own mental health, so Im going to do an Art A level at college. Looking forward to reading your other articles. Lucy.

  • Nikki January 29, 2014, 11:15 am

    After nearly a year of feeling like this, it was so good to recognise myself in someone else’s words. I keep trying to ‘pull myself together’ but it doesn’t get any better. I tried to reach out to my GP who thought I was ‘just’ menopausal. I feel so isolated and lonely and yet have a loving family which makes me feel guilty for feeling this way. I wish I knew a way forward.

  • Noh January 30, 2014, 1:28 pm

    I am not obese but I am overweight. I have been sad for years now, and I never get to share this to my family. My mother would always criticize the way I look— she would tell me how fat I am or that I need to lose weight whenever we’re eating. When I cry at night, my eyes would be swollen the morning after. When she noticed this, she would say why do you look sad and would immediately follow it up with a fat joke, and how I look like a drug addict because my eyes are darkened or swollen. She would also insist I look very, very ugly. When I walk out silently, she would then tease me how oversensitive I am with jokes, and would now tease me to how sensitive I am.

    I have been sad for so many years now, but in a third world country like where we live, issues like this remain taboo. When I voice out my condition to how sad I am and how sometimes I want to feel like dying, my mom would be extremely angry at me. I wish it would be easier here to reach out to someone for help. It’s also very hard for me to share to anyone how I feel, considering that I grew up with a mother like mine who would shot me down with her words every time I would try to even have a decent conversation other than news about celebrities or other trivial things. When the conversation becomes personal, it goes downhill.

    Most depressed people are forced to put up a front because depression or any form of mental illness is still a taboo. Ignorance is not a bliss.

  • Syazana February 2, 2014, 6:43 am

    I want to be okay. I’m only turning and life feels like it’s not going any further than this. Yet the only thing that draws me back from doing anything ridiculous is faith. I can never give up. So the walk never ends.. I’m not happy but I can manage.

    That’s my life.
    Though once I graduated everything changes. The life I was so used to is gone and now everything feels plausible. Home. Home. Home. Computer. Computer. Computer.

    My family isn’t helping too. The way they ridicule me for being too slow, too dumb, too this too that. And then they mentioned about death so easily. They have no idea I’m a depressed little child because I can’t even tell my mother I’m not pleasant.

    I need meds. I need to scream. I need to just… be happy again. Anything.

    • Syazana February 2, 2014, 6:44 am

      18. I’m only turning 18.

  • Linda February 3, 2014, 5:19 am

    yes I see myself here too walking depressed … carrying on looking after my children but not much else is in my life and I can’t summon the energy to change it. I have no energy for anything much and I fear that I am damaging my children they have already been damaged enough by their father leaving us … that is what this is all about I know and I can’t seem to get past it and move forward … its been 4 years like this now and it doesn’t get any easier. Ask anyone how I am and they will say I am doing good, even thriving … but they don’t know really … they only see the mask when I go out and that is so rarely. They don’t know. I don’t know what to do about it either, there seems no solution. It will be my life until the end. It is such a waste. I am so sad.

  • Ann Cheryl February 4, 2014, 9:50 pm

    This article resonates with me. I have my own little room, equipped with 2 tables, pen, paper, candles for scent and relaxation,an mp3 player with speaker, loads of books (especially reference books) but I am stalled. Totally. I have only been able to sit in my room at my desk and write two days out of the last 7. I’m a two-time dropout from art school, an “empty-nester” and currently on disability. My own worst enemy is myself because I’m afraid to begin because I’m afraid to fail. I wish there was a magic pill that I could take that would give me a jump start.

  • Chas February 5, 2014, 8:23 pm

    This is me. I know I have depression but most of the time it is managed by my medication and talk therapy. I haven’t been to talk therapy in a while (I have an appt next week) but this is ME. I tried explaining this to my husband, and though he is compassionate I don’t think he fully understands. And I know my unhappiness really hampers our relationship. I’d tell my husband I’m just not happy. Nothing is wrong and I can’t explain it……well……this does explain it. Thank you.

  • Lawanda Tillman February 8, 2014, 3:29 pm

    Oh my Lord, reading this has brought tears to my eyes. Finally, I feel like somone out there know me and understand some of what i been going through. I just wish i had someone i could sit down with to vent to and come up with a solution to better myself. Thank you and please continue to send me info.

  • D Annacone February 8, 2014, 3:33 pm

    Did you hit this nail on the head…..
    I am an artist, but lately cannot get into my work at all. I live with my children and my husband – because I am ill and know that I only have a year or so left to live. I thought it would be nice to know there were people around to take care of me and to take care of my husband when I am gone. It has not turned out to be the case. I am now taking care of my children and 3 dogs and spending way too much time by myself. I have spent my life doing everything for others – showing myself what a really good person I am… always putting me at the back of the line. The problem is I am getting too tired and I’m not up to getting myself out of this sadness I am in. I could go on… but won’t.

  • thanks February 11, 2014, 6:38 pm

    I wish I could fully accept that I am exactly what you described, but I just wipe away the single tear, feel accepted for a minute, and then go on being destructive.
    The problem is not that I don’t know what’s wrong, it’s that I don’t know how to realistically stop working in all the wrong ways.

    But thank you so much for this.
    & I am trying really hard.

  • Nic February 12, 2014, 7:28 am

    OH MY GOD! this is how I feel, this rung so true. It was like a description of me, walking depressed, I put on this brave front and try to do what I have to do, and I work so hard and try so hard, especially for my children, but going from one failed business to temporary badly paid job isn’t doing it anymore, I feel useless, incapable, unemployable, but I seem to put this brave face on this fake attitude. All iv’e ever wanted to do is paint and make music, and everyone has always said, ‘have something to fall back on ‘ the most useless advice in the world. Im 34 years old and I think my children and partner would be better of without me, I think and feel that I don’t belong and i’m unwanted, until my little girl smiles and says she’s loves me, that’s all that keeps me oing, if it weren’t for my kids i’d be dead, and i’m not sure how long that’;s gonna cut it, help me someone please.

  • Haidee February 12, 2014, 5:47 pm

    Yes, this is me. Day in, day out. My pride is leaving me in a rut. I live in a small town and I am fairly well known as a strong willed, sportswoman that grabs the bull by the horns. I know I’m depressed but I am waaay to proud to let others know or even help me. I’m in a real rut.

  • Heather February 16, 2014, 4:06 pm

    I have never related to anything I have read more. I balled my eyes out reading this because I felt so much less alone. I can’t even a remember a time when I didn’t feel like I was putting on my happy face for everyone and being miserable by myself. thank you for putting this out there and making me feel slightly less guilty for feeling the way I do.

  • Anastacia Brie February 18, 2014, 9:28 pm

    I have considered myself a “coping depressive” much like most of my family, who are coping alcoholics. No one outside of the family would even know there is anything wrong. But inside my own head, there is such dysfunction. I don’t think I have been happy for over 35 years, even though those people closest to me would say I was a happy, people-orientated person. I don’t understand how I can fool them for so long – I actually watch movies to see how people interact – for clues how to be a good listener and conversationalist. How sad is that? Just to mask the fact that I can’t stand life, and it is painful to wake up most days. And recently I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. A perfect excuse to be depressed, and I am searching for reasons to be happy and optimistic – just to deflect others. I just don’t get it. Am I actively trying to be depressed – to isolate and separate myself from others – or is there an organic reason for my depression? I have tried a couple of different anti-depressants, but I did not feel or act any different. In fact I resent the idea that the medical establishment resorts to pills to cure my skewed viewpoint. Or am I so skewed that I can’t see my own problems. Good grief, this circular argument could go on forever, and in my head, it tends to!

    Anyway, I was happy to see this type of website and that there are others who have similar viewpoints. I am currently trying to find some support for my cancer, but right now it consists of me calling various cancer survivors to get their viewpoint. While this could be informative, it may not connect with all of my symptoms.

    Thanks and take care, Staci

    • fifi August 8, 2016, 1:17 pm

      Same thing here…I’m happy to find this website and see that others have similar problems

  • Sbee February 19, 2014, 10:18 pm

    This is exactly me…feels more like the walking dead sometimes. I am married with two beautiful daughters. I have every reason in the world to be happy. My kids are healthy, we have a beautiful home and I am this super mom. I have an extremely succesful and lucrative career. My husband and I get along…and so it goes. But I struggle to think of a single day where I can truly say that I feel happy. I mean REALLY happy. The truth is, I hate working…clocking in and out of a company. I thought maybe it was my job…and so it went that I went from one job to a better and bigger job. I realise that I dont like any job. I feel as though I am merely existing and not really living. And becasue of my frustration I often snap at my kids and husband. That’s not fair….I would like to run my own business, manage my own time, plan my own work day. Leave at whatever time i feel like so that I can go home and cook for my kids, fetch them at school, be 100% energised and ready to help them with their homework. Have time for myself (like going to gym)..have more energy and time for my husband. His salary is just not enough to carry us, so I take it upon myself to fix the situation. My family are now accustomed to a certain lifestyle. I believe I can still provide it, without it being as taxing on my spirit and soul as it is now. I want to have time to pray during the day. Its time for me to start living. I watched a docu about Steve Jobs….Its so true. He said there came a point in his life where he woke up every morning and said ” Do i have to go to that place again and do what I’ve been doing all these years…again?” Its time to start living…whatever that means for ech of us…without compromising anything or anyone. I belive it can be done. Its a hard journey and it feels risky (and I have never been one with a big risk appetite)…but it might be worth it?

  • Vikings Fan February 22, 2014, 1:14 am

    My eyes enlarged to the size of basketballs, this article, it was perfect. it painted the masterpiece picture my brain and mouth couldnt even choose the paint for. its like i never wanted conformation but this…this is me. It started early for me, middle school i guess, felt empty alone angry, i was always trying to fit in. I had multiple friends but as high school arrived i had a chance to join one of the popular crews, joined an left my old ones. i did what they did, they smoked cigs, an partied an drank, big deal? everyone did it right?i have always had anger built up inside me, i was terribly anxious around girls, drinkin solves that right? i was the quiet guy in the group, but i dont know why i ALWAYS had a need to impress them, drink/solved they laugh. fast foward-we are all 22-24, when work is over we congregate nightly, drink til passout, wake up an restart the cycle. meet a girl, my lovely girlfriend i still somehow how have, im anxious, drink, solved…im relaxed it worked! wrong…drinkdaily while seeing her, well great man congrats!ya got a great girlfriend, but by your 2nd anniversery youre a functioning closet alcoholic! you wake up by downing a .375 by 10am everyday an it barely impairs you driving a 12 ton truck. Father divorces, moves 1800 miles away, mother sister an I are crushed. sister tries drinking herself under, thankfully fails at .45, treatment and sober 3 yrs now, ok by my(our) 3rd annivery its almost a 1.75 a day, pissed off all day incoherent at night, memory worse than a squirrels with acorn placement, drove all the time like an idiot, but never out of control, i was coherant enough to get home on my own 95% of the time. a cocky drunk fool alike those who have killed innocents in the past, one terrible night i had words with my girlfriend, fight, leave, i stay drink 4-5 shots go home, cops wake me up outside car shirt off shoes off tellin the cops that my first name IS my address, blow .34 go to jail…i am garbage, i waste space, air, water, food…i am the garbage that garbage produces…list goes on, the only single time that ending my life sounded reasonable, get released 11am so mad at myself, get annhilated again, play softball that night, collision, boom forearm looks like a spaghetti string. A long worthless story but its been 18 months since i drank, i feel okay some days but others make me wonder why i stopped. after allowing booze to ruin years of my life i still am lost, bored, zero ambition to better myself, as if im waiting to grow old and die, thoughts of depression i thought were produced by the 3 year downward spiral bender mixed with a cold turkey soberiety, then it clicked ive felt this way before… i was in middle school.

  • Vikings Fan February 22, 2014, 1:22 am

    ^ am now 26 yrs old, after reading this walking article an appointment will be made tomorrow with a professional, thank you

  • Rochelle February 22, 2014, 4:17 am

    Thank you.

  • Samantha February 23, 2014, 12:52 pm

    This is so frighteningly accurate. Especially the part about feeling too presumptuous to consider myself depressed when others are worse off. Sometimes I think I can’t really be depressed because I’m still functional, even beyond the crushing unhappiness and the negative thoughts. And I keep telling myself that if it were really depression, someone would notice, but they haven’t, so it can’t be.

    Thank you for this article, I think I really, really needed to read it.

  • brenda February 26, 2014, 4:29 pm

    Iv’e just retired,thats what i thought i wanted at the time. I left a wonderful job, not payed much but it was an easy job. I’ve been home for two month’s & i’m bored out of my head. I use to go to the gym before work 6;30 meet my friend,then go to work 8-5. I’m 62 I’ve worked forever. I just became tired of it all. I thought i would get up work out at the house(i have exercise stuff) fill great about myself & NO CLOCKING IN,NO GETTING DRESSED, but I fill like i’m dead yet alive. I’m married, he’s retired too,all my kids are on there own.All i do all day is eat, play on the computer,watch tv & drink at nite I’ts 5;00 somewhere !!! I have no drive no energy, I;m waiting for me to snap out of this 🙁

  • Fran February 27, 2014, 4:22 am

    Oh my gosh, this is me.

    It’s just getting worse by the day, not sure what to do any more.

  • Megan February 27, 2014, 7:58 pm

    Yes, absolutely, most people don’t even realize I have depression. It took my mom two years for her to figure it out, although technically she didn’t even figure it out. I wrote her a note asking for help, but what I didn’t tell her was that if she didn’t believe me i was going to kill myself. Although I still have these thoughts I have people to talk to now about this.

  • cricket March 2, 2014, 12:16 pm

    Everything you speak of is currently true for me. I can read it once or a thousand times but i just don’t ever see this coming to an end. I have tried several things n i have given up. I cant even make a friend because i have forgotten how to be one. So i’l sit here like i do every weekend, in my bedroom alone waiting to go back to work .

  • kris March 3, 2014, 11:21 am

    Every since I was a child my entire life has been a sad, gloomy and unhappy life. I grew up with an everyday griping and bitter mother who could never be positive about anything. Everyday with her is hell. She can’t be satisfied. i pray to God and I’m still stuck. I hate me. Looking back at my life, I realize what a waste. I rather be dead than to keep living my life. I prayed for a husband so I wouldn’t keep sexually sinning and I prayed for a God-given child to devote my energy and give the love to that I yearn for. Why me? I wouldn’t trade my life to an enemy. So many regrets. I know I’m grown but I still hate my parents for making me. i was just a spite child and a sounding board. I feel empty everyday. i know that when I smile or laugh it’s not genuine. I feel like vanishing. There is no point in my life…

  • kris March 3, 2014, 11:29 am

    I pray to God and they say to listen and wait….how long? I have sinned so much I think God has turned His ear away from me. I just wish I had something to live for. The love I dish out is never returned. Sex is the only escape. I have never been loved and I don’t expect it. Pray only works for people whom God loves. The whole marriage and baby thing is for worthy people and I realize I am not worthy. I just don’t have the courage to prematurely leave the world. My chest feels tight most of the time and I sleep about 4-6 hours a day if that much. I usually cry myself to sleep just to start all over again. I eat sparingly. Food doesn’t taste good and is frankly pointless. Enough with sad Kris….who cares if i don’t? Funny how people are quick to judge you and preach but never see the hidden pain.

  • Sarah March 5, 2014, 11:22 am

    Ugh, this is how I feel. I wondered about being exhausted in the morning and wide awake at night, and this is the first explanation that has made sense. Now I’m wondering what to do… I’m already on medicine. I have tried switching, and the new one was so much worse, and being off my meds was a disaster that led to several months of barely functioning. I’m so ready to be over this.

    BTW, are the bands on the side of the page from an electrophoresis gel? It looks like a base pair ladder.

  • Brian March 6, 2014, 7:10 am

    I did a simple search of “am I depressed” on Google and I found this post. I didn’t really think I was. I never thought I was the kind of person who could get depressed. I’m very social, an extrovert, and I never have problems speaking with people. But something has been wrong for almost a year now.

    A few sentences into your description of what it means to be one of the “walking depressed” I started to cry. I haven’t cried in years. Reading your description was like looking in a mirror.

    I know you wrote this a long time ago and you probably won’t see my comment… but if you do… I want to say thank you. Thank you for this post. You will never know how much it means to me.

    • NE May 31, 2014, 9:33 pm

      Your comment is exactly what happened to me. This describes me to a tee.

  • A.J. March 7, 2014, 2:54 am

    As I am sitting here reading this, I am crying like a baby!! This is so me!! With that being said, I have to admit its hard to accept! No matter how hard I try to pull myself to the top, I always find myself back at the bottom.

    • H May 1, 2014, 4:11 pm

      Snap. And it’s getting harder.

  • Liz March 7, 2014, 7:58 am

    Wow, so there are depressed people who are productive? While I lay in bed and binge eat all day feeling sorry for myself. This article only made me feel more depressed and makes me feel like even more of a loser…like even being depressed, I should/could be a productive person. Apparently I’m not only a crappy daughter, woman and individual, but I’m also a crappy depressed person too. Not sure how this article came up first in my search results, but I think Google needs to do some reindexing…

    • Joss September 1, 2014, 3:55 pm

      Liz,
      Please look up at some earlier comments expressing similar feelings about the article. The author actually replied to these comments explaining that she didn’t mean to belittle anyone’s condition, and that she did not intend to make anyone look better or worse. This is part of one of her responses:
      “I’ll going to take another look at the article and see if I can tweak it so it doesn’t give the impression that I think the walking depressed are better than anyone else. We’re not, we just manifest depression differently. And I want EVERYONE to get help for this awful condition.”

      -Joss

      • Alison January 13, 2015, 1:11 pm

        Just wanted to make a note that I have done more revisions of the article, so that hopefully it presents the difference between low-grade and severe depression in a more neutral, non-judgmental way. Thanks, Joss, for speaking up to clarify that.

        Liz, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and I’m sorry that my article gave your depression fuel for unkindness to yourself. I hope you’re able to find the help you need.

  • Jolanta March 7, 2014, 4:48 pm

    I am a walking depression. I’ve been feeling this way for 19 years. I didn’t know the name for it. I look forward to sleeping at night. However, I don’t look forward to a new day. I am menopausal and experiencing night sweats. It’s horrible this feeling of sweating and then becoming chilled and finally falling back to sleep. I don’t awake refreshed but groggy. Wondering why I need to wake up. I get up and begin my day by brushing my teeth and hair. Making a pot of coffee for me and my daughter. Trying desperately not to show my true feelings in the morning to my daughter and husband. Unfortunately, I am miserable since I am 56 years old, unemployed, and fixing up a condo apartment that was left in a total mess. I’m no longer excited about the prospect of the condo apartment. The novelty has worn off since I found out that I can hear my male neighbor downstairs. The male neighbor depresses me more since we don’t get along because of his loud acid/very, very hard rock and roll music. Every time he plays that music my heart races and I can’t fall asleep. My husband experiences the same type of symptoms as I do and he becomes angry about the purchase of this condo apartment. We no longer look forward to hanging pictures on the wall, purchasing new living room furniture, and adding other bits and pieces that we would like. My daughter has lost interest too about this purchase. I had foresight about the purchase of this condo apartment that kept gnawing at me and I would tell my husband about it. He dismissed it as nerves and said it will be better than living in the mobile home. However, we didn’t have a noisy male neighbor who has little and no respect for his neighbors above. He and his children need to have the music and TV playing loud 24/7 when they visit him on the weekend. We have called the police, however, he has outsmarted the police and we ended up looking like the bad people who have the problem. So much so that the police are charging us for false alarm calling. I am so depressed. My husband is upset, however, he seems to weather the storm better than I do. I meditate daily so much so that it’s becoming boring and mundane. I walk three to four miles everyday to shake this feeling. Sometimes the walking helps while other times I feel lost, lonely, and not a place to call home. Thank you for listening. I wish everyone happiness and wellness that experiences depression. Every day is a monkey on ones back.

  • Ali March 9, 2014, 2:58 pm

    I am so glad I found you. I fit all the signs of a walking depression. I pretty much go through each day just trying to function normally. Like you for some reason mornings are awful but by the evening I feel somewhat better. I can never figure why this is. I am determined to move on and find a better place and purpose (a major cause of me feeling depressed, I often feel I have no purpose). Thanks for your enlightenment.
    Ali xx

  • andrea March 10, 2014, 8:03 am

    I never thought or being depress was my problem or not be able to be happy. Until I read this article I realize I’m been happy and depress for years….

  • Ronnie March 11, 2014, 3:20 am

    I can relate to this article I worked in a company that I believe had sick Building Syndrome and it was getting me down as I was good at my job but with the chest infections that I kept getting I began to be very fearful of losing my job. Eventually I did through accumulative days off. I felt totally worthless and a waste of time as a person. Although I kept busy and gained qualifications whilst I was searching for a new job financially I had to go for jobs that I felt weren’t using the skills I had learned. I feel depressed because for all the effort I have put in to improve myself I feel it has all been thrown back in my face.

    Since I left the company that was making me sick my health has improved dramatically (I even tried changing my contraception which has helped) and I don’t have the annual winter hospital visits but the mantra I keep getting is ‘at least you have a job’ really upsets me and I don’t feel valued at all and financially only fractionally better than when I as unemployed. I feel I have so much to offer but I don’t know what to do any more.

    So now I’m fitter and healthier but still stuck in a rut of trying for more suitable jobs. . Unable to afford much and trying to avoid the debt drain. It is affecting my relationship and everyone around me. I have considered Al anon as my partner is an alcoholic (But dry I am pleased to say for several months now) but none of the meetings suit me timewise. I feel I should give up and walk out on everything and everyone but I know that would not be a wise choice.

  • Andrea Lynne Cory March 13, 2014, 6:20 pm

    I can barely leave my bed. It’s been 13 years since my husbands death raising 5 children 3 moves a dad with cancer many many things. And now I just went to bed. I’m very worried. I don’t even bathe. Brush my teeth. I just don’t care. Like all at once.

  • Neeta March 13, 2014, 7:45 pm

    I came across this article and was shocked to see that over 95% of it applies to me. I have identified that I suffer from this type as depression and while feeling so low everyday I force myself to carry on working and looking after others. I just don’t want to let myself down as my sense of responsibility is too high. I have been like this for over 4 years now and no matter how much I keep going that sad empty feeling is always inside and I just can’t seem to be happy or able to relax!

  • Bonnie March 13, 2014, 9:22 pm

    I’m only 20 and I feel very unhappy and I feel like this most of the time but I don’t know ho to Change it and make myself happy or wake me up from this .

  • Amber March 14, 2014, 8:41 am

    I relate to this on so many levels. This description is my life. Somedays, with plenty of coffee and vitamin D, I can feel great but it seems those days are becoming much more sparse. I was on medication about 10 yrs ago and it made things worse so I have not admitted to depression in fear of going down that road again. Plus, though I despise it, my family of 6 as well as my full time job greatly relies on me so I don’t feel I have the time to focus on myself… So for now I will just read some more of these comments and know I am not alone. And so I keep “walking” until I figure out a way to help myself on my own

  • box March 21, 2014, 12:13 pm

    Hi I am 25 years old, I think I have been suffering with depression for many years now, I find it difficult to make friends, hardly talk to my family knowing they love me, i keep my self to my self. everything i do i tend to fail in. every time i try to find work no one gives me a chance its like they can see right through me. this is the first time im writing about depression and finding it a little weird, I feel so low at times especially in the evenings, and i dont want to feel like this no more.

  • Alex March 22, 2014, 7:59 pm

    This is me to a tee ,I am at a point wear I feel that their is no meaning to anything I do ,I feel that I need to find something more meaningful to do with my life ,I have given so much of myself to please others and never take time for myself ,or get anything to make me happy .I let people tell me that this is what we are going to do ,when we are going to do it ,and how it will be done .now I am crushed lifeless and asking why do I do this and when will life treat me for all of my hard work .I can’t talk to those around me I feel alone even though I am around the ones that are spouse to be my family. I am in great internal pain ,need to feel that their is someone their for me ,when will the pain go away I work all the time and feel great pressure on my days off

    • Sylvia Escalera April 27, 2014, 1:09 am

      I take care of my mom sister and son on a daily basis. I have no break or time for me. Nobody asks me how i feel. I am lost depressed and feel worthless. I have been like this since i was 15. I don’t sleep. Tried everything. I understand

  • Kat March 23, 2014, 1:29 pm

    Thank you

  • Josh Petry March 23, 2014, 8:11 pm

    Little did I know a simple google search of “why am I so unhappy” would lead to something so true within my own life… I intend to read more of your work and hopefully find some help in my problem

  • Veronica March 24, 2014, 7:05 pm

    Today was one of those depressing, weepy days. I could relate to everything you all wrote. I’ve been diagnosed with overactive thyroid, and have done a lot of research (I usually despise conventional medicine and doctors, so always looking for natural cures and herbs, etc.). I also have adrenal fatigue and am starting menopause. Yikes!

    Perhaps some of you out there have hormonal issues, as well…those will really mess with your mind! Depression can be caused (at least in part) by hormonal or chemical imbalances.

    Do some research…and (my recommendation)…stay away from the conventional docs!

    Stress will wreak havoc, too, and I’ve had my share of that over the past several years. Almost constant. Looking over my life I realize through all this I’ve been finding my authentic self. Now I have to get to a point of feeling well, so I can take some REAL action.

    Plans are in the works, but some days I just want to go hide away like a hermit. But on the good days my boyfriend and I are planning on moving out of the country and starting the second half of our lives (he’s 57 and I’m 47). Trying to take good care of myself and heal physically, as well as emotionally, so I can feel consistently more energetic to take the necessary actions.

    However, there are still lots of days when I’m not “producing,” that I ask myself, “What’s it all for?”

    My best to all of you and thanks for sharing and allowing me to do the same!

    “This, too, shall pass.”

    Veronica

  • Michelle March 25, 2014, 11:12 am

    I’ve never considered depression through the creative persons’ lens. Very interesting. Very helpful, too. I’m in this weird position that my partner lost her mom recently and I’m the one who’s so upset. Meanwhile – I never even met her mom bit it’s been a tough few months of clearing out her house and an all-consuming event, every weekend for a couple of months. I’m a photographer and film maker and I miss doing that type of work in my free time. I mean, I’m a photographer and videographer during the day, too, for the apparel industry but I miss working on my personal projects and fear that if I take some time for myself, I’m not being there for my partner. But I realize that I over extended myself over the last few months and now I’m a bit of a wreck – not a good partner at all! Anyway, nice article. thank you!

  • BB March 26, 2014, 11:29 pm

    You perfectly described me.

    I sit in front of my desk hours on end, working on my novel. Ideas come, but there’s no color in my writing. It’s gone. And I feel like I’m making little to no progress. My concentration is also bad–I often can’t fully engage in the story. If I encounter a plot problem or clunky dialogue, I often mentally check out instead of working on a solution.

    I’ve been a professional writer for many years, so I have a measure of confidence in my ability, but after I published my first novel two years ago, I got little to no support, from family and friends. Most of them ignored it. That, in addition to the crushing physical depression I suffer, weighs heavily on me as I work on book two and three in the series. They’re both currently in the rough draft stage and have been open on my computer since November.

    Tonight, a little voice kept telling me: “Do you really think you’re a writer?”

    My depression is also often worse in the morning. I think it’s hormonal. Mine became all the worse after a total hysterectomy/oophorectomy four years ago. I also have sleep apnea, and that causes depression, because it too affects the hormones, which alters the brain chemistry. I currently have a wedge pillow, and if I stay on it all night, I feel a little better in the morning. I’ve not been able to talk myself into a sleep study. Maybe this summer.

  • My Info March 31, 2014, 2:16 am

    I just reaLized how desperately depressed I actually am. My God. I thought this was just a sadness but this has made me realize how much worse it is than that. I’ll be leaving my boyfriend asap and taKing less responsibility immediately. Thank you for this epiphany!!!!

  • Erika Romero March 31, 2014, 5:46 pm

    I just came across this googling why I’ve been crying so much. I don’t think I’ve had one day this week where I don’t cry, where I don’t hate myself, where I feel like giving up, where I feel like I’m not doing enough, like I’m worthless, like I am the worst I could be, like I don’t deserve some people in my life. Please please please I ask you in tears to at least tell me if these are signs of depression. I don’t feel like quiting because I can be very determined in schoolwork but I suffer from anxiety attacks too & they have increased and visited more frequently and ever since I got one in class it’s not the same because I know right when I show up to class again my brain will start pumping adrenaline for the fight or flight and my anxiety will kick in. I no longer do my work in that class & I used to be a top student in that class. I just want to know what is wrong with me why do I have to be like this. I don’t tell anyone but my boyfriend and it’s so difficult. Today in tears himself he told me I have become distant. Please I beg you help me please. I connect to these 10 signs but I don’t want to digo nose myself with something I read on the internet. I thank you in advance & forgive me if this seems like I just want sympathy from others. I promise you I don’t I just want help.

    • Alison April 1, 2014, 12:55 pm

      Erika, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I definitely recommend that you get some professional help – the emotional extremes you’re experiencing don’t sound normal, and you’re right, you would need to see a doctor and/or therapist to help diagnose you and get you the treatment you need. I hope you’re able to get the support you’re reaching out for.

  • Pamela Rylah April 1, 2014, 12:34 am

    Wow as soon as I started to read this ..it all made sense and tears started streaming down my face . I keep telling myself I have so much to be grateful for and I do..so how dare I be un happy .but I am ..all I want is too be loved ( I am by my friends ) but I lost my partner 9 yrs ago ..and have had one relationship since ..but it ended ..and am so lonely even though Im surrounded by people I feel alone Thanks Pamela

  • biff April 1, 2014, 1:50 pm

    Im still here.

    I dont know how or why. I live in a constant state of shame, because Im a shitty mum. I dont play with my son as much as I should. I do a lot of cleaning and house running and I should make more time with him. I dont know if its the post natal depression or just because Im an asshole.
    When will this nightmare end. Who am I.

  • Beth April 2, 2014, 7:44 pm

    I have suffered for at least 30 years. I have seen countless therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, multiple medications and times when I get a little better. It seems there is always something that rocks my world that brings it all crashing down on me again. It would take a book to tell all, but to name a few: a husband that was a tyrant (this is where it all began), a husband that hung himself in my attic and left me a note to find him, a daughter who was sick from the time she was 10 years old and died July 2013 at age 34 (unexpectedly)…..well, you get the picture. It never seems to stop for very long. I found this website today when I googled. “HELP, I’m depressed.” I appreciate what I have read so far. I’m still a work in progress and I’m 58 years old. I’m so tired of being so sad.

  • Casey April 5, 2014, 6:39 pm

    It is very difficult to read this article. This is something I have long referred to as “Choleric Depression”, based on the old “Four Humors” personality guide. While Melancholic Depression would be what is expected for people to experience in depression, and what you’d find on most websites, Choleric Depression looks completely different. We work because we can’t do anything else. Our drive is still there; work is all we know. But it’s lost it’s enjoyment. I’ve tried to explain this to my friends several times only to feel at a loss when they say, “but you’re doing fine – don’t worry.” But I know better. My creativity is shot. I only feel like myself after massive amount of caffeine. And when I’m alone – it’s completely different than the quiet solitude I used to enjoy. Reading this article makes me feel like this is something real and that I’m not just imagining is. It is profound unhappiness. I look forward to reading more articles – I gotta keep busy, but you know that.

    • Jason April 7, 2014, 3:19 pm

      “Dont worry, you’re fine”…how would they know? They’re not you. “friends’ like that like to minimize you that way, just showing they’re not interested in a problem they cant see. what they really mean is “I dont see anything, dont really care” … pisses me off no end. When you’re miserable and empty, the ignorance of others is no help. (Pure experience) With that, tho, My one advice: never forget to be your own friend. You know what you want (well, most of the time: I’m runnin’ empty atm, it’s why I’m here) Last note-I know what you mean of the difference of quiet solitude and real lonliness…one is secure, the other bleak. You do not “imagine” your moods. They exist. And I wish you hope. Life’s big, life’s short…

  • Olly April 5, 2014, 10:00 pm

    It’s hard to say exactly how long I’ve lived with depression overshadowing and frankly, crippling my life. I’m 25 now and I know I should feel like my life is only just beginning, but I live each and every single day wishing it was near it’s end. I’ve felt this way since being around 15 – I feel bound by a sense of duty to others so strongly though.
    It’s so damned hard maintaining a “happy” facade during every waking moment. I’ve got it off to a fine art now, but to what cost? A friend and colleague recently said to me “Olly, you’re always so happy all the time” – I was screaming and screaming inside. I wanted to break down and just weep and weep, which is what I did in the cubicle at work.
    It’s so endearing to find that I’m not alone in this feeling; I just wonder how long I will be able to sustain maintaining a happy and productive front when I feel like my world is collapsing at my feet – because there’s one thing for certain, as soon as the will to do so is gone, I genuinely feel that there will be nothing left. And this; this, is my greatest fear of all.

    • Jason April 7, 2014, 3:35 pm

      Yowtch! If you’re literally being lauded for being a phony, you’re in the Worst job possible…and I’ve served in walmart (past tense: had a meltdown and walked off the job.). same story, really…I mean it; get another job as soon as you can! That just keeps resonating with me when y’said “I was screaming and screaming inside when..” There is a sharp difference between Integrity and Insincerity. between dedication and martyrdom. Take the first exit back to your well-being…it’s out there somewhere.

  • Isabel Krohn April 5, 2014, 11:00 pm

    So when you say “creatives”, who would that apply to?
    I feel exactly the way you described, but I’m not sure if this refering to me.
    It would help me out so much if I would be able to fully understand why i feel the way I do.
    Thank you

    • Alison January 13, 2015, 1:15 pm

      Isabel, I believe that everyone is creative in some capacity. Everyone expresses themselves through creative choices, story-telling, and meaning-making. For some, the end result is a book or painting or play. For others, the result is a life that is a work of art.

      I talk specifically about writers, artists, and creators because I am a creativity coach and those are the clients I serve. But I think that these truths – that creating makes us happy, and not creating makes us sad – hold for everyone.

  • Jason April 7, 2014, 3:00 pm

    I’ve put a lot of effort into getting even just a functional life together..but I wake up every morning with this nagging Dread that “something’s wrong” like I’ve done something horrible, or missed something..over and over I think: “what did I do? what did I miss?”….and…Nothing!!! Still Miserable. So, now, as I begin into my 40’s and I havent toughened up like everyone else well,…now I’m literally scared of feeling like this for the rest of my life. Trying to get out. Trying to do things, meet people…but I’m walking dead, and cant summon my best when i need it. Guh.

  • Elizabeth April 7, 2014, 3:22 pm

    I can’t stop crying. Just can’t figure out why I am so unhappy

    • Sylvia Escalera April 27, 2014, 1:04 am

      I feel your pain. I cry every night. I feel so alone

  • Sara Stanton April 7, 2014, 4:08 pm

    I found this post today when making a joke to myself after I did dropped my teenager at school and was on my way back get my younger boys ready and to school then myself to work…on time. I know I have depression but I never fit the stereotypical images you see so I thought “people have pneumonia and then there is walking pneumonia so I have depression but I am semi-functional so I am the walking depressed.” When I got home I googled those words and found my way here.

    I don’t know how to get out of this. The last year has been stressful and it used to be I would have random days of depression and I would just hang out in bed with a book and be fine. But the last few months have become so hard as I am dealing with my mother who has dementia that I am slipping further into my depression. I still get up and go to work yet mornings are so very hard for me. My anxiety level is through the roof and I find myself not caring about my appearance anymore. I can’t seem to care. I have gained 20+lbs in the last year and I had maintained my weight after my last child was born. I was so proud of losing that weight and then keeping it off. Now? I barely eat and the pounds add up. I have read numerous books but none are what they used to be. I am a voracious reader and lately, the books are less and less what I need. Life is less and less what I need. I am not suicidal but I find very little joy in life. I try to disguise that with humor and sometimes I do laugh but the overall feeling of my day is not happy. It’s lost. It’s out of control and it’s dark.

    I am trying hard to force myself to do the things I need to do for myself but I feel so guilty about taking more time away from my sons and my husband. I already work 9hr days and get home almost 4hrs after the rest of my family so how can I take more time away from them to go out and walk the dogs each for a total of 45 minutes? How can I be that selfish? And yet I know I need that time for me but I cannot make myself do it on a daily basis? What kind of mother and wife does that make me? I could stay up late and get in some exercise but then I am up late and I don’t get enough sleep. I know morning would be ideal to get a walk or something in but mornings are beyond hard and exhausting for me.

    It’s a never ending cycle. I can’t stop and I don’t know how to stop it without asking for help but when you are supposed to be the strong one, how can you?

    I was not intending that to come out but there it is. Thank you so much for this post. It has made me more aware of my situation and knowing I can own my depression without being pigeon holed is amazing and terrifying at the same time.

  • Not my real name April 9, 2014, 10:15 pm

    Well, this is me. Not much to add. I can’t stand my job any more and I actually have a lot of money saved and I wouldn’t even have to work for a couple years, but the problem is I’d never be able to get hired again since I’m an “old hag” at 45. And my clingy, needy mother who I live with (basically so she can remain living in her childhood home via my rent money that I pay her) would just make my not having a job be all about her.

    I have just given up on people. I don’t see other people as any source of help. It’s pointless to ask them for anything, they just ignore you or cry about their own problems. I decided not to give in to the resentment and hatred of people; I hate “God” instead. I had an epiphany one day it was very windy and the house was rattling and I thought “well, there’s something I can rely on – something with authority – Death.” People may reject you, but death always wants you as you are. Oddly once I declared myself dead in my mind, I was able to focus on my art and accomplish things. I will never be a pro artist because I hate comic books which are all in fashion, and I can’t leave my small town without my needy mom clinging to my legs, but I intend to auger in with style. I’m already dead, no need to slit my wrists. I am getting farther and farther away from this hopeless world, ironically while actually selling art and gaining fans (the only people I genuinely want to please any more).

    But that said, if I was diagnosed with cancer I don’t think I’d pursue treatment too hard. At least dying would finally get me out of my awful day job and nobody could guilt-trip me about it. There is no one, no one in my life who is capable of hearing about the real me and how dead I feel. They are too immature and/or wrapped up in their own problems to care, and I long ago learned that nothing I can do or say will make their lives better. No one around me in the “real” world cares for me or needs me personally (just slave duty).

    So, my advice to all: Declare yourselves dead. Desensitize yourselves to a broken life that doesn’t work. You are dying, spend this time gracefully. Death wants YOU personally. It’s a good thing.

  • Lori April 11, 2014, 12:19 pm

    WOW!!! Now I can see what is meant by ‘the truth hurts’! That sounds like a picture of me. Now I am trying to start my days with a quote by Bob Marley, “Keep calm and make way for a positive day!” So far it seems to be helping me a little, I still have to work at stuff but every little bit does help.

  • Kelli Van Der Nest April 11, 2014, 7:53 pm

    I think this is me. Many many strange things along the way. Mother left for lesion partner, lived away in another country, father worked or drank. Had twould siblingsto look after from 12. Father remarried twice. Did not finish school, college or the degree I took on. Had two kids with a man with bipolar!! Both children suffer with anxiety related issues!! Married an abusive, womaniser. Have never been out of work but never stuck a job for more than 4 years since having my children who are now 16 and 11. I once told my doctor I was depressed, he responded with “your too highly strung “. So off I went about my business until a mental health screening at a hospital for rheumatology!!! . Oh I failed to add I have a couple of autoimmune diseases, fibromyalgia and some problems with joints not associated with the autoimmune. But merely I work full time, take care of all that need looking after and go about my business. My psychiatrist who diagnosed high functioning depression only last month believes I am beyond pills for depression or a gastric band for the 100lb weight gain! (steroids for autoimmune don’t help!). I only contemplate suicide once a few years back but have days where I think death a saving grace for those around me! I once had enjoyment in life! Before men and children. I had horses…..but no more. Life affords no such fun. But this is me. I am definitely the walking depressed!!

  • lianne April 13, 2014, 1:20 pm

    Hello, just read most all of the comments……found this site by googeling “why am I so sad and cry all of the time?” Yes, I can relate to most every one that has commented. I have felt different, and sad for as long as I can remember….3-4 yrs old I think. I’m 62 yrs old now…..its gotten steadily worse it seems. I dropped out of high school middle of my senior year, giving up an art scholarship. Mom had me admitted to the mental ward at mn. university hospital, where at age 18 I was diagnosed with depression. After 3 months of extensive testing, group,and one on one therapy, I was feeling much better so I was released and told that I had an above average I Q, they didn’t know what was wrong with me, but that I should just go out and live my life. Great huh? Since then, I’ve been through many therapists, 4 treatment centers for addiction, many failed relationships,and many jobs. Not to mention all of the medications that maybe helped for awhile but not really. I have found this web site to be very helpful in that I don’t feel so terribly alone….thank you all for sharing your truths. I am currently on oxycodone for severe arthritic and back pain….and am thinking that it is making the depression much worse, so am going to try getting off the pain meds for awhile to see if it gets better. If it doesn’t….I just don’t think I can go on much longer…..I am trying meditation and other kinds of natural things….but nothing seems to make me feel good any more…every thing just seems bleak and unimportant. I will pray for you all and hope that we can some day some way all find peace and happiness. Best of luck and god bless,Lianne.

  • Missmm April 16, 2014, 10:45 am

    This has been me for many years, I’ve dabbled at therapy on and off but gave up after being told in different worlds that I’m coping so I must be ok. However it has gotten progressively worse, I now find myself at a point where it is affecting my ability to work, part time working helps this but I wonder at what point I am unable to cope with even that.

    As a result I’m trying to get help, and this time I want it to be the last time. I’m waiting to receive treatment but at every pit stop I get the feeling that I’m still not being taken seriously, that feeling like I don’t want to be here and the agony it brings everyday is in admissible because I can still function. I can keep a job (albeit limited), make personal relationships and because I’m not in a battle with addiction or attempting suicide my issues are minor and the approach to my treatment seems as such.

    I have found ways over the years of understanding what I’m suffering from, some methods of coping and how to identify behaviours but I have no idea how to take control of my treatment and deal with this the way I need to. This in itself makes me more depressed and is baffling, no one tells you what comes after that first step of asking for help and seeking treatment.

    • Theresa Nava April 24, 2014, 10:29 am

      Your post hits home. How do you get someone to take you seriously? How can you tell them that actually getting help is the hardest part? Where do you start and what help is the best? Coping is the zombie feeling I have all day long. I hope you get relief.

  • Lisa April 20, 2014, 3:32 pm

    It certainly is hard, when depressed, and dealing with it by doing with it; it’s harder to deal with it, though. Not to mention, smarter. Suffering is shorter, but it’s neither intelligent nor proof of any ability to suffer longer, harder, are in greater depth than is necessary. The distance from dealing by not dealing to dealing is so close – it’s only one stop on the bus – imagine then, what it must be like, to rebound after dealing by not dealing due to falling into existential despair and absolute hopelessness. It’s akin to being dead, albeit alive. And doesn’t take long before the body, assuming that it’s dead or about to be, begins to shut down.

    Regarding from that is real strength.

  • Cheyenne April 22, 2014, 7:13 pm

    This does sound a lot like me. I always figured I didn’t work on my painting as much because I was just lazy. Everything my stepfather says and almost everything my family says sounds like criticism to me. And I do have trouble looking forward to anything.

    But there’s still some doubt. Every so often there are times when I feel fine and happy. Usually they are followed by these low times. For example, when I’m with a certain few friends I always end up laughing and joking. Then later I feel disgusted with myself.

  • mari April 22, 2014, 7:40 pm

    Dealing with this now. No one knows everyone thinks I’m fine but I’m falling apart on the inside. I get up and work everyday ironically in the psych field helping others. Everything written above re sxs are true. Pride fear and every thing in between is stopping me from getting help. I mean… I’m the helper not the helpee

  • Theresa Nava April 24, 2014, 10:26 am

    Rings true

  • Kirsty April 25, 2014, 9:31 am

    I have just found this and, after 3 months of thinking and trying to work out how I have ended up here, I now understand. I have been walking with depression for such a long time and fallen into the role of Dutiful Creative. Trying to get out and keep my commitments is going to be the next challenge. Thank you for giving me insight to help me on my journey. x

  • ZeeZee April 25, 2014, 3:36 pm

    Everything will be just fine in my head after i do what is necessary. Suicide is absolutely not an option. Close though…lol

  • Sylvia Escalera April 27, 2014, 12:59 am

    PLEASE HELP. I just want to give up. No hope… I don’t give up because my family needs me. I don’t sleep or have energy to enjoy my life. I can’t work because of no sleep depression panic attacks. PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE

    • Alison April 28, 2014, 1:24 pm

      Hi Sylvia – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t help directly but I urge you to talk to a doctor, a therapist, a minister, a friend, someone near you who can help. Failing that, call a mental health hotline and talk to someone there who can help you figure out options. I’ll be thinking of you.

    • Joss September 1, 2014, 4:13 pm

      I’m not sure how to help you, but I hope you can get help. Maybe you can call a crisis hotline.
      I myself feel desperate for help many times, and wish someone could rescue me somehow. If it’s any consolation,I don’t sleep well and also have panic attacks.
      -Joss

  • crett April 27, 2014, 10:13 am

    Ive been experiencing alot of feeling lately can’t stand noise and my family what can I do to make my feeling better I was diagnosed with depression 10 yes ago.

  • Salem April 27, 2014, 8:31 pm

    I know I’m depressed. I’ve been fighting it for over a decade but I think I’ve reached a new low. I’ve always had children and others that I was responsible for, so I have not been allowed to let my depressions keep me from “walking” everyday. I guess they have been my saving grace, because if not for them I probably wouldn’t get out of bed.

  • JoJo April 28, 2014, 10:11 am

    ALL.MY.LIFE

  • Eric April 30, 2014, 4:21 am

    Wow… I’ve very recently started to recognize that I was experiencing depression, but it didn’t seem like depression in the classical sense. This just nailed it. Thank you. I enjoy knitting. but recently knitting has felt like BLAH. I work in the medical field in a community clinic for lower income persons dealing with issues like HIV/AIDS, addiction, other life effecting illnesses. I care for them, but there is also that disdain that accompanies it that they aren’t doing everything they can to improve their lives. this puts into perspect a lot. thank you.

  • Jeff April 30, 2014, 10:26 am

    Walking Depressed…like so many others this describes me. I am 52 and this is the very first time I have typed “why am I so depressed and unhappy” on the browser. I had a very strained relationship with my dad when I was a kid. My mom was the rock I leaned on back then. I was intelligent but I only got good grades in classes/subjects that held my interest. I absolutely hated high school because I was small for my age…a “late bloomer” and was relentlessly bullied all four years by a couple of the finest “student athletes.” I even attempted suicide during that time (a bottle of aspirin) and it almost worked. Sometimes I wish it had. Even though I have many talents that feeling of helplessness and lack of confidence has plagued me for most of my life. I have failed to recognize or wasted good opportunities. I have had poor relationships with the wrong kind of women, fortunately no marriage or children resulted. I’ve meandered through my life without real inspiration or purpose. I’m socially active to this day and have always flowed easily into conversations with people…most people would have a hard time telling there’s anything wrong. About 15 years ago I met the woman who would become my wife. She had lost her 1st husband to cancer and was just getting herself back together. She was so unlike others I had known. I realized all the others were takers, she had something to give. We have been married for nearly 12 years and I sometimes feel like it’s the only truly good thing I have ever done in my life. We have no children, but our love for each other is strong…I would be lost without her. My wife is a truly wonderful and good person. I shouldn’t be depressed…we are very responsible, neither of us has ever been any real legal trouble, we own our home, have some toys, and have very little debt of any kind. Like you have noted…I keep on keepin on because I feel I must…I can’t let her or myself down. I have a job that I’m very good at but there are some duties that I absolutely despise. When I force myself to do them I feel like it’s an utter waste of my time. But it’s a steady job and good jobs are hard to find in this area. There are times lately I have babbled aloud in the presence of my wife that I wish I could die…that the future holds only diminishing returns for me. She is supportive and usually manages to cheer me up…but I know it must hurt her inside. What an angel. I just wish I could get out of this rut and be a happier person.
    I can also relate to the person that commented about this world being so corrupt. We have such a utterly corrupt and criminal government in our country today…from the top down. No one seems to have any real interest in fixing it…or they are quickly subdued if they try. I only see things getting worse…I would rather leave this world than keep on serving an evil master.

  • H May 1, 2014, 4:03 pm

    I read this at work at wept. This is me and has been for decades. I could have written this article and all the emotions felt daily myself.
    I’m not alone

  • Lorena May 2, 2014, 5:44 am

    I have been like this for 10 years! But we have two young kids
    And no money to treat me in Any way! At least
    I used to be able to cry a lot And release some of
    My sadness And frustration but lately i just have
    A lump in my throat And can’t even cry anymore.
    I am sorry for my young kids who got this crappy mom!!

  • Dyan May 7, 2014, 10:54 am

    Thank you for this.

    I am 52 yrs old and have never experienced depression until this year. I’m not a creative either, but most everything in this describes me perfectly.

    Just got divorced from my best friend a few months ago after a 16 year relationship. I have children from a previous marriage. He does not and does not feel he can go through life without children of his own. I understand that and can’t blame him for it. He never cheated on me and we had nothing but joy in our marriage.

    Completely understand it intellectually — That kept me going for a couple of months and then I guess my emotions just weren’t listening to my intellect. I wake up each morning with a lead weight on my chest. I cry and then I start putting one foot in front of the other and making plans to do things…. I feel like a zombie.

    I did go to the doctor who prescribed me some anti-depressants, but I do think I need to see a therapist too. That will be the next step.

    Thanks again for writing this. As you can see, it has been helping people for two years! Nice that the thread isn’t closed either so that we can all unburden ourselves for a minute.

  • Lea May 11, 2014, 9:21 pm

    My thoughts echo many of those in the comments below — I’ve suffered various levels of depression and anxiety for years, but this time seem to be able to drag myself through my day (after all – my work is great, my husband is great, my home life is great!) but feel just as hopeless and simply ‘not wanting to be here’. I’ve thought maybe it’s not depression this time and I should buck up and think about people in worse states than I am. This has helped to give me context and support — and a few answers also.

  • Renee May 12, 2014, 12:08 pm

    Wow. I sit here, slumped in my chair, reading this and am awkwardly comforted by realizing that I am not alone. I feel selfish for feeling this way, for I know some are much worse off. I have no desire to eat, smile or laugh. Instead of beaming at how much I love my kids, I want to cry all the time because I can’t give them all of me. I hate this. So many people love me and I love them. I just feel so broken. I miss smiling most of all. It’s been replaced by just always wanting to cry. So frustrating.

    • Lea May 13, 2014, 5:42 am

      I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to help, as I don’t know what anyone can say to help me, but I hope there is some comfort in knowing you are heard and not alone.

  • Chrissy May 22, 2014, 7:52 pm

    I been searching for this for awhile now. I don’t need meds I tried and they make me tired . Then I just want to sleep. I feel a constant struggle to keep going. I have so much responsibility to fill. Being mom and a creative artist servicing peoe day in and out. I give them advice and uplift them and it’s like they suck it outta me. I come home and am exhausted from it then have to deal with everything at home. In a relationship I live with this person. And anxiety all the time cause I do everything. In so tired , all the time. Family makes me happy but sometimes I can’t focus on anything they have to say. Sometimes I fantasize about being alone . Then I wouldn’t have all this depression. If you met me you would never know. :/ I’m gonna keep going and hoping I find something to shake me out of this! Thank you

  • Jan May 23, 2014, 11:33 am

    I was very depressed for about 8 years and very close to suicide, i still had reasons to stay like my sister and my mother who i didn’t want to hurt, but since moving out the pain was growing stronger than those reasons not to do it. Since 2 years now i have a girlfriend, she is now my reason. I’m pretty sure i am still depressed but i can’t hurt my girl so i will not kill myself and i can’t be self destructive anymore, i will just keep waiting for the inevitable(and try to keep my girl as happy as possible as long as possible).

    Good luck to you all, and remember, suicide is not a solution.

  • ... May 26, 2014, 8:55 am

    Found this article and it described me better than I can describe myself.. Tears just kept coming the more I read. Wish there were more outlets for people like us.. Sick of dealing.

  • Clare R May 29, 2014, 2:18 pm

    I’m not an artist but your walking depression points are so consistent with
    My life. How do I explain this to a doctor without sounding like I’m a junkie wanting drugs?

    • Alison May 29, 2014, 2:54 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear you’re dealing with this, Clare. And you ask a great question. I think walking depression could be either major depressive disorder, persistent depressive disorder, or both. I think all you can do is describe your symptoms and work with your doctor to find the best treatment (or find another doctor if the first one isn’t helpful).

      When I described the signs in this article to my family doctor and answered her questions about my mood, thoughts, and physical symptoms, she diagnosed me with depression and offered medication. I did choose to go on antidepressants, and they helped a lot. I hope you have similar success getting the treatment you need, whatever that is.

  • susan rea May 30, 2014, 6:10 am

    I totally recognize myself here…I am so tired of just crying out of the blue for no apparent reason…my life is good ..might not be as good as others but good…

  • Lau May 30, 2014, 10:16 am

    I am a Walking Depressed person. I’m just sad, my life is sad, nothing is fun anymore. I function, I love my family, I do my everyday duties. Mind you, I’m even going to have a baby soon. And yes, I love this baby already. Still, I’m chronically sad. Only my very closest ones know how I feel inside, everyone else might just tell that I’m a little grumpy and on edge sometimes, but that’s all -nothing unusual. Every day I feel like bursting into tears, several times, and many days, I do. I couldn’t put it into words why I feel this way. I just feel that nothing really makes sense in life, nothing brings enduring happiness and fulfillment, and I can no longer find that within me. Many days I wish I was dead, but I keep going for the sake of my family.

    Funnily enough, mornings are my best time of the day, and evenings are my worst. Mornings bring a brand new start, help me to put the anxieties and gloom of the past day behind, they allow me to have new hopes. As the day progresses, my hope fades because I’m the same sad person I was yesterday.

  • Renee May 30, 2014, 4:15 pm

    I can’t help but feel this way, how do I make it stop? It’s killing me…

  • Catling May 30, 2014, 6:29 pm

    I think this maybe could be sort of me. People seem to think it’s my fault for getting overwhelmed, except my memory says this is what made me overwhelmed, or at least a big part of it. I don’t know how to cope. Everything I used to do, and everything new I’ve tried the last months hasn’t worked, except pure escape for hours. And being stuck in something isn’t safe and I know it.

  • June May 31, 2014, 10:53 pm

    Hi my name is June I’m a mother of 4 great kids my olds is 12 my baby is 5 and my hushed don’t have a job right now we live whit his mom & his brother I we relly don’t get a long but I know times are hard right now but I fill all the sings and I just can’t deal whit all this and his family but Ty for all the info u put on here I just need to right thins may be it will make me fill better idk I just need help so bad Ttyl June

  • amber June 17, 2014, 9:47 pm

    Wow. I have always known that I am a functioning depressed person, but I never knew the appropriate term. This is me. Everything you said is what I feel. I am so unhappy with where my life decisions have lead me to this point. I can feel ok one minute and the next I will be fighting off tears. I see no one has posted a comment here in a long time, maybe that makes me feel more comfortable admitting this is me too. I had a great life until 12 years ago. I met someone 20+ years older than me who has no ambition, goals or desire to go out of the normal day to day. It has completely drained me. I am a shell of who I know I really am. Everyone in my life sees this but no one can help me. I know in order to begin to lift this heavy dark cloud off me I must leave and concentrate solely on myself. I’m so tired of caring for everyone else every second of every day. I am so kind and always get kicked in the ass for it. I’ve hit my breaking point…. I can’t take this life anymore. I’m petrified to make any changes because I will need to hurt who I love. What about loving me?? I hope one day I will again. Until then I now know I am walking depressed.

  • Sofia3081 June 18, 2014, 11:54 pm

    Thank you for this article! I found a lot of interesting things, a lot of them are about me.
    So may be now I can keep up going with a bit understanding to what`s going on with me.

  • Irene Devine June 19, 2014, 12:06 am

    I am so so so a walking depressed person
    I hate how i feel

  • dena June 24, 2014, 8:54 pm

    Im so unhappy.I wish I could drink all day long to just feel numb.I am a walking depressed.is there any hope? How can a sick person help themselves. My family trys. But I am simply caustic to them.I wish could leave….but I can’t. I wish I could feel happy.but what is that? Is it even real? Why do have to live this way? I wonder what I did before….in another life time maybe….. maybe because Iwant the world to be different. Maybe because I don’t agree with pain and suffering. Maybe because I just can’t get with the program. I am autistic and have sensory processing disorder, SPD and other stuff…I need medical help but keep being denied. This is a sad sad sad way of living..so very sad.

  • JoAnn July 5, 2014, 1:59 pm

    It’s amazing reading about people who are describing in detail everything I’ve felt after reading an article describing everything I’ve felt. I’ll be 40 next month and I’m dreading it. It’s taken me this long to realize that I’ve been depressed my whole life, since childhood (mental illness runs in my family as I later found out) though it was always discounted as a bad attitude or laziness and not caring and “What does a kid have to be depressed about? Snap out of it.” I’ve never had a normal life, maybe only one or two real friends ever. I thought getting married and buying a house and having kids would make me happy and maybe for a short while it did. But after complicated pregnancies, major health issues, three autistic children and our house being foreclosed on after 12 years, I wish I’d never done it. I love my husband and kids, but HATE the life I have. We have no family support, nobody to fall back on and nobody that understands what it’s like. I wish I could get back all the time I lost. As a kid I wanted to be a writer and a drummer, two things I loved. I gave them up when I lost interest – for 17 years. I’m doing both again, just as a hobby, when I actually have the time and energy, and regret that I’d ever stopped. I could’ve really worked to make a living doing one or both, if I’d really pursued it and I regret that I didn’t. And the guilt I feel now for feeling this way is unbearable. My husband claims he’s happy, but I don’t think he really is. My kids didn’t ask to be born and now I’ve brought these innocent defenseless beings into this sick world and I’m responsible for them for the rest of my life. When my husband and I are gone, there is nobody that can take care of them. I cannot even think about this. My husband doesn’t agree he’d be better off if he’d married somebody else instead of me, but i think he would have, and I’m scared for my kid’s future. I’m trapped and all I can think most days is “what was the point?”.

  • Jackie July 18, 2014, 3:59 am

    Hello, Is anybody out there? How does this work. I cannot do it alone.

  • Fanny July 20, 2014, 9:02 pm

    I’ve walked for 5 years… And I think I still might be… Wich is why I found this article.

  • Angela July 21, 2014, 8:47 pm

    I didn’t realize until I’d read it, but this is me. I thought that I couldn’t be depressed if I was turning up to work every day and “functioning”. Inside I’m a mess and I can’t find happiness or purpose in anything. I’ve felt like this for 2 years. I try to find fault with others so I can lay blame on someone for the reason I feel this way. I feel pulled in so many directions all the time when I just want to be. I feel too many demands and every day I the struggle intensifies a little more.

  • Charlotte August 6, 2014, 7:00 am

    This is me 🙁 I have 3 beautiful children but a very unsupportive partner… I’ve been given medication but feel I’m ‘not with it’ and that’s no good for my children. I’ve had therapy for anxiety and low self esteem but I feel it would be pointless this time round because there is only me that can make decisions about my relationship. I know I need to walk away but i’ll be left in such a mess mentally, physically and emotionally and again, that’s know good for my children. Does anybody know where i could get some sort of help with this situation?

  • Emily August 9, 2014, 1:10 pm

    As hard as it is to admit, I have walking depression… deep down I’ve always known. Depression runs in my family although it’s always been some big secret. As much as I’ve always wanted to, staying in bed isn’t an option. I’ve been through some very traumatic things through my life yet I never had time to stop and take care of my mental being. I have a family, kids, people who rely on me to never let them down, and I never will. Anytime I try to do things for myself I feel selfish and undeserving. I rarely buy anything for myself but when I do I end up regretting it and return whatever it is, even if I really do need it. I hate my life and yet I have so much to be thankful for. I constantly pretend I’m ok but truthfully… I will admit to looking out the window of a moving vehicle and thinking how easy it would be to open the door and roll away. Then I snap back to reality and put on a fake happy face so my kids can’t see my pain. Besides, easy isn’t my way, it never has been. I’ve tried so hard for so long to feel fulfilled yet nothing seems to work. For a short time i felt strong and motivated from getting through the trials of my past, now that my life seems to be in order no one questions how I’m really doing, what I’m really feeling, if I’m actually happy. I should be happy, but I’m not and don’t know why, THAT is what kills me every single day of my life. I was ment for more than this wasn’t I? How do I get out of this rut?

    • shelly August 22, 2014, 7:55 pm

      I am going through the same thing. I work so hard to care for everyone around me. I dont do ‘good enough.’ I strive for perfection. I go above and beyond for everyone. Yet I feel guilty if I take the first shower or record something on our overly full dvr or purchase a new bra when the strap on mine breaks. I deny myself basic necessities and feel that any indulgence is selfish. I want to just disappear. I am talented and bright, but I use every ounce of my energy to care for those around me. I just have nothing left. I work. I have no fun. I never laugh. I have no hobbies or interest. I have no identity of my own. It feels like I am not a real person. No matter how much I help others, it feels as if I am never worthy of being helped. Is there a way out?

  • tired27 August 10, 2014, 12:04 am

    This is a good article. I have just had my meds readjusted for the umpteenth time, hoping something this time around around finally works. So tired of trying to feel okay. I dont want to live like this anymore. Wish i felt better, wish i could feel happiness, even love. Im so tired of feeling and living and my own mind.

  • Ashley August 14, 2014, 9:45 am

    I’ve been struggling through life for a while and now that I have a very loving boyfriend- we’ve been together four years now- it’s become more and more apparent to me how depressed I really am. I shut myself out from the rest of the world mainly and lived in my mind half the time. I didn’t have to include anyone then-nor the need to subject myself to loss or unnecessary hurt. Now it’s strange trying to adapt to fit him into that world because I never realized how much I’ve been putting off reality. I’ve been snapping at him for no real reason and I’ve become quite verbally abusive and it’s not who I am. I’ve never been that way. Then I read the whole “shocking” yourself into awareness and I never heard my feeling put into such a good perspective. If I’m not yelling at him I’m at his feet begging him to help me. It’s like this horrible feeling of not wanting him to leave me cause he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me…but at the same time I wish he would because I hate the person I’ve become. And he doesn’t deserve to be with somebody like that. But when I’m not this way I SEEM to be my normal self. And it’s heartbreaking to constantly jump from one trait to another without warning. I get mad because I hate myself and half the time I want somebody else to hate me outwardly too. It’s so wrong and unhealthy to live like that. It’s not fair to him either. He recently lost his mother and it’s like any emotions that I needed help with were immediately put on hold because I felt it wasn’t as bad as what he was going through. So I forced myself to ignore my own feelings. He was emotionally detached (understandably so) and sometimes falters into that stance even now. And I feel horrible snapping at him so I sometimes take it out on myself by making the situation even worse than it was to begin with. Yet he won’t hate me. So it frustrates me. I don’t get the response I wanted so I feel even worse and the cycle just repeats. The days which this doesn’t occur are blessed to me. I barely go out of the house. I don’t like talking with people since I developed horrible social anxiety from severe bullying I went through all my life. It’s hard for me to trust males because of other forms of abuse I’ve been through. And most of my family ignored any sexual abuse I went through because it was done at the hands of my oldest brother. I had to stifle all that down and bear with it because on one hand I love them but on the other I hate them and myself for it ever happening. I don’t know how it could get worse this entire thing is a gigantic mess just waiting to explode in my face. I always talk about it but I never feel like I ever get any real consolation over any of these things. Ever since he and I got together it’s been so hard. Death of my aunt, death of my cat. Then he loses his mother, his dog and his cat. It’s like there’s no break. And it’s breaking me if not him. I never felt so happy to see this explained to me. I really have been suffering from walking depression. I wanted to be a fashion designer and a writer but all those dreams were just, one day, gone. And I don’t dream enough anymore.

  • Dylan August 21, 2014, 8:26 pm

    Oh man this ran so freaking true with me every symptom was clear and concise with what I feel. I’m actually a guy but I’ve basically been feeling this way my whole life: always on the edge and when it was all said and done I just wanted to fade away because it was so hard to even try to do the simplest things because it brought so much pain. I’ve always wanted someone to try to lead me out of it all, but I could never really explain it to anybody because I fell into such a stressful straight trying to explain it successfully and not be wrong or get anyone mad that I just couldn’t get it out right. Thank you for this

  • shelly August 22, 2014, 7:42 pm

    It is really comforting to know others feel this way as well. I work from the moment I wake until late into the night. There is never time for fun. If I stop to do something I enjoy, I am taking time away from my children, husband, chores, or career. I promise myself tomorrow I will at the very least go for a walk, but I never can find the time. Life is an overwhelming and exhausting cycle where my wants and needs are never met, and honestly having needs at all makes me feel selfish. Shouldn’t I be happy to care for my family and help others??

  • Ana August 22, 2014, 7:51 pm

    Good info. I’m currently suffering from a somewhat severe case of walking depression. I don’t have much support and I’m going thru talk therapy but I feel like it’s just a waste of time. No one really understands in my circle. It’s like being in a prison and the only expression I’m allowed to show is 🙂

  • Fran September 1, 2014, 11:35 pm

    Wow, I am glad I stumbled on this post..I wish we all could keep in touch somehow. Nobody is aware of what I go through, and I am tired of putting on a happy face and pretending to care. Ana said it’s like being in a prison, and she is right.

  • S.D September 10, 2014, 2:33 pm

    Just happened to stumble across the this site while trying to find who I am although I feel that 95 % matches me I still don’t feel like it is who I am for all I know is that I would like to be one of those people who emits light and happiness in stead those that are lost in the coldness that shrouds them in blackness, were I just keep on going no knowing which direction to go in. Suicide is no good it’s for the weak and I would miss my family and it is a curse which would transfer my pain onto those I love not been a good son to my parents or a husband to my wife although my son and daughter are no longer with us I would still like to make them proud of their dad and suicide would keep me from seeing them. Suicide is out of the questions and I know I need to get my self together and that some people have it a lot worse but I don’t know who I am so how am I going to sort myself out and this is the shame I probably will have to carry . A MAN WITH NO CREATIVITY, TALANT, SKILL, OR EDUCATION SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED AND THIS IS MY CURSE. I DON’T KNOW WHY I AM WRITING THIS MAYBE SOMEONE OUT will feel my saddeness or help me find what and whom I am and be doing.

    • Bobby September 13, 2014, 7:04 am

      I hear you SD and am very sorry for the loss of your kids. Since I’m on this page because I am going through some of the same feelings, I don’t think I can help you. But my heart does go out to you. I feel your sadness

  • Bobby September 13, 2014, 5:46 am

    Great post. Finding this for the first time in September 2014. I don’t consider myself a creative person. I’m just an IT drone — there’s goes that uplifting self-talk again 🙂 But I feel that I have most if not all of the symptoms. I’ve bookmarked this page. Thanks for sharing your story and expressing this so eloquently.

  • Carly September 13, 2014, 5:52 am

    Thank you. Every line spoke to me but feeling too sad to do much about it right now. Just going to have to bookmark for later tonight xxx

  • crys September 26, 2014, 1:47 pm

    i feel i have it, but when given a anxiety quiz thing at the doc’s, they just read it, and pushed it to the back of my file.(twice)… i do feel sad and worthless sometimes, and other times, im on top of the world, wondering why i ever felt that way, and later on, deeper i sink & im back to the sadness. better described as a numb feeling, but feeling all the pain. then the physical pain from depression, achy body, no energy, etc. a week ago i started dabbling in yoga and found that a decent amount of time doing yoga, i can tell i feel better. i do hair, so i work with color, chemicals, techniques, cuts, etc, so i am very creative, and i find that my field makes depression even more real. I hear sad stories all day. husband passed suddenly, best friend hates her, dog died, car wreck, etc… ALL DAY. and i love what i do, but i find it hard to leave it all at work. It does affect me because i care about my clients. and i actually worry about them through out the days… i feel like im friends with my clients, but its one way, and they go on happy, and here i am stressed, faking it until i make it. and then the thoughts are, ill fake it all my life, becasue im not good enough to “make it”….. and its a vicious circle and sometimes i think im crazy lol… silly… why would someoen care so much about others, that it effects me so much- people just dont do that, that im aware of. idk if its really normal. i absolutely love my job- 100% without a doubt, wouldnt want to do anything else, but i need help with finding out how to deal with other peoples problems, and i te;ll myself, not my monkeys, not my zoo. not my problem. its not my life, its theirs, and they will deal with all of their issues just like i do mine. but its not that easy. my circle continues to spin. and i sit here at my station, numb, staring into space… wondering and always doubting my happiness…

  • Rick Jones September 29, 2014, 8:42 am

    I’m a man, so I hope it ain’t too bad of me to post here. No meds or therapy have ever helped. At first, there’s this glimmer of hope, then you find that it’s not gonna help and that drops you back below square one. At almost 54 years old, I’ve battled this so long. I’ve written several novels, novellas, screenplays, etc. Won some international awards, but never took anything to the publishing stage. I’ve also written thousands of songs, play many instruments and made a few records and cd’s. Also composed a soundtrack for a film. Everything died. I no longer have a desire for any of the above activities and havent for 5 years. Maybe I’m just simplifying my life. I would love to feel happy again.

  • Nathan Drake September 30, 2014, 3:30 pm

    I find myself to be in the exact issues that you’ve mentioned. And I know I’m late, but I wanted to sincerely thank you for putting this out there, where I can finally get a word for what I’m going through, Walking Depression.

  • Anonymous October 3, 2014, 6:03 pm

    There are many of us who cannot afford to quit our “draining government job”. It’s called having enough money to not be homeless, to pay for food I can actually eat (and doesn’t make me sick because of my food allergies), to pay for my used car, health insurance, and enough money to set aside so I’m not poor and old someday.
    I am responsible for my actions, but not for my emotions. Emotions happen, and you keep living regardless.
    There is a difference between being an artist, and making a living from art. The first creates because it makes life worth living; the second spends 95% of their waking life as a self-marketer, making art when there’s time or money for food. I would rather spend another 100 years at my day job than become a 23-hour-a-day marketer.
    I might be unhappy, but I am also very lucky. Many, many people are not nearly as fortunate.

    I’m not even sure that artists are supposed to be happy. If we were happy, why would we make art?
    I know you won’t post this. That’s ok.

    • Alison October 4, 2014, 9:08 pm

      I’m happy to post your comment, Anon – it’s so true that there are economic realities that limit people’s options and leave them with really hard choices to make about how to survive. There’s definitely a hierarchy of needs, and it’s difficult to tend to the need for self-actualization when basic needs for food, shelter, and security are more pressing. I also think that any small amount of creativity that we can make room for will have a positive effect – as you say, one does not have to make a living at art, it can simply make life worth living.

      As to your question about art and happiness, I would say that many happy people make art from a desire to do challenging, satisfying work, to express themselves and engage with the world. Yes, unhappiness can give us some drama and conflict to work with, but it also saps our energy and our sense of meaning, which makes it harder to get into the flow state. I do think we can take responsibility for our emotions, because emotions are a response to our thoughts and outlook on the world, which we do have the ability to change.

      I wish you all the best, Anon. Thanks for sharing your perspective here.

  • Paola Noguera October 8, 2014, 4:34 am

    I am depressed all the signs have been there from elementary my family and teachers said there was something wrong with me and placed me in special Ed. As I kept growing the feelings never changed they just got stronger my family thinks I’m crazy and it’s all in my head. I tried to change telling myself there was something was wrong with me so I would push all my negative thoughts away giving a smile to all but in the inside I just wanted to vanish from the world. Pretending only last a while and then back no matter how hard I wish I didn’t. I wish they understood that I truly fight with myself every day to not be the way I am I hate it and hate the way they look at me like I’m insane. After I read the signs I notice that I can’t help them if I can nearly help myself at the moment.

  • I. October 9, 2014, 5:39 pm

    Hi, I think I’m walking trough depression, I don’t have friends, just my twin sister I’m 14 years old, i feel so sad becauae I don’t know how to make friends and I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to.My twin has her friends and I don’t have anyone. I feel so lonely and sad. I feel like crying everytime. And I know that this might sound ridiculous but I feel very very sad and empty and cry everytime 🙁

    • T November 13, 2014, 5:19 pm

      Have you ever gone to the site rookie mag.com ? It’s a great place for teenage girls to connect and get tips on this type of stuff from peers. Keep your head up! It will get better!

  • Tina M. October 11, 2014, 10:01 am

    God bless u always. How do u do it? I’ve gone from completely debilitating, suicidal (x2) clinical depression to walking depression….I guess. Stopped trying, cuz I can’t think of a sure fire method that will work. Pills didn’t do it and I don’t want to be a vegetable for my family to take care of forever. I know they’re sick of me…I’m sick of myself. I just want it to be over. I was not like this before my accident three yrs ago. I had my moments, as we all do, but generally was the most upbeat, happy person on the planet. I have so many physical problems that are fairly uncommon. Most drs aren’t even versed on them. They carry with them depression and anxiety. I don’t LOOK sick, so no one thinks I am sick…only in the head. Dysautonomia and autoimmunity are complicated. I’m sick of being labeled (or so it feels) a hypochondriac. I’m just so ready to be done. I don’t want to try any more.

  • Michael Cole October 15, 2014, 4:35 am

    Have been clinical depression in the past. Now I function but have ALL the conditions listed. Very unhappy.

  • Danelle October 18, 2014, 4:32 pm

    I am struggling so much right now as the mom of a toddler with a completely unsupportive partner. I really just want to take my princess and leave him even if it means going to a shelter. He does not work (his mom is paying our rent) and he does not participate in either of our lives much at all except for playing with our daughter for maybe a half hour or so a day, and spending a few minutes talking to me in hopes he can convince me to have sex – but only if he is in the mood. I have been trying to find a part time job lately with no success and he takes this as a sign from God that I should not work outside the home! But he does not and will not work, I have to provide almost all the food with food stamps and WIC then MY FATHER brings us food bank food as well as supplying diapers and whatever else is an absolute need. Baby daddy goes and recycles stuff to buy cigarettes for us (me – 5 a day or less, he – the rest of the pack BUT I GET CRITICIZED AND TOLD MY SMOKING COSTS US TOO MUCH MONEY! LOL but it is not funny, really) and other little stuff for him. In four years he has never gotten me even a card for my birthday or in the two years of my being a mom the same, no mothers day card or anything. Yet if I want to leave all of a sudden I am a child stealer. I had a life before. I want my life back. This is no way to live with a man who doesn’t care his child’s mother is hurting as long as he can play with his pretty daughter for a few minutes every day. I need to leave and I hope I have the strength to someday before my little girl gets old enough to wonder why is mommy so miserable all the time!

  • no name October 19, 2014, 9:48 pm

    Everything in this article is so true and definitely the alcohol part… Now I see why people become alcoholics… If only there was a cure for this.. But my biggest problem is I want to cure this problem but I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want to be treated differently or be put on the spot.. Guess I will go day to day and just look forward to Friday nights because of the alcohol…

  • Rick October 20, 2014, 8:52 pm

    Wow. Other people feel like this…

  • martin October 21, 2014, 5:33 am

    SAD AND LONGING TO DIE BUT TOO SCARED ….
    i have longed from as far back as a remember wanting to die from putting a knife to my throat when i was a child and by myself , thinking if i jumped out of a tree i would kill my self all i did was break bones and covered my killing my self thoughts with accidents hurting myself felt good made me feel i was punishing my self for the feelings i had… i have always felt i dont belong on earth and it was not my time to come here sounds stupid dont it but ive lived with it for over 40 years i have let life make me who i am i have wondered through life dealing with the crap its given me like a ghost even to date no one knows how much i long not to be here but death scares me i crave it but just scared , i find my self browsing the wed just looking for a easy way to let it all go and all i received and all the info is judgmental doing it for attention . but i have not i just want to sleep and never wake up i have kids who i love a wife i love so much and loves me back so much but this feeling inside of not belonging on planet earth hurts when days i just seem like im watching a tv and just going along in life it never feels like it me . me who is inside dam why do i feel like this and why do i feel this way …
    im loving and do anything for others and never in my life asked for anything in return but i feel life has shaped me not me shaping my life its always one thing or another i just need to sleep thats all and never open my eyes but then i think what if what about my family i feel im cheating them from happiness with a father .my responsibilities have a hold i just can not let go but i so just want to people say you’re depressed but blah blah blah but surly the urge just to forget living is not a crime god gave me a life and ive never wanted it so surly its mine to do as i will this post best describes myself and i now know Walking Depression is really what i have i walked through my life and i let life shape my future yet at every door way stands me just waiting to walk through the door and say here i am but i have never had or been give a opportunity to develop what or who i really am worked all my life so ive become a robot to work pay bills etc etc and i hate myself for been to honest and putting other people b4 myself i sit here thinking i should just do it and worry about it when it comes a bit like looking at a roller coaster it looks scary but once your on your in for the ride , please don’t judge all this crap i put thinking im just some sad depressed man who seeks attention in 40 years no one at all has ever released or knows my thoughts but my question is my feeling inside that says i dont belong here on earth and it was too soon for me to come why o why do i feel this im not religious i dont believe in life after death or heaven or hell i look at my life and think why … just why
    i dont drink i live for my family i am honest as the day is long i have never done harm yet i have never let anyone know what i felt inside but i felt this Walking Depression best described me Walking through life with Depression

  • Q October 22, 2014, 9:48 pm

    I am one of this walking depressed….for so long, I am about to breakdown. Couldnt reach out for help. Feel like no one can help. Even the man I love the most tells me “you are the one who controls your own happiness. You have everything others envy, how can you have reasons not to be happy?” I understand all, yet I just can’t feel happy. Depressed, deeply depressed, yet can’t help myself and let it out.

  • Mari October 23, 2014, 7:55 am

    So funny I found this today , I figured out 2 days ago I’m totally depressed ! This just proves me right

  • Guy October 23, 2014, 5:48 pm

    It worries me that all these comments are from women, i dont want to sound sexist at all! but im a man and i fell like crap everyday and can only numb the pain with the comfort of others cause i feel i cannot express myself around them. that way i dont need to talk just listen, i just wanna feel happy for once and every place i turn there is someone saying something didnt and i feel so confused and embarrassed cause im supposed to be strong, why does it have to be like this. i just wanna smile for once.

  • Dana October 25, 2014, 9:09 am

    This article has really hit home for me. I have battled depression all my life, but I have always been the type that just keeps going. I just keep on doing what everyone else needs me to do so. I look after everything and everyone around me, and say to myself…one day, one day when I get done taking care of everyone else I will do something that makes me happy. But I never get done, and the older I get the more I feel like I am missing out on so much in life. I am beginning to feel trapped in so many ways and feel resentment toward alot of the things that I feel are trapping me. Sad thing is I just don’t know what to do about it. I just keep going, doing what I have to do so everyone else’s lives will go smoothly, even though I feel this huge emptiness inside of me. And if I think about how I feel too much, I end up feeling selfish for even thinking about my own happiness. I know I need to change somehow, but I just don’t know where to start.

  • Rob October 26, 2014, 9:34 am

    This is me. I’m depressed. Was in a bored relathipnship; got sick and needed three operations; wife left me after the third operation; went through the whole divorce – met someone else ….. Stupidly fell in love ….. That ended harshly. …. Then WHACK. Everyhing above hit me and hit me hard. Dark clouds all around. My only goal is my focus is on taking a year out traveling asia. Quitting my job …. Selling my car ….. But I’ve got to do it. I’ve got to see life…. Taste the air …. Live again. Becuase if I dont ….. I darnt think what I’d do. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith in life.

  • Iz October 27, 2014, 2:28 am

    Wish I was brave and strong like you guys so I could still function in my daily life. This article is complete bullshit. Just a way for you guys to give each other back pats. That’s not real depression, it’s called being an emo fucking tool.

    • Cat November 8, 2014, 7:27 am

      No. I understand that you might be going through something that’s different than us but this is still depression. As much as many of us don’t want to admit it it is. I am so depressed. I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve though about committing suicide just so I wouldn’t have to feel this way any more. The only reason why I don’t is because I know I need to take care of my family. So instead I pretend that nothing is going on and I put on a brave face so others can’t see just how awful I feel. Sure this may be a site for giving each other “back pats” but it’s because we need it. I need it. I need to know that I’m not alone and that I’m NOT the only one going through this. This site is to help us. So I know this sounds cliche but if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. Because if you do, you’re just going to bring us down even more.

      • Alison November 13, 2014, 10:50 am

        I love your fierce response, Cat. Normally I would remove a comment like Iz’s because it is unkind, but I’m going to leave it with your reply because I like the way you spoke up. You’re right – we are not alone. And clinical depression has different levels of severity, but it’s still real when it negatively impacts our lives and impairs our abilities.

      • Amber December 15, 2014, 8:39 pm

        Great response Cat.

  • Frank Walsh October 30, 2014, 8:34 pm

    I can’t thank you enough. As soon as I began reading I felt the key slide into the lock. I have now emailed two separate page links from the site to myself to read slowly and carefully. It all rings true. I’ve wrestled with my creativity for years, and earlier tonight I was crying why must I be so restless, so hungry and so creative? Fifteen minutes a day is not enough, and things must change. I will keep you posted, and I thank you once again.

  • Tyler November 1, 2014, 4:15 pm

    i’ve spent the past year like this. trying so hard to make the people in my life happy and now that theres noone left; i feel hollow. a bit of background. my girlfriend almost a year ago now tried to kill herself. i walked into the bathroom and saved her life, she gave me this look of resentment i can never forget. ever since shes been dating this guy who has taken everything from her and i still do so much for her trying to make her happy. at the cost of my own peace of mind i fight forward trying to keep her going. now i’m not only struggling with fighting off my pervasive apathy (which has completely stunted my creativity as a writer), i’ve been dealing with her boyfriend threatening to kill me, watching every step i take. yes people are following me i know because he tells me exactly what im doing at a particular moment just to remind me. i can’t handle it anymore but i dont know what to do. i love this girl with all my heart. i can’t leave her to that bastard, and if anything happened to her id be not too far behind. sometimes i pray for help. but others i thank god for her safety. i just want to move forward with my life but i can’t do it. i cant allow her to suffer that’s why i deal with people watching my every step, with the constant fear of a bullet in my back. i don’t know if i’m depressed or i’m just a miserable human being but i cant find peace anymore. i can’t even be pleasantly happy when i’m drunk. (which i am very much so atm) i know i’m not a woman but i’ve never had many guy friends, maybe one of you will know my pain and relate to my situation a bit. god bless all you struggling souls i wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

    • Judith December 2, 2014, 10:30 pm

      She’s so totally not worth it. Move on.

  • Stacey November 2, 2014, 6:20 am

    Thank you for writing this….just thank you. For years I have been unable to pinpoint what is “wrong” – I just knew something wasn’t right and I kept marching along like a good soldier. I finally feel like so me thing is breaking open within me. Thank you.

  • Luka November 3, 2014, 12:56 pm

    Hello the 10 signs of walking deppresion sums me up perfectly I feel like I am going to die inside but instead I still put up a happy face for the sake of my friends and family I have been like this for quite a while now I am currently 17 I don’t want to seek proffesional help you could say I am in ”denial” and I would like to help my self when I am out with friends or family I don’t feel any happynes I feel numb and I have mixed feelings about everything when I am in work my coworkers are horribile and they just keep messing with my mind but I still do what I am told I am not suicidal I want to live and feel happy but I don’t know how to do so

  • April-Rose Diaper November 5, 2014, 1:56 pm

    This sounds like me though im not sure it applies I work jn banking but I love to draw. So not sure it’s creative plus im only 20 I think im to young for depression?

    • Stephanie November 9, 2014, 7:30 pm

      depression can start at 15

    • Alison November 25, 2014, 2:37 pm

      I’m glad to hear from you, April-Rose. I don’t think 20 is too young for depression, so if you think the signs apply to you then I would definitely encourage you to get whatever help you can from a doctor, therapist, or mentor. And the signs don’t just apply to creatives, although if you love to draw you sound creative to me 🙂

      I hope you can look after yourself and find some healing from your sadness.

  • alex November 7, 2014, 1:57 pm

    I dont consider myself a creative but i feel like this every consciousness moment.

  • Caitlyn November 8, 2014, 7:17 am

    I’ve been dealing with this for a while and I didn’t really realize that I was depressed until a couple moths ago when I started getting way worse. Over the past few years I’ve fooled many people (including myself) into thinking I was okay and recently the only thing I’ve been wanting is for someone to see through this mask that I’ve put on and realize that I’m not. I’ve started talking to my guidance counselor at school.. But other than him I don’t really have anyone to talk to. My family is super religious and believes that if you are depressed that it’s a sign that your relationship with God is failing. I can’t talk to my mom or my dad ( since he’s not really in the picture ). I don’t know what to do. I’ve been feeling so awful recently but I.. I don’t know what to do.

  • Desiree November 9, 2014, 10:59 am

    I did a googled search asking why I feel angry and depressed despite having a wonderful life and this page came up. I am a mother of 2 (ages 5 and 3), I have a wonderful husband who works his tail off to provide for us, and have everything that I could ever want. So why am I angry and depressed despite my wonderful life? The first and obvious answer was depression, but why? What do I have to be depressed about? I have had a very rough life up to this point and I know that. However, I don’t see these things that I went through as a weakness. I see them as a strength because I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for having gone through the things that I have. I have an entire list of things that have happened that would take too long to write out but at the end of the day, I know that it’s these things that have made me a stronger person. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get my head up. Sure, to everyone else my head is held high but it’s almost painful to hold it up there. I keep telling myself that I need a day to myself but then wonder what I would do. I love crochet and crafts but when I sit down to do them, I get bored. I want to do nothing but then get bored with doing nothing. One might classify it as walking depression, but I don’t have the time or the money to see anyone about it and all they usually want to do is put me on medication that I can neither afford or even want to take. I have exhausted all other traditional methods for this and still come up with nothing. I have a tried a walk on the beach and I get bored with it. I have sat down to read and get bored. I have exercised to the point of exhaustion and still nothing. When I do get an opportunity to talk to someone, they only tell me things that I already know like “it will get better” or “you just need some time for yourself”. I rarely get time to myself (probably twice since my kids were born) and when I do, I don’t know what to do with myself because everything I think of gets boring before I’ve even started.

    • Stephanie November 9, 2014, 7:28 pm

      I understand the feeling of getting bored and low quickly. I’ve given up talking to people about it because I hate hearing ” oh don’t worry, it will get better” yea how do you know! and it doesn’t get better. I’ve tried different medications and still feel down or too up with anxiety. I’m going to keep trying medications; but talk therapy has helped me over the years even if its slight. Just know that many people have felt this way before and many have conquered these feelings. Thats what help me keep going.

  • Stephanie November 9, 2014, 7:22 pm

    Thank you for this well writen walk through what walking depression is. The part where one must admit that they are not superwoman hit home for me. Being one of the “better” siblings, I’m the girl who is trying to keep this dysfunctional family together but its too hard for one person. I have walking depression and I’m choosing to admit this first to this community before admitting it to the people I’ve lost touch with over the tough couple of years. I’m ready to admit reality, wish me luck 🙂

  • Jackie November 14, 2014, 3:18 am

    Thank you for writing this it makes me feel as though I am not quite so alone. I am a 46 year old single Mother of 2 beautiful daughters one who is 25 years old this year and the other who is 12. I have some issues with how my life turned out and wonder where all the excitement and dreams of youth disappeared to. I am constantly nostalgic and sad for the person I was at 16, I realise how strange that sounds but I had so many friends back then and so many hopes…… While I am devoted to my daughters and I plod along with my boring job and pay the bills I cant help feeling extremely lonely and sad all of the time. Ive become a “what if?” shadow of a woman. One of my close friends (from years ago), died last year from cancer. This has broken my heart even more, he was married and I hadn’t really been close with him for years but I cannot get over his death at all. I really think its the past and the time when I was truly happy that I am mourning. I have had the opportunity to make friends since the old days but for some reason kept a distance and never make an effort to keep in touch with them. Sorry for rabbiting on but once again thanks for this.

  • Deb November 15, 2014, 4:20 am

    This describes me as well and has since my teens really. I’m 36 now and in a place where my life has no meaning and feels like a waste. I think it’d be good if souls could be recycled. I would donate mine to someone who could make better use of mine.

  • lynnette November 19, 2014, 5:37 pm

    I am a single mom…trying to care for my 3 kids. I was recently put on medication for depression. I am so tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m definitely worse at night then the day. I get up go to work come home make dinner do homework and baths and clean up but I can’t get to my room fast enough to curl up and cry to tell myself just how worthless I really am. How it doesn’t matter how hard I work or how hard I try I will always struggle and be alone… I just want this to be over… So tired

  • chorith November 23, 2014, 3:46 am

    Oh god, I am exactly in the post. -_-

    Feeling so down right now.

  • Gene Dallinger November 24, 2014, 4:38 pm

    I to not enjoy life anymore, married to a wonderfull women an I do not want to bring her down, Jam just tired of my health, putting up with arthritis heart problems, ptsd. Had a step daughter who was a big problem. I have just had it. IAM 71 an just so sad life itsnt fun no more.

  • Warren November 25, 2014, 4:28 am

    I know the listed feelings above. I thought they were unique to me. I want to run as far away as I can from me. I can’t though. I am my own trap

  • Jess November 25, 2014, 11:39 am

    This sounds like me, I’m too personal to post much but I’m also scared to tell my parents, I’m going doctors to see what they say

  • sarah November 25, 2014, 10:01 pm

    I have walking depression and some will never understand just because i get out of bed and keep going doesn’t mean im not suffering baddly

  • Rachel's mom November 30, 2014, 11:38 am

    Trying to cope again. Her birthday came again-11/27. She took her life 6 yrs ago. She is my daughter. I was looking for her here. All of us have it – we all take drugs. We all do the best we can. Its horrible hateful decease that robs you of so much joy. A head injury made it worse for her. We could not reach her. It sucked her down, she had no strength to fight anymore. She was 30 when she gave up. Now we all hurt so much more. we know we’re alive. we feel the waves of hurt and come up for air in between. that is what her familiys life has become. Grasping each other and hanging on until the next wave sucks us under. We are all productive, managing, hanging in there for the kiddos we are lucky enough to be blessed with. But damn the depression-don’t let it win- don’t pass it on -fight like hell. thats all i can give right now- im just struggling to get back to the surface- thank you for caring.

  • sher November 30, 2014, 6:52 pm

    I don’t know what to do. i just want to run away and die somewhere.

  • Judith December 2, 2014, 10:26 pm

    I am 61 and would so love to stop working. All my jobs are totally meaningless, I’m doing temp shift work, working at night because it’s the only way to make enough to not quite pay the bills, paycheck from the agency last week, the best of the year, got lost in the mail, I had to leave work last night, first night of a month booked ahead, because I got sick. All I have in my life are my dog and cat, they are the only people who love me. If I get so run down I can’t take care of them, I will have nothing at all. I could get some money from my family of origin, but they have been the source of so many betrayals that I’m afraid to ask. But the thought tantalizes me. I feel like it’s all downhill from here.

  • Jo December 4, 2014, 9:12 am

    You describe me perfectly. I am so responsible for everything that I’ve forgotten who I was and am today. Nothing, and I mean, nothing excites me although I keep trying to be positive and put on a good positive front. I’ve worked full time for 40 years and still am still the sole financial support of my family. I can be very creative, and have projects that I enjoy but I lose interest quickly and need to keep reminding myself that it’s OK to take time for myself, that’s after I’ve sat on the coach and don’t want to get up. I lose myself in TV because conversation has become so boring and uninteresting and not fun. My husband has been retired on disability our whole marriage, he is very creative but gave that up a long time ago and i have become his sole source of everything, company, entertainment, opinions, and cynical his debbie downer soap box conversations. He is the glass half empty and I try desperately to keep that glass half full, I’m emotionally exhausted from giving everyone those old pats on the back and hoorah conversations. I can’t stand it anymore. I feel like the walking dead sometimes, just moving instinctively. I can’t remember when I had a real belly laugh and I love those. I can’t remember the last time I was not acting like me and just being me. Thanks for listening.

  • Sean casey December 8, 2014, 2:11 pm

    I am a coward because I can’t kill myself ! Happy all these other people have come to terms with their loss.

  • Diane Caron December 10, 2014, 3:02 pm

    This is exactly how I feel…I’ve been like this for years now. Am on medication for depression, saw a shrink for years, have been hospitalized over a dozen times…nothing really works in the long term. I get no joy from anything….not even my grandchildren. The guilt I feel over this is overwhelming. I don’t ever want them to know I feel this way. I can’t write anymore right now…can’t stop crying. I’m just so tired.

  • Stan December 11, 2014, 7:22 am

    Upon reading the description of walking depression, I have it all down to a ‘T’. I first encountered this depression after living with nightmare manipulative room-mates, until one comitted suicide in front of me. After that, I was able to move out to a new place then I just shut myself off from all aspects of socializing – not long before then, I basically was forced to move to a really small town with my retired folks. I actually and physically spent 1 entire year in my same bedroom, because dreams felt better than reality. Only went out to use restroom, eat, or went out to town like once in a month or a blue moon. Then in my darkest moments, I confronted myself with a simple choice that changed everything: Do I give in? Or do I keep going?

    Suddenly, it was a moment that disorder turned to order; clarity reached new heights as I stared on, deep in thoughts. I made a step by step plan to go to new school, study new interests specifically for a job that would make the most money. Buy a house, lease it out to pay off the mortgage and all that. It is still my plan.

    I now work as a volunteer, and I am still an outsider to this small town. Still live with my folks, and my older brother who has special needs. Still no relationship or no friends. I don’t trust anyone. Long story short, after one successive stress after another – all my feelings felt wiped out to a point I can detach or depersonalize my feelings that I can somehow feel I have developed sociopathic tendencies in that I focus on living my day in one mission to the next. That’s all there is. One hell to the next. The only thing that keeps me going is my plan.

  • Amanda's Gray December 11, 2014, 3:08 pm

    Oh wow, thank you- I feel as if you were talking about me- i am not alone in this strange isolation. My maternity leave is coming to an end and for the past few months I’ve felt sad, disinterested, lethargic, discontent and a shadow of my former self . I believe much of this has to do with my husband, who drains the joy from any situation, by being negative about everything I do and say. Being a usually strong woman I have chosen to sell be with him, for the sake of the children, and I felt that I was able to maintain harmony / ignore him pushing my feelings to one side as my children’s need for a father are greater than mine for anything. I am still doing this, but recently have noticed that I’m not taking care of my appearance anymore like I used to, I feel fat and ugly and so just wear the same baggy clothes most days and minimal make-up. I feel invisible. I used to love socialising, country walks and visiting historical places, but now I can’t even be bothered to leave the house, apart from doing the school run. I don’t have the enthusiasm I had for anything anymore. It’s like I don’t know me- I’m so boring. I don’t feel like killing myself, on the contrary I am usually worrying about dying and am calculating how old my children will be if I live to various ages – I want to be around to see them grow up etc. I feel as though I appear happy and normal to everyone else, I chat and laugh- but as soon as I leave them I become deadpan once again . A walking depressed. I’ve thought about going to the doctor, but wouldn’t know where to start and worry that he’d doubt me as I don’t / can’t appear depressed infront of others. Not sure what to do now- maybe I’ll feel better once I’m back at work?

  • Julia December 15, 2014, 6:49 pm

    I felt like someone knows me finally.
    I’m exhausted living the motions.

    Thank you for articulating my feelings.

  • Amber December 15, 2014, 8:17 pm

    I cried when I read this article. Because well, I’m depressed. Sarcastic humor aside, it was more so the part about not making real connections because you put up a front, which is exhausting in itself. Secondly, the bit about caffeine and alcohol. Thirdly, the part about wasting your life. I find myself constantly asking the question, “What am I doing with my life?” And feeling like I have nothing to live for. And lastly, admitting that you have walking depression. The part where it talks about uncovering grief or anger at those around you for not seeing and taking better care of you. That was really the topper for me. All in all, it’s finally nice to know about this type of depression because it isn’t the stereotypical depression that you think of when you hear someone say they are depressed. But what if everyone feels this way? And this is considered normal? Unlike the other types of depression that hinder peoples abilities to function in life.

  • danielle December 20, 2014, 4:07 pm

    I am am a depressive walker right now. I’ve been dragging on for an awful long time with faulty negative thinking. I don’t look forward to waking up and I don’t look forward to any aspect of my day or life. Everything feels like a chore that I’m forced to smile through and pretend to be happy so I can achieve the ultimate appeasement of others. I do not want to burden them. But that’s how I feel – a burden who’s in everyone’s way. I’m an aspiring copywriter and am working on a creative writing degree right now, but my confidence and faith that someone will hire me to write all day is paper thin. Everything on this site fits me to a t. Medication and therapy for my anxiety and depression have been ineffective because I always worry about side affects and being too dependent on their remedy. I don’t sleep very much and have had a hard time falling asleep my entire life. I think the worst part is I do communicate my sadness and hopelessness but neither my family or friends believe me to have anxiety or depression. That makes me feel my thoughts and opinions are even more insignificant to the operations of everyday life. I am one very insignificant burden.

    • Abby January 19, 2015, 7:17 pm

      It really saddened me to read your comment. I feel the exact same way. Everyday I feel as though I’m hiding behind the tears of a clown. It’s odd how many people feel similar things but nothing ever hits the surface because it’s considered weak to wear your heart on your sleeve. I was on meds for my anxieties as well and I felt the same way as you, thinking about the side effects and possibly becoming dependent. I hope things make its way around for you. Perhaps a change in routine…but yes easier said than done. Keep on surviving love!

  • Stacey December 21, 2014, 2:54 am

    I’m glad so many of you have connected with this term the “walking depressed” in this lovely written post. Hopefully it has gotten some of you to doctors and therapists. The reason you cannot relate to the depressed that can’t get out of bed, shower, or leave the house because that is a severe depressive episode.
    The clinical term for what you all seem to have (obviously not EVERYONE) is dysthymia. And it is a less severe form, but still a form, of depression and there ARE ways to treat it. I only know this because I swing between the two. I do have to agree that the way the article read, when talking about people in a severe depressive episode, was extremely offensive. You did talk about the stereotype, yes, but it was the way in which you talked about how you were “stronger” because you went about life taking care of your duties. Maybe there is a way in which you could word this that you still connect to those that are dysthymic while not offending (and making feel worse) those which are in a worse place?
    I’m glad so many of you say “I would commit suicide except for my family.” That sounds odd, but it means you know you are valued and needed. You know it would make people sad. Most of those that really do it (or those that try and live) think that people would be better off if they were no longer alive. That they are a burden and would not upset anyone all that much if gone. It means there is a spark of worth left in you. Get some help and work from there.
    If this f-up medical system we have allows you to, of course. Good luck to all, especially around this holiday season that can feel so stressful and commercialized. I think our society these days, focusing on things and not community is a big part of what is contributing to much of this. Learn more about the “flow state” that is described in this article. It seems it can make a big difference on the mental state of those that can achieve it on a regular basis.

    • Alison January 13, 2015, 2:52 pm

      Hi Stacey – thanks for taking the time to comment, and I appreciate your encouraging tone. I have revised the article to make it more neutral and non-judgemental when distinguishing between low-grade and severe depression; I think that was a valid criticism.

      I think what I’m describing here as walking depression could be dysthymia (or what is now called persistent depressive disorder), which is where a person’s depressed mood continues for at least two years.

      It could also be clinical/major depression that is mild or low-grade, where sufferers are functional but still impaired and negatively affected by depression. In that manifestation, the depression is harder to recognize.

      And I agree that experiencing flow can be very therapeutic, although it’s often a chicken-and-egg thing – you’re depressed because you can’t reach flow, and you can’t reach flow because you’re depressed. I was in treatment for depression for over a year before I could even read a book again, let alone write in flow. But getting there made it all worth it.

  • msr December 22, 2014, 6:48 am

    it’s strange to see these comments, and see how many people are suffering. i feel so much pain for all of you, knowing how unbearable and suffocating it can be. i know i am far from getting there myself, but i hope everyone who endures this can overcome it one way or another.

    if there is something that always makes you feel better when you feel like this, please comment. after all this sadness being shared, it seems right to also mention the parts where it gets easier.

    i feel happier when i see my family dog, and how she is always so excited to see everybody. her love and joy never seems to run out. i feel happier when i take a long shower after crying, and i wash away all my tears. i feel happier listening to music, and forgetting to think just for a few minutes by myself.

  • Andrew December 24, 2014, 7:51 pm

    Kind of an odd twist on your post here, but I used to consider myself a creative person…well I am a creative person, but I hate crafting. I hate the work of writing, tried photography and it was too technical. Tried singing and can’t remember lyrics, even easy ones. Doesn’t matter…my creativity works in different ways, and what I really beat myself up for is not being an academic, not doing that which I actually love. Society is a major factor in that (where are the jobs?) and the walking depression you describe, substituting creativity with something else, is very well done. What I get from this post is the very helpful term “walking depression,” and I see myself in that description. Thank you for that. It will help me with my next adventure in therapy. Mix it with existential depression and you can slap the labels on my forehead and put me on display 🙂 Peace.

  • Steff December 30, 2014, 3:15 pm

    Hi. I found your post really helpful. I’ve been feeling sad about life lately, but didn’t want to label it ‘depression’, as I usually am a happy person. However, I’ve been having more and more of these moments lately, so I suspected something is wrong. Thankfully, your post cleared it for me – I am a creative who is depressed.

    One of my problems (and I didn’t think it was related) is that I cannot write. (I’m a writer.) I have all the good ideas, I write about 20 000 words, then decide it’s not good enough writing, and stop. Therefore, I’m major-ly creatively depressed. I’m going to research how to help myself.

    If you have any more advice or helpful posts, please recommend them. Thank you, again.

  • amandA January 3, 2015, 12:00 pm

    I used to be so happy. I don’t know where I’m going in life anymore. I don’t know what I want. I dont even feel like myself anymore. I can’t even enjoy going out. All those things describe me. I don’t know what to do.

  • nicole January 4, 2015, 3:10 am

    I know im only 15 but I feel lost but ill make it he I have no choice.

  • Nox January 5, 2015, 3:31 pm

    I’ve felt this when I was young and with many years it got through it. But now, after like 2 years without counting on it, I just hit the bottom again, out of nowhere…
    I was happy for finally being able to do what I had to, to enter the course I wanted (something I wanted but couldn’t even care to do before). And now, after months of it, almost ending the first phase, I just got back to this and I’m going crazy, ’cause I don’t wanna waste it! I don’t wanna lose more time/fail…
    I’ve always been into arts and now I barely do it. (I’m into design) Love to write, to draw and to sing. But I haven’t draw or write for a whole month already! And barely sung, and what I did sing felt weak and a quite forced to not lose grip.
    I keep trying to strive but I’m feeling truly bad now:/

  • Mike January 6, 2015, 8:49 pm

    This fits perfectly. I’ve been feeling “down” for years – all the way through college and into two different career fields now. I just haven’t been able to find anything that feels “right” or “happy.” But your post rings true, and I think it’s time to make some changes! 🙂

  • Dominic January 7, 2015, 3:33 pm

    My Mum could be accurately described as the ‘Walking Depressed’ – just about every observation in this article matches up to her.

    I have coped with severe depression and have great sympathy for anyone that has suffered depression. One aspect of the walking depressed that is NEVER discussed is their tendency towards negative coping mechanisms. Often these coping mechanisms create a toxic environment for themselves and their loved ones.

    For example – my mother was addicted to having babies. The extreme reward, love and focus a baby provided was like a drug to my mother, temporarily freeing her from her unhappiness. However, once the child was past the point of complete dependence, the effects wore off and my mother would plan to have another baby to get the same high again.

    My point is – the walking depressed are proud, self-reliant people that do not succumb to obvious addictions such as drugs and alcohol. But if you look closely, you will find extreme negative behaviour that fractures the self and destroys families.

  • Matt January 12, 2015, 3:31 am

    I feel like this describes me 100% plus more.
    That plus more I’m not sure it’s related. Maybe you can tell me.

    Feeling resentment, jealousy and anger towards people close to me who seem and act like they have it all together. I tend to find myself shooting them down because I’m not happy and it’s my defense mechanism. For some reason I feel like I’m being attacked.

    I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just natural impulses.

    • Alison January 13, 2015, 2:58 pm

      I know just what you’re talking about, Matt, and I added it to the list: “You are jealous of and bitter toward people who look happier than you feel.”

      I hope you’re able to find what you need to feel happier.

  • Abby January 19, 2015, 6:59 pm

    It’s all the more difficult waking up every single morning promising and planning change for yourself and then going to bed the following night with the disapointment of knowing you haven’t accomplished any of that. I used to think I was a really happy and optimistic person. Maybe it was because I was perceived this way by everyone I knew. I always found a reason to laugh or smile, but recently I’ve noticed the heartache in attempting to at all. I’m in school, I’m working a couple jobs and I have amazing people in my life. Why do I feel as though there’s something missing? I get angry at myself for feeling down because I feel like it’s not fair to those in more severe cases than myself. I try not to make my problems insignificant and I try to love myself and forgive myself, but I just can’t. I’ve been a heavy drinker for long while now, which I acknowledge isn’t helping me. When I drink I achieve the happiness and proximity I always yearn for, even though it’s temporary. I keep going in these nasty cycles where I want to heal, but end up finding no point in trying. I want to find help and guidance, but my pride won’t allow it.

  • David Gold January 19, 2015, 8:31 pm

    Every single one of these symptoms i fight on a daily biases… i’ve tried therapy, i’e tried keeping myself busy nothing works i still hate every single day.. its a hole im stuck in and cant get out.

  • ______ January 23, 2015, 8:17 pm

    I think this walking depression relates to me but I’m not sure what to do now…I understand you put a list of solutions but I’m not sure how to go about some of them. I mean how do I bring something like that up to my family? And although most/all of those symptoms sound like what I have…how do I know for sure? I understand that you’re probably busy and have a lot of comments so its ok if you dont answer but if you could….

    • Alison January 23, 2015, 9:24 pm

      I’m so glad you wrote. I’m sorry to hear that you see yourself in these signs of depression.

      If you want to start somewhere other than with your family, you could go to see your doctor and tell him/her you think you might be depressed. They would ask questions, give you their conclusion based on your symptoms, and suggest some treatments.

      Not knowing your particular situation, I can point you to this website which has info that covers a lot of topics around depression: http://helpguide.org/home-pages/depression.htm

      What I can say is that it’s worth taking this seriously. Keep asking and looking for support until you get the help you need. I’ll be pulling for you.

  • Mrs. Sad Dreamer January 24, 2015, 10:56 am

    I felt like bursting into tears at every sentence. This is me. This is my life and its even more complicated because I’m a new mom. I’ve been walking depressed I would have to say since I got married, but I have struggled with depression since high school. I really want help. I’ve gone to counselors, but it seems like they look at me and choose to either ignore what I’m saying or make assumptions based on my appearance/background. I’m an African American female and in my culture we are expected to be so strong and able to hold up the world, but its simply not true. I’ve never been a fighter, loud, or the aggressive, strong matriarch. I’ve even had one counselor laugh when I told him about my issues. He said “Oh you’ll be just fine. You are a strong woman.” I couldn’t help thinking “How the hell do you know?” I had only met with him once! Anyway, I’m trying so hard to be happy and smile for my baby. I keep moving along, but as you mentioned its hard for me to be happy. I really try to connect with people but I can’t because I’m really “faking it to make it” per say. My smile isn’t genuine and I’m utterly disinterested in most small talk. I have 3 books that sit on my hard drive halfway completed, but its been years now and I just can’t seem to get the creativity and drive to finish them. I feel like this depression is keeping me from being the creative genius I always thought I could be. Can you refer me to any good counselors in NJ? Any help is appreciated.

  • Eve Chanson January 25, 2015, 10:27 am

    i totally get this. i thought it was just that school was getting me down because i cheer up at the weekends. then i remember that at the weekends i’m usually high or drunk or asleep so that would make sense, i didn’t really think about it before.

  • Emily January 25, 2015, 10:49 am

    I don’t have a Kindle, but REALLY want to buy your book! Do you have any print versions available?

    • Alison January 27, 2015, 12:56 pm

      Hi Emily! I’m glad to hear you’re keen to read! The print version of Pilgrimage of Desire will be coming later this year.

  • Lauren January 27, 2015, 6:25 pm

    thank you. I’m so incredibly sad. I cant make it more than two weeks at work without calling in sick. I’m constantly crying. I’ve been on 7 antidepressants and nothing seems to work. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  • P January 27, 2015, 8:47 pm

    I definitely have walking depression. Depression runs in my family. But I pretend I’m fine and go to work and exercise almost daily. I am not an artist or writer but my BF is and it has been a difficult 10 years trying to understand his life. He’s a workaholic and even works on vacation when we go. He would rather talk to colleagues every night on the phone than me. It is depressing. And my best friend, my dog, died 6 months ago. I think my BF has sociopathic tendencies as well. He says he loves me but I feel very alone as all he does is work. I will never date another artist as long as I live. The first year or two we were dating he said he warned to get married. Of course we never did. He is too busy and we haven’t talked about it in 8 years. I am sad most of the time but exercising has helped me a lot– when I can convince myself to go. Does anyone else feel sad all the time but pretend they are fine?? I guess it is like a functioning alcoholic.

  • Maria January 29, 2015, 1:44 am

    I just got home. Tired and confused. I couldnt hold it, i didnt mean to show them. I was absent last week (the whole week) because i had lost my will and desire to live. I have no idea what’s wrong with me. Im just sad, sad and troubled all the time. I dont find jokes funny, i dont find my hobbies interesting. Everything is so tiring. I hate seeing happy people, i dont care about things i just feel empty and tired. Just tired all the time. I hate being around people who know im sad and if possible i dont want to be beside anybody. Every night i find peace, every morning i feel heavy like something is on my chest. My chest feels muddy and cloudy. My brain keeps saying that im not depressed, i have no right to be depressed. There’s no reason for me to be sad so why. They think im too young for me to mean my words. No one believes me. I regretted telling some people because they obviously didnt know what it’s like. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. Im so sick and tired of this. I want to change but i have no idea how to start and i have no desire to change. I am mean to myself. I tell myself that im over reacting, attention whore, wannabe, useless and more. Im just so confused right now.

  • guest18 January 29, 2015, 5:40 pm

    Hi, I’m 18 about to be 19 I have been depressed since 8th grade but never told anyone, I am ashamed to be depressed. I never leave my house and I have been staying in my room more than 18 hours a day and I sleep most if the time. I do not want to go to the Doctors because I would be ashamed. I hate socializing with people, I have no interest in getting a gf, because I feel less than everyone around me. I wake up with no energy so I usually go back to bed or just lay in bed all day. I know im good looking because a lot of woman, girls, that like me say im perfect, But I dont ever try to get with them because of how depressed I am. I haven’t bought clothes since 8th grade, so I’m still wearing the same shoes and jacket since than. I don’t know why I typed all this to tell you the truth. I can’t find a job that I can be comfortable with in a sense of not having to ‘act’ happy and say hi how are you or any sort of conversations that are clearly fake. Do you have any job ideas? I think that is what I need to begin my healing process or my road to recovery lol so if anyone has any idea of a job I could get to boost my self esteem and make me feel like I contribute to society without having to talk to customers please help me.. I have been stuck in this bubble for too long now.
    Thanks
    -guest18

  • jennifer January 31, 2015, 10:51 am

    I find myself depressed but ive been battling depression most of my life, growing up my life has been hard and unexpected things happen, we all know thats part of life but it isnt always easy, I think I finally reached my breaking down in life when I spent five years with a man who proposed to me and we made a baby together and moved to florida I have my older son whos 9 now and my youngest son is one years old now, me and my ex planned our baby and planned our future but something wasnt right when he left me with our 2 week old son and said hell be back in two weeks and when he left he treated me so bad I didnt recognize this man I fell in love with anymore he was mean and weak for always making me cry after I just had our baby I thought we were his everything, I remember everything we spoke about from how he would never hurt me everything he said to make my worries go away, 2 weeks turned into 6 months and finally moved to his hometown where his excuse of money was better there but he didnt save any money 6 months and no money still living paycheck from paycheck he then kicked me and the kids out and I was on the floor crying but no sympathy, the trust was gone from finding things he wrote to other woman my whole world fell apart I thought he loved me I thought he said he only has eyes for me until his actions proved me wrong he lied to me he cheated on me with other woman and tried to hide it after someone told me he still lied after months of trying to move on he confessed in a text message he slept with them that they were trash and I was his goldmine but then hed start acting like hes the treasure and puts himself on a peddle stool, after all the chances I gave him to tell me the truth he tells me but still acts mean, and then telling me he didnt cheat that we werent together but we were we had plans I was still wearing my engagement ring and we just had our baby! Moving to texas I had someone tell me they were messing with him when I was in florida so she knew about me, I have tried everything in me to forgive but the resentment creaps up on me I have changed my number and want nothing to do with him and him manipulating me and playing mind games and breaking something I know he cant fix, I am again on my own and taking care of my kids while he gets away with all the pain and damage he caused not only me but for my children do I stay hiding from this man because thats the only way out, I dont plan to be depressed all my life but I know its a battle I struggle with everyday

  • Lisa January 31, 2015, 7:41 pm

    I cry everyday. Anything can bring me to to tears. I have enough self-control to shield it in at work and in public as best I can, but when I’m home, or in the car, I cry. I’m crying now. I only came upon your site, because I paththetically typed into Google search the words “I’m so unhappy and I cry all of the time”

  • Hiva February 6, 2015, 9:08 am

    Hie
    I don’t think I have walking depression. because I hardly really do anything useful during my days and I fail to finish my projects and my responsibilities. but i also have some of the symptoms of walking depression. I am suffering from low self esteem and nervousness,because I am never satisfied with what I do in my life.and it is really hilariouse because it seems that I exactly know what I like to do, but i somehow avoid to do that always. f.g I know that I can be a good writer. I know i have good analytical capabilities.I can even be a good therapist if I want. but instead of that, I am studying Artificial intelligance. because of what?proving what? I don’t know…i also have low energy generally. I almost,deep deep deep inside me, resent other successful people. I try to make myself do my responsibilities by really bad and insulting words some times(an the point is that it doesn’t help now any more…)
    I some times feel trapped in this life of mine. and i feel pitty for myself.bcos I know that I can be really glamorouse in the field that I belong.and yet I am wasting my time some where that any body else seems more connected than me…

  • Alix February 6, 2015, 8:37 pm

    I recognized myself entirely while reading this. I thought I was the only one! I’m relieved to find someone who understands.

  • Erica February 7, 2015, 9:56 am

    I like this description… “Walking Depression.” It is reminiscent of “Walking Pneumonia,” which is just as insidious and devastating to the individual. I live with this every day of my life, and I can definitely relate to your comments about feeling worse in the morning (heavy with anxiety) and better in the evening (still anxious about all that I did not get done but too tired to care). I have been trying for 4 hours to get moving this morning. Finally, I Googled a random phrase that landed me here. I can get up and go now thanks to your private boost of encouragement. I plan to read more.

  • Loretta February 8, 2015, 3:15 pm

    I’m so sad I’m so unhappy I keep doing different things I like but really don’t find any satisfaction in them I smile joke everyone wants to be around me I can even offer good advice (crying) but I hate myself hate my life I have so very many regrets I do have some accomplishments but very few for my life of 54 years I think about suicide often don’t know if that is the answer just want out of this pain of never Bering happy on the inside
    Y

  • Cynthia February 9, 2015, 6:22 am

    Thank you for your post. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression by so many doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists but have rejected them because I am not suicidal, I seem to be able to get through my days without anyone knowing whats going on inside of me. I never thought of looking at it as walking depression, which when I look at your 10 points and 5 points of why most don’t acknowledge they are depressed, I make a good fit. I once had walking pneumonia and until I collapsed and it nearly took my life I didn’t have the foggiest idea. I am actually almost rock bottom probably have about another few feet of my life before I actually hit the bottom. If it is depressession I suffer from than I need to acknowledge it first to myself than to others, than start making some drastic changes beginning with thoughts of the past and try to find peace within myself and accept and be thankful for what I do have.

    Thank you for your post, it was uplifting to read along with my cup of optimism (coffee)

  • Sorrow February 10, 2015, 11:58 pm

    I definitely have walking depression. I just go through the motions of life now, and see only bleakness ahead. Seven years ago, I moved in with my sister, who we all thought was recovering from cancer. We were going to try to pick up the pieces of our lives and build new ones together. While I was with her, my twin brother committed suicide. A few months later, we learned that my sister’s cancer had returned. She died a few months after that. Ever since then, it’s like I’ve just had to struggle to survive. I feel like a zombie. I hate my job, it doesn’t pay enough, and so many dreams are gone now. I’m 60. What the hell do I do now? All I see ahead of me is old age, poverty and death. Please somebody say something to make me feel better. I’m at the end of my rope.

    • Anon July 24, 2017, 9:29 am

      Hello. I came here because I was crying and feeling very sad and low. I ended up scrolling down whilst in a total daydream but as I stopped I saw your comment. I’m so sorry for your loss… I would hate to hear that you would do something to yourself… But as long as you’re alive you are living. 60 is not as old as 70, 70 isn’t as old as 80, 80 isn’t as old as 90… In 10 years time you may look back and see how fast things have passed, but you need to remember that there is always time. In 10 years time you may wish you were 10 years younger, and in 20 years time you may wish you were 20 years younger. Time cannot turn back but we need to keep looking forward. It is incredibly difficult to live a life that you feel is worthless but you can only feel incomplete once you have decided not to look up and see the future with open eyes. I wish you the very best.

  • Janet February 12, 2015, 8:27 am

    I just found this site and am so glad I did. This describes me perfectly. I’m 61 years old and have had depression and anxiety since the age of 10. I grew up with a schizophrenic brother who was diagnosed at the age of 12. We had a very small home and I shared a wall with him. He stayed up all night making weird noises, turned his radio up and down, and rolled billiard balls back and forth on his miniature pool table. One night he pulled a knife on my dad as I lay in my bed having a panic attack. No one came to my rescue. The story of my life. My depression and anxiety was finally diagnosed in 1993. That’s when I realized my life would never be the same. I’ve been on every med on the market. When they do work they fizzle out after about 6 weeks. I just got the diagnosis of PTSD. I have some minor health problems that could be remedied with 100 lb weight loss. I can’t take this any more. My husband of 26 years is as supportive as he knows how to be but he really doesn’t get it. He’s retired and just goes on with his life, kind of leaving me in the dust. I really want some relief or I just want to die.

  • Alison February 12, 2015, 2:22 pm

    Hi everyone – today a comment was made by a young person (I removed it to protect their privacy):

    “I am only 12 but my friends and the adults at my school always ask me if I am okay. The only response that can come to moinis “Yes.” But I know I’m not. I have all A’s and only one B for grades so I don’t understand. I don’t know what’s happening. All o want to do is cry, listen to music, or sleep. I have thought about suicide before and, I was going to try it before I stumbled across this page. I am hoping someone out there will reach out to me and help me. I am scared to tell my mom what’s happening and I did once but she said I probably just don’t feel good. Please, help.”

    I contacted them as soon as I saw the comment and I’m happy to say they reached out to the Boys Town hotline at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/ and are getting some help.

    Please, if you are thinking about hurting yourself, call a hotline right away! If you’re in the US, try http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.

    I’m really glad this article is useful to people, but I’m not a mental health professional, I’m just a fellow sufferer of depression who wants to see people get the help they need. There are lots of caring folks who are trained and know what to do in a crisis, and I encourage you to reach out to them.

  • JJ February 12, 2015, 7:41 pm

    I am so sad I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care about school or friends or food or life or college; which are all things I used to constantly think about and look forward to. Recently my longest relationship of my life was ended and also my grandpa went into a coma but now that guy wants me back but I am so guarded that even though he Is doing everything I could have ever wanted, I am still so sad. and my grandpa is awake now, but I just cant get the image of him in his coma out of my head. I feel like I am a weak disappointment to my family and to everyone around me. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

    • Alison February 12, 2015, 8:55 pm

      JJ, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. If you’re feeling this way, I really hope you will contact someone who can help you. Let me know if you need help figuring out who that might be. You’re not alone and you shouldn’t have to struggle like this.

      Sending you love.

  • Gremlins February 16, 2015, 9:13 am

    The mornings are always the worst. If there’s a single point in the day where I am the most likely to break down or lash out, it’s in the one or two hours after I wake up, from before the alarm goes off and I’m just lying in bed, to when I finally can force myself to get up and push myself towards work. I feel like I’m always on the verge of tears, always on the verge of just giving up on the day and going back to bed, always hearing an endless litany in my head about how lazy I am, how I lack self control and self discipline, how I’m unappreciated and alone, how bleak everything is, how the good things in my life are hollow and fake… The mornings are always the worst.
    I’ve slowed my life down and am in therapy now, and things are getting better, but it still takes an exhausting force of will to not procrastinate, to not lash out at my patient, befuddled, affectionate partner, to not break down in tears Every. Single. Morning. It’s still hard, but every week the ‘bad zone’ ends a little earlier. I need the caffeine hit just a little less. I remember to eat. I bathe and wear clean clothes that don’t reinforce my criticism monologues. You just keep going. Just one foot in front of the other, right?
    Right.

  • J February 16, 2015, 6:28 pm

    I don’t know if this is going to help me or not. I’m a 41 year old man, teetering dangerously close to completely giving up. I have a good job, nice family a few thousand miles away, and I’m an okay guy. I have all the symptoms you list, as well as the social disconnect (smile and act interested, they’ll never know)
    but.. I feel on the verge to tears most of the time, and if I’m not angry, I’m just sad, blah, down. I guess I feel like there is no reason for me to be here anymore. My kid is grown and gone, my siblings are starting their lives- I just don’t have a point anymore. I work, sleep, eat, repeat. I’m not sure why I do it. There doesn’t really seem to be much of a point.
    But tonight, I’ll sleep, tomorrow I’ll wake up and work, eat, and then sleep. I don’t play guitar anymore, don’t draw, don’t write. I just exist.
    I push away any woman that wants to get close, and return to my little box. Maybe I just needed to get it out..I can’t talk to anyone about it. So maybe just finally letting that though out can help me decide what’s next I guess.
    Anyway..thanks for the information, and the space to vent a little.

    • sad lady March 9, 2015, 8:09 am

      You are not alone. I pray a lot, I know there is an answer and a brighter day somewhere.

  • Justin February 17, 2015, 6:27 pm

    I love you all. I am going through this right now and it’s very difficult I am becoming someone that I never wanted to be and that makes the pain even deeper.

  • CLKentrell February 18, 2015, 12:15 am

    My soul hurts, my body aches. But I don’t know why… I look at life and my body just cries. I wonder what life would be like if I weren’t here, then I think of my family and friends and how much pain they would be in if I were dead. I try to help everyone, and keep them happy. But no ones knows that I’m hurting badly. I do have Suicidle thought but I stop and think to my self. I know I have a purpose somewhere in this world. I’m a music artist, and my smile is only real when my fans show me that I matter to them, when they tell me to keep going it makes me so happy, and when I perform in front of crowds and I’m living my dreams is the only time I feel free. But I feel trapped I feel like I’m dying inside, but I tell my self to hold on before I go to sleep around 3-5 in the morning “every night”.

  • Raveena February 19, 2015, 12:15 pm

    I’m so glad I came across this article. It describes the way I am feeling. I find it hard to accept that I have depression because I had been a masking it for so long. When taking a questionnaire I’m always struck by the question ‘do you move/ talk in a lethargic manner’. The answer is always ‘no,never’ because although I feel like crap inside I don’t want people to know. I’m not excited by much anymore and if I could have one wish only to be happy or to die, I’d choose die. I’m just not enjoying life but if I must stay I must plod along. I’m a young women in my 30s working full time, no kids or partner, just 2 siblings and retired parents. I think if I had a child I might feel better as I would have someone to focus all my love and attention on but I don’t know. I’ve volunteered but still do not feel so great about ‘ giving’.

  • Cheryl February 19, 2015, 1:45 pm

    Right before Christmas 2014 I moved out of my home that I have lived in for 19 years with my partner of 22 years. I was sure I was making the right decision. I felt something was missing; something was wrong. Of course the first thing I looked at was the relationship. I didn’t want to be touched of accept affection. I felt indifferent towards my partner. I had that fight or flight feeling and I chose flight. I felt myself and my partner would be better off away from each other. The first night at my new apartment I di nothing but cry. I felt I made the biggest mistake of my life. I just wanted to go home.
    Eventually I did. I still have that empty feeling inside and don’t know why and don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want to run again but how do I fix something when I don’t know what’s wrong? I have been on meds for awhile now.

  • Notimportant February 21, 2015, 2:02 am

    I am just lost… I feel as if i should be happy with a loving husband and wonderful kids 5 years old son and a 6 month old daughter. I can sense I am missing a piece of my life”s puzzle, it’s funny because i don’t know why I am writing to you.

    I feel that I am not living my life to my full potential and the thought to make that happen, pulls me back thinking “too much of work”, and again I get frustrated. I sometimes despise myself to an extent that I just let go of my emotions and become numb!

    Am i crazy?

  • Jenny Wright February 21, 2015, 2:30 am

    To be honest I don’t think there’s such a thing as ‘walking depression’. What you describe is just depression plain and simple.

  • Maria February 22, 2015, 1:10 am

    This resonates wish it didn’t. Am 49 two teenage boys all I aspire to is getting them educated and happy self sufficient in the world then I can just what! Then I get the opportunity to finally pay off debt from a bad marriage I should be grateful for health family partner etc but just feel so burdened I just want my lads sorted and then I can expire and get rest. I know mental illness I nursed a
    Sick ex husband for a long time and I know that after everything that has passed I am damaged goods, exhausted but I will carry on because that’s what stubborn mums do no matter what. I do feel though that when they are on solid ground my work in this world is done.

  • Nick thompson February 23, 2015, 8:29 am

    I now realize what wrong with me for almost year I’ve benn trying figure it out y can’t get energy back fight through every day feeling weak so after long miserable day I go gym making myself feel better for few hour

  • T February 24, 2015, 10:34 pm

    Thank you for clarifying that there are different levels of depression. I felt if I diagnosed myself with depression it would be an insult to those who suffer from it severely. I am able to go through my day despite having pessimistic thoughts, wondering what the point of living is, having random feelings of wanting to cry for no reason throughout the day, sleep issues, unable to look forward to the future, and occasional thoughts of suicide (thoughts happen late in the night or when I see something that can cause harm, i.e. knives, pills, et cetera) I do not feel consistent doom, however there are times throughout the day where I do feel very gloomy. I know I am not at the point of feeling I must die because I know it is something I will get through. I’ve never been a quitter, so I keep on going. It’s hard for me to accept I might need help. I have decided to see a counsellor and keep track of suicidal thoughts, if things progress I will get medication.

  • L February 25, 2015, 3:51 am

    I’m at University suffering from most of what you’ve written here but I’m not sure what to do about it. Do I go to a doctor for advice or someone else? I have good and bad days but it’s been holding me back for too long now and I want to get it sorted before it gets worse again.

  • jodi February 25, 2015, 6:14 am

    I read this and was like..WOW..this is my life everyday. I Hate getting up every morning, dealing with the children, my job, my life…financial issues are constant worry being a single mother..my two children gave adhd/ odd and i cant handle them anymore!!!! I cry everyday, dont know if im lonely or was to find someone. ..honestly just want to run away!!! I feel like i always try to help others but i sm always stepped on when i need something. ..nothing in my life matters..i only stay here because my kids..i am sick of hollering at them. .they have no motivation to do good in school theyare lazy..i work 3 jobs just to survive and go to school full time to better myself…all for what??? I am soooooo unhappy and yet noone sees a thing!!!!! I am happy to them, have a great life…haha..if they only knew…if i could only sleep forever!!!!!

    • sad lady March 9, 2015, 8:15 am

      I’m retired and feel so unproductive, when I should be happy and enjoying myself.

  • Luis February 27, 2015, 4:39 pm

    I see people who have children and struggle I have a good job and still struggle with depression. I don’t think I’m worthless I think I just need to feel free.

  • anonymous March 2, 2015, 1:26 pm

    This is weird for me to say… Uh. I guess I could start with the fact that I have a clinically diagnosed anxiety disorder (OCD) and depression. um… Right now its hard for me to put my feelings into words.
    I’m scared and alone.
    I’m frustrated and angry and sad.
    I … I feel like a horrible person and I don’t deserve much of anything that I have.
    And honestly. I am greatful for everything I have in life but yet… This constant sadness seems to plague my mind every second of every day.
    I’m sorry to those I have dissapointed, because that was never my intention. I’m sorry that I didn’t turn out the way I could’ve and the way everyone wanted me too.
    I’m sorry for every lie I’ve told and for every tear i’ve caused.
    I’m sorry to my former self. For letting that girl down.
    I. Am. Sorry.

  • Breaking March 2, 2015, 11:07 pm

    I should feel great. I recently started working for myself and have had my business incorporated. It’s exciting and scary. I also have a supportive husband who has made it possible or my business to be in operation. Yet here I am feeling like I’m missing something. I lack motivation which isn’t like me at all. I have more self doubt than I hve ever had. I’m exhausted, lethargic and bitter. It’s affecting my relationship with my husband as of late because all I do is complain or snap at him. It makes me sick I my stomach when I make him feel unhappy. I’m normally always positive and fun to be around but I think a lot of that was more of an act than I realized. I feel pretty alone even though I have family and friends that love me, I guess I jut don’t always believe it. I’m struggling. My life isn’t that hard and I’m grateful for what I have but I’m making it miserable for myself by feeling this way.

    • sad lady March 9, 2015, 8:13 am

      It’s good to know I’m not alone. Seems like family does not understand.

  • buddy lemon March 4, 2015, 9:15 pm

    Don’t even know what to think it’s not there already know can’t be suicidal cuz of fam but really don’t even have a clue

  • keah March 5, 2015, 12:07 am

    Hi, i dont normally leave comments but you really hit the nail on the head for me. Im a teenage girl but i wouldnt call myself normal….How can you truely accept that this is you then do such amazing things like traveling the world? I cant even get out of bed to finish high school! Some how by the graces of god iv been accepted to a college and i want todo my best there but how is this achieved with the crushing weight of life, the comfort of my bed, and the sea of misunderstanding that i just might be walkin with depression….. Please help……. I can feel myself sinking inside……

  • Abby March 8, 2015, 3:55 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me to go back to his family. It hurts beyond pain can ever be described. I think about him/us 24/7 yet I can’t even see him.we thought we were pregnant and I had hope that I was just to beable to stay with him.of coarse we weren’t. I don’t go anywhere and just try to sleep continually cause everything is way over my head.iv read lots of articles and they say get help.the fact is I don’t have the ambition to get help and help won’t give me him back anyways. I get so upset I get mad.i see no point in life.everything sucks beyond sucking! There is nothing that makes me smile or happy

  • sad lady March 9, 2015, 8:06 am

    Sounds like me. Seeing doctor Friday. Will take article. My short-term memory is “shakey” too.

  • Asangi Sailo March 10, 2015, 11:16 pm

    I fit all the categories of the signs given.but i’m not surprised.lately i realized that i’ve been sad for so long that i don’t know how to be happy anymore or react when something really good happens to me that i oughtta be happy about.and i feel when i resolve a worr5y or stress,i look for another issue to stress or worry over.i constantly secretly try to please people because i feel im a horrible person.i mean i know im not the friendliset or happy looking person.but i do try without others knowing.you can’t not be selfish when you’re trying so hard to make yourself feelokay.you forget about other people and things you should be more focussed about.and i can’t ever seem to take care of people or things.they either break or leave eventually.sometimes i think i need therapy…i keep a journal..its always sad,pathetic and just…sad…over the past and regrets and shit like that.

  • sam March 11, 2015, 1:39 pm

    Thank you for this wonderful information. I constantly feel this way at times like today I feel just overwhelmed with saddness for no reason. It is sad that others r suffer too, but nice to know I am not the only one. I know life has many hars choice and I must make some if I am ever going to get through this and feel any better. Thank you all for sharing!

  • BT March 12, 2015, 1:16 pm

    One of the scariest realizations I have made this year was that I was heading back into depression. When I was a teenager I had survived a suicide attempt. It was a lot easier then to recognize my clinical depression and get support; mainly because I was still under the care of my parents. Now in my late 20’s I was slipping back in and still walking around not recognizing the warning signs. My boyfriend and I started fighting a lot; he thought that I had unrealistic expectations of our relationship and ultimately led to our breakup. I stopped spending time with my roommates or friends and just would come home from work and go straight to my room. I stopped trying to make goals at work and became idle with my staff. I stopped answering when my family called, because I had nothing exciting to tell them anymore. I wish I could say I was sad the whole time, but if you have ever suffered from depression you will know that it can get a lot scarier than that. I was numb: no feeling at all, not happy and not sad, just blank. I would wake up and stare at the ceiling for hours until finally I would just have enough time to get ready for work without any time to spare. It was mechanical and I was robotic. Just doing what I had to do but nothing more. One day I recognized this. I honestly don’t remember what triggered my to *snap* out of it, but I finally woke up. I did something that I remembered I liked doing; baking. I had attempted to bake during the holidays and got half way through and scrapped everything. Two weeks after Christmas I tried again and was successful. That helped me start to repair another hole in my life; my friends and family. I handed out cookies to all the people I cared about and even though I received a few raised eyebrows I just pretended like it was still a time to celebrate. And it was: I had finally climbed out of my hole; well not completely out, but I knew I wouldn’t stay in the pit any longer. It’s been 3 months that I have begun to enjoy life again, and even though a few bridges remain burned, the sturdy bridges in my life stayed in tact and welcomed me to cross over them once again.

    • Alison March 13, 2015, 5:16 pm

      BT, this is a beautiful and inspiring story. Thank you for sharing it and I’m so glad to know how you came back to yourself.

  • cpy March 13, 2015, 11:27 am

    I have been unhappy for a long time.
    And it has affected my life badly like I am 30 and still not able to work.
    I fear many things and develop panic attack …
    I am not very receptive to people’s words and advises
    and my parents are running out of patience they openly try to show their dissatisfaction.
    I feel bad and lousy daily … I find little joy in things I do, even playing games don’t really help … I have a passion for writing and creating art (comics and stuffs) but I find it stressful now especially when I can’t write/draw anything good/of substance now.
    I stay home everyday facing my mum’s purposeful ‘hints’ and I have this chest discomfort which I believe is due to me being unhappy or panic attack …
    I really don’t know what to do now …

    I am not ready for a job, but I MUST get a job … seriously, I also don’t know why I can’t get a job – when I think about getting a job, i just feel paralysised and sick, and sad and see no future. I don’t know how to explain, maybe its like all the others had said, I am just plain lazy and using being unhappy as an excuse …

  • John March 15, 2015, 12:34 pm

    This reads like my life story. Apparently I was a happy child, but since I was 5 or 6 I couldn’t “get” happy. I didn’t have a reason to smile, I’d say when people asked why I wouldn’t smile. I was in college when I realized I was depressed though. I’ve tried getting better, therapy and working out helped. It’s so easy to slip into old habits though, and therapy is so expensive. “This is who I am,” I tell myself. The social anxiety I feel some days is crippling, the weight of pretending I’m OK and happy in conversation with everyone else can be more than I can bear. Then there’s the anger that my parents and those close to me never noticed, still don’t to a large extent; and the shame at feeling that way when all I’ve ever done is try to hide it. I’m nearly 30 now, fully functional adult, but some days it’s hard to go on. I keep going, every day, but some days I wonder how much longer I can. My parents wonder why I don’t seem to date or want to give them grandchildren. How could I invite someone to live with me in my hell? How could I keep my depression from them? It all just sounds like more of the same misery I already tread through, only at home too. No sanctuary? even dating, most girls expect to communicate daily. I don’t know if I can take even that much more responsibility.

  • soliana March 15, 2015, 7:22 pm

    It honestly sucks so bad, i thought i had a control over my anxiety and was okay, and now its all back along with some low self-esteem and low confidence that i cant seem to change. Along with this sadness that i thought i can handle and change, i thought it would have gone away after winter. Now its spring and im still as down and now im so stuck and unmotivated. My mind is blank and i have no vitality. It only makes me cry because i have no reason to feel as i do, i use to be so alive and happy, i was anxious but i felt alive. I feel so numb and unreal. There has to be a chemical imbalance in my body, a not so well functioning thyroid because my life is pretty okay. Thats the saddest part, my mind is what is causing this and i have no more energy to get unstuck.:((

  • Valentina March 16, 2015, 8:18 pm

    Hi! I wanted to say: thank you so much for this because you made me realise my type of depression and the real causes of it, although I had therapy and have read a lot about depression. Thank you because somehow it hits us, artists, harder and, you know?, the amount of responsibilities I started having last year triggered my depression. I had never thought of it this way and I even realised what I’ve been doing wrong when trying to get out of the black hole. I had never felt so understood by anyone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  • sarah jones March 21, 2015, 3:10 am

    I have just read the walking depressed – that is exactly me. My ex husband and partner has taken my youngest son away from me with vile lies. I am heartbroken. I have survived cancer. I have one lovely 18yr old son who is my life, as my other son should be. I have a partner who loves me, but wants a more physical relationship which i cannot give right now – I am so sad. Life hold no happiness for me but for my son’s sake i carry on with the act, as I carry on the act with my partner. I don’t want to feel this way, there are so many more people who really have it bad, I have not right to feel like this. I have to carry on.

  • Alizee March 22, 2015, 2:29 pm

    This hit home like nothing else ever did.
    “You feel like it would be insulting to those who are much worse off than you. You may feel like you have no real reason to be depressed.” I see comments from single moms, from providers of families, and I admire every single one of you – you are amazing and deserve all the happiness in the world!
    I’m still a student, getting help from family and having no one to take care of except myself, and even this I fail at.
    I never write a comment, this is the first time. I have walking depression interlocked with BED, and this article explains an defines me better than I ever would.
    Thank you for this post, Alison. 🙂

  • Kenny b March 24, 2015, 8:13 pm

    I don’t know. I keep getting fired from jobs for people arguing with me and have to find new ones for the same reason. I always give a 100 percent and do what is asked but slowly down the line some where every 3 months it starts to happen. The main thing is that I don’t like people at all. I have like 5 CLOSE friends cause I think most people are full of S**t or A ******s most of the time. Go to work and people steal from you or taint a food item or lotion. I grew up different, if you had a problem then say or for ever hold your peace. If you messed with someone like steal or what not then you better know how to fight. I can’t stand the gossiping and talking behind people’s backs like sneaky little discussing rats who deserve to have their head smashed in like one for doing it and possibly ruining someone’s reputation at work. My tolerance for people is completely gone yet my patience for my child is everlasting and for some reason I’m the only one who he listens to completely. No spankings or yelling just time outs and explanations to why something is good or bad and he seems to catch on.

    • Sam July 14, 2015, 7:09 pm

      Totally with you whatever you have said.

  • Savannah123 March 25, 2015, 10:13 am

    I don’t know if This article speaks to me at every angle.
    I haven’t done anything good or creative for nearly 2 months now; I spend all day in bed. I wake up in the afternoon and sleep around 6-8am. And once up I just stay in bed and watch this one TV show over and over. I have an internship therefore I need to work but since I can’t wake up, then there is no possibility for me to go to work in the first place. I haven’t got anything done concerning my internship or anything else I might add.

  • rashad March 25, 2015, 11:32 am

    I fit into almost 90% of these situations though i dont find that depression is actually a very bad thing like there are people who love life and love to live but others dont so why cant the others exist and keep on hating?

  • Christina March 30, 2015, 6:44 am

    Yes, I am desperately sad. Nothing interests me. I want to go back to school for my rn( I am an LPN) but I have failed classes, but I am REALLY applying myself. I don’t know where I go wrong. As an lpn , I have never really worked or been hired. I’ve been licensed for six years. I don’t know what to do. I love my husband and my sons; I just don’t know what to do.

  • Heather March 30, 2015, 11:47 am

    I was the person who looked after everyone. My children grew into adults and my parents passed away. There was no one left to look after, except me… and I didn’t have experience in looking after me, I didn’t know I needed looking after!?!? Nine years later, I still have no desire to leave the house, be around people. Everything is a chore, I’m exhausted all the time, but avoid sleeping. I took a year off from work, went back for a couple of months and was absolutely miserable so am back at home again. I cannot afford to stay home, but am at a loss to figure out how to feel better. The majority of the 10 signs describe me and I can’t seem to climb out of the hole I’ve fallen into…

  • Sam March 31, 2015, 8:53 pm

    Thank you! Someone here said what you are describing is just depression plain and simple I disagree…for me I’ve had depression plain and simple for at least 30 years with a few incidences of post-partem but 2 months ago I crashed to the point that I was unable to work.
    I’ve never felt suicide was an option thankfully but I was as close as I’ve ever came.
    That said fast forward to now and after adjustments to my meds, seeing a therapist and taking all this time off work I’m feeling a lot better…the problem is im supposed to go back to work part time after Easter and every time I feel like I can it’s quickly followed by an anxiety attack and sadness/hopelessness and the realization that I don’t want to go back or feel like I can.
    This is followed by guilt and beating myself up because I feel like I’m copping out and being lazy… Does or has anyone else feel this way?
    I don’t know what to do!

  • Desiree March 31, 2015, 9:38 pm

    Wow. I always see videos of people talking about how people who try and raise awareness or inform the ones seeking information about depression and antidepressants are full of crap. It’s all apart of the government schemes, and people will just list a bunch of symptoms to make you buy the product. Honestly, walking depression is what I was looking into…and…every single one of the symptoms listed, are me. how i feel. or just made me think of myself. Recently, something disappointing happened to my brothers and I. I have no idea if that situation has anything to do with how I’m feeling, but what I do know is that I feel like literal sh*t. excuse me. That’s the only way I can think of how to describe how I feel at the moment. I can be happy and laugh with friends at school, and laugh with my family and joke around…but it’s all temporary. I feel a change. a BIG change. It actually scares me. I used to be this fun, outgoing, and I was the one in the room everyone heard or were looking at because I was laughing so much. Some people say, that I’m not depressed but maybe just a little more grown up. It makes sense, but like I said…I am not happy, and I’m just seeking advice or anything to help me out. I know I should probably talk to my parents, or seek medical help…I just want to get all the facts before I tell everyone what I THINK i’m dealing with. I want to know all the facts, and information there is to know. If I have depression, or even if i’m bi-polar. For example, I noticed I have a really short temper with children lately. I LOVE CHILDREN. The unnecessary noises they make, I notice them more now. I don’t hold back in telling them to shut up either, and that’s not like me. I don’t do anything anymore. I used to barely make it through the week, and then when Friday hit…PARTY! not literally, but the vibe. it’s the weekend, friends, sleepovers, adventures. not anymore, i;m not saying I wouldn’t enjoy it…i just don’t try to look for anything to do.

  • Leah April 1, 2015, 1:24 pm

    Well… I guess I’ve finally succumbed to chronic “walking” depression. I’ve been physically and verbally abused by my mother until I moved out of her house, but I didn’t have the time or motivation to move into my own place after getting my secondary education. I was once very pretty and at work, men used to come and try to talk to me. I decided I was interested in one, and began to hang out with him, and sort of moved in with him almost right away and before long, I got pregnant. My mom didn’t want to be left out of a new baby’s life, she loves babies. So she reached out and called me even though I had planned to never speak to her again. She helped enroll me into school and I went and got my secondary education. And I was really happy while I was pregnant, because people were nicer and more considerate of me, even my mom… Somewhat. Well I had the baby and that’s when things went back downhill. I don’t have a very.. “Concerned” partner. He doesn’t really care about me. He sure tries to pretend and convince me that he does, but his actions are careless and inconsiderate so I’m not in love with him anymore and just wanna leave, but I can’t because I had a baby that I now must take care of which means I can only work when I find someone I trust to watch him, I only trust my mom to watch him. I let the in laws watch him and something always happens to him, which my partner takes very lightly. His family could throw his own son out the window and he’d still defend them and say everything is okay cause it’s an accident and people aren’t perfect. Ha. So now I’ve made plans to get away from everyone but they’re taking forever cause they involve money and I only work 3 days a week. So basically I’m struggling to stay sane and seem regular to everyone I come into contact with. I have to act like I don’t dislike my partner, being around him makes me so frustrated. He knows it, cause he makes jokes about it. But he’s the kind of person who would say I’m too sensitive if I ever protested about it. So now I live with him and I can’t say anything about how I feel cause it’ll just cause tension and I know he does not care at all. And I can’t leave. So I have to pretend I don’t hate him everyday. My mom helps out with the baby– because of the baby. And while I’m grateful, it still hurts me that I don’t have anyone who loves me. Not even parents.

    I have creative talents but they don’t interest me and I never use them because I just don’t feel creative… Everything I could write is sad. I don’t have an imagination anymore. I can’t write stories and music just pisses me off cause it’s so fake, especially songs about romance and relations between men and women. Even when I sing songs I used to love, I realize the true meanings of the lyrics and just stop singing.

    I know that if I don’t kill myself before 2016, then I will have all the material things I need to be self suffient and not have to have people’s apathy toward me rubbed in my face everyday. I tell myself I’ve survived everything else and plus I have a baby I need to protect and watch over so I have to stay alive. But I’m scared now because it’s as if nothing brings me joy.
    When I was young, even things I didn’t have made me happy just by thinking about one day having them. Now, nothing not even the things I used to like make me look forward to life. Am I gonna be trapped here forever? I don’t have the money for treatment, so there’s no therapy for me. I do feel better with wine and coffee, so I guess my chemicals are truly off this time. Even when I was a child, teen going through all the abuse, I was still happier than I am now. I used to dissociate from who and where I was, and if I wasn’t getting abused currently, I’d be in a good mood and full of life. Now I just feel so dead already. And there is no relief. Because I don’t have anyone really, so if I’m gonna survive this, I have to do it all on my own. And when you’re really depressed you can’t seem to do anything, I feel so lazy. The things I want to do more than anything I just think about. Even if I spring up and do them one day, I don’t stick with it. I just feel trapped in this. There is no point.

  • erin April 2, 2015, 7:19 am

    thaall th above apply. Seems I’m responsible for everyone else’s happiness then I’m mentally exhausted and forgo what makes me happy. I cannot figure out my purpose. My job taking care of people in itself is great, but does not use my intelligence; I feel numb and as if i am dying inside doing it. I feel like I was supposed to do more, be more, and cannot figure out what or how to get their. At the end of the day, I just want nothing… But to lay on my bed to quiet. Even that does not work because I have this constant, knawing feeling that life is passing me by and I was meant do to something and I am not doing it. Restlessness, boredom, and just plain… Numb.

  • Cesar Lozano April 4, 2015, 1:56 am

    I’m a senior in college at the age of 19 going on 20. My GPA is a 3.91. I have friends that have been with me since I was in middle school. I don’t even have any debt. Yet, despite all this, I feel like I’m failing in my life. I chose the wrong degree (biology) when I should have chosen something more creative like architecture or game design. I was afraid of choosing them because I didn’t have enough confidence in my abilities (I’m usually very pessimistic). It’s too late for a change of degree and it eats away at me every day. I honestly don’t know what to do, it’s been more than a year and I still feel distressed. I don’t expect anyone to read this, but it’s 4 am and I needed to shrug some of it off.

    • Armi April 8, 2015, 12:48 pm

      Hi Cesar, you are 19, you are very young, you should totally change careers to the one you want, dont look at it as wasted time, if you refocus your life now to the kind of life you desire you will live a happier life. If you dont follow your heart now, when? a lot of people dont follow their dreams and end up living a miserable life, thinking what they could have done instead.

      Never say its to late to change, its not. Its never to late to change your life, and having your age really helps, consider it, its not to late, live the present doing the things you love, and the future will be bright for you. 🙂

  • Katie April 4, 2015, 11:14 am

    Hello, don’t really know where to start so I’ll start here I’m 23 years old but due to life struggles since the age of about 19 I’ve always felt older in my head and have had to act older due to looking after and supporting my mother financially and the rest of my family emotionally I’ve never really felt like I’ve found somewhere or someone I belong to always feel like I’m looking for something to make me feel fulfilled or generally happy with who I am and my life as it is. At age 19 I had an abortion to the only person who i have ever loved I had to give the baby up as he never loved me back and pretty much mentally abused me by drawing me in and out of his life being there for him yet he never loved me back this was the case for four years from the age of 16. Since the baby I have felt rather numb new relationships never worked out and for the first year after the abortion I became angry all the time and would lash out when I had a drink I do get high and have done since the age of 16 the weed for me is an escapism of my life all together. Two days after the abortion I started a new job which I have to be honest never had a break to heal from anything. My mother isn’t well enough to work due to problems with her back so I support her by paying our rent looking after us and cooking cleaning etc ive seen her depressed in the last few years I’ve been in and out of jobs due to redundancy or my contract ending I have a permanent job now but it doesn’t make me happy I’ve gone down two grand since my previous job because I have to be able to pay the rent and bills so we aren’t struggling but I have hardly any money most of the time the people I work with don’t make me feel happy and the work isn’t of interest to me it’s just something I have to do to be able to live. My father had a mental breakdown at the middle of last year he was beaten up by the police and sectioned in hospital for a while he is out now and not having psychotic episodes anymore but is deeply unhappy and has told me he’s felt suicidal twice since I am the only person other than my sister who is in his life the rest of his family have disowned him because of actions during his breakdown I dream often that he has died and I wake up crying i can’t stop feeling like I’m going to lose him and I don’t want to. I feel that I can control some things in my life but things I can’t control scare me I do have anxiety every so often which disturbs my sleep and thoughts. I don’t know if I am depressed but generally I don’t feel happy with my life and I don’t know where to start im tired all the time and I just feel scared of the future and losing people two of my cats got killed last year at the same time of the breakdown my mums house mother from the children’s home she was in died and my dog died too. I feel like I will lose everything if I stop for a second so I carry on everyday but I feel exhausted mentally and drained I don’t know where to start or what to do people tell me my family’s problems are not my own but I take them on regardless because I love them I don’t see how I’m supposed to eventually be able to live my own life and relax I know what I want career wise it’s just hard to give it everything I have all the time when I don’t feel like I’m giving myself anything in life.

  • susan sehlke April 6, 2015, 9:48 am

    All ten signs are exactly what I am feeling now and have been feeling for the past 6 months or so. I find happiness in nothing and feel I have basically given up on myself. I’ve gained weight, which only adds to my depression (a lot), and feel every day takes such an effort to get through.
    I know in my heart what I need to do, but cannot find the motivation to do it.
    I am definitely stuck in a rut and and feel overwhelmed by uncertainty.
    Hopefully there will be some things on this site that will help me or at least get me going to better myself.

  • Armi April 6, 2015, 5:21 pm

    Hi,i just found this site, i know its some years old, but i saw people still commenting on this… Im living in depression, i have been living with it for years now… Im 29 and while im still young i feel like my life is seeping away, i dont know what to do, i feel sad, empty, nothing makes me happy anymore, i feel tired, alone, and i dont really know how to tackle this, all my friends are gone cause they live in other cities, i dont date girls anymore, i dont have sex, i dont go to the movies, i dont do anything but work, and i think my depression is killing me.

    I wasnt like this always, my friends have always told me i am a person that shines with a warm light (even while im a loner, i have the luck of having amazing friends, just they are far away), i grew up with a lot of issues, as a kid i passed a lot of time in hospitals due to my ashtma which was very developed when i was a kid, im better now, those years were terrible, i always slept in a hospital bed, with tubes connected to my body and stuff like that, that made me the awkward kid in school, i got bullied hundreds of times, but suddenly i felt the need to talk to other kids, i felt drawn to kids that seemed unhappy, maybe i was trying to escape my past, but i started cheering that kind of people, that later became my best friends ever, i am pretty good at giving advise and hearing people issues out, im like a paper tissue for other people tears… and that have taken a toll on me, while i live in solitude, all those people i helped are out there, living life, getting married, they always come back to tell me how grateful they are for meeting me in their darkest hour, and that makes me happy, they all moved on, except for me,but now, i feel that light is gone, i dont get even a hug now, and i feel like im hitting bottom , i dont think in suicide, but right now my life is so sad and empty that i dont really know what to do, i cant deal with this infinite sadness anymore. 🙁

    Also excuse my english and the terrible way this is written, i just needed to vent this and im at a loss right now… anyway, if anyone needs someone to talk to, leave me a reply, i can at least hear (read) whatever is troubling you, maybe we can make it through after all. 🙂

  • Lou April 9, 2015, 11:51 pm

    How do you change your thoughts? That’s the biggest issue by far. The negative thoughts creeping in, they’re like little plays in my head. Scenarios that you would think would always go my way by default as they are in my head/fantasy but they don’t. I get into more arguments, fights, horrible situations in my head than I ever have in my life. It’s insane.

  • Jay April 10, 2015, 6:32 am

    This article described exactly how I have been feeling for quite some time. I just did not want to admit it. I realise I pretend I am happy all the time but I am not. Admitting it to myself now I guess is a step for me to begin addressing it.

  • Ina April 10, 2015, 11:08 am

    I’m very very unhappy. Every time I do anything it’s without enthusiasm and any moments of joy are short lived. My heart hurts all the time and I feel like I’m wasting my life and that I am stuck in a rut and that I won’t amount to anything. If I say anything , my parents dismiss it as being a “teenager”. I’m not allowed to do anything. I’m 17 and I have never even went to a party or gone to the movies with friends. I can’t make close friends because I’m not allowed to spend time with them. I feel alone all the time and all I want is to be happy , that’s really all I want, it just doesn’t seem to happening and I’m tired of trying.

  • R April 11, 2015, 4:53 pm

    I feel so alone sometimes. I don’t have any close friends and I feel like I’m just a wallflower floating among close cliques. I still haven’t found my close group of friends and when I come close to thinking I found them they say something or do something that shows I’m not or never will be in their group. Sometimes I just think about jumping out a window and when I confided in someone who I thought I was close with he just didn’t seem to care and hasn’t checked up on me since. I’m afraid of going to a therapist to see if I have several mental disorders and I just don’t want to accept that I do. I just sit in my bed and cry when my roommate is gone and once she walked back as I was crying and saw I was crying and just asked if I was okay. I said no and she hugged me and left to see her boyfriend. I just feel like no one cares. I don’t want to go to class and I don’t want to have a job. I just want to lay in my bed. I’m afraid of the future because I know I will have to get a job to live, but I don’t want to live. But the idea of death scares me, too. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so alone.

  • me April 12, 2015, 9:00 am

    At least u tried.

  • Hurting deep inside April 12, 2015, 12:45 pm

    I am a 47 year old man that is experiencing just about all these signs. I have been on an anti depression medication for about a year maybe a bit longer. But as of late I don’t think the medicine is helping. My wife thinks I’m cheating. (Which I’m not) but that seems to be what I’m accused of by her whenever my mood changes. I have a good job that pays the bills. Been married 20 years have two children that are 17 (twins) not a whole lot of stress that I harp on. And today I have sat on the couch watching golf and have been fighting tears for at least two hours.
    I don’t know why. I just want it to stop. I want to be “normal”. In these two hours I have had thoughts of just leaving and not coming back. Whether it be I move somewhere or……… . I feel like I am ALWAYS trying to do for everyone and no matter how much I ask for something , I’ll be asking for it again because no one is going to cater to me. I feel all alone. My feelings aren’t worth anyone helping me. I have a cell phone that never rings. It’s basically my pocket computer. Life is hard and I’m really really tired.

  • nicole April 13, 2015, 5:33 am

    Its scary how this describe exactly how i feel. every single one i related to.

  • Victoria Ruiz April 15, 2015, 6:00 pm

    I have been going through a very deep depression for the last 7.5 months. People that do not know me never think that I am suffering so much. However, my friends are well aware because I have confided in them. I have not received much of a moral support. I have a good psychiatry; I am taking antidepressant, I walk every day, I eat well, I am in contact with people all the time. I leave my home early in the morning. I retired 2 years ago. I suffer from thoughts that are very scary, thoughts that I want to run away from them. I am taking a mindfulness class, and I am learning to feel all my feelings, to accept all my thoughts no matter how scare I feel. I feel very connected to God. I pray that eventually all this shall pass. May all be at peace; May all be safe; May all be kind. Thanks

  • J April 16, 2015, 10:03 pm

    I am an engineering student and a D1 athlete at Quinnipiac university. While my passions are closer to drawing, poetry and music, I have a plate too full to fit any. I am in a constant uphill struggle to maintain my steam, with little in life to look forward to, and have gotten to the point of not knowing why one should keep going. While I know this is a phase that will pass, the fog of life is still hard to travel through I suppose. Hopeful minds keep running.

  • Michael gagnon April 17, 2015, 8:57 pm

    Everybody deserves better, and all that life offers to them. Me? I deserve nothing because that’s what I was told and taught, directly from parents who beat on me when I was an infant to being raped at the age of 6 through 10 and became my parents personal punching bag. Any kind of trust for a human I feel is not possible, I feel like I’ve gotten screwed by everyone I’ve ever known.
    Today I have NO male friends, I know how men think, THERE ALL PIGS…
    And I feel women just can’t be trusted.
    Killing myself has always been an option,
    Who would care, or miss, or even bother.
    If I get a head stone, I’d like it to just say
    No one important
    Alone is what I’ve become,
    Artist? Yes I can paint, draw, ceramics, basically art is apart of me since the 4th grade and I’d get beat up for it too.
    Michael a. Gagnon tired of being nothing

  • With God April 19, 2015, 4:07 am

    I have been depressed for 20 years now. I lost both of My parents within a year apart of each other even though one was age 79 & the other age 81. They had Me late in life so when they died I was only age 40. Deep depression set in. I felt cheated that My older Sister who is 13 years older than Myself had them longer than Me. Her & I were never close not even today at age 60 & she is 73. Drs put Me on medication after medication.
    Finally after 20 years of being medicated & now dependent on My drugs , My only Son , age 38 , warned Me that I was wasting My Life away & if I didn’t get off of these destroying drugs…..Seroquel…..Trazodone……Xanax…….that He would come to My house & dump them down the toilet! I knew He meant it too!
    So, I got God back into my life again, prayed on it, weaned My own self off of these bad medications & found a new Dr that really cares. I’m still on Wellbutrin for the serotonin levels to be under control but don’t sleep 10 to 12 hours a night trying to sleep My life away. I get 6 hours of sleep a nite….have more energy….am enjoying My new lease on Life! My Son saved My life! And so did God!
    With God nothing is impossible!!!!!

  • JoaJo April 19, 2015, 10:37 am

    Hello, thank you for writing such an amazing post. I haven’t ever left a comment but now I really want to, need to. I’ve had a torrid childhood, no family network or support. I used to spend hours and hours drawing, painting, writing, poetry, photography. Art was my escape from the pain I was going through. Like lots of you, I’ve had too much of a challenging life. I strived to be successful, I changed to become positive and wanted to help people follow their dreams. But then more adversity, more horrid life experiences and that’s it, I’m done, I don’t see the point. I’m getting worse and worse every day. I want to sleep from the time I wake up until about 7 when I perk up and find enough energy to do some work. I wouldn’t kill myself but I pray to be wiped off the road or to be killed someway where I didn’t have the responsibility to do it myself. I feel hopeless beyond words, the bad things have taken it’s toll. And it’s a fallacy that these experiences make you stronger. I’ve tried and I can’t try anymore. I don’t want to live. I’m lonely, have no partner and have given us from a place so deep within that I am permanently in a place if slow death. I have 3 children and I would never leave them, but I live a life of depression inside with a painted face of a smile.
    I started my photography business 6 years ago and feel unexpressed, lack of support on funds paralyses me. I’m crying inside when conscious and in my nightmares.
    I wish someone could help me, but no one can, I have no strength and the people around me don’t understand. The strongest one amongst us has crumbled.

  • Shobe April 19, 2015, 2:33 pm

    I know this article was meant for artists. I made a sudden decision to enter into a different career path because of a mix of anger and parental expectations. I really couldn’t cope and at times I was in severe depression. Now I am preparing for exams for which I am doing well but not as well as I wanted. I was always weird and left out by others in my life and I wanted to be really successful in this exam so I thew everything I had into it but I’m getting just average scores and that makes me feel trrrribly sad. It’s like I was strong but this is my breaking point. I wanted this one thing to show people who hurt me that I’m great and I know how stupid that sounds but I wanted this one victory in my life. To know that I’m just average makes me feel terribly inadequate. I wanted to be great. I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. I’m not depressed, I don’t want to hurt myself , but I want to love myself more. I want to feel good enough. I want to be satisfied.

  • JD April 20, 2015, 6:12 am

    I was diagnosed with postpartum depression about 14 years ago. I was put on medications and thought my family and husband were supportive. One day my husband asked if I needed any more of my “f****d up in the head” pills. I laughed it off although I was crushed inside. I called my mom, who told me that it was all in my head. She said that she suffered from the same thing when I was born. She just told herself to get over it and that was the end of it. I have always idolized my mothers inner strength. There is nothing she can’t do. I decided it would be best to just bury the feelings inside and not tell anyone. It was actually pretty easy at first. I kept myself as busy as possible so I didn’t have time to feel down. I had my family to think of before anything. I did pretty good until my youngest went to elementary school. I found myself completely alone during the days. I started playing online games and that helped give me something else to focus on for a while. I began to despise housework. it would get everything done, but it took more days to complete than it should have. Then my husband got a vasectomy without talking to me first. I felt like it was his way of telling me I was a bad mother. He didn’t want to bring any more children into this world and have them damaged by me. I know he doesn’t think that. I know it’s the depression. But none the less, I felt unworthy. I didn’t work because my husband liked the flexibility that comes with me being a stay home mom. I tried telling my husband about times when I would feel sad and he would tell me that I was just being stupid and that I should stop being so emotional. The kids are in middle school now. I feel that there is no where else to bury the feelings. I am able to pull myself together enough to get through each day. I cry for hours every night to release what I can’t hide any longer. I know I’m depressed. I want to tell everyone I know, but I can’t. I imagine them looking down on me, thinking I’m weak. I can see them looking at me with pity. I want to get help. I just don’t want anyone else to know.

  • Lynn April 22, 2015, 11:34 pm

    hi, I’m a 40 year old Mom of 6! My husband is great in some wqys, but he’s very mean to me and treats me like a child. He doesn’t talk to me correctly. My family, well they are another story. I have two sisters who dislike me very much and my mom doesn’t say anything to them. They both live with her, so if my sister starts, the whole family jumps on me. My niece just tried fist fightING me and my mom did nothing about it. My kids are pretty amazing, but my three little ones who just turned 4 5 and 6 are a handful. I pretty much don’t get a break from them at all, my husnand feels because he works, he shouldn’t have to watch kids. He tells me I’m lazy, a no good Mom etc, but my kids all love me, I’m a great Mom, I’m just overwhelmed. As far as lazy, I barely sit, but it’s hard cleaning after 8 people everyday. He constantly threatens to leave me knowing I have nowhere to turn and it’s the most scariest feeling a person can endure. I care about him, but he’s so rotten to me sometimes, I don’t know if I even love him or if I stay because I don’t have a choice. I have to beg for money and when I do get it, he expects it to last forever. I don’t know where to turn or what to do and I cry a whole lot, but I guess it could be worse. I just feel so lonely and out of touch with society. I’m finding that getting dressed is becoming a chore anymore. Any advice

  • Christine B Giannosa April 22, 2015, 11:56 pm

    I feel the pain that many of you are writing about. I hate hate hate the fact that I am sad when I know others have it SO much worse in this world. The ironic thing about people who have depression is that we are so much more intuitive than most. Even though we feel pain in our hearts more often than most, we understand people/things/ideas more than most. People with depression in my opinion, have more of a perspective on life— haha I just (at this moment) realized why so many people with depression, anxiety, and/or other mental disorders MAKE things. It’s weird to say but without this terrible mental illness that we have, our world would have no color. I’m not saying happy people aren’t creative for the record. But it’s kind of nice to know and put out there that what we are all going through does mean something.

    … and as sad as it makes me feel to know that anyone else feels the way I feel every day (even when they feel like they have no reason to feel that way) it also gives me a sense of comfort… I hope it gives you that sense of comfort as well.

    So many people suffer from depression….

    I do…

    And it runs in my family…

    My best friend is suffering through it as well and I know everyone who has gone through the worst of it always thinks “whats the point?”——

    THIS!!!! THIS IS THE POINT… This is what will help so many people… because like I said, I hate to know people feel the pain I feel every day… for no reason… just because it genetic, or just— BECAUSE.

    But to know I’m not alone is enough to give tomorrow another shot….

    Thanks everyone XO

  • Lorena April 24, 2015, 9:34 pm

    Oh dear lord! I knew it! Thats me!

    I want to be a writer. I have a story to tell, but i just cant find the moment of peace to write. I know i have depression, ive been medicated and i am actually, and so i am a productive young woman, earn my own money, got two jobs, and live by my own in a country where that is a really big deal, and of course going to the gym.

    But-i-cant-just-sit-down-and-write! I panic, i get so damn anxious, i try so hard to get as comfortable as possible, i prepare myself, i take my time, i want so badly to write, and when I find a plot issue, i just leave it.

    Omg… What should I do?

  • longing April 25, 2015, 11:53 pm

    I’ve gotten quite good at dealing with ups and downs throughout my life but i find relationship break-ups send me spiraling down. And here I am again. I’m so exhausted and emotionally drained. I’ve spent a lot of time being happily single and enjoying life but I long for a kindred spirit to share adventures of life with.

  • courtney April 26, 2015, 5:24 pm

    This is me..I know it, I just don’t want to give into it and let anyone else know it

  • Cielo April 26, 2015, 8:42 pm

    i’m feeling a lil’ bit down today.. i can’t seem to find happiness.. like i feel so alone, i’m thinking maybe i am this way because im envious, i really can’t explain why im feeling so low, felt like iv been living too long without achieving something.. life gets hard every single day, i have to be strong for my family, i dont think i can do this any longer.. ive been adapting but just do stuffs for me just to get through the day.. im helpless , hopeless 🙁

    • jayne May 23, 2015, 2:01 pm

      You’re not alone, I have feelings which sound to be the same. I often feel like I’m not doing enough in my life like I should be making a difference but Im just here, existing and taking up space. I thank my daughter for being someone who needs me and making me feel needed but I still can’t help but think what am i doing with my life?

  • Ela April 28, 2015, 8:06 am

    I think the most difficult part for me is the fatigue – continuously being tired but getting no rest. Sometimes its an effort to even breathe. The symptoms above really ring true, it feels like a black hole with no way out. Wish there was a way to break free.

  • Teru April 30, 2015, 4:39 am

    I just thought I couldn’t really relate or vice versa. Always taking care of what had to be. I feel guilty if I do anything for myself so I overcompensate. Years of a mother that loves me but its a selfish love. I sometimes feel like I want to run and never stop. I don’t want anyone to know me and I keep my distance. I’m very good at that. I make friends quick then I move away and never see them again. All relationships are like that. No one sees what I feel like. I hide it so well.

  • KT April 30, 2015, 11:51 pm

    10 out of 10. My rating of this post and also my score on the 10 Signs of Walking Depression. “Walking Depression” is a powerfully-accurate term. To me it evokes the image of a zombie: still moving somehow, but no life on the inside. That’s exactly how I feel. Other people can only see the walking, though.

    For me, somehow (and, lately, I don’t know how I keep doing this; hell, I’m staying up now to “avoid” it) I will walk into work tomorrow. A more accurate term for “work” would be “chaos.” Unadulterated chaos the likes of which you’d never believe. Why? There’s only one reason I continue to do this; it’s a family business I should have never joined. And I’m the vice president. And it does millions in revenue each year but is always on the knife’s edge of going under. And my dad is the president and prime source of entropy. And I’m the only one in the company that will stand up to him on anything. And I fear for my family’s well being if the company does go under. But I’ve only been able to exert enough force over the years to stave off utter ruin, not turn it around. And it’s emotionally destroyed me.

    So, I will go in tomorrow, hating it. I will sit at my desk with my door locked and put my head in my hands for most of the day wondering where to even start. I will avoid checking my email. I will not take any phone calls. I will probably break meetings I’ve made. I will possibly provide enough good advice to keep others from doing something stupid and costly, thus saving enough money and time for the company to earn my salary. Maybe. I want to do better. I know I have the intelligence to do better. But this is where I am emotionally, and emotions almost always win.

    Despite being more competent at just about any aspect of the business than anyone else (and I’m delusional about this; I seriously just understand the business), I will watch dozens of other employees my dad hired do terrible, inferior work that I could be doing by myself. But my dad doesn’t believe in me, so he assigns the work to others in the naive and pointless hope that they’ll “get something done.” It doesn’t matter to him whether it’s right or not; just seeing action is enough to keep him going. I am the opposite. I could be creating amazing things like I used to, but it’s all been taken away from me by him, and I don’t have enough strength anymore to wrest it back.

    I’m so very tired of walking this path every day. (That’s NOT suicide ideation, just to get that out of the way.) I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I think what keeps me going is a small remaining spark within me that knows I have so much more potential than I’m using. That, and somehow, even after all the failed therapy and drugs, I still feel like SOMEBODY out there has got to be able to help. Your amazingly accurate post, Alison, has given me a little hope, and maybe your book will be the help I’ve needed. I still do feel like there’s hope out there for all of us commenting here. And I guess that’s how I’ll limp into tomorrow. Thank you for the article. It’s good to see some people understand.

    • KT April 30, 2015, 11:58 pm

      Geez, I really do need to sleep now; I read this multiple times and still made my most common and annoying typo. 4th paragraph correction: I’m NOT delusional about my competency. (And I’m not; things really are like that.) Anyway, goodnight, everyone. Thanks for listening.

    • Jay May 2, 2015, 9:16 pm

      were you prescribed anti-depressants? if you could walk away from your problematic day job and do something else, what do you think it would be?
      i identify with the part you wrote about locking the door and avoiding emails and only allowing for minimal contact with those around you. that’s what i do as well. i can’t imagine having a problematic work environment that you’re related to, by blood. must feel inescapable.

  • Michelle May 1, 2015, 7:17 am

    Ibfeelvlike this ALL THE TIME. It comes and goes but its always there, hidden!

  • insatiable May 2, 2015, 1:01 am

    Hello..I appreciate this article a lot. I fit this to a tee. I have been this way for at least 3 years…i guess I would like to know how to find help when I have no support. I’m all alone. I only have 4 true friends that don’t really know this side about me. No one knows how sad and depressed I am. I know that i need to talk to someone. I just need to know there’s a point to living a life constantly full of sadness and loneliness.

  • Jay May 2, 2015, 8:12 pm

    Interesting. I googled “depression not enough time in day” and this came up about being creative without an outlet. It’s interesting to me in that I am an aspiring filmmaker/screenwriter and i feel as though i’m in a huge landslide of a depression at the moment and I know it’s because i feel entirely fruitless when it comes to creating/writing. i wake up 2 hours earlier than i need to just to watch a movie and hopefully feel okay abut having to go to a job that has nothing creative to it (i use movies like anti-depressants i guess). I try to write in that time but i can’t. i jump around and get stuck and start and restart everything. i completed 5 screenplays before i started working. so it’s not like I can’t actually get the work done. it’s just that my everyday life feels so debilitating that i am distracted with thoughts of what I’m going to have to face in the coming day. i prefer to be on my own and not be surrounded by people so that makes my day job hard. i always prefer the night. and on those days where my boss lets me come in after-hours at like 6pm to work i feel way better. i get through my work i come home at 3am and i can work with a little more flow. basically i think i just have social anxiety that is eating up my creative abilities. unless it’s doing what i love. if I’m filmmaking, i have no problem with social interaction. everyday i feel like I’m just catching up. i get up go to work, get home and get errands done for the next day then have to be in bed. and my only weekends i am in a relationship with a very demanding girl who is a bit oblivious to signs of depression or fatigue. she is a diagnosed borderline personality…so having my free time taken up by spending time with her adds to it (and if i don’t spend time with her i feel guilty like i’m abandoning her). I constantly feel either depression or guilt or an interesting concoction of the two. this is the first time i have even written down a summation of my life so if it is rambling it’s because it is the 1st time I’ve thought about it fully and gotten it out. films are a direct route to happiness for me. i at least feel blessed in that i know what it is that i love in life. i feel happy that i at least have a target to aim at. and sometimes even just watching a great movie works. it clears my head and fills it with wonder and excitement and carries me through the day. but as of late, those glimpses of reprieve have been scant.

  • annieinmyhead May 4, 2015, 12:27 am

    I feel so estranged from my “friends.” Every day seems a struggle, and i weakly mention it- “another day of bullsh*t” or “this week is really getting to me,” but no one really notices. Im just the depressive girl at work, who can also be a psychotic bitch. My best friend left me because I’m “too depressive;” I see her weekly at work and it breaks my heart. I cant seem to be happy. I try every day to think today is going to be better than yesterday; I will be happier than I was yesterday. And then nighttime comes and i realize today was exactly the same as all the days before. I was just as distant as every other day, I was just as weighed down as I was the day before, I was just as tired as yesterday. Even this post seems hard to type, and you all are complete strangers with no impact on my life. I still feel like I cant really describe how i feel. I feel like Ive described the tip of the iceberg, with so much more waiting beneath, too awful to say aloud. I feel like I should be somewhere else, but I’m too trapped to run.

  • Confuse May 4, 2015, 5:54 pm

    I feel like everyday that goes by I increasingly feel no meaning. I wake up for no reason. I’m still in school and for what? Everyday gets harder and harder to do normal every day activities. There something wrong with me but I do not understand. No one around me seems to care, oppositely they hinder my behavior. Ever since I began school, it open my eyes from my own ignorance. But, sad due to seeing the world not as happy as I presume. Will this never end?

  • Mary May 7, 2015, 9:32 am

    I feel useless everyday. I hate where I work and am jealous that I never got to follow my dream of being a member of the armed forces. I married young and have no children. My husband really never worked, so it has all been on me. All he ever thinks about is sex, which I’ve came to detest, so I just fake it every time. i would rather sleep all day and night rather than face another day of hopelessness and depression. I already take medication for this and can’t afford any more meds. I’ve all but given up on life. “The thrill of living is gone, long before the grave”.

    • Ankit Bahri July 16, 2015, 5:39 pm

      Hi Mary

      Feel for you. I’m gay though and i’m struggling to adapt to the gay culture which is very bitchy and self centered. I have been suffering from depression, social anxiety for whole of my life as far as i know. I’ve given up as i have no strength left to raise again and struggle and then come back to the same black hole. i don’t know what to do. I’m crying what have i done wrong.

  • Carrie May 10, 2015, 9:33 pm

    This is an AH-mazing article, well written and such depth and truth. The last few weeks I’ve felt flat….just no happy happy or sad sad. Just blah. Heaven only knows how I ended up here but this piece is SPOT ON and has helped me realize that there is something that needs to be addressed. I’ve dealt with clinical depression and such in the past, maybe I chose to live in denial because dealing with depression can be hard and takes amazing strength and belief in ones self. You gotta grab hold of something and fight with every resource out there to see that the best is yet to come. The light will shine. *this is a life changing moment for me. And I love it.

  • Kaitlyn May 13, 2015, 7:17 pm

    Thank you for putting up your research,I have been unhappy for a pretty long while. I’m 15 and I have gone through a divorce with my parents but I understand it was for the best with them.I was moved to a new place with my mother and still have problems with my emotions.I’m hipacritical I tell my family and Freind that its okay to show emotions and to cry but yet I can’t I love helping them but opening up myself is something I find rather difficult,I’ve been told that my wisdom goes beyond my age but its observation and exsperences mostly,still I find myself getting upset on days for no apparent reason I have gotten into poetry as a coping mechanism to help relieve some of those feelings,but I thank you again and I hope I can try and find something to make me happy.have a nice night.

  • Eli May 15, 2015, 10:23 am

    Im suffering from abandonment issues and severe depression. I was with someone for almost two years. She told me everything I wanted to hear. For a long time, she was my best friend. I loved her. Eventually she got a new job and met a guy who worked there and she cheated on me with him multiple times. She left me soon thereafter. I don’t understand how someone could ever do that to another human being.

    It’s been about eight months now, and I’ve attempted suicide twice. I don’t know what I did wrong. She was my best friend. And she destroyed everything. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give my whole heart to anyone else ever again, and that terrifies me. I don’t want to marry someone without having that best friend feeling again. I just don’t see myself ever being able to love like I used to. Before I was abandoned.

  • eric May 17, 2015, 11:00 pm

    i just want to be functional. Is that too much to ask? can’t enjoy my hobbies anymore. At this point I don’t even know if they ever were hobbies. I want to write but putting the effort makes me anxious. I want to organize myself but I experience burnout every 3 days. that’s how much i can stick to a routine without feeling mentally driven to a wall. i feel like i have to force myself to do and like anything. how can anyone live such a life?
    was i born this way? i can’t remember a time i was every truly happy, because i’ve felt this shitty since i was ten years old. now i’m 20, and i truly think it’s a joke to think i can turn my life around after ten years of misery and internal destruction.
    i won’t kill myself because i don’t have the gut too, but i don’t want to live like this either.

  • Derek May 18, 2015, 11:41 am

    I liked your article, and no, I don’t like a great many things. Thanks for the kind words. It’s rare to find a bit of understanding in regard to our conditions.

    I’d say “stay positive” or something like that, but the truth is, this world we live in warrants sadness. I’d gladly embrace happiness, if only it were sane to do so.

  • Katrina May 20, 2015, 9:57 am

    I can’t even put into words the desperation I feel working at a job I despise, but don’t leave because of insurmountable debt & health insurance. I would lose my car, the respect of my significant other. I have NO confidence. I have stayed at a job for 10+ years where my boss says deliberately mean things to me that I know aren’t true…but they stick. He also sexually harrasses me, but I have no real ‘proof’.It’s a small office & it’s just he & I. He’s an ignorant slob who thinks he is the most intelligent human on earth and everyone else is a moron. He uses terrible language, he makes fun of people who are disabled or poor. He’s an only child raised by parents he calls by their first name and he treats them like crap too! I know WAY too much about his personal life…his sex life with his wife (or lack thereof) in particular. I’m tired of him blaming me for EVERYTHING – and most, if not ALL, of the mistakes are HIS. I was negligent because I didn’t catch it. He is a professional. He takes advantage of me and treats me like a slave in front of clients to make himself look important…but it makes me look weak and stupid. I know he thinks I’ll never leave, because I did once, but came back because I realized I would lose my car & insurance. (I didn’t tell him that was the reason). I know he will NEVER find someone to stay here as long as I have, once they see his REAL personality. I come home in a crappy mood. My only sister that lives in this state doesn’t talk to me because our political affiliations are different. (SO STUPID, I know) I try to reach out to her all the time, she never answers or she’s curt and accusatory when we do speak. I have 7 other sibs. If I don’t call them. They don’t call me, except for my birthday. We all (with the exception of my one sister) live in different states. We have a family reunion coming up, which my kids are looking so forward to (they are adults, living on their own) but I would do almost anything to just go home, and not participate in any family events. I know it would hurt my kids, though. I suck. I know. No one can help me but me. And I’m just too tired to even think about what I would do if I left here. I have NO other skills. I’m good with people. I love to write, but can’t even put a coherent journal together in sequence. I love to create art, to play the guitar, but unless there is some specific REASON to do it, I always have some other chore that is much more ‘important’ than doing what I want. I have no friends that live close. I used to have close work friends, but they are no longer in touch because they live far away or they’ve moved on to new work friends. I know no one can help me and I only commented to vent. I am more like the walking dead.

    • Blake September 3, 2015, 8:50 pm

      Wow ok you need to not worry about what others think if that is getting in the way of doing what you need to do, which is find a new job. Everyone sucks get over it. Hell getting a backpack and go camping somewhere far away, with no plan except living, sounds like a better option, than the one you’re choosing. Do something you enjoy that will make you better than most people, and is more important than most things. Everyone wants to pay off their debt and have a nice car, but that isn’t as important as being happy. Sometimes you have to fail an start new. I hate failing I hated not paying my debts losing a house and vehicle . But those we’re just things that are being replaced. I cannot replace the time I spent in misery. For me life has gotten real hard my pride has been crushed, and that has taught me lessons. Lessons I wouldnt have gotten otherwise and I have become stronger. Things still are not always perfect i’m still learning, but I accept that. You can change things and you should. Also everyone’s insecure and has shortcomings they just pretend they’re perfect an you reinforce their pretentiousness by not showing your confidence. Remember deep down everyone is sad and scared and by knowing that you can laugh at them, you can put yourself above their small minded judgments. Enjoy yourself and Live. the chores will wait for you

  • jayne May 23, 2015, 1:45 pm

    Wow. This almost describes my feelings on a day to day basis, I have always known I suffer from depression but I kind of deal with it by telling myself my feelings are just irrational and not there for a reason, that there is no reason for me to be sad because my life isn’t bad and I should be greatful for the things I have. Some days it’s easy to tell myself that, other days it’s not so easy.

    • jayne May 23, 2015, 1:52 pm

      I also find it so easy to smile and ask others how their day is and if someone is to ask how I am, I can’t for the life of me give them the honest response that I’m in need of a helping hand, some reassurance, anything because then I would be a negative vibe on that person, something bringing their day down, I don’t want place that kind of burdan on the people around me.

  • Melissa May 23, 2015, 7:37 pm

    I like the advice. I’ll read it every morning. Spend time creating. Beautiful. There may be one or two missing: movement and spending time in nature. just taking a walk can be so uplifting.

    Rest.
    Make use of medication and other physical treatments.
    Do therapy.
    Practice gratitude.
    Make connections.
    Reduce your responsibilities.
    Spend time creating.
    Change your thoughts.
    Develop a meaning practice.
    Change your life.

  • Jordan May 24, 2015, 3:55 pm

    I have noticed a change in me, a change for several months now. I work, but lost the passion in my career, lack of motivation. Every morning I awake and I’m tired and regularly ask myself why do I even bother going to work. Around people I (pretend?) to be happy, whilst deep inside I am far from it. I have no or little interest in my hobbies anymore, I start worrying about money (for bills and the alike) I never thought/ stress over these things previously. I am jealous of other people around me they seem to have more luck?, more of the good life, and here’s me struggling. They must have had some good fortunes in their life. I just wonder if I do have a form of depression, perhaps it’s a mid- life crisis. (If there is such a true meaning to it). I figured things happen for a reason, if I keep trotting on, maybe I’ll wake up one morning and have total opposite to everything that I’ve written here.

    • Sam Bahri July 16, 2015, 5:46 pm

      Hi Jordan
      I feel the same especially the jealousy part. I don’t know how this thing came into me. I get frustrated irritated when i see people smiling, bfs-gfs holding hands and i start comparing my life with them and feel down the dump.

  • Michelle May 26, 2015, 9:41 am

    I just want talk to someone because I can’t tell anyone, I found that I didn’t have any deep friends and my sisters will not able to listen to me and my mother is too old didn’t understand what I am feeling, even today is my birthday but no one send a message to me, I just feeling alone and I just want to fly to other world, turn into a butterfly and travel thought out the flowers and then died.
    My job is bored, my life is full of unlucky, I will not have luck in any thing, if I got a tiny good thing, the God will take away something much important and let me cry,if I jealous someone then someone being so good and drives me crazily, so I just leave alone because if no one see me and I will not being worse and can have a moment calm time, but I hate this life and I hate to be like that, can I have a new life I want fly want to fly around the flowers … But I still like living in hell a never stop hell around me all the time …

    • cherie May 26, 2015, 12:33 pm

      Happy Birthday Michelle, I care

    • Cristina October 16, 2015, 8:10 pm

      Hi Michelle, how are you today?

  • Cherie May 26, 2015, 12:23 pm

    I always knew I had a form of depression. In recent years I decided I need more time for me, for my passions. My choices have been detrimental to my health, my body is in decline. Very little of my time is spent on artistic endeavors. I am suffering…..it is time for a change. I knew what I needed, and ignored the signs. No more!!! You have inspired me to take care of myself. What good am I to others if I don’t?

  • Clark May 27, 2015, 7:48 pm

    I believe I was walking depressed for years, but actually getting very involved with my three kids addressed it. The kids are grown, and what do I do, what makes me happy? We are pretty well set for retirement and I’m absolutely terrified, panic attacks when thinking abut retiring. What will I do, watch TV.. I like work for the challenges and the commraderre. I’m scared. I’m 56 and feel like I’m too old to change or I am embarrassed to have to change, like I should be complete at this age, wise and confident, not confused and terrified.

  • Mondo May 28, 2015, 2:35 pm

    I’m so sad that I have to leave.

    I mean, I very often think about the fact that I have to leave … this existence, not immediately but sometime, and it makes me so sad.

  • Ms.Unhappy May 28, 2015, 4:28 pm

    I feel this way everyday for some reason. I can’t find happiness anywhere

  • Debs May 28, 2015, 11:57 pm

    This is so me…i just dont want to carry on anymore. ..life is just soo hard.

  • anthony May 29, 2015, 10:44 pm

    Hi I’m 23 an I live with my dad and take care of him each day I get up an feel sluggish an think just go back to sleep I don’t feel like getting out doing anything I always make plans to do things i ts just when i t gets time to do them I don’t feel like it or am disinterested in doing it or if I start it half way threw I get tired of it an turn to hate it I snap a ppl easy an then its like y do I even get out of bed I have no job my dad is my job no friends anymore I don’t talk to anyone don’t go anywhere in case my dad needs me I don’t go to doctors cuz I don’t have insurance nore can I get qualified for insurance school was no fun I didn’t do good in school I barly graduated I I’m just tired tired of all of it my stomach hurts in the mornings well most times noon stay up till 3 or 5 a.m; I get head ace a lot an I’m a 2pack a day smoker with out them I would have already flipped my lid already well what do you think I could go on all day I just gave u the cliff notes

  • wendy June 2, 2015, 1:30 am

    You will most likely not see this but im 45 I’ve been single for 5 years and made loads of mistakes. I have dealt with depression and loneliness as long as i can remember currently in the process at 45! Of conquering a nasty 2 year long amphetamine addiction thats almost ruined me I cry every day and have many panic attacks realizing that I will die someday im at a loss what to do with no friends and not much family support the happy person thats in me to be is just a broken spirit

  • Gary June 3, 2015, 10:53 am

    This has been my life for the last 20 years.

    I get up, shower, feed myself, get to my desk to work at home on time every day… My assignments get turned in on time, I receive occasional praise, I land new clients, and I manage to pay my bills and live a responsible life.

    But I am utterly and completely miserable. Every Day.

    When I tell people about my depression they don’t believe me. “You’re always to funny, trying to make people laugh. ” If only they knew.

    I’ve been on every antidepressant known to mankind, spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapy, tried exercise and even ran marathons for a while. Sometimes things like that stick for awhile, I completely pore myself into them, and then I never want to do them again.

  • chirag June 6, 2015, 3:39 am

    Im 32 and suffer from depression since 2008/9 I think. sometimes I feel fine and other time I feel really depressed. I suffer from insomnia too and not sure if that is caused by depression or the other way round. after a sleepless night I then feel depressed after. I tend to have problems sleeping 2-3 times a week on average.

    my life is just about work and gym. I go to gym to make myself feel better. but I think progress has been really slow as the insomnia doesn’t help. this causes me to feel even bad. I don’t really like work (only good thing is the money) so I get this feeling of life being completely pointless.

    I never have been in a relationship. I thought I was gay but last year I realised in fact I am an asexual. I just don’t seem to be going anywhere. just really have no interest in anything.

    I get suicidal thoughts but have never attempted anything. I feel one of these days I will and hope to end this miserable life.

    chirag

    • Ankit July 16, 2015, 5:55 pm

      Hi Chirag

      Well that is exactly my life but i’m gay. I’m quite fit physically as i love working out but for some reason i’m having hard time adapting the gay culture as the culture is so bitchy and self centered, i have no friends as i’m not into scene and frankly speaking i don’t really like the scene. My life is pretty much dull.

  • Jo June 6, 2015, 6:57 am

    This is me, I am angry, I am redundant, I have no desire for anything, I am unhappy and making others unhappy blaming them. Until today autopilot seemed easier, I have hit a wall today though where I realise I cant go on like this. I cant talk to anyone as I dont really want people to realise that I am a failure, I am not strong and I am really at the end .This is said with tears streaming down my face, I am tired of making others unhappy.

  • need help June 6, 2015, 8:10 am

    I have every thing i need in my life, money, family, few friends, good business, i am tall ad look descent, i travel over seas.. But i feel sad at all the time, i manage to get sad at one point no matter what, i feel what am i doing with my life? i fell i am not worth any thing! i am not good enough (Though there is no on to judge), i feel i am going to end up a looser at one point in my life. I try and cry it out, but i cant seem to cry though i have tried every thing, lately i feel distanced form my own family, i don’t talk to them i don’t share much, i feel lost… I don’t know what to do? if any one has answer to that then please do share. One i feel this for a long time now, my family or friends don’t see no change in me.

  • Melanie Lowrance June 7, 2015, 9:05 am

    How can we put ourselves first & be creative with two toddlers?!?! I am desperately depressed because I LONG to be creative but it’s always a disaster with the kids. They interrupt & need something constantly or make bigger messes than normal anytime I try to craft or paint. It’s not even worth attempting to do what my heart is longing to do because I know I’ll just end up more frustrated. But I’m so sad that I can’t do the creative things anymore. I feel like the real me has to die so I can become this robotic mom. It’s exhausting, depressing & suffocating.

  • Colby O. June 9, 2015, 1:42 am

    Its hard to admit to people that I’m depressed because people often refer to depressed people as being over dramatic or just trying for attention. Ive never had family members, friends, mentors, etc to feel close to and talk about my issues without feeling the sudden urge of judgement from others. I can act fine all the time like nothing ever bothers me. I’m constantly looking for success because I’m always seeing everyone so happy in their lives. Ill be up for hours on end during the nights searching for opportunities to try and make my life better. Its a never ending cycle and I often blame my mom and my real dad for never being there. My mom turning for drugs, leaving me at her friends house while I was young not being able to find a way to school, letting her boyfriends hold us at gun point, abuse, and I just wish I could start life all over in a family that cared for eachother. I often wish I had a better jumpstart on life instead of still learning about opportunites to success on my own at the age of 21. I felt that having my own family would change the way I feel about not having a real family and it hurts because I realise at times I don’t spend much time with them often because I constantly feel like I’m going to fail and ill never make it any where. Idk if love or happiness exist because of the fact I’m constantly searching for happiness. I try changing my mom by talking to her and asking her to change but she suffers from anxiety, depression, schitzo, paranoia, and shes been to terrell texas (mental institute) and she’s so far gone that there’s no coming back at the age of 36. Makes life seem so short.. I realise that many people have it much worse and there’s s much more for me to explain but I’m not afraid of death because I know where ever I go, will be much better

  • kelly June 11, 2015, 7:51 am

    I’m struggling with some situational depression because of a broken ankle, but I’m very slowly beginning to realize that the problem is deeper than that. I think I’ve been one of the walking depressed for more than 10 years. Wife, mom, business-owner, but unhappy shadow of a person. It’s really a shock to sit back and finally see it.

  • drew June 11, 2015, 12:36 pm

    I like the article you wrote. I used to be in sales, I was pretty damn good at it, I couldn’t finishing paying for art school after my scholarship was gone, so I worked on commission and self taught myself graphic and web design. I landed a job and was laid off after a year so o decided to put sales and design together and became a freelancer.

    That was 7 years ago. Most of my friends would probably still use the words creative and driven to describe me, but the truth is I’m barely holding on. I had a nasty childhood, but I have a fantastic wife, but I still can’t shake the idea that if I was gone her life would certainly be better.

    I can’t even picture myself telling someone how I feel about this, I miss chatting with people everyday, but now my old charming, creative, driven self is like an act. I’m really good at turning on that part of me but I can’t help but hating myself for pretending.

    Its weird to say but I’m pretty sure I hate myself for being depressed.

  • Arlene Martin June 13, 2015, 1:25 am

    I’ve read most all the comments. I can so identify. I will be 70 years old, been taking depression medicine for almost 14 years. I still feel I’m wasting my life. I have a foster son who is 21, in prison for 8 months due to the wrong choice and behavior. I have tried to save people my whole life. I cannot save him. I cannot even save myself…..I am good looking, live on a very quiet lake, am well blessed with many achievements in my life, used to love and laugh, had two dogs, had to have mercy on one dog due to kidney failure two weeks ago. She was an abused rescue, I loved her so much, it has been two weeks since she’s crossed over. My other dog is so sad; she knows. I can feel it from her, she’s 11. I fear something will happen to her. I love her so much. I was a victim of a ponzi scheme by my financial planner. He is in prison for 8 years, but there was no mercy for me as ALL my money is gone. I had a great job, worked for 32 years, retired 14 years. I had a horrible childhood, one could not make it up. I sometimes try to talk about it, but no one seems to understand it or even believe it. It was a nightmare!!!! People tend to think I over react, exaggerate. and don’t tell the truth. People talk about me in the family, think I’ve changed, don’t bother with me, but again I now see what type of people they are….finally, I see the true value of their character. They loved the old “me” …….I’ve been so stressed over the years, I’m overweight (way too much) ….considering gastric bypass at nearly 70….still trying to find that little girl that was so happy until about 9. I have seen therapist after therapist since I was 35 years……hasn’t helped me…..find me.

    People, whom I have loved for years , are not available to me. I spent my whole life, loving having good times being with friends, family, loving their children…instead of ME having my own children I chose not. I am not married for over 47 years as I was so deeply hurt, one of my relationships involved 12 years of his life and mine. I actually fired him due to the fact I could not handle him and my mother at the same time. He was honest, sincere, we had so much fun. He asked me to marry him 3 times, but NO I fired him. My Mother had brain tumors for 28 years, both of my parents were deaf, I had no life as they lived through me. It wasn’t about me….it was always about them. Both my parents have departed, I gave my whole life for them. What a terrible mistake! I don’t know how I exist as I am the walking depressed.

    Anyone reading this…..take my advice, let go (try hard) and live….I can’t undo what happened to me. What I chose to do, but at nearly 70, I now feel and see it’s almost too late for me. I don’t know what to do as I’ve been a “care taker” of others all my life. Always trying to fix it…..just reading this makes so sad as there is no one to take care of but me, I can’t even do that. No one would believe I am the walking depressed……..

    Please take my advice…as life slips by so quickly!

  • Lana June 13, 2015, 10:44 pm

    When I was 11 my brother sexually abused me multiple times and when I got into high school I got depression and anxiety from it. I’m scared easily and people laugh at me because of that. I recently told my mom about my brother and she kicked him out but even now I feel sad and hopeless and I want to give up.

  • Medina June 14, 2015, 5:31 am

    I have been very depressed for the past few months. It makes me so sad to wake up in the morning and see the sun, that’s why I always have my curtains down. Just the thought of leaving my house is overwhelming, there is nothing worse. My house is my comfort zone, it’s the only place I feel safe. I have turned my phone off and taken the batteries out, just to be completely sure that i won’t get any messages or phone calls. I don’t want to talk to any people or see anybody. I just lay in my bed all day long. Crying has become a very common routine of my day. The tears just roll down my cheeks nonstop as I am just laying in bed. Even though I do cry a lot, I don’t really know what I’m feeling. Is it sadness? loneliness? or what is it. The point is I have a hard time recognizing my feelings and emotions. I just seem to be lost in a dark place, where I’m slowing dying little by little. As I’m writing this I have a major headache, I’m guessing it’s due to the fact that my mind is under a lot of pressure. I just can’t seem to do anything about it. I have been thinking about committing suicide, because I don’t really know what else to do. I feel as though the chances of my getting better is getting smaller and smaller. The distance between the old, happy me and me now is getting more distanced than ever. It seems as though I have forgotten how it feels to be normal and to laugh and be happy. The things that used to matter and the people who used to matter to me, doesn’t matter anymore. I simply don’t care anymore. There is nothing that I enjoy any longer. I spend my time planing how I should commit suicide. There is a place maybe around 20 km away from my home. It is a very beautiful place that is very familiar to me, because I have been there so many times with my family back when I was the old me. It’s a place out near the ocean. There are tall cliff where you can sit and watch the ocean. I’m thinking about going on top of one of the cliffs and jump down into the ocean. Luckily I can’t swim, so there is no way I will survive once I jump into the ocean. I’m just tired of being in this dark place and there doesn’t seem to be any hope of me getting better. And then there is this a side to me that doesn’t want to get better. I don’t care about getting better. There is absolutely no reason to get better. I know I have a very negative point of view right now, but this is what it’s like to be depressed. I don’t care. I don’t care that people who cared for me are going to get hurt if I commit suicide. I don’t care about nobody. They will be fine without me. Maybe be sad for a while, but then they will move on with their lives and my death will be a think of the past. There is so much bad in this life and of course there are good things as well. But the bad things just seem to overshadow the good things. I don’t want the good neither the bad. I just want to leave this world for good. I don’t see any point in staying. I don’t see any point in fighting to get better. I have woken to many mornings and felt like I have to survive just another day. With the thought of that Just maybe things will be a little better tomorrow. Just maybe I will find a reason to stay. I have waited for too long. I think it’s time to leave. Pack my stuff and say goodbye.

    • Sam July 16, 2015, 6:07 pm

      Medina i feel the same everyday what you wrote it down. Life just seems to be so hard meaningless and without hope. i don’t know what to do.

  • A stressed 18yr old June 16, 2015, 2:47 am

    I read your article and nothing in it couldn’t be anymore true about me, just if I stop walking it’s usually because I wanna stop breathing. Life was never presented to me the same way as my peers and I’ve always felt unloved because of it, and no matter how I tried to show my feelings none of them truly understood and they would just continue being so insensitive with me and they’d just make me feel like something is wrong with me, they are the people who are supposed to care about me the most and I barley feel comfortable holding a conversation with them. There is so much I feel that they don’t know about me just because I feel like it’s all just gonna turn into some joke to them. The only person I’ve ever felt so close to is a complete stranger as crazy as it sounds they are my only light in my endless black hole of a life and I feel so thankful for them if they were gone I know I’d just lose it, because I’d feel like I’ve lost everything then, I don’t even love my spouse the way I do them and I just lie to myself everyday about it because I know without them I am truly alone and I know that it sounds shallow but what else am I supposed to do, I feel like my entire life has just been a giant cry for help and no one will answer and they at least try to help me but they still fuck me up just as bad inside like everyone else and I keep just making up excuses for them just cause I wanna belive they are different but there just the same as everyone else and I just don’t know how I feel about them anymore its like I’m in this relationship that I’m not sure if I should even let go of or not. I just recently turned 18 and all I can think about is just how is a wreck like me supposed to face the world when I can barely stand up for myself, there just isn’t any hope for someone like me and I just want it to be over with already, I have no home, I have no friends, I have no job, I have no life, and I’m not even emotionally stable enough to survive and I know it and I keep trying to just end my life but i just keep failing and I’m just living with the reality that everything is just gonna fail for me eventually and I’ll die out on the streets a fuckin hobo.

    • A stressed 18yr old June 16, 2015, 2:52 am

      The way how I found this article was just a product of my endless search for help, I just feel so tired of doing this and I just hope I finally just die one of these days so it can be over and I don’t have to worry about dieing alone on the streets one day

  • frances June 16, 2015, 3:53 pm

    I love my husband and I think he loves me too but he is not an attentiveness person. He doesn’t kiss me, touch me, caress me , hold me . especially make love to me. He is always tired but he comes home from work staight to the computer and won’t let go of the mouse. His eyes are fully focus on his search and his brain. He could sit on his computer chair all day until bed time then tells me good night that he’s going to bed. That’s his life. He told me one time that he will change and make me feel like a woman but that’s only for a week or two. Back to his same routine. Please help me

    • koc December 25, 2015, 7:30 pm

      I thought you’re talking about me.

  • Leanne June 17, 2015, 6:04 pm

    I’ve just realised I have depression. For 2-3 years I’ve struggled with lack of energy and motivation. I quit my full time job 3 years ago because I’ve always wanted to be an artist. I’m 54 and thought if I don’t do it now I’ll never do it, and it has always been what I’ve always wanted to do. My job became stressful because of the people, my Father died who I adored, my kids moved out to start their life. I have been coping OK up till now I thought. I put the extreme fatigue and lack of motivation to do anything down to menopause. My husband went away 4 days ago for a holiday with his mates and since then I have realised how depressed I am and how I rely on him to make my life/world OK. I expect him to ring me once a day at a certain time but he rings me late and of course he’s excited about his holiday. I get strung up and upset when he doesn’t ring when I expect him to which turns to anger and then after our conversation I feel like the worst wife ever who can’t let her husband enjoy his holiday. I have tried to channel my time into my art which has helped but today I ran out of a colour, the shops didn’t have it and now I don’t know what to do with the rest of the day. I have ordered some SAM-e but have to wait for it to arrive. I feel like a fraud. Everyone knows me as a very laid back person with a wonderful life, a wonderful husband so I feel guilty that I am depressed. What have I got to be depressed about? Nothing if you write down the positives of my life. A new friend who is a nurse asked me if I was depressed, of course I denied it but she has rung me while my husband has been away, so maybe she sees the signs. I don’t feel like anyone would believe me if I told them I was depressed. I had mild depression years ago and went to a psychologist and when I tentatively told my sister it was like she didn’t hear me. My sister-in-law told me to pull up my socks and get on with it. I don’t tell anyone about how I feel, not even my husband who wouldn’t understand anyway. I just want to be normal and not a weirdo who presents to the world as a quiet happy person but at home is a mess.

  • Anonymous June 20, 2015, 6:05 am

    lack of motivation and being to tired to move is the bane of my life. I wake up miserable and spend the day miserable, go to bed miserable. I don’t know how to confine others and I don’t know where to look for help. My life feels like it’s deteriorating around me. I feel nothingness, emotions, people, activities, life.. It all means nothing. This post is the only thing that makes me feel not so alone.

  • Caiti June 21, 2015, 1:41 pm

    I can’t describe how much this article speaks to me…so on point, that it seems coincidental. I am your typical 20-something woman living the American dream; I am married to a man who lives to make me happy, we have a beautiful home complete with horses (my life-long passion), and I have a decent-paying job in my field of study that allows me to work from home…all wonderful things to have.

    Even with all of these blessings, I can’t help but feel hopelessly negative. As you describe in your article, I wake up already feeling overwhelmed by what the day may or may not bring. Because I work at home, every day is very structured, and I keep a disciplined schedule. My job can be very stressful (and at times, infuriating), but regardlesd of how the day is progressing, I feel myself tensing as if I’m anticipating walking over a ledge. And as you also mention, the evening represents my time to breathe, because yes, all of my tasks are done for the day.

    I feel as though the constant pressure that I place on myself to deal with the anxieties of my job has also alienated me from my husband and my passions. I have zero interest in intimacy (kinda hard when your mind can’t stop GOING), and I can’t get excited about horseback riding, which I used to anticipate with glorious abandon…it makes me so very sad to be deprived of that joyous feeling. Anymore, saddling up and going for a hack feels like yet another task that I must complete begore I can officially relax.

    I would love to take my life back…I often wonder if moving fairly far away from family/friends, losing a most beloved grandmother, and having my parents’ marriage dissolve all in the same year has somehow weakened my once strong, semi-fearless demeanor…like I am constantly awaiting the next gut-wrenching catastrophe.

  • Danielle June 22, 2015, 9:14 am

    I feel this every day and am just finally realizing that maybe its not because of this one little thing or that one little thing, i have learned to stop blaming other but that has also put a tremendous weight and guilt on my own self, trying to expect myself to find happiness in my own mind with no other change, I’ve gotten to a point where i am accepting that i do need life changes and help to find my real happiness. I have not always been this way but i have lost excitement for pretty much everything, i just wanted to share that your experience is very similar to mine and i appreciate the article, just reading it has opened my eyes to more than a few things. Thank you.

  • CJ June 23, 2015, 1:17 am

    I’m depressed. I don’t tell anyone, especially my husband because I know it would make him feel sad and helpless. He doesn’t understand. I think this is coming from a fact that I used to be great at what I did, now I got transferred against my will to another department where I feel clueless and helpless. Everyday I dread going to work. Sometimes I just get tired of living altogether, but I don’t want to leave this earth because I love my daughter so much. I tried killing myself before but too bad I survived. I’m just tired of being alive and doing this everyday but I have to for my daughter and husband.

  • Mary June 26, 2015, 6:50 am

    Everyone thinks i am SO lucky because I stay at home, but I have an autistic son that just DRAINS the life out of me. We also have a new puppy our daughter begged for but only takes care of it 10-25% of its care. She also doesn’t know Dad is watering her garden and the only reason mom doesn’t because the puppy, Dad, and autistic kid take up practically ALL of her time. I don’t have friends anymore. In fact, I have no friends except the one we (my husband and I) meet with once a week. I have NO friends that I meet with otherwise because I am too busy with the house, the autistic son, the puppy and the rest. My husband doesn’t even have plans anymore. He says “we’ll do something” if he feels like he can, but we must do something sometime and is mad when I don’t have everything planned, cleaned, ready, and organized, whether it is a trip, the house, our son not together, clean, ready and acting and growing up right (without any help or support group! he HATES “charity”), the dog training and up to snuff on schedule, etc. I don’t mind the work, but I DO mind NO concrete future plans. I know he gets sick, I know his job isn’t all that stable anymore due to the economy, I know his back hurts him, I know he is tired, I know he and the kids are dealing possibly with strep right now. I know he wants something better but he doesn’t look for jobs because he is waiting for “direction”, but when the weekend comes and he wants to go on a trip, all I hear is we must be “ready”, but it depends on how he feels. THis even goes for dropping the dog off at a kennel. He doesn’t get that kennels needs prior warning and perhaps even paperwork, and he’s the one with the PH.D. and somehow I have to make it all work. I don’t understand what he is ON. I can’t tell people we “might” then tell we AREN’T or ARE the day we are COMING. What the hell is WRONG with him?? I would rather do NOTHING than have that happen EVERY WEEKEND. I get tired of such things. THe other day he decided we were going out in the morning, then the plans got changed suddenly, then he complained like heck about my horrible way of packing and what I didn’t need to bring and what I didn’t. I am going CRAZY over this. I already have a son that can’t seem to have a predictable day and a puppy that REQUIRES it, and a daughter that is blissfully unaware that she just can’t decide to take a 4 hour bike trip and then go for a run and expect that someone else can take over HER responsibilities. I have tried MY BEST to work around all of them, plus demanding grandparents that want to see us or live with us or whatever and I can’t make it work anymore. I am sick myself and have an eye infection and sleeping less than six hours a night, and thanks to Obamacare our insurance is GONE, we can’t afford it anymore and my husband’s job is no longer stable. I would just like for him to BEGIN to say “this is our plans for this weekend” and STICK to it. Like I said, I would rather we don’t go anywhere because they all hate that, at least I find it easier to cope with. I would like him to look for another job if he needs to rather than complain and keep saying he has to wait for “direction.” Me taking a job? That’s OUT of the question, according to him. I can only make minimum wage. That’s true, but he is not happy and the rest of us aren’t either. I am tired of “I can’t find it, this house is disorganized!” when everyone else’s place looks like a wreck and when it comes to his office, I can’t clean up without “messing something up”. I think it would do WELL if WE all worked at it. But THAT’s NOT happening! It would be NICE if my son could stand ONE day of staying inside, and not be doing something or freaking out or demanding attention every five minutes. That makes every single task take three times longer than it should. He really thinks he can’t be without my direct attention or entertainment more than 2-3 minutes but I am NOT ALLOWED to get any help! My daughter can’t see why she should take responsibility for her puppy or why she can’t just take off and visit her grandma–it’s great she does, but since school let out she has spent 4 hours outside but is UNWILLING to spend that time with her dog or brother! I am putting my foot down on this today, if she had gotten the dog last year, and it was trained and she took a JOB contributing something and went to visit grandma after or before work it would be understandable, but that is NOT what she’s doing.
    Just last week, I got a call from a very capable young lady asking if she could take my son out a couple of times a week just to play in the park and asked if she could be paid for it. I would LOVE to say yes, but because i am a stay at home mom, somehow my husband and others think it’s wrong to have even that. And he keeps saying he’s got to take his mom on a trip to “help her” get out of her dementia funk. I think he is in denial of a lot of things, so is my daughter….WHEN are they going to get out of it???
    You can comment what you want, but I had to VENT somewhere. All my relatives and acquaintances work, so they have no time to listen, especially to a “lucky” person who “gets to sit at home.” Little do they know…and I am afraid to say anything to my husband, because I have but all I get is how I fall short of what I “could be.” So I would rather NOT. At least not RIGHT NOW.

    But it would be nice if he could DECIDE things more clearly, concretely and BEFORE the morning of before he wants to leave!!! Or give an hour to prepare before he wants to go on shorter day trips! And it would be REALLY great if he would clean his office. LET me throw a few things AWAY. Or let me burn up the fire pit waste wood and refuse (been sitting out for THREE MONTHS!) that he doesn’t want our son or dog to get into. OR actually decide to look for another job, or another place, or to go somewhere where we’d have to kennel the dog TWO DAYS BEFORE we leave! I can’t TAKE spontaneity anymore! I don’t have the ability to plan FAST or convince someone to take a dog the day of…if only he were more grounded in REALITY!

    • Mary Dieckmann June 26, 2015, 6:52 am

      Sorry for that, but just being able to put it down in words HELPS. Everyone else I know is TOO BUSY to listen, even our dog, it seems, but flies off the handle when I don’t meet their expectations.

  • Stacy June 26, 2015, 2:24 pm

    My life feels like a constant day dream i never feel alive anymore. Im awake but I’m not really awake. I know I’m pushing myself away from others but i can’t do anything about it I’m just dead inside. I can’t remember the last time i felt truly happy deep down or the last time my smile felt real. I feel like my chest gets stepped on and crushed every day. Sometimes my thoughts bring me to the point that i can’t even breath, and i just pause and then hate everything even tho i don’t want to care i can never stop caring and my caring is what crushes me every time. everything inside of me is dragging me down. I just want to wake up and feel alive again and feel happiness again, every day of my life I’m forcing myself to be happy and its exhausting. Im always tired and every time i wake up i dread the day knowing i have to get out of my bed. I have no support from anyone for how i feel. My mother gets mad at me when i try and explain to her and all she wants to do is lock me up at home and show me what real depression feels like so i continue to do this and it emotionally and mentally exhausting. I don’t feel close to anyone I’m so distanced i can’t be honest with anyone about this because they won’t help or support me in anyway. I continue to tell myself one day ill wake up but its been so long I’m starting to feel hopeless and i just don’t wanna do this anymore. I have been trying to do this on my own for so long to get out of this slump and i can’t. Drinking makes me feel worse, coffee only give me happiness till the cup if gone, sometimes i will have panic attacks when i start thinking i have nothing left for my life and its going to be like this forever. I have tried dieting i have tried eating more i have tied sting healthier i have tried focussing on myself, I have tried working out, I have tried vitamins, it honestly feels hopeless.

  • Kathy June 28, 2015, 8:53 am

    I found your blog by Google. You defined me completely. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so desperately sad, life is completely overwhelming. I work every day and go through the motions of the things I’m supposed to do. No one seems to notice, although I feel I can hardly function most days lately. It seems to take every hour of the day just to get to the things I must do. I can’t seem to think or navigate to what to do to help myself. I called a psychiatrist to try to make an appointment, but they all seem to have voice mails and don’t return calls. When you suffer quietly, it is easy for everyone to ignore.

  • Crystal June 28, 2015, 1:03 pm

    I can’t even remember a time when i was happy, even when i was young. My memories are fading and its hard to retain anything new. I feel bored with everything, my work requires me to be cheerful and even that is getting to be too much. I feel responsible for everything in my household even though I’m married. I don’t talk to my husband about it because i feel stupid. He tries very hard to make me happy and that just makes me feel worse. I want to be alone. Always. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this because its completely embarrassing but thanks for listening.

  • Melissa June 28, 2015, 5:58 pm

    I have never read anything that felt so true to me. I am currently in a downer phase and read your article. I sat in the bathroom and cried while my kids and nieces were in the next room. I get by am often happy and even acheive things but since around age 13 have always lived with feelings of inadequacy and a wasted life. I can relate to all of the symptoms you talked about and have never suffered clinical depression but lived with depression all of my life (I’m 38). It’s up and down and I really am tired of feeling like this. How do I get help though?

  • Bridget Spencer June 29, 2015, 9:20 pm

    I think I’m depressed. I don’t really seem to know anymore. I lost a valuable companion almost two weeks ago. She was my cat, and we just seemed to understand each other. I was there for her, and she was there for me. But then, she died. Right in my arms. I watched as she convulsed and gasped and fought for every breath. I could do nothing. I could think of nothing.

    These past two weeks, I’ve been helping my father at work. Anything to get out of the house. Any work that didn’t take thinking. Anything, to get my mind off the fact that my lifelong companion that I had known since I was five was now gone.

    At first I was angry. Oh so very angry. I was angry at God. With his magnificent power, surely he could have healed her. I begged him, bargained with him, but it was all in vain. Did I not fulfill a certain unknown quota? Was my life to rich to be helped, but poor enough to want it? Why did others receive miracles? What made them so special?

    Then I was angry at my friends. A friend of mine told me how she felt when she lost her own companion. I was angry, because she had the resources to be able to try to do something. At this moment in time, we couldn’t afford to take her to the vet.

    I also became angry at the Government, blaming it for the financial situation we were in.

    My anger was so stupid. It wasn’t God’s fault. How could it be his fault when he either doesn’t exist or care. Perhaps, I am still angry at him, but my anger at my friends and my Government, were misplaced.

    The Government can’t help everyone. That’s impossible. There is simply too many of us.

    My friends only wanted to help me feel better. Living miles away, there was only so much they could do.

    Then days passed, and I felt that I was getting better. But, strangely I don’t think so. I don’t find fun in anything I do anymore. I’m always sleeping. When my brother asked me why, I told him, “I don’t miss her, when I’m asleep.”

    At times, I can’t seem to stop eating, but most of the time I’ve found I only eat when prompted, and then it isn’t a lot.

    I can’t get up in the mornings. I’m sluggish, and lately I’ve found that I can’t cry. I thought this meant I was getting over it, but I think I’m wrong.

    Everything hurts, especially my heart. It feels like it is bleeding, and honestly, I just wish it would stop. I find myself hoping that when I go to sleep, I won’t wake up. I want to die, so I can see my companion again. My beloved companion.

    I know I won’t commit suicide. Either I’m too weak or too strong to do so. I think it is because my companion once stopped me from doing it once before. She wouldn’t be able to live without me, just like I can’t seem to live without her.

    I don’t even know what compelled me to even talk about it here. Looking for help? I don’t know how anyone can help me now.

  • Mike June 30, 2015, 9:00 am

    I came to this site because of being in one of my constant depressed moods. I am astounded how many people feel the same way I do.
    All through my childhood, I was bullied in grade school which continued through high school. I was a skinny kid with very low self-esteem. I tried to build myself up and play football, which I deeply love, I was somewhat successful, but could not play anymore after some knee injuries. I gave up my dream afraid of further injuring my knees, and afraid I was not “big” enough to continue. I have regretted that decision ever since.
    Currently I have 4 kids, 1 out of college, 1 in college, and 2 just starting out in grade school. I tried to coach my first 2 sons in football instilling the desire to play. However, I failed at doing so and now I see them struggle mightily financially trying to payoff their student loans; where we do not get much help.
    It is not easy to be financially successful here in the Northeast with the high property taxes, Medical bills from one of my sons being a diabetic (Obamacare has made it so much worse), insurance, etc.
    I feel as if I am always working not for me and my family but everyone else. I live paycheck to paycheck and feel absolutely exhausted all the time. I have tried everything I can think of trying to increase my rate of pay so we can at least afford going on vacation.
    Life feels like a never-ending treadmill that just keeps getting faster. I do not enjoy life anymore and feel I just exist.
    I see other people my age doing well, having a second house, planning for retirement, enjoy watching their kids play in high school and college. I have not experienced any of this and always feel I will never get there. I cannot figure out why. I work hard each day (10-12 hour days) and it never gets any better.
    I always feel I should be further along: Financially secure, planning vacations, planning my future. However, I keep “spinning my wheels” and never seem to attain any of my goals. Always seem I am in “repair mode” never moving forward.
    I would love to be happy again and enjoy life, but cannot seem to find any resolutions and am always disappointed.

  • Jen July 1, 2015, 5:03 pm

    I’m 23 and just finished college and I also feel depressed. I wanted to lose weight ever since I was like 11 but my parents have been to hard on me so my escape has always been food, I’m like 25 lbs overweight and I feel like dieting and getting to my ideal weight would help a lot. But I can’t face quitting my job to get better because I would stay at home with my mom and she has hurt me so much that I couln’t even handle spending more time with her, my sister is really selfish and my parents are always trying to meet her demands while no one in my family even realizes something is wrong with me and that I’m unhappy. On the other hand my friends show their fakest colors everytime, I only feel used by them. And I don’t feel like meeting guys because the last time I truely loved someone he used me as a cover because he was gay and didn’t want people to find out. It’s like I have reached a point in my life when I feel like my whole life has been a lie. I don’t feel pretty or healthy, smart, useful or loved anymore by anyone, nobody has my back and I’m lonier than ever…

  • Anon July 4, 2015, 3:30 pm

    I need help. I feel trapped, anxious, lonely. I’m stuck and there is nothing I can do about it. I need somebody to take care of me.

    I got pregnant at 18 to an older man, left my job because I hated it and had this baby I wanted to spend every minute of the day with. A long chain reaction of events has led to now where I want to cry but have no tears, want to change but have no means. The father of my child repeatedly tells me he wants to kill himself because there’s no point to his life, telling me his son and I are of no value to him. I get up every day and try and make everyday fun for my toddler the whole time I just want to be in bed, crying. Then he comes home and the suffocating atmosphere gets even more suffocating with the shouting at video games, no conversation, no intimacy, no nothing except waiting anxiously hoping something doesn’t happen for him to get mad at. He likes his job but not everything that comes with it, he hates his pay, he hates the commute. He hates the area we live in. He says he doesn’t hate me but it feels like he does. I wish I could cry just for some relief but it won’t come.

  • Cerise July 8, 2015, 7:17 am

    Reading all these posts I feel such identification with all of you. I have just succeeded is seeing a therapist on the NHS and found that tears can help you. We all think that tears are signs of weakness, they shame us by appearing when we feel emotional. We all want to seem strong but our tears let us express the pain we’re feeling inside. Afterwards, do you feel a sense of release? Since my counsellor said I had tears banked up waiting to come out I have cried every day willingly without feeling ashamed of doing it. I am feeling a little bit better!

  • gayathri.s July 9, 2015, 6:20 am

    iam always scared

  • Mary July 10, 2015, 7:38 am

    Reading this made me cry. I recognise quite a lot of this. I’m constantly fighting to get out of this state but im just sinking further down. For almost a year I’ve been juggling two periods of a fulltime job and an ongoing fulltime mastersdegree program at the local university, without any breaks to relax. I don’t know how to relax anymore, not even now when I only have my exams. Its all culminating these days, I was looking forward to the long summer vacation break but due to complications at school I now have an oral exam to prepair for through the entire vacation. I feel completely alone with this burden, my friends have taken a distance to me and I don’t know what I have done wrong. I desperately need someone to talk to about all this, but I’m starting to think thats too much to ask for in a friend. I’m unhappy and exhausted all the fricken time, caffein is the only thing that turns my brain in ‘on’ mode for my exam work. I’m constantly searching for something to make me happy, a laugh a sugar rush – but the effects of candy and tv-shows are wearing off. Like described, I’m also getting by, I keep going and try to be there for everyone but I feel like I’m blocked. My last exam (written) took a great toll on me, and the final graded result didn’t compare to the rock bottom I hit and climbed up from while writing it. A feeling of pointlessness is therefore also shaddowing my attempt to work on this exam. I know in my heart that this education will get me to where I want to be, and that I’m done in a year. But a year seems endless, and I’m worried how this will end if I keep pushing myself at this stress level. After my “vacation” I’m due to start at a very demanding weekly 8am-16pm course at my university. The mere thought of that stresses me out because I barely feel like I have energy as it is. Everything in my body screams for a chance of scenery, a break from my apartment, my work, my mum’s house, a getaway from it all. From everyones demands and expectations of me. But I fear it will be a waste of time, that the stress of a deadline and work will simply haunt my brain and I’ll get behind with my work. I’m really scared how this will end. So far I’ve acknowledged months ago that I’m seriously stressed, but this definition of pressure has devalued in our society today. The people around me don’t respect my limits or desperate need for someone to care enough for me to stop me down this alley towards a depression – because everyone is stressed, right?. Ultimately I don’t wanna let anyone down by failing, especially not my mum. She’s been so strong and brave through the 10years my dad was sick with early onset alzheimers, he died three years ago when I was 23 and my brother was 20. She has such high hopes for us, and has told everyone that I’ll be done next year.
    All in all I guess my pride and my economy has stopped me from seeking help with this, guess I kinda hoped I would have a friend to be there for me and listen if I ever got this stressed out. I tried talking to my mum but in my family we’ve never dealt with emotion very well, its tabu and a sign of weakness, so I gave up.
    If anyone is reading this, thanks for listening.

  • christy July 10, 2015, 11:47 am

    I hate this! Every day is the same as the one before. I look forward to nothing. My life is a boring set of nothing events and there is absolutely nothing to look forward to or get excited about. My only hope at this point is that I can drink enough energy drinks each day to shave time off the back ……….shame really…..why was someone put on this earth that is so ungifted, untalented, unattractive and offer nothing to society in a positive way?

  • anonymous July 11, 2015, 9:08 pm

    I match up with quite a few of these symptoms; I have begun to dread mornings and stay up late at night. I’ve had so much of my energy sucked up from work and as many of the people above have commented, I also tend to keep things bottled in. I’m currently seeing a therapist but it just seems awkward. I don’t want to mention this walking depression because as mentioned above, I feel I come nowhere near severe depression and by mentioning this I’ll be noticed as someone crying for attention which will only stress me out more. If anyone has any words of advice I’m all ears, I just want to go back to being the happy girl I was a year ago.

  • Anonymousforlife July 12, 2015, 9:27 pm

    I am 15 years old, I have been depressed since I was 10 because I left the country I used to live in and started a new life. I am a very very very sensitive girl. I over think everything. The what ifs, should haves haunt my mind. I used to talk to everyone that I am depressed and they’d get bored and call me drama queen but I was just young… until in 2013 when one of the closest people to my heart passed away, My grandma. That was in June right after that in August my bestfriend which I consider a brother too passed away I knew It was the end. I fell in love earlier that year with a guy until 2015 he decides that he never loved me and that when he said so he felt that I loved him and he didn’t want to break me… I’ve been reading this article for like every day and I’m tired of being numb, living on caffeine and I really wanna die, I really do.

  • Em July 14, 2015, 1:53 am

    Yeah. This is it. This is my life. I can’t stand it. I realized the other day during a breakdown that the scariest thing I can think of is living my life this way for the rest of however long I live. And maybe that won’t be long. The scariest thing I can think of is being me for the rest of my life. I would do anything to be someone else. I hate this and I hate me. I hate my pessimism and I hate life. There’s no point really. But does anyone know? Of course not. Because I’m like this. I walk, still work, talk, smile, but it’s all so dreadfully forced. I hate mornings and nights because I don’t want to get out of bed and because that’s when the thoughts show up. I hate what I do I hate things I once loved. I’m an artist but I hate art now. I love my pets but why spend time with them? I don’t enjoy it anymore. Sleep is the best thing in the world now. Everything else sucks. I can’t stand it. But no one knows. I’ve been in therapy for over a year and nothing has changed. Well. It has a little but the depression always comes back. Always. I’ve been depressed for about 7 years now. Self harm is a thing. Thoughts of suicide yeah. Whatever. No one even believes I’m depressed because I don’t show it. Inside I’m dead. I’m just extraordinarily good at hiding it. No one sees it. No one. Worse, I watched my friends get help from their problems and go to hospitals and get medications and turn out happier. But me? Nah. Nope. I tried Cymbalta when I finally had the courage to tell my doctor about the depression. It made me want to die even more and I almost did it. I self harmed worse than ever. I got off of it but the day I stopped taking it my doctor disappeared. I don’t have a doctor anymore. I was going to go to a psychiatrist but I couldn’t see them on the day that was planned that I waited 2 months for. Now I can’t see them at all. Seriously what’s the point anyway? Medication doesn’t help. Not me anyway. Everyone else gets help somehow and it works for them. This is where that jealousy comes in. I hate other people who are happy. Especially my friends who got their help. It’s not fair. They got help because they have noticeable symptoms. No one sees my pain, so it’s just not real. Of course. But I won’t act out for the attention because that’s shallow and stupid. And obviously if I’m still walking then I’m fine. Other people need the help. Not me. I’ll just…rot away. Maybe one day I just won’t wake up. Fantastic. Worse, I’m 21, almost 22. I’m barely an adult and I just can’t imagine the rest of my life this way but I’m at a dead end. There’s no help for people like me. I tried anyway. Medication was a bust, psychiatrist is a no, I’m losing my therapist in 6 months because I graduate school then and she’s a university counselor, and after that I won’t have the money to afford any of this. My father doesn’t believe in Medication and my mother thinks I’m “one of those freaks” because I told her about a panic attack that I had. So…I have nothing left. I’m just done. I’m a walking depression and no one knows. I give up.

  • Mommy July 20, 2015, 5:38 pm

    I was suicidal months ago, I had tried many times. But i was afraid to die, I wanted to end my life so badly. But i was never brave enough to do it. I was a coward. I called myself an attention seeker, I called myself a faker. I dont knoow if i am depressed or seeking attention. Maybe a bit of both. What is wrong with me? Why do i feel so emotionless, I thought i beat this depression and now i feel like im right at the beginning. I cant talk to anyone because i am pregnant and being investigated (for previous suicide attempts) im not suicidal. Im just not happy. I was before but lately the past few days i am so unhappy, i feel nothing; no joy, no laughter, i was excted to be a mom and now i dont even feel that. It makes me feel so guilty.
    I read about people who are depressed for years, I dont want that. I want to be happy. I want to live. I want to enjoy life with my son or my daughter.
    It scares me, what if i am depressed my whole life. What changes do I have t make? Meditate more? More exercise?
    I will admit I have given up meditation and daily yoga. Maybe if i stick to a routine? I also use to draw and paint i believe i am very good, i also stopped doing that. Why do I prevent myself in healing, when i am so afraid to live an unhappy life?
    I am so afraid my baby will be taken from me if i talk to my psychiatrist about this, as the previous time we met she took everything out of context; and i was reported and now investigated.
    I want to be a good happy mom, i think that is my purpose in life.

  • lucy July 21, 2015, 3:25 am

    I don’t know where to start. I want to be positive and kind to myself but I am in such a dark place i can’t see my way out. i have two young children, I am an actress, I have a husband who is working so much he is just exhausted. I took a nothing job just to help with some money but really its pennies, its not doing anything. Paying for people to watch the kids for me. I tried really hard to stay busy creatively with my second pregnancy. I love my kids so much but i feel useless. I feel like Im dead already. Like I’m just an empty shell walking this around this earth doing nothing.Nothing is inspiring me. I can’t seem to just get motivated. I use to be soon motivated, so tenacious, so “go get it” type of person. I moved from the states to the uk 4 years ago. both my parents have passed away. And I’m so angry with them. The dynamics of the family have completely changed. I’m fighting with my 2 younger siblings. totally fine with my other brother, always have been. I don’t like them. I preferred living in the states far away from them and never really knowing who they were. i preferred the excitement of coming home on holiday and then leaving. we ‘re struggling financially. I don’t know what to do. I’m just not happy. I use to be able to just brush these feels off my back but lately i just can’t shake it at all. the ups and downs are becoming more regular. I’ve gone to the doctor. I’ve regulated my thyroid, I’ve taken b12 shots. My b 12 was very very low. I feel so stuck! i can’t write, i can’t paint, i feel paralysed. i listen to music, i meditate, i do therapy, i tap, i do all kinds of spiritual healing but i have this deep deep fear. I want to achieve so much or i wanted to. I miss that person. i miss her so much. how do i get her back. I’m tired!

    • lucy July 21, 2015, 4:02 am

      I’ve just read your prologue!!!!!! Thank you so much!!! I’m ready.
      x

  • Johnny July 24, 2015, 10:15 pm

    you have no idea what it’s like to walk around depressed to the point that you contemplate suicide everyday…
    Not saying you don’t have issues but with me I am normal on the outside but what is happening on the inside is somewhat scary.

    I am good looking and front this confidence because I am quite successful financially. I am single and would love to find that one but it’s impossible when you hate yourself as much as I do.
    Has anyone had any similar experiences?

    – A sad individual

  • Sheetal July 25, 2015, 11:19 am

    there are very few ppl who can understand depression to this extent, every point that you have discussed here is real like not being able to feel any emotion, being jealous of ppl happier than you etc. I wish i could get out of this but i cant…

  • Peter Smith July 25, 2015, 4:59 pm

    I’ve been wrestling with black, dark moods for half my life, literally. I had my first nervous breakdown when I was 16, and I’m now 32. Everyone keeps saying (with good intentions), “Hang in there, it’ll get better!” And … it doesn’t. How many more decades do I have to wait? I feel like I’m going to be 80, and people are still going to be telling me, “Hang on, it’ll get better soon!” and I know with absolute certainty that it doesn’t work like that. Problems are problems because they don’t just go away by themselves one day. You have to solve or fix them, otherwise they will still be problems and you’ll still be unhappy every day.

    I’ve taken various pills at different periods of my life, but I never wanted to (because what triggers my bad moods are external, physical things. No medicine in the world can make those things disappear or vanish). I saw a psychologist (a well-recommended one) for six months this year, and she was lovely and she listened to me … but I didn’t really come away with anything. You know, it didn’t really make a difference. And people often suggest, “Call these helplines!” but they’re not gonna be able to click their fingers and magically solve these things. And that’s what makes it so hard to reach out, because this is like a pattern that repeats, you know, everyone says the same things and they expect you to jump up with a, “Yay that’s fixed me and I’m fine now!” reaction, and I’m not.

    And every day, I’m just struggling to cope with always being a little unhappier, because I have problems that I need to fix or solve (so as to go on functioning as a human being), but I can’t solve them or fix them. I was an inch away from ending my own life a few mornings ago (literally. I dismantled an electronic device and held the live power feed an inch away from my face), and I think about it a lot. I wished I had, you know. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m just so sick of having to accept that I’m just going to be unhappy every day until I die, and I feel helpless in the face of things I can’t do a damn thing about.

    And I just don’t know what to do.

  • lifeless July 26, 2015, 1:16 am

    İ am 26 years old, i dont see the point of life, i have been thinking to kill myself this past few months..i just feel nothing will change, everything will just stay the same..

  • Julie M July 29, 2015, 3:17 pm

    So, I’m turning 30 this year.. I just got my second degree last year and am now working in a new state at a “Big 4” accounting firm. I’ve got one part of my CPA exam left, but I’m supremely unhappy. I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone I work with. I live with my boyfriend and my dog. My boyfriend and I fight all the time about petty things, and it doesn’t even feel like a relationship to me anymore.. we’ve been together 5 years. I have anxiety about being 30 and unmarried with no kids yet in an unhappy long term relationship.. (I want to get married and have kids).. My commute to work is an hour and a half and I have no friends in this state. Even in my old state I only had 2 friends – one I would see every 6 months or so, and the other, a drinking buddy from back in high school days. I resent everyone at work.. they are always having conversations about their marriages, their vacations, etc. and they are all younger than me by 4-8 years. I am barely holding on financially with almost 100k in student loans, credit card debt, and medical bills. Sure, I’m on a salary for the first time in my life, but where I live rent is high, and it’s just as ‘paycheck to paycheck’ as it was before. I’m overweight because I can’t bring myself to exercise.. there is always something.. right now I’m having crippling lower back pain that is preventing me from even rolling over in bed.. I am an only child so I have no siblings to turn to either. I am not that close with my parents. I constantly have this deep longing to live in the woods or on a farm without all of these crushing expectations.. my mom has always suffered from depression and she takes meds for it.. someone in my family commit suicide within the last year and was still in high school.. so I guess you could say it’s in my genes as well.. I don’t really want to kill myself, I just want to be someone else with a different life.. I have anger outbursts every now and then at my boyfriend when we fight, and I end up throwing something at the wall or slamming doors.. I drink sometimes to feel better and if I drink too much I get mean and regret it later and feel shameful.. I don’t like the thought of taking medications, as the long-term scientific evidence isn’t clear enough to me.. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do, or if I’m just being ungrateful for life or what.

  • Justagirlatheart July 29, 2015, 8:08 pm

    This was an interesting article as it described many things I’m going through. It’s kind of funny how it’s so difficult for me to accept compliments from others. Just today, I was having a bad day and a friend/colleague said to me that I’m doing a great job and that she’s very grateful for me being there. She was completely sincere and all I could think was “yeah right” and laugh. I try and try but can’t seem to get over this emptiness I feel. I blame my sensitivity and emotions on hormonal shifts and feel like I need to be stronger and that being emotional will get me nowhere. What’s the point? And I constantly feel like people are judging me. I try to make positive changes in my life but it’s a constant struggle. I feel like society wants me to be a certain way but I just can’t seem to manage that. My friends are all just doing their own thing and busy with their own lives. I should really see a therapist. But even that seems like so much work. That’s all for my rant. Thanks for letting me post.

  • Jake July 30, 2015, 5:59 am

    There once was a father, broad and strong. He had been through to much for any man his age, dealing with demons everyday and somehow making it to the next.

    There once was a son, he was happiest only when he could be with his father. One night the father drank, and drank, and drank. He stumbled to the door; going to take a walk. The son begged and begged for his father not to walk at night, so the son locked the door and stood in the middle blocking the door from his father, knowing if he failed he may never see his father again. The father said Okay, and whent to sleep. The next day the father and son set out on a walk, walked through the beach and talked, walked through the woods and laughed, walked through the roads and didn’t say a word, they walked until they were both exhausted and the father called his mother to pick them up. She did and it was a good day. The next morning the father asked the son if he wanted to go fishing and the son nodded, happy to spend another day with his dad. The father smiled and they went fishing, they fished all day and caught many salmon. They got home and filleted the salmon with the help of an old sailor next door, and started grilling. The son never saw his dad happier then when he was grilling, he heard some rustling in the leaves and looked over, there was a bear. The father said get the salmon inside and ran after the bear, and it’s cub. With only a phone in hand he chased them into the woods and came back laughing and alot of hazy pictures. They had a good dinner. The next morning the father saw the son outside, shooting his airsoft gun. This made the father happy so he went out aswell, and shot some cans, it was a good day. That night the son sat in the floor with his dad, and looked at his pocketknives and said they were cool. The father smiled and told the son when he was 13 he would take him to get a knife of his own, but tomorrow the father had to leave on a plane, to go back to his new family leaving the boy all alone. The next morning they whent to the airport, the son hugged the father and said I love you, the father smiled and said I love you too and waved. And he was gone. The son whent to bed, tucked away in covers missing his father, his only friend. The son texted his father every other day, with fun things he experienced. The father responded the first few times with a cheerful txt but than it became less and less. Soon the son never heard from his father. One day while the son was waiting on the bus after school, the father called him. The father told the son he loved him and missed him, the son; with his friends said okay dad, I love you too, and told the father his phone battery was low. The father said okay and hung up. That night the son and the fathers mother were watching tv, and the father’s mothers phone rang. The son looked over an said it was dad, should I answer it? The grandmother said she would call him back in the morning, we are watching the show. The son said okay. The next morning grandmother was quiet, the son said good morning granny and she just stared out the window and whispered good morning. When the son got home from school, he whent to his bedroom and stared at the astronomy poster on his wall wondering about the universe. The grandmother called the son to her room, and sat him down on the bed. She said she needed to tell him something, the son said what? Very Curious. The grandmother told the son his father had died. He committed suicide last night around eleven. Tears began to fall from her eyes and the son said no, it couldn’t be true, she told the son I’m so sorry. The son buried his face into her and began to cry, they both just cried. And cried. That was the night he never looked at the stars and wondered that was the night that all happiness died in him.

    I was 12, I don’t know why I’m telling anybody this but I feel it might connect with someone. I’ve been trying to find happiness since, I just turned 18. I really hope I find happiness, or happiness finds me. -Jake

  • M.m July 30, 2015, 6:41 am

    Wow, I have found myself in this…and do not know what to do…I have projects to realize and I dont have money or time to psychotherapy…I think its terribly difficult for me to deal with problems who everyone has: thinking about the past and broken relationships, feeling so crazily alone, the pain that you are worthless… Brrr….how to be strong???

  • F.B. August 4, 2015, 12:24 pm

    I know I don’t love myself. I have all of the resources I could possibly need to live a happy and fulfilling life, but I can’t stand myself. I see all of these wonderful qualities in other people and I know they see them in me as well but all I can ever do is focus on the negative. I feel pathetic…and especially when I am alone all I can do is dwell on this. I don’t know how to change. I want to accept myself.

  • Diane August 5, 2015, 12:56 pm

    Several years ago I suffered from severe depression culminating in a suicide attempt as my much cherished marriage broke up. It was the blackest place and somewhere I never want to return to. I recovered well, formed a new relationship and had 2 lovely, much longed for children. My life should be perfect but I find myself drifting into the familiar feelings from the beginning of my previous depression – the main being the inability to feel – excited, sad, hopeful, angry – it’s all just at one flat level although outwardly I’m (hopefully) not showing this. Even though I’ve been through this before at a fairly extreme level, had therapy (over 3 years with 3 separate therapists), taken medication etc etc I still don’t know how to halt this before it gets worse but I think that’s mainly the apathy of the new depression – it’s a horrible catch 22 situation to get into

  • Hailee Morgan August 5, 2015, 8:02 pm

    I honestly feel like I dont want to be happy. I know that I’m the cause of my unhappiness. I know its my fault why I push people away but I do it because I dont know what the simple phrase “I love you” means. I hate it when peopleare nice overly nice to me just to try to get me to date them. So many guys in my city want me (not trying to sound conceited) but I would happily sleep all day if I could. Im 16 and work plus school is stressing me to the max. My dads an ignorant prick who only chooses to pick fights with my whole family (me being the most targeted because I don’t treat him like a king) my brothers girlfriend is pregnant but I’m moving out of state when I turn 18 so I’ll hardly get to know my future family. I just feel so lost and misguided. I dont want to go to college. I just dont know what I want in life anymore and it scares me.

  • Eloise August 11, 2015, 10:56 pm

    My family has a history of depression. I inherited it too. I’ve had bouts of depression all my life and recognize it as environmental as well as physiological. This was before Paxil. I believe I lacked serotonin before I started talking Paxil, because I could be very moody and mean at times, and my head often felt like it was going to cave in. I had no reason to feel as lousy as I did back then because my life was good most of the time. I just remember not being able to shake the depression, until a friend talked me into seeing a doctor for antidepressant medication. That was a miracle drug I’ll never forget. It lifted me up to where I was mentally very stable and balanced. Bad days weren’t too hard to get through. What a positive difference the medication made. I didn’t feel “high”, I just felt very even and normal for a change and it was wonderful.

    But life took it’s turn and now I have reason to be depressed. For the last 10 years I have been very unhappy due to critical financial mistakes I made that I cannot undue and as a result has negatively impacted my life and my husband’s. We will never recoup from the loss. We are both in our 60s, and had planned for a comfortable retirement, but instead are now divorced after many happy years of marriage. Several other unfortunate events added to the stress of the marriage and it couldn’t be held together. To this day, I still keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. Life is very surreal now and I feel numb, tired, and unproductive mostly every day. I used to jump out of bed with enthusiasm because I felt there was so much to do and enjoy that I couldn’t wait to start the day. I feel like a different person now. I cannot work because I’m so tired from worrying about the future and I’m constantly beating myself for the mistakes I made in the past. I’ve become reclusive, stay inside every day, and dread going even to the market. I can’t wait to get out of the store and back home where I can be alone again. I don’t call friends or even keep contact on Facebook. I lost my desire to go on because all that I worked and mattered to me in life is gone. I married late in life and we had a happy marriage for many years. I thought we’d make it until the end of time, but it wasn’t to be. Too much stress took its toll and it broke down. My husband starting drinking a lot and blaming me for the financial mess we found ourselves in. Life is lonely and I feel sad almost every day. It all seems pointless. I’ll be losing the house I thought would be paid off around this time, and get sick to my stomach wondering what I will do when I have to move out. I still take my antidepressant medication. It provides the serotonin to lift the mood, but the reality of my life and the problems I will have to face in another year just drains me.

    • Blake September 3, 2015, 9:23 pm

      Don’t stop the medicine. Things may get way worse. It may not be working as well anymore, you may need to increase. But what you must do is realize your strength and do something positive. Life stinks sometimes and ruts can last for years. You have to make the changes that get you out of the house, out of the store and out of your despair. Its sounds like the same old routine (friends, shopping etc.) is not for you right now. try finding something new. You have to find something that at the very least makes you happy.People don’t know how to deal with failure and blame themselves and others. But whats done is done, leave it in the past. Move on. No Matter What You Must Do Something For Yourself. You’re human and that doesn’t mean your perfect but it does mean you are capable of being strong. I’m sorry about your financial situation but even in your 60’s you may have to change your plans. You definitely have to change your thinking.

  • Gigi August 15, 2015, 10:04 am

    Well, what reading all these comments say to me is that in an effort to try an fit everyone’s needs we loose ourselves! I’m 51 and I am lost has yo know where the hell my life will take me. Like many of you I chose, I think, in my marriage to be the caregiver. Left my career to care for others, my two beautiful children and a husband who is away 6 months of the year! The plan was, now after 25 years of marriage,for the children after all! But now the kids are settled, going on with there lives and my husband is now easy to start the next chapter of his life retirement! But in all of this I’m left in the pool my feet barely touching the bottom and my head just able to take a breath with out drowning! When I think of what I gave done I’m ready to live my whole life now, but everyone else is at different level then me they moved on while I cared for all of us and my mistake was to not think about me,ME! I just forgot about Me, now I’m don’t want what he wants I want my life back, so I
    can have fun and excitement like they did when I cared for them! It us just so so sad that we do this to ourselves! The saddest thing is that when you tell them how you feel they ignore it or tell you your are being over dramatic! Where have I been all these years! Thanks for all of you sharing the same pain, I hear you I understand! xx

  • Jennifer August 18, 2015, 9:51 am

    I’m pretty sure this is what I have but I’m too scared to get help. I’m worried it will cost too much and I’ll burden those around me. I’ll always make light about dying and my boyfriend doesn’t like it. I honestly feel my parents abandoned me and all I have left is my boyfriend. If he is gone then who? I’m not sure what I would do. It does ring true that I feel my depression isn’t valid because I force myself to do things and I’m still functioning. And from years of my parents tells me how my feelings are invalid. I don’t know who to talk to, to get help.

  • MissyM August 19, 2015, 4:01 pm

    I am 36-yrs old. Have been sacked from every job I’ve had and there’s been a score of them. Diagnosed with a personality disorder. Feel I don’t understand the world and the world doesn’t understand me. Have only 2 successes in life so far, a lovely child and own my own home. I enjoy being left alone and don’t know where to go next. Have gained 7-stone thru binging and health issues mean I cannot do my beloved jogging anymore, which releases a feel good factor. Men don’t like me at the size I am, but I don’t care as I am my own person. Will I survive in this harsh and cruel world?

  • Katie August 19, 2015, 6:57 pm

    I don’t know what I have all I know is one minute I can be happy go lucky but after a meaningless comment or a small incident I feel either its all my fault and I should have been able to prevent the whole thing by being a better me or its everyone else’s because no one ever listens to me and I have no impact on anyone. I’m trying to figure this out without bugging my family or wasting money. Any ideas?

  • dgopal August 19, 2015, 9:57 pm

    I’ve suffered from depression for many years, just finding out know , 19 years old, I always feel down, sad, angry, tired. Sometimes I don’t feel like leaving the house, I also have a very low self esteem, I don’t feel motivated 2 do anything, l feel lifeless . This is destroying my life and want to change it.

  • CB August 23, 2015, 2:29 pm

    As I’m laying in my bed at 4 p.m. trying to just rest and not busy myself like I do mon-sat, I found myself googling “nothing makes me happy anymore” and this page came up. I wept the entire time I read it. There’s not a single sign of walking depression that didn’t resonate deeply with me. I have little hope to ever experience a life other than this, but you helped me realize I need to get help and stop trying to just survive. Thank you.

  • chris August 24, 2015, 12:43 am

    I need help so much that 99 % of my life’s time is in the how, what, who(doctor) can I see next to help me out of this pit with no lights end… My marriage to my queen is over, separated two yrs, work gone to check, lost contacts- they call and email and come to my front door as I look through the keyhole, with no wish to open, as they drive off, I cry once more. But, the dark night of my soul is- having no relationship of any fun love or doings of any worth with my 13 year old son… Because of my actions or lack of,,, he respects me not… I yell at him and say terrible things because , if you can believe this, so he feels maybe, just a taste of my pain.. The only thing he did wrong was being born my boy…I hate my life and used to love to write, even had two directors, say they loved my script, I told one over 20 years ago, he was ready to help me even gave me in a note three names of people I could pass my works on to. He died the next week, I’ve sat on for all this time. I don’t have a reason why I lack judgment and responsibilities but, I do and this has put my life’s joy on a stronghold all my adult life. I can’t take making my son any sadder, maybe IT’S time to through in the towel. I love you man in advance, your great. Chris

  • Kenneth Hare August 26, 2015, 3:18 am

    Three years ago my wife of twelve years died in my arms at the hospital. This was on April 28th of 2012 and eight months later my mother also died at home on December 5th of 2012. For years I figure I was okay in my walk and life. I sought the necessary help that I figure I needed once my mother died, but I didn’t seek any help when my wife died.
    The Lord show me both of their deaths in a dream only hours before with my wife he show me a total of six hours including the things that were to occur in her life and with my mother, he revealed her death one week before it happen.
    It has not been three years since the death of my wife and for my mother this years will also be three years. I consider myself to have gotten passed the moments when tears are running down my face or when I am feeling lonely when I come home from work. I didn’t realize that I was facing so many problems in my life after the lost of them. I hide behind my job and my Lord just in case someone may have seen me falling down. I even hide behind the word of God and I stood up to proclaim Christ as my personal Lord of my life. I refuse to believe that I had a problem in my life.
    Here I was a man that truly loves the Lord and loves his wife as the Church and I was afraid to tell anyone that I was going through hardship and major suffering in my life. People ran to me as long as I had money or had what they needed in their life. But once they found out that I was just as broken as they were, they left my side in a heartbeat. I believe this is how they did Jesus in his days and here I am stilled suffering and calling myself healed from a womb that is wide open.
    I met a nice lady that I would love to have relationship, but in her number of years in studying nursing and working on her Doctoral Degree, she is able to see completely through anything that I am bringing to the table. A matter of fact she is the reason that I am seeking help and I enter my information into the web and came across your site. I started reading and it sound so much like my life that it was crazy.
    I am a writer and author. I have publishes one of my books called, “As A Poet Speaks!” It is a love book that I was in the process of writing before my wife and mother died. I pray earnestly for God to give me strength to finishes writing on the book and publishes it as well for others to read and enjoy. I did get it publishes, but many people did not run to get the book. It was a book that did not move the hearts of men and women like I thought it would do.
    I also wrote another book called, “Birthing out Your Twelve D’s In Your Destiny!”, this book is now in the hands of the publisher and they are waiting on me to bring things together. It will be coming on three years in getting this book together and ready for sales.
    So, when I read part of your life story I saw myself in the same place. I saw myself looking as a man who have not written anything in the last few years. I have been seeking the Lord and running after him, but not to hide behind him but to die in front of Him. And that is why I believe your book and website was brought to my face. I honestly didn’t know that I can have depression in my life since I completely gave my life to the Lord. I took a vow not to touch another woman and to live completely for the Lord and even though two of my closes friends have told me that I am living in a depression state. I stilled made a choice not to believe them because I did not want to accept what has happen in my life and then bring in someone else that I claim I wanted in my life.
    So, to all the ones who read this message. Do not become like me unless you are willing to say you have a problem and the problem is bigger much bigger than you may think. As a man of God, you must be willing to act knowledge when you are wrong and repent of your sins as well as your action that may have cause others to turned away from you.
    Please continue to write and bring forward the rewards of sharing your heart through writing. God will bring about an increase that will change your life forever. I know he is working on me!

  • Simone August 26, 2015, 10:57 am

    I spent my life never feeling anything , love , fear, happiness, sadness, I just plodded around doing my daily routine content in the fact that it was just how I was , but lately Iv started to feel and this has lead to me having these signs of walking depression , I just smile and nod and mimic how someone should feel in certain situations but then I just go home n cry about how much effort it takes to actually care , I sometimes envy the old me so I resent the fact Iv built a life based on the new me everyone sees me as this caring happy go lucky tuff cookie when really I’m sad n angry n bored of life in general … I can’t explain it but I care without caring , I feel without feeling and the only thing I can be sure of is knowing how much inside I just want to self destruct but I won’t it’s socially inappropriate for the new me

    • Georgia September 2, 2015, 4:30 pm

      I’m the opposite, i feel too much.

  • Sharon Swiss August 26, 2015, 8:38 pm

    I am walking depression. I go to school and work and I feel like I am alone all day in a sea of strangers. I berely have the energy to talk to my coworkers and I definitely don’t have the energy to talk to my peers. I don’t care to get to know people. My schooling feels like a drag…work feels like a drag. The only time I am happy is with my boyfriend where I have someone to hug. I even start crying during sex sometimes, when we do have sex which is not as often as I feel a relationship should have. I don’t know what to do… I feel dead inside. I don’t enjoy music anymore. I don’t like video games or homework or anything. I enjoy silence and think of nothing. I sometimes wonder if death would release me from this constant pattern. I will push through it. I just want the numbness to life to stop.

  • Georgia September 2, 2015, 4:27 pm

    i constantly have no motivation to do anything, i always find myself crying. people tell me to open up about my problems but call me “selfish” when i do, and say that i don’t appreciate what they do for me, i know how lucky i am, i know that i could be in a much worse position, but sometimes its not those things that make much of a difference to my feelings. i’ll just be worrying about getting homework in on time, what clothes I’m going to be wearing, and figuring out if the guy i like, likes me back and why things aren’t how i want/need them to be. i don’t try to be selfish, and i do appreciate everything i have, its just the little things that i over think and get stressed out about, and then it makes the situation worse when i see people around me being in the same situation (or worse) and being able to deal perfectly fine with it… and i am finding it physically and mentally impossible to deal with! i feel like i need to impress everyone and when i can’t do that i blame myself, or i take it out on the people who mean the most to me, then i regret it, and i feel guilty and blame myself yet again. its a vicious circle and i can’t get out. I just need something good to happen and make me happy, then be on a happy streak, because everyone who i turn to has it that way… all the time. I’m jealous, and i can’t not be jealous. all of these tiny things bubble up and i can’t stop that and when i can’t do something it makes me sad. i have tried drawing and making art, or writing, or making music, but like i said, i have no motivation. and I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so if something isn’t right, then i will be ten times more stressed than i was to begin with. i don’t know what to do. I’m fed up. Im a fourteen year old girl and i shouldn’t be feeling like this.

  • Hannah September 2, 2015, 8:46 pm

    I’m a musician at heart. Always have been. But for the last 9 months, I haven’t been able to pick up my guitar. I carry on through life but find myself unhappy when alone. I find myself wanting to destroy every reflective surface because I can see the disappointmenht, anger, and sadness. I haven’t been able to smile in 9 months. I feel … Dead. I feel like I’m not me anymore. Because I’m not.

  • Shaun Smith September 2, 2015, 9:12 pm

    I am 46 years old. I feel I have been suffering from depression since I was four. I started school at four and hated it. I had never been in an environment where I was surrounded by so much hostility and animosity. I never knew why the other kids hated me so much. Secondary School was a repeat performance but I could add the teachers too who were equally as hostile. You go to that sort of environment every day for fourteen years and it is impossible not to come out damaged. I never understood the petty jealousies, the one upmanship, the resentment. Then I started work, another place where I had ‘trouble’ with other people. When Sartre said ‘hell is other people’ I knew exactly what he meant. The work environment was extremely evil. I was subjected to some shocking accusations (insubordination and even racism) which I was totally innocent of. The level of depression just grew bigger and bigger. I felt totally alone. The only people that ever spoke to me in a civil manner were my parents. I was always asking myself what was wrong with me, when would I ever meet normal people; genuine people; people who didn’t use me all the time. One very disturbing factor is that every time I ever get to like anyone they seem to die on me. When I was finally made redundant I fled Britain to try and start a new life in the Czech Republic. But really it is no better here. I can’t get work. I can’t sell my art work (I’m tired of being refused by galleries saying ‘We only take Czech Artists) I can’t afford my rent. I have run out of things to sell. My collection of cameras, over 1,000 CD’s, over 400 books…..all gone. But materialism never brought me any happiness anyway. Sometimes I cannot physically get out of bed. I can’t eat. I can’t do anything except sleep. I live on coffee and alcohol, it’s the only thing that dulls the pain for a while. I find that staying up at night is preferable to the daytime. I find myself thinking that my existence is a complete waste of time. I have achieved nothing in my life. I feel i am a burden and disgrace to my family and the world would be better off without me. My thoughts are continuously plagued by unpleasant memories, events that continually scar my conscience. Painting becomes a difficult process because I can’t stop these thoughts replaying in my mind. I can’t think of anything happy because i can’t remember anything happy ever happening to me. I feel I am near the end because I can’t continue much longer. I’ll probably be evicted soon. Everyone is entitled to a certain amount of rejection in life but I have had way too much. I can’t remember a time when I was not plagued by some torment. I have developed a deep mistrust of people based on my appalling experiences with them. I don’t know if I am depressed because of what happened to me or if i was born depressed. I know i don’t want to be depressed any more but the only solution i can see to ending it is something I feel in my heart is unethical. So the darkness continues.

  • Amy September 4, 2015, 6:21 pm

    My mum thinks I’m depressed and up until now I had no idea why she said that. Because I would go to school, act happy, smile and laugh at jokes. I would do my work fine but I just couldn’t really feel… Well, completely and truly happy.

    When my mum asked me if I was depressed I completely broke. Like whole heartedly broke. I started hating many things I was doing like sports and art, and I would just try to get out of anything that would require activity. But I kept this all bottled up, acting all nice and mushy on the outside whilst I was screaming in my head. I’m only twelve, I have no clue why I am depressed but I haven’t been able to shake it off for over a year.
    My mum didn’t take note of anything different since I acted the same on the outside just as usual. I have no clue how to tell her, and I’m scared that if anyone finds out, they might just think I’m searching for attention.

    I’m not suicidal and I don’t do any forms of self harm, and I most likely never would. I just want to get out of this.

  • Natasha September 4, 2015, 10:07 pm

    I am now. I do not know what to do. It seems hopeless. I always ask what is the purpose of my existence? The world is better off without me.

  • norelief September 5, 2015, 11:03 am

    I am looking at every single one of those symptoms. Plus the lack of emotions and trouble working. Plus the sort of ambivalence towards the act of living itself, though I am not suicidal at all. I have never felt happy, and I am in my 50s. You were right about the caffeine and alcohol. I am counting the days until…what? Not having to do this anymore?

  • wade van boom September 7, 2015, 1:16 am

    hi I will keep it short I have walking depression for 10 years after being bashed by 10 people on the street but I forgive them and this hope gives people courage to get through this I have lots of support around me and will recover from this:)

  • Nettie September 7, 2015, 11:03 am

    In an effort to regain my life and build a better one for myself, I had to acknowledge my current situation as not the best for me. Realizing that my partner is to blame for most of the unhappiness I feel is just traumatizing within itself. What makes it worse is finding out that it has pushed me into depression mode which has caused me to not build on my own personality as a human being. I have stopped growing within and focused on the well being of others. Letting my life slip by me as though I am a flower blooming to the pattern I’m being trimmed and slowing wilting away. When I finally realized that it was time to make a change, I was well into my mid 30’s and have finally set goals in hope of recreating myself. I have left my partner in search of my own happiness. I have learned that if I cannot create my own Disneyland, I will never be happy. In addition, my goals have gone from a stay at home mom to starting a small business. I have also gone back to school seeking a bachelors degree as a business major. In the process of that, I have gained much more interests and have taken up courses in paralegal studies. Now that I have ventured into the world of law, I have come to realize I found something much more enjoyable. furthermore, I have enrolled in a program to possibly attend law school. So, I would say career wise I’m moving forward. My only concern is that I still do not feel emotionally inclined to be around people in a social way. I still feel distant and any form of negativity sends me right back to square one. It makes me wonder what else must I do to make myself feel whole again.

  • Scott September 8, 2015, 1:27 pm

    I had such a great life just a month ago before I moved out for college. I thought I had it all figured out, that I wanted to move far away from the people I knew my entire life just to realize that I made a huge mistake. Every moment, I think about the next time I get to go home and eventually, the time I can go back for good. My whole family was within walking distance, and I spent almost all of my time with my brothers or my cousins if I wasn’t in school. Now, I am going to a great university, and I have a great job here as well. However, it all seems like garbage to me in comparison to going home to the people I didn’t know I cared about so much. I count down the days, the hours, and the minutes because of how agonizing my time has been here. I try to enjoy the good things I have here, but none of it seems to matter. I just want to go home.

  • Not necessary September 8, 2015, 4:07 pm

    I’ve felt like this for most of my life. Life completely bores me, its utterly pointless. I have a steady job and I’m in a good relationship with a nice house and great friends, and I’m on medication. Nothing helps.

  • Elisabeth September 9, 2015, 9:06 am

    Thank you for your article. Can you tell me, what is a “meaning practice” and how can a person develop it?

    Thank you.

  • Dee September 9, 2015, 6:11 pm

    It’s that extreme sadness that is so exhausting. Over the years I have become very resentful and angry and as I get older, the more indifferent I feel about everything. My grandbabies are the only reason I am still here. I exercise, have a career, clean my own house, entertain family and friends, always feeling like I’m one step away from completely blowing my “cover”. It’s not the greatest life, but I’m sure someone out there has it worse, and it is, after all, my life.

  • Ken September 9, 2015, 10:18 pm

    Read this and a lot of comments and this definitely applies. Right now I’m struggling to find the motivation to even clean up my room, do homework that’s piling up, etc. But as I was reading through this article I noticed that the word “whole” appears 46 times! This makes me think that we experience depression because we feel that we’ve lost a part of ourselves that we can’t regain; just like in the book, “The Missing Piece” by Shel Silverstein.

    In order to overcome all this and be happy I’ve decided to: lower my expectations (grades, running times, appearance) for myself to something reasonable, stop putting so much pressure on myself to accomplish or perform, beat procrastination (major issue) by breaking up and scheduling tasks, stop eating unhealthily and exercise, practice Buddhism, and to actually find some new friends I like who aren’t self-absorbed and immature. And if someone has a problem with that, so what? You can’t let other people decide your priorities, behavior, or who you are. Laugh at those who try and be yourself.

    • Daniel May 8, 2017, 12:45 pm

      Hi Ken, I like your response. How did it work out ?

  • Jean September 13, 2015, 11:56 am

    OK..this is me!!!! I am working at the same job for 3 decades that I have to in order to support my family..now just my husband & me…but I am tired..not sure how long I can keep walking. Just nice to know there is someone out there!

  • Gloria Arakit September 15, 2015, 6:37 am

    I’ve been depressed for years. I only keep going for my daughter. She’s a beautiful happy girl and I don’t want the fog in my life to affect her.

  • April September 16, 2015, 1:17 pm

    So what is the answer? There are so many people out there walking depressed. I see this more as a result of our times than a personal biological makeup issue. I, like all of you, am a wonderfully loving and joyful person to the outside world – I have it all, and people want to get my positive spirit and faith. I too dread nightfall. This is not a medical issue, this is a societal issue. Perhaps the answer, is to accept what is, including the disappointment and sadness of what is not, and create the change in the world we want to see. In other words, be happy as if, the change we want has occurred. Kind of like living in denial, but maybe we can just fake it til we make it and be kind and loving to ourselves and others that are also on this journey through life….that was never promised to be a rose garden, but rather a school.

  • Anonymous Asian September 17, 2015, 1:57 am

    i noticed about my clinical depression a long time ago when i was much younger and my friends in kindergarten, primary school would mock me, make fun of me and eventually isolate me because i looked larger than other kids. Yes, i was a very fat child and they eventually had this practice where only the skinny kids were allowed to join the cool kids club. When i was 15, i had to change high schools because there was a girl in my class who decided she did not like me and eventually got the whole class to isolate me and not talk to me whenever i was in school. I couldn’t take it and cried myself to sleep for weeks before i finally made the decision to change high schools. When that happened to me, my grades also dropped drastically and i didnt manage to perform well for my major university entrance examinations. Eventually, i let that define who i am and my self worth, and i can say till this very day i sometimes fall into that trap of allowing others to determine how i feel. I guess that is also where my depression stems from.

    Besides that,my mother and grandmother also had/still has a history of depression and it must’ve had genetically passed down to me. Sometimes when i look at myself in the mirror, i feel horribly disgusted and my life is not up to par with others because of so many things i missed out on. I cannot have a genuinely intimate relationship with other people because in my mind its just way too much work and i feel like i can’t be myself when im being my best. I have to be someone i’m not. So when i’m feeling like it, i’ll go all out to make friends with people & do exciting stuff but when i dont i just completely run away from everything and just stay in one place and be alone. I don’t know if its walking depression or leaning closely towards severe depression but i know i do have depression.

    I just want to get help. Help for real this time and not halfway help like i’ve been receiving all these while. I think depression and help is not really taken so seriously here because of the Asian culture and the fact that someone being depressed is just a taboo especially to my Asian father.

  • Robyn September 17, 2015, 3:34 pm

    I am a 19 year old writer and consider myself a creative person, so this entire piece strongly resonated with me. I have been so confused and have been diagnosing myself with numerous mental health problems. Now I realise that I may be mildly depressed, or maybe more than mildly. This list got me thinking about my own behaviour and the fact that I do most of these things. It’s funny because I know what I need to do to help myself, I know I need a lifestyle change. I’m just worried (I suffer with really bad anxiety for as long as I can remember) that if I do change, my circumstances will remain the same and perhaps the depression will get worse. I experience rare moments of peace (you could say happiness) and it really shocks me how conscious I am in those moments of the fact that I feel so tranquil. It disturbs me because it deepens the fact that I am so depressed but in such huge denial. I can act normal in front of friends and family but sometimes it slips out and they would question me. I always lie though and say I’m good or that it’s something more relatable like money problems that is bothering me, when in fact it is more like a complicated mix emotions; some of which I do not even understand myself. Sorry for this big paragraph but it feels kind of good to let it out seems as nobody knows this about me at all, and it is rare that I find somebody else who experiences similar feelings that I do.

  • Dan September 19, 2015, 2:55 pm

    I currently suffer from depression at the age of 30. I haven’t been clinically diagnosed by a doctor but I’m aware of my condition. Between waking up with feelings of sadness, not able to think clearly and constantly thinking about how horrible my life is… I’m in a very dark moment of life right now. One of the reasons why I feel the way I do is because I also suffer from ADD and have lived with learning disabilities since childhood. Perhaps that is the reason why I’m so miserable. I’ve attempted suicide multiple times in the past and still have thoughts to end my life today. I just don’t see how anyone can help me. Needed to vent out to someone…

  • Zack September 20, 2015, 2:39 am

    I am only 17 and i feel nothing, also i have lost so many close friends and family. Its like almost everything listed hear im experienced or expereincing. I also never had a dad growing up and never see my sisters. Since i never had a father i always looked up to my uncle to make up for everything you know? But one day my uncle got into car accident from my cousin shane for drinking while speeding in the winter time, anyway 2 months later i came to find out he has a spinal cord injury of c3 incomplete injury, i seen him i was upset to see him on a feeding tube and on oxygen, also thef act see him unable to move or talk and we used a alphabet chart because he can move his head and he said 6 months later he deceided he doesn’t want to live anymore thats made feel even more empty then i am now didn’t think it was possible, its like if im not even human anymore because i start to no longer feel even sympothy or pashion for others.

  • havemercyonmeplease September 24, 2015, 6:48 am

    Every day is a massive struggle. My only reprieve is when I get to sleep. I have been this way for 10 years, ever since I had an abortion; I miss my baby so much and hate myself for not being brave enough to keep him/her. I lie to myself and say that I will be “normal” again one day….but….I am 99.99% sure that I will always be this way. So if that is the case, I should leave my boyfriend and his son, that I have been raising for 5 years, right? I should leave them to lead happy lives and I will just be alone and miserable by myself. But I am selfish and I enjoy the happy times that we do have every once in a while. He wants me to have a baby but I am too psychologically disabled to be able to give him that – I am a strong believer in adoption and think that going through that may give me some joy. But what if I am wrong? What if I adopt a child and am still just as unhappy? At least it would be better than bringing a new life into this world and being unhappy. If I close my eyes real hard and temporarily forget all the terrible things that have happened to me in my life, I am happy for a fleeting moment. And it feels so good!!! But all of the other times are so so so bad. I have a job that pays me great money but I think I may be happier working part time so I don’t feel like I am wasting my life sitting in a cube, making money that doesn’t make me happy. I can see the sadness in my boyfriend’s eyes – I imagine a married life with children and am so happy – but that’s in my mind – what if the reality of it is different? I have asked Jesus to rule my life more times than I can count. I am still waiting on a miracle. I refuse to give up. I fantasize about hurting myself but never have. Medication helps some but it’s never enough to make me forget how sad I am. It will never be enough to convince me having a child is the right thing to do. I can’t wait to look back on this in 10 years and see what I end up deciding to do…

  • Kirsten September 25, 2015, 7:08 am

    Wow! That is my life summed up after my mum died this year I have been going on with life as that is what I’m expected but I am not living a life I’m getting by and when I’m by myself I realise how unhappy I am as I think about my mum and how I wish she was here. I don’t think I will ever feel like myself again.

  • sally September 26, 2015, 1:57 am

    I feel like a shadow walking through my life !

  • Nina September 27, 2015, 6:56 pm

    I feel as if I can completely relate to the 10 signs you have depression. I am 17 years old, turning 18 in November, so young and such a long life ahead of me. But, it would be a lot more enjoyable if i was happy with my life. Reading some of these comments, my heart aches for all of you and my situation doesn’t seem as horrid as what other people are going through in their lives. I just had to move to another state, currently not attending college, my family cant afford our mortgage, and I had to move away from the person who I loved the most in my life. I can’t get out of bed, mornings are awful for me because im just reminded about where I am and that I have nothing going on for me in my life, that’s why I love the night time and get to sleep because its another world. It makes me forget. I try to get a job, but I feel like everything I turn to, turns me down. I feel hopeless. One day, I want to be able to help people with what I am going through in my life. I have lived 5 years with an alcoholic abusive mother and my parents have always been stressed financially. It just feels like its never going to get easier. It always feels like its getting harder. When will it get easier? I try to pray and turn to God, but nothing happens. Feeling hopeless and unworthy is the worst feeling in the world. Make sure you have people around you that support you and love you. Stay positive, as I am trying to in my life, even though it can be incredibly difficult sometimes. Praying for everyone and their difficult times. God Bless. xo

  • Nathan Morgan September 28, 2015, 2:26 am

    I can’t help but feel so very sad all the time. I play music and that helps. However, as I am still rather new because I have been playing for more than three years now, I make so many mistakes and get frustrated unable to focus. My creative juices never seem to flow because I feel so just sad. Every day I feel I am living a waking nightmare. Getting out of bed feels like it takes far to much effort, waking up is horrid. Going to sleep is horrid. I dream of terrible things, much of which consists of my abusive child hood. I don’t know how to let my past go, and really accept it. I’m so very sad but never able to cry. I have a desire to succeed, but don’t know how as I can’t focus, can’t concentrate. I feel absurdly alone, even when people are around and when I talk to someone.

  • susie September 28, 2015, 6:37 pm

    I am 51 years old. When I was younger I took a lot of drugs u name it cocaine, mushrooms, qualudes, marijuana, alcohol.ect. ect… I was diagnosed with depression at age 18, took every anti dpresents you name it. Am now on efferxor and Wellbutrin. Some days cant get out of bed don’t know how I will feel from day to day, now have been diagnosed with bi-polar, plus I get several migrane headaches a week. Also on oxycodone and hydracodrone because of my back pain arthiritous, cant work any more on disability. I had a great job and worked in the medical industry. I could not letting my peers down with all the days I called in sick because I could not get out of bed. Is their any medication and I have tried several, to help me feel like I’m I’m a usless piece of shit every day. For your information 2 of my brothers committed suiside and a sister that is very depressed just In would never my parents have been through enough, but they don’t understand depression. If any anyone has any answers pleas send me a email slark1963@gmail.com.
    THANK YOU

  • Andy September 29, 2015, 10:55 pm

    Recently my girlfriend of 3 years moved away, she was the one I did things with such as going out to watch a movie and restraints etc. , I also ended up switching schools and I admit I’m a loner. I always feel sad and I have a part time job, but I’ve found myself not enjoying my job the way I used to, getting angry at any tasks they ask me to do and I was never this way, I was always considered a good worker, but lately I haven’t even been spending my work money, I haven’t found excitment in anything, and I always feel sad and gloomy, I’ve become distant from my friends from work and my previous school and make no effort to make new friends, I find myself sleeping a lot more often and I always have the feeling of sadness wherever I go. I don’t wannns tell my mother because I don’t want her to worry it think I’m ridiculous for feeling this way, but I can’t help it.

  • anonymous October 8, 2015, 11:07 am

    i am definitely one of the walking depressed….and i’ve tried a lot of things to improve my mood and get over a sudden loss that devastated my life….but its hard to find joy. its a active fight i take on daily.

  • Sleepless October 12, 2015, 12:42 am

    I’m perpetually unhappy. I’m a young woman who moved home after college to help my mother out financially and that was almost 7 years ago. I am expected to be my mother’s friend,confidante, secretary,chaffeur(although she has a working vehicle and nothing more than allergies that irritate her, because she does not get her allergy shots on a regular basis as instructed)counselor and fitness partner. I don’t mind doing all those things for my mother as there is no one else to help out my siblings ran off to live their own lives and have a nest of their own issues and I’m the golden child; the issue is the very little regard my mother has for my feelings,my goals or anything that is beneficial to me and not her. When I try to tell her to not plan my days for me and to ask me what I have going she says ok then does the same things. She has explosive anger which has improved over the years but is still problematic. Never able to talk about my feelings without the conversation returning to the subject of my mother I was writing in a journal. My mother claims she didn’t know it was a journal( the book had journal on front in gold letters) she thought the book was one of my rough drafts and she wanted to read it and surprise me ( keep in mind the rough draft by this time was already made into a book I published through a self publishing company for well over a year) my mother invaded my space and my privacy and actually expected me to apologize to her for the intrusion. She says she forgives me for the things I wrote! Seriously! As if I did something wrong by writing down my feelings when I have no one to talk to! She asks me why I’m sad all the time and I give her the same answer that I feel like my life is on hold( my mother married a man that is in prison and has been their whole relationship.I told my mother I’d live at home until he was released and they married two years ago and he was expected to be released soon. Her husband was more narcissistic than my mother she filed for divorce and the marriage was dissolved two weeks ago.) At least I had an end in sight before I looked forward to my now ex stepfather release date and now I feel like no end is in sight. I have no other money no savings because I had to tap into them so many times, no time to create I chauffeur my mother around after we workout in the morning all day then I go to school in the evenings, to a class my mother thought would be a good trade for me when I tell her my dream is to be a successful writer,I could’ve not taken the class but I value the hours I don’t have to be home and questioned about why I’m not smiling or happy.and I hate the class because once again I’m doing what I’m told and I’m miserable and not doing what I want to do. I tried to tell my mom how I felt today she told me to stop complaining because I have no problems then she brought up the journal situation out of the blue and said once again she forgives me. What is a girl to do?

  • Depressing life October 12, 2015, 6:22 pm

    I feel this way since i have no idea when… it just started.
    When i was 16 my brother killed himself, i guess he was a walking depressed, he never showed symptoms. My life continued, but i became a different person, started smoking and doing drugs and disrespecting myself.
    Later on, when my life started to seem like it was having sense, my father died and (for personal life decisions) i was’t able to be there for him, not even his funeral. Was living out of my country of birth Argentina. Married this guy that was actually 20 years older than me, i don’t know what i was thinking, but i was in love even when he had some sex related craziness, i was doing crazy stupid things for him a very similar story to 50 shades of gray. After 4 months of being married he cheated on me and told me so, no only with a woman, but with her husband too.
    I moved to another town (an Island) and got a job as a dancer (for tips), did that until i met somebody that opened my eyes, and made me realize that there was more life out there thank just going to work, sleep, workout nd going to work again, that was my life for a year, making money and have nobody to share moments with. started dating this person, he was making me “happy”. We moved out of that island to the mountains. When we just moved everything was fun, drinking a lot, doing drugs, smoking, no more workout, just “having fun”, still regretting and hating myself the day after.
    A year ago we had the beautiful news that i was pregnant, so before the baby was born after 4 years of being together he proposed, and we’ve got married. But of course before that, he got his bachelor party in a town nearby with casinos, bars and fun. He said he would come back after party was over, but i ended driving 2 hours at 4 am to go pick him up after i saw in the credit card that he was at a strip club (Karma huh???) let’s remember i was 7 month pregnant, and he was very intoxicated and fighting me bc i don’t trust him!
    I still went thru with his bs, and 2 months after this episode, I met the love of my life, my beautiful daughter. All my family in Argentina, my mom came to visit and help me. I was crying everyday, couldn’t get up from bed, my life had changed, my body was changed.
    After few months i started to enjoy being a mother, but i started drinking and partying again, everytime i could. I felt like the worse person in the entire world, but that didn’t stop me. One of those nights i’ve got pregnant again, i felt so trashy and disgusted at myself, my daughter was 9 months old when i discovered this and i wanted to abort he wanted me to as well. We went to the abortion place 3 times and couldn’t do it. So now I am 26 weeks pregnant with a 13 month old baby at home. And i hate the place where we are living. I am depressed every day. I can’t even change my pijamas, of course i attend my daughter and all her needs, she is a very healthy beautiful baby that is the only one that can make me smile. Every day of my life i think in my father and my brother, and i feel like i really want to join them. I am desperate, my life is going nowhere, I feel useless and unhappy unless i can drink, do drugs and smoke. By the way, just in case someone wonders, i am the healthiest person while being pregnant, i don’t even drink caffeine and I take a lot care of my babies, because they are not guilty of my stupid decisions. I just feel like if i’m not here everybody would be happier. I am getting panic attacks every now and then, and i can’t feel happy. I think of hurting myself but that would hurt my baby inside so i don’t do it. Many times i think on writing a book, maybe that would help me feel better, but i feel so useless that i think I can never do anything right and i am sure i would hurt a lot of people around me if i write what i have to say.
    What do you think?

    • Sleepless October 12, 2015, 7:53 pm

      I am not an expert but I recognize some of the behavior you mentioned in my own past..It sounds like you never truly grieved the loss of your brother because to do so was too painful so you numb yourself and now you continue to try to numb yourself by staying high or drunk that works for a while but once the drugs and alcohol wear off you are right back where you started.you need to find a way to deal with your feelings head on ,that is the only way you will overcome them is to confront them. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself for your past regrets and move on..stop beating yourself up..what’s done is done..your focus should be on being the best parent you can be, I am not saying you are a bad parent I cannot say that because I don’t know you, but being intoxicated and or high all the time effects judgment and you should want to keep a clear head at all times to make the best choices for your children. If you don’t like your post baby body change it, walk everyday or change your diet.no one will do anything for you. You have to realize you are special and have something to offer the world and your children.you can do it!

  • wendy moore October 13, 2015, 4:57 pm

    Mame, I have depression, im not sure what level cuz’ I am no professional but I do know I have a mental illness. I went to a razer for support when noone gave me any. I cutt to or three times on my four arm before someone at school saw and told the vice principal. I was scared of how my parents would react when they found out. Of course I knew how my step-mom would react, saying its just hormones and shake it off, like she did, but I wasnt so sure about my dad. He surprisingly cared and cried a bit. The sent me to consuriling once but they didnt come get me again cuz’ we werent able to discuss everyting and now they think im fine. Which I am not. I know im in a bad place but no one will believe and/or give a (escuse my French) damn about me enough to do so. I want to get help and t get better but how can I? I am only 12 after all. …… but I know I shouldn’t be thinking and feeling the way I feel hormonal or not, this is not normal which even a dummy could figure out. What should I do?

  • Caila October 14, 2015, 3:49 am

    Is there anyway to be really sure? I dont want my parents finding out. They have enough on their plates already. Is there some sort of self help thing i can do, anything really? I just want it to go away. I cant function like a normal human for gods sake its 2am and im consulting my phone on why im so fucking sad all the time! Can it just go away i want it to go away. I dont want to bother anyone anymore. Please… can it just go away, it needs to go away. Im so pathetic, begging a phone for answers. Im sorry, please just forget that youve ever read this. Just… forget me please.

  • Arjun October 14, 2015, 3:48 pm

    I ticked almost all of the signs. Happy to know that I have walking depression where I still get by. I’m in a country that is so far away from my family and friends. I am struggling to find a job. Story telling is my passion especially via movies but I’m not making any movie. Even that feels like a job. I occasionally write some stories in my blog, but I have to force myself. My mood shifts. Sometimes I think ‘what’s the point?’ and I don’t go out of my apartment. Sometimes I’m optimistic, alive and kicking, making connections and creating something new or wander around with my camera and smile on my face. But at the end of the day, I won’t say I’m happy or excited. Even going to the movies doesn’t excite me anymore. But I do have a girlfriend/ fiance. I love her so much. But I don’t know how she is putting up with me. The only good thing is, I am trying. Sometimes I self analyze myself and observe my emotions and thoughts as they form. There is a silent lake near my place. Going there makes me feel … for the lack of a better term, content. Thanks for the article. Normally I won’t interact in the internet. But I felt like writing/ saying/ sharing this.

    You’re all nice people,
    Thanks

  • Katie October 15, 2015, 3:51 am

    A few months ago I moved in with my boyfriend. I had this image in my head of how happy we will be and how exciting it was. It’s the complete opposite, things have been very up and down but when things crash and burn between its very saddening as we are both happy bubbly characters and this affects us in so many ways. I also didn’t have a job for 6 weeks which really put a strain on us and money. I now have a job and thought things will get better but we are both struggling. I am an organised tidy girl and he is your average boy sitting around watching tv and thinking to help when you ask but a distance has grown and that makes me very miserable. But all I want to do and find comfort in at the moment is to cry. Cry at work cry myself to sleep and cry on the way home. I’m struggling to think positive and struggling with how our relationship has become… We have spoken a very tearful conversation which has helped but I just can’t pick myself up I feel very low in confidence and really don’t like myself in so many ways! Please help as so many things you have mentioned is how I feel.
    Thanks
    Katie

  • Chris October 18, 2015, 4:12 pm

    Thanks for this one. I am having a hard time figuring myself out. But now I know. I am finally able to define this hardbattle inside of me.

  • Anonymous October 18, 2015, 11:17 pm

    My depression came on since I was in 7th grade when I started having violence in my home. All that ended when I was a sophomore. What my question is how am I going to rejoice when I just a a dysfunctional life and family? As hard as I think I’ve worked my butt off to stay away from that lifestyle and become a Christian, life itself just tends to get more difficult and harder to get through. How am I supposed to find happiness and motivation if my depression sinks me in before I try?

  • lanise October 19, 2015, 2:58 pm

    I am a married empty nester, grand mom and a co-pastor with my husband. We Pastor a very small church. I just started on line classes and am going no where fast. I’m very low and feel depressed at times. I raised my four children as a single Mom. This is my fourth marriage and the longest I’ve been married. We’ve been married eight years. I finished raising my children six years ago and every since then I’v been bitter, feeling trapped and am very tired of being a strong person who everyone looks to for strength. I want to live my life single and free to do whatever I want to do. I have been seeing a therapist in some from or another since 2014 until now. Talking has done a world of good but it has also forced me to be more determine to leave everything and everybody and start my life over far away from here. I am not suicidal, not even close. I love myself a lot but I love my God even more. I would never destroy what he created, me. I’m worried about my husband and the ministry if I walk away. For seven Of the eight years I’ve been married I was neglected by husband and just recently after exposing his behavior to prominent people did he finally decide to make an effort to change. But I’m tired and I’m ready to go.

  • Anon October 20, 2015, 10:09 am

    It has been months since I’ve been severely depressed. Its been eating me up, urging me to go. I tried fighting it, telling myself I can do this but in the end, it still wins. Please help me, I can’t do this anymore. Now, everything has been going downhill. I feel so isolated, the person whom I loved and trusted has left me, broke me, killed me within. The people around me can’t understand what I’m going through. I tried ending this but I am unable to die or so it seems. Save me or better yet, take me home.

    • Kevin October 28, 2015, 8:35 pm

      You have the strength and presence of mind to stretch your hand out. I see a strong person inside this writing holding the weight of the world on their shoulders. The weak can’t heft that much.

      The person I see inside there is really trying, looking for a slimmer of light. It’s my completely unprofessional, unmedicated, and unbiased opinion that you should find that person who wrote this posting, talk to him/her aloud or in your head. Get to know that person because they could surprise you.

      Go for a coffee/hot chocolate together, find an excuse to smile (pet a puppy, catch funny vids online) often, become best friends with that person. If you come around to love yourself, then others will be attracted to that. It’s really really f’in hard to love someone during truly tough times and it’s a special and rare person who can – perhaps your being isolated now is just a better way for you to hear the voice in your head without interruption.

  • Ryan October 20, 2015, 10:42 am

    Shit this is my life.

    25. Lost everything the last 2 years. Girlfriend of 6+ years. 25k of my savings, my hair (along with that looks/confidence), and to top things off I still have a year left in a city I do not want to be in (college). The worst part is I’m getting a degree in a subject/field I have grown to absolutely loath. Just thinking about being a Accountant/CPA makes me want to hurl myself off my roof.

    So here I am. Just managing to pass all my classes. I have no motivation anymore. Even right now I just made the executive decision to skip my class which starts in twenty minutes.

    I feel like I cant quit since its paid for. I feel like I cant change because its too late. If I change now I will have debt. Lets no even mention pressure from family. Furthermore I have no damn clue what i’d switch to. Or even what Id do. I’m so damn stuck.

    Losing the closest person to me and the one I trusted the most was a soul crusher. I break down every day. Its been 18 months now. I can’t even put into words how this broke me and left me shattered.

    Balding at 24 is a fantastic cherry on top too. Holy shit I dont think you could write a more depressing story.

    Well. This is how I deal with it. I lift weights now on a strict regime. Lowered my body fat to 12% and weight to 175. Pretty cut now if I must say. I started getting involved with groups of people (though I still find it hard to relate to anyone or anything). I’m currently trying to find a job that doesn’t make me want to throw my head through my computer, haha. But I also started refurbishing furniture and building tables. Basically just working/crafting with wood. I just put on some tunes and forget about how much I hate my life and carve/sand away. It works for me.

    I also drink lots of coffee. Makes me more optimistic. Even if just for a few hours.

    Damn I should have gone to class.

  • Bleh October 24, 2015, 11:45 pm

    16. Male. Junior. No friends. No athleticism. No interest for anything. Not caring for much. Tired. Sleepy. 2:43 am. Fuck.

  • Poetry October 27, 2015, 1:21 pm

    I won’t bore anyone with my details, but in reading the posts I came to a realization. Everyone is commenting on their lives, standards, a sad situation, the world, “life”, looks…
    It’s like the current state of society is what is causing all of this. And we are, I don’t know, too weak to fix it?! Maybe there are too few of us? Maybe we just don’t know what to do.
    Just my observation…but maybe the problem lies more with that, than with ourselves. Maybe that notion will help.
    It’s hard to exist in a society that judges us. It’s hard to be beautiful (to society), without plastic surgery. It’s hard to be ourselves. And that may be what causes our depression.
    Any thoughts???

  • Kevin October 28, 2015, 8:13 pm

    I’m a storyteller, not such a good grammarian but I write. I get lost in other people’s lives and in the power to make them play out as I see fit. What I can’t control is my incessant need to stay awake when my eyes are burning and my body ceases to want to budge. I don’t get why if I sat and thought about myself, when I’m by myself, it robs me of every ounce of will I have to be happy. I don’t know why I look for answers related to blaming my spouse or my life’s circumstances – aren’t I the one in control of those? Thank you for this site. I see I might not be selfish or self-defeating but instead one of a group of people who by the nature of their hobby hyper-analyze character traits and flaws. It’s no wonder we pick at the threads of our own happiness and wonder how far it will unravel.

    Sadly I’m sitting here at midnight on a work night thinking if I wasn’t writing this comment then I could be working on my book. Maybe I think I get more quality time with myself when people are all asleep in the house? Probably not – I don’t wine or dine myself in these opportunities.

    Some of the comments I’ve read are from people I think I could positively get along with. Now, would that result in a clutch of mildly depressed people or would it work to reverse this feeling of emptiness? I’m going to look deeper into this page’s concepts about a condition that sounds so much like how I feel.

  • Robert Shawn Stevens"Coleman " October 30, 2015, 11:48 pm

    Lord I pray my sons do not become like me.
    Lord I pray they take Life different way faster then the time has taught me to see.
    Lord I pray for forgiveness for the way i have treated people.
    Lord I pray for purpose, strength, and your blessings………..

  • Aiden Johnston November 1, 2015, 3:44 am

    I watch funny videos, hear and see funny things but I am always sad. I never laugh and never cry, I continue my life because I am told to. Every break from work and school is a relief, dreaming is my way out of this world but sometimes I can not escape life. Life seeps into my mind like a poison affecting my dreams. I am being overwhelmed with responsibility as I am the eldest. But righting this comment somehow gives me relief. Stress has a firm grip on my shoulders and won’t let go. Fighting back with plunge me deeper into the pool until I am smothered by my life. I am a brilliant person many have said so but I feel like I’ve done something wrong like I took a turn in life I was not supposed to. My past haunts me of stupid worthless things I’ve done, I eventually trained myself to no longer care about my future. But that has created something worse then stress…Guilt.

    The truth is I need help, I feel sad everyday

    Every smile is false

    Please answer
    -Aiden Johnston, 15

    • Newt November 2, 2015, 2:49 pm

      I too am going through the first years of high school (16) and I understand the pressures you are under. What helps me is to find someone to talk to. That’s what makes writing a comment feel like a relief. I find that even doing homework with friends can make a long assignment somewhat easier. The other thing that helps me is to think about the future not in a “oh no I don’t know what I want to do for college or a job!” way but in a “someday I’m going to go to Denmark” way. Take life one moment at a time. Find good things in random places: watch a squirrel in a tree, a bird catching a worm. Don’t worry about what you have to do to “succeed” in life, because, at least to me, success is being happy.
      I don’t know if anything of what I’ve written will help you. Just remember that someday, you will have the opportunity to be who you want. Today, strive to find someone to share your life with, even if just for an hour.succede

  • Zach Martin November 5, 2015, 5:41 pm

    I’m a high school student who recently realized he wasn’t as happy as he thought he was. I have difficulty getting out of my bed in the morning, focusing in my classes, getting my school work done, falling asleep at night. Coffee usually helps but I hate that, that’s what it takes to be happy. I don’t know how I lost my happiness but I just can’t seem to get it back. Everything is such a struggle and I don’t want to keep fighting to get through the day. I just want to be happy again. Depression is such a bummer.

  • sara November 9, 2015, 8:40 am

    Hi. I am 27 years old girl. I am going through a very tough time in my life. I ruined my own life. I have always been deprived of love. My desperation for love took me on the wrong path. I have always had a very distant relationship with my siblings and parents. My mother could never develop a relationship of love, frankness and sharing with me and my other sister. i used to get upset when my friends at school, college and university discussed about their frank relationship with their mothers and sisters with me. i used to cry and hide my feelings from everyone. my mother never hug us. Though my parents love us but they could not develop a frank and healthy relationship with us. i have a sister who is 7-8 years elder to me. She is married with a married person who has 3 kids with first wife. He does not live with his kids and first wife. My sister is living very happily with him as it was their love marriage. my elder sister is also like my mother. I don’t remember exactly but i think once we had a fight when i was at school. she stopped talking to me after that. she never shared anything with me. we used to talk very little. and maybe she never felt a need to share anything with me. After all this, i became a very reserved person. I felt very reluctant and never shared my feelings, thoughts and emotions with anyone at home. Children do not express their feelings unless parents ask them and develop such relationship with them. I became shy and very resistant in expressing my feelings with anyone at home. it made me depressed. I could never have courage to talk to my sister and mother like other mothers and kids do. i felt so distant and desperate. And this desperation ruined my life. I have always been in search of love. I could not get the attention and love at home that i needed the most. now i am doing a job. its been 3 years i am doing this job with the same company. my boss is 56 years old and have 3 kids. he has a daughter of my age. when i started this job, he used to ask me about my likes and dislikes. He noticed my weak points. Then he started taking me out for lunch and said that I should take care of myself and should not miss my meal. he used to gave me attention and took me out for lunch every day. I felt inclined towards him. Although i got an idea of his intentions but still i started liking him. he used to talk about his siblings and parents with me. I felt that they people love so much each others. they hug and care for each others. i feel like i want to be his family part. I started longing to be his family. I desperately wanted to meet his siblings and parents. i desperately wanted to feel their love. I desperately wanted to feel his kids love for me too. I wanted to have a frank and very good relationship with his kids like my sister has with her husband’s first wife kids. I even wished to have a good relationship with his first wife. i had one thing in my mind that my sister is married with a married person and she is very happy and has a very good relation with his first wife and kids so maybe i can marry to my boss and can have everybody’s love. my boss used to say that his wife is very good by nature but she does not look attractive and is very obese. and he wants someone who look attractive and can have fun with her. This desperation ruined everything. one day he took me out for lunch. when we came back to office, everybody was left. he came closer. it was very difficult for me to control. he asked me to come to his room and had sex with me without asking me. i did not stop him. Rather i could not stop him. and then this physical relationship continued for almost 1.5 years. During this period, I started feeling that he is only interested in sex. He hurt me mentally so many times with his doings. He has a female ex- business partner who is very close to him. I always had a doubt that he might have a physical relation with her as well. He always avoided talking to her infront of me. Whenever she came to office, my boss asked me not to come to his room in her presence. This made me upset and he always hurt me because of her. My boss elder brother died and he remained very busy with his family in those days. I wanted to be in his family at that time, wanted to support him. But he gave me no attention. He said he is very upset and have no time for me. After 3 or 4 days he came to office . He used his laptop. When he left, I switched on his laptop and searched the history. There were so many porn websites in the history. he watched all that stuff. I felt very bad. He said he was upset and cant give me time but he can watch porn sites? This really hurt me. After this, I started to stay away from him. I stopped getting physical with him. Though he always wanted to and expressed his feeling to do so.
    Now here comes the most miserable and regretful part of my life. His elder son is 2 years younger than me. I started talking to him because I wanted to develop a good relationship with his kids. I wanted to be his kids’s friend so they may not hate me if I married their father. I told my boss that I talked to his kids.
    His son used to come with us when we went out of city for meetings with clients and on shoots. I always had a very good and positive thinking for his son. I never had any bad intentions for him. We used to talk little while on shoot and meeting. He used to ask me about my future plans. He also asked me about my marriage plan. I told him that I don’t want to marry here and I will be going out of country very soon and will stay there for rest of my life. I will get married with someone over there. As time went on, we started talking more and more. I never thought that his son would start having some feelings for me. One night when we came back from shoot, we were sitting together in van behind my boss seat. my boss was sitting on front seat. me and his son kept on talking. I liked sitting and talking to him. After that, whenever we went out for shoot and meeting, we always wished and waited to sit together in van. My boss always sat on front seat. this brought us closer together. I developed a feeling for his son. We started talking on text messages daily. His son is very innocent and a good guy. I felt his feelings for me. I started thinking that why cant I be with this guy? i have a right to be happy and wish for a good and young guy. I fall in love with him. He expressed his feelings that he loves me and wants to marry me. I was very happy and upset at the same time. Whatever I did with his father did not let me stay happy and satisfied. My inner conscience was never satisfied. I felt terribly miserable. On one side I was dying for his real love and wanted to accept his proposal but on the other side I was dying inside. We kept on talking. But I never stayed happy and my heart and mind kept on telling me that I m doing very wrong with him .He wanted to come closer to me. First I refused because I did not want him to commit a sin. I did not want to take away his innocence. I always thought that he should get a very good girl. He deserves a good and beautiful partner. Not me. But I could not stay away from him. I let him do sex with me… And one night I told him everything about my relation with his father. I could not hide the truth. He listened everything very patiently. He knew about his father affair with his ex business partner and he was having a doubt of his father relation’s with me as well. But he never spoke and wanted to hear the truth from my mouth. After knowing all this he said he cannot continue with me anymore. He said he wants to leave me. He said we have no future and cannot marry as his father will never allow him. He tried to leave me but he could not do so. Neither I. we continued talking and loving each other. I was very positive about our relationship. I always felt like if we put efforts together and support each other we can get married. I always had a positive hope. And this hope made me strong a little bit. I madly fall in love with him. Though he had a very little or no hope for our future. He always said that his father will never let it happen. And he cannot leave his parents. I know he cannot take a stand for me in front of his father. He is just 26 years old, studying in college and does not have enough courage to take a stand even for himself. May be he cannot live with my sin. He cannot forget what I have done with his father. But he has love for me in his heart. He says we cannot get married because of me. He is right. He wants to continue relationship with me until I get married to someone else. I wish he could have courage to take stand for me. I wish he could love me like anything. I wish he could never even think of living without me. I always wanted his real love more than sex. I never wanted to involve in sexual relationship with him. At times, I felt irritant and get upset of his sexual desire for me. I used to argue with him that he needs sex more than my love. I used to say this because I had a bad experience in past with his father. But I was sure that he truly loves me and he is not like his father. I wanted to spend more time with him, wanted to hang out, watched movies, eating etc. but whenever we met, we had more sex and love and little or no time for other activities. One day he came to meet me. He was continuously using his mobile fone. I wanted to have his full attention. I asked him to show me his cell phone. He refused. He said I do not trust him. I kept insisting him to show me his cell .He said trust me or everything will be finished between us if you want to see my phone. but I kept insisting. i said him that he came to meet me just for sex. He got mad at me after hearing this. I repeated these words so many times so this made him annoyed with me. I tried to explain him and made him understand my state of mind but I was failed to convince him. He got annoyed with me. After this incident, he stopped talking to me. It’s been 4 and half months since we met last time. I used to text him daily and tried to make him understand but it was all in vain. He said he is not angry with me but he is depressed for some reason. He said he will be okay in a few days. He did not even share anything with me. He just stopped talking to me. He ignored my every text message. I used to cry every night and missed him very badly every minute. I could not get him out of my mind. I begged Allah for forgiveness and repentance. I begged for my every sin. I regretted every sin I committed. I asked Allah for his help and mercy. I was deeply hurt by his attitude. I waited for him every morning and every night. But I got no love and positive response from him. He completely broke me down. I started losing my hopes. It was only Allah who gave me patience and helped me to be strong. I used to pray and asked for his forgiveness. I had no one with whom I could share all this I was going through. One day I was sitting in office and doing my work. I was very sad and hopeless deep inside. I was alone in office. I just broke down and started burst out crying. I could not control myself. i felt so miserable and felt like dying. One of my colleagues came to office. He saw me crying. I could not hide my tears. I told him everything. He told me that he knew about my relationship with boss. He knew everything. He has been working with my boss for the last 10 years and he knows so many things about him. He knows what kind of person my boss is. He told me that my boss was having a physical relationship with his ex-partner too. This broke my heart my trust and my everything. Till now I am only regretting for the big sins I have committed. I really have nothing left now. I lost everything.
    Every day I pray to Allah and ask him to bring him back to me. I ask Allah to make things favorable for me. If Allah is not happy of my relationship with my boss’s son and the son too is not willing to accept me and cannot take stand for me then I ask Allah to make me strong to accept the reality and turn him away from me and turn me away from him.
    I have no friends and do not feel like making friends. I do not share my things with anyone. I do not feel like talking to anyone. At home, I have become a very weird person. I get irritant and depressed over very small things. I burst out crying loudly If someone say something bad to me and hurt me. I have lost my all patience. I have so many complaints and find my parents and siblings responsible for my present situation. They hurt me very badly. They could not understand my feelings and needs. I wish my parents would have loved me like other parents do with their kids. now I have lost my all patience. I want to go away from home. I do not talk much at home. I have become a very depressed person. If I do not like meeting anyone in family, my parents think that I am a very arrogant girl and they believe that I m not well behaved. It really hurts deep inside. I think they are right. But it’s not in my control now. I know Allah is angry with me as I misbehave with everyone at home. I am not a good daughter at all. I can’t be. I just want to go away from everyone.

    • Asad December 7, 2015, 5:48 pm

      Hey, I’ve just read everything you’ve wrote. I’m sorry to hear about your story but I;m going to be honest with you and tell you what I think. You say all parents are affectionate with their children? That’s definitely not true. I’m in the same situation as you, I’ve never really expressed my feelings and kept a lot bottled up up till now, I know they love me but their the same as your parents never hug etc. My relationship with my dad is just non existent. It seems his only focus is his business and he travels a lot so whatever I’ve given up on him.
      Here are a few things you should appreciate; You have a job (seems u get decent pay?) You’ve found people you’ve been able to vent / express to. You’ve had relationships (Sexual aswell -maybe haraam but that’s not for me to judge) You’re started to build that relationship with Allah and you’re slowly going towards the right path) —-Compared to myself you’re doing great and you’ll find peace and happiness soon Inshallah. I’m a 24 yr old british muslim male- Depressed, no job, never had a girlfriend, never even so much as kissed a girl (obv ive had many friends throughout my life but nothings ever happened) I’m only 5’3, never known what career or what I want out of life, Wasted so many years, I have a small penis (I don’t even know the size never measured it – but I presume its a micro penis?) I used to enjoy life yearssss ago and I used to be healthy but now I have literally no life, not in touch with anyone ( I don’t even feel like going out anywhere) I’ve finally acknowledged that I’ve put on quite a lot of weight. So yeah compared to me you’re doing just fine lol

  • hurt November 9, 2015, 6:18 pm

    I feel sad, very sad. No matter how hard work, I can’t get anywhere at work. Failed at every relationship, it seems as if I pick the 1% crazy, selfish, narcissistic people that are just about themselves. It so bad, that thought I still believe in love, I opt to be alone. Its so bad that I’m questioning why should I work so hard just to be treated like any unaccomplished person at work. I’m just tired! I want to change my life but I want to do better. And doing better means I have work harder to make those changes. It is hard to do it alone.

  • Glenda November 10, 2015, 8:48 am

    You are just trying to sell a book. I need a phone number please!!!

  • Trevor November 11, 2015, 3:37 am

    This was a bit of a wake-up call to me.
    I started writing when I was younger to escape a terrible reality, and looking back I can see how I have been walking-depressed for most of my life, often dipping into a darker place. I thought the walking-depressed days were the good days because they didn’t hurt as bad, but I can see now how it’s held me back this whole time, and I’m not sure I’ve ever really been happy. Once I got out of high school, I joined the National Guard and started working in the oil field, which barely gave me any free time, and I feel like I wasted it because I just wanted to get back to writing, but I always felt like I needed to pay my bills and build myself up financially, first. This could also account for why I couldn’t keep my marriage together, since I thought I was doing better, but I was still down, I just didn’t recognize it because it didn’t hurt as much. I was always scared to seek help, worried it would affect my life and my jobs, but this year I finally broke after going through a divorce and getting fired for the first time, and it got so bad that I started having panic attacks, missing work, a social disorder has moved beyond my control, and I’ve been closer to suicide more times than I can count. Looking back, I’d say that a few life events turned my walking depression into a much worse, much scarier place, so I’m a prime example of how it can get worse if you don’t seek treatment – my depression may have led to my divorce, which made my depression much worse. Finally I gave up trudging through a muddy life and let my friends convince me to see a therapist. I’ve only just started a few weeks ago, and soon will see a specialist who may be able to recommend medication for me to try. This article has given me a brand new insight to what may have been holding me back all these years, from accomplishing my dream and simply being happy. Hopefully soon I will be able to do both.

  • christine November 11, 2015, 11:23 pm

    Thank you

  • Anna November 14, 2015, 12:23 pm

    Thank you for your article, even though I feel even worse after reading it. It is beyond ridiculous how it made me feel…I thought that the feeling of belonging to whatever club of unhappy people would make me feel better just because I am not alone in this. It did not. Feel horrible.
    I cannot even remember, but I think depression has been an unpleasant and heavy burden for at least 4years. Feeling unhappy for no reason, never-ending searching for some point…when in reality there is none. Those who say otherwise are just lying to themselves. I am deeply unhappy person and every at least a bit happy moment is outweighted by the moments I feel so very empty and sad-which is almost all the time. I must say that in this I am pretty much the same as you. I also feel better with a certain amount of alcohol in my organism. But it never lasts long.
    And you know what´s even worse than feeling miserable? Having other people thinking about how cheerful I am all the time. Nobody knows, and those who could dont care. I bring happiness to other people´s lives, I cheer them up, support them whenever I can, love them for simply being because I love people. But I do so while being deeply unhappy as if it could help me from drowning…it doesnt. At least not as much as I´d need it to.
    I am sorry for being extremely negative but I cant help myself (in so so many different ways).
    I hate that I can never feel satisfied with myself. I hate that I cannot live relatively in peace like normal teenagers. I hate myself for having this kind of disability, not to mention the physical side of my person.
    I am writing poems quite often to help myself release some emotions. This is one of them.

    One thought over another
    like a rain after an endless drought
    getting used to that ticking drill
    weight of a truck yet size of a feather
    with such accuracy that could kill
    with a single thought.

  • Syer November 16, 2015, 8:07 pm

    Thank you for writing this.. I only started realising that i’m in depression when how i view things start to change. It’s only recent, but it’s getting worse. I cried more often, almost everyday; i started to become pessimistic about almost everything when in fact i know myself as otherwise; it took so much more effort doing what i like and ended up not doing them; my walking pace is slower; nothing is enjoyable; etc. I hated myself for making the wrong choices: i’m a college student and i chose the wrong course. This may seem trivial, as others will just say “Just change if you don’t like it”, but this means a whole lot because this WILL affect my future and what i’m going to do later on.
    I’m born as the first child, i see myself as my parents’ pride and my younger siblings’ role model. If i fail, it’s a disgrace to myself, to my dignity. Maybe I tend to overestimate myself before deciding, or maybe i set my self-standards a little too high, i don’t know.
    The feeling when you thought you could still do it if you keep on trying since ‘practice makes perfect’, right? Even though the results are still failures and you kept on going because from those failures, you learnt what works and what doesn’t, you still learnt something although you’re tired from working. You’re still optimistic of what is going to come and you continued working hard. And for the most recent failure (again), suddenly your thoughts changed. “Is it still worth it? Worth the time, the effort, everything?” You looked back and it dawned on you: you’re not making ANY progress. You’ve been stationary, on the same spot, no change.
    At first i thought that i was only frustrated because i still can’t seem to get it right while my classmates were all progressing well. I was jealous. I started listing what i lacked and it eventually came to me: i’m not meant for this. That negative thought had been nudging me for the failures i made and i only brushed it away with my strong optimism. It was only this time, i let it took over my mind. I was tired. Tired of failing. Tired of trying something i’m simply not good at. “Hard work will always pay off” i kept telling myself and still did, but my doubts which i’ve had always ignored came out so strongly.
    It was a battle between my usual optimism and my rare negativity. My thoughts were racing and the battle came to conclusion: the rare one won. I GAVE UP. This IS rare. I’m not the type to give up so easily, walk away so quickly, stopping halfway and not finishing what i started. I’m not like that. This time it’s different. There’s one thing on my mind: i don’t want to do this anymore.

  • Mike November 18, 2015, 6:04 pm

    I am at a point in my life where I feel as if no matter how hard I try at something, nothing good comes from it. No matter how much work I do I’m still behind. I am really wondering why I have to put myself through all of this pain and suffering just to get a good grade that seems like it will never help me out. And even then, after doing all of this I end up messing something up in the process and it puts me even further back than I was. It seems that although I have friends, I feel as if I’m just a person to them. That’s how I feel.

  • Sruthi jane November 20, 2015, 10:54 pm

    I m always under depression I have no good friends in college but I do have some of my real and good friends I’m worried tell me how to be happy

  • Betty November 21, 2015, 4:17 pm

    I feel like I have given up. I did all the right things, studied hard, have a reliable well paid job, tried to pursue my dreams, but I dont feel Ive gotten anywhere. Im in the worst rut but no energy to get myself out. I keep telling myself Im too old to try something new. I am very intelligent, creative, intuitive, but too sensitive in for my work environment. Im to scared to change, even though I can be very strong, I don’t believe enough in myself. I care deeply about people, the world, what I do and want to live a meaningful life. But Im caught up in the daily, mindless routine. Im a little over it all. Instead of living life, whatever that means, Im hiding away at home. I have tried so hard to ‘work’ on myself, be a better person, integrate, partake, but I seem to end up in the same place. I wish I could find my tribe, like minded people. Here’s hoping I can somehow step out and find a way to fit into this world, being me, and make a difference to peoples lives.

    • A December 4, 2015, 11:19 pm

      Your post truly resonates with me, especially the part of ‘working’ on myself. I so much try to be the person I want to be, yet I never quite get there. I sometime feel like I’m on a verge of finally breaking through and getting the life I can picture perfectly, yet the sadness always comes back and overtakes me. The trick is that I am too strong and in a denial that I would actually dare to acknowledge I’m depressed!

  • Donna November 26, 2015, 11:32 am

    I just don’t care about anything. Life means nothing.

  • kauthar November 27, 2015, 10:23 am

    I’m teenager and I honestly don’t know why I decided to search this up but for the past two years I haven’t been myself completely. I go to school and put on this facade that I’m the happiest and friendliest person but as soon as I arrive at home I feel sad but not in the way I’m abuses mentaly or physically but I feel that I have no purpose and that I’m just another person and that I don’t actually have a future , I don’t see myself being succesful one day and its always been my dream to become part of a publishing house but there’s always a part of me that makes me realise what are the chances that will actually happen but besides that I get sad over stupid small things and it irritates me because the tears or the feeling just comes out of nowhere and I honestly don’t know how to react because I’m still you and some might say this is my girl hormones but I honestly feel like that’s not it at all like I have this weight on my shoulders like I’m tired of being happy when all I want to do is cry and lay down I feel like I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they wouldn’t understand , its making me feel very judgemental towards myself , I’m the eldest of 5 girls and my mom is basically single and I’m supposed to look after them and I feel like I’m supposed to be living my life and going on adventures but I’m being a second mother to my sisters and behind my room door I’m busy crying my heart out for no suitable reason and I really question my state of mind and my mental stability because I don’t know how to deal with it and I end up being more sad . I try to move away from the sadness by listening to my fave band but it just makes emotional its almost like my brain wants to cry and always have puffy eyes . Sorry I gave you an essay its just I needed to get it off my chest even though its still on me

  • Val m. December 1, 2015, 7:55 pm

    I see alot of miserable unhappy people. So am i. I failed as a teen. Iwas picked on from kindergarten till graduation. My dad always hated my ideas for my future. Nothing i did was right. College drop out because of no confidence. Now with no good work skills besides labor, i suck at life, cant find a good job, nobody wants to pay me a dwcent wage. This state sucks, no jobs here. Stuck in a crappy job i hate,
    crappy pay. Have a house but can barely afford to keep it nice. Husband works 2 jobs so i barely see him.oldest daughter moced to opposite end of the coast last august..so sad i cry about missing her all the time. Other daughter gets sick on and off. My sex life died cuz im so depressed all the time. Saw a psychologist, did nothing for me. So now what? Whos gonna help me now?

    • Serena December 21, 2015, 9:20 am

      I love that you have made it far enough to have a husband and a child! I grew up just like you, alone without any parental support besides financial support. It’s the substance that is supposed to keep us going. I’m unable to have children and men don’t understand me. I’m the only one who can keep up with my mind. I have a new and very crappy job with coworkers that complain all of the time which makes it hard to stay positive. But you are working, and you guys are working hard for the life that you have. I think that it may not seem like you have enough, but who are we really comparing ourselves to? My dog is the only one I have right now and I just generate my love from my love for him, and I spread it. Even though I’m very depressed with circumstances in my life, I keep smiling and I don’t complain often to other people because when I’m negative my mind is only on myself. We miss the opportunity to see others, to give a smile to that another person who has different stories for their depression could help. No matter how depressed I am, when some random stranger says something funny or that makes me smile, I’m caught off guard and lifted for a moment. We are not deprived of our hope or our ability to love. We’re human.

  • Nancy Hensher December 3, 2015, 4:01 pm

    Hi, I am 51 years old and I reallg don’t know if depressed is even the right word for the way I feel. I live with who Ithought was my best friend.We have been together for 6 year and have known eachother for 10.Sbortly before we got together he was hit by a train and lost use of both his legs. So I do all that I can to save money .We live on his SSI. In the last 5 yrs we have lost our home due to flood once & once due to fire . We lived in a duplex and next door caught on fire. We lived in a hotel for 3 months .Them we decieded to buy a to motorhome .And 1 1/2 later we got a bigger fifth-wheel to get a bit more room .
    I come from a abusive childhood.I did not raise my children .I did not no how to raise them . My parents left me at 15 with.my aunt and uncle then and moved out of state and did not even tell anyone they were moving. But I did still finish high school with my class even though I was pretty much home less.I have been on welfare have 4 kids was married to there dad at 16 .We were married for 15 years . we were devoriced we was due to I never new what it was to be me..
    My be I never learned I love my guy .But I have no friends to talk to . I know this because when I talk about feeling theyare gone raal quick.
    My mother is somewhat back in my life .When I try to talkabout feelings she is just like my so called friends .
    Due to my guys issues which I have inabled.He is addicted to ebay so there are money issues . We are looking at not having a space to put our trailer because we can not register our truck which we had to buy because we got the trailer .
    My life has just been on & on like that forever .Andwith like mst guys he is pushing my away thinking I would do better without him. It wimter , its the holidays and all I can do is cry . I am crying writing this. And I can’t get my self up to do what needs to be done .I can’t figure out what needs to be done first .I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t I am not going to kill my self so don’t be worried . I think I finally ran out of glue .You know the glue that holds everthing to gether in life because I had to start using it way to young to hold it all together . I have gave it to god and to who ever would listen but when no one has ever been there .( the earliest I remember taking care of myself is the second grade.) Shoot the first time I ran away from home was 2 nd grade to my grandma house .Walk all the way across Phionex by myself .They did not even no I was gone till my grandma called .
    But like I was trying to say was I feel like I need to or I am crying all the time and I feel sorry for anyoe that walks up to me because I can nt control myself because the water works start flowing and I can not stop it.

  • FOB December 4, 2015, 2:10 pm

    This sums up how I feel perfectly….I wake up in the morning and I don’t, nearly cannot move. But I force myself to go to college. as the day progresses I feel better…but something as small as a friend giving me a bit of slagging will knock me down. And I know something with me isn’t right but I keep forcing it to the back of my mind, hoping it will just go away. Throughout a single day, I could feel like I’m on top of the world, and then immediately could feel absolutely nothing.

    • Serena December 21, 2015, 9:10 am

      It means the world to me to hear that you still make it to college! I made it for 4 years before this semester. One morning I just stopped waking up in time. It’s when the depression quietly sneaks into your covers to snuggle you all day that’s the scariest.

  • J December 4, 2015, 11:09 pm

    Wow. How grounding to read all these experiences and snapshots of lives of so many different people. I’m deeply sorry for the sadness you all feel.
    I just want to add my story as well. Tonight the sadness came again. I’m 36, female and living in a great city of San Francisco. I’m in a relationship, no children.
    I feel I just keep trying and trying to create a fulfilling life. I switched jobs to have more time for myself, I’ve signed up for creative classes… We can afford beautiful world trips twice a year. So WTF? Why these feelings? I am an immigrant and while I am semi professionally successful, I feel often lonely. I’ve tried online groups for friends, events, self-help books, classes, anything to create personal connections. While I do have some friends, this unexplained loneliness always creeps up. What else? I so want to get better and be in control of who I’m!! I feel my boyfriend gets mad at me when I’m in my ‘mood.’ He is certainly getting tired and is not the most patient person. How can we all get better???

    • K62 March 22, 2016, 5:03 pm

      Also in San Francisco. I find there is a lot of pressure to be “CA happy” and the “Silicon Valley” culture seems to me aggravatingly shallow much of the time. The wealth of the area can also seem to drain the creative impulse. Again a shallowness that comes from little history and technologies that assert they bring us together, when in fact they enable isolation. I post in case these topics might trigger other thoughts which may help you. All the best. K.

  • Madeline Tremayne December 7, 2015, 10:56 am

    I have been sad for a very long time. I didn’t realize what I had was OCD, and my OCD was causing me depression. My family is poor, we can’t afford a doctor. I didn’t know what I had until I saw a friend of mine with the same symptoms. I didn’t want to believe it. I just told my mom that I want to take a test to see if I have OCD and Depression. (self diagnoses is all I ages to work with. My symptoms match up what you’ve been saying. I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m sad all the time. I find fun in some things, but the rest of the time I just want to be asleep. Its not dead, but I don’t have to feel anything. I’m only thirteen. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go.! Do you ha d a favorite psychiatrist? I live in Tennessee. It would be really appreciated. Thank you. <:)

  • Asad December 7, 2015, 5:10 pm

    I’m glad I’ve come across this website, I feel like I finally have a way to vent how I’m feeling and what’s going on with me…I have never openly spoke to people how I actually feel.
    So yeah, where to begin, well I’m a 24 year old male and I am very unhappy and have been for a very very long time. I yearn to go back in time (The happiest I was when I started College) Right now and for a long time, my life has had no meaning, no purpose, I’ve always been lost. Others have always known what they want to become or found their paths, I never have. I always fail at everything I do, I wasted so many years of my life, I never thought I’d end up over weight and depressed….but I have. I truly despise myself, I actually hate myself, my life, my body, my height, my lack of penile length.

    Wtf happened to my life, wtf will I do…I’m a nobody with no future, nothing. I feel as though I don’t deserve to live…I;m a waste of space and will never amount to anything. (How I wish time travelling actually existed).

    • Serena December 21, 2015, 9:06 am

      I try to take the time I spend by myself to think through things that happen in my life. Being alone so much feels okay but it gives us more time to fixate. The way I look at it is, we are here on this earth whether we like it or not. That’s a LONG TIME to do this crap. The only person you will always have in your life is yourself. There are plenty of people who do not deserve to pretend to listen and act like they know who we are. But you should never deprive yourself of your own mind. The small things in life that you enjoy for that one second you aren’t counting are what make you who you are. The way I’ve decided to look at it is, we are the only people who are going to care more about ourselves than anyone else, if we’re all we have why on earth would we waste the only thing that’s truly ours?

  • sasha December 7, 2015, 7:47 pm

    I hate my life! Sometimes I wish someone would shoot me dead to take me out of my misery. I laid many days and nights even driving on the road in a weary gloom how I could take my life.So many times I wished my mom would’ve aborted me. I’m tired of being depressed, and unhappy with my life, and surroundings. I don’t want to go outside, all I do is lay around, and don’t enjoy doing the usual anymore. I’m just a walking, ticking, time bomb ready to kilt, or explode any minute. By goodness I feel sorry for the next person to rub me the wrong way when I fall into this existence. Lord help me!

  • ashley December 9, 2015, 8:04 pm

    I live in Los Angeles. I have lived here for almost 5 years now. I moved here for graduate school from Alabama. Mostly, I fled to get away from an unhealthy and traumatic relationship with my mother. I was just forced to move from a living situation beyond my own control and now I am in an area that is new and stressful to me. My job is incredibly stressful and unrewarding with a somewhat abusive boss. I have been experiencing health problems since my move in October, resulting in several infections and viruses in my body. I am in a relationship with someone I care for deeply, but who is also quite a bit younger than me and not totally capable of relating to all the things I have gone through, though he offers much support. I lack family love, emotional support and feel very alone and tired. Emotionally, I believe my instability and sadness from current and past events has caused my immunity to go down and has been the cause of my frequent illnesses. I feel distressed and worthless. My education was difficult and demeaning. I am floundering, I am stressed constantly over money. And feel as though I am floating through life with no goal anymore and no future ahead of me. I am only 31, but already feel tired and worn out by life. I can’t imagine having to continue this life for another 50-60 years. It just doesn’t seem worth it. But I fear death and that mostly keeps me alive.

    • Milt March 22, 2016, 5:21 pm

      Have you shown this post to the person with whom you are in a relationship? Or an edited version? Maybe you can agree on a “Me” night or day. Take it in turns. List what you want. And it can be simply, “I want you to hold me for an hour on the sofa, stroke my hair, kiss my head, drink wine slowly. Talk about only positive things. No complaining. Things like, I saw a wonderful window display of flowers close by. I’d like to go there later and look thru the window. Take Earl Grey tea in paper cups with Oat Raisin cookies.” Does not have to be expensive at all. But for 1/2 a day (6 hrs) you get your needs met. Can be a lot of fun too.

  • Straydog December 11, 2015, 11:16 pm

    Amazingly spot on with the symptoms. Really tired of it. Finding less and less reason to continue on and on and on.

  • Anél Slabbert December 13, 2015, 6:52 am

    This was very insightful. I work in an extremely stressful and quick thinking environment. I am lucky to have a partner whom I can talk to and who understands. Yet there are days that I struggle with my emotions. When I talk about emotions it usually is anger and frustration. My employer does not provide any counselling and it is also very difficult to communicate with them regarding what I experience on a daily basis.
    The main thing for me is just this, I love what I do and would never consider changing careers. By reading articles like these, inspires me. It makes me realise once again that if I want to get through hard times, I can; As long a I stay positive and surround myself with positive people.

  • Robin December 14, 2015, 6:01 am

    I have not been officially diagnosed with clinical depression by a doctor, but I have all of the symptoms. I have NO reason to be this way, except for a business that is very slow at the moment and that is causing more stress an anxiety. I don’t sleep well, I can fall asleep with no problem but I wake up at 2 or 3 am and cannot go back to sleep. This is where my brain starts reeling. I can’t take much more of this. I’ve even joined a law of attraction FB in hopes that reading and saying positive things will help. I’m better than this, we all are.

    • Serena December 21, 2015, 8:57 am

      I’ve never commented on a website about my problems before. It’s helping me get through this.

  • Mike December 14, 2015, 6:09 pm

    just hurt and sad

  • Helloooo December 15, 2015, 2:04 pm

    I’m not even old enough to drive yet, and I feel these symptoms (though, I have had suicidal thoughts before, so I’m not sure whether or not my case is more severe). It interferes with my schoolwork and social life, which is devastating in highschool. I don’t find spending time with other people enjoyable in the slightest (I’ve always been shy and introverted, but the amount that I’d rather be alone is ridiculous). I’m still a straight A student, but I don’t find new knowledge as fascinating as I did when I was younger, and I’m only a freshman. I’ve been eating an unhealthy amount (which I only did previously when I was very upset), spend mindless hours on the Internet because I don’t enjoy doing anything (I used to love anything literary or historical), and just feel kinda… empty. It’s incredibly frustrating, and I often blame myself for how I feel. I don’t know how to pull out of this, and nobody has noticed anything wrong with me. I’m alone.

    • Serena December 21, 2015, 8:53 am

      I’m 22 years old and I just came to the realization that a lot of my extreme social anxiety came from how I grew up. I was shy and didn’t know how to talk to other kids my age because I spent so much time alone. When I was in groups I would stand around and listen but literally, never have anything to add. I was full of energy and I wanted to be as fluent as everyone else but I wasn’t. I can definitely tell you that you are not alone. One thing that I can say is a plus for you is that you aren’t literally alone. I live with two roommates who are never home and I don’t talk to members of my broken family very often. I got fired from a job that I loved very much and I loved everyone I worked with. I have my dog. But it’s when you are literally alone, that life becomes a completely different universe.

    • Macy December 28, 2015, 6:22 pm

      I’m 15 and sadly enough i can fully relate except for the straight A student part.
      I used to find joy in reading and talking to friends now… i don’t want to talk to anybody. They’ll just make fun of me for whatever reason. I just feel like no one cares. And nobody will ever care

  • Brandon December 15, 2015, 6:33 pm

    Wow. I was honestly stunned when I read about this walking depression. I read through the checks thinking to myself, I can’t believe that everything I have been feeling was here, and I wasn’t alone. What made me acept that I had depression or search into google search bar “why am I dissatisfied with life” was partially curiosity and my girl friend. I could write an autobiography but I doubt you’d have the time or interest to read such a thing, and even if you did theres more you could do with your time then reading a near 16 year old’s story on depression. To sum everything up very nicely Im in a faithful relationship and depression wasn’t allowing me to feel any emotions outside of pleasure and dissatisfaction with life as a whole, mere existence felt completely pointless. My bond with her is what kept me from giving up all together, but now that Ive found this site, accepted reality, Im now on the road to returning genuine love and happiness to my partner and my everyday life 🙂

  • Nicole December 18, 2015, 3:58 pm

    For a little less than a month I haven’t felt like myself. I am the happy, outgoing, person who loves to have fun. I don’t drink, I always have plans, I have so many friends. Slowly as things got tough at home, my friends became distant until the point of non-existence and school grew harder I could feel myself slipping away from that person. My sleeping patterns became irregular, I drank more and more, even if it wasn’t drinks that I enjoyed, I lost touch with myself. If you were to ask anyone if I seemed “depressed” they wouldn’t have the slightest idea of what you were talking about. On the outside, to the outside world, I haven’t change, I am the same happy, optimistic person that I always have been, on the inside though, a fire was beginning to go out, I was lifeless. Walking depression is a real thing, I’m dealing with it as I write my comment. I know I need help, and I will get it, I want nothing more than my life to go back to normal, it’s hard being sad, and feeling worthless.

    • Serena December 21, 2015, 8:46 am

      I know exactly how you feel. I’m naturally such a happy and giving person. When I go out no one can see my struggle because I’m happy to be around people. But I barely sleep anymore, I always worry about not being good enough for my job. I end up caring too much. I have never owned up to being depressed, but when I saw the term ‘walking’ depression, I knew it was here. The second I come home I feel like a sultry happy. I don’t know how to create a new balance. I love myself for the first time in my life. But nothing that surrounds me reflects my worth or the effort I feel I have put into my life this far. It’s so confusing.

  • Abriana December 18, 2015, 5:44 pm

    How can you write ? I used to be so amazing at it it just came to me and as I get sadder I sit there with paper and pen with the most blank of thoughts

  • Serena December 21, 2015, 8:40 am

    I went from having three jobs, I was a full time student and I was in love for the first time. Once I noticed my partner was changing and not listening to my cries for help, I ended up breaking up with him. It truly felt right and I thought it would finally open his eyes. I went from a 3.5 to deciding this semester to take a leave of absence from college. I’ve gone through four jobs this year already. I stopped waking up early during the day and that’s how I starting missing class. Then I got really sick and after missing even more school, went to my doctor for medication to help with my extreme social anxiety. It felt like for two months I was ALWAYS behind. No matter how much I cared about the things in my life, they always seemed to slip right through my fingers. I’m a lot more selective about who I spend time with and I’ve actually learned to love who I am. I’m completely baffled at how I can love myself, but still be severely depressed. I’m okay with being alone but I get waves of sadness because I want the feeling of being as loved by a guy my age I felt before. I’m a down to earth, attractive and nice girl. So guys think it’s okay to talk me into helping them cheat on their girlfriends with me and just ‘keep it between us.’ I know I’m independent but I am really scared of not getting married. And for the first time I’m not in school, and my job is so weird. Instead of sleeping all day or for days like I used to, I stay up for days now. It’s so unhealthy and I feel like I’m watching my youth just slip away. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

  • Unknown December 22, 2015, 2:51 am

    This is so me and the feeling better at night hit it right on the head, I think it is why I don’t sleep right. I have been like this since my husband died and it is getting worse. I have no money now, so I work 6 days and am envious of anybody that has money or time for Christmas like putting up decorations or buying a tree. I want to go over the counter at anybody who complains about 10 cents, because I have trouble buying food. I think it is the constant worry and the wish for my old life that is making me miserable.

  • CR December 22, 2015, 5:06 pm

    I have refused and refused and refused to admit that I may be depressed/anxious for years and years now. Having read the above; I believe I need some sort of help because I may in fact be depressed.

    I wake up with ex rusting headaches, a bad temper, struggling to complete activities, the want to do absolutely nothing, and recently dressing up/ getting ready to go out with my friends (something I once saw as the best thing ever in the world to do, I no longer want to do- I can’t be bothered- I’m too lazy.) I also have SUCH a low self-esteem. I was an international gymnast at 16, and retired soon after my 16th Birthday. Since then I have PILED on the weight, to me, I am HUGE, a huge fat cellulite blob. One of the best bits is that I have so so so many stretch marks all over my thighs, my bum, and my boobs, and when I say all over I mean EVERYWHERE, I went from a AA-E in just 3 months. Even my mum commented on them- saying how awful they looked. Which leads me onto my second point- My Mum, she used to compliment me all the time, say how pretty I was, how amazing I looked all of the time, however since I had put on the weight I haven’t heard ONE compliment and I mean that wholeheartedly, not one- she constantly tells me I need to lose weight, and even when we’re on holiday I struggle to been seen in shorts and a strapping top in front of her scared to be judged by her. Leading on from this, I have the most beautiful sister who is a size 6 UK, absolutely drop dead gorgeous, perfect figure, that mum always takes photos of, compliments, says how beautiful she is to me. There was even an occasion that we both got given a job on a yacht over summer, where she said to me ‘do you really want to be working alongside her?’ And scoffed. My self confidence is just so so low because of this too- oh and to add- I’m ginger, and so have the nasty comments to do with that thrown at me too. The problem is you see- without sounding like I adore myself- I was told by so many at school that all of the boys thought I was very attractive. So this has set me up to be even more self concious than I was before, because now I need to look good all the time. But I don’t feel it inside AT ALL. I’m not the same energetic person I was before I put on the weight. In reality- I am not seen as fat, I am a UK size 10-12, not overweight, but definitely feel it. I had my first serious boyfriend when I was 17, and even after a year of being together, I found it extremely difficult to be naked in front of him with the lights on, because I hated myself so much, I couldn’t let him see me- how could anyone love the disgustingly vile body that I am? I also pushed him away massively for the whole year- we wouldn’t go out for meals, see eachother outside of a social environment, because I was afraid, I don’t even know what I was afriad of, but I was afriad. I would not and frankly could not let him get into my soul, or heart. I shut him out1 told him what he wanted to hear but shut him out. Convinced myself that I didn’t like him- so much so that I cheated on him twice. TWICE. My mind drove me to cheat on my boyfriend that was head over heels in love with me. I then went to uni, and feel as if the process of uni has pushed me away from all of my home friends as well as my family, and furthermore the friends I have made at uni, are amazing, but I still wouldn’t class them as amazing friends. And this is because I have told myself that they aren’t amazing, I have conditioned myself to say that they aren’t as great as they are. Thus making me feel completely alone. I WILL NEVER EVER speak to my parents about this sort of thing, because I don’t want them to see me weak, or feel satisfaction in me telling them something- I have to win- I have to have the last word my temper is very high, the slight word against me and your head gets bitten off. But I could never tell them as they’d know then and could use it against me.

    As you can see from the above, I am just extremely messed up. My head is all over the place, I don’t know what to do now- I can’t talk to anyone I know, but I need to see someone to let this all out- typing this has made me feel so much better – a release of all the negativity. If anyone could help / recommend someone to help me I would so totally grateful- struggling to know where to turn now. Thanks

    • Lostpenny December 24, 2015, 9:06 pm

      You’re not alone. I used to be skinny until I was about 9 or 10 when I just went from bone skinny to high average. I hated my body. Up to this point I had to convince myself I don’t care about looks. I made sure to make up for my lack of attractiveness with book-smarts. Smothered my hatred in pride. It succeeded in the most twisted way possible, becoming an arrogant, sensitive, egocentric person.

    • KT December 31, 2015, 9:54 am

      WOW this helped me see im not alone. not so much a bout the weight but about the fact our minds convince us that people arent that great….. Im in a weird mental place that I have pushed my boyfriend so far away, that he isn’t living with me anymore, and my mind is trying to convince me that he isnt for me! that i need to find something else and also had the thoughts to cheat on him ( I havent… yet) I dont want to but but my mind is telling me im not happy- that maybe hes the reson why, and i cant figure out of its him or if its me? haha my mind is in 1000 different places in my live of looks( as im a ginger too) and of my job, trying to be financially set( which lost my job in June and im struggling day to day) so im thinking my mind set isnt positive and nothing I mean nothing makes me happy- looking in the mirror i don’t feel attractive- wanting longer hair, abs an Ass!! all the thing that media says we need to look to be ” Happy”. i’m just trying to figure out how to not make the world and people around me affect my internal happiness and its hard!!!! so hard! Im happy this was something I found on the internet!! Talking seems to be the best solution, but trusting people to talk about it is my hardest issue.

  • Lost December 24, 2015, 8:37 pm

    This is such an eye-opener. I thought I was fine. Maybe I used to be and it slowly deteriorated without my knowedge. The approach on aesthetism is very interesting too because I used to draw and paint often. Recently I spent all of my (agonising) time doing my art exam coursework and I find that while I still draw, it has no meaning because I’m doing it for the letter on the CV. I’m only a student at high school level so I know the pressure will only get worse and I should seek help; it doesn’t help that I’m neurotic, pessimistic, socially awkward and cynical. I find that while I can get art schoolwork done to a high standard, it’s usually a sloppy process – night before panic, stressing myself to the point of break, procrastinating, lying to myself about what I do and don’t get done. When I see the A* grade it looks like a justification for the unbearable pain of the process of completing it.

  • KB December 25, 2015, 2:17 pm

    All my life I’ve been searching for ways to find what they call “happiness”. I hate feeling so pessimistic & it’s distancing me from my family. I used to enjoy the things like Christmas & Holiday events. Just yesterday, I felt quite empty that the smallest little things angered me. I have never been in a real relationship and often get jealous when I see my family happy with their partners. I am also dealing with a grandmother who is showing signs of memory loss & dementia. I fight back the tears because I want to be strong but ,in reality, I just want to take this sad sap that is me and replace it with someone who enjoys his life & time with the people around him. I also have been dealing with issues at work from management change to the pressure to perform well. Work has not been as fun as it used to be during my two year tenure there. I want to quit so bad but I just can’t because of the responisibilities. I don’t have children but I feel very childish for a guy who just turned 30. My 20s weren’t as I wanted from the loss of jobs because of poor judgments to the friendships and near relationships that faltered because of dumb reasons. I felt hurt & heartbroken. I want to change this! I drink to the point where I am laughing & having a good time & I need to stop that I don’t abuse alcohol but I fear that I am using it to hide what is actually going with me. This post made realize where I stand and what I have to do to change that. I hope the new year brings more optimism in my life!

  • koc December 25, 2015, 7:51 pm

    I hate my life, I cry every day alone in my bed every time I’m alone I wish i’ll die anytime just waiting for my kids to be older enough to take care of themselves.

  • J December 25, 2015, 9:34 pm

    Depression runs in my family. I have had what appears to be severe walking depression for decades. the laughable thing is, I’m an intuitive counselor that knows how to put a great face on it so everyone things I’m so together. I refuse any medication; I don’t know what it would do to my abilities. My parents spent literally over a millions dollars on psychoanalysis when I was growing up, and it did nothing for them. My husband and I are barely making ends meet as it is, so I certainly can’t afford any help. And I’m sixty. When he retires in a couple of years we’ll be close to the level of “food or medicine?” seniors — which is why I can never stop working. Ever. We have no vacations. I work six days a week drumming up business.

    There seems literally no point in anything. I’m not suicidal — too scared of the pain of the dying process. But the idea that this is the rest of my life is beyond comprehension.

  • Inikvi December 27, 2015, 4:54 am

    I dont know when I started to get depressed, I felt the most depressing moment of my life when it is nearly I found out (2days before) i caught mu girlfriend cheating on me, I was depressed but aside from that I have feelings of faith that I can move on with this, and I tried my best and it worked a little while trying to forgive her and saying to everybody that I have forgiven her, after that, many good things happened like I got an opportunity to go to other country which I am already here now, chance to realize good friends who helped me get thru my sadness that helped a lot, finally a success to my hardwork in getting here with an inspiration coming from a girl who I am attracted to while I was moving on, that everytime i think of her makes me really happy and it gelped me tonpush thru in the challenges I faced in getting to this place. But still i gelt so depressed in the first two months here because I was living with people who I thought real friends, and I took mu self out in their lives. I found another lady that made me happy here romantically but still after a little while it disnt brcame successful, because she didnt really liked me that much even though she gave me a real good emotions to get inspired with my job, but it ended when it disappointed my feelings, i cant work at my best and then I tried to ended my feelings for her and use it to motivate myself that Its just a challenge to my life that some people really hurts me but i should keep going, i faked everything and realizing that i am also fooling my self trying to make her know that im over her and i found someone who made me really happy right now. Cos everytime im with her its breaking mu heart and making me feel so miserable, that is why i was trying to aboid her to avoid this feeling but still this kind of emotions affects every aspect of my life.. Feeling very different to others while still trying to make my life better and still feeling miserable inspite of every progress I have. I want to completely know that everything is happening for a reason because its so excruciating everytime I am in this kind of situation. I really want to get rid of this kind of thoughtsthat I am having. I am hoping already and sometimes its really a hope not a faith.. I should keep the faith of having a good life to be more better and better as I go along with my life. Also I am going to have a emotional therapy to help my self with this. To be always positive cos i believe that all this things are just coming from my thoughts. I dont wanna fool my self anymore, i am loving my self and giving importance with it but still maybe is not yet enough. My life is really an ups and downs.

  • Marcysia December 28, 2015, 6:08 pm

    I feel like i’ve had depression since i was a little girl… like around 8 years old maybe? I’m 15 turning 16 in June and i just knew i had a severe depression when i was 13 years old and i guess you could say it left about year a half later. I don’t know wheter i truely had depression, i don’t know if i still have it, i don’t know if i ever had depression but what i do know is that my parents think it’s pathetic. They don’t believe in depression or self harm (they caught my scars once) I can’t talk to them nor can i talk to a doctor since i’d need permission from my parents. I have nowhere to go and i feel trapped in a box that’s keeping me from all the insults outside of it.

  • sylphy December 29, 2015, 12:58 pm

    wow…. ok….
    just read this post… (directed from google)
    I’m 35…. and I completely identify with the girl above…. I felt the same at her age…. and here I am at 35.. and nothing much has changed…. I didn’t even think there was anyone else on the planet that could possibly put into words what I have been experiencing in my head…. but here it is… in bullet points…. on a website…..
    I am an art teacher you see….. and a bit creative…. I wish the image of the tortured rich artist was true, because I think I tick quite a few of those boxes!!!! But it’s not as romantic as the poems…. or my teenage mind.. had made out….. anyway… you my website posters.. are not as they say… alone… not by a long shot…. and this website has delayed my suicidal thoughts… at least for tonight… And I feel a little comforted……. B. x

  • yvette December 29, 2015, 9:57 pm

    if only i could be someones saving grace and someone be mine, sometimes all a person needs to hear is that everything will be ok but when youre alone that never happens.

  • KT December 31, 2015, 9:31 am

    I’m going through this all right now. I’m still functioning in work and life. but my relationship suffered and is going downhill fast. therapy works but its too expensive to upkeep how often i feel i need it. it all started when the economy in Alberta hit the shits and 8 years i dedicated myself to my job and company and then I lost it all. I did learn I defined myself by my job- which isnt who I am- but finding work again to pay bills and pick up the pieces is so hard and inst making this easy. How do you stay positive when you are scrapping to get by to have a life? how can you have happy thoughts when keeping a roof over your head and bills paid is hard? I’m not even living in a rich part of the city, paying less then some, but feel as if i cant make it work and i have 9 more months on a current Mat leave job and then i’m out of work again.
    I need a change and need it soon or i feel im gonna loose alot of people around me on my own doing of being alone instead.
    How does one get positive? not looking into 9 months down the road when i may be jobless and cant have my apartment? how does one only have day to day positivity? let me know of ideas to try. As breathing and meditation isnt doing it well. It numbs me till my brain starts to think again.

  • Cade January 1, 2016, 8:00 am

    This is me.
    I am a 44 year old single mom who is also taking care of a family member who should be self reliant. Everything I do is to keep the family happy because as long as they are happy no one is at me to do more.
    I find mornings hard because I hate my job but it pays the bills and I have no confidence that I can do better. I love getting home, until I have to listen to them all…bedtime is my favourite time. I don’t sleep well but I am in the one space that is truly mine.
    I used to write. I used to love to write. Now I can’t be bothered. I can’t be bothered with anything really.
    My 14 year old believes themselves to be transgender which would be fine with me except that my child has always been easily influenced my social media and music just to belong. There has been some outrageous behaviour before.
    yet there is no help in finding out if this is real or just another influenced behaviour. No matter where I turn for help they won’t even listen to my concerns and make me feel like an evil parent for even questioning anything. Sorry but child’s health and happiness is foremost and there is a very real chance this is part of the pattern of influenced behaviour
    yet now I am dealing with feelings of being a bad parent.
    My best friend passed away in August so there is not only that loss of family for he was like brother. ..but the ear of listening and voice of reason is gone.
    I feel like nothing is really worth my effort. I am sad all of the time. My family sees it and make cutting comments because anything to do with depression or mental illness of any sort is an excuse. So that adds to it.
    I blame myself and my feelings for making my child feel so emotional and melodramatic.
    I don’t think of suicide it is not that deep depression but I want to run. Almost everyday I just want to pack up and leave without a trace.. Not mature or fair to my child who I would never leave…but I think of running.
    I wish I could free myself of family when my ex husband left our child was 4 months old. To try to give mychild a family life I bought a house with my parents…..but my two older sisters moved in too. Now I am trapped. No way out because to leave would financially mess up my parents who are seniors. They would still keep my sisters on…but I feel they shouldn’t have to and would feel guilty and take my sisters which puts me back here as I am so why try.
    I dread the day my parents pass and child goes to university..because my child will not be trapped like me….they will fly high and soar. ..but when they are gone there will be just me and my two sisters who I do love…but really wish I could do so from afar like normal families.
    Walking depression. ..definitely. it can be a zombie like state

  • alex January 2, 2016, 10:43 am

    Thank you for sharing! I been struggling for awhile now with now what I understand to be walking depression, I keep going on for my daughter but sometimes I feel if it weren’t for her, well idk. I know I need help just don’t know where or how to start

  • Robin January 2, 2016, 2:49 pm

    As I read most comments it brought tears to my eyes. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and used medication for a while but it only made me more tired. I am totally unhappy and cannot find joy in anything I have had 5 jobs in 5 months my relationships is being affected on top of trust issues. I have a nine year old who’s father is not in her life, and sexual abuse from my childhood that I have suppressed for years. On the outside people see me as happy funny and strong but in side I literally want to die. I feel worthless and even though I am truly blessed in my life I am unable to enjoy my life. When I was younger I was able to hide it better but after having my daughter its been an up hill battle that sometimes I feel will never end. I really just truly want to be happy and enjoy my life but I feel trapped, inside of my self and have no idea to become free..

  • M January 3, 2016, 10:05 am

    I am dealing with my depression. I am seeing a counselor and taking medication. My environment is the real problem. I live with my mother and two children. I am a single mother and have been divorced for 7 years. I am working and trying to finish school. It just feels like I’m always stuck no matter how much progress I make. I don’t really enjoy doing things at home, rather I literally can not. The stress I feel in my mothers home is awful. You could cut the tension with a knife. I really can’t stand my family they make me miserable and feel bad. All I want is to be alone in my own place with my children and not deal with them at all.

  • Anonymous January 3, 2016, 12:53 pm

    From what I can tell, I’ve got depression. The problem is I don’t want to ask for help; I just don’t want to worry anyone. I don’t see the point and feel like just another easily replaceable cog in a giant machine. Why waste medicine and time on just another cog? Deep down I know this isn’t true. I’m pursuing a culinary career, and am an alright artist. I get complements on my work and I know its decent, but it just doesn’t register inside.
    It just feels nice to get this off my chest – thank you.

  • Nik January 4, 2016, 2:20 am

    Yeah I exhibit pretty much all the signs listed here for nearly two years now, but the strange thing is it happened all of a sudden, yes all of a sudden while I was doing some laundry I had what I will describe as a nervous breakdown, racing heartbeat, trembling hands, etc. Basically all the signs of an anxiety attack and ever since then I’ve not been normally I’ve been experiencing severe social anxiety and intermittent depression, I’m a little confused 🙁

  • Carol January 4, 2016, 9:15 am

    I think I am going through depression since when I was young. I even tried to put an end on my life when I was in Secondary because I don’t feel valued. Actually there are more underlying reasons why I think I feel this way. Nobody knows that I am going through this invisible war up until now. I tried to do self-healing. It works, yeah, but for me, it only last for few weeks. Then, I will feel down again. I am losing my grip but I don’t want to lose in this invisible war. My family will be at stake esp now that they’re depending on me financially. However, I am getting tired each and every day even though I have a supportive partner. It’s been a question to me: “Should I keep on going?” The hardest part for me is that I know how to cheer up myself but I still fail due to frequent occurence of this ‘tsunami’ emotions in me.

  • Emily January 4, 2016, 4:57 pm

    I’m depressed and have been for a while. I’m really young barely a teenager no one notices because they have to deal with my sister in college who has extreme anxiety. I thought about suicide but I would never commit it because im scared of death. I am raised in a Christian home so every one will hate me if I tell. I’m always angry at my parents, God, and myself.

    Plz don’t tell me to tell someone because I can’t.

    (I’m sorry I ranted. I just needed to talk)

  • Grant January 7, 2016, 7:25 pm

    So I’m in high school and I definitely feel a large selection of these “symptoms” and I’ve found that being kind to others does help a lot. Just checking up on other people and if they don’t feel all too great at the moment just be there for them, it really makes you feel good. However, I still feel like I’m just taping myself together every day.

  • sheila rutledge January 8, 2016, 5:29 am

    I’m a 64 year old woman whose husband was recently laid off his job in August and he’s about to get the old age pension I’m finding now it’s very hard as I’m very active during the day and he also wants to do nothing I suggested 12 things he doesn’t want to do he leaves at home watching TV I also have two children by another relationship he’s never had kids and recently my daughter did something that was so devastating that I’ve had to cut ties off with her and he will not let me see her or have any contact with her and if I do we threatened to leave Anyways and our money situation isn’t good but there are things you can do but he just won’t do anything he won’t give We’ve been together 23 years and I feel like leaving but I’m in a financial bind and can’t can you help

    • Kimbal January 8, 2016, 7:57 pm

      Hello Sheila;
      I am 57. Your plight sounds a bit like my own parents and how they were. Both have since passed away because of health issues from all the crap in their lives. The family were cut off because they were Jehovah’s Witnesses who shun former members, or were divorced [ as I have been in both situations ]. Dad would rarely leave the house and Mum would be racking her brain trying to keep the few in the family together while finding a solution.
      In the case of your Hubby – I’m exactly the same – never go anywhere and never leave the house, other than to go to work.
      When I am not at work, I spend whole days in bed staring at the plain white ceiling, or surfing the Internet just to kill time. I don’t even have a partner in my life any more.
      I have a million things I could and want to do, but no money to get them done. No point to anything in life, because I have no money nor purpose left to pursue. Everything one starts, fails and falls apart ( not because I have no skills ) but because you don’t have the tools to accomplish the task, and you have no support networks to encourage you.
      As for assisting your husband, try and find out more about his core makeup – his hobbies and past interests and why he no longer follows these. He may not reactivate them, but he may discover something about himself he did not know. I’ve killed some ( but not all ) of my problem by studying the Occult in order to find out the hidden reasons as to why I am who I am. I use to be very religious and found that it failed to answer life’s questions.
      Watching Tv all day, is to the brain as bad and being in a coma.
      I hope you find some answers.

  • Kimbal January 8, 2016, 7:29 pm

    I Iive in Australia; and certainly feel for everyone’s plight.
    My situation is no different; in fact, I’ve had grown men close to tears when they hear my story – which I won’t go into here because it’s too lengthy. I don’t have any resolving answers either, other than for many of us it will be our “fate”.
    I say “fate” – because not one of you would have deliberately chosen this life style if you could avoid it.
    We are all human, and subject to the same daily pressures as everyone else, and in so doing, some cope better than others.
    For those that don’t know – the four core pillars of life are >
    Health, Wealth, Love & Happiness.
    If anyone or more of these four are missing, our lives start to decay.
    I’m sure if you think about your own life, at least one of these pillars is missing, for others like me, maybe all.
    It may not be your fault, but it is your reality.
    Each one of these pillars is interwoven with the other three.
    If you have no money, your happiness is effected, which may effect your health and love for others. Likewise if your health is poor, your ability to earn an income is effected.
    Depression takes over when we loose control of these 4 pillars. If these totally collapse, like a house falling down, we give up and maybe turn to drugs, alcohol or even suicide as life from there seems pointless.
    All I can suggest is – try and identify the missing components in your own life, then in little steps try and rebuild it back, or at least replace it with something equivalent. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m sure you should at least get my idea on this.
    All the best with your life.

  • Skitty McNando January 9, 2016, 9:23 pm

    I do not know what I have. Sometimes I feel like I have depression and anxiety and anorexia, and other times I feel like just making it up because I need it. I hate my life. I have a loving boyfriend who I will marry in a couple years (we’ve talked thoroughly about this), a family that has stayed together for 25 years, some friends who will take time for me if I asked them (which I don’t because I don’t want to inconvenience them, they have other important things to worry about than me), I work in a nice quiet environment at my college year round (cuz I live in the area) and it’s something I love to do, and I am also a Catholic Christian.

    Last year I had a falling out with God and I’ve lost all strength to try to make things better. I have a masturbation addiction (which is condemned by my faith, and has plenty of health reasons for it. I completely agree with my faith on that matter, but I’ve been addicted since I was 6 and didn’t even know it was bad until I was 12, and I haven’t been able to stop. It’s only gotten worse, getting into porn and erotic stories and everything…my boyfriend knows and loves me and tries to help…but I’ve given up on that too). I had an eating problem when I was 16, and I think it never really went away but I’m not sure anymore (I’m 20 now). I eat very little – maybe one full meal a day, if that, and I’m underweight. I’ve been underweight since I was 16 but it’s gotten worse.

    I hate my life, but I don’t want to change. At this point…it’s like I just wanna accept that my life sucks, but I know that will cause problems in the future with my boyfriend if we are ever going to have a family (which I want to so much…) and be a good Catholic. But I still don’t want to change. I’ve had motivation problems ever since I was 17, and it’s only spurts of moments where I am motivated to do something (but i usually find something negative to get me out of it or I just lose the motivation. It hardly ever lasts more than 5 minutes). I also have emotion problems now. Worse than before (when I was 18). I don’t feel anything. I cry like a baby during movies, but in real life I am not sad that I’m hurting my relationships, I’m not sad or angry or happy or excited or anything. Sometimes I’ll get happy about certain things…but I find some negative thing to destroy it. (This happens naturally…I don’t TRY to find negative things…I just see them in everything…)
    I also used to have semi suicidal thoughts, although I’m not sure I would have actually done them. I am not suicidal anymore, but I do wish I didn’t exist sometimes though.

    I currently live with my parents (but that will change this summer) and I go to college and I work. I have so many things I want to do and never do them. What’s the point? It takes too long and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m bored all day and won’t sleep at night (I’m tired…but I refuse to sleep until after midnight even though I have work at 8/9 the next morning). I always feel sick from no food, but I don’t know what I want to eat when given the option. I eat a lot of candy/soda/sweets and have water pretty regularly too. I don’t drink coffee. Caffeine also has no effect on me (at least not the couple of cokes I might have, I don’t have anything higher in caffeine than that tho).

    I feel like I need help…but going to see a counselor will cost money and I don’t know how my insurance works plus I’m on my parents insurance and they don’t know about any of this. I don’t want to tell them (I don’t have the best relationship with them). I have tried to get a spiritual director but that too was difficult. I found myself too nervous and just lied about everything because i wasn’t comfortable. I don’t know what to do. If I continue like this it will destroy everyone I love, and I will probably end up dead. But on the other hand I don’t want advice cuz I won’t change my eating, I won’t change when I get up, or when I go to sleep. I won’t try harder not to masturbate or get better spiritually. I don’t want to. I feel alone even though I know I have people that care…but I feel like I can’t change anything while I live with my parents, while my boyfriends across the country, while I don’t have professional help, even if I’m unsupervised. I feel like a 2 year old, I NEED to be watched. 24/7. But that’s not possible at this age and I lack the motivation and stamina to look after myself.

    • Ryan January 14, 2016, 1:33 pm

      You should NEVER feel guilty for masturbating. It is natural, healthy, and perfectly good for you. Don’t listen to archaic religions that were established thousands of years ago. Masturbate whenever and wherever you want, and ditch that abusive place you call church.

  • Eddie January 10, 2016, 1:04 am

    This effected me so much
    Having a sad childhood is one of the factors of me suffering this this made me a social outcast always alone I was never like this , this caused me to have really bad insomnia negative thoughts causing me to be too tired to go to school ditching I lost all my friends
    Dropped out of high school have a lot of anxiety now I mostly stay home rarely go out and get really depressed when people tell me I’m a loser and have no life I tried to be positive but end of the day I end up crying myself to sleep thinking of suicide everyday some days I don’t know why I’m even still breathing o tried exercising but that even doesn’t help even when I went to work I would get really depressed causing me to quit saying I don’t deserve any happiness

  • Anonymous January 10, 2016, 10:54 pm

    Oh. My. God.
    You just described my life.
    I think I just got a motivation to go to a therapist. yaaaaaaaay……..

  • Amie January 11, 2016, 1:33 am

    Hi im Amie , 25 years old .
    I have all the 10 signs above. I noticed that when i watch a movie and i see something hillariaous i become super extied and talking shouting jumping acting all weird to myself thats when i relise i need to reserch on these things . Im thinking im become crazy . No work for a year , staying alone , dont hangout much or with friends , no sosial life , no money to do whatever u need too. It all started out when i quit my job and turning my money into a self invesment (opening up a campony) it ran good for 5 month until i can help my friends that are in need of money to work with me . Well some bad apples burn the campony to ground leaving me penneyless . From than on until now im still this way . Do i need help ? I dont know where to get one .

  • S January 12, 2016, 1:27 pm

    I have been feeling all of the above. I believe I have been strong for too long. I’ve loss interest in the things I used to enjoy. I feel completely lost. But I am trying my best to slowly get myself back together. It’s been a battle. This article really pinned point what I have and its nice to know I’m not alone.

  • ryan January 14, 2016, 1:28 pm

    Unemployment, alcohol and drug abuse, and relationship failures have come to define my experiences as a depressive. Most medications I have tried make me feel strange and rather ill. I don’t trust doctors or 12 step programs because I found (through experience) a good deal of those folks to be abusive, manipulative people. Nobody will ever know this struggle until they have experienced it. Meanwhile, the world looks at my talent and intelligence and deems me a complete waste of human potential. Depression is truly an awful, debilitating, and miserable disease which can lead to despair and ultimately death.

  • D January 14, 2016, 8:18 pm

    I didn’t know me feeling this way had a name. I am so absolutely depressed. I know why. Because of having to work and seeing this as pointless, I feel like a slave. And of course because of money. I am to the point where I don’t see any meaning in my life or anything to look forward to. I wish I can go to heaven already and be done. But I’d hate to hurt the people around me:(

  • Anonymous January 16, 2016, 12:57 pm

    I’m a single full-time father, recent graduate from university, graduate student, and I got an introvert personality. I refuse to take medicine and I won’t talk to any specialists. Specialists in my country adds everything to a governmental journal which all employers have access to. I feel lonely, sad, and I want to just lay down and sleep forever. Please give me any tips or any directions. Thanks.

  • Eve January 16, 2016, 6:17 pm

    For the beginning I would like to apologies, English is my second language and I do make mistakes sometimes.
    Yours posts are hart breaking and I can relate to 90 percent of your experience.
    My depression history is long and painful, it started when I was a child and it still coming back and I am 46 now. 15 years ago I was in terrible state I had two small children and I was totally depended on my husband who was an alcoholic. Everything was strictly control by my husband family to that extend that I wasn’t allowed to find job for myself. I felt like I died emotionally and physically long time ago and all what was left was broken in to million pieces hart because that was people who should care and help but they are more like perpetrators not like a family. Unable to think mind or even make a simple decision because I was to scared and focused on this this fear every each minute of my life My soul ran and hide somewhere where I could’t find her.I felt like I was in a trap, I had nobody to ask for help. this everything make me so helpless and hopeless and I tried to committed suicide. I woke up in the hospital but this wasn’t enough for me to stand up for myself, instead I was seeking for help from lets call them professionals. For 4 months I was staffed with different types of drugs which like I was told are not addictive. If this drug doesn’t work then you need to try different one. I remember walking through apartment and notice this dirt around and my children looking so sad and scared they ware watching watching my every move. That was the day when I said ENOUGH I HAVE TO WAKE UP!!!!
    All drugs went to the toilet and I have to say that was hard. Firstly drugs which turn up to be addictive I had addiction symptoms for the next two months. Secondly Apartment was in very poor state, my relationship with my husband nonexistance The truth is that cure for depression doesn’t exist, not enough date to make a drug which could do the job. I want to show you that you can fight back. I learn from my depression and depression make me stronger, maybe not that strong how I would like to be but still stronger than I was. Now I am smart enough to recognize the symptoms and fight back.

  • Eve January 18, 2016, 7:59 am

    For the beginning of my post I would like to apologize, English is my second language and I do make mistakes. I am just hoping you will be able to understand what I want to say.
    I am not going to write about how horrible I feel sometimes, this website is full of posts like that, instead I am going to tell you how I am fighting back and make myself feel better, because I think that you guys need a little bit of light in the tunnel to give you some hope that you can be better.
    I was depressed since I was a child ( I went through different therapy’s, antidepressants, and I tried to commit a suicide and I nearly succeeded) and I live with depression long enough to recognize the symptoms. So when I know is coming I am doing few simple things to make myself feel better. I know how difficult it is when you cant see the future and when you cant even look forward to another day but you have to be strong ( there is always someone in your life for whom you should be strong if you feel you can’t be strong just for yourself) I was strong for my children, I am strong for my present husband and now I can be strong for myself. I want to tell you how I am doing this. First you need to focus on doing something for yourself, it is important to put yourself first just for few hours a day.It could be anything, learn how to cook,if you want to loose weight look for exercises , learn a new dance, find something what you can look forward to, it could be new book, when did you read a book last time??? I fund Bipasha Basu on the YouTube work out for beginners and I lost two stones since last May doing just 30 minutes exercises 5 days per week and watching what I eat. Believe me, I feel much better, it’s free and it’s very rewarding. Secondly, be strong and think positively, in order to do this I am making a plan for each day, my husband taught me this. For example today I am spending two hours looking for a job, 30 min exercises, cooking (finding new recipes on the internet and put all my hart in to it feels great), clean up our flat and waiting for my husband to go back from work. Thirdly do not think to much about how you feel, I am basically ignoring the way how i feel. I have spent 2 months in the hospital where they taught me to analyse my feelings every minute of my life, and then I spent years trying not to do this. From my experience this is making me feel even more depressed. Look around you, think who in your life is making you feel down one of those people was my ex husband. I h’had my ex husband and his family on my back for years, they always knew how to make me feel horrible and they always thought they know better, I cut off contact. Now they don’t even know where I am and it feel so good. Another thing is to forgive everyone who hurt or abused you, don’t take me wrong, forgive doesn’t mean forget. The way how I think about this is, OK it’s happened, I learned a lesson it’s not gone happen again. I am just a human and at the time my decisions ware based on the very bad circumstances which I was in and my personal fears. But now I am different person, slowly I am gaining power over my life and I want to look forward to the future I don’t want to be stuck in my past. I can’t go back in time and make different decisions, what is done is done I choose to move forward. I fund very easy to forgive other people what they have done to me just because I understand that I let them do this and because of that I am funding very difficult to forgive myself, well I am still trying, and I wont give up on this. Somebody told me that if you are going trough hell you can only go forward and that’s what I am doing:) Another thing which I am doing is, when I feel that I am falling down in to depression I am trying to put little bit of context in to my life, this allowed me to see that my life is good. I could be homeless for example. So, I am grateful for this what I h’got. When I can’t see this I am writhing down on the paper what I h’got and what I have achieved, this can be something small,for example my last add to my list was a cake. I am rubbish with baking and I manage (after 3 times trying) to bake chocolate cake and I was very proud of myself:)
    my neighbor love it, she tanks me 2 times:) and her husband too.
    I am always trying to help others if I can, this make me feel better too.
    So boys and girls heads up today is a first day to make a changes in your life. Even if you feel that you don’t fit in to society like I do, even if you feel you are outsider with different view on life, like I do, even if you feel world is horrible place to live in and people are selfish, like I do, remember we have a choice and we don’t have to be like them. I decide to do vice versa to the world. So if people are selfish I am helpful and honest, if world is horrible I am protecting my life and my little world from this horribleness, I choose consciously to be a good human but now I can stand up for myself and I decide to ignore the way how people are, I cant change them because it’s them choice who they want to be, all what I can do is to change my self and choose people around me carefully. I decide no’t to let my past to make me horrible and miserable human. I knew that in order to get better, my world and life need big changes I started this changes from changing myself and choosing what kind of human I wane to be, there is no other way I am afraid.
    I wish you all from the bottom of my heart to find the way out from this misery, I just want you to know that there is way out but it’s required strength which I know you all have. Take care.

    • Abdusy January 30, 2016, 11:35 pm

      thanks , its kinda help me .. its like you just pour a glass of water on a dying flower .

  • Julia January 18, 2016, 12:34 pm

    I have been denying this for almost four years. May not sound like a lot, but it felt like ages. The reasons why I simply can’t go on with this story are plenty… Firstly, I simply /cannot/ place such a burden on my family. They do not deserve it. My mother and those who raised me shouldn’t have their hopes crushed – the hopes of a perfect child. I am the last of three children and have been the only (apparently) “normal” one; with no issues with the law or “social issues” or whatsoever. I cannot add to the list. Secondly, everything would feel wrong. Who am I? I’ve received a great education (a much better one than I have ever deserved in the first place), went to formidable cities all around the world; I’ve had everything I could ever wish for. Yet, I couldn’t refrain myself from being depressed. I cannot stop thinking of the people that have a reason to feel that way. I feel as if everyone in the whole world has the right to be sad, except me. I have everything; I am happy. I tell myself that every day, yet, I am wrong. Even though I am happy, I have this constant sadness, this constant anger; a sort of irritability following me like a shadow, even when I am laughing. It is always there, waiting for something bad to happen, so it can finally be unleashed. Nonetheless, I will continue feeling this way until I take a grip of the situation and, finally, manage my feelings, just like I did when I was a child. I just wish I could feel what is right to feel; I wish my feelings matched the person I am.

    • Empty box January 21, 2016, 10:30 pm

      Stay strong… Don’t let the judgement of other deter you from seeking help. If you do seek help it’s for you to know and not the world. I know easier said than done. But always hoping.

  • Empty box January 21, 2016, 10:25 pm

    Hello I know a lot of you know what’s going on and could relate. I feel like solid case that empty inside, when people cry I feel nothing, I try and not make conversations with people and family because I feel they will judge and say the good ol I know what your going through I remember….. like ok I did not want that and then everyone around you starts to act different. I’m sorry I’m just going through a rant. But things have been going positive for me I get this spark I feel good an boom I feel like yelling crying hollow. I did seek help but got scared thinking it would affect me negatively. So thank you for listening I was all over the place but I am working on piecing my self together. Much love to you all take care and stay strong.

  • Janr January 23, 2016, 12:39 am

    I don’t know what to do. I’m sitting in bed typing in my search engine “I’m unhappy and I’m taking it out on my family”. And I’m just crying typing that cause I didn’t realize completely how I’m feeling until somehow my fingers just typed that. And one of the things that came up was this website so I read it and I felt like you were explaining me …just me plain and simple! And so, what do I do? I am realizing I’m depressed!! How? I wouldn’t fall into this and if I did I would stop it but it hasn’t stopped its just getting worse! I’m lashing out at my family daily for every little thing they do, everything annoys me, everything is stupid , everything in me is just falling apart and I can’t fix it! Why? I have everything….a son, a daughter, a husband that loves me, not financially struggling….but I pretty much hate everything and everyone around me. I hate my life, I hate that I haven’t done anything with my life (not that matters enough) And…I know all this and I can’t do anything about it. I’m too old to just start my life over or start a career, my kids are starting to go on their way to college …I’m left with just my nothing self. I haven’t always been this way I don’t like asking for help but I’ve gotta snap out of this I have no idea how. Am I really this bad where I have to ask for help? I don’t know. And if I do need a therapist or whatever how is that going to make me happy just talking about it? Know one will know exactly how I feel and what is making me this way. I guess it’s just my life; my 45 years of whatever made up those 45 years has brought me to this and I seems “this” is all there is ever going to be. But I don’t want to hurt my family and my unhappiness is doing that but I don’t tell them that I basically blame them …how can I stop this?

  • Sam January 28, 2016, 9:55 am

    I feel this every day… Motivating myself to do things is such hard work but I do just get on with it, I can’t find anything to look forward to and find anything I do eventually find I look for a way not to do it then beat myself up about it, I still take care of everyone and physically look after myself but I spend every waking moment beating myself up mentally, I jus my don’t know where to turn

  • Rachael January 30, 2016, 3:24 pm

    Im so desperately sad all of the time, people notice and comment but I smile through ot and persuade them im Ok. I’ve been a single mother of three for 14 years and in that time have not had a relationship as such. I was abused by my children’s father mentally and physically which makes it hard for me to trust. I don’t have any friends and the ones I see once in a blue moon are currently in some sort of dilemma in there lives, once it has passed I am of no use to them anymore and again get slung aside. I’m in no position to meet or socialise with others due to my work home schedule, my family have moved on, met partners and are into their own lives. I feel so alone it actually physically hurts my chest so bad at night I can’t sleep. Everything is so overwhelming it’s becoming unbearable. I have no one to confide in, when I do try im told “im here for you you’ll snap out of it”.. It’s not true as it’s forgotten about and u have to pretend I’m ok all over again. I read these blogs to try “snap out if it” but nothing seems to help me in the slightest. No one does really care for me, no one will love me and no one is there to hug me and tell me I’m going to be ok and they won’t leave me, they will fight for me all the way. When you’re so desperately unhappy like I am none of this advice is useful because I don’t have anyone to help me through it and anyone who understands why I’m so down. I’m sure though it’s useful to some and for them I wish th well

  • Abdusy January 30, 2016, 11:26 pm

    Idk i was depressed before .. it all seems as if nothing happened to me , sometimes i just dont know how to feel … happy or sad .. but mostly i tried to avoid people as much as possible .. i feel so angry , so easily annoyed .. even i was happy and laughing through all the jokes and funny things it was just temporary . As soon as i start to make a productive life .. it would just hit me .. those negative feelings and all .. being lazy and didnt want anyone to bother me . Just building up this huge castle with no stairs so no one could ever visit me .. Idk what i want .. love affection ? isolation ? its a mix of those . Im just lost even with a map on my hand .

  • katie January 31, 2016, 5:30 pm

    I hate to say this but I have to admit it and since it’s too hard to do in person to someone I know I guess its easier online- I am a 31 year old single mother of a six year old. I am a nurse by trade but now work in management usually 50 hours a week. I have also been the victim of criminal harassment and vandalism on going to my home in vehicle for over a year. I go to work I take care of my daughter I walk my dog occasionally but I feel I am just going through the motions.as I post this I don’t have the energy to drive to the grocery store to get food even though we have no food.. well some but in desperate need. I hate leaving the house. I find joy in nothing . The only time i feel is in the morning. I feel angry and miserable for having to get up and go through the daily grind. I pray i will come out of this .i once was a social butterfly who worked three jobs to put myself through nursing school. Now…i just want to my life to go away. Like a year vacation or something. No i won’t commit suicide…i just am fed up with living as I am if that makes sense. Its nice to know i am not the only person who feels this way
    Hoping and praying it gets better for me and everyone else suffering

  • kevin slater February 1, 2016, 5:57 am

    if any one cant talk after 5 pm message me on facebook @ kevin slater I need help I cant do this anymore

  • Camille February 2, 2016, 3:57 pm

    I’m a nursing student and I think I’m struggling with depression. Even before I started my program I felt this way. Everyday I get up and I just feel a sense of impending doom. I can’t really say that I’ve ever been happy, even when I was a kid. I’m 25 and I still feel the same. No one in my family understands. I’m black, so my family and people in general always tell me that’s “white people foolishness”. I used to starve my self and do other things but now I feel like nothing helps me feel better. All I do is go to school, hospital, do homework/study and cry almost everyday. I usually don’t talk about how I feel but I don’t know what else to do

    • LizzieLouThatsWho February 6, 2016, 6:08 pm

      Until you can sit down and talk it out, go to the doctor and ask for WELLBUTRIN. It stops racing thoughts. It will lift your mood and feels natural. It is non addicting.

  • Amber February 4, 2016, 9:53 pm

    I never knew there was such a thing as walking depression. Then I realized that reading this was honestly a perfect description of how I feel. I mean don’t get me wrong I am grateful for my boyfriend, family and friends. But I feel like I am stuck in a state where I feel like I am not going anywhere. I go to work, school, pay my bills, and live this fictional life pretending I am happy when I am not. I had previously self harmed but not in years. But I feel that there is this self hatred I cannot get rid of thats hanging over me. So many people are further ahead in life then myself, there are prettier girls then me, I don’t dress the best, etc. It feels like I am going back in time to when I first really started to feel depressed and I am scared of breaking down because I’m afraid of my family and friends having to deal with it again. I contemplate suicide because in the long run it seems so much easier. But I know I cant do that.

  • Ashley Wong February 5, 2016, 1:01 am

    Just want to share with you guys this site, a professional will be personally talking to you till you problem is solved..i used it and i find it very helpful and grateful to them ! http://www.mysuperuncle.com

  • Jenny February 7, 2016, 12:24 am

    I am having alll those signs of depression since past so many years. I don’t even remember when the last time I was happy. I am so much pissed off with my life but just can’t think of suicide because I have my family to look for. Heart-broken relationships, a job that I once loved, but the top levels being putting in pressure so much that I have started to believe that I am no longer fit for it. Everyday appears the same. Lost my purpose and can’t even share this to my mom because she too has seen so much bad days. Its just that I am so so tired of pretending that I am happy with my life. All I do is to pour down my feelings in my diary! Just want to take a deep sleep and never woke up again.

  • Simran February 7, 2016, 2:53 am

    This is so relatable.. i have been reading a lot about depression, but my symptoms weren’t that serious.. walking depression seems like the thing m suffering from.. my life is perfect compared to all those around me.. nd i’m still not happy.. and that makes me feel stupid nd i feel like an attention seeker everytime i talk to someone about it.. i am a 17 yr old from India.. and u can’t exactly talk abt depression freely here.. bcuz they think u r crazy.. or they laugh at u.. cuz not many ppl know much about it.. so i can’t get myself to tell anyone or seek help.. m just here trying to read stuff nd trying to figure out how to feel better.. i would just live with this.. but i have my exams, that is, 12th boards(the most imp) coming up.. nd i can’t seem to get up nd start studying.. i m too anxious.. nd the exams just add up to the stress.. i feel like crying all the time.. spending time with frnds feels like a chore.. so..basically.. anywhere i am, except alone in my room, its a lot of work.. nd its very tiring.. i don’t know what to do.. m probably just a stupid anxious teenager.. but m too stressed out to be normal.. i miss being the way i was.. now m just unproductive.. i just need to know if this is normal or if m actually suffering from depression.. nd i can’t really go visit a psychologist or anyone right now.. this article was helpful..thank you.. 🙂

  • Allison February 8, 2016, 6:18 am

    Thank you for this article…holy moly.
    Walking depression is a great way to describe it. Looking up articles to help me out with my speech about teen suicide and this was exactly what I needed…thank you.

  • aashika February 8, 2016, 10:31 am

    i m having most of the signs though my life is just fine i feel like crying all the time, i stay up all night and i don’t know what to do

  • Robyn Dean February 9, 2016, 9:13 am

    I read this and I am glad I did. I feel like I am numb to everything, things that once made me crazy in anticipation, and things i felt passionate about and love to do have gone. I feel like in any social situation I can’t get out of, (living in my boyfriends house) I am almost not even in the room, I don’t seem to have fun or feel connected to any of them. I keep staying in there but don’t say much, don’t do much. I feel like crying randomly an burst into tears. I am an adult learner in sciences and the course I am on is not great but I know I want to be a zoologist but I can’t bring myself to do the work, but still go to lessons etc. I know i want to do it more than anything in my head, but just physically cant get myself to do the work. I was really excited to start university at the beginning of the year and now nothing much really. I am starting back at my old job, which i loved at the time but have no real feeling for, even though I know I want to go back. I just feel like something is really wrong with me, as I have some of the symptoms of depression but not all of them, “and of course everyone gets some, sometimes” so I must be fine! But I am just not. I feel so alone. Although not quite as alone after reading this. Thank you.

  • Hannah February 10, 2016, 12:59 am

    I haven’t been able to cry in such a long time that I can’t remember when I last cried. This article made me cry. It made me realize what is happening to me. Thank you so much

  • LJ February 12, 2016, 12:50 pm

    I have every one of these for so long, I forgot what it feels like to be normal. but its way too hard to find doctors who care. They really don’t. I have learned to live with it and just know and look forward to the day I won’t have to be here anymore to worry about it.

  • Ronia February 14, 2016, 8:33 pm

    These all pertain to me except worse, because yes my mornings are bad and stressful, but my nights are awful because I think about how bad the next day will be. Also, no stimulant, such as coffee or an energy drink, makes a big difference.

  • Ronia February 14, 2016, 8:35 pm

    I am glad that you talk about different levels of depression. Whenever I tell my parents that I’m depressed, they don’t believe me because they think depression is only when you’re EXTREMELY depressed and to the point of suicide.

  • Ann February 16, 2016, 8:25 am

    Self doubt magnified a thousand times to a crippling tied up anxiety that immobilises me. Unable to ‘just’ get on with it. stuck for hours at times before I can force myself to move and begin whatever I might be frozen about. Sometimes days, sometimes months. Sometimes not at all. I was like this in my teens, am like this in my fifties. Had some time in the middle when It was
    less awful. ‘Beta Blockers’ were the cure then, no idea what the cure is now, as SSRi’s didn’t make it subside…

  • Anon February 16, 2016, 11:05 am

    A lot of the times I sit back and cry. Out of nowhere. I’ll be making myself a sandwich and all of a sudden I feel sad and alone which then triggers an anxiety attack. I feel scared to tell my doctors that I am happy but still really sad. I fear that my family members would just treat me like a damaged good and try to fix me. I wish I could just run far. My husband is really sweet and I acknowledge that he does a lot for me but even the slightest word or neglect will suddenly bring me misery. I’ll cry in the shower, I’ll cry in the car, under the covers, I just don’t know what to do or who to tell… I just want it to stop

  • Christine Ballo February 18, 2016, 3:11 am

    I am a visual artist, and i am depressed. I have lost my energy and desire to make art, I have the supplies, the space, the time. I have tried blaming my illnesses ( hypothyroidism and diabetes 2) and my meds…The truth is hard to accept, and depression is such a taboo issue. I have thoughts of suicide. I live with my 80 year old mother, who has to still work as a legal consultant to buy my maintenance drugs. I am the oldest child, pushing 49 this year,i live with her, and I am the biggest burden on her. Every waking day I am ashamed to be that burden, and even more knowing she loves me . unconditionally. Thank you for this site. Knowing I am not alone eases my pain.

  • Cannon Bush February 18, 2016, 6:57 am

    I know it’s dumb for me to be commenting on here because I’m a 16 year old boy, but I’m really just completely lost. About a month ago my parents told our family that they are getting a divorce. We moved out with my mom a few days later. They said they still want to be friends, but that really isn’t working out and I don’t think they know that. My grades were already dropping and now I’m pretty much at rock bottom. I’m lds and have almost complete lost my testimony of the gospel. I have no hope left. No hope that my grades will go up. No hope that I’ll successfully adjust to living in 2 different houses. I don’t want 2 houses. I don’t want 2 christmas’. I don’t want 2 xboxes. I just want 2 family. But that’s not going to happen and I just don’t feel like I can keep doing this. I hate switching from house to house. I’m constantly packing in switching houses and I hate it. I go to my dads house for a week, and then my moms house the next week.

  • Abigail williams February 18, 2016, 6:26 pm

    I’m not changing, I’m too deep now… actually I love my idc attitude, rude to everyone because, I use to be so so so sad but instead of all them horrible ideas of how to be happy… I stopped feeling… best decision ever.

  • Michael February 19, 2016, 7:43 am

    I’ve been on the fence for years as to whether or not I have this, even knowing if I did I feel like I wouldn’t seek help. In between long stretches of disappointment in myself I might feel on top of it for a handful of days and like I’m finally being myself before sinking under again. I do my best to break the cycle and force myself to be active or develop new healthier habits but it always becomes too much to keep together and it drops off slowly. I’m just kinda scared if I get reviewed for clinical depression that I’ll lose my identity to drugs or that I took an easy out because I didn’t want to work through it myself.

  • Daphne February 20, 2016, 1:48 am

    I am already 20 and I haven’t even finish College, all of my friends my age have. They have part time jobs, they have hobbies.. I kind of fell behind, I don’t talk to anyone as much anymore. My friends all grew up and I’m not a part of anything anymore. I can’t tell if I’m depressed or just overly lazy. But I don’t wanna wake up any morning anymore, I can’t go a day without thinking at some point that my life is completely wasted beyond repair and I’ve become a useless person beyond anything. I feel isolated, dumb, un-existent. I cry at least once every week, but on the worse times like this I find myself crying every night before bed, every morning I happen to wake up early, when I’m doing the dishes.. It’s crazy, getting out of hand. But I feel to embarrassed to talk about it to anyone, I think it’s just typical me over reacting. I don’t want to burden anyone but I’m also terrified.

  • Lvmehtme February 21, 2016, 3:22 am

    I don’t know how to even start trying to fix myself. Reading through this walking depression article has at least cleared up some of the confusion I’ve had about why I’ll just randomly start crying even though there’s no specific cause as to why I’m sad. However, I don’t know where to begin. I live in a house where any negative emotions is met with sarcasm and anger and I’ll be blamed for these negative feelings and told to get over them. But I don’t know how. I like to write and I love art but I don’t have any ideas whatsoever for anything. I barely make it through the day mindlessly doing whatever I’m told to do and I really don’t have anything to complain about. I have parents who are taking care of me because I can’t find a job and living at college turned out incredibly detrimental to my health. But I could never convince them that I have walking depression. They’d laugh at me like every time I told them before. I don’t know what to do. I’m already 21, turning 22 this month, but I have no way to support myself. I’m so afraid of breaking this tentative peace I’ve finally achieved after years of severe depression. But after all these years, I’m still not better. I don’t have a ttherapist, I can’t afford one, I don’t have any friends, I only have my parents. What do I do?

    • M.V.L March 23, 2016, 10:12 am

      Hi, Hope this response isn’t too late. I highly recommend you Google for a meeting in your area for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). It does *NOT* matter that your parents/caretakers are not alcoholics. Your dysfunctional family dynamic is the same and you would benefit from just sitting thru some meetings and listening to other people share. The meetings are free (optional donation) and provides an opportunity to meet others to talk to. No one will laugh at your pain, in fact you’ll find support and encouragement. Start now while you are young to find a supportive network. Good Luck.

  • Hopeless ... February 22, 2016, 8:03 pm

    I feel like I wanna commit suicide every day… I may not ever do it. But I also feel like I’m going to test myself one day when I’m having a blind rage moment. I’ve been feeling like this for so long. Like nobody understands not even my mom…my mom doesn’t know how to console me at all. Because she has tunnel vision. She only sees when her children are happy and so when we’re upset she pretty much conveys us to snap out of it. To be tough. But I’m not tough. & it doesn’t help me that she handles my depression this way. She’s had it for years. She admitted that she tried to off herself when she was my age over a guy. Luckily she didn’t succeed. That was what she told me when I was so upset about my friend James not talking to me for like 2 wks.. I don’t mean to be needy & clingy, he really just reminds me so much of my dead best friend Robert.. He committed suicide last year. Obviously I’m not over it. I haven’t felt happy in a long time. There were times where I was happy but it never lasts so I start looking for things that’ll make me happy && I found James. But I ruined what we had..because of how clingy I am he thought I had feelings for him & stopped talking to me for that period of time & now I feel that our relationship isn’t the same. Doesn’t matter he’s leaving for home(home) in a month or 2 , he misses his boy . I don’t blame him for wanting to leave because he wants to be happy. I want to be happy. I just can’t be. I cry a lot nowadays. I sleep a ton. Don’t eat much, or too too much. Suicide is a daily thought && I have no support system. Like I did when I was going to school. Now that’s gone too.. & I was devastated. Still am. I can’t stress how much help my own family doesn’t provide. I cant even talk to them & it makes me feel worse. Thats why I’m so clingy to my failing friendships. Not to mention I was sexually assaulted back during my Last semester. But I didn’t remember the actual rape because I was so blackedout drunk. But that’s what I said when my abuser had the audacity to drop me off at my place. My case went to state & my detective didnt even put any effort into it; not that I was much help. Yeah they found me on surveillance going in && out of a building off campus with the guy who picked me all the way up from on the other side of the campus. && I was in there for 15 minutes; not long, but long enough for something to have happened . But I still can’t even remember. So I dropped the case because that and, I had a shitty detective who said he was going to come to the city after Christmas to take my statement & go over some things but never called… Beginning/middle of January I left him a message telling him to not bother finally, after debating for weeks whether I should drop my case, because I didn’t have one & I hate myself for not being able to remember, & the detective for not even trying.. I’m in so much pain; Sometimes I’m so blindly, unfathomably angry at every single soul around me. I wanna die half the time. & sometimes I don’t want to, I just don’t wanna be so incredibly unhappy all the time. I’m tired of it. I have no one to talk to anymore about this. I’m just so exhausted. I don’t know why my best friend did this to himself, But I now have the strongest idea. Because he felt as if with all the pain he was going through he couldn’t bear it. The pain itself exceeded the resources that were supposed to help manage the pain. No one understood and tried to just brush it off him, & act like it’s no big deal..no one even attempts to understand & our family is always undermining our troubles. Telling us it could be worse, and to be thankful that it isn’t. Which causes us to pull away from them all. Everyone. Which then causes us to finally gain the balls to actually do it. To show people that they should have taken us seriously…

  • Noelle Hagen February 22, 2016, 11:13 pm

    I’ve noticed I get irritated really quickly and my mood changes from happy to angry and sarcastic with my boyfriend within minutes. Lately i hav been less happy with my boyfriend also because three seperate times in the past, he has emotionally hurt me and broken my trust. I told him i havnt been happy with him lately. That I wish things were bak to how they were. I have a huge stress load of school, work, finding a future job in my career as I am graduating, and a move 40 minutes away from where I’ve lived all my life. My motivation towards my future goals is hindered by my worries. Worrying causes me stress. Stress makes me not want to push on. Thus giving me thoughts of wishing could jst b gone from this world. But at the same time i dont want to kill myself at all. I jst wish i wasnt here.. And im not financially set at 22 years old. paycheck to paycheck

  • Unknown February 24, 2016, 3:07 pm

    I’m not ashamed to admit that this fits my life , but it’s just weird because I used to be so happy and for no apparent reason iv slipped into this pocket of ‘walking depression’ . It’s affected me socially and I honestly am not sure how I can deal with it.

  • aaron February 24, 2016, 6:04 pm

    I don’t believe I am depressed but after reading this it seems that it might be a possibility. Every morning i wake up I feel horrible. I average 3 hours of sleep a night. I am never happy and I always feel lethargic. The only time i feel normal is when I’m high. It gives me a bit of joy that i normally don’t have. One of these days I will realize that there is no reason to keep persisting. I can’t even get myself to do the things I love. I’m just too lazy. There is no purpose to life other than to die.

  • ROBERT February 25, 2016, 3:23 pm

    What I have just read certainly describe me, at least 70% or more. I did finish a screenplay and spent about 2 years or more doing research and writing. But to get the screenplay looked at, one has to write a synopsis, I have the format for a synopsis but don’t have the energy or interest to write it, for I never have written a synopsis and at the present time I’m really suffering from depression and anxiety and under doctors care with meds. Yet I feeling better then 2 weeks ago…but tackling the synopsis is like climbing a mountain.

  • Nobody February 25, 2016, 10:15 pm

    I feel like a failure at everything I do. People tell me I do a great job and that I’m a hard worker, but it doesn’t feel like it’s true. My strongest goal is to become a bartender at work, but everytime I ask to become one, the managers make excuses as to why I can’t be one…Shortly after that he’ll promote someone to the bar who has worked there half as long as I have. I love working there because of the people, but I’m constantly feeling like no one would miss me if I wasn’t there. Every time I think I’m finally starting to be appreciated, something happens and then I’m stuck being upset about it for quite a long time. Sometimes I’ll just be alone and just think and start crying. Right now I’m crying as I’m typing this…I don’t feel much of anything right now, but the NEED to cry and I can’t stop. I’m always feeling like something’s wrong with me emotionally and maybe that’s why I essentially NEVER have a relationship. People at work assume I’m happy or that I’m rude (when I’m having an especially bad day). At the end of the day, I starve myself before going to bed because I don’t see a point in eating. I can’t sleep well and in the morning I have a hard time staying awake without energy drinks. Even in my dreams I’m not happy…

    Sorry about rambling on, but I found this site and felt it kind of spoke to me more than any other one I’ve found. I didn’t leave my real name as I kind of hate myself right now.

    • jo March 3, 2016, 4:07 am

      To nobody, btw I really wish you didn’t call yourself nobody. You are just as special as everybody, but that’s for another day.
      I felt drawn to respond to your message because of your work issue.
      Have you considered your options around becoming a bar tender? It seems to me if this is something you really want to do you shouldn’t let temporary knock backs get in your way. If your current manager can’t see your potential as a bar tender maybe someone else will, look around for other opportunities. Also it could be an option for you to do a shift once a week for free to learn the trade in your current work place.
      Just a thought.
      You are very lucky in that you know what you want, so go for it.
      Best of luck
      Aunty Jo

  • Joanne garland February 27, 2016, 8:15 am

    Im suffering this for a long time. I live in chronic pain im a mother of two. What do I do when iv asked for help and support and don’t get it. That’s family and the medical profession. Yours desperately xxx

  • Luise February 29, 2016, 12:10 pm

    Hey there, I just wanted to say that feeling better in the evening than mornings can be due to being more tired in the evening. It is proven that sleep-deprivation can help alliviate depression short-term: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-sleep-deprivation-eases-depression/ in case you are interested 🙂

  • Sahar March 3, 2016, 10:26 am

    I hate my life. I hate being around people …why does everyone around me seem to be happy ??? why do I always feel sad … I fucking hate this country ( TUNISIA) I wanna be out of here as soon as possilbe… I want to be happy I’m so sick and tired of feeling sad all the time…I want to escape .. I tried to kill myself alot of times I wanted to get rid of myself because I don’t wanna feel this way anymore… PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!

  • E March 5, 2016, 12:33 pm

    I’m only really starting to appreciate that walking depression is the exact state I’m in, I really connected with the part of this article about why it is hard to admit it. I’m turning 18 in about 5 months, and despite being told my life is just beginning I feel like my time is running out so fast. I want to direct films and I’m quite well connected thanks to people I know, but I just feel like so much is getting in the way of this simple idea of just filming movies, and even when I finally get there I’m so worried that I will have no fun once it becomes professional and I’ll be trapped in it. I have a lot of nightmares about being trapped, I feel trapped in my education, and when I get out I don’t know what I’m going to do and my parents are so preoccupied with trying to make enough money to live, due to them working in the creative arts I’m sure some of you can appreciate the money struggles in that line of work! I’m frustrated I can’t help them more, but also annoyed that they expect me to stay and help them finish their projects, it’s not I don’t want to but I feel ready to start really forming my own identity and I feel like they are stopping me from that. Anyway I’m sure there’s more I can’t remember right now, but I just felt like writing my thoughts for some therapy. I have no idea how I will change my life in the way this author suggests, especially considering I am a student living in the UK and right now it feels as though the rest of the country just pretends we don’t exist, I have no idea how I’m going to get by. Have a nice [Insert your time of day] friend, if you got this far thanks for reading.

    • E March 5, 2016, 12:36 pm

      Just to add – I do feel really aware that compared to a lot depressed people generally and indeed many people my problems are incredibly insignificant, I feel like this is my main barrier from being severely depressed and why I am just walking instead. If anyone has any suggestions as to how they have dealt with this I would appreciate it – I mean either in the sense of realising this isn’t a barrier to accepting depression or using this reason to climb out of depression, I’m not sure which option is better, thanks.

  • Nic March 7, 2016, 10:38 am

    I’m 28 and no I have had depression for a very long time?I had quit a traumatic childhood my mum has always suffered from depression n we havent spoke since I was 14!!!! I have tried so hard not not want to be like her in any way so I’ve always just tried to get on with my life with none knowing I’m depressed,I’m the girl that’s there for every1 else i think it helps me take my mind of my own issues but the last few years it seems to be getting on top of me and worse with working,just recently changed my job to cleaning for older people but now I’m on my own constantly with this job I’m lonely and depressed again!!!!! I have two children my partner works away mon-Friday I’m trying to keep goin but I literally want to stay under my duvet n not come out,I try my hardest to keep normal so my kids don’t see mummy sad I don’t no wot to do,ive always been a fighter il have some down days then pick myself back up n then my down day it back really don’t no what to do don’t really tell my partner about it as I no he really didn’t get it!!!! Feeling like ur alone is the worst feeling especially when your fighting this on ur own i feel for all of you ?

  • Macy March 8, 2016, 10:24 am

    My husband of almost 9 years , known him for over 10 recently cheated twice.. its been 7 months since i filed for divorce, people say itll get better but it hasnt . depression got really bad in the beginning i had some negative thoughts . now months later i believe i have walking depression, i pretend to go on with my life for my children (7,5 and 3) but truth is i hurt everyday, i dont know what being genuinely joyous about something is like. i guess i fake it well because nobody knows this . just have times when i want people around and some when i just want to be left alone .. i know they say it’ll get better, just the light seems to dim

  • Sunny March 12, 2016, 3:47 am

    Hi,
    I was looking into depression to find something I might be able to do to help my girlfriend who is depressed, when i came across this article; we are in a long distance relationship since last September. All these symptoms are very much prevalent to the extent that she had been acting strong since I came to the UK for my studies. I suppose she had been holding up OK but also had been keeping a pressure that she must come to UK for studies and also be with me.

    Until a few weeks ago when started becoming sad all the time, she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, and stays in her room almost all the time. She isn’t even meeting with her family (with whom she is living). I talk to her everyday and there isn’t much to talk about, Myself being not a big talker, our conversation end shortly, besides I can’t give all my time. Nevertheless, I try to hold our conversation longer telling her my everyday activities as far as i can.

    I am very worried for her and desperately want her to be well again. But I don’t know how i can help, and being far away isn’t at all helping. Can you suggest me how i can help her?

  • Alexus March 16, 2016, 12:02 pm

    I’m struggling with depression and envy. I feel so stuck in this negative pit and I want nothing but to dig myself out. I keep blaming my relationship on my unhappiness but I really don’t know why I’m so unhappy and negative.i feel bad about so negative but I also feel like I deserve better…. what can I do?

  • Samantha March 18, 2016, 7:42 am

    I am struggling with depression and envy as well. I am a mother of a handsome 5 year old boy. His father and I split up about 4 years ago. I have always been the strong single parent taking care of everything on my own. Then, I started dating the man of my dreams about 2 years ago. We are engaged and are getting married 8/5/16. I feel like this is supposed to be the most wonderful time of my life and I should be enjoying the wedding planning and not worrying about anything else. However, I am stuck. I feel as if I have so much going on at home. Between my son, my fiancé, home, and work. Trying to juggle time for all of this if stressful to me. Not to mention we are in a financial bind which is ALWAYS on my mind. I was supposed to get my income tax last month then I found out there was an offset in which my student loan took my ENTIRE income tax. I was looking forward to that to help pay off some things and start doing fun things for the wedding. To top it off my fiancés truck broke down recently and we were struggling trying to get everybody to and from with one vehicle. We finally even with our bad credit were able to finance a new truck for him. Since he has a vehicle now he has applied for Benton, AR PD. Which I am so happy about and not worried about the move because I almost feel that this will help in some way. I am currently taking Prozac. Which has helped some but I even feel like when things are going good I am still down. Like we are getting caught up financially, we got a second vehicle and he has applied for something that will be great for us. Still sad and negative all of the time. I see everyone around me happy as ever. My friends are getting married, getting houses, and having children. I am happy for them don’t get me wrong but I wish I was where they are.. I don’t know what to do… Any suggestions?

  • Shae' March 18, 2016, 4:02 pm

    I think I am suffering from walking depression. I find my self highly irritated and feel completely overwhelmed all the time. It gets to the point when I am having very bad anxiety and paranoia. I don’t feel like I have much support cause everyone around me has the attitude as if I will be okay and get over it. However I am trying but I don’t know if I will. I am really interested in being apart of a blog that can relate to me and understand.

  • Baby March 20, 2016, 4:28 am

    My life is great. My family is rich, I have good friends, I am close with my parents and siblings. And yet I think about suicide and dying everyday. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just don’t feel like I deserved to live. I feel like I am a failure. I tried very hard to cry,but I just can’t cry and I don’t know why. I have no one to talk. I feel like everyone gonna judge me for becoming like this. I can’t enjoy anything I used to like anymore. I don’t even enjoy eating my favorite food. Now that I am studying overseas, I never went out of my room except for grocery shopping and school. And if nobody tried to talk to me through calls or messages first, I won’t try to find them. Don’t get me wrong though. I won’t commit suicide anytime soon. I just can’t think of anyway I can kill myself without traumatizing my family, friends, or even strangers.

    • Mill V. March 22, 2016, 4:20 pm

      Have you considered/looked into family and upbringing issues? Close to family / siblings but not happy… is the closeness/’get along fine’ really that good? Or is it conditioned duty? Go to YouTube and enter: John Bradshaw — On The Family. Watch the videos from episode 1. See if this registers any connection.

  • Dave March 20, 2016, 10:26 am

    I have been suffering and continue to suffer from depression, anxiety, and more. Right now I am lying in bed with a cold and cough and the heavy weight of depression on my head. I feel alone inside my head with these thoughts. They are fears of the future, the unknown. I have a beautiful wife and 2 amazing children but I struggle to find happiness for myself. It comes and goes. I know that people cannot be happy all the time and that this feeling will pass but it just keeps coming back. I feel so lost.

  • Jessica March 21, 2016, 7:15 am

    Wow! This wont sound right, but Im so happy to know other people are in the same boat as I am. This life is painful.

    After having my first and only child the depression has become unbearable. I cant even remember the last time I actually smiled and meant it. Night time is my favorite though, I get to fall asleep and be left completely alone.

  • William March 22, 2016, 11:26 am

    So Glad! That I stumbled on this site and pleased to see the posts are still current (March 2016). I had much trouble reading the words. They made me feel shaky inside and I had to get up and walk-around, then come back. Words close to home. The surge of feelings reminds me of my early meetings, 30 yrs ago, for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Then it felt like I was standing in front of a dam which had broken and the enormous flood of water (realization of what really was the problem) came crashing over me. I also felt just like Jessica posted, “I’m so happy to know other people are in the same boat.” My thoughts were “Yes, finally, finally, here are people who understand EXACTLY how I feel inside.” Not just generic self help tips, but dead on exact. “You are probably feeling this and this….” OMG! Yes I do and have for years. It’s not just me!

    And so the walking depressed also fits. And has for years. I tell myself…I’ll get around to taking care of feeling happy just as soon as I take care of….list of items. And the years go by. (I’m taking deep breaths typing this.) I think I need to move from my current location. I had the junk people come and take away my sofa and giant bed so I can move out more easily…did I mention that was 12 yrs ago?

    On the occasions I actually take action, my feelings soar. But I’m am nervous about change which will leave me worse off. Ha! Like 20 yrs of walking depression isn’t long enough? I hope I can find the bravery to take action and just do it for happiness. My happiness.

    Just wanted to share. I’ll post again in case it may help others, and thanks to others who have posted, and the entire web site.

    William in N. California.

    • Lindsay March 23, 2016, 8:39 am

      After reading some of the other comments. I do kind of feel like it is taking me a long time to do some thing. Like going on a year just to finally get rid of things after noticing I haven’t touched it or looked at it that whole time. I thought I was just a pack rat. It literally hurts me sometimes just to get rid of or think about throwing out some stuff. Someone could use it or that was my first this. I create more lists and piles.

  • Lindsay March 23, 2016, 8:29 am

    I tend to always make this list in my head of what needs to be done. My husband needs laundry, the kids need to eat, the floor needs swept, we need groceries, make this appointment here, take this person to work there, when do I have to work again. It goes on and on and never seems to end. I end up even putting things like sexual relations with my hubby and visiting relatives with the kids on the back burner because I tell myself I don’t have time for that. There is too much to do. Even when I try to do something just for me like getting my hair done at a salon for instance. My 3 months old daughter, who is exclusively breastfed, became inconsolable. Which made everyone think she was hungry. They brought her to me and she just wanted me. Fell asleep at the salon and didn’t even eat. I have to feed my baby though. Everything has become very overwhelming since we realized she was not going to accept a bottle when I went back to work. I put her first and I feel like I even put my 5 year old son to the side too much, watching him in the other room watching his tv, while I feed her or console her 75% of the time. I feel like I don’t know how or have time to make everyone have and feel loved. Then there is me over here like Screw me, I’ll live right, why isn’t anyone trying to make me happy.

  • Carla M. March 23, 2016, 10:36 am

    I appreciate this article and think that this is probably something that I’ve been dealing with for about the past ten years. I’ve basically been in survival mode for several years- not really feeling that excited about anything and kind of doing things because they have to get done. Some days, I feel like a zombie and feel pretty indifferent about everything. Nothing really gets me excited anymore and everything feels like a task that has to be completed by a certain deadline. I use to create art on a regular basis and even have a bachelor’s degree in art. Here recently, creating anything also feels like one of my many tasks. I’ve been looking to buy a home, finally, and that doesn’t even have me excited. My daughter helps keep me motivated to get out of bed every day. When she’s away, life sometimes feels pointless. Caffeine does give me that weird, optimistic feeling- I drink it every morning and evening.

  • Tiffani March 23, 2016, 2:35 pm

    Wow. I’ve searched, read, asked, sat in libraries, and this article finally made sense. I’m not technically just walking depressed lately I can’t even get out of bed. But I was. Now I am just severely depressed, still doing work from home and responsibilities at home, still trying to keep up the facade that I’m great…I’ve reached out for help lately which isn’t like me but most therapists don’t get it, neither does anyone I know. The ones I do are stuck in their own agonizing little worried bubble.
    Anyway, thank you

  • Charlie March 24, 2016, 8:44 am

    Another guy here. I struggled a lot with depression as an adolescent and during my twenties. I am now a 56 year old teacher. I have also been sober for 14 years. I have the best wife ever and my children are smart, kind and amazing people. Yet here I am dragging myself around through a heavy fog of sadness and discouragement. I am at heart a performance artist. A magician to be precise. My teaching job is really pretty good (as these things go) yet it sucks the life out of me. A person can only absorb so much bellicose teenage venom before losing one’s heart. When I get home I prepare dinner for the family and wash up the kitchen after. (My wife is a nurse and gets home later than the kids and I). I am so tired all of the time. And there is very little time to read, practice and write scripts. There is almost no time to get out of the house and perform. I feel guilty to be so depressed. I don’t want to talk about it with my wife because I am ashamed to be feeling this way. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it all seems so pointless. On top of that, this tense political season is so emotionally violent, It seems like our country has gone utterly mad. I just don’t feel like I even belong here anymore. I need some kind of fresh start. I need to find a way out of this hamster wheel of despair and have the courage to actually follow through with it. Thank you to anyone kind and patient enough to read this.

    • Mel March 25, 2016, 7:58 pm

      Hi Charlie,
      I read you post thru a few times. Is there anyone else you can share with? You mentioned sober 14 yrs, so I guess AA was somewhere in that process. Would attending a meeting for a talk afterwards help? Pity you feel you can’t share with your wife. I suspect you’re not alone in the, but v.sad all the same. What would be the most perfect way she could respond?

      ((find a way out of this hamster wheel of despair and have the courage to actually follow through with it.)) Oh yeah. “Next month, next year I’ll finally make a change.” Any chance of a weekend away on your own? That might trigger an open discussion with wife about some changes.

      • Charlie March 28, 2016, 1:14 pm

        Hi Mel, Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my post. No, no AA. I wasn’t in serious trouble with alcohol (though I did abuse it to an extent). I actually quit drinking so I could quit smoking! It worked. I’m now a non smoker. And since I was not drinking during the dropping of my tobacco habit, I just decided to keep that going too.

        As for my wife, well, she needs me to be strong. She is loving and compassionate , but she will feel insecure if I come clean on how bad I really feel some days. What would be the perfect way she could respond? Hmmm. It would be awesome if she had the same idea as you. To get away for a couple days. To recharge and contemplate my present role and responsibilities to my family and myself. To seek strategies on striking that balance.

        You may find this ironic but many performers are in truth introverts. Personally, I am of the INFP variety. When I don’t get some quiet time alone, I’m ready to gnaw off a limb to get away. I am presently working on helping my wife to understand that the need for solitude is not about escape, but rather centering, recharging and finding balance.

        Thank you Mel for your concern and kindness. Your words have helped me to focus on strategies and further conversation. I also purchased Miss Alison’s book. I am finding it helpful as well. Blessings.

  • Jlea March 24, 2016, 10:01 pm

    Make connections? Change your thoughts? Change your life? Ya I’ll get right on that. Thanks for nothin’,

  • James March 28, 2016, 3:16 am

    Since my childhood years, since I can remember developing a consciousness and an understanding in life, I have been walking around daily, moping about. I am 26 now and I am an artist myself, but the type who never finishes anything because nothing ever seems good enough. I have never been happy with anything in my life. It is a daily struggle and each day that passes feel heavier than the rest. Honestly, I have tried committing suicide twice, once OD’d and once drank two bottles of spirits and laid myself resting on the railway hoping a train would kill me, but woke up one week later in hospital. The idea of shooting myself or anything like that just sounds too harsh and I am too scared to go that extreme. Now I have reached that point again in my life of not caring or feeling anything once again. I live with my mother who is also a victim of depression and now that she lost her job it makes things more difficult. I want to quit my job so so badly because it is the reason why I feel like committing suicide… again. The problem is, financially my mother and I will suffer greatly if I quit and I cannot stand watching her go through any more pain than she is now. Money has never been in our favor and probably never will, but that is not the big problem. Happiness is. What can I do to bring light into our home of darkness just so that we can have hope for the future again? I am on the verge off quitting my job today and live as a homeless man for the rest of my life, or as another restless spirit for eternity. Should I leave what makes me unhappy or should I keep acting like a tough guy like I did all the years until I explode of anger? Seriously, I am 26 and already having to put up with chest pains. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I need help, my mother needs help. What do I do?

    Thank you so much for reading

    • Sammy T. March 28, 2016, 8:05 pm

      James,
      Can you take yourself to a suicide prevention center just to talk? I know alot is done over the phone, but most cities have walk in centers. Google suicide prevention center. Or find a place where they do recovery programs, like AA & ACA. There may not be any alcohol in your family but the dynamics of struggling for happiness are the same. Just walk in and sit and listen. Key is that you need to change something. One thing. Any thing.

  • Cheryl March 28, 2016, 8:14 pm

    As a 17 year old soon-to-be college student, I’m having trouble with my mood and identity, and often feel either crushingly responsible or emptily lazy. It’s been really interfering with my ability to work and study and the things that I’ve been telling myself are absurd, untrue, but also seemingly convincing. So what do I do if I have depression? I feel like a problem, a burden, and I don’t understand why I’m living and why I should live. I don’t want to live but I also know that I need to. It’s absurd. Unreasonable. I don’t want depression to become a part of me. Yet in my short seventeen years of life it’s recurred two times severely, and maybe it’s my affected mind speaking, but in my memory I can recall severe anxiety during my childhood too (I wasn’t consciously aware of it of course, but I was pulling out my hair so much and biting my nails to nonexistence- I had bald spots and anger issues) , so the chances of this happening again in my life, even if I recover from this episode, are high. I just feel empty. I don’t know how I will survive. A life filled with this sort of heartbreaking suffering seems pointless. Close family members who love me are telling me that I should “believe in Jesus” and follow his ways, but I’m not sure it will help. Life just seems like a lot of work and emotional pain. Help me.

  • Erik T. March 29, 2016, 6:59 pm

    I can’t really say for sure at what time my depression started. I felt this way for a long time and have pretty much forced myself to “keep living.” It’s hard as hell! I remember being on mescaline and saying something to my friend that kind of offended him. Since then, nothing’s been the same. 🙁

  • Marian March 31, 2016, 9:20 am

    I feel oddly unhappy yet empty and yet I cannot feel anything deep enough to stir my creativity. It’s like cement in a pool. Last year was my roughest year yet but I think this has been going on for years. I think I was severely depressed as a kid since I only went to school if threatened and I never listened or participated in class. It hurt so much I didn’t even want to eat. I just wanted to sleep. I came out of it after six years but I’m not really sure if I really did get out alive. I was creative during the last two years of my depression and then it exploded when I came out of it. But I can’t feel anything now, like I’m made of air and everything just passes right through me. I don’t really care about anything anymore. When I try to care, I feel very tired after. Still I smile, organize parties, and go to work. I don’t know if I should be worried or not, so I’m just gonna sit around until I feel better.

  • Janice Allen April 1, 2016, 8:36 am

    I’m a psychotherapist who until recently worked w women who were sexually abused as children. Its an art. I was suddenly hospitalized w septic pneumonia, had a heart attack, was comatose for a week and almost died from renal failure. After discharge I had chronic renal disease, lost 60% of hearing bc of meds, both my dogs died, my 90 yo mother I was caring for had all my belongings taken to the dump then passed away. I have further kidney problems but I’m so weak from the pneumonia that I need a walker. I’m afraid to leave my apt in case I fall and have most of the depressive symptoms u mention. My daughter has no interest since I left the hospital. I’ve had to leave a job I loved. I cant concentrate well enuf to see clients. The financial loss is scary. I’ve tried writing, 2 years of therapy, re-reading my books on depression and PTSD but I’m stuck. My new little rescue dog keeps me company. I had to sell my car and my 2 best friends r too far away to visit. I knit, sew and embroider. This gives me peace. I’ve started meditating again. I do wish I could talk to my daughter but she rarely texts me. Any suggestions?

  • Love April 2, 2016, 10:19 pm

    Hi, I’ve just recently realized I am suffering from depression. Life used to be great until 2012 I’ve been happy then crying happy then crying. It’s been good times but more bad then ever. I’ve never been so sad and unhappy in my life. I’m a believer of Christ and it seems when I pray things get worse. I’m 22 no medical insurance so no help. I just hope everyone can send me love pls and thank you guys :”(

  • LaNena April 3, 2016, 9:45 am

    I have been lacking sleep for about 3 months or so, i go to sleep at 12a and wake up at 4:30a but as soon as I turn off all the light i get this urge to pour out crying. Even as I am writing this, my tears are running down my eyes and i have no control ..

  • Lisa April 3, 2016, 1:20 pm

    I would like to share my experience with depression with all of you. My name is “Lisa”, and I am a 46 year old widow of three teenage daughters. My depression set in 7.5 years ago after losing my husband as well as our pets in a house fire. My life has not been the same. I feel as though I’m just here, but not really here, if that makes any sense? I think of my husband every day and miss him more and more as time goes by. I am always tired, have absolutely NO energy, and no real feelings and/ or emotions anymore. I never feel like doing anything, and I spend 99% of my time in my bedroom. I don’t like who I have become and I’m looking for some answers if anybody has some? I am on depression meds, but not really sure if they are helping. I am very quiet most of the time, which I know is not healthy for me. I do have a boyfriend who is very understanding, but at the same time, very concerned about me. He try’s to get me to talk, but it just makes me anxious. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I have just been gliding through life with no care in the world. Tired of being tired and having no energy. Thanks to all who read my post.

  • Josh Franklin April 4, 2016, 9:26 am

    I will be 28 in two months. I am a veteran, and currently work 40 hours and take 6 classes at a University. I could write a book about my childhood and how terrible it was. I grew up in a nasty single wide trailer with 2 meth head parents and no food to eat. I was always alone. Since graduating high school I’ve jumped from here to there and in 2009 I was in a car wreck with 3 of my best friends. Two of them died on the scene and the other was brain dead for about 6 months and then passed away. I walked out of the hospital after 3 days. I’ve suffered with survivals guilt ever since. I lived with one of my friends and seeing his mom when I went to church killed me. I joined the Army and volunteered for deployment less than a year after the wreck. I spent 427 days in Afghanistan and the day I get home I meet a girl at what was I guess a house party. She was amazing. We immediately connected. Making eye contact through the crazy crowds wherever we happened to run into each other at. I fell head over hills in love with this girl. She was perfect. She wanted me more than anything and did anything to make me happy. We were together from 2011 til we split up about 8 months ago. I have been through a decent amount and I will admit that I’m not the most mentally stable of people. I mean I’m not crazy or anything. But it got to a point in our relationship where I kind of lost interest. I’m 6’5 and she is 5′ and the once love I had for her grabbing on to my side and wanting to kiss me got annoying. Her family was also amazing. It was like the family I wish I always had. But the phase I went through destroyed our relationship. We broke up and she moved out. We seen each other frequently for a couple of months after that until she told me she was thinking of going on a date with someone else because she felt lonely. I hated this so I told her that I would come over more and we could go do more things. So that’s what we did. I would take her to operas that our university performs, we would go eat, have sex, etc. But eventually the texts got shorter and less personal. She began distancing herself and not talking to me and not wanting to see me. She won’t completely end it, she’ll keep me on the fence by saying she doesn’t know about the future, but it won’t work right now. I try to give her time, but I literally drive myself crazy. I have zero friends and just try to work and finish school, but I feel so alone. I feel like I screwed my chance up in life by allowing our relationship to fail because of my insecurity’s I’ve thought about suicide, going back to active duty, or sucking it up and doing what I can and just see what happens. Every day is a constant struggle from the moment my eyes open

  • Jay Cope April 5, 2016, 1:22 pm

    All of you must understand that our culture(s), the love of materialism, foolish pride, along with an obnoxiously self absorbed viewpoint from emotionally damaged individuals being pressed upon us daily… is killing us inside.

    When you finally see the truth about our existence yes absolutely it is depressing! and justifiably so.

    I’m sorry but we were taught to allow trivial, meaningless things to make us temporarily happy while the most important things (personal relationships, family, friends) are tossed aside all too easily and frequently in multiple ways these days.

    No wonder we’re depressed!

    Selfishness, envy, a lack of respect or true care for those around us, the fear of showing human emotions (even amongst those closest to us!), the obsessive need to spend our lives chasing money and materialism, the total lack of respect and appreciation for nature, chronic apathy in general.

    The list goes on and on and on as to why we are legitimately depressed.

    Each generation seems to become more and more self absorbed, emotionally disconnected, lazy, entitled and spoiled (for lack of a better term).

    We prefer facebook over face to face interactions? We prefer a computer and the internet over quality time with our loved ones? We prefer a television and a couch over healthy exercise? We prefer pornography over sincere intimacy with our mates? We prefer a dyed and preservative filled ‘semi-food’ over healthy fruits and vegetables?

    Gosh! I wonder why we’re so depressed?

    Add a truly horrible diet and dehydration of varying degrees to the list above and yes dying seems better than living. No surprise there!

    Wake up people. We are creating this. Inner peace takes work especially while being subject to the ridiculous scenarios listed above every single day of our lives.

    How can we change it? Just get up if you’re able and do something about it asap! As they say the journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.

    Without other human beings we have … nothing. We keep pushing away from our fellow human beings and this is only going to get worse. Faking it to make it does not cut it.

  • km1201 April 6, 2016, 5:39 pm

    I thank everyone out there for commenting , and showing me that there are so many out there that are willing to share. It helps to hear others in different stages of life. I know there is hope.

  • Frank April 7, 2016, 8:58 pm

    Hi! Everyone! Searching for ” i dont want to be depressed anymore” i found the walking depressed, and i couldn’t identify myself more. I place responsibility before any of my needs. It is simply exhausting to consciously ask yourself day in and day out how are you? Keeping the defense allways up in order to prevent falling. When i feel free i get nervous, suddenly wanting to do something in order to create positive memory that coul maybe trigger a better decision or thought in the future. It took me 38 years to built a career, and star a family life, and maybe i expected the results of that hard work to automatically bring me happines. I guess that in my next 38 years ill learn how to live. In the mean time, i thank the expirience because i do know my self. I help others whith hope of getting the compassion that i might need at any given moment. And most important i know that this is not permanent, it came into my life some time ago and i know one day it will leave.

  • Tina April 8, 2016, 10:58 am

    I can’t remember a time when I woke up, looking forward to a new day. Not even as a child. It’s always been as though my very soul was born unto me after serving a 72 hour shift at a greasy all night diner. It’s heard too much. Seen too much. All that noise of clattering dishes and clanging silverware. And the nastiness of everything behind closed doors that the patrons don’t see. That’s what it’s like.

    Approximately 15 years ago I was diagnosed as a “Rapid Cycle Bi-Polar”, and, under the watchful care of my doctor/therapist, have taken several different medications since then. I’ve never missed a day. So why then, have I never felt…. whole? Like a normal person? Why don’t I have “real” emotions? Why do I feel as though I’m watching my life through a window, waiting for something to “happen”? I’m so desperate to truly feel! To know what my purpose is! I just float aimlessly from one meaningless day to the next.

    I love my husband, my kids and my grandkids. We’re all well. We have nice homes, nice “things”. We are truly blessed. Sooo…. why do I feel like this? I feel so selfish, and yet…. I just want to feel like everyone else.

  • Jacob April 9, 2016, 8:21 pm

    So apparently I have depression. Wow. I’m just gonna say right now that although I’d say most of if not all the things you listed apply to me, I doubt that I have depression, or even this little “walking depression”. It’s possible, but once again, I highly doubt it.

    • Jacob April 9, 2016, 8:25 pm

      Yeah… I sounded really doubtful even though those things kind of applied to me. Still, I could have been wrong when I said they applied to me, and even then, I don’t see how it relates to depression.

      • Jacob April 9, 2016, 8:26 pm

        how do you delete comments

  • Karen April 11, 2016, 11:07 am

    Cannot believe reading all the signs it’s me how I feel – I was always classed as the strong one but I have just crumbled I feel ashamed of myself everyday I just want to end I want to be who I was I struggle to be happy – everyday I say come on come on …. but it doesn’t happen anymore – i feel trapped in my own self – imprisoned – it’s awful I would love to be free again from pain, anger i was always creative and imaginative – Polly Anna i would always see life for living taking in every single bird tree life itself now I can’t stand it i

  • Jane April 12, 2016, 2:12 pm

    I know I’m unhappy and that’s how I found this article. I Googled “steps to help with unhappiness”. I do not feel depressed, I can get out of bed and get along with my day but, I have a very hard time not crying thru out the day and am very irritable with people for no reason sometimes. I have every sign of walking depression. I just got engaged and should be very happy but I feel like my fiance doesn’t even care about me anymore and is tired of me being so negative. I need help. I need to change my life but I’m stuck. The past few years of my life have been very hard. My mother is addicted to pills, got in an accident, and is now a quadriplegic. My father works 3 jobs just to take care of her and their home, he’s had back surgeries and shoulder surgeries because his body is broken and he waits until the last minute to take care of anything because he has so much on his plate, I have lost 5 friends to addiction, I lost my horse after 20 years. She was my confidence builder, my companion, and the only hobby I have. My sister just had a stillborn this week. I have been living with my fiances parents for the past 2 years waiting for our home to be finished. My job is the worst job I’ve ever had. I make horrible pay, i went to school for 4 years and worked full time my whole life and still dont make crap for money. My paycheck keeps getting messed with and people are very rude to me because they hate it there as much as I do.
    It’s a very depressing environment.
    I know I have great things in my life. I know I have a wonderful fiance, great in laws, a hard working loving father, an amazing brother, and my health, and I do get to build a new home. Not on my salary because I make crap for money but my fiances which makes me feel worse, but I’m just lost. I don’t know how to see these good things and realize they have to outweigh the bad. I don’t know how to make myself happy. I know I need a new job but then what?? I moved 6 hrs from my home town to a small town with not many options. My last 2 jobs I have been taken advantage of and I don’t even know what will happen taking another job. I need help.

  • Clinton April 12, 2016, 5:35 pm

    I have had my breaking down point today, I do for others more than I would do for myself, I am miserable feeling all the time but I push forth to get my bills paid, I cry atleast 3 or more times a week and I just don’t know how to pick my head up, I can’t even have a normal actual happy smile, it’s just a fake one so nobody knows I am miserable an hurting on the inside, how can I be happy? How can I enjoy life again? How can I be the happy me I want to be I need help?

  • Abby April 13, 2016, 9:44 pm

    The reasons as to why it is so hard to accept that you have depression really resonated with me. Thankyou for this post 🙂 i really appreciate it

  • Adriana April 14, 2016, 9:01 am

    I feel like I just exist. My body is so tired and mentally not even my passions like painting, arts and crafts and going out with my friends are able to fulfill the emptyness I feel. When I am with my best friends I am able to joke around and talk about everything and I think to myself “This is happiness, you should feel extremely happy” but as the conversations go on and on I feel somewhat disconected and I had never experienced this before. I have always been the funny, creative, free spirited but still with very good grades of the group and even now some of my friends tell me they would like to be more like me but I dont see why. My parents have always had problems but they have been able to solve them everytime and be the most selfless and caring people I know. I go to a private school were most of the kids dont have to worry about affording college or even work because their families have their back. I in the other hand have ALWAYS known that I lack that benefit. No one really knows that because my parents have made an awesome job giving me everthing I need and much, much more. Know that college is getting closer I am even more confused that when i was in 5th grade. My friends parents have even pointed out how easy it will be for me to get a scholarship but I just dont seem to feel good enough. I still am in the best 10% of my prom (110 people) but I feel I lack talent and drive. This has been a recent change as i got my diagnosis of diabetes and not a good flow of oxygen to my brain. I broke up with the most amazing guy that I have ever met, he genuinly cared for me like my family and he was actually the first partner to make me feel comftable with my body. Even before my problem he was concerned about my eating habits as I have always considered myself fat and had wierd eating habits. He prepared me lunch and suscribed me to healthy food recepy pages. He was my bestfriend and I was his first girlfriend what made everyhting incredibly special. Two of my friends know partly what happened to me last summer what inlcuded the diagnosis and other family related issues. My parents actually forced me to leave the country to get treatement and aliviate the stress of the demanding school were I am now. I got cold feet some days before I went off and nobody really knows that. My life seems so complicated now and my future unclear. I always had the dream of becoming an interior designer eventhough my parents always wanted me to be a lawyer beacause “im intelligent enough to get a good career”, either way now i am terrified of thinking about choosing a major, I think about what if i choose wrong and I regret it halfway? I dont want a financially restricted life like my parents. Although I see the struggles they have had to go through to afford my education and luxuries I dont want my kids to feel as guilty as I do when asking for money to got to the mall or buy clothes. I feel like Im not entirely myself and I wished I was the younger , when my oportunities looked better and when I got to my house to do homework systematically and even had time to procrastinate. With my igcse’s literally in a couple of days I feel less motivated AS EVER to study I get this thoughts of “why does it matter” “what will this help me in real life” and although I also questioned this before It never froze me to the point were I want to just stay asleep forever and imagine real life is take cared of. Im 16 and I now this might sound like typical teenage drama but my friends just seem so different even with lower grades and problems they are able to have sincere smiles in their faces and do sports and extra curriculars passionately. I am “talented” in art, history, spanish literature, maths but I still feel like the most useless person in the world. People see me as extrovert but I feel so shy and odd in social gatherings. I have comed to question everuthing that made me who I was, I dont even think ill take art next year beacuse of all the brainwashing of “artists starve to death” what makes me cry at night beacuse I just feel so torn. I soemtimes remember how great was to hold my boyfriends hand in movies and I cringe because I pushed him away and he didnt deserve it. I want adventure and something that sweeps me up my feet, I cant stop fantasizing about travelling to more places, using more my french, getting married having kids but there is just so many plotholes in my dreams that I doubt I ever get anywhere. I told my mom I was sad but I now she didnt want to think it was depression beacuse of the fear it might imply I would try to harm myself. I have endless resources surrounding me, my school provides phycologists, learning support, thousands of teams and classes, libraries and online gadgets but I still feel I cant do more that what im doing now (which is just getting by) because I’ll just make a fool out of myself. I wish I was more confident and worked harder to be even better but I dont seem to be motivated to do anything lately. I lay in bed watching youtube videos and I dont now what I am trying to achieve. I now many people have it wayyyyyyyy worse than me so I havent really wanted to voice my sadness as an issue but I just needed to tell my expirience in the hopes someone else is feeling the same and is afraid of admitting they need help. There is just something about dealing with deep issues online rather than in person that I think make you willing to be more open and honest. Could my emptyness be depression? I would like to know.

  • Human Being April 18, 2016, 3:53 pm

    “You feel like it would be insulting to those who are much worse off than you. You may feel like you have no real reason to be depressed.”
    This really gets me. I related to the post as a whole but this quote is a biggie in the bunch. I remember being surprised when I was diagnosed as severe because others have it worse. I don’t think I can change. I’ve been this way my entire life but I don’t want to take medication.

  • A Person with Walking Depression April 20, 2016, 8:05 pm

    I can see EXACTLY myself in this post!!
    I’ve never ever heard of walking depression but this post sums up mt LIFE. Not being able to have fun and enjoy hobbies, not feeling like you’re depressed and not being able to enjoy mornings and anytime other than night— It’s all ME.
    I have been feeling like this as long as I can remember but I never thought I have depression 🙁 I thought it’s just some loneliness or being stressed or problems in my life. When I used to go to school I ALWAYS ended up sleeping less than 4 hours each night for last 5 years of my school and the reason was because I was so afraid to try to sleep cuz I knew so many thoughts would come and haunt me to death so I always watched series till 4 or 5 am until my eyes were red and I just fell asleep like that -_- ,, even now that I’ve finished school I still have this problem, I can’t sleep, I can’t have fun, I can’t make connections with other people with the fear of them finding out who I am inside 🙁 I wake up every morning… put a fake smile on my sad face and unhappy soul…..go out…..pretend to be happy joyful humorous and friendly…….come back home….. take a nap … wake up…. look at my photos with the FAKE smile on EVERY one of them throughout all these years….. cry myself to death while looking at them……… get tired and try to sleep but fear the thoughts and cry out of being exhausted and not being able to sleep….. feel awful…. sighs….sighs….more sighs…..fall asleep with wet eyes and pillow …….. continue this cycle forever……. ………… …………………… ……………………….

  • Patty April 21, 2016, 11:19 pm

    I am almost 60 years old. My mom doesn’t like me and my brother and sister never talk to me. I have one brother who talks to me and tells me he loves me.
    His wife was my dearest friend i called her sister and then she died at 52years old. And I am so sad and noone cares. I don’t have anyone now to talk to or to call if i had something to say or do. My husband told me 12 years ago he didn’t love me But I have felt sad my entire life. I have an advanced degree and a high IQ. I worked 40 years in a high paying profession and have retirement. Still I am under the control of a husband who does not want to know me or like me. I do have a son and a daughter who are the bomb. And they married extrodinary people and I love them all. And then theres my L…. she is the light of my life. After all this everynight i cry myself to sleep and have trouble getting up I want to enjoy life and retirement instead I feel very heavy hearted and sad and worse than all this I have asthma (new to Me) my husband says I don’t cough right and he doesnt like to hear it. I am just sad sad sad

  • Rica April 22, 2016, 7:28 am

    I felt relieved while reading this article. it really explains me a lot.
    To the almost last part of the story says ” I found the path out of depression by following my desires—to write, to travel, to become a mother and a creativity coach. Eventually I left ordinary life behind. ‘ What came to my mind is myabe it would also be my cure. but whwnever i thought of it. i thought would i be really happy?
    I always feel like i dont belong. its like i am meant for somewhere i dont know.
    Just recently i get irritated without any reasons and i always feel tired. always imagining. i feel theres something missing in me. 🙁 i waana cry 🙁

  • Alexis April 22, 2016, 7:40 pm

    My boyfriends ex girlfriend has been hating me from the beginning of the school year and now it’s getting so bad to where my mom wants to press charges. My boyfriend is receiving hate messages about me directed towards me and it’s really hurting me. I made mistakes and I instigated some things but I regret them. I told the principle at school that I did that stuff I regret it. But before I went to the principle ( because me and that girl almost fought today ) the counsellor told me to grow up and be a big girl. I’m trying but why should I try if she isn’t. She is saying so much bad stuff and I’ve sturggled with depression and every time I walk in he halls everyone looks at me and starts murmuring that I’m ugly I’m a whore and everything. They are saying the teachers don’t believe me but God does right? He knows the truth. Anyways it’s depressing me and taking a toll on me where I broke down in the hall ways. I don’t know what to do

  • maureen April 23, 2016, 5:49 am

    This is me. Putting up a normal facade every day. Is it possible for this to start before the age of 10? My mom was in and out of the hospital. Dad was always either at work or spent days on the couch. My sister wouldn’t take her insulin. When I was 10 Mom died, sister ran away from home. Dad lost his job then the house. My cerebral palsy made me an out cast at school.(I had a classmate say she couldn’t play with me because I might fall down.)No one would help. A lot of those symptoms I recognize even before high school. The bitterness towards those who seem happy is new though. Now sister is in nursing home with all of the complications of uncared for diabetes. There isn’t anyone else to help with her stuff.

  • hopelessly-broken April 23, 2016, 7:26 pm

    I suffered a horrible break up a few years ago and even though im over that situation my life has never been the same. Im genuinely, hopelessly unhappy in my own skin. Im not suicidal but if i could just lay in bed every day.. all day, i would. Nothing works to distract me frm my misery. School makes me sad but it sort of helps. Work makes it worst. I find myself crying almost every night just crying out to God for help, just to please take away this aching feeling. How to get past this feeling? How to get over it? What do I do? I dont kno if i can take this much longer.

  • Rudy M April 24, 2016, 7:54 am

    I’m 44 years old. I live an alternative lifestyle. In the last 2 1/2 years I don’t know how I got to the spot I’m in. I feel the loneliest ever, and extremely unhappy. I’m like the walking dead. I know I’m alive, but inside I’m dead. I pretend each day I’m ok, but inside I wake up crying and go to bed crying. I want to break free, but I don’t know how. I used to be such a fun person. I used to be the center of attention at parties. I had the charisma. I know it’s still there because every now-and-again the charisma comes out and gives me a small glimmer of hope that I still exist. That deep down inside I’m not dead, but those instances are rare. My Dad died this past October, my partner of 12 years decide I was not the person for him….. My family who once was strong seems lost without our father so now my support system is weaker than ever not to mention that two very important people in my life disappeared, literally over night. Not sure who I am, where I’m going or if I even want to continue. I don’t think I matter to anyone or if anyone really cares.

    • Joseph T April 25, 2016, 11:09 am

      I’m extremely sorry for all that has happened but hey you matter and always will matter. One thing I learned from a young age is that to allow yourself to matter to other people you have to matter to yourself first. Think about that. You are an amazing strong independent person. Forever strong!!!

  • Sruthy April 24, 2016, 1:54 pm

    I’m currently in my second year of an MPhys degree, after spending both years of it being clinically depressed with high anxiety (and not knowing about it until a couple months ago), I’ve now hit the great wall and have no idea what I really want.

    Growing up I had plenty of small and big dreams, one outlasted all others and that was my dream to be a famous fashion designer. I had other interests too; composing music, singing, art and just creating things in general really. I was a more creative person than analytical. But overbearing and conservative Asian parents meant having a creative career was not an option. I forced myself into science, convinced myself it was what I wanted and of course now I’m not so sure.

    After my two years at uni, I feel like I’ve been drained of all my energy and motivation. I can’t focus on uni work at all, I can’t write music, can’t play guitar like I used to or draw or anything I used to find happiness in. I have no idea what I want to do, and don’t even know how to start dreaming again. To be honest, one thing I want more than anything is just to be happy whatever I do.

    I may well be asking for a miracle, but I’ll take whatever else you got. And don’t worry if thats nothing. 🙂

    • MV. April 25, 2016, 6:35 pm

      You said you play the guitar…not as well as you hoped.
      Just for one starter, could you ask at a local coffee shop to play (background) one evening? Suggest 30-40 mins. You may well get some nice feedback and I always find that is a good upper.

  • Joseph T April 25, 2016, 11:04 am

    I know that changing your mindset and thoughts seems incredibly difficult to do however, positivity and pushing yourself to always think in better ways is going to be your best medicine because it truly was mine. Don’t ever doubt your ability to be happy because we all deserve to be happy. Every single one us going through hard battles with depression. Be positive, learn to laugh at yourself and our mental health problems since it can all be beat and will be beat. Never forget that. It will be beat. Maybe not this very second or the next few days but one time in your life I guarantee you will wake up and truly have the feeling that you have either learned how to deal with everything depression can throw at you or if your one of the lucky one, you can say it no longer tells me what to do.

    Depression does not mean you are weak… It means you have been strong for way to long.

    Love who are and embrace your depression because once you are at peace that this is a part of your life, you will become well equipped to find your and i repeat YOUR, because everyone has different solutions, best solutions to beat your depression.

    Your mean the world to everyone. We are a community of love and help and by just seeing all these touching comments, it gives me so much motivation and hope that I can beat my depression.

    YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND BEAUTIFUL!!!

  • Chase April 26, 2016, 8:09 am

    I am only 21. I’ve never experienced depression in my whole life until about a year an a half ago. I struggle to find happiness that use to just flow through me so strongly, and others would pick up on that and they loved to be around me. I was the person that everyone wanted to be friends with. I have had it so easy in my life. But one day i woke up and realized i wasn’t myself anymore. I had grown angry, extremely self hating, add most importantly just drained of will. I let go of friends, girlfriends, and even family. I had no idea what was happening to me. I became somewhat a mute unless spoken directly to and even then i found the shortest answer i could come up with. I started self abuse with rubber bands, i still had a conscious understanding that cutting would lead to questions that i didn’t know the answers to. The slight pain from the snaps would give me just enough of a reminder that i am still here and i have to keep going. I have been just so tired of pretending that I’m okay. Everyday i wish i could scream for help. But i just don’t have the will to ask for it. Id say its my pride but I’m sure that is just about gone too. My life has taken a 180 in less then 2 years. I struggle to even talk to girls anymore, my self image is dwindling and the fear of being turned down would diminish everything that i have left. I don’t know if i have ‘walking depression’ or if its less or more then that. my sleep is an weird part of my life… i love sleep. I fall asleep very fast but only sleep 5 or 6 hours sometimes less. That seems to be the safe zone. Anymore sleep then that i feel terrible when i wake up, great that i was away from the real world for so long but guilty as hell because i know its not helping me. If there is anyone who feels like this, or had a similar situation… please help me… i never asked for help, or even someone that knows my struggling. Im from northeast ohio. Message me if you need to talk. Maybe someone with similar situations to mine would be easier to talk to about my… symptoms?
    A suffering friend
    Chasenovo@gmail.com

  • Nat April 27, 2016, 4:47 pm

    I can’t focus at school and I usually have to leave the classroom because I keep crying. And I can’t stop it because I don’t know why I’m crying. My grades are dropping too. I just don’t want to be at school anymore. I don’t understand why this is happening to me now. I’ve been at school for 12 years. Why now?

  • Sue April 30, 2016, 10:34 am

    I am sad most of the time, I never really thought I was depressed, just unhappy. I have a successful marriage 44 years, 3 accomplished children with happy marriages and 7 talented g- children. Sometimes I want to run far away, and never come back. I bend over backwards to please my family, while they don’t give me a second thought, I guess I have a great deal of pent up resentment, I don’t know, I’m a mess, I give up, today I want to go back to bed and never get up.

  • Brennan Swanson April 30, 2016, 2:21 pm

    I don’t even know why I read these articles. They honestly just make me feel even worse.

  • Blake April 30, 2016, 8:29 pm

    Idk why but that video in response to people’s comments made me cry like a baby. You are very sweet thank you for being you.

  • ashraf ayman May 2, 2016, 12:36 pm

    Sadly iam experiencing what you are talking about but there is nothing I can do my whole family is mean to me all the time they always yell at me for things I haven’t. Even done iam 15 years old and iam feeling that way I know what you will say u go out make friends. And have fun with your life but I cant because my dad,s first response will be ‘can’t. You see that money is too less but eventually. He is always like that he doesnt. Let me enjoy my social life

  • Annonymous May 2, 2016, 3:31 pm

    I’m gonna share my story. I think I might have this. So multiple months ago, I was playing an online game with friends, something happened in the game, and everyone blamed me. And people started yelling at me, so I left the skype call. I came back, and they blocked me from playing with them. And they were all mad at me. Come on, it’s just a game. I left for a few weeks, I came back. And I saw people fighting, they decided to blame me. For frick’s sake I wasn’t there. Now everyone starts to hate me. I say, “I’m gonna stop playing with you guys for 3 months. I’m gonna let everyone cool down.” The next morning, I find that they have permanently blocked me from the game. I’m not gonna lie, I started getting really angry. People started apologizing to me, but one person held a strong grudge, and started ignoring me. I apologized to him, but he refused to do it to me. Eventually he did, but it started becoming awkward between us. The awkwardness started leading to anger. We ended up kind of splitting in to two teams. One team: The person who keeps holding grudges. Another Team: me.
    Most people decided to go to his team, well we’ll call him Josh. (That’s not his actual name.) So Josh, started spreading lies and rumors about me. Most people believed him. I only had about 2 people on my side.
    Everyone started fighting and I was stuck in the middle. People were fighting. I stopped playing with these people for a while. I left the skype group for a few weeks. I came back, I find that they all had blamed me for more fighting. For pete’s sake, I wasn’t there! People ended up becoming enemies, and most people hated me. I started getting really sad. But over the months, I realized, the sadness isn’t going away. Picture our group of friends as a town, and the fights as small earthquakes. There were small earthquakes going on around the entire city. Now, there was a gigantic earthquake, that destroyed most of the city. We realized, we weren’t going to be friends for much long. So there were aftershocks going around the city. (Lots of small fights going on after the large one.) I ended up blocking most people from there. But they kept spamming me on social media. No matter how many times I blocked them, they made new accounts. My parents ended up seeing this and started taking their side and believing the lies the spread. I started getting really sad. At this point, I realized, I might have depression. I started getting suicidal thoughts. I didn’t like this at all, but my ex-friends wouldn’t let it go. They eventually stopped. Lets fast foward to today. So today, I joined a skype call with all my ex-friends. Now, my parents started becoming very hard on me and got angry at me for the simplest things. I told them how bad my life has been going and they listened for once. But this is what my ex-friend said: “-smack- Alright who put the depression juice in the punch… Ain’t no Advil gonna fix this.” This really got to me. But some of my friends are still friends with my enemies. This really bothers me. I am showing all signs of this, but I can’t tell my parents about this because, this is so severe. Our entire family may fall apart if I tell them. Thanks for reading my story.

  • Graham Morelli May 4, 2016, 4:20 am

    Hello there. This is quite a find. To discover I am not on my own. The messages about the night time apply to me too. Getting to sleep is not so bad but then awake a few hours later in the dark is awful. Only thing is to get up, dressed and begin work. Inevitably when dawn arrives I feel comforted and quite often go back to bed exhausted and sleep for a couple of hours. Spent over 35 years in a loveless marriage which started off like a romantic film script. It was and remains the most wonderful three months of my life. It didn’t last past the first night really. Despite that 2 wonderful boys came along and they remain my delight. However 90% of the marriage has for me been celibate. Close friends said to get out but I am not a quitter and would not bring shame on my family name and its long history. So I kept at it, we even moved countries. Obviously it didn’t change anything and now I’m 12,000 miles from where I would like to be. Now the boys are married with their own families I can see a similar pattern unfolding for them. Close friends tell me it’s time to think of myself. Unfortunately due to the fact all my income went into the family, home and now defunct business I did not have the luxury of saving anything. The result is constant worry about what little future is left. I did go away last year as a trial. Despite the feeling of ‘guilt’ the three months I spent on my own were wonderful. I felt free and motivated so am just about to do it again, but with no money it’s not going to be easy and I cannot ‘sponge’ on friends who have stood by me over the years. My work as a composer suffers from lack of motivation, creativity and just the basic energy. Self belief also goes out of the window despite my having written successfully for large orchestras. I suppose the one thing I yearn for the most is to physically touch and be touched by another person. Basic comforts which have eluded me for longer than I care to remember. I very much appreciate the opportunity to open up like this. Incidentally, I am male.

  • Sad Teen May 4, 2016, 4:12 pm

    I don’t know if I have this or if I am depressed at all but it seems like it to me. I am perfectly happy at school all though I sometimes wish one of my friends knew I was having sadness because I kinda hide behind a mask of happiness. When I get home from sports practice or school I often cry and feel like my life is nothing and I shouldn’t be here. I am very moody and mope around a lot. I want to ask my mom for a therapist but don’t know if I should.

  • kitttyfoil May 5, 2016, 10:55 am

    Reading this for the first time was astonishing for me. I couldn’t ever imagine that what i have been feeling for so long has a name. I have contemplated some sort of therapy. I once went to my GP and broke down in tears, his answer for my behavior was a 3 month sick note (Yipee) and you reap what you sow (i felt grief at this comment). These feeling have gone on for so long now and i know there is a reason. When my first grandchild was born i was ecstatic, so very very pleased and so so happy i felt such love from the moment i saw him. I now realise my full gung ho approach was not what his mother was used to being from a more not show too many feeling family. Me in my new grandma zone showed my feelings and know where i went wrong and have reflected so many times in my head how i should have been. When he was two he had an accident in my care (not me my husband) but i felt so guilty that it happened on my watch i felt i needed to be punished. Fast forward 8 years down the line and we are still being punished. Not being able to be proper grandparents and only being able to see him when my son is with him has had a hugh impact with me. My husband has put it into a box and will not let it affect him and spoil his life. If the worst came to the worst he said he would be ok not seeing his son or his grandson if that’s what they wanted. Me on the other hand have fought to spend time with him. Not being able to take him out, walk down a road or to the park on my own with him has taken its toll. He is nearly ten now but things have not changed one bit. He can only visit with his dad and we are not allowed out of the street with him. The accident should not have happened, he was ok and no damage was done but it should not have happened. My relationship with my husband has suffered too. I try not to blame him but those thoughts pop up frequently,. if it had not happened things would have been so different. I have given up waiting for things to change and know i will never pick him up from school, have a day out with him or have a sleepover or even for tea. Its on my mind day in day out and i know i still see him but wonder if access had been denied full stop i would feel better by now, As it is the last 8 years have been a low subdued life. I think its more about power than safety now. I was once seen at the end of the road with him, we went to post a letter, and all hell was let lose. My son tried to put his foot down in the beginning but seems to have joined them now.

  • Petrovich May 5, 2016, 1:40 pm

    This can be a thought I’ve been contemplating for some time.

    The standard to see despair as “something amiss”, or perhaps a “brain chemical difference” or as “an illness” or something which “must be set” or demands “medicine” or “treatment” seems to be the most typical reaction of virtually everybody.

    From physicians, to psychiatrists towards the frustrated people themselves, towards the basic populace… The perception that is common seems to be that “the individual must get support”.

    But imagine if… The residing in condition that is depressed is appropriate? Imagine if it’snot an “discrepancy” or is not anything “incorrect”? Imagine if being frustrated may be the only normal condition to stay for an , thoughtful, knowledgeable that is empathetic, considering person to occur in our world’s current state?

    Imagine if NOT TO be frustrated about may be psychological sickness’ accurate indicator?

    I am not stating that being frustrated is enjoyable by any means… Many people with this community could be well-aware that it hurts. But that’s not what I am saying.

    The reason is… Might current of despair in a situation not be totally flat for somebody residing in a location where a lot of issues are clearly horrible… both on the private stage as well as in the planet in general?

    Our good reasons for this viewpoint are numerous. Too many to create in mere 2500 words. But fundamentally…

    Real life is definitely an excessively dismal location for almost any person who cares at-all about something beyond themselves.

    Eg. Should you worry about creatures… The stark reality is several stunning variety happen to be lost permanently, many more are not therefore open to the brink of termination that even when everybody global chose to do everything they might to conserve them… They’d be dropped. Athome you will find people who however purchase people creatures as holiday presents, WOn’t desex the lots of of pets pay in pounds, their animals. There’s your dog industry utilizing live trap, yard pet cruelty, capturing racehorses womenis hormonal remedies for menapause, with thighs, the beef business, chickens choking on our half of a globe away, overfishing. The number goes on and on.

    It’s truth which is dismal. Worry about sensation and pets “frustrated” about this IS appropriate. And that’s one small topic in an array of topics.

    3 million people the water, in hungry poverty etc etc, wars fans, corrupt governments rights violations wars, kid rape

    It is the people who are not frustrated me fear.

  • Whitney May 7, 2016, 9:03 am

    Today I said the very words ..do you ever feel like you were dropped off here,on earth, and you’re waiting for someone to take you home ? I’ve felt like this since I was a young girl. And sometimes it’s so acute it’s disabling. I was searching today the words “if you feel like you’ve been abandoned on earth and want to go home is it depression”. I actually did, and found this site. I see why people medicate. I don’t know if it’s the answer for me right now. I’ll try anything I guess now. I have always thought my emotions and feelings too broad and too big, too much….I even had a close friend say to me “your emotions are too big for me ” that statment from a rare person I chose to confide in, broke my heart. Yeah maybe medicating myself until my emotions are small enough those around me can handle me and I stop suffering. I don’t know another way anymore

  • Samantha May 7, 2016, 2:06 pm

    I used to put myself first, and i used to be happy. Then a series of decisions (that I thought would make me happy, because ive made the same choices before) in a short space of time changed my life – getting a new tattoo, a new kitten and changing my hair. I didn’t bond with the cat and I hate my new appearance and I have been miserable for weeks now. I’m contemplating getting rid of the cat and the tattoo already! The hair I can at least change back. I miss my old self

  • Mike May 10, 2016, 9:53 am

    I only coincidentally found this as an artist but it’s scary how hard I have been trying to buckle down with being miserable. Viewing my son’s ideal childhood as more valuable than my own health because I don’t know how to deal with some relationship issues. I want to believe I can selflessly bring him up in a happy household but Im realizing how silly the act would be. I always pace myself and was hoping I could maintain through this grinder but I know it’s desperately unrealistic. I was at the far end of the spectrum with my activity levels before a work accident …and while I feel capable in adjusting to some lifestyle changes of my own, it’s hard for me to get over this new environment. While my desire to overachieve may get me close enough to feeling okay (alone) through some different artistic outlets, I’m making my way through the trenches only to feel bad about the dead weight I used to be able to keep with me. Its easier to deal with someone seeming a bit lazy when you can go out everyday and get your hands dirty on some ironwork. I can sacrifice some of my own aspirations but then theres that shaming thing I want to do when I envy how someone can choose the type of self limitations I feel i was given and had no choice in. In a nutshell, I may feel insecure about looking like a workmans comp leech, and can’t rationalize how much worse I feel saying my future wife is ALSO a stay at home parent. It’s these social settings that kill me when I discuss my recovery processes and then we have to fall back on the good old parent routine topics and our oh so adorable kid. There’s all types of judgements I keep to myself but I’m worried about my family, more so my son. I feel like I’m alone in thinking about a future. All alone with my goals even if I have to crawl. I don’t try to motivate my partner because I feel that people only grow or learn when they want to anyway. I refuse to be the guy always pushing someone else but I have seen the same goals from them going nowhere for years. So I’m stuck for now, forget what my friends are up to. This rant fueled me up, at least for today. I hope I find this article again later, it was helpful. Thanks.

  • matt May 10, 2016, 1:19 pm

    Yep. All of it.

  • Anne May 11, 2016, 1:14 am

    Walking Depression is a beautiful term for dysthymia. I’m a writer and have had it since I was a child — over 30 years now — with a few major depressive episodes. It’s genetic in my case (many close relatives had it) and, for me, it never goes away. Not ever.
    I’ve been to all types of therapists, been on many medications, tried everything except electro-therapy. Each helped to some degree. None helped completely. So I’ve just learned small ways to live with it.
    Fighting it makes it worse. I’ve found that accepting how I feel, sitting with my negative/lonely/hopeless feelings and “inviting them to tea” — makes it all tolerable and they fade into the background a bit.
    I’d say the hardest part are the times when I’m struggling and I still have to be a parent to my young children. I try so hard to not let my feelings affect my parenting, but I’ve heartily failed at that.
    Today, while at work, I thought about the years when I was “happy” and how the common denominator was that I had goal to pursue. Then I realized I currently have no goal. I’m just working, eating, cleaning, sleeping, repeating. I have nothing else to focus on except how miserable I feel. And that’s not good, because whatever you focus on grows. So I must parent myself and find something positive to do — something to engage my mind and talents — and that positivity will grow. My plan: Acknowledge my negative feelings and emotions then set them aside…and get on with it.

  • reeta May 11, 2016, 6:26 am

    I am single working lady staying away from parents and siblings. I am very independent ,self respecting person. As our society is not very kind to ladies and
    More so towards single ladies, i have suffered many setbacks and unkind situations along the way. Have never given up and continued journey to my goals. This it seems, has ultimately affected me emotionally. I dont share my workplace happenings with my family nor with friends. This has made me very differently person from what i was earlier. I m doing everything but without much interest. Trying to be brave outwardly but u know its tough to be always brave. H i have the record of pulling myself up everytime. So hopefully ,God will give me courage to lift myself and show me the light to proceed on right path.

  • Hazhaz May 11, 2016, 3:21 pm

    I am 14 years old, I am feeling so depressed these days tgat I can’t sleep at night and cries att night, I probably think its because I haven’t seen my parents for 6 months in a row due to some stuff that are happning in syria right now and I can’t complete a night without thinking about them or crying.
    Please help me.

  • Mike Campbell May 11, 2016, 6:40 pm

    I don’t know where to begin,im having trouble dealing with the changes in life,I know most rely on this technology based world, but I don’t want to, I hate the fact that I can’t go into a store and just fill out an application for work,im constantly worried about how people see me,im 47 years old and keep being told to grow up, that’s the way of the world, and I need to accept it, but my feelings are if i didn’t need it twenty years ago,why do I need it now? If I don’t change I’ll never get anywhere in life, with my own excuse,that I don’t need all this and just want to get through life as I always have. I’m constantly telling siblings I have anxiety and am constantly worried about being a failure,fear rejection, and it seems people don’t understand me or just don’t want to hear it,leaving me speechless and wishing I could be left alone away from others and their opinions about me and how they tell me,Thats Life! I have found myself drowning in alcohol to bring out a happiness,which leads to crying and worrying sometimes during some thoughts and discussions .I anger people when I voice myself in a manner that I should not have to be like them or today’s society! Even in traffic though there’s nothing to worry about, when I see a police car on the road I get really nervous, but don’t know why? I also wake up with anxiety about the day in front of me,until I find a mask to make me feel happy.Im ranting because I still don’t know which way to go to make myself happy, when I feel like, if I do this, it’s not for me, it’s to make others happy, and then hide from the reality that I just want to be left alone and just get by! Sincerely, Lost and deeply emotional to having to like today’s world…

  • Elizabeth Leeck May 12, 2016, 11:15 pm

    I just read this and had my partner read it so she’d understand me. Instead of understanding? She got mad at me and asked me if I’m going to get help. I can’t turn to anyone.

  • Whatsername May 13, 2016, 4:32 am

    I found this a bit ago and I get it. I don’t think I’ve ever been the happiest person but since the guy I loved broke up with me almost two years ago it’s worse. He wanted to be friends, than wanted to talk about how I felt, than wanted to ask me about his various girlfriend problems and inevitability told me I bitched to much. All within a 4 month period and we haven’t talked since. Now he’s engaged and his family is horribly happy. The sob story aside, my leg was deformed by arthritis 3 years ago and I’m in pain almost every day. I haven’t worked in years, not for lack of filling out job applications, the one friend I have lives miles away and I don’t trust anyone to consider making more friends. I workout almost every day it doesn’t always help I play guitar I used to do art it’s been a while for my art and I can’t get back to it. I pull my guitar out and fiddle for a few hours but don’t accomplish much. I either wake up with anxiety or drink and take a pill at night to get to and stay asleep. I had a while I was drinking off and on all day to numb myself but I can’t really afford to now. I’m not sure what writing this is doing, helping? I don’t think so, I suppose most people look at it as relentless whining and it’s best to bottle and stay quiet. I’m good at that, it’s natural to me and so starts another day.

  • Empty May 14, 2016, 12:18 pm

    HI i read this page, and its like i finally understand whats wrong with me. I’m a horse trainer and stable hand/manager. I just moved last year to live on my own and figure out whats on the road ahead of my life. But i keep going down this same path, if you look at me you see someone who is smiling and happy. But know one knows the real me, i put on the smile so that know one knows how sad and alone i feel. I have no friends, and I’m socially awkward so its very hard for me to make friends. I used to love my job, the horses were an escape from my mind. But now as soon as i go to work, i finish as soon as possible so that i can go home, and just lay down. On my day off i don’t like to leave the house, i feel miserable, i have nobody to do anything with. Sometimes i think well maybe if i moved my life would get better, but i then tell myself it doesn’t matter where i live I’m just going to go down the same path. Since you see school is very hard for me and i keep saying i want to go back to school, learn something thats going to make me more money, and be more happy, and get more friends, but everytime i go back, i feel like i never get close enough to a real degree, since i have to take those classes that don’t give you credits, in order to take the basics that will give me the credit. I sorta like college since there are people there, and i think i might have a chance to gain some friends. but then i get to college and complete a semester i still have no friends, no relationship. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, and id really love to write a book, but i have a million different things id love to write about. So i start writing, i have attempted to write 4 books. but still not finished.

  • melissa lewis May 15, 2016, 7:48 am

    I never knew. I’m sitting here now, watching my SELF unfold in your words. You explained something I never have been able to put into words. I’ve been to therapists. I’ve been diagnosed as many things. That was mostly when I was young. Then when my niece was murdered, and i lost my jobs, got robbed at gun point, and wouldn’t couldn’t sleep, i took my ass to the Dr. They told me they believed i was mis diagnosed. So,after testing they said major depression, etc. But I can’t stand taking meds and they work at first, then they don’t, after a while. So i stop taking them. But anyhow. I think this is me. I wish i could change because i feel so bad that my good husband has to deal this mess.. where to go from here though. That is the question! What to do now?

  • sherrell May 17, 2016, 2:32 am

    Your post was talking to me, I’m 26, a mom to a 5 year old boy. Almost my whole life I’ve never been happy. I mean there’s small pieces of my life where I was but then I go back to being down. The way I describe my life is as always having a gray cover over my world. I’m not happy with my career , how I look, I’m constantly feeling guilty for my son because he’s an only child or like a bad mother. I just hate myself but I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.

  • Restless May 17, 2016, 6:49 pm

    Being a mother of 3 and having a husband and a full time job.. How does one have time for themselves?
    I go to work, come home, make dinner, laundry , chat with kiddos, then shower then bed.
    Honestly the only time I do have is Saturday and partially Sunday as We go to church.
    I feel like all I do is go and go and go…. I have taken my meds for a couple years now but I’m managing..
    I still feel empty inside like something is missing..
    Or I feel sad.. I guess dealing with depression or anxiety you just never know what to expect. I wish there was a balance somewhere and I wish I didn’t have to take meds… What is even considered normal these days?

  • Miss82 May 21, 2016, 1:45 am

    I do not even know where to begin. How did I end up so unhappy? Why am I angry? I feel so tired and just want to stay in bed and stay away from everyone. Thank God for my 6 and 3yr old. It’s cause of them that I have to keep going. Why am I so scared to go home and live as a single parent even though I’m not happy in a blended family situation?. Clearly my head just spins all day every day with questions and voices screaming at me to take action and I just become paralyzed. Angry. Tired. I want to be living. But I’m just existing. Can’t even cry it out. Just too tired. Alone even though I have a partner. I feel bad for my soul.

  • Samuel Trippler May 21, 2016, 2:16 pm

    Yeah, I’m a walking depressed. There’s nothing else to say.
    But hey it’s better to be a walking depressed than to be dead. That’s at least what I tell myself.

    • Captain Dunghorse October 16, 2017, 6:30 pm

      You said it. Im 38 and my best friend since college, his 3 year old just passed away from cancer, NOW after this hell on earth, he’s told outta nowhere, he’s got pancreatic cancer no hope to live, just enjoy life for now. Yup, my depression is completely diminished.

  • mar May 21, 2016, 3:06 pm

    I know this of me…I just go through the motions of my day. Have for years now. My kids are 21 and 16. I am a grandparent now. Depression and bi polar run in my family. From my sister to my own daughter having attempted suicide. My brother was severely depressed. I work full time as does my husband. I always put people first. Family…work….I don’t take a break. I’ve supported my family financially and emotionally. Been by my only uncles death bed. I just keep going. I cannot fail them. However in the last five years with all of this happening I just have my cries behind closed doors and smile in front of everyone. I don’t see how I can find time for me when they all need so much of me. 🙁 I am 38 and there is just too much to explain of everything that goes on. Always feel a storm and can’t seem to catch a break.
    Have to keep finding a positive and keep going. One day maybe get to have me time.

  • Katie May 22, 2016, 8:01 am

    My religion teacher once told me, depression is like having a bucket full of water. Normal people without depression fill up their bucket when they have positive thoughts or positive reinforcement. Depressed people have a hole in the bottom of their bucket, whenever they are told something positive or do something positive, the water is added to the bucket but keeps flowing out. No matter what I do, what people say to me or how perfect or happy my life may seem, all of that goes away, I feel empty, my bucket can never reach its peak because of my depression. I can’t ever stay happy, all of my thoughts are suffocating me and are slowly eating away at my life. One little thing can happen in my life and it’ll all come down to, am I worth it? Why am Iiving? No mater what I always have these thoughts in my head, and because of that my depression is ruining my relationships with others and my life in general. Sometimes I find someone in bed all weekend, unable to even step foot on the ground and get up because my motivation is so low. I have no motivation or energy for anything anymore simply because I feel like I’m getting no where, that I have no potential and I won’t succeed. And what’s sad is that I’ve gotten all the help I need, I’m on medication and I’ve gotten therapy and I have everything I could possibly ever want, but my depression says “that’s not good enough” and continues to bring me down like an anchor bringing me to a dark dark abyss, and no matter how hard I swim to get a gasping breath, it keeps weighing me down. My happiness never lasts, it always goes and I don’t even have to try. I see no light at the end of the tunnel, I see no success and no future. I am constantly thinking about how unworthy I am, how much of a failure I am and how no one loves me, because all I see are the bad things and I care too much about how people treat me. One of my friends blew me off last night for other friends and I thought my world was coming to an end, I was so upset that I resorted to those thoughts again: I’m just no good enough. I feel like no one cares about me anymore because of how they treat me. I do admit, I am ignored and treated as if I’m nothing so it spirals into me contemplating my life. I just wish I could find some sort of happiness and have it be permanent, but I can’t and I don’t think I ever will.

  • Tara May 24, 2016, 12:21 am

    I have no idea if I have this but life has been feeling pretty mundane lately when it shouldn’t be. My mother died the day before my daughter was born on March 28th this year…..I feel like ever since her stroke I just don’t find joy in things as much anymore. I feel like my relationship is boring, I feel unattractive, I feel inadequate and just all around blah with myself. I’m surprised my daughter even likes me and it’s seriously difficult to be mom some days. I don’t know if I need a hug, a therapist, or some drugs…..just feeling really lost in life.

  • Chaela May 24, 2016, 1:55 am

    I’ll have a few weeks of happiness or okayness, but then I go into a hole of being sad and not being able to make myself do anything. I can cancel plans with friends because I can’t bring myself to get out of the house. I just lay in bed feeling sad, frustrated and then angry all at once. Then I go into feeling nothing but worthlessness. I feel like I’m in a hole and can’t climb out of while slowly losing hope of getting out alive. I feel like I can’t tell anyone because no one would know enough, or care to help me.

    • A May 25, 2016, 1:28 am

      Well i cared enough to reply so you turn to care enough to get help find Jesus he will show you he cares way more then any other person ever will

  • Jordan W May 24, 2016, 5:05 pm

    Everyday is a struggle! I hate waking up and I hate going to sleep, it’s rough. I’m 25 and I’ve been depressed since a teen, I think I’m crazy
    I can’t keep a relationship…….loneliness sets in……misery…..anger……suicidal thoughts……..tears………Marijuana…….hope……repeat cycle! Fuck me! I hate myself so I don’t mind other people who don’t like me come join the party, fuck life!

    • A May 25, 2016, 1:23 am

      Weed makes what your feeling stronger so if your sad you get more sad if you get depressed you get more depressed find another answer its out theres call it faith aka Jesus

  • Who cares May 25, 2016, 1:17 am

    Im in a deep depression and deeply thought of suicide and i can tell you the one thing that stops me is love of Jesus and i know what it sounds like but trust me i felt no joy wanted to cry but was so cold and doubted everything so i lost my faith and just wanted to end it but he restored my faith that hes real let him prove hes real and that loves you YOU READING THIS and weeps for you hes waiting for you please trust hes the only way out that ends with true peace and joy and oh ya he saves your soul so you can spend eternity with him in love and peace so if you choose him il see you there and if you dont youll be the ones he will weep for im sorry i couldnt help you if i did then you will understand but only if you put The Holy Trinity ABOVE ALL INCLUDING YOU DESIRES love all TRULY LOVE ALL bottom line hes waiting on you and wants to be with you so go all im or dont but dont play middle man because it wont work if you dont feel it try harder it will work out in the end you are loved no matter what i said you are loved no matter what

  • Sakura Haruka May 25, 2016, 1:00 pm

    I don’t think I can change my life , it is so shocking that I am only 17 and suffering this much , i feel like i can’t breathe , i can’t feel , i can’t love anyone anymore , even trust is something i can’t do , i really wish my parents knew how to deal with me instead of locking my life up this way. They don’t realize anything , always blaming me , they live as if they did nothing to me , i have been living this way since i was 12 years old but this year it got much worst , they destroyed my dream and my ambition , nothing is left , such a waste they killed me in me , it is okay to protect your child but don’t let them go out of breath , i am really sinking in the infinite of sadness , about to go crazy and cannot focus on anything , even my graduation day was destroyed because of them . I really wish i was never being born becuase whenever i try to reach up i sink again and again , it is like no one realize i am a human too , i really waant to solve this problem and walk away of sadness ..

  • Tawana May 27, 2016, 9:54 pm

    As a people please(r), I have failed myself to lookout and put myself first in many situations throughout my 43 years of life. I allowed close family and “friends” to influence decisions about my life. Today, I overeat, I’m overweight, single (never married), indecisive, lonely, and was healthy up until my injury 8 years ago, that left me permanently disabled and cannot work again. I lost everything (especially what I worked to get), short of losing my mind. I am jealous of the people who have lived long full lives. Its as if I was set up to fail. What’s the point?

  • Nat May 28, 2016, 7:31 pm

    I just want to die.

  • Austin May 30, 2016, 11:38 pm

    Thank you so much for this article. Literally EVERY symptom you described is EXACTLY what I’ve been going through for the past 4-5 years. I never realized i was depressed. I always just thought I was weaker than everyone else. I’m 17 as I’m writing this and I’m at a point in life where I’m expected to be graduating, having a girlfriend, being happy and young. All the people around me, friends and family seem to be doing this. Except for me. But for the past couple years I’ve just felt there’s no need for this. The only reason I haven’t said anything to my parents is because they’ve given me SOOOO much and I mean a lot. Everything I’ve ever asked for from my parents I’ve received almost everyone of the things/opportunities. But I feel like if I told them I was depressed they’d get mad and think all they’ve done was for nothing and that I’m unappreciative. But truth is I dont know why I’ve always felt like this. I don’t know why I’ve always had this walking depression. I have no real reason and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m a senior in high school with 8 CREDITS and the only the I do when I come home from school (if I even go) is indulge in substance abuse. (Alcohol, marijuana , ect. ) I’m at a pint in life where my parents are getting tired of it. But truth is, this is the only way I feel I can live a happy life. They hardly even know half the stuff I do with my day and if they found out they’d be heart broken. I don’t know what to do

  • Nancy May 31, 2016, 6:35 pm

    I don’t know if I’m depressed but I’m not the same anymore. I’m always sad now but I try the best at school to stay happy so nobody ever notices..

  • Neil potterton June 2, 2016, 2:07 pm

    When I was about 8/9 years old I was sexually assaulted and never told anyone got to the age of 12 when I realised it was wrong what had happened then I started having anxiety attacks I was a troubled child growing up always getting into trouble with my dad he never asked any questions of why or what’s wrong with you the belt was his way of dealing with things so I grew up never telling any one what happened to me I got bullied at school nearly all the way through then I left school got married had 2 kids got devorced she took my kids away then 2 years later I got them back because my ex wife let them get sexually abused so I brought them both up on my own in the mean time I had a couple of bad relationships where I lost everything upto this point I still hadn’t told anyone about what had happened to me and still having anxiety my kids have grown up now my son don’t talk to me now my daughter she lives away I do see her she gave me a beautiful granddaughter I try to look after every one my parents have health problems my dads got cancer upto November 2015 I had a job but I’m now on the sick being bullied at work and with health problems still doing everything for people I am 50 this year and still no one knows what happened when I was 8/9 even if I told mum and dad now they wouldn’t believe me they think I’m a lier and a trouble causer even tho I still help them and I don’t look after myself now I’m really low down but if any one asks if I’m ok all I say is yes I’m fine thanks but I have to keep going because my family need me .

    • viv June 12, 2016, 12:21 am

      Youve kept it a secret for quite a long time, you must let it out, its killing your soul. Dont jump into conclusions and suppose you know how your parents will respond. People can suprise you, so can life.

  • Captain June 4, 2016, 11:01 am

    I`m at the i don`t give a fuck about anything stage. Can`t be bother with anything really and i can`t be bothered to do anything to change my situation. I`m tired of life and just want it to end. Only reason i don`t want to commit suicide is the fear of going to hell. My life is already hellish, it doesn’t make sense to go to hell in the afterlife for entirety. I guess i get solace know that i have approx another 40 or 50 years left but even that seems so fucking long to go. I`m getting progressively sadder as the years go by. I feel your pain people and i hope we could be happy soon because no one deserves to go through life this way, it just make life so much more unbearable.

  • Anne June 4, 2016, 3:56 pm

    Every day I feel like I’m a waste of a human being. My life has no purpose. I feel alone, unloved and worthless and I’m powerless to change it. Not even my husband knows the real me. I hate myself, every day is the same as the day before, I tell myself all day long how I’m throwing away my life, how useless, ugly and pathetic I am. Every day I get a headache from all the thinking and praying I do for someone to show me what I could do to find my purpose in life. It’s been 3 years and not even God cares about me. I hate myself, I hate what I have become, I hate who I am, I hate that I’m NOTHING. I hate that I can’t find my purpose in life, I hate that nothing brings me joy, I hate my inability to save myself and I hate that nobody sees how I feel or wants to save me. I am so ashamed of myself, Life is a Gift, and look at me, helpless and hopeless. All alone in my deep dark hole, everybody walks by, but doesn’t see me.

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  • M. A. E. June 5, 2016, 5:46 pm

    In college and grad school I had such high hopes and ambitions for my career as a musician. I struggled with depression, but with medication was able to get by. After obtaining my Master’s degree in music, I began to see the struggle of an “ordinary” life, doing a 9-5 job I detested just to pay the bills. I was able to quit that job and work part time as a musician (teaching and performing) after my children were born. Struggled with postpartum depression and eventually crippling anxiety. I have tried many different meds and am now finally on a high dose of the one med that actually works for me. I am terrified about what will happen when it is no longer effective for me. I manage to raise my two extremely active boys (both on the Autism spectrum), run a private music studio, hold a part-time job as a church musician, all while keeping up the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) as my husband works a full-time job as a high school teacher and comes home and teaches private music lessons for an additional 15-20 hours a week. I have a wonderful life, family and job, but feel as though I don’t deserve any of it. I go between feeling panicked at the thought of everything I need to do that day and feeling hopeless about the future. The one thing that keeps me going is the feeling I get after performing. It’s something that I love, that I understand; that I put time, feeling and thought into. And to have my work touch just one person makes the anxiety of performing worth it. Anyway, I see myself in all of the symptoms you had described in this article. I thought I was just weird because I can never just seem to be happy with my life! I now realize I have felt this way since the age of 12 or so. Thanks for the article.

  • Cynthia June 6, 2016, 4:15 am

    I have found myself smiling when I know In my heart, I am not truly happy. I do it for my children. They don’t know I stay awake at this hour contemplating my every next move to try and help myself move forward. I walk with a smile into work, into our home, anywhere I go…with my head held high. But no one really See’s that I am sad, disturbed, stressed, whatever you may call it… beneath all that I am just wanting help! Help to breath, help to let myself cry, help to just be better again.

  • Jill June 6, 2016, 4:50 am

    this sums up how I feel and how my life has been for many years. I have devoted myself to the needs and wishes of my 2 children since my divorce 11 years ago. They are now 18 & 15 and I have totally lost myself. I’m lonely and depressed yet functioning, but oh so sad. I do nothing for myself as I now longer now how – yet to the outside world, noone notices how bad I am…

  • Dominique June 6, 2016, 3:13 pm

    Im a young mother my fiance is a free agent pro athlete always on the road. Everyone expects me to keep everything together and stay strong and i do or at leaSt i put that face on. I lost the thing that helped me stay calm and sane. i ran track in college but then got pregnant with our baby now its just work and home to the baby. I love her but i feel useless if im not dealing with my baby. I let go of scholarships and my college degree. My fiance, He’s still chasing his dream and i support him while raising our child most of the time by myself.

  • Corann fondren June 6, 2016, 10:41 pm

    I deal with this every day. I’ve been depressed since I was 12 and I am still depressed at the age of 21. I’ve had many people say that I have no reason to be depressed or that I’m just looking for pity. I still struggle with day to day things but for the most part I do what I have to do. I always hate it and it effects my life in ways others don’t know. I love having friends but most of the time people think I don’t want anything to do with them because I don’t talk to them or want to hang out. The problem is that I do but I don’t. I would love to talk and hang with people all the time but it’s a lot of effort that I don’t have the energy to do.
    I use to be ashamed of my depression but I’m not anymore. It is a part of who I am. I’m working on my bachelor’s in social work so that I can help others that go through the same thing. The problem with people knowing about my depression is that a lot of people say “how can you help others if you are depressed yourself?” I personally think that can give me an advantage because I know how hard things can be. I can show that depression doesn’t mean I’m incapable of pushing through and learning to live with it. I want others to know that as well.

  • Marbad June 7, 2016, 1:25 pm

    Hello ! As i’m reading the article above i felt that i might have walking depression as well ; i am student in a very intense and difficult school . Everyday is a pain for me . I have a hard time waking up everyday to go to school and i have extremely low esteem of myself . i feel that i have problems and obstacles to everything all the time . People around me always say that i shouldn’t be negative . And that it makes my life a sad living hell . Still , i don’t know how to get over this permanent depression .

  • Jessica June 7, 2016, 6:59 pm

    I feel like a living zombie. Life has no meaning. When I look into the future all I see is a black hole. I’m 42. Single. Never married. No kids. One cat. I hesitate to own anything like a house because I don’t want to burden my family if I’m “not here” sometime in the future because the day comes when I can’t take the sad monotony of my life anymore. I “escape” into books and sleep. I’ve been on meds most of my adult life. It never gets better. How do you cope?

  • Dereck June 8, 2016, 6:58 pm

    I love what I do… Wouldn’t trade it for the world. But it has taken everything from me. A fiancée, a social life, all of my time.. I burst out crying at random in really public places at very awkward times. Think about suicide daily.. I can’t sleep, hardly ever eat or drink water even (though I work in hot parking lots under the baking, humid Atlanta sun) the only time I’m happy is when I’m actually doing work. I’m miserable at home, I have no desire to meet new people, and constantly push my friends and loved ones further and further away.

  • Brianna June 8, 2016, 7:44 pm

    I have yet to get help but i’m working on it. I feel the same way everyday and want to move forward in my life but it holds me back because I never know what I really want. I’m indecisive with everything and usually too tired to do anything. In 10th grade, I never realized why I started to isolated myself and lost interest in everything.Then in 12th grade I was diagnosed with mild depression but I never went on to see a psychiatrist because I also had social anxiety. I felt like no one could really understand me and It was easier to keep to myself.

  • Susan June 8, 2016, 8:25 pm

    My last breakup started me on this. I am depressed. I know it. I’ve cried almost every day since September. It’s now June. My apartment is a wreck, I have gotten sloppy with the bills, that which ought to be done sits on the back burner. But my work gets me through.

    It’s not my dream job, but I help people every day. I have a BFA and I sell hearing aids. I like to think my art background helps me attack a problem from all sides. I’m very good at my job. But it’s just a job.

    Eighteen months of unemployment is enough to scare you into anything. I thank 2008 for that. But I now make more money than I ever had before.

    I was happily going along the path when I met He-Man. Then he wasted a year and a half of my life when the other woman appeared. I loved him then, I still love him now. Then I turned 40, a milestone for which he told me he would be around.

    To quote Shakespeare’s Beatrice: I am sunburnt. I shall take my apes to Hell. Then the Devil will say, get you to Heaven. In Heaven, I shall be shown where the bachelors sit. And there were we merry as the day is long.

    Which is a different sort of hell.

  • Alexis June 9, 2016, 12:42 am

    Hello there, my name is Alexis.
    You encouraged people to comment (which is awesome – thank you for cultivating a safe and open environment in this way), so I thought I’d comment as well. 🙂
    For the past couple of years, I’ve tried to define my sadness as depression, but I was getting by, so it felt wrong somehow to call it depression. That’s the line in this article that I resonated with the most, when you raised a point of why it’s difficult for someone to admit to themselves that they struggle with a manifestation of depression.
    I realized that I’ve felt very unhappy for a long time now. I coexist with the people and the world around me, I get through the day, and I try to look towards a bright future, but ultimately I feel dissatisfied and for the most part, devoid of passion and joy. When I do experience happiness, it is in brief and intermittent intervals. I live, but I do not thrive, and it’s incredibly painful to admit it. Just as I am about to derive meaning from an event in my life, or perhaps the sunset, or a relationship I have, my deep-rooted and incredibly pervasive unhappiness creeps up on me insidiously. It’s a bad habit of mine now to look up at the the clouds and deliberately disregard the silver lining, even if I know it’s there. With every merit, there is a fault. With every single thing going right, there is something going terribly wrong.
    It hurts to live this way; to know that happiness exists, but not knowing how to coexist with it. I hope I can attain the discipline and drive to make the decision to be happy and to truly take care of myself, but then again, actions speak louder than words.
    I strive to be happy again, but lack the motivation, mostly at my own fault. To be frank, it’s shitty, overwhelming, and uncomfortable to actively improve, in spite of the indisputable fact that change and improvement has a very positive effect on a person’s overall being.

  • B Schueler June 9, 2016, 4:48 pm

    I am very glad I read this article, I had thought maybe i was just low, because I can sometimes pull myself back up. I come to work every day, I go home every day, I try to plan things to do on my day off, because I hope that if I keep myself active enough I won’t have to focus on whats wrong with me. My husband sees it, he doesn’t say it but I know he does, and I’m afraid to say something cause I don’t want him to think it’s his fault. I’m sure being quiet about it is worse then talking about it.

  • Erika June 10, 2016, 8:03 pm

    This is how I have been for as long as I can remember. I have even tried getting back into writing, even just fanfiction, then get down on myself pretty quickly (I’m not ‘the best’ therefore I shouldn’t waste my time who would read my shit writing anyway). So it’s definitely a vicious cycle. My writing used to be the only thing I was confident in, concerning myself. Now, I don’t even have that.

  • Vivi June 12, 2016, 12:03 am

    I dont know when it started but I began to lose self confidence and I try to look back at when I was confident but cant recall what made me that way to go back to it. My economic situation isnt the best, my parents are struggling and my dad is always in a bad mood, Ive never really been able to get along with him. I can see my mom is getting older and she goes thru her midlife crisis and it kills me to see that she acts childish when at her age she should be in another mindset. My younger sisters are so beautiful, so innocent, I sometimes envy how they are just kids and cant see how life can be such a mess. I started working 2 jobs and I go to college, I am busy everyday of the week, I barely get time to really chill and think about what is happening in my life. My girl best friend has been living in another country for the past 3 months, my guy best friend has fallen in love with this girl that is no good for him, and I cant stand her. Work can be really exhausting but sometimes its better to keep busy so I dont have to really look at the big picture i have in front. Reality is Im not happy, I wish I could be somewhere else. I feel stuck in this 3rd world country where its really hard to find someone that understands me, I feel alone. Havent had a real serious relationship and Im about to turn 22 this week, I havent made any plans to celebrate because my closest friends arent around and money isnt either. I find myself having the same topic on my mind when talking to people: what is the meaning of life?, why are we really here? Are we just bacterias or viruses to some other big specie out there. I can go on about that subject and at the end feel more and more lost. I try to focus on the life I have, knowing and hoping it will all be temporary and that things will get better, but like every thought one has.. and what if its not? I have never thought about hurting myself, thats not my style, but I do cry when Im alone at home, I wish I could appreciate my life more, but with all these situations happening, Ive really used up all my options, and that is how I found this page.

  • Joseph Ward June 12, 2016, 4:49 pm

    I recently finished my a levels and got a part time job in retail before I go to university. During this time I developed feelings for a girl at work who I knew had a boyfriend. I was OK with this and could deal with it. Recently she became a lot more friendly and huggy, but unknown to me she was having a difficult time with her boyfriend and eventually broke up. I found out later, but during the time I mistook the friendliness for affection, though I did nothing as I thought they were still together. When I found out they broke up it really got my hopes up. I resolved to leave her a while to allow her to deal with the breakup and not be insensitive. However, I recently found out that the reason she broke up was to be with another guy. All my raised hopes were thrown down, and for days I felt a hollow feeling. I could still function and no one noticed at work, until very recently. Ironically the girl I liked noticed something was wrong and asked if she could help. Offering for me to text her. After a lot of deliberation I did, explaining that a girl I liked had got into a relationship, but not telling her who it was. She gave me some advice that unfortunately didn’t help much. However all I did was add to the front I put on at work, and pretend it was sorted. The problem is I just can’t let it go. I still hope there might be a chance for me, even though I’m certain there isn’t. I just can’t seem to convince myself that it’s never going to happen. I’d like to be able to just ignore her but I work with her and we are pretty good friends, so ignoring her would be unfair and rude and chances are she would notice. It seems so petty but it has affected me so much. I feel guilty for worrying about something so small in the grand scheme of thing. I don’t feel I can tell my family and friends as I don’t think they will talk seriously about it since I have never had much experience with relationships before which doesn’t help as I feel I never get any attention from females, so despite being told by many that I’m not bad looking, I feel ugly. Working in retail doesn’t help where I frequently feel like customers don’t really treat me like a proper human, but as an annoying insect there to pester them with questions and clean up after them when they can’t be bothered to put products back on hangers or even back in the right place as well as being generally rude, when I’m only trying to help them. I’m doing a gap year so all my friends have gone to uni except for one, who is my gym partner. I miss having a social life, as it’s a part time job I don’t develop strong friendships with many of them, and then the only contact my colleagues, friend and I have is over social media as we can’t talk much at work and we only meet up from time to time. I miss seeing my friends face to face regularly. My gym work doesn’t help as it only makes me feel smaller than everyone there, and weak. This girl still has no clue I like her and I’m trying to give nothing away. I have body image issues and miss having proper friends. I want to leave and get to university as soon as possible and just start my social life again, but I can’t leave as we are ridiculously short staffed at work due to many leaving. Leaving would be good as I could start to forget this girl and stop being treated badly by customers, but I can’t. I don’t feel I deserve to be unhappy and depressed, as my problems are so insignificant compared to what many others go through which is part of the reason I don’t tell anyone. Realizing how unhappy I am led me to look at this article, and I realized how many points of it I agreed with, and how many ‘symptoms’ I appear to potentially have. I’m not self diagnosing; I don’t feel qualified to do that and I still don’t feel I could be or deserve to be depressed, but I compared my life now to when I was at school and realized how much I worry now and how my mood is usually different (worse and generally less happy). I feel like a shell walking around. I’m empty inside as feelings only hurt me now, and I put on a happy face at work and around others so that they don’t notice, and to not draw attention to myself as I don’t want anything like that. I’m sorry for the massive post but I wanted to talk to someone I feel won’t judge, and someone I don’t know.
    Thanks
    Joseph

  • Robyn June 15, 2016, 10:29 am

    I am tossed to and fro and it so annoying to be ok for one day or 3 or maybe a few hours and have some hope and joy! Just to be like that 80% of the time would be a miracle but no misery comes in whenever they choose and bring me to the lowest. I have a amazing 4 year old daughter who deserves so much more from me, she’s stronger than me really. The pressure of DOING THE DISHES or Oh Lord getting the laundry switched is like carrying hundreds of weights on top of me, when it shouldn’t require a second thought. This is evil, like a mosquito slowly sucking your life out. Sometimes I ask God Why did you give me this beautiful child because often she’s been the only reason to keep me here. I don’t want to leave her with that.

  • L June 15, 2016, 2:37 pm

    I’m more happy than I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve never thought about death more often.

  • musa June 15, 2016, 8:43 pm

    I feel each and evry symptom u mention I feel like thres no one who cares, am even of thinking of commuting a suicide I don’t knw what right n wrong I am walking depressd

  • Ankit June 16, 2016, 1:41 am

    I am unable to move myself on! Wasting my life !

  • Adrian June 16, 2016, 6:53 pm

    Hi I’m Adrian. I hope you reply that would be great but it’s ok if u can’t. Thank You for telling what depression is. I’m just 20yrs old. But after being a caretaker of my dad who had a massive stroke. It took me a heavy toll. I’m mentally and emotionally tired. I lost myself I feel it idk. I don’t like myself. It’s just a lot I want to say but it’s ok. I guess life is life. Life is great ya yaa. But if I’m negative then my life will be negative. Sorry

  • Joanna June 18, 2016, 8:13 pm

    I hate to start on a negative, but to be honest, I feel so unhappy right now. You made some really good points that I related to a lot. But I don’t know, I just feel like my depression is different? It just feels different; foggy with…something. I don’t know. (Hmm…I just got an idea for another “why it’s hard to admit you have walking depression”: because you feel like your depression is different, or that it doesn’t match up with the “symptoms” on the page!) Sorry. Not trying to correct you, or anything, but it would be so helpful to other doubters like me if you put that up there 🙂

    I also really relate to your tip on making connections with other people and talking with them; that is a really useful tip. In fact, writing this and talking to you has improved my mood a lot!

    And also your tip on getting enough rest. Yes, that is a really good one indeed.

    Maybe my feelings are a result of this stay-at-home summer situation that I’ve been having for the past two weeks, actually…and trying to be perfect and have every word I say be absolutely true…and not spending time and energy and passion about other people, and caring for other people. Your article was great and I’m so grateful to you for helping me to realize what I need.

    P.S. Thanks for reading this comment! I really appreciate that.

  • Oliver Sutten June 19, 2016, 5:00 am

    Been feeling like this for so long. I didnt allow myself to formally recognize it. Trying to hide it from family who struggle enough with real problems. I dont want to be the weak one who causes the the family to stumble. No one to talk to about it without causing more grief.

  • dre June 19, 2016, 9:36 am

    I just hate life neve been phone of it ive tryed so many different ways still end up depressed and on drugs when i dont use so idk what to say but when i livn of ill fck bad ots a promis e

  • Michael Densmore June 20, 2016, 6:40 am

    Wow after reading this almost everything in here is exactly how I feel. I have been dealing with it for so long and it’s finally taking its toll on me and I am becoming aware of what has been making me feel this way but it is very difficult to find the motivation to take the necessary steps to pull myself out of it.

  • Violet June 20, 2016, 7:56 am

    This is me. Except you lost me here “I found the path out of depression by following my desires—to write, to travel, to become a mother and a creativity coach. Eventually I left ordinary life behind. My husband quit his job and we sold our house and headed out on a trip around the world with our kids, aged five and three. I thought I’d found my happy ending, but there was more to the story …” I’m sure there is more to your story but at that point, I no longer relate. I have dreamed of traveling the world with my family since my children were born. But there was no way my husband could quit his job, no way we could travel the world, or even a part of it, hell, even go on vacations, and my children grew up in the same house we’ve lived in for years. Never going anywhere. And what’s worse, is that my children are the creative types, too, and grew up in an area where football and baseball rule, all else is frivolous and unimportant. Friends were few. Yet we were unable to move, I kept hoping things would get better as we tried to fit in, but we never did. I’m sorry, my bitterness and anger and jealousy kicked in towards you. You accomplished something I only dreamed of. I accomplished nothing. I’m now in a job I dread going to, I’m deep in debt, I’m obese, I am miserable, I see no light at the end of the tunnel. My kids are grown, I failed them, but I still try to hide my depressed state from them as best as I can. I’m very depressed and cry all the time (alone) at my failures at what I wanted for my family and for me in life. This is not what I dreamed of or desired.

    Up until that point, I liked your article. I could relate to so much of what you wrote, all those points, symptoms, realizations. I read through each symptom meticulously, writing it down and why it applies to me. But I feel that it’s too late for me now. I’m old, living paycheck to paycheck, with no relief in sight. Yet I go on, unhappy, full of self-pity, a failure, pretending everything is just fine.

  • Franz Kafka June 20, 2016, 7:51 pm

    I got depressed just reading this.

  • Fred Niche June 20, 2016, 7:53 pm

    It’s all just the Angst of being alive.

  • Karen June 20, 2016, 10:39 pm

    I can relate to this, for the first time have worked out what is wrong. I have all the classic symptoms, have 5 children the youngest two are in there early teens and I have no drive to do most things, have plenty of ideas, sit around all day or even sleep till the afternoon, then come evening I get driven, come up with ideas etc. Love it when I can drink I feel happy, I never have put my self first but when I do I get really down like I have betrayed my self and every one else. I cannot be around negative people. I put my self down enough with out other people doing it.I will not go on medication, I have tried it. I have tried the diet exercise thing it works but I get mannic, I feel to overly happy and it doesnt feel right. My kids will be leaving home in two years and then I will have no purpose. Im single, I never date as I can’t get around the fact that some one will want me. I always say when Im old Im going to crawl out into the bush and die alone. That is what I want.

  • Joanne June 22, 2016, 6:24 pm

    Funny…my niece shared this with me…she knows me well, we’re a lot alike. I’ve suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I didn’t see a Dr. until my late 20’s. I’m 51 now. Our oldest child, 21, moved out 8 months ago, it crushed me. Our second child just turned 18 and graduated from HS. She’s going away to college in a couple months…500 miles away. She saw how crushed I was with her brother…I’m working extra hard to remain positive and excited for her…I am but, so sad.
    I recently quit my job of 12 years, I became horribly unhappy with the environment. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore…I’ve lost myself and I don’t even know who I am. I’ve put all of my energy into being a “good” mom (better than my own mom, no fault of hers, she was schizophrenic) for the past 21 years. I’m at a point that I feel like I just exist. I need to find my passion…my purpose. I put your memoir on my Amazon wishlist. Hopefully it will help me find who I need to be AND get my creativity back.

  • Michelle June 23, 2016, 6:27 pm

    I know I’ve been depressed for some time and it has been worse since I have become pregnant, almost due, so my hormones are obviously going nuts. I know a part of it is because of the man I am with. I’m not blaming him but there are things I need from him. We have a toddler as well. I know he can help me if he throws his garbage in the trash instead of on the counter for me to clean up, other chores I can’t do like the litter or chemical cleaning. Getting our child to use her words instead of giving in to demands because she screams and cries just because he doesn’t want to hear it. He works out of town and when he’s in town we barely see him because of work or he decides he wants to go out. These are just a few things. I know I need support and more help around the home. How can I talk to him so he will work to relieve the stresses he causes so I can work on myself? What I feel is not good for our relationship, our children or them understanding what a healthy relationship is and it definitely is not good for me. Please help

  • Michelle June 23, 2016, 7:44 pm

    Joseph Ward;
    In HS I had a boyfriend I really cared for who introduced me to a guy I met once before only because he lifted his shirt and jiggled his fat for me on a dare. The second time I met him he had lost over 100 pounds, big boy, and he developed a crush on me which only grew the more the three of us hung out. My bf and I broke up and his friend after a couple years later finally asked for my number. Then he finally gained the courage to call me. We hung out, he fell in love but I always saw him as a friend. He was there for me through bf after bf. His heart breaking every time he saw me with another guy. Like you, he waited for me to heal only to find out I was in another relationship. He finally told me he was in love with me. A couple more failed relationships later I gave him a chance. Now 5 years later, we have a 3 year old and another child on the way. He has his career while I’m the stay at home mom and we’re saving up for our first house. He has proposed and to be married in the next 2 years we hope.
    The point of my story is to tell you that even though you may just want to date this girl, if you’re patient and really want her then when the time is right you will muster up the courage to tell her how you feel. She won’t forget. Maybe one day you and her can be where my love and I are^.^just a little better off.
    As for your customers, years ago my boss told me the best revenge is to just smile and never lose your perk^.^it pisses them off more! They’re only pissy because of a bad day and putting you in a fowl mood makes them feel better. I don’t condone revenge, but maybe if you tried to make them feel better you may get positive results. Either way, remember they may feel the same as you and anger is all they know to hide their pain. Good luck. I hope your life turns around, you sound like you have a good soul. A sensitive guy most can learn from.

    • Joseph Ward July 16, 2016, 10:04 am

      Hi Michelle.
      Don’t know if you will see this but if you do I want to thank you for the advice. Whilst I’m still working on the depression it helps to know that in a situation like mine it can work out. I’m waiting for the right time to tell her, though I don’t know if I ever will find it. I’m leaving my job soon and heading off to uni. I’ll be the other side of the country to her and the only contact we will have is social media or over my holidays. It might be easier to just forget, and try move on than hold out the hope that she may eventually like me back. It’s too painful to keep that hope going longer than it has been and I can’t see it easily going anywhere good for me. I’ll try occasionally keep in contact with her. Who knows. It may eventually work out. But I’m doubtful. Anyway she and her boyfriend are looking at their first house (already, they’ve only been together 4 months!) so they seem to be settling well, which gives me even less hope. But we will see I guess ;). As with the customers, I have never lost it with one and if they are rude all I usually do is stay civil and pass them onto management if I can. However as I mentioned I am leaving soon for uni 😉
      Thanks again.
      Best of luck with everything.
      Joseph

  • Grey June 26, 2016, 12:42 am

    You maybe just saved my life. I google things like “incredibly Depressed” every day, but it has never come up with anything like this. It always said if I just got through a one day at a time, a better tomorrow would arrive. But year after year it promised that if I just kept walking I would come out somewhere. Once there was the good advise that exercise is very huge. But one day I literally could not walk anymore … I have regained my legs, but am now “walking Depressed” once more with more wasted years of youth and strength behind me to somehow walk AWAY from.

  • B June 26, 2016, 8:27 am

    I feel stuck like I’m 30 and I haven’t accomplished what I thought I would. Also society says as a man I shouldn’t feel down. It’s hard having to wear a mask at work. I’m social but when I’m feeling like this I prefer to be away from people. I don’t like to show any weakness, just feels like this crown I’m wearing is getting heavy. When I record music (rap) I just let my emotions go. I’m happy with my relationship but I just feel stuck in life. And I have felt felt that way before meeting my now fiancé. I want to start my own business, I see older family members who work and struggle, I can’t accept that for myself. I want to leave a mark on the world. I just have a hard time being patient because getting older makes me feel like I’m running out of time. At least I’m in good shape and look 8 years younger lol. It seems like I go through this when I have writer’s block, I write but I lose momentum.

  • Joanna June 26, 2016, 9:03 pm

    I recently graduated from my career, and since that day I prayed and work very hard at a long interview process I was having on the company I worked as an Intern on that time. Eventually I got the job as a Trainee this year, on February to be exct. But since that day I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work Ive been assigned. It’s kind of strange since I have a loving family, a job with a good paycheck for a recently graduated person and I have good health. But Ive been feeling like Im not enjoying my job as I though I would. I cry every Sunday night afraid of starting the week, afraid of making mistakes of the stuff I need to do. I dont know if the effort Im making is enough but I feel that I couldnt be able to make a better effort. Sometimes I cry on the way to my job. My family tells me it’s part of a transformation, you know from college student to responsible working adult, but when will I be feeling better? I just feel worthless in my mind and I hate how I cant be as joyful as before. When I drink coffee I feel strange because I feel very optimistic and happy but that doesnt happen everyday. I dont know why this transformation has been so hard for me, Ive always had good grades at school and considered myself to be very calm and happy. Now I feel like a wreck all the time, I just want to be a child again…

    Im sorry for the grammar, Im kinda writing my thoughts out.

  • AB June 27, 2016, 1:26 am

    Never knew the way I felt had a name. It’s like someone gave you a script and dictated how you where supposed to live your life, but it’s not really what you wanted. You almost feel ungrateful for even thinking that because you actually have it pretty good. You have a really good paying job, a boyfriend, a family, but it always feels like there’s something missing. It feels like you’re not doing what you were meant to do. Like there’s something or someone out there waiting for you. These thoughts consume me. It gets so bad that I wake up in a bad mood and cry for “no reason”. I don’t look forward to anything, and I’m constantly blaming my boyfriend for my unhappiness, even though I’m the one that made the choice to be with him, made the choice to live the life I live. But why am I so unhappy. Why does it feel like I’m not good enough to have better and be better? Why do I feel like I want to run away constantly. Start all over and do it right this time. Do it the way that will make life feel right. I hate feeling like I’m living someone else’s life, like I didn’t meet my own expectations of where I was supposed to be. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling this way. I want to break away from this feeling but I don’t know how. Every time I feel like I have it figured out, this feeling drags me back in and I want to give up. Jump out of my balcony and end it all. But how selfish would that be. How selfish to leave behind those who are part of my life that I blame for, for my unhappiness? What would they do what would they think? Would they feel the same if I just packed my bags and ran far far away from everyone and everything I know? I’m done feeling this feeling of being trapped in my own life. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what first step to take to stop feeling this way. I need help.

  • Ruth July 3, 2016, 5:47 pm

    I am 14 years old, and I do feel a sense of walking depression, but I’m not sure it is definite because I feel like once I am where i’d like to be I’ll be happy. I’ve felt like this since November 2015. I’m just really angry that I am not living how I’d like to. I can’t reach any of my goals – not because I don’t want to but because I’m not able to. Imagine trying to pick an apple from a tree but not being able to reach it because you are standing in sinking sand and every move you make to reach that apple pulls you deeper into the sand. The sand that holds me is being unable to get money on my own and my parents. I’ve told my parents time and again that I’m unhappy with my life and they tell me I’m being ungrateful, they tell me how they struggle to keep a roof over our heads and how they should be the tired ones, the sad ones. And its not like I’m asking for anything extreme. All I want is to change some things in my life so I can live confident and true to my personality. I want to change some things not only for myself but so their lives can be easier, I understand we don’t have money and that’s why I want to make it for my own personal needs. For example, I want to change my wardrobe to a style that reflects my personality, is comfortable and easy to create quick outfits with. I tend to take a long time deciding what to wear and I just want to make my morning routine easier so my parents don”t have to stress about me being late to school. Also, if I like how I’m dressed I feel much more confident throughout the day and don’t feel as much social anxiety from comparing my life to others and feeling sub par. Long story short I want to make my own money so I can buy things to make my life more organized. I’m also unhappy because I have all this creativity without output, I have no friends nearby, but my parents don’t care for contact, and I just feel trapped; I’m not enjoying my summer. I hate sitting inside with nothing to do, I hate looking at others having a productive fun summer. I was offered a babysitting job but my parents won’t let me do it even though we know this person well, and I’m very capable of the job and my parents know it. I just want to do things that make me happy, I’m tired of sitting in my house sleeping eating and doing chores. Music was an escape for a couple weeks but I can’t even access that because my earphones broke and I have no money to buy new ones. Many things I need to buy are things my parents don’t see value in. They are very thrifty and close minded. I feel stuck. I find myself sleeping to kill time and avoid my anger at the way my life is going. Sorry for the long paragraph and for sounding like a no-good whiny teen but I had to let it out

  • Dawson July 4, 2016, 7:32 am

    Hi, I’m 23 and I just can’t figure out why I’m depressed. I have a beautiful little girl, a wonderful wife, a great job, a nice house… but I just feel like I’m missing something. I’ve spent weeks trying to figure it out, and I keep coming up feeling more empty. I have everything I’ve ever wanted out of life, but I still feel like there’s a void. I’ve started taking anti-depressants to cope, but I’m feeling upset with myself because I feel like there’s no reason for me to be depressed in the first place. I haven’t been eating or sleeping much, just sitting around trying to figure out what’s wrong. I finally told my wife what’s going on, and she’s being very supportive. I have so many great things going on in my life, I just wish I had the ability to enjoy them. Maybe my problem is that now that I have everything I ever wanted I have nothing to strive for anymore. I just don’t know…

  • 埼玉の単身パックの相場 July 4, 2016, 8:14 am

    埼玉在住で引越し業者を探すと、
    いつもグーグル・ヤフーなどのネット検索では、
    東京の業者が出てきて、問い合わせてみたらネットの表記料金ではなく
    高く見積もられたことありますよね。
    あればなぜかというと、上位に表示されているのが都内の大手業者と
    一括見積もりサイトをやっているアフィリエイト君であり、
    彼らの本拠が東京より西部もしくは南部であり、
    埼玉まで出張するのにガソリンがかかり高くなるからです。
    むろん埼玉に営業所を構えている最大手はいいのですが、
    中堅ところは大抵東京のみ営業なので出張料金が追加されるからです。
    大体5千円から1万円。
    そこで、いつも東京の近くに住んでいるのに、
    東京につられて高いサービスを買わされている埼玉在住としては、
    どこか格安業者はないかと探すのですが、なかなかでてこないのが実情・・・。
    これも理由があって、東京と埼玉では需要のボリュームが5倍以上も違うので、
    力を入れて埼玉のサイトを作っていないということがあり。
    グーグル・ヤフーでは本当に安くてよい引越し業者は上位にでなくて見つかりません。
    そこで、業界で長く勤めている自分が紹介するのが、《単身パックを比較|埼玉の単身パックの相場がピタリ》というサイトです。
    川口市、草加市、八潮市など東京近郊は都心と同一料金でサービスしてくれる
    良心的な引越し業者が紹介されていますので、
    今度こそは安く引越しして、浮いたお金で模様替えやおいしいものを食べましょう。
    アフィリエイトがやっている大手と中堅の一括見積もりと違って本当の激安引越し業者なので、
    きっと驚きますよ。
    潰れないかと心配になるぐらいなので、だまさりれたと思って一回試しに使ってみましょう。皆さんオススメですよ。

  • Ken July 4, 2016, 4:39 pm

    I walk into my music room , i look at my past music notes and open pages of past practice books , i look at my sax on its stand alongside others in there cases , and i recall the creative energy i once had , now i just cant focus , cant bare to pic it up and play , i just drink , feel so much sadness , just dont know why , why i cant feel the creative joy anymore ,,,,

  • Marilyn Mitchell July 4, 2016, 4:49 pm

    So grateful I came upon your site today. Feeling so tired of putting on the happy face. Let down by my meds (any more of them and I won’t be able to work), friends, prayer, gratitude, repentance, forgiveness, exercise…not that these don’t work. They all have for me. But I have to keep up the work. I have to keep at it every day. Today, I’m just not up to it. I’m tired of the work. Interesting thing is, I don’t want to end my life. No. What I want is to enjoy it. I want to live my life and that’s such a good thing. I want to pick up my drawing, and writing and knitting and cross stith because those are things I enjoy doing. Or just go for a walk for the pleasure of it. Iwant all of that back…and that’s a hopeful thing.

  • Cassidy July 4, 2016, 11:16 pm

    I’ve always had weird moods every since the ending of elementary school. Middle school was rough for me. I don’t know. It just felt like a lot. And it got better my 8th grade year. It has mellowed out I guess. But now I’m a senior in high school. And it’s hitting me harder. Much harder. I feel like crying all the time. My anxiety is off the charts. Pretty much everything you said here and every other stupid depression website has said about depression I have. And it’s what I feel. You probably won’t reply back its okay. Just had to say something I guess I just want someone to talk to me who will listen and understand. Honestly just want a hug.

  • Carmen July 6, 2016, 6:22 pm

    I’m just turning 16 and I’m a girl. I feel like if I’m not talking to or texting someone that no one remembers me. I’ve felt like this for years. I’ve had a rough childhood (moved, switched between families, taken from my mother, meeting a father I never knew I had) and it has made me a severe introvert, and I know this. I feel like if I’m not doing something that I’m just wasting my time. I balance 2 families and am their therapist even though I’m younger than them. I’m constantly apologizing so messing up in the slightest way but I cant help it and I hate it. I hate sleeping but I sleep so much that I know it’s bad. I feel like crying half the time but I literally can’t. My friends (the ones that keep in touch) only think I’m thinking, they don’t know I’m depressed. I have thought and tried to commit suicide but I can’t bring myself to hurt myself. All I think of when I see others that have is “they’re strong. It took strength for them to be able to do that”. I sometimes hate my little sister just because I know life would have been easier without her, it makes me feel terrible. I have no idea how to really look after myself. I can keep a house and cook, but I don’t know how to feel emotions other than anger and sadness. I haven’t in so long that I have forgotten what it feels like. Please give me advice on what I could do

  • Daniel July 8, 2016, 12:48 pm

    I’m sitting here writing this after spending the last hour curled up in a ball in the dark crying my eyes out. I live with a beautiful wife, in a nice house with two wonderful kids; but I’m constantly walking around in a shadow. So much of what you magical people have written here rings true, and although I’m repeating so much of the sentiment expressed here, I feel I need to talk to someone; even if it’s just the internet!

    We live in a busy city and my job is an intense mix of stress and travel and responsibility. I’m an artist and a spiritual person and I want to break away. I feel like I’m sitting on the dark side of a sand-dune, listening to everyone on the other side playing in the sun. I want to be there. I want to live in a small cottage, with nothing; with nature, and leave all this stress behind. We spend so much of our life blended into the status-quo, trying to meet a list of expectations that most of us never question or even understand. We also live so far away from our families and I know this is the one thing making me SO depressed. I’m very close to my family and my wife and I argue over this constantly. She does not want to move but I know our kids love being with their cousins and Aunties and Uncles – I know I am right. I can taste it! I don’t know what to do because my wife and kids are my family; but I miss my parents and I miss where I grew up. This cloud hangs over me constantly and is affecting everything I do; including my relationship with my wife because I blame her for being away from my family. I constantly grapple with the thought of counselling because I don’t know how to talk to others and I can’t talk to my wife.

    But, there is hope for everyone. I just want to hug you all; such amazing stories and outpouring. We are all energy (that is not religion, that is science) and energy is always shifting because change is the only constant. If you feel depressed – it will change. It always does. Do anything you can to lift that energy – get back to nature! Remember that you are wonderful – truly! You may not believe it right now, but you are.

    Thank you for listening to me. Just writing this down helps.

  • Allison July 9, 2016, 3:15 am

    I read some other comments about dreading night time. Well it is 5am and I am still up with racing thoughts. I am successful in work and as a mother, but I constantly feel like a disappointment. I never feel like I am enough. In every form of feeling inadequate. This looming feeling prevents me from being able to feel happy or feel anything else really. I find myself detaching from others.

  • Linda Stone July 9, 2016, 11:16 am

    Hi I had moderate to severe depression for a year. With medication and Time off work, I got somewhat well enough to go back to work. When I tell people, I have depression they say sorry to hear then they move on like who cares. When I’m alone I cry but when I get up, I go to work and try. Sometimes I feel relatively happy but most times I’m acting. Truly I don’t know the difference anymore. I feel tired all the time, I get aches and pains all the time, I can’t sleep and I don’t want to do anything. Weekends come and I make excuses not to go out. I feel guilty because I make everyone who loves me miserable especially my new husband. He loves but I think he wonders if he made a mistake marrying me. He always finds excuses to leave the house to get out and do something. I so wish I could feel normal again. Funny thing is when we go on vacation I feel somewhat normal but when we return I’m worse.
    I’m going to buy your book and I hope I will start feeling normal again.

  • Ruthy July 12, 2016, 12:12 pm

    I am depressed. It is so hard for me, I am trying to handle this myself without any help. It’s not getting any better though , self help isn’t working but I keep trying. I think too much. Im lost.

  • C. July 13, 2016, 12:12 pm

    It’s odd to me that everybody dreads the Nightfall when its morning time that’s the worst for me as soon as I open my eyes I feel an immense dread of a new day how will I get through it and I can’t hardly wait for night to come and the day to end yeah I wake up every morning take care of all my responsibilities and they must be doing a great job because nobody can see how truly sad I am.

  • Beth July 13, 2016, 5:16 pm

    re: Jen, from January, 2016.
    I wonder, with your desire to write, if you could write tiny things, small stories about a person/animal who has one of your troubles, like not wanting to sleep, perhaps. Maybe make it a different person/animal in each story and a different thing they fear. Perhaps get other’s input on things they fear and make stories on those. You will probably accidentally end up exploring your own mind, get some practice writing and have a body of work to show yourself for your efforts.

  • Tari July 15, 2016, 6:32 am

    I relate to all these issues. I feel like I have a rage seething under the surface constantly. I see how happy everyone else seems, and I’m trapped in an unimaginable hell. There is nothing positive in my life and I’ve tried to get out of the situation I’m in but all I get is slammed doors. I’ve gotten into therapy but I cant see how talking about my stupid life is going to help matters. Can’t afford any fancy medication so that’s a no go. I work a horrible job that I hate, with people who have the intelligence of a gnat, I have bills I can’t afford to pay (and this isn’t luxury items this is basic food and water we are talking about) and I feel that death is the only way out of this endless grind of misery. Tired of trying, it never goes anywhere.

  • Farrah July 16, 2016, 2:45 pm

    Im feeling depressed everyday, when I wake up in morning, Im afraid that something will be going wrong and, I just ont want to wake up. I feel useless and destroy everyday. I hate going out with friend because they find me weird. I am not like them, I cannot socialize with people, even though I start to talk with someone, I will do the maximum way to prevent the person. When people talk to me rude, I cannot reply to the person, im to timid. I dont have the skill to defend myself. my life sucks now, I dont have anyone to support me, Im afraid to tell a friend or a close person what I feel, they might behind my back, in afraid of that. These days Im having a clash with my bf and Its hard for me to deal. Today my feeling pushed me to the end, I wanted to destroy everything in me, I took a cutter and wanted to cut myself. I haven’t done it, I dont know what Stopped me. I believe in God, I pray every-time. God is my first main source.

  • Octavia Harris July 17, 2016, 9:18 am

    I read through the comments and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. I go to work everyday, I work really hard, I’m pleasant and likeable. I even joke around, but it’s just a facade. I find myself crying at random times, sometimes even at work, it just starts up. I usually cry all weekend. I cry in the car so hard sometimes I can barely see. I don’t enjoy the things I used to (travel, food, shopping) and life is very difficult to continue each day I wake up, it’s tough.

    I don’t drink or smoke. I don’t want to take pills, they make me tired and feel foggy.

    I fell in love with a man and he doesn’t want to be with me. I didn’t believe in love previously and it just happened. And it’s been two years and I would think I would have moved past it. I have started eating again, but I still can’t sleep at night unless I am worn out from exercise. I can’t stop these obsessive thoughts. Will I ever have great sex again? Will I fall in love with someone else? Will I always only want him? What is wrong with me? I’ve never behaved like this before. I feel silly. People are starving in the world and I’m terribly unhappy because one man can not see my worth.

    Does real love, this feeling I have for him, will it happen again for me? Has this happened to anyone before? How long will it be until I can breath again? Until I enjoy life again? Will I ever be happy?

    • Billy July 27, 2016, 8:59 am

      Its certainly a long road to find the rite one indeed but my heart beats 4 me yours 4 u X i hear yours … 🙂

  • billyboy July 18, 2016, 4:20 am

    Not sure where 2 start but at 50 yo and 12 yrs in2 a last relationship with 3 kids boyz 7yo , 9yo, 11 yo im like so done with my negative pessimistic girlfriend shes like real strait up and all that like no trouble that way but def not my soulmate and dosn’t get my loving nature my simple down to earth wayz n humble way ov doin things like shes alwayz looking at material shiz keeping up with the joneses etc yet our upbringings were fairly poor but i was happy wit my friends but these dayz i see no one but jst drive interstate trucking and so misrable trying to get lifes energy back only to get home to her crushing it outa me with neg thoughtz .

  • YEGguy July 18, 2016, 10:11 am

    This is my first experience with the term “the walking depressed” and it struck a chord with me. I have always felt like a pretender (my mind trying to convince me that depression isn’t real, or that I don’t have it) because there were certain symptoms of depressed people that I would tell myself don’t fit my life. All the while, I feel crushed by depression and anxiety. Over the last few years I’ve been back on medication and going to therapy. Sometimes there are windows where things seem to be trending positively, but it always comes back to vicious self-hate and suicidal thoughts. It feels like maybe nothing will work, and that is kind of scary. Thanks for sharing.

  • Chris P July 20, 2016, 8:16 am

    I have been going through this recently, ever since I came back to the states from a 3 month trip in Japan. It’s been almost a month since I have been back. My passions are also traveling and writing but I’m also constantly reminded that I have school loans being taken out each month which prevents me from doing anything I really love.

    When I was in Japan I was independent, the amazing public transport system was able to get me anywhere I wanted to go, I was surrounded by my friends who were all positive people but still listened to me when my anxiety acted up. I was able to walk anywhere without worrying about getting shot in a mass shooting or attacked by someone. Even if it was 11:30 at night I could still walk back to my dorm and not worry about someone bothering me.

    I did miss my family and my dog but I tried to talk to them through Skype everyday. I thought that when I returned to the states to see them (I still live in my parents house) that I would be happy. I was happy to see them, I spent a lot of time with them the two weeks after I returned. then suddenly the fact that I had less freedom here than I had in Japan started hitting me.

    My mom works all day and my dad is home all day (he got laid off last year after being at the same job for 30 years because his boss didn’t like him, and at 63 it’s hard for him to get another job, which really makes me sad). But my dad is the negative one while my mom is the positive one so being in a house all day with someone who is so negative isn’t helping this at all.

    I’m trying to find a job to make money. I have applied to jobs here as well as over in Japan but I have only heard back from one. The Job I heard from took a week to give me a trial article (it was an English proofreader job that I could work from home) to do. I sent the article back with my notes and corrections within 24 hours, but it still took them another week to get back to me. The email I got from them only told me to be patient a bit longer, which doesn’t tell me much.

    I had already lost my muse for writing because I’m worried about money and in some cases you don’t get the money right away, and that’s only if your story or article are accepted. I’m starting to lose the want to find a job since I’m barely hearing anything back from anyone so I asked myself “what’s the point anymore?”. On top of that none of the jobs I was able to find and apply to are anything I really feel passionate about doing. And I’m sorry but I don’t care if “it’s a job and it gets you money so just do it” I’m sick of working jobs that I dislike. I’m almost 30, I see many people my age and former classmates who are working jobs they enjoy, some have families others are well travelled. They all seem to have their lives together, I mean some may not but they are good at hiding it.

    I’m sitting here in my childhood bedroom no job, little money, stick in one place because I don’t have a car or drivers license and the public transport here isn’t that great, on top of all that I have to worry about my own safety because here in the states there’s a chance that someone could kill you or attack you at a chance, even worse at night. I hate that feeling. I hate not having the freedoms I crave because of everything else that is going on. I hate the feeling of being trapped in a small cage, or at least still being attached to a chain if I find a way out of that cage.

    I want to be happy, I try my hardest to look at the positive side of things but it’s getting harder and harder each day. It sometimes seems that whenever I do have one of those high points where I feel good about myself and feel happy it’s like the universe is like “no, I can’t allow that” and pushes me right back into that deep hole. Then I have to start climbing out of it all over again but then I feel (because it’s what seems to happen) that once I make it out again I’ll be pushed back down.

    I’m always told “Well then do something about it” like I’m not even trying it hurts that people don’t think I’m trying. I am, but I’m running out of things to try and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong and that bugs me. I analyse each situation: What started it? How did I get myself in that situation? How was I feeling? What did I try to do? What was the result? Did it work? If it didn’t work what can I do to get a different result next time the situation arises? Or what can I not do so that situation doesn’t come up again?

    I’m starting to run out of ideas. And I’m so lost right now.

    I want to write. But I keep getting writers block. Maybe if I get a change of scenery the ideas will come. I live in a dangerous place and don’t have money to travel. I want to travel. Ok but I need money to travel. So I need a job. The ones I’m applying to I haven’t heard back from. The ones I want aren’t available, or I can’t find them. Many jobs require a car. But I don’t have a car. I have the ability to drive. But I don’t have a legal license. How do I get those? I have to take a course and a road test and then buy a car. But all of those cost money. But I don’t have money. So I need a job. Haven’t heard back from jobs. Well then follow your passions. But I have writers block and need a change of scenery. Ok say I got both of those now what. I write. But writing takes time and I have no steady income. Why do I need steady income? Because I have college loans being taken out each month and need the money in my account. Why did you go to college? To get a higher education and open up more jobs for me. How did that work out? Good experience but then the job market slumped so I haven’t had a skilled job since I graduated which looks bad for some employers.

    Tl:dr sorry went off on a rant because I can’t figure out anything anymore and I just want to sleep all the time and not do anything.

  • human July 22, 2016, 6:58 am

    Thank You for writing this, it helps me to identify my problem and being authentic about my situation of being depressed. Depressed is jus a concept put on a feeling so I don’t like to state that I AM depressed. I am a human with complexities and in my case I am a human who have put others in front of myself for a long time. It releases a lot of suppressed emotions that have been pushed down to not cause problems for others. I had a breakdown a couple of years back and started following my dream of doing yoga (not the physical practice, but to feel union with my experience of reality). It felt amazing, but my old habitual patterns caught up with me when I met my current girlfriend. I am now teaching yoga, but I feel stuck in a pattern of pleasing everyone around me and there are so many people around me who want advice and help in their own life that it becomes so hard to be honest about my capacity to teach, share and listen. In my relationship I try to be kind and sweet and listen. I try to put all my efforts in the relationship, but since my personal creative side (what I want to do, how I want to dress, sing, dance and live) is upsetting to my girlfriend, I end up suppressing my “me”. I have no outrageous demands for life. I dress simple, I want to find a teacher to study mire deeply with and to guide me in my meditations, I want to sing in the shower, dance naturally and freely when I dance, and not be told that what I am doing is wrong or not mature. I love my girlfriend, but the consequences of being in this relationship is that I have to suppress these creative desires because it upsets her a lot when she doesn’t like to identify with me when I am like that.. i have now reached a point today were I feel empty, drained and tired. I have been crying so much that my head feels like it is going to clog up and explode from the inside out. My girlfriend wants to be with me all the time, but doesn’t really approve of what makes me – “me”… if You understand. I am not looking for advice, just wanted to write my feelings and tell someone how I feel. I don’t know what to do, but I am afraid of ending another relationship even though I feel it might be the best for the both of us :'(….

  • ma July 22, 2016, 11:42 am

    It doesnt go away.. I did counseling, have a beautiful (religious) family,I lost my connection and wont mention religion.. but it has been one failure after another. Anyone can say take meds, and I do.. but I cant pay the bills, and you do not snap out of it all. I chose a one time nice career but it is horrible now. I dont know where my next dollar is coming from. My wife supports the food. I struggled with these bills 16 years now, and had to move 5 times. Whatever..it’s true, then you see people and kids who are sick.. and terrorism, etc. and feel bad. Gosh it is getting worse..

  • oh well July 23, 2016, 3:07 pm

    I reallly think I do things that me unhappy. Why I don’t know. I put myself down all the time. Yes, I am on antidressants and anxity meds. I have a guy that says he really loves me but I keep pushing him away. I don’t want to be happy or hurt as I have been before.

  • Tori July 23, 2016, 8:11 pm

    I had never heard of “walking depression”. I figured I couldn’t be depressed because I’m active and productive and my face happy when anyone can see it. This is quite the revelation. This describes me perfectly. I wake up and the moment I realize I get a sinking feeling and am immediately really unhappy. I cry in the car while driving and whenever else I get time alone. I hate everything and everyone. I am angry at the world all the time, I think mean about clients, like “They are all jerks” and “They are good for nothing but money.” Nothing is ever fun or good except maybe food but I can’t eat too much of that or I get fat and even more miserable. I talk to myself out loud, when nobody can hear. I shout at myself “come on, let’s go, move your lazy a–” When I am sad too long I say to myself “stop being an idiot that’s enough.” When I make a mistake I say ‘What is wrong with you? How could you be so stupid?” It’s worse lately because my cat got hit by a car recently and I’ve been devastated and hating myself for letting him go outside. Now I”m all alone, that sweet, beautiful, magnificent animal was my constant companion and my only friend, and now he’s dead and it’s my fault for being so irresponsible as to let him roam around outside. It’s that kind of stupidity that causes me so much pain in my life, I make mistakes that cost me so dearly and have to learn everything the hard way. When I talk to myself I say the same kind of things my ex-husband and my mother used to say to me. They took turns hurting me and when he left and she died, instead of feeling free and happy I took over their job and started hurting myself. I got a referral to a psychiatrist and it will be a long wait. I don’t know if it will help, because I won’t take medication. There’s nothing but grief, guilt and loneliness. I don’t drink because I used to drink and could never stop at one or two or ten. Same goes for drugs. No ability to do that in moderation either. Some strains of weed help. I wish I could just stay high all the time but duty calls. Religion is no comfort because I’m an atheist, which also makes death harder to deal with…the finality of it, the one you loved so much has ceased to exist in any form and you will never be reunited, it’s just over. The pain is unbelievable and I don’t want to die, but I just don’t want to live either. I feel like a zombie, stuck between worlds. I wish I could get rid of all my stuff and just walk away from my life completely, go live under an overpass or something. I’m starting to understand why that happens and am very close to just being done with everything. If I just had the courage to live my life in a way that might be happy, things might be different, but I can’t do it because for as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like I was mistake, born to fail and destined to never be liked let alone loved, never have anything work out even a little bit well, never be happy. I wasn’t expecting to be any huge success or to have some big happy normal family or anything but this is so far removed from that…there has to be more to life than this but I can’t find a path to it.

  • Savy July 25, 2016, 2:45 pm

    I completely recognize all of this in myself. But I wish I had the motivation to change. Or even better, to figure out WHAT I have to change.
    It’s hard because it’s not just me, my family and friends around me all feel this way. We don’t talk about it openly but I recognize all these things in them.
    Every day I wake up depressed to a meaningless life. And I think to myself, what if I had nothing. The people I see on the news and media would give an arm and a leg to have my life.
    Maybe I should have everything taken away from me to actually appreciate and value what’s in front of me
    And that makes me even more depressed

  • rhijuma kayasths July 29, 2016, 7:21 pm

    I left my job n all the hobbies just for my husband’s family as their actions forcefully demanded this from me. I left job saying that I was I’ll. However I was I’ll but not that I’ll that I can’t work. But I left for their happiness. Now they are still not happy with or me. They take everything for granted even my husband think the same way. Now I fell like I m lost, I v lost all my respect n hope…what shall I do.

  • Person July 31, 2016, 9:28 am

    I find everyday a challenge and that I am pushing my friends, family and boyfriend away at the same time. All I want to do is be alone but at the same time I hate it, I can never sleep and I feel like the past few days all I have done is cry. I haven’t felt like this in a long time, but all of a sudden it has come back creeping on me worse than ever, I really don’t know what to do.

    • fifi August 8, 2016, 1:24 pm

      Exactly the same thing here :(but I’m happy that this site exists and quite relieved that there are many people in the same situation. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore

  • Simon Harris July 31, 2016, 12:20 pm

    Wow, I’m in tears reading this as my name is Simon and realised everything I e read is about me, I’m 45 with teenage kids and a long term partner of 16 years. I feel so lonely in my life just now and just need some one to put there hand in my shoulder and ask if I’m ok!!! I feel like an accessory in my household at this moment in time, I feel I crave something else from my life but just don’t know what it is!! ( certainly not money )
    I’ve had many dark thoughts just now also but as you described perfectly WALKING DEPRESSION!!
    I want it to go and crave happiness for what days I have left on my life adventure. I’ve recently ditched all social media but people I know now make me feel isolated and even tell me I’m off the rails! “That hurts me inside and makes the dark thoughts about me worse” please smeone help me fix this …….please

    • Jake August 12, 2016, 12:47 am

      I don’t really know where to start. I have so many times in my life when I am completely fine. I am on track to do everything “right” in life. I’m in college studying premed and I’m on my way to become a doctor. I always set high expectations in my life for everything and I have no doubt that I can accomplish them. I feel like my problem is that I constantly am looking foray sort of stimuli that can drown out my anxiety and my fears, that can drown out the sadness and the loneliness. I have a lot of amazing friends who stand by me, yet at the end of the day I feel empty and alone. I wake up and the cycle continues. My dating life is terrible and there are times when I am crippled by fear of rejection even when it doesn’t make sense. I fall asleep in every class and I sometimes try to shut out the things that I know God is telling me to do because I feel incapable and I give up on myself even though I know that He never gives up on me. I always wonder what is wrong with me and why I have self destructive behaviors. I look at depression and anxiety symptoms and don’t match the mold. I go from adrenaline rush to adrenaline rush to hide my real problems and feelings, hoping to keep that high forever. I am very talented and have many skills, yet I lose interest and often ask myself what I am doing with my life. I would never end my life because I know the consequences but some times even though I know my purpose I still wonder what my purpose is. This might not make sense to anyone but I struggle and go unnoticed. I don’t want to say I’m depressed or have depression because I don’t fit the mold and I don’t want to feel that I have a disease because I am normal and excel at whatever I do. I don’t know if this helps anyone or not but I felt I should write my feelings

  • Darren August 1, 2016, 6:39 pm

    I don’t understand the reasons for why I feel depressed. In reality im married with a 1 year old daughter, a reasonable job that doesn’t pay to bad although it does get me down every now and again and a decent house. But besides all of this I don’t get that much enjoyment out of life, every morning I wake up with no interest in doing anything and dreading the fact that ive got to get through another day. I used to have several hobbies and interests but I don’t enjoy doing any of them any more and just can’t seem to get motivated to do anything I used to enjoy. I just really wish I didn’t feel so low all the time, but knowing theres other people that feel the same does take some burden off my shoulders, to know im not alone.

  • Kelly Delos Santos August 1, 2016, 10:55 pm

    Hi my name is Kelly, and I’m 18 years old. I came across your article, and I’m really able to relate to everything. I’ve been struggling to figure out why I’ve been the way I’ve been. I think I’ve been struggling with walking depression for a few years now. However, I think I’m getting to a point where I’m walking towards the edge, and I’m not sure if I really want to be here anymore. Days are getting heavier and nights are getting harder. I hope I can get through this.

  • Walking Dead August 2, 2016, 6:12 am

    I’ve been searching and searching for this very article, without knowing that I was. Thank you. I thought I was alone. I can’t thank you enough.

  • Brandon August 2, 2016, 6:38 am

    I was skeptical that there was a way I could describe how I felt so often and always. I’ve just turned 21 recently, and I am in the Marine Corps. Many times a day I lose focus and continuously question my choices. Even when things are going very well, I feel like I’m wasting away. At night, sleeping becomes trivial, I just lie there and think about the future. It stresses me for hours till I finally pass out from exhaustion. I stumbled upon this article looking for something that could help me out, and this helped me in a way I didn’t expect. Identifying my issues and addressing that I have a problem is the first step for me. Being part of a rough organization like the Marines, it’s natural to tell yourself you’re fine and to keep pushing, but sometimes, in order to stay effective, you just have to admit your issue, and work on it. It’s the only way to get better, I hope I can do this. People depend on me, it’s time I bettered myself for myself, and for others.

  • Joseph August 2, 2016, 9:24 pm

    I sometimes get walking depression, definitely. But what if my situation is actually sort of the opposite? What if I’m depressed BECAUSE I’m a writer? Writing is so alienating and isolating for a variety of reasons. There’s the amount of time you have to spend alone, of course. But there’s also the fact that so few people read these days, there’s no real literary culture. So the more time you spend writing and focusing on literature, the less time you spend focusing on things that could help you relate to people – music, TV, movies, etc. Add a full time job and then you have basically NO time to do these things. I suppose the answer would be to reach out to other writers or go somewhere that has a literary scene (like NYC) but I’m skeptical of that. It seems like even if you do meet other writers, the chances that they’ll understand what you’re going for, have the same influences and same cultural reference points, is rather slim. So what should I do? Do I give up my dream, the thing that gives my life meaning? (Or at least, I think it does.)

  • Sharon August 3, 2016, 7:56 am

    Glad I found this site. I will be getting your book. I am middle aged, have been depressed for many years. I’ve sought help, last psychiatrist said that I had no reasons to feel depressed, but keep giving me meds which don’t work and I stop taking. I have no kids, fairly successful, able to buy almost anything I want, and something has always been missing. I have left a job, relationship, sold house & car thinking these things were the source of my unhappiness, but now I am worse off. I’m unsure of my purpose and do not feel that I am bringing value to anyone. I’m very musically creative but can barely remember my music anymore, I feel that my mind cannot allow me to reach the point of freedom to create and the freedom to be whatever or whoever I was supposed to be. Thanks for the post, I don’t know how to change my life but I know that it has to change and sites like this help.

  • olivia August 5, 2016, 10:42 am

    I have walking depression, along with high anxiety. It feels like a huge weight on my shoulders when it gets bad, I have to use all my energy to not just cry beacuse I have no reason to cry. I have a loving boyfriend and a great life, just some days its hard. I feel like calling in to work saying I can’t make it, because all I want to do is cry.

  • Charlotte August 7, 2016, 7:51 am

    I came across this because I typed into Google ‘why do I feel so fucking unhappy’. This is how I feel most of the time. I am a single Mum with 3 children, 16, 13 and 7. I work full time and I just feel so down all the time. I go to work, I smile all day at people, I come home, walk the dogs, cook tea, do all the Mum stuff, but I feel as if I don’t enjoy anything and that makes me feel guilty and like I’m a rubbish Mum. I’m quite grumpy most of the time ? I took my youngest to the park a few days ago with a friend and I just felt like I wanted to come home and sleep.

  • Gail August 7, 2016, 3:43 pm

    I wake up every day disappointed that I actually woke up. I would never commit suicide, I have a family that rely on me and I try so hard to make the most of my life. I am booking extravagant holidays so far in the future trying to find something to look forward to but I am not getting excited about any of it.

    I have previously been diagnosed with depression and taken drugs to balance it out but I live abroad now and it is so expensive to see a private doctor and the national health service ones don’t speak english. Besides I find that the drugs take out the highs as well as the lows.

    There is no actual reason for my depression, there is nothing to change in my life that would make a difference, I know it is just me.

    We have a friend who is bipolar and I am convinced my brother is too by his behaviour, perhaps I am a little also. I know these feelings will pass I just have to get through the rough times first.

  • Heather August 8, 2016, 6:48 am

    Exactly how I feel ?

  • melissa bruhn August 9, 2016, 6:49 pm

    I am so exhausted for one, i work a full time job, i come home and cook and clean. I have a 2 yr old and 13 yr old. I also have a boyfriend that works full time job. But i do all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, pay the bills, laundry etc. I am wore out physically and mentally. I feel like i have no support here. I break down and cry.. bc i cant handle it all. I do it all..my son helps me sometimes, but for the most part I DO IT!! i just wanna scream most days..

  • Jacob. August 11, 2016, 8:36 pm

    all the signs ring true rn especially the sleeping one. but what can I really do to get rid of it. will it go away over time?

  • dispatch August 12, 2016, 9:48 am

    I’m a 61 year old man. Yesterday I had that reoccurring feeling of wanting to cry, for no reason. I found this site and read through the comments trying to find a remedy for why this happens to me. I’ve been living with this, as well as social anxiety for most of my life, from what I’ve been able to determine. From an early age I would mask my anxiety and feelings with alcohol and drug use. I was able to hold jobs, get married (31 years now), have children, buy a house … all the outside appearances of being a well adjusted, normal person. But, I quit smoking pot and eventually quit drinking. That’s when the mask came off and I became socially withdrawn with feelings and symptoms of depression. My wife convinced me to get help, so I went to a psychiatrist …long story short, I tried all of the medication that he prescribed, all the “name brand” anti-depressants … we were trying to find one that would work. I became kind of disillusioned after years of this trial and error method …chose one that seemed to take that edge off when I felt that depressing feeling creeping in …but, I wasn’t satisfied. It wasn’t eliminating my depression …just band-aiding it. Anyways, I should feel like the luckiest guy on the planet … have a wonderful wife, great, successful kids …and, for some reason …they love me. I’m the kind of guy that when my wife or children are having a tough time, I, somehow, know just the right things to say to make them feel better. But, I can’t seem to help me. I’ve stopped taking the meds …as they only seemed to make me more tired than I wanted to be … I mean, dealing with the depression and anxiety wears me out enough … I didn’t need anything else added to make me even more tired. I stopped going to the psychiatrist also, as it seemed all he wanted to do was spend 15 minutes with me, write me a prescription for more meds and send me on my way. Most of my visits I wanted to talk things out … you know, maybe reach some kind of “break through” …but, that never happened. So, here I am … on this site. I’ve read quite a few of these comments, especially the younger kids that are writing in…life can be really tough and seem overwhelming sometimes…and then when you add depression and anxiety on top of that …it’s a lot. I wish I could talk with each and every one of you …maybe together we could help find you a solution that would help you feel happy …at least for one day …and maybe, who knows, we could each find that thing, that trick that when we feel that sad feeling coming on we would know how to defeat it. But, since that isn’t possible, I want to share something that has been, kind of, working for me. My son told me about a video on youtube called “the secret” … there’s also books by the author as well … anyway, it talks about the “law of attraction” … kind of like the karma thing that people talked about in my younger days. It goes like this, if you send out positive thoughts, positive things will be attracted to you … so, it works the other way too … if you are thinking negative thoughts, you will only attract negative things. I don’t know if this will work for you or help you get through those sad days … it doesn’t always work for me … but, sometimes it does … I don’t know if the “law of attraction” is a real thing or not … it doesn’t matter … what matters is … trying your best to have good thoughts … great thoughts. All I know is that when I do try this, when I do actually focus on having good thoughts … I feel somewhat, if not, much better. So, anyways, there you have it … I feel better already just having written this and sending it on … hopefully someone will read it , try it and feel better too. Best of luck … and hang in there kid.

  • Ellie August 13, 2016, 3:19 pm

    Thank you for helping me feel less alone.

  • Thomas August 13, 2016, 6:47 pm

    Wow, every paragraph i read i had to go back and read it again beacuase everything you wrote i can relate to. I dont have much to say nor do i ever comment on any website i didnt even put my real name becuase im embarresed but i wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us.

  • Janice French August 14, 2016, 6:23 pm

    How can I say anything that makes any more sense or difference that what you’ve said? I know I have depression. I know I don’t take enough time for myself and my creative projects (my main love, acting, I haven’t done for over 2 years). I merely exist. On top of it, I am a caregiver for elderly parents, one with dementia… I fail daily due to my depression. I get so overwhelmed that all I can do is take a long nap to escape, and I awake to feel that I’ve wasted time. I end the day thinking I’ve accomplished very little. My husband calls me a hero, but I don’t see it. I just feel like I can barely tread water, and that I – the I that is me – is lost, and I may not regain myself for a long time. I cannot quit because I am depended on, but I feel inadequate.

  • Jake August 14, 2016, 11:06 pm

    Whenever I heard about someone committing suicide , I used to tell myself that i will never take such a drastic step. But as the days pass, the urge to escape kindles into a fiery blaze . I can relate to all these symptoms mentioned here-above. I spent my childhood in a hill station. There were forests, abandoned mansions and brooks. Me and my friend used to hang out there. I had the perfect childhood.
    I was a meritorious student, always made my parents proud. But, now I’m stuck with an average job. My parents are well off but I can not gift them an expensive car .
    I had a friend in college. She was my best friend and by the time our college got over, we fell in love with each other. She was a nice girl. Things were going well but it all ended . I saw her after a few years and she said that we could have been together. But, we aren’t.
    I went to India a few years back and met a fortune teller. He said i will have “negative happiness” in life .It means i will lead a life without any great sorrow. But I could have been better. I could have gotten myself a better job. I could have been with my true love. I could have made my parents happy.
    I really want to escape.

  • R. August 15, 2016, 9:12 am

    I’m already on medication. I have been for years. But I still wake up every morning feeling overwhelmingly sad. I cry most mornings. By afternoon I feel a lot better, but then the next day, sad again. I don’t even know WHY. I have nothing to be sad about. My life is really GOOD. But I can’t shake it. I can’t talk myself out of it. I’m just… stuck.

  • Anna Torres August 16, 2016, 2:50 am

    I am suicidal. I am 38. I am actually crying now. It’s pathetic because I know I won’t have the courage or means to do it…from the outside am still functioning but people close to me see…my room is a pig pen. I am lazy. But I go to work everyday. I just lost my spark about – year ago…I underwent major life changes…I just want it all to end.

  • Fajar August 16, 2016, 4:50 am

    thank you. even if ur article do not stop or decrease my hatred to my Self and my sadness. but at least. thank you so much. thank you to try understand people like me. people with feeling that something wrong inside me. and we r growing up together

  • Sarah Rivera August 16, 2016, 3:44 pm

    I grew up abused by my father. He was An alcoholic. Every morning when he woke up, he had one cup of coffee and straight to beer. One after another. By noon he’d be so drunk he’d just start screaming at my sister and I to fetch his beers. If we were too slow or didn’t hear him, we got beat. We got beat for every little thing. Even things we didn’t do. He denies it all and claims he doesn’t remember, which could be true because he was drunk off his ass.

    School was always my getting away and I was afraid of coming home. weekends were my worst nightmare and I often cried on the bus on the way home Friday’s because I knew he got off work about the time I got home. What if he found something I did wrong when he got home before I could fix or hide it?
    My mom divorced him and left when I was 3 so it was just me and my sister. We both would take blames for each other sometimes so the other wouldn’t have to take the beatings. My mom could no longer stand hearing us in so much pain. While she was there, she used to take the blame for all her kids so he would take it out on her and not us.

    I’m 22 now. I like to think that I’ve fully recovered from my childhood but today I realize more than ever that I haven’t. I can’t verbally speak to anyone when I’m scared or hurt. I have massive trust issues and men intimidate the hell out of me. So much so that to this day, I still won’t go out in public alone. I have a couple times before and I was scared and moved so fast it made me clutzy. I never made eye contact.

    A few days ago I celebrated my 22nd anniversary. Or at least I think I did. My husband is in the military. We are stationed out away from both of our friends and family. I’ve become so depressed that I can’t talk to anyone at all. I feel numb to emotions most of the time but sometimes just bust out in tears. I quit my job, I have 0 energy, 0 motivation, no drive, my interests are interesting anymore. For our anniversary I wanted to go to six flags. Rollar coasters used to give me such a thrill but when we went last week, even the craziest rides gave me no adrenaline rush at all.

    Since the day we got married, we’ve tried religiously to get pregnant. My mom had 6 kids so easily so I never imagined having trouble.
    If we had gotten pregnant when we started trying, our son or daughter would be 3 months. But here I am, visiting military doctors who are in no hurry to help me. The infertility Doctor ran a test on me revealing I have a blocked tube so it will be even more difficult for me.

    Since I was 15, I decide if I’m going to be anything or be good at anything In this world, it’s being a mom. I’ve had more of a passion for that than anything in my life. That was my drive and what I fed off of to keep going.

    It’s not looking so good anymore. Now I’m looking into adoption but that could take years.
    At this rate in not sure I have that long considering the amount I consider suicide. I feel useless and like I have no reason to live any longer. Something that’s kept me going these last few years is seeming more and more impossible. I’ve overcome a lot in my life but no birthing my own child is something I feel I can’t live without doing.

    I’ve been 9 months in this new place with no friends or family. I’ve talked to no one but my husband (and I don’t talk to him about this kind of stuff anymore, I never could).

    i can hardly sleep anymore and when I do, i HARDLY get REM sleep. I’ve stopped caring. I want things to all turn around and I really want to be motivated and have all my energy and love for myself and others back but I just feel I’m too far in to turn around. I’m not sure what to do anymore at this point. I really want to give up.

    Some would say I’m being a baby. I’ve been through a lot in my life. I didn’t ever think I’d allow myself to live to 18 but here I am. 22 and I still don’t want to be here.

    I’m tired of hearing that I’m so smart and full of potential and should go back to college and work. I know all these things I NEED to be doing but I sit on the couch and lay here day after day. I don’t Even want to grocery shop anymore. Basic tasks I don’t do.

    And if anyone does read this, if you are an alcoholic (and to those of you who drink and get drunk but swear you aren’t one), alcohol is dangerous. It’s toxic to your body and your family. I will forever be scarred by what my father put my through and have so much trouble opening up to people because I was threatened to be whipped and beat black and blue if I did talk to people. I’ve had CPS strip me of my clothes entirely to take pictures of my black and blue covered body. My dad started drinking when he was 16 and told me that he used to tell himself he would never be addicted. His parents treated him the same way. And he used to tell himself he would NEVER be like them. Alcohol made him just like them. Please, if you are that type of parent, re-read my story because abuse, especially caused from alcohol, is so traumatizing and ruins relationships. I will never be close to my dad and it makes me so jealous to see girls bonding so well with their parents. I grew up without my mom and without someone I felt I could talk to. It causes problems for more than just yourself. I wanted so badly to run away but was more afraid of being found.

    • Sarah August 16, 2016, 3:47 pm

      Wow I’m not sure how that happened. I just celebrated my 1st * anniversary.

  • EMILY August 18, 2016, 4:44 pm

    I HAVE NEVER BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ANY KIND OF DEPRESSION EXCEPT POST PARDUM YEARS AGO. SOME DAYS I FEEL GREAT AND CAN DO ANYTHING FOR HOURS BUT SOME DAYS I JUST WANT TO SLEEP ALL DAY AND THEN WHEN I WAKE UP I FEEL TERRIBLY GUILTY THAT I DIDNT GET ANYTHING DONE. IM SURE SOME OF IT HAS TO DO WITH MY CYCLE BUT IM NOT SURE COMPLETELY ABOUT THAT. MY DAD HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH BI-POLAR AND MY AUNT ALSO. THEY BOTH SELF MEDICATE BUT THEY BOTH SEEM TO BE SURVIVING IN THEIR OWN WAYS. I DONT DO THAT MAYBE BECAUSE I HAVENT GOTTEN TO THAT POINT YET OR MAYBE BECAUSE MY KIDS ARE TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND, IM NOT SURE. WHEN I START TO FEEL SAD I CRY AND CRY AND SLEEP AND CRY IM NOT SURE BUT IT JUST HELPS ME FEEL BETTER TO BE ALONE AND CRY. SOMETIMES I WILL CRY TO MY HUSBAND BUT ALL HE CAN DO FOR ME IS TELL ME THE SAME STUFF OVER AND OVER. HES JUST MY SHOULDER TO CRY ON. I DONT HAVE FRIENDS. HE IS MY ONLY ONE. AND MOST THE TIME THAT DOES MAKE ME MORE SAD BUT ITS A LIFE I HAVE CHOSE FOR MYSELF. I CHOOSE NOT TO HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE FROM WORK I CHOOSE NOT TO CALL MY STEP-SISTERS ON A REGULAR BASIS. AND I KNOW I SHOULDNT DO THAT BUT I FEEL I ONLY NEED MY FAMILY. MY HUSBAND CANT HELP ME MAKE FRIENDS ALL HE CAN DO IS TRY TO ENCOURAGE ME TO PUT MYSELF OUT THERE.

  • Angie August 18, 2016, 5:16 pm

    I feel it really difficult to acknowledge my feelings.
    I feel I grew up in an atmosphere where there was too much judgement on each everything like what to say what not to say, whats right and whats not. I was never able to relate to normal kids in school though I had 3-4 friends. They wanted me to be doctor but I could not clear the entrance exam. I was unable to study and basically spent 2yrs of my life daydreaming pretending to study in my room, there was no other joy in my life. When I finally went to college took me a lot of time to move on and be able to normalize somehow I finished college learning new joys of life like travelling and weed. I started making friends but days together I will stop stepping out my house meet anyone then again start to socialize. I started feeling I am ok and all I need to do is make money and I will be happy and successful but no. I was and still am very conscious of myself and awkward socially. I feel lost in my mind constantly calculating and analyzing things going on around me afraid that every word that comes out of mouth will be judged. I stopped saying much apart from the very essential, Inevitably it lead to people getting their way around me pretty easily and I felt people and the world is really unfair . It further made me angry with the world and made me more isolated. Change came when I quit smoking pot and went abroad for a holiday and experienced that people can be very polite and life could be much better if one has the enthusiasm to live and contribute. Recently I am able to acknowledge my fears and feeling better than before. At least I know its me and not the world which needs to be fixed. I keep talking to myself too much and that is the problem, always judging and worrying. Really want to get out of this mindset but keep falling back.

  • Lamb August 18, 2016, 6:40 pm

    I remember being 10 years old and wanting to die, I couldn’t bear to exist for one more minute in this world, in my life. 21 years later I have felt the exact same way every day. I still worked my way through school, go to work, make money, volunteer, exercise etc. I am good at faking it but inside I am either numb or sad all the time. I can’t wait to be alone because it is exhausting, but when I am home I am the most conscious. Nothing has ever helped me with this. I don’t know why I am commenting here, just saying I don’t think there is always a solution. I get some solace through my faith that someday I will be free of this, but that seems a long way off.

  • G. A. B. August 19, 2016, 1:43 am

    I found this article while – dare I say it- Googling “why do I feel so unhappy”. I look at my life and realise just how blessed I am but sadness just keeps rearing it’s nasty head out of nowhere and I can’t understand why.
    My morning Nescafe is my highlight … I drive eagerly to work just to prepare and drink it (i thought I was weird but u mentioned it here). I work 1 full time job 8 – 2.30 then I have a part time job after work and on going free lance projects. I have anever 18 month old beautiful daughter who is my Sunshine! I am still breastfeeding her and started the bad habit of cosleeping the past few months after I was exhausted from 12 months of no sleep to 2 hour sleep nights. I feel guilty for not being those on top of it moms who has a child that sleeps through the night in their own bed in their own room and is potty trained. I am proud of breastfeeding for so long but the pressures and having to explain myself to everyone and justify and pump at work… well it’s exhausting and no-one really understands that. I recently lost alot of weight and am back to my previous wedding weight. I was so happy but now it doesn’t bring me joy anymore which I don’t understand why. I have work block for weeks then have a bread through of productivity and creativity working well and motivated for like a week 6am – 12am non stop then I spiral down to procrastination and lack of focus. I just had a 5 day vacation in July and I am already dreaming of travelling which is impossible until next summer. I am envious of those free to travel the world, partying, carefree friends… and feel guilty for feeling sad when I have soo much to be grateful for. I love my husband, he is my biggest motivator but also one of my harshest critics. He is amazing but has a temper which is a little tiring. My daughter is the light, the sunshine, everything beautiful in this world. But I am always plagued with the fear of not spending enough time with her or playing with her or not raising her right. I also feel hopeless since I’m not in control for hours during the week when I’m at work. There are so many other factors too but I won’t list them all. All I know is day in day out I find myself asking myself and so what? What does this all mean? What was the purpose of this day? Everything I do… what does it matter? Nothing. On my bad days like after an argument with my husband or when my daughter prefers my in-laws instead of me because I was late at work I find myself asking myself if the world would be better off without me… this is a brutally honest and thus anonymous comment… but this article helped me realise that maybe I’m the walking depressed.

  • Charles August 19, 2016, 8:13 am

    GURLLLL I CANT EVEN, LIKE NUH YOU CAN NAWT BORROW MY LIPSTICK. THANK YAH VERY MUCH. LIKE, FORREAL. STACEY I TOLD YOU THOSE LEGGING DONT LOOK GOOD, LIKE, WITH THAT BLOUSE. LIKE, WHAT EVEN.

  • Rose August 21, 2016, 2:35 pm

    This is how I feel too. So deeply unhappy I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I have no idea what I want out of life so no idea how to help myself. Half the time it feels like I only ever feel angry, sad, scared or just nothing, just feeling numb. I have really bad anxiety problems too which makes it really hard to talk to people. It’s stopped me living my life properly. I go to work and stuff and everyone thinks I’m fine. No one would ever know. I don’t really have many friends because I just don’t know how to talk to people. It’s just feels like ‘why am I here? What’s the point? I have nothing to live for? And it feels like I’m slowing falling apart inside. I don’t know what to do. thought maybe I should finally go to the doctors but I’m too scared.

  • David August 22, 2016, 1:10 am

    I have always I believe suffered with various depressive bouts. They have varied in strength and duration. They have also caused me to act in a self destructive manner too. Despite me knowing and understanding to a certain extent, that I am depressed I have been unable to communicate it to anyone. I have feeling very down for about a month now and i am able to recognize the symptoms. My irrational irritation with friends and family is always a warning sign for me. This particular bout of feeling hopeless is as bad as I can recall. I have actively considered suicide for a few weeks now. I haven’t told my wife or family this and i don’t know how to without causing panic. I am 53 years old and don’t want this to go on any longer. I actually think that the reason I haven’t done anything is that I could not bear the pain I would cause my children. I am also sure the very act of writing this means I know i need help but it doesn’t make it any easier to seek.

  • Mark August 25, 2016, 3:15 am

    It is not easy to admit it, but reading this had made me think a lot. Had a very strange feeling for the past two years or so but thought no one could understand me so never spoke to anyone about it. I feel that I cannot feel happy in situations where anyone around is happy, so have no feelings whatsoever it is going around me. Could not explain this in any way, but I think that I need to do something about it. Not sure if this happened around my 40th birthday, but most probably it has to do something. Agree with what I have read here, it is not easy to seek help and keep trying harder to keep going.

  • Austin August 25, 2016, 9:55 pm

    It’s weird talking about myself. I don’t want to come across prideful or self-important or self-centered or any of that. I know there are people that have it way worse and I should be grateful for what I have and who’s in my life. There are people that rely on me to be a strong figure, to keep my head up and keep going even when things aren’t optimal. I have people all around me who do love me and who do care about me almost all the time, but for some reason it makes me feel worse. I feel sad and lonely and I dislike myself a little more every day, and it makes me angry because I have NO reason for any of it. I should be better than this! I don’t want to talk to anyone about my feelings because I can never get the words just right when I’m talking and frankly that makes it their problem and why would I ever want to burden someone else with this garbage when I can barely handle it myself? It feels selfish to talk about my feelings and MY problems and MY emotions and MY thoughts and I’m not a selfish person, or at least I try very hard not to be. I don’t know what to do. It’s easy to put a smile on and pretend that life is great and tell everyone I’m fine and the world’s fine and they can be fine, but at the end of the day I don’t feel like any of that is true. I wonder if actually being alone might be better, so I can detox out of view of everybody and get on with my life but as I said, I am ALWAYS around somebody, be they my family (who I don’t want to burden by making them think I’m sad or that they make me sad) or my friends (who I also don’t want to see me sad as they’ll think its a reflection on them). Everywhere I look, there’s no right answer. It’s all a giant catch 22 and I don’t know how much more I can take it.

  • MCampbell August 26, 2016, 1:38 pm

    I’ve had anxiety since I was six with bouts of depression spread thick in there too. I’m thirty now, and everything you wrote makes so much sense. On the days that don’t seem as bad I try to tell myself it’s not depression. Luckily two days ago on a bad day and I pushed forward and made a doctor appointment. Something I’ve been needing to do for years but couldn’t bring myself to do. I keep thinking two more days, two more days. I know medicine takes much longer than that to kick in but I am expecting to feel a relief after talking with a doctor. I still wonder (since I’ve been this way for so long) is recovery actually possible…? Perhaps we will see.

  • Anonymous August 26, 2016, 11:13 pm

    This is the definition of single motherhood for me right now. After 6 years of doing it alone, being strong, counting my blessings, not comparing etc, I am just exhausted and angry and bitter and resentful. A place I have battled so hard to stay away from, but the last few weeks its just too hard. Why do people around me have it so easy and my life is so relentlessly hard. So much striving and so little reward. I love my child so much but life seems pointless, joyless. I am suffering social anxiety, generalised anxiety and stress and am so angry that single mothers try so hard and end up in this place. Regarded as losers and outsiders, the taxed nots, thanks Scott Morrison. I feel like living as a recluse somewhere and just giving up the pretence.

  • vincent August 27, 2016, 11:17 am

    I was cheated on with someone I really loved. She cheated on me with my best friend. He was like a brother to me. I found out that they were with each other while I was at work & other times. This went on for 5 years most of our relationship. She told me I never knew. But I cant move on there is just so much they did I cant get over. I feel like they wasted me life. So all I want to do is die. I will never be happy again. My kids will be made fun of cause of their mother. And were just not a family anymore. Our life sucks…

  • domingo August 28, 2016, 6:41 pm

    I realised i was depressed when they put my sister in suicide watch. She was strong, cheerful and loved her dog more than anything in the world. But she was still sad, she still had to seek out help, and whats worse is I think my parents resented her for it, they complained about her attitude behind her back and when she was around they pretended like nothing was wrong.
    That’s why I made Daniel. Daniel is the worst part of everyone, nobody likes him or wants to be around him, and he likes it. He thinks being sad or depressed makes him better, wiser than everyone else. But he’s not, he’s a selfish bastard that can’t bring himself to change or do anything worthwhile for anyone.
    And he is me.

  • Ally August 29, 2016, 6:35 am

    If I am being completely honest, I have felt some type of depression for the better part of ten or eleven years…could be longer. I try every day to be perfect in everything I do. I am a mother of two beautiful daughters and in a relationship with a man who for some reason chooses to love me. I have a lot of fears and regrets and failures I have held onto for a long time. I’ve tried several times to go talk to someone and I never continue for more than a couple of sessions. I don’t want to feel like a failure in life, but its how I honestly feel. I see all these people around me who look happy and I just want to feel that. I would like to believe at some point I was happy but I don’t know how that would even feel now. I feel ashamed because so many other people in this world have much bigger struggles and I can’t seem to make it with these small issues I have. I struggle daily with accepting who I am and even more so with loving the person I am. This affects everyone that is around me and I just wish nothing more than to be happy. I haven’t overcome a terrible disease, or suffered an immediate loss in my family, or even fought in a war for my country. I am just a girl who cant seem to get past the darkness and find peace with myself.

  • anonymouse August 30, 2016, 10:01 am

    I just tried to uncover my guilt over 3 years. I’m not killing someone, but I just broken people trust and they endup frame me and put all the blame to me. Now I remain silent and asking my existency in this earth. Tonight, I tried to calm down myself and meditate. But I end up crying. I even can’t crying loudly. When I feel desperate, I endup crying. It keep happening and I even in mid of crying, i hardly breath just to make sure nobody hear me crying. I feel that some part of my body show regretful, and I even can do anything with all this feeling. I realized I was covered by my own sadness. And loneliness. For being isolated from my own friend. From being rejected and one side love. From receiving workplace bullying and fail at my first career. For inability to earn some money. For my incapability to know what I want. I lost more weight but my eating ability still normal. I take so many days why I become this and being like that. When I want to try this why I end up step back. Then, i take many days, just to consider what I truely want. Realize, I can’t sit and waiting. Due isolating myself, I learn again. Read more book. Create something. Manage myself. It takes time. It was my 100days challenges.

  • Abdul August 31, 2016, 11:15 am

    I’ve always been depressed because i never be myself as i am gay! my family and society would never accept me, so i am always not me! and that is making me so depressed and prevent to meet people so i do not have to fake my personality or the person i am. Even my parents i rarely talk to them and they noticed that and it is really concerning them, but i can not tell them the truth! that would never ever accept it! So that is what is making me so depressed.

  • Anonymous September 1, 2016, 12:47 am

    I have never been diagnosed with depression, but for sometime now I have had the reason to believe that perhaps maybe I am depressed even though I have not seen a doctor about it (I’ve never really told anyone about how I feel about myself deep down inside). I work with kids that suffer from mental illness (depression included) and I try to help them the best that I can, but for some reason I can’t seem to get over my own problems, which sucks because I really have a passion for the way people think and act, but I can’t seem to reach that goal (of being a “professional counselor”) because I don’t really have the motivation to follow my dream…

  • anonymous September 1, 2016, 5:55 pm

    I feel like I just want to cry everyday at the moment I had a baby 4 weeks ago but a couple of days ago I found messages on my partners phone to other girls and he says it wasn’t nothing like that but I can’t help but think it’s more than that and I don’t feel good enough anymore and hate the way I look now don’t know what is wrong with me now all I want to do is cry and Sit in a corner on my own.

  • Brooke September 1, 2016, 9:16 pm

    I just randomly feel sad all the time and like I’m going to school for nothing and I hate it.

  • Solitary September 2, 2016, 11:14 am

    Lately, I’ve been feeling like trying to connect with people is more trouble than it is worth. I walk away feeling even more misunderstood and isolated than when I went into it. Listening is an act of love. When people talk over you or try to finish your thoughts or even when they interpret a different meaning than your intention and thus fail to ask a question to clarify… all of these things communicate a lack of love, or at least, a lack of investment on the participant. I can’t remember the last time someone asked how I was or what I meant by something. I can’t remember the last time someone seemed to care what I thought. I am alone in every way I can imagine, and I’ve tried to connect, but I just withdraw more and more from people every time I try to socialize. I can’t relate to anyone. I seem to be valued by others only so much as I am useful to them… and goodness-forbid I should ever need something from someone else.

  • Dominique Scott September 4, 2016, 12:50 am

    I feel this way every single day. I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I have two beautiful kids and a fiancee who lives me and tries to support me through my mood swings but I wake up everyday dreading the day. Sometimes I get so irritated with people at work that I can feel myself grinding my teeth even when they’ve done nothing to me. My only reprieve is when I’ll have an occasional glass of wine or other natural remedies. My fiancé smiles when he sees happy. I wish I could be happy for him more. I try and I feel like I’m putting on a mask to fool my family, friends and co-workers. No one really knows. They can tell something is off but they can’t see the depth of my unhappiness. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

  • Lyndha September 6, 2016, 11:01 am

    Where do I start? Once upon a time I felt that I could do anything. I got a law degree and found out I am ADD. I came to Florida for the law degree at age 50. I have no children and no marriage. I have a history, if you will, of being a woman pioneer on the technical side of Broadcasting & Film. Those days are gone. I was going to self-publish 3 years ago, but have not been able to complete the payments or write. It was weird. I and my boyfriend had a business together. We could do tax returns, but that was not his real interest. He wanted to do deals. Our last big deal was in 2010. So here we are…. I do all of it while he continues on his merry way “chasing money”. I have to get out of this. I am very depressed. I snarl and I have 20 cats about whom I should be writing! I do write about them on Facebook. I tried to start a Blog. Most of my time has been spent dutifully taking care of him. I am so glad I found you. I am unsure as to what I may expect as a 70 yr. old child who is looking toward walking again. I am so scared sometimes, then other times, I know that there is no other way! I must walk. I must find my path and my Windmill!!!

  • Moz September 6, 2016, 12:47 pm

    I feel so sad and defeated. I am lost. On the surface my life looks great, but I often think of the sanctuary of death.

  • Nivekk September 7, 2016, 1:14 am

    i say to myself everyday that I don’t know what to do and I’ll probably never be shit..

  • Kb September 7, 2016, 9:55 pm

    I find myself, constantly questioning every thing I do. Ask myself why I push people why, why I’m so angry all the time… So tired. So mind numbingly tired. I don’t have trouble with mornings, it’s when I get home from my full time job, and have full time classes. I feel so alone and lately I’ve been questioning if I can really ever be happy, I just feel like I’m one of those people, incapable of being truly happy.

  • Magic Rainbow Elf September 8, 2016, 6:19 am

    I have all but one of those symptoms, should i see a doctor or something? I’ve wanted to for a while but my family would probably tell me to get my head out if my ass, idk what to do.

  • -Nathan empey September 8, 2016, 10:12 pm

    I find myself an odd case. Most of these symptoms ring true in my head but there are others that are somewhat contradictory. I blame other people for shaping my mind the way it is. I pride myself on not having enemies because I observe and then become that which I see. I believe this is why. Over time, most of the people I converse with being depressed, has made me depressed. Now little things people do pisses me off to no end. I have ideas for inventions, but I do not progress them further because I either assume other people wont find it useful, or it just won’t work.

  • surbhi pathak September 9, 2016, 1:54 am

    Hi Alison. That was a lovely article. I could related to every point that you mentioned. Specially about the feeling of ‘wasting your life’. Youve explained it very beautifully. Id also like to know what happened after that trip? Please let me know a way to contact you personally.
    Thankyou
    Surbhi

  • Nick September 9, 2016, 7:42 am

    Jeez i was surfing around and found this,. i can hardly breathe reading it, i don’t fit your profile, but your profile fits me. The facade rings so true,.
    Nobody likes a wmp tho,. Especially if you are a 59 year old hetrosexual man,. So its likely to perpetuste till the day i die.
    Nice to read that others struggle daily walking depressed,. Thankyou.

  • Amy September 11, 2016, 2:20 am

    My daughter (12 years old) said to me this evening “You are never happy.” She is right. I can’t remember when I last felt happy. I have tried but it hasn’t been here for years. In the last few days I only wanted to cry. I am tired of putting on a face, tired of struggling to get through every day things, and tired of going through the same motions. As a single mom of twins, I am realizing this is having a major impact on my daughters. And I don’t want them to just remember me like this.

  • Kathleen A Roan September 11, 2016, 10:15 am

    I’ve always felt different
    Mt grandmother used to call me ‘ finely tuned’
    I can feel things in a way other people can’t. I feel other peoples emotions too.
    Its a living hell
    Even as a child I can remember feeling strange some days as if someone had switched the light off in my head and a simple thing like a song on the radio or a trip out somewhere different from usual would make me feel low and completely on edge and detached from myself fie days on end.
    It was like living in a weird feverish dream except i wasn’t asleep.
    I’m on meds. They don’t really help.
    Thanks for listening.
    Hopefully there are people out there who understand.
    x

  • Richard B. September 11, 2016, 4:57 pm

    I lost my whole family. My kids to CPS because my wife was mentally unstable and I didn’t seem protective enough. My relationship with my personal family and even my dogs of 9 years. Everything was torn from me and now no matter what I do, who I date; I’m very unhappy.

    I often want to just end it all but I want to be there for my kids later on in their life. I’m tried of waking up and going to work just so I can come back to this empty apartment and cry and wish it would all just end. I want to be happy again.

  • Christina September 11, 2016, 8:44 pm

    This is me too. So much of it, except I go to sleep with the hope of not waking up. I don’t know what would make me happy. I mostly feel I don’t deserve to be happy. Some long ago wrong I committed that I think mostly has to do with just living. I tell myself daily how rotten I am and then I’m surprised when anyone is kind to me. I feel so horribly sad I think how much more of this can I take? I still work – 2 jobs – and I find working keeps my head from thinking all the bad stuff. I seem to look forward to very little. I look around me at the happy peoplr and wish I were like them but I quickly remind myself, I don’t deserve to be happy. I have no one to talk to, family is limited and could care less and friends feel more like acquaintences. I feel like this is it. This Is my life.
    I don’t know how to change.

  • Cheyenne September 11, 2016, 8:48 pm

    I happened across this when I was trying to figure out why I’ve been feeling both content and sad at the same time lately. I used to suffer from chronic depression since I was nine after my grandmother died from breast cancer. Things only seemed to go further downhill as the years went by, up to the point where I tried to kill myself in the middle of 8th grade year. All of my bottled up anger and loneliness and sadness combined with my worst insecurities and drove me to the cliff, and I nearly jumped (metaphorically speaking. Jumping off a cliff was not how I tried to kill myself, it was by hanging). I realized I was becoming the person my parents and therapist feared I was gonna become, the person I swore I wasn’t and never would be. That was my moment of clarity.

    Even with a therapist to talk to weekly, I still believed that no one could help me, so I chose to fight my demons by myself. I made a side note of everything she or anyone else told me, and decided to see for myself what would and wouldn’t help me. I was able to find tranquility in music. Unfortunately, I don’t mean playing an instrument. I would plug my earphones in and lose myself in my imagination. Either I would be trying to calm my negative thoughts or emotions, or just simply trying to imagine myself in a much happier place. Listening to music is like a drug to me now, an addiction I don’t wish to overcome. The more I think about it, I think listening to the stories in these songs helps me accept the troubles I’m facing or used to face, and helps me to move on from them. And that seemed to work for awhile 🙂 up until now…

    When I started my sophomore year of high school, I believed that I had been one of the few that had walked away and beaten chronic depression. That I had found the light at the end of the tunnel. I had friends that felt like family, I got into writing stories, I got back into tune with my drawing, my grades picked back up, and I was getting along with my family. I was happy. Or so I thought…the truth is though, I don’t really know if what I’m about to say next is even worth writing. Maybe I’m just being an emotional teenager who needs to grow up. I don’t know…

    Anyways, I’m a junior now and I’m starting to think that my life isn’t as great as I believed it became. Yes, I get along with my family, and things are all okay. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our bellies, money in the bank. Enough said, right? Makes my complaining sound selfish? Well, I couldn’t help but notice that I wasn’t as close to my friends as I believed I was. Since I live in my head a majority of the time, I don’t exactly keep track of what goes on. Like, they’ll be talking about some great band or music group, and I would say “who?”. They would look at me like I was an alien that just beamed out of nowhere. I was quite humiliated once when they reacted rather loudly in the school cafeteria after learning that I knew practically nothing about DC or Marvel or anything related. I get that I live under a rock, but I feel that sometimes they can be a bit insensitive with their reactions. I don’t know many rappers, movie actors, movies, bands, animes, mangas, etc, and they treat me like it’s a bad thing. They especially gave me hell one time when I told them I didn’t like Pokemon, and also deleted Pokemon Go. Nowadays, I feel like they ignore me more and more every day. I’m completely convinced now that I’m a wallflower.

    One other issue I have with them is feeling like a third wheel. Almost everyone I know is either in a relationship, or has been in one, and I’m practically the “virgin of all virgins”. I’ve never even been on a date. Not even one of those stupid little “do you like me?” notes…I’m not fat, but I’m far from skinny. I don’t wear makeup, dresses or skirts. I hate wearing heels, and the most jewelry I wear is a single necklace. I don’t style my hair, usually just pull it back into a tail and tie a bandana around my forehead. I’m not a bitchy girl, but I won’t let people walk over me. My bite is worse than my bite. Very rarely will I bite. Mostly cuz I know it’s smarter to be the better person and use your head instead of your fist. But…does any of that make me unattractive? Does that make me boring? Not worth anyone’s time? I understand that I have my whole life to look for love, that I should make my education my main priority. Well, I do. But that doesn’t make the pain go away…I want to be able to say that I experienced the high school romance thing at least once, but how can I when I’m practically invisible? I have to practically poke you to the point of pissing you off just to get your attention…Lately the only way people seem to notice me is for my brain or food. I’m a fast thinker, so I tend to absorb things faster than others, especially in Algebra II. And lately, people are always asking me or the teacher for clarification on a formula, if they got the right answers, what I got for certain questions, if I finished the assigned homework, etc. At first I felt great that so many people were looking to me for assistance. But now I think they’re all just taking me for granted cuz it just gets more frequent and they will begin trying to peek at my work from over my shoulder or anything of the matter. And since we all have big appetites and are only allowed to take so much, we all practically beg each other for our food. But then again, I think everyone in every small town high school does this.

    Remember I mentioned being the better person? I’m starting to wonder if being the better person is worth it anymore. I feel like I’m missing out on so much by playing it safe! I don’t bother putting myself out on the market because I’m either too scared, telling myself that education is more important, or as my mom would say: “penises are poison”. Like any teenager, my hormone levels are out of control. I feel sexual tension wherever I go, and it drives me crazy that I can’t do anything about it. Since no guy seems to show any kind of romantic interest in me, I was almost convinced once that all I would ever be was a booty call. But then I laugh, thinking how could I be a booty call when I practically have a panic attack at the very thought of being kissed for the first time (like I said, virgin of all virgins). Plus, if I ever were to give in to my thirst, I don’t think I would survive the look of disappointment in my parents’ eyes should I fall pregnant at 16. I don’t go skiing with my friends anymore due to my severe phobia of snakes, which I know are in the river. Sometimes I don’t even hang out with my friends after school because I don’t know what they do outside the school. Two of them I do know drink, and I don’t what to find out what any of my friends would do when intoxicated. Or all any of them will do is play video games and watch anime. Even that gets boring! And then I feel like I’m missing out because I don’t have my license, no functional vehicle, no job, no money, loads of homework, and no one to spend time with. I get that evryone has lives to live too, but why is it that when I’m finally ready to hang out, everyone is all of a sudden busy?

    Truthfully, I feel like just writing all this must sound ridiculous. Maybe I am just a girl that needs to stop complaining and mature a little. Maybe I should?…I really don’t know anymore…ha, I seem to be saying that a lot nowadays: “I don’t know”.

    I thought that despite all of these feelings that I was just being silly. So I continued to focus on the good things. But it seems that now that I’m thinking about them, the bad stuff just won’t go away. It becomes painfully more obvious every day, and that’s when my mood immediately dampens into something sour and bitter. What’s worse is that all the signs you’ve listed above confirm that I have walking depression. I thought I was done with depression, but it seems my fight has only begun.

    I’m sure you’re chances of seeing this are slim, but…what should I do? Plz…

    • Daniel September 12, 2016, 4:07 pm

      im not an expert or maybe i shouldnt say anything but we are here for you, if you need anything seek help from someone im sure they will listen and try to help

  • Mary September 11, 2016, 8:56 pm

    I am a recovering (hopefully) “walking” depressed. Bad circumstances, workload, home life, health, relationships… all contributed. Life just feels heavy, like a heavy, heavy load when you’re in it, without much hope of things getting better. I could sleep for hours on end. However, I am on the up and up since I reduced my workload and moved to a cleaner place to live. I have been seeing a counselor too. My partner understands me more after seeing me struggle for so long and that is nice. I am currently feeling inexplicably REALLY low though, and this tends to happen to me still, from time to time. I find myself comparing myself to others and feeling like such a failure. I wish I could be like others, who find humour in hardship or find a silver lining. I just buckle under the weight of anything difficult now.

  • Joe September 12, 2016, 1:59 pm

    I’m 16. I understand that I’m young and there’s lots to learn about life. Months back my sister who I am very close to, graduated college and moved 5000 miles away. My aunt,uncle, and cousins who I

  • Daniel September 12, 2016, 4:03 pm

    i feel like i hate what im doing in highschool, ive put up with sports and everything else and it feels like it sucks, maybe i gotta just keep trying and think positiv and try everything that has been said and relax, but i simply cant, this helped a loy though and i think i might start to improve. . ~Thank You

  • nota September 12, 2016, 7:58 pm

    i think i finally know what’s wrong…
    this is the closest i’ve been to knowing one part of what’s wrong with me.
    so thanks.

  • Mike September 13, 2016, 2:40 am

    Yeah. I have walking depression. It started three years ago. My wife cheated on me and left me. I had friends that got.me going out. It didn’t really help. I acted like it helped so they would stop worrying. Truth be told, I did then and still love my x wife. I had and still have health issues. I have diabetes and E.D. I wanted to make my wife happy, since I went to the gym everyday to try and cure my E.D. I lost over 100 pounds, but didn’t cure the E.D. meds help about half the time. Have had a few relationships since my divorce.. E.D. always ruins them. Givin up on that. Wife and I never had kids…i.have always wanted them. Now it’s impossible. My mother passed away about a year ago. She had been disabled for.almost 20 years. I took her to.all.the doctors.apointmemts and surgeries. I didn’t have the best bed side manner. Wasn’t

  • Herminia Freddie September 13, 2016, 2:45 am

    I just got Married 3 months ago and since that day my husband and I have been fighting non stop. We even fought on our honeymoon. We’ve maybe had sex 5 times since we’ve been married which is absolutely killing me. I recently told him that I’m depressed and have a drinking problem and he doesn’t look at me the same anymore. When I drink I say terrible things to him but he says terrible things without alcohol. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He refuses to see a therapist because he thinks we should just get divorced if we need one this early. I’m concerned that we rushed into this marriage and that it’s just not a right fit, however, I don’t think i can live without him. He’s the only thing that makes me happy since i reach Dr. Oomirimiri for help via oomirimiri@gmail.com everything work out as plan we are now back together and so excited for Dr. did for me and my family…

  • Refilwe September 13, 2016, 3:09 am

    I just get angry for no reason i do not lash out at people or anything but i just wanna scream and cry i feel miserable and i have this resentment towards people who are happy i used to be vocal now i cant speak i want to say something but i cant if i do i have to repeat it two times for someone to understand me.sometimes i feel nobody cares even being in a relationship feels draining my boyfriend is demanding i want to be by alone most of the time, i am always late for work i just cant leave the house in time,i am always sick i hate that i can;t infact i feel like quitting my job and just sit at home alone and eat never worry about anything

  • varda September 15, 2016, 9:43 pm

    i feel all of these things that you mentioned, and it terrifies me. i can’t motivate myself to do anything, i randomly start crying, and i feel sad for no reason. i wish i knew what to do, but at the same time i don’t want to know. it’s like part of me wants to be miserable, and the part of me that wants to stay alive is only doing so for my family. and the worst part is that i have no reason to feel this way. it’s probably only hormones or something like that, but everyone has to deal with hormones, and i feel even more weak and worthless because i’m not able to deal with them. also, i know that no one is gonna read or reply to this comment, but thank you for letting me rant here. i don’t know where else to do it.

    • Varda September 18, 2016, 10:56 am

      It is not hormones, take yourself seriously and if ever need to rant go to vent it is a very warming place with lots of people who will give you advise. Also write down in a journal and right don’t all the things you like to do, like drinking tea and peting your cat, you know what I mean?

  • Carla Ann September 16, 2016, 1:05 am

    It was a great article. I was also very depressed with my life. I was doing job as receptionist it very dissatisfied but i had no other options. My monthly bills are on my head. But i wanted to pursue my career in singing because i m born with this very great voice.
    Then one day i was searching on web I found this site http://bit.ly/2cT3gJd. It is a site for numerology. It helped me a lot. Now I am part time singer in orchestra also working like i wanted to do. I loved this

  • Kate-Lynn Bartlett September 18, 2016, 10:43 am

    I feel like this off and on, I have for 6 years now sometimes it lasts up to a month and sometimes a week. It’s affects my relationships with my friends and family, I have e suicidal thoughts even when I don’t really want to die. I use to self harm but that became useless after a while, I try to keep positive but it’s probably the hardest thing to do. If one thing goes wrong it ruins my whole day. I don’t believe ine medication for mental illnesses because I believe it just makes another addiction. I self medicate with alcohol and marijuana.

  • Sabina September 20, 2016, 10:45 am

    I typed in – what to do when you feel very unhappy and here you are… The first page I opened which perfectly diagnosed what i am
    ” walking depressed”. I will keep fighting… I know that there is more in life than this state I am in… Thank you

  • Nicolas September 20, 2016, 5:30 pm

    I have had depression for a while but only notice now, its been terrible. If you suffer also, actually look for help it helps.

  • Ash September 21, 2016, 12:12 pm

    I’m definitely becoming one of the walking depressed and it feels like a vicious cycle. I graduated college recently and I’m struggling to find a job in my field. I’m working two jobs and living with my boyfriend and I have no time for me at all anymore. It’s trying to make my parents proud, trying to study to do well on my gre, pressure to get into a good graduate school so I can actually do what I love. Both of my jobs aren’t even in my field and I’m doing all I can for resume boosts. I’m trying to be a supportive gf as my bf is stressed and just got a new job. I’m just so tired. To a point where I won’t do anything about it because I’m trying to “take care of me” like watching a show I like or going out to dinner. I never enjoy doing those things because I feel guilt for not fulfilling my responsibilities. I’m still stuck. I’m too busy working that I can’t study or have a life and when I try to have a life I can’t enjoy it.

  • Kerry Hartley September 21, 2016, 1:43 pm

    About a year ago I lost my mum she was my best friend to cancer at 46 ,my whole world tore apart , I had to stay strong for my son who is 6. But things were getting so hard I started drinking then 5 months later my grandad died of cancer he was like the father figure I never had . I still was grieving for my mum and couldn’t grieve for him . a moth later I packed up mine and my sons stuff moved 200 miles away. Thinking I could start again give him a better life . as days go by I feel myself just getting worse I drink to block everything away I feel I’m loosing me the person I was . I look at my son and wish I could get right but getting by each day is a real struggle . I feel I can’t talk to anyone I just feel so alone . my mum was my everything and now she’s gone I just find it so hard to get threw each day . I just want it to go away .

    • Philomina October 9, 2016, 6:54 pm

      Kelly, I lost my mother to cancer 4 years ago this month. She was my everything. Please hear me when I tell you, I know your pain. I know you’re hurting so much. I had to come to terms with the fact that I can never go back to who I was before she died. I may never ever experience “That” level of happiness again, maybe I will I don’t know, but I’ve learned to work with the new me, although it is Always a work in progress and I think life is. For the now, you must reach out to others, reach out for help, tell your doctor, tell your friend, your neighbor, relatives, even the lady at the checkout counter who asks you how you are, tell them the truth. There are people, like me, a stranger who want you to feel better and You Can.

  • Kerry September 21, 2016, 1:51 pm

    About a year ago I lost my mum she was my best friend to cancer at 46 ,my whole world tore apart , I had to stay strong for my son who is 6. But things were getting so hard I started drinking then 5 months later my grandad died of cancer he was like the father figure I never had . I still was grieving for my mum and couldn’t grieve for him . a moth later I packed up mine and my sons stuff moved 200 miles away. Thinking I could start again give him a better life . as days go by I feel myself just getting worse I drink to block everything away I feel I’m loosing me the person I was . I look at my son and wish I could get right but getting by each day is a real struggle . I feel I can’t talk to anyone I just feel so alone . my mum was my everything and now she’s gone I just find it so hard to get threw each day . I just want it to go away .

  • Mariah Hughes September 22, 2016, 2:30 pm

    I’m 19 years old. And I think I’m suffering from walking depression. I’m tired all the time to point where I feel physically and mentally drained all the time. I feel like can’t be close to anyone or even talk and ope to anyone. I feel alone and scared and anxious all the time. I have not been to the doctors. I don’t want to turn to medication unless I really truly have to. My mum has even said that she thinks I’m suffering with depression. I feel like I’m stuck in a cage and I’m living and doing the same thing everyday. And it’s tireing. The thought of going out just dose not appeal to me and feel like by avoiding this, I’m pushing my close friends away from me. I’m to scard to open up and talk to anyone.

  • Raine September 22, 2016, 3:21 pm

    At age 20, I was diagnosed with dysthymia ( a persistent low grade depression I was told)and ptsd. My ptsd was most probably at the root of my depression. Being raised my an abusive stepfather and super compliant and yet depressed mother modeled for me dysfunction. I was raped and molested at age 4 and my parents did nothing. I was born and artist, I could draw before I could read and write. Everyone around me knew I was an artist. I was very creative and kinda unsure about my talents. I wanted to be an art therapist. My stepdad told me I’d never be beautiful, so I’d had better be smart instead. I tested and got into S.V.A. (school of visual arts in NYC) I almost didn’t last the year, I was so desperate to get out and become somebody, separate from my upbringing, except when you have family that doesn’t care and calls you worthless, doesn’t send even a care package or call as to how I am doing, one is sure to fail. When I came home that summer after my first year, , my stepdad kicked me out. I have struggled ever since. It took me 7 years to earn a degree, not in art, in psychology. All I have ever wanted to do is to create and help others. I have tried and tried, I no longer find that I have creativity. If it is there, it leaves as quickly as it comes. I am the walking dead. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and the same ptsd. I have been on medicine, seen 11 therapists. .Some have been really bad. I’ve never been treated for my ptsd. I’m almost at the point of giving up

  • Lela September 23, 2016, 1:39 pm

    Thank you for this article. You are so right when you say that it is hard to admit you have walking depression because you are still getting by. The part that is so comparable to my current situation is when you say when you drank you felt so much better and even happy. Sadly, I am in the same boat. I don’t know when or where it started but that is honestly the only time I’ve felt happy in the last few months. I started taking zoloft about a month ago but I don’t feel any different yet, I’m starting to think I might need to go to a therapist and/or keep a journal. Mostly, I need to change the way I think. I don’t think anyone that knows me would think I have these problems. I am in my 20s a college graduate with a decent job and I have been able to get any guy that I want but it’s like I’m taking it all for granted? I’m not sure where it came from but it’s like I lost hope in the future just because I haven’t done everything like I thought I would career wise (I wanted to go to medical school but my gpa was not high enough) and now I’m just unhappy with my job but I don’t know why I am a biochemist it’s not like I’m cleaning toilets or anything ( no offense to anyone that does) but I truly don’t know where to go from here.

  • Sara September 23, 2016, 10:30 pm
  • Anita September 24, 2016, 11:29 am

    I have worked in long term health care for 37 years. I am burned to a crisp. Its not that I dont like the work or co workers, its just the building itself that going into makes me feel like Im walking into hell. I have been sole caregiver to my parents for the last 4 years. Daddy got very sick, was in the hospital, then had to be transferred to the nursing home I work at. He lasted about 2 weeks and he has been gone for 2 years. I grieve him every day. My mom came to the nursing home to be with him, then go home, but she is still there, 2 years later, because there was no one to stay with her and they lived way out in the country. They were both in their 90’s. I feel guilt every day that mommy is there. She gets good care, but the guilt kills me. We had to sell her house and my brother, who lives in another state, made no efforts to help me. I was doing things that I had no idea what I was doing. I have pulled away from friends, lost interest in the groups I was in, I call myself ” The Walking Dead”. I feel no joy. Oh yes, I did feel joy ONE time after daddy died, but it turned into a debacle and I decided nothing was worth feeling the joy, then getting it smashed. I know there are so many things to be thankful for. I get to be with my mom every day, kids are healthy and grown, have a roof over my head, food to eat, no relationships, but Im not reallly interested in them. I take antidepressants, but I dont think they work very well. I appreciate the comment where they said they just wanted to be the person they were before. Where did the old Anita go? Then I think I am getting older, I cant imagine ANYTHING worse than working in a nursing home for so many years, then being put in there as a patient. That WOULD be hell to me. I have talked to many therapists, but I wont keep a journal, tried that, have no energy to exercise, I dont drink, or do drugs, I have always been very particular when it came to dressing nicely, my hair and makeup…. Im finding that doesnt even do it for me anymore. I wish there were some magic pill I could take to just feel better, to not cry at work, to at least appreciate the sunshine. I pray and pray for God to lift this from me, but the next day is the same as the last. Thank you letting me vent on your website~

  • Muffintop September 24, 2016, 2:58 pm

    Crikey! Just read this article before bed after one of the most depressing days in a while. Beginning to dawn on me …. I walk depressed a lot of the time but somehow just keep on walking. Yesterday I had to force myself to get out bed and go to work by chunking my day into smaller time periods. Just get to morning break….just get to lunch time….. just get to three o’clock……..there…..made it nearly home time. Well done! Today I cried……a lot! Middle aged female! Elderly parents. Grown up kids….two away….two still needing support to study. Responsibility in work for others….. you know how it goes. Always the last in the queue….. that’s what women do, right? Look after everyone else…..young and old. Husband with his own stresses at work……too much going on to off load to! Where do I go for succour? Into myself. There is nowhere else. Just me…… struggling along….. daily! I never realised until now… I am one of the walking depressed. Have been for decades! Decades! Irritability rating currently through the roof! Don’t come near if you value your life sort of stuff. Creative? I believe so…..yes. Part of the problem? You bet! Writing….. imagination…..too active for my own good? Or…..is it possible I could and indeed should channel those weird and wonderful thoughts that can so often be a source of stress and anxiety into something worth sharing with, if not the world, at least a little portion of it? Will I? Won’t I? The eternal seesaw of yes and no. One day. Not today. Too many other priorities. Frivolous pursuit…… writing!

  • Asydufiv September 25, 2016, 1:23 pm

    Oh……. fuck

  • Candy September 25, 2016, 7:23 pm

    Well, im not sure where to start. Im 27 years old i have two children ages 4 and 6. They are good kids but i get upset with them easy. I feel very anxious when they start to get on my nerves. I cry alot. I often think to myself that i hate my life. I have not gone to a doctor yet because i dont know where to start, or even who to see. Some days i feel normal and others not, im always on edge. If anyone could give me some advice i would really appreciate it. Thank you.

  • xiaotian Wang September 26, 2016, 11:19 am

    I know I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, in everyone else’s eyes, I have great characteristics, great friend, in short , with high EQ, I feel people, I have ways to deal with all kinds of people, I am also extremely sensitive with subconscious and know how to use my skills to treat other people, but every night when I get back home standing in front of my mirror, I feel crumbled with extreme pain/emptiness, some reason I am considering this as a punishment, for what I really not sure, that pain also “motivates” me to become a even “better” person with “greater” characteristics, there is much more but this is all I want to say for now.

  • Mickey September 26, 2016, 1:37 pm

    After reading this, I definitely have walking depression. And I must have had it for decades but now that I’m retired and in my late sixties I have no desire to go anywhere to get dress to shower to wash my face. I just do what I need to do and just that. But to talk to me I’m joyful and I’m happy and I’m the life of the party. It’s all a lie. I feel like I’m waiting, waiting for it to all be over. I I love my evenings and going to bed but mornings are very very hard. I open my eyes and I see all that needs to be done in the house but I have no desire to do anything.

    most hard for me

  • Grace September 27, 2016, 8:26 am

    My life is good, my situation, not so much. After an 18 year marriage (itself not so good). My husband had to be removed from my home when he started using drugs and cheating. He came to a point where he was going to kill me directly or accidentally kill or injure our daughter. He’s now been out of the house for 2 years, out of jail for 1 year. The divorce hearing is in November – I hope it ends then. So I have taken action but am still clogged with a multitude of emotional issues and stressors. I am raising our daughter (16 & great) alone. He loves her and the court ordered her to spend a weekend a month with him, which she hates but complies with. I saved the mortgage, found a new job and am getting through. However, I really dislike my job and find it emotionally exhausting. But, it’s a poor job market and this pays my bills. My house is still full of his things and he will not have them removed. I constantly feel a crushing weight of debt and his presence. I have nightmares of him being in the house and tormenting me. I wake up sweating and crying and angry. Luckily this is becoming farther and fewer between. But, I cried on the way to work this morning. And am sucking it up as always while here. I have typically been a happy, push forward type of person. But lately this emotional issue is crushing my soul and spirit. My daughter, pets and plants are my refuge but then I have to head off for work and I feel desperately overwhelmed with grief. Grief of the job I had to leave last year to earn more. I loved that job and the business owner. I miss it. Now, I just want to stay in the house and not leave. But of course, I must push forward. I just wish I could feel joyful instead of deeply distressed and sad – while still pushing forward.

  • Carly September 27, 2016, 11:41 am

    I just got out of class. I drove home, the whole time feeling something between self-loathing and numb. When I got to the house, I parked the car and sat in it. I couldn’t face my husband. He’s the one person that I care for but just seeing him is enough to bring me to tears when I’m feeling this way. I just want to lean on him and give up. So instead I turned to the Internet, I typed in exactly how I felt and this article came up. The term walking depression was a somthing I’d heard about but stayed away from because I didn’t want to admit that I might have it. As I read, I began sobbing. Each point made was hitting hard. This is me. But I wonder if knowing this will help or hinder me. I am not in a position to change anything in my life. Or maybe I don’t have the strength. I only have the energy to get through the day and nothing else. But regardless, perhaps reading this and relating to it is a step in the right direction. Its up to me now.

  • Shelly September 28, 2016, 7:21 am

    I can relate to many of your comments on here, I get up in the morning full of sadness and dread, wanting to cry all the time, no energy, no motivation and feel like there’s no hope , I find myself thinking how many years do I have left to live like this and it terrifies me, I have thoughts of just wanting to never wake up as I find life too daunting , I fear any suicudal thoughts as I have 4 wonderful boys , 3 of them with special needs , I just feel so drained, down and constantly sad

  • Nexus September 28, 2016, 9:00 pm

    I don’t know what to say but I’m just genuinely not happy with anything in my life. I recently moved back in with my father but now I’m feeling that was a huge mistake. By moving I had alienated myself from my family and friends (I should mention my parents are divorced, finally have a Connection with my father, never did my entire life). With that being said I thought moving to a new place and starting a new career path would be beneficial to me but I find myself staying up at night thinking I made a huge mistake and when I go to sleep my dreams reminds me of what I left behind.
    Before I was struggling to get by but now I’ll telling myself I’ll take that struggle any day than to deal with the emptiness I have inside today.
    When I visit my friends and family who I grew up with my whole life, I have to put up a front like everything is “okay” but it’s not. I hate my current situation it feels like I’m all alone, I lost my creativity, there is no one honestly to talk too. No one who understands what I’m going through. And there are times when I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s like there is no going back but don’t see much of a future ahead either.
    I constantly listen to rock songs that talks about depression and being hurt. And sometimes I just sit and think that I should take a train to the middle of no where and whatever happens, happens. I know I need some therapy but I do believe I need more than that.
    I’m at a point where I don’t want a relationship, kids and marriage are far from my mind, I want to be by myself and left alone constantly. And just can’t seem to shake this feeling. I’m just not happy anymore, something inside of me has died.

  • Chellie September 29, 2016, 8:52 am

    I have so many of these on the list. Feeling better at night and worse in the morning is something I have experienced for a very long time. When I wake up, I just want to back to sleep. I just watch life go by around me. I don’t see the point in anything. Everyone just lives life like I don’t even exist. It’s a chore to even leave the house.

  • Truth September 29, 2016, 1:45 pm

    Being a single and lonely man all the time would do it.

  • Mady September 29, 2016, 5:42 pm

    I belive too that my friends are causing my walking depression. What do I do?

  • Elle September 30, 2016, 1:09 pm

    The night time is my safest time. I feel no reason to do nothing more than drink some wine, smoke some cigarettes, and have a conversation with myself or others that hopefully mean something. I scroll endlessly through social media and “zone out” to it. I fall asleep with the TV on so I don’t allow my mind to think too heavily about anything. I ache during the day. My body is manifesting its pain more and more as the years go by. I have back and neck pain that shows up very suddenly and lasts for a while. I don’t like who I see when I look in the mirror. I feel like I’m dead inside. The things that used to inspire me feel empty. I am apathetic to almost everything, except for the biggest hurts of the world. I feel swallowed. I feel misunderstood. I don’t know how to ask for help because its so difficult to name what I am feeling on the inside and I know how to get up everyday and smile and laugh and go to work and share in moments with others. Sometimes I don’t want to move. Like my legs feel heavier than my whole body. I don’t want to do the “other” things I need to do when my day is done. I like wine because it conjures up body buzzes and conversation in me and makes me feel like I am still here. I don’t feel like I deserve the life I am living. I feel weighted by the life I am living. I feel disconnected from most of the people and the things in my life though something tells me, no one would really know unless the looked extremely close. And I often don’t allow them too. I feel like my bones carry stories and they ache because of it. I push people away subtly and would rather be alone, even though I also crave “my people” who don’t see life through a typical lens and allow me to be a little broken. I feel like it may sound silly but my cat is the only one I feel at ease with because she sits with me when I am heaviest and expects me to be nothing in return (outside of daily feeding, tending, and love). I am always tired, no matter how much or little I sleep. But it is not a tired that shows its face through sleepy eyes or lethargy. It is a tired underneath my skin. A tired of showing up. I tired of being me. A tired of longing to be who I was not so long ago. These feelings have danced with me since I was young but have come and gone in their ways, a few times. I don’t know enough about how to feel alive again. Writing this may have been the most engaged I have been with this in many years. Im typing these words not to illicit a response from anyone but more to put myself out there, somewhere, and say the things I have no where else to say them.

  • Katie Gowland October 1, 2016, 5:48 am

    Gosh I feel like this now. I feel so guilty and selfish all the time, and stuck and ungrateful. My dream for always has been to write, but I do anything to stop myself having time to write. I resent my husband and children because they don’t seem to notice or care that I am so unhappy in my life. I work, I volunteer at church and at my children’s preschool and I care for my children and the house and the thing that always gets squeezed out is anything for myself. I think I am pointless and that I am good at nothing.

  • Elaine October 1, 2016, 6:14 pm

    That is something i need to work on. Letting myself be sad, letting myself be happy, and learn that its okay to put myself first sometimes. The social anxiety is the biggest problem. I’ve never been a shy person, usually the one to make plans, always happy and outgoing and ready to enjoy life. My biggest fear is losing my boyfriend and friends. I constantly make plans, get dressed and ready, and right before its time to leave find a reason not to go. ( to tired, dont like my appearance, or use the excuse of work the next day). Finding *one* thing a week to do would definitely be a start. Finding the courage to actually go through with it, is tough. I dont understand my feelings.

  • Motivator October 2, 2016, 9:55 am

    Guys Please read Mahabharata,This one teaches you how to survive in life at most disaster things happen in your life.You will became a idol one day.

  • Chrissy Thomes October 2, 2016, 4:58 pm

    I have been walking depressed for so long I can’t imagine being any different. I have become a pro at doing my job excellently with customers thinking I am just the sweetest, happiest person. But I’m smiling in their faces and crumbling inside. I cry all the time. I can be in the midst of people I love doing things that I used to enjoy and it’s like I’m just going through the motions. Nothing is lasting or impressionable anymore. Some days I feel like a robot. I do everything I am supposed to do while I feel like I can’t breathe and my heart pounds and my body trembles. I walk and walk depressed and more depressed. I am finally looking forward to something…reading your book.

  • Emily October 4, 2016, 6:29 pm

    As i looked through this list i realized all of this is true about me.

  • Caroline October 5, 2016, 2:28 am

    I feel so sad today. I have a few hours away from my daughter and many writing projects to work on – but my head feels like I’m wading through treacle. Thanks for this post; it really resonates.

  • Steve Sparks October 6, 2016, 2:39 pm

    Where do people find the energy to beat this monster that is called depression? I have tried to puff out my chest, shrug at the world and forge ahead in mutiny against my depression. Exhaustion overwhelms me and I can’t find the energy to play with my 3 year old twin girls. The only times I feel good are when I am laying down with a fan blowing on me, but that is when shame and guilt creep in for not being with my family. Depression is the single most difficult health condition I could ever imagine, hands down.
    Deep sadness saps my energy which in turn leads to the guilt and shame and cycles again. I want to be happy and not be that sad sack little man sitting on the park bench while my kids run and play with my wife. I envy the people who battle their depression and do great things, like help others. I have sincere compassion for people like me. Depression sucks!

  • Mr. Mekoschwitz October 6, 2016, 7:42 pm

    My life is dominated by one craving after another, in endless succession.
    I once was a social worker, but now a law student.
    The cravings have never stopped, but neither has the love.
    Love that I don’t do shit to deserve.
    Walking in a selfish fog.
    Constantly summoning energy for one task after another,
    but always too fatigued to do any of them.
    No real friendships in years.
    Sitting at a distance, doing my own thing.
    Watching and occasionally smiling,
    but never addressing, except as a public gesture.
    One-to-one is torture; avoided like the plague.
    Better to satisfy the cravings.
    Who cares, still top of the class.
    Could be a lot worse.
    So many opportunities,
    just have to choose one.
    Though I know each provides
    only temporary relief.
    Escape into a fresh cell.
    “Give it a few months–
    you’ll hate it again, don’t worry.”
    And what the fuck is there to hate?
    Nothing.
    Everything is fine,
    and thank God for my Wife,
    without whom I would truly be defeated.

  • Marie October 7, 2016, 2:47 pm

    I’ve seen counselors, doctors, and talked to my family, and until recently, no one believed me when I finally expressed how I had been feeling. My parents are just now listening. I told them when I was 17 I felt bad, wrong, off, like there was a disconnect. I couldn’t maintain lasting, meaningful relationships because I couldn’t mentally or emotionally keep up – or at least that’s what I FELT. I would go from not being able to sleep at all for months to now sleeping 11-14 hours every day/night. I can’t get myself to run errands because it seems exhausting. When I leave my house, I get this separation anxiety feeling. I get rashes on my neck and chest when I am in public settings. I completely shut down in new social situations. When I am alone, I can feel happy, but how do you enjoy happiness when it is sitting in stagnant watery filth. The aroma of the filth, alone, will make that happy moment feel like not much of anything. I’m angry all of the time it seems and that’s not who I want to be. I literally feel like I have this aggression sitting on my chest all day everyday just waiting for someone to say one little thing to make me explode. I am tense every day (you can physically see it in my shoulders), and it takes me HOURS to wind down from a five hour shift of work. Doctors think I’m fishing for medication, counselors want me to go natural or take up yoga, and my parents just want me to find help. I’ve stuck with eating better, exercising, I’ve taken up yoga, and even take vitamins now, but those things do not change everything I described above that I am still currently dealing with everyday. I don’t know what to do. At 22, you should be enjoying life, not constantly worrying about things, stressing out about things, and feeling doomed all while experiencing the physical wrath of depression. I just want to be 22.

  • Philomina October 9, 2016, 6:42 pm

    I feel less alone seeing so many people feel in a similar to me. I definitely have walking depression.

  • marjorie October 10, 2016, 12:47 pm

    I thought I hated my life. Then I took a closer look and realized that I hate MYSELF. My life is fine; it’s me that I hate. It’s me that’s all messed up. It’s me who keeps screwing things up. And I don’t know why.

  • John Nicoletti October 10, 2016, 7:59 pm

    I used to drink a lot – maybe 12-16 drinks a day, until I almost died. I have been sober for a year and a half, and, still feel the same. I feel thankful and grateful that I am alive, but, some days, I wonder. I really do not think people really care. So, I care about myself now, and, do simple things that I enjoy. I never have had love in life, or happiness….but, these things are merely a reflection of our own capacities – so, I do not blame others. It’s me. I thought that alcohol played a role in being depressed – it does not, in my case. I am just an unhappy and sad person in general, and, my best days, are, when I accept that fact. Some are happy, some are sad. God made it this way.

  • Veronica Fonteyn October 12, 2016, 11:38 am

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The phrase “walking depressed” that you have coined defines so aptly the malaise that afflicts me. And going by the number of comments left on this post makes one wonder if most of humankind is not afflicted in this way. This kind of depression is an emotional and psychological prison. I think it may be worse than any other type of depression because it is insidious in that it simmers just below the surface, is constant, neither so bad as to bring it to a climax nor so light as to give some release to its sufferer.

  • Aditi October 12, 2016, 3:58 pm

    Every single point mentioned here is true for me but I cannot talk about this to anyone in my family because my father and brother are already suffering from depression. They need to be taken care of and I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about this.
    Thankfully, none of my friends or family have asked me. Friends ask me sometimes if I’m okay because sometimes I break down in front of them but then I blame something else so they dont suspect it. In front of my family, though I never let my guard down. I can never let them know about it.

    Please tell m how I can get help, i’ve tried everything…yoga, healthy diet, meditation, exercise.

  • Tiffany October 13, 2016, 9:34 pm

    I can’t even cry anymore. I feel so frustrated like I am screaming on the inside just trying to get by. I never drink, but feel like I need a glass of wine at least 3 to 4 nights a week (or more but I won’t drink every night). Can someone help me? I’m tired of this.

  • Pete October 14, 2016, 3:56 am

    The apparent and unfolding hell that I’m currently experiencing is pretty unbearable. I’ve read the posts here and feel somewhat ashamed because I am realising that there are so many worse off than me! I lived a very happy, hardworking life with a good wife for 38 years until she died in 2008. My children had grown up and moved away from the family home by that time. I went down the road of alcohol and cannabis, then make a stupid mistake and ended up in a police cell in 2010. My health deteriorated, I suffered a fall and broke my hip. In the following six months I seemed to contract every germ and virus available which led to severe weight loss, loss of drive, ambition and hope. My only salvation was the care my son and daughter provided, travelling a very inconvenient route back to the empty, cold house I once called ‘home’. After my arrest, my kids insisted I move nearer to them, which I did. Reading was the only pleasure left for me, I could escape in a book. I sought a challenge to lift me from total despair. I’d always wanted to read Dickens; everyone knows the stories, but most haven’t read the novels. I picked ‘David Copperfield’ and found almost every character in the story mirrored those in my life. I had a physical and emotional breakdown, and strangely, this seemed to pull me out of the dense gloom. This was Christmas 2010. I joined a dating site, probably in desperate need to find someone to take away my emotional pain. I met a woman at the end of January and fell in love. It was a fairytale romance (I made sure of that). Things were good, very good, but May that year there were signs that all was not right in our relationship, I think my kids suspected there was a different agenda being followed by my partner. Five and a half years later I am dealing with the trauma of coming out, abruptly, from what I now suspect was an emotionally abusive relationship. I was never allowed to express my emotions, and there was a strong element of control curtailing my freedoms (NPD at work). The whole thing fell apart two months ago. We broke up, I was kicked out of our (her) home. I sofa-surfed in my daughter’s small flat until I found myself the flat where I’m now living. My life seems empty. I’m 70 in February, no work to go to, no targets, no contact with anyone. I know the answer lies within me, but I can’t find it yet. I feel I am one of the walking depressed. Thank God (if there is one) for the internet, and sites like this. Sorry to dump all my woes on others supporting or commenting on this group, but it has helped me to get it all out. Any advice on how to move on would be greatly appreciated. I wish you all good fortune in climbing back into life. Surely we all deserve to be happy?

  • Jeffrey penner October 14, 2016, 7:13 pm

    18 years old, going to college and still have no aspiration in life. Every day is a struggle. I know I have a major depression disorder but my parents are strict Christians and they will just start “praying” for me. What bull****. Don’t have money to see a psychiatrist on my own and my dad forces me to work as a sales rep. at his business. I hate being around people so the job makes me want to commit suicide after work. The only thing that keeps me going and the only thing i have ever loved is my dog. I hate being around my parents and siblings. I’ll probably never be financially stable so I’ll have to stick with my parents for years to come and let life suck out what little is left of my sorrowful existence.

  • Andrew October 16, 2016, 8:02 pm

    I thought I was happy, sure I have the fire that burns in every teen but it wasn’t until I played the game life is strange that I realized how lonely I was how empty I felt I’m tired of being told what to do I just want to be free and drift across the United States. I find that right now I hate the hour of laying in bed waiting for sleep it’s then that I’m alone I tare myself apart so I stay up until I pass out its in my dreams that I feel truly free sometimes I dream that I’ve met a girl who’s just a friend who I can talk to then I wake up

  • Madeleine October 18, 2016, 11:45 am

    I’ve been spending years as a half-person unable to be fully present in any moment, just wishing every minute away as fast as possible. I’ll catch myself smiling or laughing at something and then it’s immediately torn away from me, like my subconscious has put a ban on all joy.

    I feel as though I’m wasting a wonderful opportunity to live a life on this earth because I am incapable of feeling comfortable enough in a moment to BE in it. Every word I speak is met with the ‘you’re an idiot, what are you doing, everybody hates you, what’s wrong with you’ thoughts in my head.

    On top of this, I have developed binge eating disorder as food seems to be the only way I can experience happiness for a few short moments. Sadly now dealing with the crippling self-loathing that comes along with gaining weight.

    Is there anything out there that can fix this aptly named ‘walking depression’ without committing to anti-depressants?

    Do we have to live this way forever?

  • Yann October 20, 2016, 10:09 pm

    I guess I’m having this symptom and it is affecting me very much these days. In the past, I can get over for awhile by going for a short holiday trip before it kicks back again when I have a negative thought. This process has been repeated for the past few years.
    However, I found that it seems like not working for me anymore. These days at work, I’m working more like a robot without feelings and sometime had no memories of what I had done before. I’m also creating more issues to deal with myself when none of these issues I will able to tackle it as I keep giving excuses. The worst is I keep hoping for miracle or someone to get me out of this miserable life which others don’t see it the same as me.
    My friends don’t understand why my life is miserable and they often stated to me that I have created it on my own with this delusion and keep on remind me of looking things in positive ways and not to overthink too much. I sometime can cry for things that are not involved or related to me but I took the blame myself as I feel I have to.

    For your information about my background, I’m earning an average good income and working in a company which provides me lot of good benefits like medical claims, mobile phone allowances, car and petrol, etc, on top of that an average of 5 months annual bonus will be paid to the staff at the end of the year.
    I’m single Asian gay-man here and still living with my parents. I opened to my parents and have no family issued or problems. I haven’t found the right person yet to start a relationships and basically is very difficult for me especially for a gay man in Asian. And to makes things more difficult, I often get attracted to the Caucasian man and there’s limitation of their present in my country.

  • DeAnna October 22, 2016, 10:22 pm

    Hi, I am not a writer but wouldn’t mind at all becoming one. But where do I find the confindence to try? I hear all this great stories about people overcoming, if not healing completely from depression. How do I learn how to love myself if I never learned? I was abused physically and mentally by my mother, she never valued me and I moved on looking for love in all the wrong places and therefore being abused more… I feel so empty and so desperate to find some peace.

  • Maggie October 24, 2016, 5:42 pm

    I am so very sad and angry at myself. I am 71 years old and about to finally retire. I have worked hard and long hours for 48 years. While preparing for retirement, I have discovered that I made a monetary error that has cost me a huge amount of my retirement funds. My life is going to be unhappy and lonely now as well as boring for I will not be able to afford to enjoy much of anything including travel. The mistake is so clear to me now and I can’t believe I was foolish enough to do this to myself. I do not have either the time left or the energy to change the situation. I am so angry at myself that I am unable to even cry. Others just don’t understand why I can’t forget it and move on. I am completely heartbroken. I do not want to take medication …. I have been a nurse and know of the problems that result and the addiction …. I feel I have destroyed myself and there is no one who is to blame but me. I made a poor decision without seeking proper advice and I will pay a huge price for that. I feel like my life has ended! I wish I knew what to do to make myself happy again. Any ideas? Thanks.

  • Adam October 24, 2016, 10:01 pm

    Waking up tomorrow will suck. I miss my family. I just want to be with them. Im sad and have been that way for some time. Always feeling worthless and lonely. I struggle to eat one meal a day and never have energy. Tomorrow mourning…

  • JEM October 24, 2016, 10:14 pm

    I feel unhappy and lonely but I did’n thought there are so many people that they feel same motion as me .
    I feel better now.

  • Mary October 25, 2016, 4:18 am

    I think we tend to put ourselves last because it’s easier to busy myself with other people’s wants, worries, problems etc. than my own. Especially when I see how different our demons are. I.e. Happy to hash out your boy problems than talk about serotonin reuptake inhibitors and how they make me cry or the volatile outburst I had at family dinner. Not really good casual conversation material.
    Very much love your blog. Can’t wait to read your book!

    Also never discount the healing power of animals!

  • Ronda October 26, 2016, 8:38 pm

    I have a very complicated long story which i won’t go into. I’m 60 years old, I’ve been going to a psychiatrist for several years. At 48 I had a break down and now i am completely the opposite of who i use to be. I don’t want to be around people, I avoid anything that causes me any anxiety, I live with guilt, fear, regret, failure, dread and isolation. I have no motivation. I fight going to sleep at night because the morning will come. There’s nothing else to say.

  • Tony October 27, 2016, 3:13 am

    I’m so sick of who I am, I’m a drag, I try to be happy but I’m not, my smiles twitch, I look f******* crazy, and I feel like it too. I went to Iraq and came home to be kicked out. HIT THE STREETS, wife cheated, I feel like a TOTAL PUSSY MAN! I wanna break out in tears right now. I’m just typing and I’m making no progress. I’m just waiting to die it feels like, and I’m way too much of a wimp to hurt myself. And my girl is so fucking sweet man and I’m just a callous asshole. I don’t get it, all I can do is stare at the damn wall and keep letting my brain kick the shit out of me. I cant stand on anything mentally, my brain argues with itself like I’m just going in circles. I’m 27 and my early to late 20’s are spent, I’m completely socially undeveloped, I have huge fear of uncontrol. Its a fight or flight response to everything so I would rather avoid EVERYTHING. I cant even say it all to explain, I feel absolutely evil. I got these voices telling me I’m worthless and weird, I see things that always seem to be following me. I feel eyes on me all the time. I don’t see how I’m going to make it. I hate myself! I have no idea why she still likes me. I have a home now and everything I can think of. I’m being strong as I can in front of her, I’m a boreing guy now and she deep down thinks it has something to do with her actions. She smiles and laughs and inside I want to cry god dambit, if this falls apart that’s it for me, shes all I got. I cant shake the things ive been through, who am I supposed to be? I’m just totally shut up, theres no point to anything anymore, death is right around the corner and I’m just getting worse. I don’t want pills anymore, I cant talk about it, I’m losing my mind and its so fucking painful. I am supposed to be a man, whats happened to me, I don’t want to keep watching myself go through these cords. HOW am I ever supposed to lead us as a family. my heart is gone, I want it back, what I say and do is just an act to hide the fact that I’m so lost. I’m drifting with no purpose. The more I type the more and more confusing it is to just explain what I’m trying to say in a way to ask for help. Its like ive got a demon is what it feels like. I’m going to stop typing now. Ive go so much weight in my heart I don’t feel like a man, it rules me, I cant shake it, I give up trying even, I feel I am going to die soon. And I feel like I’m going straight to hell when I do, what kind of a life is this

  • D October 27, 2016, 12:31 pm

    I cant do it much longer

  • Karen October 28, 2016, 2:34 pm

    I probably had some form of walking depression for years but never did anything about it. It would just come and go. I never really felt truly happy with my life. Now I’m 34 and been suffering from bad depression for months, ever since my birthday. I cry every day, I get up and go to work and try to function but I HATE my job. I’m single, still living with my parents because of a $640 a month student loan for a masters degree in education. Except I couldn’t find a job in my field other than substitute teaching for years until I gave up and took a office job. I live in Long Island where the job market for teachers is the worst. I should have gone in my original direction. I had plans and dreams for my life. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to live in the city and travel. I’m too old to be an actress now. I don’t have the money to travel. My friends are all married with kids so I rarely see them. I want a relationship but I have terrible luck with men. Every guy I ever dated had ghosted me after a few months. I feel like I’m a washed up old hag who’s even too old to get married . I want to be back in my twenties so I can start over, I don’t want this life anymore. I’m extremely jealous of young people who have their whole lives ahead of them, and who are more successful than me or who live with their boyfriends or are engaged. I would kill to be able to go back 10 years and feel that excitement of life again. II feel like someone else is living the life I was supposed to have and I want it back. I want to just kill myself but I’m terrified of dying. I’m scared of getting older and getting wrinkles and dying alone. I’m in therapy right now and its helping a little but I can’t get over these feelings.

  • Kristopher Cone-Cabiao October 30, 2016, 6:32 am

    I now have a name for the face. Walking depression huh? I’ve been feeling really down. My family doesn’t really believe in mental disorders but I suffer from ADHD separation anxiety I think and now walking depression. Great. It’s really nice to know what to call it. This whole article rang true for me. Every single line. Every detail. Thank you for writing this.

  • JJ October 30, 2016, 11:42 am

    I had no idea it existed, Depression appears to be and have many faces, and it can be hard to admit it to yourself and then discuss why..

    Life is not easy and I have family who too were depressed and suicidal, but with family support got thru.

    I am older and its hard finding work, living by yourself and the daily struggles of juggling everything, Hugs to you all in these hard times from me..
    we can get thru this together guys,

    :O/

  • L November 2, 2016, 8:09 am

    I am 56 and have suffered with depression my whole life, I am so tired of the negativity in my head, I had ECT a few years back but all it really did was make it harder for me to remember stuff and hold down a job which I really need. I feel like a horrible Mother, my kids have this crazy lady for a mom. I just want to be better and feel and be for once in my life but I am unable to do the work to be that way. I just want to be homeless and give up on life, I really just want to be dead but I cant do that either. I wish someone could take me away for a year and fix me, re circuit my brain.

  • Nate November 2, 2016, 2:11 pm

    I didn’t think of this but my mom’s boyfriend told me that some people get depressed when it gets cold outside. I am getting kind of sad and I think that might be why. The coldness and snow doesn’t help because I really don’t like snow. So if you are asking yourself why you’re feeling really sad just think if the weather is effecting you any.

    The website isn’t mine.
    I just thought it might cheer someone up.

  • Nicole November 3, 2016, 8:24 pm

    Hello

    To the outside I’m happy single three beautiful boys top job great social life.
    Inside I’m dying. I am sad lonely suffocated and I don’t know who I am any more.
    I function everything gets “done” there is no pleasure in anything buying home accessories shopping online going to the ships. Leaning laundry reading everything is a pain. My bedroom is becoming less and less acceptable living.
    But I go to work all dressed up no stress at work I’m calm I’ve had to organise wash cycles kids. Clubs home work I do around bring at work no hidccups. I get excited at the freedom the dress up feeling so I go out after work and I get in a word mashed. I have fun. But since a break up that tore my world apart 16 months ago I fear coming off the high. I am honest about my real emotions they hit me I’m lonely I’m struggling I’m unhappy so I started keeping the high alone which is what I’m doing now. But I become proactive high I’m reading up everything I online date chat I book things for the kids fun things I also stalk ex boyfriends social media page. I’ve been rejected three times in 16 months all walked out on me. Because I’m not satisfied with the relationship either and push them away sending them mad then chasing them begging them to come back but they’ve gone they turn on me.
    So it’s a three day cycle as a norm. I had some 5 day Ines they were too much.
    I haven’t slept a full week in 4 years.

    But here’s the problem I am unhappy isolated scared worthless strained when sober. Coke is my friend honest friend sassy friend calming friend and perststant friend.

    My family have abused me. My mother chose her pervert husband over me calling me a whore and to stay away from her family. She’s in denial one day it will hit her she abandoned her daughter for her life to not be challenged because of her husbands behaviour. I have no mother any more. My dad passsed when I was 6. So I’m alone with three boys. Big boys. I left their father in a blaze of strength 8 years ago I battled that man to be free of his controlling belittling ways he still controls by not helping with maintenance. I have the sole responsibility of their welfare. He sees them
    Yes loves them yes looks after them
    So I can work in my home my heating my electric.
    I love my children but I am feeling suffocated at raising them. I want to go away for a month and breath 1 not possible 2unfair on them they need me as mum.
    But I have no adult interaction at home it’s a prison for me. I have asked many friends to come stay with me they never come they’ve even stopped checking on me do they see none the wiser if I’m up to no good. Assumption is always I’m ok or I’d say.
    I don’t tell a soul I’m staying awake doing grams of coke I function I work I go on kids club runs hell even my dons birthday party.
    I feel awlful being like this but being sober is just empty I feel worthless a failure. If people knew what I secretly do they’d be horrified. It’s affected work but the opinion was I was just a mess I needed to sort myself out. I have a new job. Unfortunately is getting to that one too.
    I’ve sourced a therapist who will help build my core belief in myself again if it ever was there in the first place. Coke. It’s affecting my health I can feel it I would like to not let it be always there I think my job it’s impossible to get rid of it totally but I don’t want it so close to me like my best friend any more I would like to be my best friend find focus and set life goals instead of thinking something will happen. Feel reassured I will love again and no one will ever love me I wish to share my life with someone I have love to give I understand the comfort of having someone who you can rely on.
    I’m tired of blaming myself for all that has happened badley to me.
    My mum was unloving and no emotional support or love was expressed not my fault it’s not because my feet smell or I’m
    Messy or I look terrible in her eyes. I always felt in the way I was dragged with her not for me.
    She can’t accept this hurt I shared she said I had selected memory it was never intentional (never thought it was) and she felt like jumping in front of a train as it’s very hurtful telling her I felt unloved my whole life.
    My ex apologised for not being. More caring in our relationship. I left as I talked to him worse than anyone and I couldn’t have that disrespect for my partner. I actually dislike his presence around me.
    Not entirely my fault but I shouldn’t be the one to blame for splitting us up as a family.
    My step father objectifying me
    Not my fault
    I have never wore a low cut too since the day my mother told my step father. To stop looking st my boobs while I was mid conversation with her. I felt humiliated that I was to blame that she was aware and jeleous not protective.
    I have pain in me I’m crying out for support someone to step in but no one will I have to do this and love will not save me I do not love myself how can someone understand how to love me. I’m needy I’m
    Frosty I’m loving I’m cold I’m dismissive I’m frivolous I’m kind and spiteful and no respect because that’s how I treat myself. This was very therapeutic to write I visualise myself rested contented taking pleasure in my surroundings being happy in my own company not feeling isolated or worthless. Enjoying fun times but facing the day ahead no fear of breaking down. Happy children as. They are but not sending mums. Change of mood and distance. Being stable. I don’t visualise love yet I can’t be sure it will come yet. But I cannot base life on co dependency it would just be a added happiness to my life.
    So wish my journey luck I think I need it. It’s not going to be easy but I know it will be worth it free of relying on substance to blot out the challenges
    Nicole x

  • Kitty November 5, 2016, 3:36 am

    I’ve been functionally depressed much of my life. My whole existence is built around being a success, because otherwise I have no purpose. Due to growing up supposedly terminal, I feel that the only way to make my life have purpose due to surviving while other kids died is to succeed. Otherwise I have no reason to be, no purpose to exist. If my writing, arts, and business fail I may as well cease to be. This is what gets repeated in my mind, because despite surviving against all odds, I feel like I’m worthless. I grew up believing if I survived I could make a difference, and while I was fighting to live and have a chance at a life the world changed. I feel left behind, like I don’t belong in this world of time. It’s very wierd, and utterly lonely. Most days I am a walking comedy routine, as long as the humor flows I can forget my pain and failure. But when it stops, when the faucet is shut off, I return to square one.

    There are days I wonder why I lived, and all the other terminal kids I shared rooms with in hospitals over the years didn’t. Why did I device and recover perfectly, only to become an utter failure at life. Why? But despite that I keep walking and trying, hoping the few things I still enjoy won’t feel empty like others. I’m fully aware rationally and logically of how bad it is, and realize if I just worked harder things would change. But how much harder must I work before it happens? Or will it never occur as I slowly waste away?

    The worst part is I’m far from stupid. I’m fully aware of what I have, of my talents, of others, and of the world. That makes it worse I think, because then I rationalize myself to metaphorical death. I try to figure out why, and I go in circles further into the pit.

    I can go a few days before I get caught up in a down moment for two or three. But my creativity doesn’t drop, it stays the same or spikes. Night is better now than daytime, at night nobody can see me cry. Big girls don’t cry, winners don’t pout, comedians don’t let the show end until they say so. Keep it going, just keep on going, and one day hopefully things will turn around.

    Kitty

  • Aaron November 7, 2016, 2:15 am

    Every day feels like struggle. I wake up every morning for my classes at Missouri State University and it feels like a battle to simply get out of the bed, but I keep going. I just graduated high school almost two years ago, and everyone I know is getting a new car or getting married or having a baby or doing something successful. I have never dated anyone and it feels like anyone that I have any interest in, the feelings are not mutual. It doesn’t help being gay either because my options are even further limited. I just don’t understand though because I think I look good and I’m really kind and compassionate. I don’t understand why no one wants me. I recently got a full time job a month ago. I also bought a new car yesterday hoping that it would help and it has a little. I don’t know I just feel stuck. I want to be a Physician Assistant, but I have to complete classes first and I had to drop out this semester because I just don’t have the motivation to do well in my classes. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have time for regular therapy but I fear that if I don’t get help soon, I may end my life. I just need to feel like I’m valued… And I don’t feel that a lot of the time…

    • Jennifer Nives December 9, 2016, 3:39 pm

      Hey Aaron im Jenny I stumbled across this website being one of the walking depressed i guess. I read your comment and it really struck me more then most because of how similar. I want to be a nurse maybe in the future a nurse practioner but im one class away from being able to apply but i have no motivation its a fucking easy class too and im gay i have a girlfriend but she just got let go and all we do is fight. But i see babys and marrage and i get envious and sad.I dont know if you have friends that you can talk to but i now ive alianated myself from most and ive been reaching out to people here maybe talking to one another could help. So if you do want to talk id love to too. my emails jennifernives@yahoo email me if you want

  • WellNotWell November 7, 2016, 4:43 pm

    I am the middle child. All my own personal crises have been subordinated (by my own choosing, subconsciously or otherwise) to those of a sibling on either side. I’d write about them occasionally, but never speak of them, so it was as if they never happened. I am the strong one, the smart one, the ‘together’ one. And now as angry/hurt/resentful as I feel toward everyone who should (but, really?) and doesn’t recognize that I’m slowly falling apart, I know with as much conviction that I would despise their questions as prying, hate their compassion as pity. Is a vicious circle less so if you’re not in it alone? Haha! How would I know?

  • Helen Roberts November 8, 2016, 6:41 am

    this made me cry

  • Jason R November 9, 2016, 6:42 pm

    I’ve been dealing with depression since the age of 15 I’m now 44 I’ve been through everything imaginable for help and still I sit and hate my life the last 10 years has been he worst I lost my house my wife my job and got into drugs drinking and other crazy things I now put all my anger towards my creator whether it be god or whoever saying things like I’m gonna slice his throat when I meet him at the pearly gates I hate people I have no respect for life mine or others I’m very angry at people who are happy and yet I still go on feeling worse everyday it wasn’t till recently that I finally started to feel truly happy I think maybe it’s relief ? Whatever it is it’s better then what I’ve been feeling in the past I figured out how to stop the anger and sadness and the feeling of being a complete failure?
    I call it my permanent vacation day I’m sure most know what I mean? When I just couldn’t go on feeling tired all the time and wondering why I’m still here I decided I was going to spend one more Christmas with my family I’m gonna make it the best ever and then after the new year on my special day I’m going on my vacation when I decided to do this and I knew this was right for me a huge weight was lifted off me and I actually felt tingly inside I was happy I think since my decision my life has felt so much more easier my mind finally feels rested and all I had to do was decide to do this and pick a day.
    Most will say “no u can’t do this what about your loved ones” trust me they’ll be better off without me I have no reason to be here anymore there is nothing I want anymore other than an enormous lottery win and we all know how those go? (To people who don’t need it) anyway I don’t know if this is good to put on here but all I know is it helped me to ease my mind alot I feel a 110℅ better knowing I’m done and that there are no more problems in life no more disappointing people no more thoughts of hurting others or trying to make people unhappy just cause I am so I hope others out there who feel like I do find there answer it took me almost 30 years to figure my answer out but it sure made things better I have been getting along with people alot better and ive lost My angry streak and sadness and all it took was to decide a day to go on my permanent vacation. Good day to all and a good life see u on the other side???

  • Deborah November 10, 2016, 12:48 pm

    Never in my entire life on this earth == at age 59 now have my thoughts of wanting to die.
    My husband of 36 years walked out of our marriage without a word said that he wasn’t happy. The trauma and pain of this event made me feel not only angry but felt as if the floor beneath me gave way. I did find a book called “Runaway Husbands” which helped me greatly and realize I did nothing wrong nor deserved this treatment from someone I loved and lived with since 1979.
    Then…. only 4 months after my husband left me. my brother called to tell me he found my overseas adoption documents hidden in our fathers apartments. This again caused me so much pain and anguish because I later found out that all my relatives knew I had been adopted.
    Finding out after finding not only a 2nd cousin in the UK by taking a DNA test, but she helped me find a first cousin living in CA. We spoke and he told me that my birth mother told the family she did give birth to a baby girl in Germany in 1957– but that baby (me) died of a disease. My birth mother was a French Jew, and I was adopted at 3 months old by a rabbi and his wife from NY. I feel very cheated that they never told me I had been adopted, not even as a adult and I even was in the Navy too.
    After my sons and I moved to CA and eventually meeting my first cousin, I settled into an apartment but only a few months later,, another tragic event happened to me. I woke one morning and my eye sight was gone in my left eye. I found out I had a retinal detachment and had surgery to repair it… but only 33 days later.. my retina detached again, sending me back into surgery to repair it. Now not only do I have a cataract, but my vision is now deemed legally blind with 20/400+ sight.

    Every day for 3 years I have cried and the intensity of my wanting to kill myself is so overwhelming for me that it is constant. It was suggested by a dear friend of mine who lives all the way across the county for me to buy an “evil eye” to ward off any bad spirits or curses that have been placed on me with the hope my life will get better. For me to be this unhappy ever day has killed my spirit so much I don’t feel like my bubbly self any more.

  • Sophie November 10, 2016, 3:36 pm

    I cannot express how much this sounds like me. I go to work I clean my house pay bills etc etc…but I hate it all. I really really hate my job. But I go there every day doing the same mind numbing tasks. I do do my housework but I put it off for aslong as possible because it seems like a mountain of a task and another tedious task. I get no pleasure from anything atall except maybe food. People around me annoy me so much and I hate most ppl for no reason. Although working in retail doesn’t help as you see how rude ppl really are. I have let myself go and gained weight and don’t make effort to dress nice anymore. It’s so weird because as a teenager I had so much energy. I’m like a different person. Allot of the time I wish I could revert back to being a child with no responsibilities. I’m nearly always running late for work simply because I struggle to get out of bed. I know I need to help myself or go to the doctors but that jut feels like more tasks to do. You see I get very stressed at the slightest thing and get overwhelmed easy. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel numb

  • Yeyoung November 10, 2016, 7:41 pm

    I’m not sure if I’m depressed. I feel trapped and I cry when I’m by myself. But when I’m with other people I hide my sadness and pretend to be all happy and stuff. I want to die and I feel as if no one understands me. I’m not sure if I’m depressed or not because I can hide my sadness in front of people but I break when there isn’t anyone there. I do that because I don’t want people to ask me if I’m alright I hate it when they do that.

  • Tanya November 10, 2016, 10:49 pm

    Hello.
    What should I do when my parents do not believe that depression is real?
    I already told them about my depression and suicide thoughts, and they only think its a simple sadness that I need to fight.
    I know I need to fight the depression, but I dont know how, and I do really think I need a professional to help me with my depression.

    Sorry for my bad english, its my second language.

  • Anchal Gupta November 11, 2016, 1:51 pm

    Hi

    Thanks for this post. Posts like these help me in believing that ‘It is OK’. I’m a physicist and I chose to become one because I liked studying physics and wanted to give humanity a delta increase in their knowledge about the universe. This was my childhood dream since I was 10, but now, suddenly everything has started looking pointless to me. I have lost all the confidence in myself and hence I feel I just waste my time, and the money paid to me for doing research is going to waste, helping some deluded guy get his wine and food.
    I feel the thing I’m missing the most is the fun I promised myself to have when I will be at this age and will be a physicist. Nothing and no one comfort me and I don’t remember when was the last time I truly laughed and felt like life is awesome. I was not like this, I don’t know what has happened. I just want to become happy again.

  • mw November 11, 2016, 4:08 pm

    thank you for writing this i have recently found the courage to seek help after reading this all my life i have felt that i have never been good enough for people and that no matter how much i’ve ever done for anyone has been good enough. i wake up exhausted every day yet still go to work, yet by nighttime going to bed by midnight is a luxury i’m rarely afforded. I have done nothing but self destruct my body and personal life in some twisted way to try and seek acceptance from someone but no matter what i never feel its enough. i put on a brave face every morning and get up and do the best for my son he is my motivation. I recently split from his mother she suffers from borderline personality disorder, i never knew this when i met her, i never had imagined telling someone how i feel. After our son was born she could no longer hide her own problems, at this point i then felt there would never be a time that i could tell her as i felt ashamed that what she was going through was far worse her depression crippled her, she struggled to get up every day yet here i was at work somehow still going yet inside i was crying. Again the feelings of not feeling good enough crept in and i set about my self destructive path until i had destroyed the relationship. I have been unhappy for far too long and just want to find some stability in my life. I have still never to this day told her of my feelings i have always tried to portray myself as some sort of superman to her that just takes life as it comes and that nothing phases me yet its all a mask. I hope can find the strength to tell her soon not to get her back but for myself to hopefully kickstart myself and my road to happiness. Reading this today has helped me no end thankyou

  • john gentile November 12, 2016, 7:29 pm

    i was born into a middle class family. i never knew what i wanted to do with my life all i knew is i wanted a family and to love. when i was 19 i was working from 6am to 3pm at a company lifting 75 lb pallets all day and then working at arbys from 5pm to close at 9 or 10pm. i did that 5 days a week and i got suicidal. tried to find better factory jobs and there were none. they all paid 9-10 an hr and if hired on maybe 12 an hr. the work was so physically demanding i could barely get through the nights. the bosses treat you like a number and dont care if your car breaks down. no benefits. you get harassed about production numbers on a 12 hr shift. i am now 34 years old. live with my parents. my cars break down. nobody wants to date you. you are stuck living an empty life. i read charles bukowski and only him do i relate to. i dont know what else to do. i feel like killing myself every day but i cant because i love my family too much to do that. sometimes i feel like people have given up on me. ive made less than 25k my whole life and without my parents i would be homeless. i fear and dread life and work isnt like it used to be in the 50s. now its a 12 hr torture session where you never make a check that is enough. my body feels like the body of a 60 year old and my mind feels worse. i feel like ive been on this earth for millenia and im so bored, tired and frustrated and everywhere i look i see these happy people like in some cheesy hallmark movie and it just ticks me off. its like everything in this life is about looks and money and if you have neither than you are screwed. i do believe in god but that doesnt change my reality in the moment. so here i am working night shift, overloaded with all sorts of responsibility and feeling like im having one big lifelong nervous breakdown. how the hell did other people make it in this life? how do other people drive 45k cars and live in nice houses and make it all work out? im tired. i wish life would have worked out for me. i worry about retirement knowing that i will never retire. i have like 30 more years to go through this hell and even after those 30 years i still wont have enough to retire. we need to find out how to change this economic system we are living in because it just isnt working.

  • Peggy November 13, 2016, 4:04 am

    I’ve been walking this path,after kids left home,husband discovered porn,and menopause….My dog has been with congestive heart failure,and can’t remember last time had any type of fun,married 43 yrs.and husband wanted to have all his fun,young…now
    I’m home alone with sick dog,and working a stressful job 3 days a week.Iv lost my mother to lung cancer 1999,I lost my sister with lung cancer July 2016,and my little brother 52,is struggling with lung cancer….I find myself thinking When Harley the dog passes,I can be next….cause not much matters these days…..

    • Jessica February 10, 2017, 5:15 pm

      Hi I have manic deprion I have been suffering from and posttraumatic disorder from my child hood I have a husband but I feel like he really didn’t love our daughter and he wants more kids and so do I but it took 10 years to have my one daughter I really feel like I want to bee with a woman don’t get me wrong I love my husband but I just don’t have that spark feeling any more I don’t care about life or things I ware my PJs in public and every little thing my husband does wrong I pic at him for I feel bad but I feel like the maid because he leaves everything for me to clean and I can’t take it much longer I love my daughter it kills me I can’t have more I even tryed to adopt through DCF but that didn’t work well when I had them a lot in m like as a kid and they wanted me to write a letter why they were invold for everything my husband has an angermagement issues and it scars me some times every time I just want to got to the store by my self she Cry’s so hard not to be let with dady and then I end up taking her with me his father is nuts and every time we move he has to go too he’s a border and I’m the one that has to clean after him 3\4 times a year like I never touched it and even worse then before I feel that I have to keep going do to my daughter she is really all I live for in this world I feel lonely I have no friends and I can’t work I have disc disorder and my bones inside are like an 80 year old so I was told to live life to the fullest because I will be in a wheelchair soon and that kills me in side I try to do the most I can with my ADHD child that is 5 my husband that has as burger sindrom I feel like I’m not alive anymore that I’m just a zombie to live like this forever and my therapist stop seeing me do to change of insurance and they never gave me new one

  • Nicole November 13, 2016, 5:02 pm

    I did a random search trying to describe how I’ve been feeling lately….and I wound up here. This describes me so accurately it’s terrifying.
    I thought having children would fill the hole I was missing…it did for a while. Now I again feel this emptiness I cannot fill. I feel as though I am not fulfilling my life’s plan. Unfortunately my husband has an amazing well paying job so moving isn’t an option. But I absolutely despise my job…and there are no other options given that we live in a very small town. I miss traveling (two children under 3 and limited funds make it hard), I miss writing (had to get a job that actually pays the bills).
    I wish I could go back in time and change so many decisions that I have made.
    I’m not happy. I look forward to nothing, and everytime I try to talk to my husband he dismisses me.
    I pray for change, I apply for jobs left and right, but nothing is happening to better my situation. The emptiness continues. Today I couldn’t even look my husband in the eyes because I was afraid he would see the pain there and ask what is wrong and I don’t really have an answer for him. Everything is wrong.
    Instead I play with the kids before work, putting on a smile for their sake. I’m afraid the next 18 years will be like this…..

    • Staci Boucher November 13, 2016, 10:54 pm

      Yes.That sounds like my life.36,raising 2 kids And add in that I struggle with an eating disorder that I’ve had multiple trips to treatment centres with no success ,and too top it off,I am in a loveless,Brocken relationship.But I try to just keep pushing my self on,breaking myself down to the bitter core in my existsce of this so called “life”.? My kids deserve much more?

  • Sasha November 14, 2016, 11:02 pm

    What if it’s a spouse who triggers my depression?
    Sasha

  • Shannon Elliott November 16, 2016, 10:25 am

    I’m a 57 year old, divorced woman. My children and grandchildren have busy lives. I hate a job I used to love. I’m attractive and energetic. Except when I’m on my own. Which is a great deal of the time. And only sometimes, my sadness and emptiness is overwhelming. I feel stuck in a cycle of ennui.

  • Alayna November 16, 2016, 3:46 pm

    I had current relationships that did nothing but destroy me as a person. Im currently in a relationship with someone new who values me… about a year ago My dad was diagnosed with cancer. Everything seemed to be falling apart ever since. I recently told my boyfriend about things that have happened in past relationship and I feel upset that I told him. I find myself crying often, feeling like I’m an outcast, more emotional than usual, and I find it hard to get out of bed to go to school. I’ve felt like this for a few months. But It’s to the point where I look at others and wish that I was happy like them. I find that it’s getting worse and I don’t know what to do.

  • tina cena November 17, 2016, 3:24 pm

    I have a question what if your family always yells at you and calls you all types of things and when you want to talk you can’t because they don’t listen and there always against you every time. When you cry they don’t care what should you do?

  • I'm_a_Dork. November 19, 2016, 5:37 am

    I’m so sad. My best friend moved away 6 years ago and nothing was ever the same. Every person I try to become friends with shoots me down and I get up anyway and pretend nothing happened although tears fall sometimes–most of the time. I can’t stop wondering if I really needed problems though I don’t want them.
    I have to deal with verbal and somewhat physical bullying every: Sunday, Thursday, & Saturday.
    I feel like a complete loser even though the half of me won’t believe it. I always make something each day worth to live, but my life keeps getting worse. My best friend helped me find the best in me.. but now we don’t even contact anymore. And it’s been going Luke that straight for months.
    Her dad always moves places with her family but she can’t even have her own bedroom as a growing young lady. I don’t have slightly any word to say how much I feel like giving up. A family next is moving out and I pray to my God Jehovah to give me strength and help me, and that maybe my best friend will move in next door. I have so many doubt’s in that, but I don’t know why I always have trusted people.
    I don’t understand why my life should be so underestimated and wasteful. I know the Devil and his demons are on the earth testing people though.
    I’m always the one to be picked on. My mom tries to help and I love her that she cares, but I feel so lost.
    I’m lost without my best friend.
    I can’t even fully move on with my life. I feel like I’m stuck in a deep, dark and dank hole that I cannot escape from.

  • Lost November 20, 2016, 5:53 am

    I don’t know where to start, I think I have this, I constantly feel my life is slipping past and it’s all a waste. I used to dream of being a designer and traveling the world. When in fact I got pregnant and dropped out of university. & Iive About 1 minute away from where I grew up. I then met the love of my life. It was fantastic at 1st but he is an alcoholic who is clinically depressed, He only ever see’s the world his way & it’s only ever him who is unhappy. If I haven’t plastered a smile on or i’m not up beat he seems to think I’m attacking him in some way, my parents always need my help, as there geting old. My in-laws lay a lot in me. They tell me to look after their son & say things like he would Kill himself without me. I know he would, he has trouble going out in the world, so I don’t get to go out or see people, we never visit friends no 1 comes to us. All I do is house work, shopping & watch tv. iv been doing this for 15 years now& it’s getting harder to pretend im happy. I don’t paint or draw anymore. I don’t even know what I want to eat anymore. I’m embarrassed of myself and don’t know where to turn. I can’t leave as to meny people reliay on me. I fantasies of just walking away from everyone but I couldn’t hurt them like that. So I guess I stuck here. I never tell anyone how I feel.

  • Kathy November 20, 2016, 3:11 pm

    I have been depressed for such a long time. First off, my husband has never spent any real time with me. Our wedding day he sent me shopping @ Walmart with his mother (suggestion made in front of her) and then couldn’t understand why this made me upset. Then all through our marriage he has spent hours away from home after work. He never allowed me free time away from the home and kids. I felt so stifled and unable to accomplish any of the goals that I wanted. I’ve felt more lonely since being married than before our marriage.
    Once grandchildren came along, he would guilt me into taking care of them; telling me that I didn’t love them. I would give in and keep them every weekend, even though I didn’t want to. We ended up getting custody of them for 9 years and lost them in 2015 because my youngest son caused so much grieve that they couldn’t handle it any longer. My son has continued causing unhappiness in our house. My husband will not handle this situation with our son even though I have begged him.
    Now I want freedom from my husband, son and grandchildren, but I feel guilt with these emotions. Resentment and anger is always present because everyone of them act as if it is my responsibility to do everything without any help from them. I have considered suicide because I feel they do not really love me and just take me for granted. Therapy is out of the question due to financial reasons. What can I do? I am desperate.

  • Anonymous November 21, 2016, 12:39 am

    I know im depressed. After reading this article I feel even worse. Nobody believes me. Nobody has the time or power to hear me out. I have had the worst childhood but then again I think other people have bigger problems. I do nothing now just sit around because im too tired. Im an artist and got distinction in my work and now im just left alone. I cant work anymore. I feel im going through alot but no one cares. My wedding is coming up, im in love with the guy. Im happy but i fell empty inside. I cant live like this. We dont have alot of good therapist here. I dont know what to do. I create alot of fuss with everyone I love on small issues. I get furious, extremely angry that I loose my mind and no longer have any control over myself. I only see the negative side of me and always think of getting plastic surgeries. I know im very talented and I know im wasting myself. It’s been many years since I have been feeling such things and its getting worse. I will read your book. It is going to be challenging as thinking of having a good and a positive life actually scares me. I dont know why I just feel let things get well by it self. Thankyou for the article.

  • Rosann November 21, 2016, 12:42 pm

    My son hates me and won’t talk to me – over a year now. I hate myself and I’m so sad.

  • J November 22, 2016, 12:03 pm

    My name is J

    I have spent my entire life taking care of others and not taking care of myself. People who say they care about me have no idea what it feels like inside of my skin. I hate myself and feel that my only self worth is helping others. I listen to others problems and help them but then no one is available to help me when I need them. Some days I can not even tell people what I need. Some days I just hope to make it to the next hour. The day can start out good for me and then just get progressively worse. I spend hours and days beating up on myself all the while helping someone else that is crisis.
    My co-workers do not understand and or do not care. They don’t want to care. My bosses idea of carrying is to tape me to use later for a reason to fire me. I do not trust anyone. People will say that they care but they do not.
    It has been a very stressful year for me. I lost my mom and feel guilty for not being present to help her more in the last days of her life. My sister in law is dying with cancer. I can not tell you how many times that I have prayed for God to take me instead of her. No one would miss me if I was gone. She deserves to live. Spent many years with an abuser, got out but so lonely. I was abused as a child and as an adult. Frankly I do not know where to turn.
    I had to have a medical test yesterday. I do not really have anyone to call my friend. So I was by myself wishing that it was bad news and my life would be over soon. Not the luck for me. I have been on a ton of medication and had a therapist as well for years. I just want to feel joy. I love my children but feel like they would be better off without me. The holidays are coming and I wish they never came. I am nothing but a failure………………. Have a new grand baby coming and this should make me happy. It does for a moment and then all I can do is worry. Worry is all that I do all of the time. I just want to go sleep and never wake up every again.

    But I get up every day and go to work no matter what. What would people think if I didn’t work. If I wasn’t responsible.

    • Jennifer Nives December 9, 2016, 3:28 pm

      Hey J im Jenny. I kind of get you. Im sure my situation is different but i get not being heard. I get being kind and giving your everything and being that ear for everyone because you love them and i get having so many things to want to talk about but for me i dont even know what is is i want to say other then im just unhappy and just want someone to be there and listen back and just care for me. I dont know im not great with words. BUt if you do want to talk ive alianated myself from most my friends and im too scared to really talk to anyone close to me so im here looking for someone to chat with. you can email me if you want jennifernives@yahoo if you want

  • Lola November 22, 2016, 1:11 pm

    I feel this way every single day. I go to work and the entire time all I want to do is go home. When I get home, all I want to do is go somewhere else, but I don’t know where that is. I sleep to pass the time and find a temporary escape from the thoughts that are constantly reeling in my head. I want to be happy; I just can’t break free from this cycle. I’m not sure what to do.

  • Pauline Thomson November 23, 2016, 6:59 am

    I am 62 and have suffered bouts of depression most of my adult life. I had a hormone imbalance, which gave me very heavy periods. Was prescribed Danol tabs, later on the combined contraceptive pill, then had endemetriosis, which twice ended up with surgery. Despite this I had two children, got married twice, attended AA, for a while, was on HRT until I took breast cancer in 2012. I stopped working at this stage and feel I am constantly battling the demons within me. I find life a real struggle and feel very very desperate. I went to GP this week and she wants to change my tabs from taking two 20mgs fluoxetine to 10mgs cetralipam…At first she said it may be SAD I was suffering from…id only!!! Anyway…I have to wean myself off one tablet…take nothing for a week, then start on the other tablets….I really feel that I cannot cope.

  • Sam November 24, 2016, 5:24 am

    I am a young, third year university student studying Biomedical Science but also write fantasy as a hobby. Therefore, I found your article to be particularly pertinent to my own experience. I must admit to my own shame I had never heard of Walking Depression before reading this. Whilst I won’t burden you with all my life troubles, I have found it uncanny how relevant these signs are to my own experience. I love writing, but I do not understand why I cannot ever seem to get around to it as I do continuously deprive myself of time to do so. I do have nasty self-talk which can motivate on some days; though the results are laborious and poor. I hold unnecessary irritation and anger to those that are happy, feel distanced and seek solitude (though craving for warmth), I have constant low energy, late nights and shocking mornings and a consistent feeling of wasted life as I drearily complete mundane daily activities. Whilst I will not say I have walking depression, as I may be merely seeking meaning in what exists solely in my head, I feel that this is somewhat of a revelation. I have often thought ‘what is it to feel happy?’. To my utter dismay, I cannot recall being truly happy anymore. There are flickers of light in my (albeit secretively) gray, melancholy life; though this is not enough to spark fires into memory. I just feel very alone. Though I cannot understand why with family that loves me. I just wish for so much more in life I am not grasping. Perhaps this is reason enough to reveal what i have been blind to for some time past; I hope to write as beautifully as you have some day. Thank-You.

  • Ichabod Crane November 25, 2016, 2:00 am

    I’d give up but I’m not really doing anything. I have nowhere to go but above that I can’t stand going home. If I do something it’s mostly wrong if I do nothing it’s worse.

  • Aqilah azhar November 25, 2016, 11:25 am

    I have a sister, whos shows alot of the symptoms of walking depression. Shes been through depression once in her life when she was 17. Dont get me wrong our parents are the absolute best, but when she was depressed they didnt really notice it. My sister self harmed herself and they were oblivious to it. I was at a young age at that time & didnt understand alot of things. Now that shes 20, she opened up abt her past to me. I know with all my heart that she is a very strong women who went through depression all alone. But lately, she told me shes been distant with her friends & just feels down alot; she also told me it could be a little depression, she said that theres nothing much really happening in her life so she has no idea why she would act like this. She also told me she doesnt feel like opening up to her friends bcs everytime she does, they would just relate to it & say something like ” oh same ” bla bla bla and tell her abt what theyre dealing with. I think a lot of people dont understand the difference between normal sadness and actual depression. She also told me she doesnt really want to tell my parents bcs if she had to go to therapy or pills, it would cost a lot and she doesnt want my dad stressing on her too much. Honestly, i really dont know what to do & i think she deserves all the happiness in the world bcs of what shes been through all this time.

    • Jennifer Nives December 9, 2016, 3:19 pm

      Just talk to her be there for her as a sister. She probably feels so alone force yourself into her life she needs she might not let you know and she might even fight you a little but just be there. and as far as services there are a lot of free or really cheap places to go. I dont know where you live buy in my poor town we have behavioral health that really helps people with low incomes

  • Christie November 25, 2016, 4:38 pm

    I don’t know how to explain to my family I dread the mornings. I feel over whelmed with sadness and fight tears every day. I have a beautiful family, job, home ect… And I’ve actually been told what would you have to be sad about. I laugh it off. I’m moody, make plans go but more than not I find an excuse to stay home. I’m on Wellbutrin, 150mg once daily which has been ok for the past year but it’s not doing anything. Never thoughts of taking my own life and I’m thankful for that but I hate feeling this way and don’t know how to share with my family. Holding this in as long as I have makes me feel even more alone.

  • Kimberly Booth November 26, 2016, 5:10 pm

    for me, its not that I cant put myself first, I feel like maybe I am always putting myself first. I am a single mother of 3 girls, left my verbally abusive husband 2.5 years ago. I have a good job, getting child support, have a house, we are (should be) happy. But sometimes when things get over-whelming with my kids, I feel the words screeching inside me ‘I hate my life’, ‘I hate myself’, ‘I am a horrible mother’, I feel so alone but I feel so uncomfortable around people, my mom helps me and I have a supportive family but I am often moody and rude to them, I hate small talk, I am always wanting/needing to ‘get stuff done’ but in my 40 years of life……. I never got enough done yet? I am also the adult child of an alcoholic, my father possibly struggled with depression, but he, like me – kept going, no one knew he was depressed, just that he drank too much…..honestly I wish I could be an alcoholic but I just dont have the energy! I am saaaaad. I have gotten obsessed lately with this tragic news story about an 18 month old baby boy who died terribly…… I cant stop thinking about it, it makes me cry every day…. I didnt know him, or his family…… just was sort of local event…….

  • Patricia DiLieto November 27, 2016, 11:34 am

    First we lost my 36 year old married son to suicide. I took care of my husband for 17 years due to stroke and lewy’s body dementia. In and out of rehabs hospitals nursing homes. Depleted our savings. My husband passed in 2011. I had to sell my apartment. Pay off bills and move to a small rental near my daughter away from my friends, my church of many years.
    I’m miserable but trying. Joined Senior group, Church and I volunteer. My relationship with my daughter is not good. I cry all the time. Don’t sleep and my feelings are hurt because I feel like a failure at 77. I don’t know how to adjust.
    I’m scared and lonely. Very depressed.

    • N. b November 27, 2016, 4:03 pm

      Patricia, I am sending you love. It can’t be easy. It’s never too late to land a new hobby to enjoy? Love and light your way ❤️ How strong of you to have taken care of others for so long. It’s your turn now ❤️

  • Julia November 27, 2016, 2:23 pm

    I 100% feel this way. Sometimes I feel like I can take on the world when I wake up and then somewhere around noon I just feel like giving up. It feels like nothing has meaning to it, and I just want to runaway..but I don’t know where.
    I keep thinking maybe if I make a huge change I will be happy.. but then I think that I might become really lonely if I move.

    • Jennifer December 9, 2016, 3:15 pm

      Hi Julia i think im in some sort of boat like yous i dont know your whole situation but i can feel better by talking im learning just these last day or two. So im reaching out here to people i feel like i can talk to. I to feel likeim just waiting cuz we got evicted because my partner got let go and i keep thinking well after this maybe things will get better but i feel like ive been saying that a lot for a while but if you want to talk email me maybe talking to others can help

  • N B November 27, 2016, 4:00 pm

    I’m sad. Lacking inspiration. Under stimulated. In a new place, craving change but unable to figure out what. Lacking energy. At the apparent peak of my career thus far, but I feel so low. I’ve always known what I wanted to do next, and had so much drive. Now I’m losing control of that. I will start therapy soon, wish me luck.. I want to be happy again.

  • Nik November 29, 2016, 12:04 am

    I no I’m depressed but nothing seems to work, it’s getting worse, withdrawing from my partner and kids, just want to run away, anywhere, but don’t have the energy and no friends

  • LC November 29, 2016, 9:29 am

    I started to think this morning that I might be depressed. I woke up again feeling like I’d been hit by a bus, but I didn’t do anything to bring it on: no drinking last night, decent amount of sleep, etc. Everything hurts. I like the explanation of holding it together for too long. I think that might be what’s going on with me. A few years ago my husband of about 8 years at the time basically snapped and became very abusive, controlling, and manipulative, and a compulsive spender. I went from thinking I was in love to literally escaping my house like a refugee only a few months later. He smeared me to our mutual friends so that many will not speak to me, telling them basically that I had done all of the things that he did. After I left him he continued to send me written abuse via our court-ordered messaging system (intended for talking about the kids). The abuse stopped abruptly a few months ago, and our divorce was final almost one month ago. Now that I am safe from his weird legal machinations, the constant anxiety I had has been replaced by an incredibly heavy sadness. It’s dumb, honestly, but I just wake up and fall asleep with the question: “How could he do it?” I was a model wife — cooking cleaning, taking care of kids. I held multiple jobs, managed the bills, made sure his favorite things were stocked up, managed his family events (getting cards for his relatives’ birthdays, etc.) I built a home and he tore it to pieces over and over and over again, and when I finally gave up and left for my own safety, he told everyone I was disloyal, and they believed him. Just like that. Ten years of my life, gone. The guy I am seeing now just announced he wants to be a father. I’m still in my 30s but women in my family lose their fertility early. Not one has had a baby at my age without literally losing her mind afterwards. I will probably have to let him go to find a suitable incubator — which is all that I was to my husband, on whom I wasted my energy and youth. I feel like I’m keeping time because it would hurt other people if I didn’t. I’m losing hope for my own life. I love my children and the desire to not screw them up any more than is necessary has made me determined not to sink too low. But that’s about it right now. But I have two jobs, a dog, a boyfriend, two young children (elementary school), a house, many loving friends, and a large family that is supportive. And yet I’m hanging by a thread. I think that’s depression. I hate that it’s true. I feel like my ex wins if I’m depressed. I want to be happy to spite him. Haha.

  • Baher November 29, 2016, 1:58 pm

    I am lost i try to be open but people don’t understand . i am depressed but from the inside . can’t be happy easily . every thing that is considered to be sad or can bring happiness is just plain normal . things people say affect me a lot i can keep thinking about one word for days and it brings me down every time i move a step forward people around me bring me 2 steps back . i just don’t know any more

  • Rachael November 30, 2016, 9:11 am

    Today I have not gotten up and it is noon. I usually get up at 6:30am and get my kids off to school then head to work where my husband and I own a shoe repair shop. I feel blah, I don’t want to see anyone or even talk to my husband because I know I’ve disappointed him. I text him that I wasn’t sure what’s going on but I feel weird. It’s like my bed is a life raft today and if I get out of bed I’m just going into stormy weather. I have so much to do and my husband counts on me to run the shop and I’m home in bed feeling sad. I’m in a truly happy relationship and have 4 great kids…yet my brain is scrambled and sad and no motivation! So I googled “I’m in bed and don’t want to get up” and your page came up. As I started reading I felt as if I was reading about me. Walking around and functioning as needed but not happy unless I have my wine at night and my coffee in the morning to pick me up. Just existing, not enjoying life

  • Abby December 1, 2016, 9:38 am

    I feel lost. I feel like I don’t know who I am. I feel like the person inside of me, my soul, is screaming! I love my boyfriend to the end of the world. I can’t imagine life without him but I don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel like Abby anymore. I feel like someone who is just trying to get through the day, just trying to get through life. It shouldn’t be that way right? My boyfriend makes me smile and laugh but it’s short lived. I always feel like I’m on edge. I don’t feel a shining light inside myself. I don’t feel like I make my boyfriend happy anymore. He’s always asking if I’m happy and I say yes. I do feel happy but not very often and not for very long. I don’t feel like it’s my boyfriend that’s making me unhappy but I feel like I’m holding him back from being loved unconditionally. I love him with all my heart, I would kill and die for him. I just don’t feel like I’m giving him or myself what we need. 

  • Keeping Quiet December 2, 2016, 2:01 am

    I was wondering if anyone here had experience with PTSD and found themselves in walking depression after it was treated? My diagnosis was six years ago and was something of a shock to the handful of people I’ve explained it to. Externally I was functioning correctly more or less but the years of recurrent nightmares anxiety and other odd symptoms that it creates heavily damged my life. By the end of treatment I had managed to bring it under control or at least work on it enough to have it subside for a while. Then I had a trigger, a friend overdosed out of nowhere. It took time but I fixed myself back up, but experienced something I hadn’t before it feels like the PTSD mixed with clinical depression but they seem to alternate like my brain can’t decide what’s wrong. Having experienced years of therapy I know I’m not bipolar but really am at a loss. Best wishes to everyone here and I hope your struggles take a positive turn! Just to clarify not expecting anyone to fix this just if someone had a clue where to start as mental health facilities in my area where shut down 30 years ago.

  • James December 2, 2016, 9:14 pm

    I love my kids, but hate my life. If it was not for fear of missing the sight of their future happiness, I would end it. My marriage is boring, we are comparenting roommates. My job is lucrative but boring and unfulfilling & I have no choice since I am the sole family provider. I know it would leave my parents heartbroken if I killed myself, and they are another reason i have not. I find no pleasure in my old hobbies, they are work to me now too. I see nothing ever going right, nothing ever balancing correctly. I don’t know what to do. I volunteer because that is what I’ve always done, but I am miserable. I hate every second I am awake, except for time with my kids. That is good. They are the best thing I have ever done & I am scared that I am coming to screw them up too.

  • Leesa December 3, 2016, 6:57 am

    I do this every day I have come to just accept it as life…no time to be unwell…rent to pay kids to take care of…I used to draw I used to dance it is what healed me in my darkest moments…now all I do is work and sleep no wonder I feel so sad so often

  • Abel Lopes December 3, 2016, 2:24 pm

    Hi,
    Firstly, sorry for my bad English.

    Im a an actor, also directing and play writer. I have accomplished quite some things in my professional life, some really good achievements. I Belong to the 10% of actors in my country whom acctually have a sallary so i cant complain. I live with the woman i love, and i love my familly.

    I feel like this kind of unhappiness fills me everytime i wake up, it is even the story thread of my plays. I live like im getting too old but my soul os stuck in youth’s wonders. I desire meaning for my life but it seems the more i know the more i suffer, as there is no answer for death, and time ticks faster than my heart, that just cant keep up. Ordinary life is too ordinary. I long for that extreme feeling of falling off a cliff, delivering me to the unknowned. I cant stop to have dinner peacefully, as though i am still to do this ir that, but i dont know what that is. I feel also like i love too much, in a very greedy way, but time and the world do not agree with me nor want to be part of my idilic dream. I wake up atheist realising that i cannot do anything to perfect things, as again and again i feel like im genetically predisposed to this kind of unhappines. When i think about death, images of my mother and father dying, i cry. I dont want to believe things end like this for beautiful people.

    Sorry for these many images.
    Thank you

  • Will December 4, 2016, 1:08 am

    I’m usually sad, I don’t know why. I feel like crying for no reason!!! Why am I like this???
    How can I become more positive on life, I have everything to be happy about, I just feel sad

  • Melanie Carter December 4, 2016, 2:10 pm

    I can’t just up and leave. I can’t just up and change my job. I do not hold a degree in anything, so my rate of pay where I am can’t be matched, nor the insurance benefits. My husband received a kidney transplant and is on very costly drugs. I am stuck ! I hate my job, I hate my life, I am on drugs, they help me make it through the day. I take pills for depression, I take pills for anxiety attacks, I take pills to keep me awake in the day time. I take pills that help with my polymyalgia pain at night so that I can sleep. I feel normal very few days, I can force myself through the workweek most of the time, but I sleep most of my weekend away. I am exhausted!

    Melanie

  • Memory December 7, 2016, 12:59 pm

    All i do any more is cry, cry cry. There is nothing to cry about. I cry when I wake up, I cry at my desk, I cry when I’m driving down the road. I cry at cute commercials. I cry when I see an animal injured. I just cry. I’m crying now just writing this.

  • Dan December 7, 2016, 4:50 pm

    What if the people in your life and your daily activities suck the creativity out of you? Then when it is finally time to be creative and happy you are already too tired to enjoy your happy time thus never moving forward in your creative path. I work full time and I am a musician and I constantly feel like I am cut short of my creative ability because of the lack of time I have to be creative with myself and the lack of people around to be creative with. That frustrates me and is what is causing the conditions you describe. Its kind of like grow up and accept the fact that you can’t accomplish the things you want because of having to support yourself and rely on others to make stuff happen when nine times out of ten I can only rely on myself.
    Are you saying that I should accept that Im a middle class wage slave and quit having dreams and be driven? I should find a solo creative activity that doesn’t require me to have high expectations creativly?

  • Josh December 8, 2016, 3:40 am

    I feel like I’m spinning in circles, I’m trying to stay sober but I’m suffering so terribly, I can’t sleep, food is tasteless, I’m in raged , I’m having anxiety attacks and I can’t seem to get out of my head. I’m a man, a warrior, an emt. What the fuck is happening to me?????

    • Jenny December 9, 2016, 3:01 pm

      hey your story hit me im gay too if you want to talk i need someone to talk to too maybe talking and having someone to really listen to us is what we could use if you dont have time for therapy

  • rcn December 8, 2016, 7:58 am

    I think I finally found the place I am looking for and it is here in the words above. Years wondering aimlessly with depression, I think found my starting point. For me, walking depression (a new term for me) seems to fit. Some part of this interview has cut through the BS of how right I am and allowed me to see that I am not fine. Dang!, Hurrah!

  • Jenny girl December 9, 2016, 2:50 pm

    Im trying so hard to just be it seems. Last night i have a saving in a safe but it was unlocked and 100 went missing and i know thats not much but it just broke me. I spent 2 hours in the bathroom crying thoughts of suicide popped in my head i cut myslef which i havent done since i was 16 and now im 29. nothing seems worth it. my old hobbys arent fun my girl lost her job and even before that it was me who was the whose been the breadwinner. And its not like i have a great job either just a bartender. i feel like most of the time im sad but ther are periods when i feel fine. even now im tired and now as depressed as i was when i had my breakdown last night and unless im that bad i feel like just push through and youll be ok just give it time and things might change but they dont and my breakdowns feel like theyre happening more often and getting worse each time. I make appointments to behavioral health because i dont have health insurence but when it comes time to go i dont have the energy or im scared of going. And I see myself getting more and more mad and my girlfriend. I have see myslef snapping at her and mad because she cant see how bad i am mad because i cantdo anythng and mad she doesnt know how or wont help me the way i need to be happy. I told her i had thoughts if suicide and sje blamed herself and told me maybe we should break up that id be better off without her problems too that she didnt want to be the reason i was that sad and that killed me. I told her i didnt want her to leave that it wasnt her it was our hardships and now i feel like she wants to leave and shes only staying because i cried because ive been treating not the way i shouldim trying sooo hard to just make it but it feels like everything is just getting worse these thoughts wont go away. and i try to just keep going to work to pack stuff up for our move but these thoughts wont go away. I feel like half of me is dead inside.

  • Natalia December 10, 2016, 11:24 am

    I keep trying, but this is hard and most of all it is exhausting. I read something recently by an anonymous person which i keep reading every day so that i can feel this weight a little lighter… These are the words:
    “Under any circumstance, simply do your best in the present moment and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret. And remember that no matter what’s happening, you can efficiently fight the battles of just today. It’s only when you add the battles of those two abysmal eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly complicated. It’s necessary, therefore, to let yourself live just one day at a time – just today – just right here, right now. And do the best you can in it”. (Very wise and helpful i think).

  • Rachel December 10, 2016, 4:00 pm

    All of these signs ring true to me 🙁 I left my welfare job because of the stress of it all and I still feel alone, tired, without hope and purpose. And distant from people around me.

  • Zubeida December 11, 2016, 8:37 am

    After my divorce I felt all alone. I never cried, never took off time from work and never spoke about my experiences to a professional. I had two boys to care for and I simply “got on with it”. I dilligently went to work every day, sat in public transport for hours a day and then got home, cooked and cleaned and made sure my boys had everything they needed. I lived in this bubble, I felt rejected, my mom gave me up as a baby and now my husband deserted me as well…I felt (feel) sad quite often but I dont allow myself to cry because I always have “some work” to complete and never allow myself to waste time in feeling sorry for myself. This article is making me realise that I am one of these walking depressed….

  • Terri December 11, 2016, 2:03 pm

    I don’t know what to do anymore about my depression. For me depression comes from the anxiety I experience. Somedays I can barely get out of bed. I am hoping that things get better but I am losing hope at 39. I am suppose to always be doing something and I can’t seem to do anything. Most days I just feel like I am hanging on by a thread.

  • adthya December 11, 2016, 9:02 pm

    hi am adithiti…am 27, and married since five months. i could very well feel that i am not at all happy, even a small thing hurts me a lot and i used to think of it for a long time. often am crying, sometimes so badly am crying and can not control myself. now am 3 months pregnant, but am forced to be pregnant. in general i love babies a lot , but this happy news doesn’t make sense and excitement in me. to be more frank am unhappy. i really very afraid that i may fail to be good mom, often some unexplainable worry takes its upper hand in my case, suicidal thought killing me, but am afraid of it. i couldn’t even smile and used to fake smile nowadays. even my parents cannot get what am going through, i tried a lot to explain them what makes me this unhappy, they are simply telling this is called life and you have fight for yourself. more than all i find no love, no respect, no concern in this marriage. my aims are not at all a matter for my husband, being myself is sin according to him, he wants to change myself in all the things, he is not letting me to be myself. he doesn’t care about my likes and dislikes, he want me to support him financially and want me to satisfy his lust, he is sexually very very hyper active and i do have very very low sex drive, infact am not interested in sex, just because his behaviour ( i can not explain everything, i just hate to be with him in bed, he never let me sleep a day without touching me inappropriately and he never mind whether i say ‘no’ or feeling tired, used to ask plenty of please, please, please……..most of the time i feel nothing and just liedown like a lifeless bitch. my days are so hard for me to surpass and most of time am being unhappy. i hate this life and it sucks ….please do help me, i hope i ll start to hate myself soon.

  • Cat December 12, 2016, 10:55 am

    Thank you for sharing. I think I’m depressed.. my partner keeps saying it’s a phase but I’ve had it for a long while. Every single point you’ve made stood out to me. It’s sad. I don’t really know what to do. I’m trying to find a place where I can have a career in the future. Im engaged… and my fiancé told me to not think about the wedding..how? I know my top priority is looking for work but how can I not think about our wedding? I’m tired all the time and I’m breaking out like crazy. Worse than my high school days. I can’t eat, and I don’t feel like seeing anyone… my safe haven is my bedroom and I just want to stay here.. someone please help..

  • Danielle December 13, 2016, 3:28 pm

    iv always known of my “problems” for years now, iv been putting it off and keeping it in, not sharing how i feel and think even with my parents, boyfriends, family and friends , i just feel reallly shitty, and not want to feel like this anymore
    , it feels like a big shit storm that i havnt even started trying to get through! and kyeah support is what i need , but im scared that’ll be too much to handle

  • kiley fitzgerald December 13, 2016, 6:16 pm

    Right now, for me, there is no joy. I am completely crushed. The person I love has left me because of my depression and he will not let me try to get better. Though… I was on the path to recovery.
    I feel stuck. I feel exploded. I feel untethered and lost. I am so sad.

  • Jessica December 14, 2016, 6:18 pm

    I feel like this and I get this physical pain in my chest like it’s just a waste to still be breathing. Is this normal? I don’t want to say anything because I want to be a normal human being that no one has to go out of their way to help because I’m okay but now I’m not so sure… I cannot possibly tell my parents because it will ruin them and their image of me.

  • mark December 15, 2016, 4:33 am

    I have been struggling for years how/where to find an explanation for how I feel. a walking depressive, describes perfectly my emotions, I googled ‘I feel like crying but can’t’ and ended up here. I m going to re read these blogs over and over. Yes I am a creative person, a graphic designer by profession. Very few people would actually know how I feel inside, I can go out, seem to be enjoying myself, but inwardly wonder just how I appear to everyone around me. All want is to lift the weight off my shoulders and feel like I can actually take a deep breath, empty my mind of the negativeness and see the world clearly again without the mind numbing fog.

  • Struggling December 15, 2016, 10:54 am

    I experienced extreme mental & physical abuse at the hands of my mom’s second husband which led to a learning disability and anger issues. I was removed from the home and attended counseling multiple times per week for years. Although the counseling did help, I still had learning disability and deep anger toward authority figures.
    The rebellion against authority led to some serious legal troubles. At 17 yrs old I was sentenced to 6 months of department of corrections boot camp rather than a lengthy prison sentence. I am very thankful for the boot camp because it changed my life. The old me filled with rebellion, carelessness, worthlessness and self doubt was demolished and a new me filled with compassion, pride and confidence was built. I was mentally and physically transformed.
    I became a force to be reckoned with in terms of being mentally strong and my family and friends took notice of the change that occurred in me. I used all the tools that I learned from my time in the boot camp and put them to positive use. I set goal after goal for myself and raced to finish line of each goal. I educated myself, began a career, became compassionate toward others (even one’s that betrayed me during my childhood), got married, started a family, began practicing faith; life could not have been greater. Over the past 15 years as family elders that were highly respected passed away. I found myself becoming “the family rock”. Anytime family needed something ranging from money to mental support, they called upon me. I have always been there no matter what. I’ve even performed family funeral and I’m not a pastor.

    I still work at the job that I started 16 years ago. When I began it was a small business start up and now it’s a multi million dollars a year business and on the brink of becoming a corporation. I have poured every once of my heart and soul into the company. I sacrificed entire pay checks while continuing to come into work very early, worked very late and literally sometimes all day/night and sacrificed pay increases so that co workers could receive pay increases. I literally went from the bottom job of answering the phone and worked my way into a position of being second in command in a company of 75 people.
    For the past 1.5 years I’ve been in a mental tug of war. I know my family respects me. But, they expect me to be “the rock”. They’re aware I continue to work 55/60 hours per week and they still often call upon me for support.The dynamics of my company is rapidly changing and I’m expected to adapt to those changes in order to continue leading the company in a forward direction.
    I appreciate that family, friends and colleagues respect me. But, I’m tired of being their “rock”! None of them know or they just don’t care about burden that seems to be constantly placed upon my shoulders.The President & CEO of the company is racing toward his goal which will make him a really wealthy man.
    I’m truly struggling on how to handle the situation with my family and my job.
    Part of me want’s to say “expletive the family” because none of them have ever have time or show any consideration for me. Part of me wants to say “expletive the company” because co workers don’t care that your past sacrifices created jobs for them.
    I don’t know if I’m willing and or capable to continue to be the family rock. I don’t know if I’m willing or capable of being a part of the company’s future.

    The anger and self doubt that I experienced as a kid is returning nearly 30 years later.

  • Nia Sturgess December 16, 2016, 11:08 am

    I am feeling this ATM I’ve been diagnosed with depression a few years back and I often relapse. I take the lowest dose of anti depressant but as soon as something in my life for example- recently finished with my boyfriend for a short period then got back together to find out during the time he had been with another girl. Since then everything is a task, I have low energy can’t complete my work for my legal practice course and I’m falling behind. I’m worse in the morning my anxiety is at its highest it takes me a few hours to calm down. Nothing makes me happy anymore, I feel like I spend most of my time crying wondering why I can’t be as happy as others. I’ve lost all my confidence and I’m starting to withdraw from people especially my boyfriend. Does anyone else feel this way it’s hard to make people understand when they are not experiencing it ?

  • Tired December 17, 2016, 4:45 pm

    I’ve known I’ve had depression for over a decade. I wasn’t diagnosed with it, but it’s just one of those things that’s as obvious as the colour of my skin. To cut a long story short, I figured out the problem was my environment and I just couldn’t be happy living a certain lifestyle with and around certain members of my family. My plan was to leave home, start my own life and heal. The terrible thing about being a minor is that in the end the final decision is your parents. I worked really hard as a teenager and got no support. Whatever goals I had went down the drain and life just went on a downward spiral from there.

    Everything is so much harder now, and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces. I’m not doing well in so many ways and it has only gotten worse over the years with a ton of traumatic experiences. People say get over the past, but my situation had always been a bit “unique”.

    “Getting help” is just not an option for me right now and has not been for a long time because I have no money. On the other hand, I wonder if it would make a difference if I did. I’ve been told by a lot of people and a doctor to get over it. If no one cares, who would want to help me???

    I also have no money to make connections or see friends. If I did, how do I make new connections? The list goes on. Either way I’m truly tired of fighting. I look back on myself ten years ago and see a completely different person. I was pretty, multi-talented, hopeful and ambitious and now I’m a struggling nothing. I’m just an observer in my existence who naps a lot. It feels like a lifetime ago. I want my life to change but I’m so tired and nothing has gone right for me in years.

  • Crystal Miller December 17, 2016, 6:03 pm

    This article was exactly what I was looking for, to find something that applied to me because how I’ve been feeling seemed mild, yet abnormal compared to other people my age. So I thought maybe I’ve just become lazy, because Im not doing as much rewarding things as my peers. I’m 19 years old and I moved to Los Angeles on my 18th birthday to peruse a music career. Back then, I was a big dreamer and always looking for big exotic activities doing music, hosting events, it was when I was a senior in high school and hyped for life. But now that I reached my goal of moving to LA and being independent, Im drained. I work full time and I started out going to school full time but I had to take a semester off because I couldn’t find the energy for both. Im a full time waitress right now and that’s about all I do right now. My favorite part of my day is just going home. But It silently makes me sad because my mind wants to do MORE. Bigger better exotic things but the other part of me just wants to relax and not entertain anyone since that’s how I make my tips is constantly entertaining customers with long forced but enthusiastic conversations. I feel a constant battle in my heart ( It feels cheesy saying that) . But all my daily responsibilities of paying bills, going to work,shoot even feeding my self drains me but I do what I have to do but when my tasks are done I just check out. I look so forward to getting off work, just to..go home? Once I get home i just sit, or sleep, or watch movies , go to bed then wake up for work again. Everyone my age makes it look so easy going to a charity event after work, or going to a concert, or going out with friends , going to play practice but for me its seems impossible. And the fact that it seems impossible makes me feel like a joke, cuz my problem seems like it something that shouldn’t be a problem. I see what you said in the article about helping walking depressing by committing to a creative activity, which for me would be music. But when I play music (like I have all my life) it makes me feel worse because I should being doing that all the time and Im not. I battle myself in so many ways.

  • Austin December 18, 2016, 6:12 pm

    I routinely feel as if I am wasting my life. I am 23 years old, been to college, been in the military, and I currently have what most people consider a great job. I recognize that I have many things to be thankful for, yet I am completely miserable. I feel extremely alone and each day fades right into another. My anxiety is through the roof; so bad that I have a hard time going out into public. I have no friends. When I try to socialize with others they seem disinterested in anything that I like. I have one passion, and that is creating music. It is something I’ve always done in the background, but dreamed of making it a priority. My job keeps me on the road and leaves me with little to no time for myself. I feel like an animal in a cage. Life seems to have no point. Suicide races through my mind routinely. I just want rest. Freedom from everything.

  • Leslie December 19, 2016, 8:07 pm

    I have no time for myself at all. I’m a SAHM but night kids are in school during the day. I spend that time cleaning house, cooking supper, and my part time DS business. My kids are involved in sports and Cubscouts and I keep busy driving them around everywhere. My life is a constant whirlwind and sometime I feel like I keep it busy because then I don’t have to think!!

  • Neece December 21, 2016, 7:13 am

    I’m in my mid twenties… with a beautiful 7 year old girl. I have always had bumps down the road just like anyone but recently have been feeling alone. I have been crying out of nowhere sometimes just because I feel the need to and don’t find my like meaningful anymore, the only reason I push myself is for my little girl. I don’t want to feel this way and am afraid of thoughts that have been creeping into my head. My family has never been united and I came from a abusive environment. I feel as much as I try to better myself for the sake of my child and myself I just can’t find happiness.

  • ingrid December 21, 2016, 10:15 am

    I just googled “why am I not happy?” and it brought me here. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder as a teen; now 11 years later I am proud to say I function on a day to day basis so well without the aid of medications that I’ve forgotten that these aren’t curable diseases, we merely learn to cope. I just recently became a single mom and have been divorced for a few months. My ex and I split custody of our two kids and I now run my own household while working two jobs. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. There are never enough hours in the day and never enough help with the kids (my family is all out of state) and my own emotional needs take a back seat to just surviving the work weeks and making ends meet. Being a mom is amazing but its exhausting and tedious work with lunches, homework, laundry etc. When I spend quality time my household suffers and vice versa. I was a stay at home mom through much of my marriage and my ex worked to provide for the family . This is hard for me to take on that burden financially while simultaneously losing time with my children when i’m used to always being around. I feel like I’m going through the motions of my life. I left school and the degree I have been working on for years to keep a handle on all the plates I’m already juggling. I have a good job but it’s not what I feel passionately about. I work hard and make decent money but as a single parent , it never feels like enough. I feel like all the ends of my ropes are fraying. When I don’t have the kids I do enjoy having a drink or two and while it just to be a nice treat and they were few and far between with such young children, now I have nights free after my waitressing night shifts and its become a nice distraction I guess. I have hobbies and I have some free time in the evenings and I have no motivation to pursue them, I’m just constantly tired and feel mentally and emotionally drained. I read this article and thought wow, that’s me. I’ve always had the more extreme end of the depression that this is what I thought normal felt like, but it’s just become my normal. I have other emotional scars I haven’t addressed that I’m sure weigh on me and I probably need therapy but when you feel this busy its hard to make the time to sit and discuss things you know will hurt you to talk about.

  • Mike December 21, 2016, 3:54 pm

    I just feel dead inside.. I don’t get excited for anything .. nothing sounds fun everything is just whatever I feel like if I just drive my truck off the side of the road I would be happier not being here…I want to quit my job but then that would hurt my family and our bills so I go day by day just waiting for something to end me so it gives me an excuse.. I love my wife and my kid but I just can’t get out of this mood I’m in all of the time… it’s been going on for quite some time and I just don’t know what to do…

  • Souvik December 21, 2016, 6:38 pm

    I am 28 years old. I am from India. I work for an IT company.
    I always feel tired and find it very hard to wake up in the morning. I wake up in the morning go to my job and work in the most pathetic way as I hate it. In the process I ruined my career as I was not able to learn anything. No company wants to give me a Job. I wanted to change my field of work back home.I wanted to take up something that is less challenging and stressful to me so that I have time to relax and cope up with my depression. The company sent me to USA for some onsite project and things got worse. I had a small hope of changing my life back home but that’s gone too. In India if you cross 30 you are not eligible for almost any decent job in any field. I am stuck here, left alone frustrated and hopeless. I distanced myself from my friends. Everybody back home thinks I am doing great as I am in the USA. I hardly take calls anymore. I go out sometimes to visit places but somehow I do not enjoy it. But I would have given everything for going such places a few years earlier. I cannot feel happy or sad for others as well. I feel guilty and selfish for that. I have no idea how far can I continue this way.

  • tek December 21, 2016, 9:04 pm

    I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer in 2013. After going through all treatments and going back to work, I noticed a change in my attitude. Gone was the bubbly person that I was, the easy going, likable person…what I saw (and continues to see) was somebody with an attitude problem. I am always angry, I cannot take let downs and if things don’t go my way, I am sure to throw a tantrum that I cannot control. At work, where things can get stressful is the place that I have difficulty navigating. It is where ideologies clashed, egos collide… there were times I have to stop myself from crying and storming out. I know my co-workers hate me, and I understand. I would not be surprised if they want me gone already…

    What I am afraid of happening is losing the love of my husband. Our relationship is greatly affected by this. I cry a lot at home, in the car…and I am sure he is sick and tired of me saying “I am not happy”… he is on the receiving end of my unhappiness. Most of the time, I feel is he better off without me in his life.

    I know I should feel grateful for being given a second chance at life, but the thing is I am not. I feel I did not deserve the chance I got and it would have been better for everyone if I died.

    It is Christmas time, as I am writing this, but I don’t feel festive at all.

    I feel that I am not going to recover from this.- I need help.

  • Ettiene December 22, 2016, 7:38 am

    I’ve realised this by reading this blog….that my own situation at present (that’s been going on for the past couple of years I must add)…is not unique…and can actually be described as a “classic out of the book!!!”…..so, already I feel I am not alone….;-)

    I have this constant feeling….or inner wrestling with myself, that I am destined for greater things than my current situation….I just do not know how to get out of this!!!! I am frustrated as hell!!!….I am not stupid and I KNOW something GREAT is waiting for me….what that greatness is I can’t tell right now….but it is eating me up from inside….it feels like a bom is about to explode inside of me….where I will just tell everyone who is controlling my life to eff-off and give it your best shot…..what is destined to be, is destined to be….nothing you can do about it!!…..
    But time is ticking…and I feel it is a waste of precious time….

    My job….which I used to LOVE!….is becoming a real burden to me….all the politics….all the fighting to be recognised…..all the pressure to MAKE MONEY for the powers that be…….is really starting to p*** me off….sick and tired of working my arse off for people who gets the recognition who don’t deserve it at all…..sigh….

    And then….in my personal life where I’ve done EVERYTHING for my family….my wife and my 5 daughters….seems to be futile….why?..because I’ve set myself aside to do my best for them…and it doesn’t seem to be enough….never making ends meet….always have to improvise for everything each day….it really is tiring….and humbling….(which is probably the good side of it!)….sometimes I feel like I would love to run away….at the end of the month to take my salary, get in my car and just drive till I’m tired….and sleep till the next day….and just keep driving….to a place where nobody can find me….and then live out the rest of my days there….maybe in a kind of a subsistance way….I don’t know…..but then…the love and responsibility towards my wife and children kicks in….and I know this is only a fantasy playing off in my mind….

    Still….I KNOW I am destined for something BIG!! JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!

    Thank you for listening….(feeling guilty about this blog now…. 😉 )

  • Jo December 22, 2016, 1:43 pm

    I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since childhood. I think there’s a lot of factors but one that seems increasingly important, both from personal experience and talking to others is the lack of community and social inclusion. Psychiatry and psychology have tended to focus on the individual in western societies. We are social animals and feeling part of a community seems to me to be hugely important yet under appreciated. Other cultures recognise the importance of feeling connected, supported and that who we are is also who we all are together. When we’re atomised and focused on individualism, we lose meaning. Ironically, we lose ourselves.

  • U**** December 23, 2016, 1:45 am

    Yeah, i can relate to this.I was suffering from anxiety issues and chronic depression from like 6 years of age.Being lonely in early childhood can be a curse. I had to endure shitty bullying from the big boys in my school.They used to put their di** in my mouth when i was like 9 and do horrible things with me under the charade of affection-chocolate and sweets. Years rolled by yet i still couldnt find a single friend to talk to.My grades were pathetic and i had the sure impression that i was born dumb.Which was cleared beyond doubt by my teachers in high school.I took some medication to keep my thoughts in check.Unfortunately, everyone in my batch came to know that i visit a psychiatrist.All of them would laugh at me.Call me names like ‘mentally challenged ‘,’insane’ etc.No wonder ài had no friends.Yet i dont have any regrets.What hurts me most is that the one girl whom i loved intensely disregarding her hatred for me broke my heart and shattered my confidence.I became a real recluse.Avoiding even my parents,shutting myself in a dark room.Thinking why did GOD give me this life.
    For me ,the real cure for depression is having respect for GOD’s injunctions and setting a real goal and working continously towards realizing it.

  • pinneddownmommy December 23, 2016, 2:57 pm

    I am experiencing this..Being forced to love a “convenient” life with my child’s father when we Are not in love ..barely like each other…I want to be happy.Being a new mother and breastfeeding .I am constrained to my baby without a break.I am very creative and a bird like spirit..so I’m confined to one are ..its very different.I love beonv productive and working.I’m not.I miss immediate family..I was treated bad and had to leave the state.I have so much going on…..I tried to just be happy and make it work but I finally said enough…on this Christmas smh.terrible time but I feel I can’t fake happy ,especially this much .I do to make other people happy.time to do things for myself.

    PinnedDownMommy

  • Karo devora December 25, 2016, 1:19 am

    I feel so unhappy I’m so tired of feeling this ways I want and need help but I don’t know who and where to ask I’m so ashamed so I always act like I’m fine I feel like I’m unwanted in this world and I’m so tired

    • wantbehappy December 25, 2016, 3:31 pm

      today it is boxing day and I feel so depressed and i decided to research what it is wrong with me and came across this site. reading through your comments made me cry. I know I am depressed and I am trying so hard to overcome it. from outside i am bright and happy. but no one know how dreadful i feel every night . I am scared to go to bed as my negative thoughts will go Crazy. I know i have to get up every morning as my son needs me . but God knows that i wish i could just sleep forever. i feel life is so hard on me. I suspect God is trying to kill me in 2016. I had a worst performance review in my life which knocked down all my confidence and self-esteem. While i was struggling with that, my partner decided to leave me . we moved from nz to oz because he wanted a warmer climate. i just wished i did get back with him at first split. i knew he is selfish and not committed, but still decided to try my best with him. on the top of all that,I was studying to be a charted accountant. thank god, I passed all my papers despite of what happened. but the hurt, the humiliation and letting down are eating me inside out. I am going to make changes in my life and i tell myself i would not let all those shift beat me down. I Believe there must be a good reason for what happened. But God, i wish you can be easier on me. I am just a woman, how strong do you want me to be.

  • Brody December 26, 2016, 1:38 am

    What if you don’t know who you are any more?

    I feel like I am stuck in groundhog day.

    ?

  • mel December 27, 2016, 9:51 pm

    I hate myself. I always have…for 30 years starting at 7 for what i remember. Ive hurt myslef in silence for years. Im successful by many standards but feel worthless and stupid. Iwas anorexic and hospitalized once for it. I have a great family and everything a person could.want, but syill sad. On many antipressants for 20 years, but still sad. Went off them once and had a manic bipolar.episode.that altered my life. I get high daily to numb my thoughts. I am so tired even in my teens and even.very active in sports i still felt exhausted and sad. I am bipolar, ocd, adhd but with an iq of 130 so i feel i should be doing something better, but lack the motivation to try. I cry alone alot. Now onhigh dosed of antidepressants but they dont do anything. I have accepted that nothing will excite me and i have no feelings, but have become very good at faking it. I have my masters, but feel stupid. Ive literally hated myself for 30 years! Why? I have many talents and trophies, and traveled places and am not bad looking…..but yet i continue to loathe myself. WHY????? No abuse in my past….rich loving parents…ive changed careers many times and still miserable….complrtely different job genre….people have dreams and know what they want to do. I feel nothing and keep chsnging jobs hoping one will make me feel worthwhile…..but noting. I dint even hsve a favorite food, never have. My problem is i have never found anything i truthfully enjou and ive searched everywhere….sleepung is my favorite thing in the world, yet i still dont get joy from it. What causes this and will it ever stop? Hiding it from everyone is tje hardest part and pretending to be intetrsted in stuff.

  • Wrofrost December 28, 2016, 10:25 am

    There was once upon a time, when this boy worked really hard for what he wanted. He wanted it so bad, but he probably did it the wrong way or maybe he just was not cut out for it, but nevertheless he knew he wanted it. A childish dream, one that would never bloom no matter how much the boy tried, but he never once thought how futile his efforts were, he kept going forward strong.

    The boy grew older, the older he grew the more he started to question. The more he questioned himself, the more unsure he was. Until one day, a day when things went wrong, very wrong, he realised his dreams were just a joke.
    It broke him, his self pride lost. He cried, wept for his stupidity.

    As days passed, the boy slowly preffered the nights over the days. He knew he was falling into depression, but he was too proud to admit it, he was sure he would come out of it, too proud it angered him when people tried to help him. He was constantly sad, never happy…this went on for months.

    An year later.. he stopped feeling sad. It was a slow process but the boy finally accepted his past, but there was something amiss. The boy though not sad, he wasnt happy either and it took little to make him angry. He stopped caring about his own life, he found his life pointless. He had no more dreams, nothing left to be desired. He was plain empty. He grew tired day by day… college annoyed him.. everything wasnt great.. he wanted to be left alone. He quit college. He couldnt go.. it was hard on him. More so with the teachers purposely targetting him.. making it even more difficult, for the boy wanted to be hidden ..but teachers wouldnt just leave him alone. He couldnt take it. He Quit. He quit and never told his mom.. lied to her.. living the lie.. for 2 whole years after that. The lie hurts him.. everyday.. his mom still believes in him. if only she knew he quit college. She will probably hurt from it. She didnt help him when he asked for it ..when the teachers were presuring him at his worst. Maybe she just didnt know how bad it was.

    I am just tired really… I wish life was a short thing… I can’t take my own life.. sadly I am a coward. I just want it to be over. I hate this life.. I hate everything.. I hate everyone..

  • Llol December 29, 2016, 1:53 am

    All of this happened to me when I fell in love with someone and then I wasted a lot of opportunities when I can actually be with her (I was afraid for a couple of months) and then a 3 months ago I found that she’s currently in a relationship, which really made me in tears until now. I really hate myself for not doing anything, and I can’t move on somehow

  • Ashley b December 29, 2016, 8:44 am

    I feel empty. In my career patients are always thanking me. It’s sad because I respond with fake gratitude Bc I’m just there doing my job getting paid. I’d rather be sleeping. it’s the holidays so naturally I feel a severe disappointment. Tried once again to make family fun again like when we were kids but I realize with my parents divorce and us all adults it will never ever be like what I want because I no longer have the innocence of a child. I just got married too. It was great but fleeting. My husbands a great guy I guess unless oneday he disappoints me like everything else. I hate my body too. I’m tired of social events that I have to attend and i don’t care about what people have to say but I have to pretend. I hate pretending. I just want to have peace and quiet. I’ve noticed drinking helps but I can’t do that everyday so that probably saves me from addiction. I’m bored and lonely and just want to feel happiness. Idk if I’m capable of it. I tried and I pretended for so long and it finally all came through the flood gates…. guess what??! Everything sucks. Even writing this sucks Bc its followed with extreme guilt of me needing to be thankful for what info have. I wish I could do that too. But apparently I can’t. Anyway someone diagnose me so I can take a pill.

  • Yuval doll December 29, 2016, 10:27 am

    I am 23, i live alone which might sound amazing to somw but in reality it us not.
    I live in my moms rented apartment – she pays the rent and I pay the bills which come heavy sometimes
    I work five/six days a week. Every weekend. And I have no idea what to do with my life. At this age I am supposed to be free of responsibilities, to travel or study or live abroad but I can not because I have to pay the bills and keep the house while my mum relocated to the UK to work, I am extremely unsatisfied with my life I feel like Im wasting my time working my a** off but at pay day the bills empty my bank account.
    I cant even save money for a trip in the future and so I am basically stuck.
    I do not know what to do I am very much unhappy and can not reallt change anything at the moment…
    ?

  • Bill December 29, 2016, 2:54 pm

    I find it both sad and on the other hand, sort of gratifying in a warped sense that so many others share the same feelings. Not in a bad way, in that I’m glad others are miserable but in a way that I can at least feel like I am not alone, I am not the only one who feels this way. I do take some solace in feeling like I can’t be happy, I get down, I get tired, I get depressed and there are days where I just don’t feel like continuing on.

  • Lyndsay December 29, 2016, 7:26 pm

    Dear friend
    I have lived with depression for years but I’ve been able to hide with a happy Just smile, say hello, how are you…. expected respose…I’m great!….etc. Its easy to fake it. Nobody really cares but reading your article tells me there are some people who do understand and do care. Thank you for that.
    Sincerely
    What come next?
    struggling on

  • Pooja December 30, 2016, 1:40 am

    i don’t know from where to start, it’s just like i hate myself, not good enough for anyone, even for me too. i’m messed up.
    i seriously don’t know how to even explain.

  • sarah January 1, 2017, 10:15 am

    i daily feel life is a very hard slog,i walk around and carry on with ‘normal’ life,and yet im crying inside for someone to help me get out of this utter darkness.
    i have had counselling and yes good at the time but now back to my life it effin hard,like really hard…
    i never want to talk to people,i always thing its best to be on my own,that way i cant get hurt can i….
    i often have arguments with neighbours,if im honest im probably the most unpopular person in my neighbourhood,and yet i am a nice person deep down,i feel this is my life and i am aware this depression runs in my family.
    i dont have a partner nor friends really,and feel i cant talk to my ‘family’ about the sadness that controls my life on a daily basis..

  • Herneet Dhaliwal January 1, 2017, 7:51 pm

    I always feel suicidal and I discovered there’s more to it after reading this. It’s nice to know that I’m nit alone.

  • Jo January 2, 2017, 9:34 am

    I hope someone reads this and can help me. This article describes me almost to a t. I feel miserable all the time. I am at a loss of what to do. I cannot afford a doctors visit and I cannot afford prescription pills. In the past I have taken anti depressants (Effexor, lexapro, etc..) and adhd meds, but I could never take the right amount or every day so that made matters worse. By all rights I have no reason to feel this way I have a wonderful small family and a home. But I am either raging mad or inconsolable sad all day every day. I hate absolutely everything and I want nothing to do with the outside world or my family. I blame everyone else for everything and why not? I never wanted kids, or to be married yet here I am. I am totally addicted to marijuana as it is the only thing I can function with. I feel like no one in the world actually cares about me in the least. My spouse is too busy and my kids too young. I just don’t know how to live all I want is to be content and exist peacefully. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt any happiness or joy. Everything is a chore, most days I have so little energy I barely move. To sum it up, I hate life but more than that I hate feeling this way. There are no answers for me and I most defintely feel like the is no hope or point. I was not going to go there but..I also think about death and killing myself all day. Not that I would ever self harm too much, but none the less the terrifying thoughts are there. Thank you

    • Ol McDonald January 16, 2017, 2:29 pm

      Kys

  • Bridget January 2, 2017, 12:40 pm

    I have all these symptoms. I especially have noticed myself wanting more and more food and grabbing more and more coffee becuz I think it’ll make me feel better, as well as I am very extremely irritated with the people I live and work with and I feel like life isn’t worth living which makes it impossible for me to focus on my work. I just want it to end. I am behind on work, on bad terms with my family , and am gaining weight. 🙁

  • atb January 2, 2017, 1:38 pm

    I deliberately did not have kids and made sure I found the right person to marry…but paraphrasing an old saying, “things don’t always go as planned…” Seems like I should be happy. I’m making really good money and my husband loves me and my parents are well…but so much change has happened in the last two years that I’m now just exhausted. I am the main breadwinner, my parents have moved away and are not together anymore…my only sibling and I are no longer close…my old friends have changed…I just feel like I don’t really belong anywhere anymore. I like my job but have lately been overwhelmed by having to adhere to “normal hours.” I used to work out a lot and was always busy and energetic but now, I just want to isolate myself away and stay in bed all day, if possible.

  • Steve January 3, 2017, 7:57 am

    I’m a 38 year old man living the American dream. I have a beautiful wife, two young children, a good job, a nice home, two cars, and enough money to pay the bills. But I am miserable.

    I’ve survived two serious episodes of depression. One in 2005 and another in 2014. This latest episode started in October 2016 and is not as bad. I am functional, but I feel dead inside. I feel sad and afraid. There is no relief at home or at work. My days off are actually worse because I don’t know what to do with myself during my down time. Everything is difficult and requires so much effort.

    I am in therapy and taking medication but nothing is helping. I am a Christian, go to church, study the Bible, and pray, but it feels like God is not there. I exercise, watch what I eat, meditate, read positive affirmations, journal…and still, this feeling of emptiness and sorrow refuses to lift.

    I am tired of this existence. I can’t reason, think or will myself out of this. I understand why people turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. to escape this feeling, but I won’t go there because I’m smart enough to know those things will only make things worse.

    I also understand why people kill themselves. I even tried to in 2005 but was saved by a miracle. I wanted to try again in 2014 but I didn’t because by that time my kids were born and I couldn’t do that to them. They were and are my reason to go on living.

    I cry out to God every day to take this burden away. I have to believe that this is only temporary and that there is a reason for my suffering. I know there are plenty of people who have it worse than me, but that still doesn’t make me feel better.

    The thing I want most is peace and contentment. I just want to feel safe again. I am normally a very laid back, confident guy with a good sense of humor, but right now nothing is funny to me and I am nervous and afraid of everything.

    Please God, take this away from me and fill me with a spirit of peace, joy and confidence. Please be with everyone who is suffering from depression and anxiety and give them hope to carry on.

    • Brandi March 2, 2017, 9:25 am

      Know that someone has reached out to hold your hand. You are not alone….and I am at my very lowest state right now. out of the hundreds of comments on here, this one spoke to me the most. That doesn’t mean my life is like yours. It means that God told me to reach out to you specifically and tell you that I am holding your hand. I hope with everything in me that you, and i, and everyone in this forum finds peace and true happiness. Depression is a killer to say the least…. but with this forum and many others, I know that there are others out there feeling the same. We all need hope. so take my hand.

  • Kirsten spargo January 3, 2017, 1:20 pm

    Oh this is me, this is me… Thank you for writing this piece. Walking depressed, walking wounded. I clutch to the candles in the dark, some slip away; but some stay. Trying to give myself permission to keep fighting.

  • Unknown January 3, 2017, 2:53 pm

    Most of these are true but it’s nothing suicidal that I feel (sometimes I get those thoughts but they don’t stay too long). I’m not bullied or anything but anytime I’m outside the house/at school I instantly notice I feel depressed. I want to change but I hate attention within my family and we don’t have a lot of money. I’m stuck. My family are often times too emotional and it just makes me want to kick a bucket over and over again. I’ve had enough emotional things even though my events haven’t been big in other people’s eyes (which no one knows about) but are big to me. What do I do? :/

  • Unknown January 3, 2017, 3:02 pm

    Same guy with the name Unknown,

    I want to open up to someone but, I just don’t have anyone to trust in my opinion. My parents or other friends are simply too emotional, wouldn’t know what to do, or I’m not close. I had a friend that I could and I did, but I moved as I haven’t had contact with him in a long time …. Makes me sad just thinking about and writing this write now, probably a big step in my depression. I want help, I can’t get it though. I want to fix my life before it gets worst. Before this depression turns into something really serious. I’m 14 and I care for my future. Doesn’t seem too bright right now. I want to fix it before it goes bad.

  • Phoenix Girl January 4, 2017, 6:49 pm

    I have every symptom. I agree with all of it. And i accpet it as my reality. I’m only holding on for the others around me. Any day now, i think i will get to the point were i decide enough is enough. And i don’t fear when that day happens; i welcome it. But i feel this way because i never said anything. I was too little too late. If you feel this way, know you need to say something. People care, and they want to help. I can’t practice what i preech unfortunatly… It’s too late for me. It’s not too late for others though. Hold on, for the good of yourself and others. “Like a flower in bloom, Like seasons, a mind will go back to being oneself.”

  • ... January 5, 2017, 11:56 am

    i started crying reading this because i realised that every single one of those aspects applies to me, but i cant do anything about it

  • M.Tango January 6, 2017, 7:03 am

    I’m confused by most of these comments in replies.
    But here’s my story:
    First it’s heartbreaking each time I research on life hampering issues I always see more spiraling emotions mostly coming from an about, women, girls, family, children, Divorce, lack of money or aptitude to discover work for money.
    Of course I’m writing here because I have all the above issues but not in exactness to these trends.
    As to the ways most of your comments or replies relates.
    It’s makes me somewhat bored & even more confused. Troubled also – as my search is long in pursuit and I’m 46th years of age in these last months and I wonder, wondered, wondering…. Why?
    1.theres isn’t a replica example written above or one that Can be found anywhere in relation to me – which by the way (Thank You) I’m calling my circumstances “Artist Depression”. Somewhere between level 2 & probably spiraling to a level 3. I won’t make it to level 4. Oh God! I’ll be dead by then.
    No im not suicidal, artist of today’s universe (I think) are less preemptive to suicide or even suicidal thoughts.
    Worried? Yes I am.
    Troubled? Yes I am.
    A mixture of being afraid, subjugated, vulnerable, oppressed, criticized, physically harmed, injected, demonized, technorized, trivialized and innocently but thoroughly scrutinized is more of what I have been constructively alerting my self to on a daily basis.
    All are uncomfortably a part of my life & I didn’t ask for it.
    I’m an artist. I live Art. I believe art is Multilingual, multicultural and I believe art covers the vast universe which is not only in relation to our earths physical hemispheres.
    I believe art transcends, magically uplifts and incarnates itself into worlds of the greater unknown.
    I believe we are all a part of art but I also believe art is mostly defined by just the occasional few – which also I believe is getting by these years, fewer and fewer.

    I’m not a writer – Ive Never Deeply considered wanting to become a writer. But in a way life is that of a writer. Writing Righting the things we best believe to secure our futures.

    I’m just an artist – I love being creative so much that creativity is even lesser and lesser a thought or an admonition. I Just Create!!!

    For 46years of most of my knowable life – & – that’s the first part of my noticeable “Artists Depression”. I use to be talented but not anymore. If I had this problem when I was simply talented I would have called it “Talents infused with Depression”. But talents are the discoveries of our (my) artistic abilities.
    Talent is also sometimes singular but a true artist will constantly acquire talents.
    An artist transforms talents as from a RAW Material into manufactured (choreograph) art.
    There are artist reflective of the physical natures, there are artist of homogeneous natures, there are artist of superlative natures (social trends etc.,) but the most profound (ARTIST) of them all, are those of an “Intellectual”.
    An (in my tears I relate) intellectual artist is the few in a vast majority of artist (overall) who are interlace with her (our, his, hers, mix, etc.,) common characteristics.
    Not having a hand but can paint with her feet/toes etc.,
    Not having her feet but could ride a bicycle, not knowing she is beautiful but only creating beautiful moments artistically in other people’s lives.
    As an intellectual artist I have collected over my 46 years of knowledgeable life a list of (RAW) talents.
    With dedication one by one or sometimes 2 at a time I worked tediously to harness each attribute into a perfect piece of finished work.

    Finally at this time in my life I am a little faint, Wearied, wronged, failed and DEPRESSED.
    I want to Rest, but I’m afraid to give into it. Because the woes of the unsuspecting can culminate so quickly like a flood unbeknownst especially if I give to sleeping. Though I need it? In a city where I live NYC there isn’t a Mountain-or-rooftop-like but FREE for especially the “Intellectual Artist”.
    Traveling to find a mountain in THE midst of an Intellectual Artist prime time is similar to going to sleep feeling afraid to (if slept or travel too long) upon awakening ones art will be compound by added circumstances.

    I found a list of Depression Nodes yesterday afternoon and they were so troubling. Troubling, troubling – troubling.
    I pushed myself and resolved after as it was exactly 12:37 Am I walked home in the cold instead of taking the train. ( as an IA the content of assimilating the course of taking the train vs walking, time =s travel= less stress vs preferred health & most likely the results is at worst a break even analysis). Most people are knowledgeable of NYC subways.

    I was home by a few minutes before 12am and use a little time to become pragmatic enough to stamp myself into bed. Into bed but not to sleep or with the hope maybe I will fall asleep.
    I’m DEPRESSED as an intellectual artist God I cannot figure this one out & I am slipping I am afraid deeper.
    Not suicidal but certainly each night at times I ask or say to my self “Michael You Are Dying”. Almost true to it as I’m feeling my life draining down a tube. If I can only find that tube and shut it tightly then my energies would come reversing back up to me.

    Artists Depressions:
    So I copied your description below:
    Rest. God help me I want to rest, need to rest – but I’m so afraid. Of what? Of the realities of life’s pressures mostly with the knowledge of real time support. Example: an electric plan does always have a backup generator (no one to back me up). Added Oil to run each backed up generator especially if in an emergency (monies are low got to keep going or else) and support failures (hr-malpractice).
    Also in the most of your above response and replies: people appear to be PERFECT.
    “Intellectual Artist” who are suffering from “Artists Depression” are NOT perfect. Will actually in-perfect themselves in order to redesign and even more perfect you. We are very, very unusual people. We are hardly or sometimes cannot be recognized though our drives establishes profound energies in people’s lives.

    As a child (not yet knowledgeable or remotely avid to discovering my IA, I converted the “Talent of Artistic Correspondence” as I was watching the television.
    From that day I never Or scarcely watch tv commercials ever again. Why?
    99% of the commercials were exhaustive in a subliminal design to communicate a message to the knowable sensibilities of most people who mostly are not IA. The extreme results is most people become influence negatively but may never be aware of how or why they’ve suddenly attuned themselves, to greed, violence, theft and anarchy.
    They’ll never know that much of a televised commercial advertisement with know knowledge of its producer are speaking the greater message to an inept part of human communication.
    Everyone thinks that “Body-Language” is interpreted only by looking at a girl dressed in a bikini. Wrong!
    Everyone thinks that the vast plurality of our innate visions are recognized only as we open our eyes and looking froward out of them…wrong again.
    We can take a look at a flock of seagulls- see them all the take a 5-seconds video shot of the same view, place it upon a projector and allow it to review, play/review. Looking for a few minutes on would see a different seagull each time. Power of intellectual understanding is untouched as most of us are not aware of who are those that are Intellectual Artist and how important they have contributed to our societies.

    Next:….Make use of medication and other physical treatments.
    I personally do not know how to discover this and frankly what am I to expect from ingesting a pill? As the idea of ingesting a pill pushes an IA to properly assert to each description. And because it’s not an or a product of Art an AI may discover that the mass majority of a pill’s side effects may sometimes out weigh the purpose of goals of it ingestion.

    Next:
    Do therapy.
    I love this ONE. But also it (I think) can be extremely HARD to find and the collateral of finding it sometimes may inept your ability on finance or coat control.
    I’m personally interested in this aspect from an AI’s point of view. And God don’t I need ONE. Save me if you here and your out there save me. I need help I really do. (Thanks)

    Next:…
    Practice gratitude. I don’t understand this. For sure not volunteer or free work? As often times all types of especially artist Depression are a derivative of low/no, income lack of normal jobs vs salaries etc.,.

    Next:…
    Make connections. Truly Au’s On my way! Pluralities does work. I don’t stay at the office all night anymore, I now work better at a cafe and in the deepest stage of my depression I go to a 24 hour motor repair garage to act as I’m interested in what’s going on.
    Mechanics never listens anyways so when I talk they just say I am crazy – they’re probably right. I do feel better and then next time I bring them nuts …Everybody’s happy.

    Next…
    Reduce your responsibilities. Need a couple of the above to do this but, certain physical responsibility is right to realignment oneself to probably not Drive, walk, not eat at a McDonald’s instead snack at a high end restaurant., not walk into a busy pedestrian sidewalk – take a chance and walk in the streets but not in traffics way. (Sure: most people aren’t aware of real life threatening responsibilities).

    Next:…
    Spend time creating. Yep! But that’s certainly NOT for an IA. For the average artist painter, sculpture etc., yes certainly because these types of art can be left To Be Continued. Dancers art? Hardly never, the program choreography must be completed upon inception. Artist songstress No! She must engaged her notes properly before leaving it up to the technicians on the mixer.
    Next:…
    Change your thoughts. Yes! It’s the same as saying “Become Careless”. Because it’s ok sometimes to walk away. Even if it seams the entire life of your past history. Nothing beats any new beginnings especially if you did not allow an unpredictable possible negative ending.
    Next:…
    Develop a meaning practice. Songs like the same above. Or is this finding a new job etc., either way Yep! Comes over as new beginnings. Which I honestly don’t want but if it’s my only choice I would need help to choose and make that adjustment.
    Next:…
    Change your life. Oh boy! That sounds like becoming suicidal.
    You CANNOT change your life in that aspect of things. Not possible. You just can’t.
    If anyone could would be myself and as an IA? I have sort this approach constant for Manny months. No. can not happen. Won’t.
    Things that help people change their lives… Kids, spouses, rituals, fantasies etc., etc., IA’s only focus outside of our IA is a partner or companion to our IA.
    Even that is sometimes hard to find.
    Believe me Ive been searching from since my emotionally knowledgeable 5-7 years and I can relate to every emotion from ever since.
    So I’m depress and I am so sorry to tell you., above all of my talents as an Intellectual Artist? It is crying pain a really bad feeling.
    So I will stop now as I’m due for a production tonight of which it’s grandiose was postponed from 12/30/16 to this tonight 01/06/17 a much less and mediocre production.
    Thanks again
    Michael

  • James January 6, 2017, 10:54 am

    I’m 5 years late to this post, but just wanted to say it resonated a lot with me, and I believe it will come to be very helpful to me.

  • New Flame January 8, 2017, 5:08 am

    Depression can be so inward looking, it feels like once you start a negative thought you soon feel like you’re sinking in quicksand and only perspective can pull you out. Those with deeply analytical and creative brains are more susceptible for sure, extraordinary empathetic people – and that’s the injustice of it.

    I find listing all the amazing things about yourself and going for a walk every day helps. Remember your uniqueness and importance. Re-engage the frontal lobe. Depression is a science and seeking to understand it can guide you on a path to understanding yourself. You are worth it. You are bigger than this. How many of these things sound like you? Write them down every day.

    Inventive
    Exciting
    Thoughtful
    Powerful
    Practical
    Proactive
    Productive
    Professional
    Quick
    Balanced
    Achiever
    Leader
    Literate
    Initiator
    Original
    Outgoing
    Particular
    Active
    Positive
    Consistent
    Compassionate
    Incredible
    Independent
    With Integrity
    Mediator
    Emotional
    Cheerful
    Forgiving
    Sensuous
    Generous
    Sporty
    Devoted
    Candid
    Rebellious
    Cooperative
    Industrious
    Interesting
    Racy
    Meditative
    Understanding
    Quirky
    Competitive
    Political
    Social Consciousness
    Modest
    Courageous
    Enthusiastic
    Enterprising
    Facilitator
    Focused
    Genuine
    Open Minded
    Wise
    Sensitive
    Sense of Humor
    Sensible
    Sincere
    Skilled
    Solid
    Communicative
    Helpful
    Responsible
    Results-driven
    Results-oriented
    Self-reliant
    Organised
    Knowledgeable
    Logical
    Personable
    Pleasant
    Flexible
    Adaptable
    Persuasive
    Perceptive
    Insightful
    Trustworthy
    Easy going
    Good listener
    Imaginative
    Warm
    Ambitious
    Diplomatic
    Curious

  • Laura January 9, 2017, 9:17 am

    I have been reading about depression and have never heard about walking depression but Im sure this is what i have . Every day its the same routine I look kept together but inside im dying , i hate life ,sometimes i hate being a mom im so draind from everything around me i wish i could hide away alone and not deal with my life . I put this front for my kids but i dont know how much longer i can keep it up .

  • malar January 9, 2017, 9:48 am

    i hate my life. i cant take this anymore. i am frightening even for small things i cant take this anymore.i feel very worse, sitting in the room alone whole day and crying i dont know what to do .please help me.my brain stopped working i am suffering from depression for 10 years and i cant take this anymore.i am just 21 please help me

  • Aditya January 9, 2017, 8:14 pm

    I feel this depression feeling since… I know that my love of my life who I will marry next year, isn’t a virgin anymore. I’m a religious person and hold a principal to stay virgin until marriage.
    Turns out my girl whom I have fallen in love with since 5 years ago has had an experience with someone before.
    Since then, I don’t know what fun is.. I used to love traveling and scuba diving.
    I did all of those this month but I still feel empty.
    Any suggestion? I don’t want to leave her but I don’t know what to do also.

  • Kass January 9, 2017, 8:26 pm

    I don’t know how i can change my thoughts, i’m always over thinking everything. I think too much, and i tell that to people they ask me whats on my mind or stop thinking but i simply cannot stop that and cannot explain whats on my mind cause i have to much on mind so how can i change that?

  • anony January 10, 2017, 7:03 am

    I do find myself matching up to a lot of the symptoms… But not all of them. I could be in school and feel extremely happy to be around my friends but then the minute i get home I feel like I’ve just wasted my time on lessons I didn’t get anything out of. I find myself trying to miss out on school for one reason or another and I end up missing a lot of work and so by the time the work builds up I end up being more depressed because I can’t keep up… My mum says I’m not depressed that I’m just dramatizing everything…. and this make me feel alone. Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and cry and cry and then other times I’d be up early going for jogs and listening to music. I don’t know what’s wrong with me I feel like I am worthless and unimportant. I start to think of my future but…. I don’t see one. Sometimes I get really frustrated with the education system and I start to think if I could talk to the department of education if I can just get someone to listen I could make a difference, But then I slowly start to realize this high is only temporary and I’m going to hit my low very soon again. I’ve gone to several different therapists but they just say I’m frustrated or it’s all in my head and they give me these different coping mechanisms and i do them but they don’t work. I’ve tried going out more or hanging out with my friends but the minute I’m alone I feel…. alone. Like I’m drowning and i just need someone to pull me out to give me some fresh air. I want adventure and fun in my life but I get to points were I’m at such a low I don’t want to exist anymore. I start to wonder if my mum would really miss me, if my teachers would say ,”We should have noticed”, I start to wonder if I die would people remember me?… or would I just be another strangers face you no longer see? But then again is giving up my life worth it? Is it worth the possible love I might find or that maybe one day I’ll bring a child into this world?. Is it worth sacrificing myself to this fucked up world?

    • Delaney January 10, 2017, 3:44 pm

      and thats the same thing im going through and idk why and im very very upset like why this society hurts me its not good

  • Delaney January 10, 2017, 3:41 pm

    so if i have a feeling that im left out cause i try to get my friend to laugh and stuff and she is bipolar so im super upset cause i dont think im like my old self and that i wanna be that me so i try so hard but i feel like my friend is rude and i get sad and then whenever i see something by someone im not fond of i will usually try hard to be better and then im rude then im sad cause i think that they have a bigger life and that there more better than me then i just feel deppressed cause i feel like im just nothing and no one sees me then its like every morning im so happy then the afternoon and evening im sad and i have all these thoughts like im not me anymore im not funny like before i hate this person and whenever im like say something bout them then im fine but then i just get so sad and say they have a better life and like i hate popularity cause theres not such thing as it but people still follow popularity and believe they need to make it up there in life and it bothers me and makes me sad cause my friends do that idk if i have deppression but does that sound like it?

  • abi January 13, 2017, 2:13 pm

    while reading this, i found myself tearing up. ive struggled with severe clinical depression in the past and over time, with therapy and hospitalization and medication, ive come a long way. however, i still have a long way to go. im almost sure that ive joined the community of walking depression, and i cannot even explain how hard this still is for me. i hope everyone suffering from every single mental illness can find a way to either get help or help themselves.

  • Nick January 13, 2017, 10:10 pm

    I’m not normally a depressed person and didn’t even realized I was depressed until my girlfriend for 2 years broke up with me. I often view myself as a realistic person but lately I’ve been dark, critical of others and not myself. I was running away from my problems, which I knew I had but had no interest in finding out what they could be, by trying to “help” others. I found no joy in text, conversation over the phone, and to think of it the only thing that made me truly happy the last couple months was when I actually, physically saw her. She lives miles away from me and we both work full time; I stopped giving her and everyone else the time of day. Instead of enjoying life, I focused on only desires instead of enjoying the people I’m with at the time. I’ve always said it’s about people but I am physically sick with myself that I did this. I’m still depressed in a way but I don’t know, now I kinda feel happy. I’m working out again, talking to family and friends more, now the only thing left is to talk to her. I tried to text her after a day but the real me has been gone so long that she thinks of me now different then she once did. The man she fell in love with became a lazy, depressed, uninterested in new activities and experience life, neglect deuschbag. Take a step back from your life and check yo self, I sure needed to. Within days of my own thoughts and desperately trying to figure out where things went wrong I pieced things together and realized me, has not been me. And that I too wouldn’t have wanted to be in a relationship with me if I was her. I know things are gonna be fine, I know life is going to go forward and Ima make more money, and fun adventures like I always have. But all I can think about now is writing my wrongs with the love of my life, we both could have done things differently but that’s not what is important, what is, is that I realize my mistakes and I am going to do whatever is in my power, and say I gave it my all to fix what I’ve done, and I refuse to have another single regret with this woman. I love her, myself and my life, and I’m not ever leaving this life again, I will never not be myself again.

  • Sheryl January 14, 2017, 10:22 am

    Almost everything you wrote hits the nail on the head for me. I think therapy would help if I find the right person, but I don’t think they exist. Wasted 7 years on it and am worse off. Now I have no faith. (It used to be very strong and helped me get by.) I had at least 3 books I wanted to write before, but now: why bother? All my effort in getting good grades in high school and college were to no avail. The meds only keep me in a state not depressed enough to act on it. The family doctor blows me off. Tired of feeling this way.

  • PJ January 15, 2017, 7:32 pm

    I’m an artist and a writer, though I can’t say I’ve done much in either category for awhile now. I feel listless and useless.My friends become aggravated at my self deprecating words. I’m usually tired and I feel sad. I could nap at any time. I feel trapped in a rut where I work every day (I have a good paying job, but it’s not what I want to be doing for a living) and I come home and stare at the blank word document or the black canvas. I’ve no energy left for my creative endeavors. I could cry from frustration. For random spurts I find myself suddenly creating and then something comes up. A friend needs me, a family crisis… So I stop what I’m doing and tend to the interrupting event.

    I am childless and single, which coworkers give me a hard time about seeing as how I’m a woman over thirty. I live with roommates. We’re all in our early thirties. I’ve made some terrible financial/life decisions in the past. I could have had an art job ten years ago but I chose to support a friend in their time of need and I had to stay in the area rather than move closer to the job opportunity.

    I’ve recently begun trying to write in earnest again. I do mostly sci-fi and fantasy, but my illustrative prose has left me. My editor tells me I’m far too clinical in my descriptions. I didn’t used to be.

    I’m tired of being sad and wasting precious moments of life. My father has a terminal illness and my grandmother has just passed. I’m reminded daily of how short life is and yet I am grinding my wheels, staring into a half empty cup of room temperature coffee and clicking through web forums looking for a miracle to make me productive again. Perhaps a good read will help me.

  • the eldest of 9 January 15, 2017, 8:45 pm

    Hi I am the oldest of nine. what a way to start right? might I add I’m only 25 years old but feel 50. I love all of my siblings and parents and appreciate and love them. my mother was diagnosed with a liver tumor last year in which she had several surgeries which have made her week and unable to help out with the household. my father had his knee replaced and works extremely hard to supply for his family. I am essentially the nanny in a family while still have a whole other job. while my father supplies financial security he works so much he is unable to supply parental love to my younger siblings and my mother well she is just too sick and I am just happy to see her get out of bed. so therefore I am both parents essentially. I take care of my siblings make sure they are doing well in school and etc. I helped raise the 17 yr old on down to the 9 year old. I am essentially their mother, father, and oldest sister. I love them all so much but I also feel so burdened and responsible. i also have struggled with depression since I was a child. I was severely bullied in school and I went to a Catholic private school which was small and I couldn’t be helped. I’ve never had a stable love relationship and my parents amd family (aside from my siblings) hate that I am a homosexual. essentially we just don’t talk about it because it’s just too much for them to accept. but my siblings all know and do not care. now I don’t feel like killing myself or anything crazy like that but I just never feel happy or satisfied in aspect of my life. I feel I could always make more money, lose more weight, have a better position at my job, be better at my job, be more outgoing and hangout with my friends but at the same time still not care what anyone thinks, want to go to family gatherings like Christmas or thanksgiving without being judged, or just be myself without being put down. I don’t really feel anything much anymore I suppose but yet I feel all the time. what do I do?

  • Sad for no reason January 15, 2017, 11:17 pm

    This describes my life perfectly for the last 2 years. I am constantly sad and dissatisfied with life and I have no reason to be. I have amazing family and friends, a loving boyfriend and the world at my fingertips. I recently left my job because I was miserable there. I’ve been interviewing at other places but I get this overwhelming anxiety at the thought of starting something new. I used to love a good challenge.

    I am almost scared to be happy because I am afraid something bad will happen. I force myself out of bed every morning and find things for myself to do. I am hoping that once I find a job this depression/anxiety will ease up a little.

  • Ivan Campos January 16, 2017, 1:01 am

    I’m married and have a 3 year old. I don’t know how many times I’ve apologized to my wife for breaking down. I feel sad and honestly I look forward to the night time when I’m alone. I have so much love from my girls and yet I feel sad. I wasn’t like this before and I don’t like what I’m becoming. I can only smile so much through the day before I start showing how I really feel. I need help

  • Julia January 17, 2017, 3:29 pm

    I don’t know how to word how I am feeling. Everything that means anything to me falls on dismissive ears. My strengths are dismissed as hobbies, fads, phases. I have a first class honours degree in fine arts but I am still instructed as to how I should be able to do everything “better” Don’t get me wrong please, my husband is a great man and I love him dearly. It is my inner self that cries out at the injustice that means my degree and I sit silently unseen behind the scenes and the pile of daily drudgery that I don’t really mind but resent greatly if you know what I mean! Tears are fought back daily and always concealed carefully.

  • Shana January 17, 2017, 10:37 pm

    all of these are me and i fucking hate it , i just want to love life!!!! :”(

  • Nick January 20, 2017, 7:49 am

    Your breakdown of the depression functioness is on point. I became and still am 2 years ago, extremely depressed. I made a terrible mistake one that ruined my career, for a period of time. I was a registered respiratory therapist from 25 years old. Fell in love with a nurse(whom I still love) we were extremely too close, even lived together. Point is one day in my car while traveling on the freeway she started to bite and slap my arms trying to get my cell phone;she though I was cheating (I wasn’t.) My car swerves almost crashed, so in self defense I pushed her away with my one right hand. To stop us from crashing, I pull over and she runs out into a Walmart. We dated for 3 1/2 years we were ready for marriage. Well I got arrested for domestic violence, a career killer along with some other buklshit charges. I lost all my “friends”, co-workers and lost my job at a beautiful hospital where I was well respected and was RT of the year. Anyway fast forward to today I still cry everyday and I’m still sad as ever. My entire case was dismissed and expunged thank god! Not cuz of the 22k I paid but I acted in self defense. Point is I miss her like crazy and even during our no contact order we snook out to see each other, anywhere Walmart, target, any large parking lot. We would just hug and cry cuz she knew my career was in danger and she knew I was in love with my career and was even on the way to become a doctor. I live in Dallas and it’s hard to find a job now but I’m depressed as ever because I lost my friends, cars(BMW), apartment, family respect, self respect, and I hate to brag but I’m a good looking guy and I’ve turned down dates, etc. I’m just not happy and even feel like what it would be like if I weren’t alive anymore? I won’t dare I have a family that supports me but still I feel extremely empty and have resulted to pain pills but that made things worse. So now I’m off the pain pills, I work at my family restaraunt and make about 850$ weekly. I also work 6 12 HR shifts but inside I feel destroyed because I had so much going for me but that one incident ruined me and I honestly do not believe I’ll ever get over it or her. She was so beautiful and blonde and fun and now she’s engaged. I never loved a girl like her before nor have I ever cared for any girl the way I do for her. She even had a daughter that I knew since 3-7 yrs old toook them to Disney world, Disney land, sea world, outdooor zoo, indoor hotel water parks several times so we have a lot of experiences I can’t forget. I notice she leaves pictures of our experiences on her Facebook I asked to her to take it down but she didn’t. Just makes me wonder would I be happier if I had her back? I say hell no because I just want my career back and I’m afraid if I don’t get it back soon I will devote my life to drugs and just become a junkie and prolly OD. I know that sounds stupid but I’m so bitter to my self cuz I don’t have my career. Thank you for your article I loved it.

  • Rox January 21, 2017, 5:57 am

    This is me in a nutshell. I cant even bring myself to sit and relax when there’s a free moment cause I feel I need to be productive somehow and I’m anxious I’ll never be as good or get things done. There are days I feel flatline like I couldn’t go out of my dept to do anything (actually more than often). I feel making connections is just effort and socially awkward. I don’t bother to call my friend’s cause I feel talkn to them is effort too and if they complain I feel like screaming on the inside- so I just avoid everyone. Sometimes I can’t even talk and more often I’m losing my train of thought cause I don’t want to continue with a conversation sometimes. But I keep telling myself too that its not “actual” depression cause I don’t feel like hurting myself. After reading this, I feel I need to look into how I can deal with those particular ways and start acknowledging that I’m not 100% okay. Thank you this enlightened me and that’s saying a lot.

  • Marco January 23, 2017, 1:34 am

    Society says men can’t be dressed and it makes me even more depressed

  • Nabil Rahman January 23, 2017, 2:45 am

    I’ve just turned 17. And I’ve been like tis for God knows how long but it seems like it was meant to be and I was supposed to be sad forever. I honestly don’t know what to do with life right now.

  • Robert January 23, 2017, 5:30 am

    Hi,

    I am really struggling with my day to day life and every few years this seems to happen to me. I am 29 and all i want is to be happy in life but just find myself seeing all the negitives in everything i do. I left my job after 5 years as i felt i was not going any further and wanted something more challenging and creative but as i have no grades find myself being somebody that nobody will give a chane to even though i have years of experience in retail management. No i have no job, a partner that does not want to be around me, no money and i can’t speak the language where i live also. I have been living alone since the age of 15 and have always tried to be better but i now feel as though my energy has gone. I moved to Austria 3 and half years ago, got paid well and bought a flat with my girlfriend but now everything is going wrong. My girlfriend can’t seem to understand how hard it is to live somewhere when you can’t even go out and speak to people. I have no friends or family here and find myself staying here to keep her happy even though she thinks i am the one who is unfair. Its been over 3 years here and i still don’t understand the language and now it’s even a bigger problem that i can’t get a job. My gf does not understand the frustration building up inside myself and she just thinks i am selfish as it’s all about me.

  • Mike January 23, 2017, 4:11 pm

    I wouldn’t count all of this, like being jealous to the point of hating people, but much of this does ring true. I just really wish I could enjoy something. People get so enthusiastic about shit and I just don’t care. It makes me seem like such a bummer. When I try to fake interest I just feel like I’m being so transparent, so I really say anything too positive, other than a simple, ‘that’s good’. This makes it hard to make friends and you get stuck where you are; feeling detached from humanity.

  • The Novelty January 24, 2017, 8:08 am

    I answered yes to all of these but I wouldn’t have ended up here if I wasn’t looking for this article to begin with so that is not a surprise.

    It comes and it goes but it rips apart my relationships while I sit trapped behind my own thoughts watching it happening. I wake, dread, snooze snooze snooze, and painfully, ridiculously, unexplainably late, but its not so bad once I am through it. Most things dont look so bad when you are looking back on them. If you want to hide your red flags, then be the person who defines them in others, be negative, be so rancid and negative, be negative by default.

    Please dont talk to me, please dont message me, please let everything get cancelled, please because its lock & key anxiety if I do and crushing guilt if I dont. When I seek professional help, its faux, processed, and sterile, like a hollywood movie, and its so fake, like forcing myself to eat wax fruit and expecting to taste like anything other than wax fruit.

    This is hopeless, and pointless. I love my children.

  • Santiago January 24, 2017, 10:09 am

    Am pretty much on the limit, i know is not going to end well. Never going to Share it with someone i know, my mind won’t allow me to. am 19. My nights are a long nightmare. I spend most of my life in my room, at first playing videogames, now i just listen to music and drink water all day. I don’t talk with my family, i find them boring. getting tired of my friends, sometimes i like hanging out with them, There i smoke and drink some alcohol which keeps the thoughts away for a while. Then loneliness comes back in my room again, my chest starts being in some kind of pressure, also my forehead, then i listen some music, Start crying until i fall sleep. And same every day, am just waiting for college to start so i can keep my mind busy. English is not my native language, so am sorry about the grammar. Everything sounds better in English, at least i can talk with myself about problems and nobody around me will understand. I don’t want them to. same as nobody Will Ever see this.

  • Nicholas Kohl January 27, 2017, 4:49 pm

    Thanks for this, it helped me realize and accept I am very depressed. I find it difficult and selfish actually being depressed because I knew I was happier when I was working for the love and joy of others, now I don’t have the heart to care and can’t think of others without myself. If I were to write a memoir of why I am depressed, it would be how my earliest desire to be a successful actor and director was clouded in the needs and anxieties of a day to day routine. If I was religious, God would be trying to tell me from the repeated obstacles that the only way I could achieve that inner happiness would be to start … wow I feel passionate about my career again. Thanks.

  • Taylorbjaede January 27, 2017, 9:11 pm

    Yes thank you so much ! I thought I was going crazy ?

  • Farrah January 28, 2017, 8:13 am

    My husband thinks I just get upset easy and cry over stupid stuff at random, not that I’m constantly in a state of “my baby needs me to be a good mommy so slap on a smile and step the fuck up” and “I wish someone would run me over when I cross the street to get mail today or maybe I should wait for someone else to be home to watch baby girl so shes good then jump off the overpass into traffic”. I’m so isolated all the time; I can’t drive (by choice, driving terrifies me, especially if I had an infant in the car) so I’m stuck home, alone with my baby, all day until my husband comes home, does stuff he wants to because he works all day and deserves to, gets some, and goes to bed. Then I get my girl every time she wakes because he needs his sleep, so I’m not gonna let he wake him up, but with girlie going through something or maybe its naps who knows its probably my fault anyways, I barely get 5-6 hours of interupted sleep and its not helping. I would never end it, my family needs me, but I wish hubby could see past the charade at least, see that I dont just cry sometimes over stupid things for stupid reason, that I’m always feeling this way and sometimes its something stupid that breaks the wound after 24/7 with the baby and nearly total isolation digging at it for the last 10 months; I wish he could see that I spend most days hoping maybe something will kill me already so I can stop wishing every day for something to kill me.

  • Kelly January 29, 2017, 7:53 pm

    I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m depressed. I don’t know if I’m just sad. I don’t know if I’m over exaggerating. All I know is that I’m not happy. I don’t think happy is the right word. But I guess I’m just not ok anymore. I don’t know if it’s the recent problems I’ve dealt with recently, or if it’s past issues that’ve finally caught up to me. So I guess I should start with my past. When i was in 3rd grade my dad moved out. He tried his best, and I know that. My mom was (in my eyes) slacking. She had no job, stayed home all day,didn’t have supper ready for him when he got home. He worked from 5am to 8pm. Then he has to come home, fix himself something to eat, and deal with us. I don’t know how he did it. He was exhausted everyday, and he still managed to play with me and my siblings, and give us everything we wanted. She was doing nothing to help him or herself. And I’m very aware that I didn’t make anything easier, as a child with adhd, and I wasn’t medicated so you can probably imagine how unmanageable I was. I now know how hard I made things for them. I feel like it’s my fault he left. And it is, but not completely. I resent my mother. I blame everything bad in my life right on her. Deep down I know everything isn’t her fault, but if someone was to ask, I’d never admit it. So Iv’e carried around that since I can remember. I knoe a lot of kid’s parents split, but that’s not it. A year after my father moved out,(I’m now in 4th grade) our house burned down. My dog was home when it happened, I put him in the cage right before I left for school. He was there when we got home. In the cage, covered in soot, he had smoke inhalation, and he almost died. The room with the most damage to it had everything valuable to us in it. School pictures, yearbooks, drawings, a robot my sister made in 5th grade, photo albums, a rabbit made of a milk carton that I made in kindergarten. Everything. We had to live in a trailor down the road for a year. Today our house is falling apart. They built it like shit. I hung a Picaso painting up, probably weighing 5 pounds, and it made a hole in the wall where I had hung it. It was too heavy I guess. It just amazes me that they could do such a horrible job to a woman who had 3 kids, no husband, and already heartbroken. They didn’t care about sny of that obviously. Just trying to make a big buck as cheap as possible. I can’t talk about this subject any longer, I’m starting to tear up and I’ve already cried enough today. So I guess I need to start on my recent problems. Since my dad moved out, and our house caught on fire, I haven’t really trusted anyone, I didnt really have friends anymore. I had anxiety attack in 7th grade. I was an A & B student my whole life, but after the anxiety started, I stopped doing schoolwork, I stopped paying attention, I was afraid to move in class, and I was scared to breathe in front of people, and I was always shaking, always felt like someone was watching me. I had mo confidence, I still don’t. My anxiety has ruined my social life. The only friends I had were animals, dogs in particular. Snowball, the one that was in the fire, he doesn’t really like me anymore. Yes, he still loves on me and treats me as family, but I’m not his favorite anymore. I feel like he doesn’t trust me because I put him in the cage the day of the fire. So he became a family dog, instead of my dog. Since I had no friends, and my family hates me, I decided to get another dog, without permission.. I didn’t even bother asking because I knew what the answer would be. I got a puppy from a friend, she looked sick, had scabs on her back where she chewed herself, she was infested with fleas. The first day, I gave her 2 baths, got rid of almost all the fleas. The next day I gave her another and got rid of them all. My mom didn’t want her in the house because she shed, she was a jack russel terrier. My mom was always threatening to give her away while I was at school or visiting my dad on the weekends I was with him. I had her for about a year. Then once my sister moved out she took her with her to live with her boyfriend in an apartment. Chloe made me feel again. When no one was there to help me, she made me feel better. Once again I had a love to call my own. My Chloe. She made me feel again. I felt numb, emotionless, I thought I was a psycopath, I didn’t have any feelings. But she made me feel again. She brought me back to life and when she left, I became depressed. I was alone again. I had no one. Nothing to get me through the night, nothing to look forward to after school. My life was empty. I wa empty. I was broken. I am* broken. Then a week before Christmas, this stray dog showed up, my brother and I named her Princess. She mended my heart back together. I wasn’t broken anymore. My heart and mind weren’t empty anymore. I had feelings and emotions and life was so fucking great. She was a german shepard mix. She was gorgeous, not as big as a real german shepard. My mom wouldn’t let me bring her in the house, so we’d spend our days outside and when my mom went to sleep I’d let her in, let her sleep with me in my bed until morning. She was my new Chloe. My heart. Then Christmas day I went to my dads house, stayed for a week. Everyday I’d call my mom and say “How’s Princess” and she’d tell me. Then on the 4th day at my dads, when I asked her about Princess, she said she hadn’t seen her. I thought to myself, maybe she just went somewhere else, and is waiting for me to come back, and that’s what I kept telling myself. After I got home, I went outside and called her, but this time she never showed up. After 3 days of not seeing her again. My neighbor told me the spca came and got her. I was so heartbroken. The day after she told me that I went to the shelter and she was there. She looked so sad, like she was broken too. When she saw me she got up started wagging her tail, then I sat down in front of her cage and just stared at her, crying. She then sat down and stared at me. Like she was waiting for me to get her out. I couldn’t. It breaks my heart to even think that I couldn’t help her. I cry every night about her. About how everything I love gets taken from me. About how shitty my life is. About how messed up I am. I felt wothless, and broken, I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I think losing Chloe and Princess fucked me up more than my parents splitting up. It sounds crazy when I say it, but I can’t help the way I feel. In my eyes those dogs helped me through more than my parents have. I struggle at school. I try not to cry. I always ask to go to the bathroom at least twice in every class because I don’t want people to see me cry. So I go cry, get myself back together, and go back to class., just for it to happen again. I don’t know how to live anymore.

  • Emily January 30, 2017, 12:38 am

    Are you talking about dysthymia? “Walking depression” is not a recognized or even mentioned diagnosis in the DSM.

  • Kevin January 30, 2017, 3:34 pm

    My story has been started since I was in JHS. That was the time when I finally understand why I feel different from stereotypical men. I had sexual arousal every time I saw some shirtless men. It was confusing and I always tried to deny that kind feelings. I feel ashamed and dirty because I am always excited when I saw naked men. That shame arises because I had conservative and traditional asian environments. In other words, people in my country are homophobic. So, I decided to hide those kind of feelings. However, doing so made me feel lonely and ended up hating myself more and more. After that, I tried to make myself looked smart by achieving high scores on my tests. I tried to think of my future by setting goals. I wanted to be a doctor or a dentist. I ignored my negative feelings until it resurfaced when I started studying as a dental student. I felt awful and stressed out because I feel like I don’t belong in there. I realized that I decided to study dentistry just because I wanted to be seen as a smart man and capable man, but the truth is I hate being there and I failed on many of the courses and tests. I often skipped classes and shutting myself on my room on daytime and can’t sleep well at night. I felt pressured, but I have to graduate fast. I also having struggles of being gay. I need to stop this but I felt powerless. I want someone to help me but I am afraid of hurting them.

  • The Truth Is February 2, 2017, 8:59 am

    Especially the women these days that i have noticed.

  • Jen February 2, 2017, 10:58 am

    This is so me.Really need Help.please help

  • SereneFiend February 3, 2017, 4:25 am

    I feel like I’m only beginning to understand how important creativity it to me to feel like I have a purpose on this earth. I need to express myself through my creative work, because I have such terrible social anxiety, I feel like I can’t open up to others sometimes. Lately I haven’t felt the inspiration to do anything with myself and I’ve felt so worthless and empty inside. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone and there is hope for me!

  • Callum February 3, 2017, 8:27 pm

    I have been battling walking depression for several years and don’t know what to do about it, this is basically my first step at finding help. I don’t understand why I am depressed I have a pretty good/decent paying job as a tradesman, no debt I am reasonably healthy I have good relationships with my friends and parents (not so much my brother) yet I am always beating myself up about my life. I am unable to find a girlfriend or even a girl to talk with and only enjoy socialising whist under the influence of drugs (ecstasy) or alcohol basically I have no confidence even though I know I can be a likeable person, I keep on walking through life with the hopes I will get better with age but it doesn’t seem to change anything. I don’t want to get on prescribed medication (anti-depressants) as I believe they create more problems then they solve. I have moved away from home an started a new job but I can’t seem to make any friends, I have joined a gym and started exercising which helps a little bit but only temporarily, I have set up a home studio an started making music which is something I have always wanted to do but that hasn’t helped at all. I feel like I can’t talk to anybody as I have a lot of trouble expressing my emotion, I truely feel like my life is just a complete waste of time because I feel like it’s only going to get worse from here as I grow older, fatter and uglier. I genuinely don’t know what to do, any help would be greatly appreciated, sorry for rambling on but I needed to get this off my chest.

  • Bianca Pascual February 4, 2017, 3:06 pm

    Hi. Thanks for sharing this. And thanks for encouraging us to leave a comment.

    I dont know if i am trully depressed. As i dont want to make a big deal out of my loneliness. I stumbled on this article cause im googling “what does it means when you are sad every other time.” I dont know how to put it into a fewer words. All i know is i am almost every time lonely and sad. I am empty inside. I am clueless and i am alone.

    I ran away from home, its been 2 years now. I lose contact to every single person from my family. I avoid most of my friends too. Cause i dnt want to always be a burden. They have families and happy and active life.

    I am 23 now. I have work. I go to office 5 days a week. I get along just fine with my officemates. But when i get home, im alone. Sad and boring.

    some days im happy with the simple things i have. But the happiness is shallow. Very shallow. The type of happiness that is based on what i currently have on my hand. The happiness does not stay in my heart. It is very temporal.

  • Harry February 7, 2017, 8:52 pm

    I understand all of this. I have to take meds and I’m only a freshman in high school. I hate feeling like I’ve got a crutch that I have to depend on. When ever I get angry or sad my parents always ask if I took my medicine. I feel that I can’t have an emotion with out it being because I forgot my medicine . Some days I feel nothing like I’m just egg shell that had the yolk taken out . School is also so stressful. I’ve always had good grades so my parents have high standards and I got one crappy PSAT score and they went crazy. It’s ridiculous. The school I go to also sucks. It’s a religious school and I’m gay . I told my parent that I was thinking about my orientation and my mom said that it was probably because I don’t have many friends. I also feel so bad about being unhappy because my parents treat me well even though they don’t listen well and I have food every day I have a roof over my head and my parents buy me lots of nice stuff but I’m still unhappy and I feel guilty because there are people in much worse situations then I.

  • Thalia February 7, 2017, 8:53 pm

    I understand all of this. I have to take meds and I’m only a freshman in high school. I hate feeling like I’ve got a crutch that I have to depend on. When ever I get angry or sad my parents always ask if I took my medicine. I feel that I can’t have an emotion with out it being because I forgot my medicine . Some days I feel nothing like I’m just egg shell that had the yolk taken out . School is also so stressful. I’ve always had good grades so my parents have high standards and I got one crappy PSAT score and they went crazy. It’s ridiculous. The school I go to also sucks. It’s a religious school and I’m gay . I told my parent that I was thinking about my orientation and my mom said that it was probably because I don’t have many friends. I also feel so bad about being unhappy because my parents treat me well even though they don’t listen well and I have food every day I have a roof over my head and my parents buy me lots of nice stuff but I’m still unhappy and I feel guilty because there are people in much worse situations then I.

  • Holly February 8, 2017, 1:35 pm

    I wake up feeling unhappy every single day and I constantly look for things that are going to make me happy I.e. Getting a new job or a new car and the truth is none of that makes me happy well it does for a week or so but then back to square one again. My mum and boyfriend tell me I’ve got nothing to feel unhappy about I’ve got lots of friends a nice family ect but I can’t bring myself to meet any of my friends at the moment I just put them off because I can’t face pretending to be happy I have to do that everyday at work and it’s a struggle. I wish I could just be content with life and wake up feeling happy but I never do and it’s so hard trying to change your mind set I can’t see a way out at the moment. Another classic I keep getting told your young why are you unhappy you’ve got your whole life ahead of you I always want to say oh yeah cheers I instantly feel better now… not. Found this post inspiring though knowing there’s others out there just plodding along in society kind of feels like your just existing not actually living.

  • Jennifer February 8, 2017, 5:59 pm

    I’m just do disappointed in myself. No reason, no excuses, I suck and it hurts. I’m usually the one uplifting others and I can’t think of anything to uplift myself. Like if someone walked in now I would put on my jovial personality and make jokes until they left. And what’s worse is me or my husband can’t find work right now so there’s no buy a drink to feel better, or any type of make you feel better funds. If I was to get a few dollars I have 4 kids one is 10 months that money goes to before I can even entertain the thought of me. At first I felt like I was in a routine now I hate the routine…I’m thinking about smoking cannabis and I haven’t smoked in years. I mean me and my husband have been struggling for sooooooo long…I’m just tired. I guess after reading this, I’ll look up Walking Depression since it describes my feelings and hope it’s some remedies out there. Maybe once I finish school I’ll be happy.

  • Lena February 8, 2017, 7:04 pm

    After reading this i feel that walking depression is whats going on in my life. Most of the time i feel stuck in my life and feeling guilty and sad for myself. I have an amazing husband and two wild kids that i love with every fiber of my being. However, i sadly feel resentful towards them because my life so far hasn’t turned out the way i thought it would. i know it’s not their fault and i have to be the one to make my life better but its hard. I think my biggest struggle is work, i have been a high-end residential painter for my fathers company for most of my adult life and my husband and i are slowly taking over the company. I have gone back and forth with this i even recently obtained a BA in psychology in hopes to change careers but the pay the field is so low that i can’t help support my family. I love the idea of packing up everything and our kids and traveling the world, which has always been a dream of mine. The problem is i have made a commitment to father to take over his business and if i walk away from that he will lose everything. He and mother have no savings and without my husband and i he would have no business. So basically i feel trapped in a career that is physically exhausting, living in a place I always wanted to move away from, and wasting away my potential and families potential.

  • Debra February 10, 2017, 4:57 am

    I am a 57 year old woman, wife, mother, and grandmother. Everyday I wake up with no motivation to do anything. I hate bedtime because I start thinking how another day of my life is gone and it all starts over for another day. I try to be there for everyone, but I I feel totally fake, worthless, angry, jealous and numb to my surroundings. I can’t seem to find a job that I have a desire to keep. I feel that I have let my husband, children, and grandchildren down. My mother has Alzheimer’s and all can think and fear is that oneday that will be me,so why do I even need to get out of bed.

  • Sharid February 10, 2017, 8:50 pm

    Sometimes I wanna dissapear

  • Glenna February 13, 2017, 8:45 am

    I have been depressed for a long time. Many years. I have been physically abused, raped, sexually abused, verbally abused. I have 3 kids and I always put my kids first. One minute I will feel ok and them the next, I just want to cry. I have stayed strong for my kids. I have pretty much given up on myself while taking care of everyone else. I am to the point that I do t find pleasure in anything. I get nervous when I go around others. I dont feel like my life has any meaning at all besides my kids. I have tried several meds and they didnt help. I gave up trying. All I do is stay at the house. I just dont feel like i should even get dressed up. I mean for what? Theres nothing to get preppared for. I have nothing to look forward to. Its like I am living in a bubble or a box. I want to break free but I cant. I gave up trying because the next person will only hurt me too.

  • Brianna February 13, 2017, 10:25 am

    So what do I do? When I’m working two part time jobs (that i hate so much) to save up for a car so I can finally go back to school along with building credit so I can get a decent interest, when I still have my chores to do (and my vacuum broke), when there’s four dogs in my house two of which are mine the other two my sisters who barely pay attention to them, and when both my parents are working 3x’s harder then me to keep this house and I feel like I’m the only one sinking?

    If I work a double shift I’m up at 5:45am to catch a ride with my mom (work starts at 8) until 3:30 and I have to go get her. We get home around 4:40-5 and I have until 5:10 to be out of the house to go to my second job until 10pm. And then I do it again the next day.

    Am I just working too hard? Along with the fact that I hate these jobs? Plus I feel like I’m never home enough for my dogs so they all look depressed which makes me feel even worse. oh and did I mention my dog got pregnant with puppies??? So now I’m constantly thinking about them and if they’re okay and cleaning up after them. I haven’t taken a shower in a few days (disgusting to admit) bc I either haven’t had the time or I’m so exhausted by the end of the night I pass out.

    I would rest more if I had time, all my friends have moved away or are at college and yeah my dad and boyfriend will tell him to join something with other people but how am I supposed to get their with what car and what time do I have to spare?

    Honestly I don’t know what to do. Did I mention I’m only 19?

  • Tommy E February 13, 2017, 11:36 am

    You really want to know how it feels to be depressed? It’s almost like living your life on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute you’re up, the next five hundred minutes you’re down.
    My depression stops me from everything. Whether it’s work, college, or meeting new people. I feel like my life will never amount to anything at this point, because I’ve tried it all. Every job I start, I have to quit due to depression and anxiety. My first two years of college were done online, because I can’t go to school due to social anxiety and depression.
    I WANT TO DO BETTER. Do you know how hard it is for me to see my two very successful brothers leave to there good job everyday, or go out to have fun, while I sit home trying to find “fun” in anything.
    I’ve never though about suicide. I want to fight this, and become successful. I’m just afraid that i’ll never find my way out of this hole. I’m only 21 years old right now! I always sit around dreaming of having my own place at 23, with possibly my own business. I’m very smart and educated but where does that get me with this feeling inside… nowhere. 🙁

  • Mari February 13, 2017, 12:14 pm

    I’m only in my early teens but lately I’ve been dealing with unbearable sadness and heavy chest feelings for no reason. I’m restless and stressed all the time and tend to doubt myself over and over. I have arguments with myself about if there’s any point to what I’m doing, and I get truly miserable.In my younger years This feeling was happening back when I was around 9 or 10 but went away. now it’s back and worst. my head is always sore and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I worry and feel heavy chested especially in the morning or when I’m alone.

  • maya *tween* February 13, 2017, 8:03 pm

    i think im depressed but i catch myself off guard being happy with my friends or sometimes with my family what does that mean im 12 and im in 7th grade and everyone thinks im happy i even think im happy but i cry for no reason when im alone or when anyone catches me i say my stomache hurts…….. but eerything hurts…….

  • Kathia February 14, 2017, 12:01 am

    Thank you for this post! Within the past 3 years I’ve began noticing things that were out of place such as not living in the moment, depriving myself of creative time, and just overall an unachievable level of happiness I was pursuing. I’ve gone to see doctors and such and they always tell me I have anxiety but I knew in my gut that not all the symptoms to anxiety match. However, after having a “very off day” today, it dawned on me that I probably have depression. So of course, I resorted to google. Glad I did, because I ended up finding this post another great read and this is definitely describing me.

  • Holly February 14, 2017, 10:05 am

    I feel I relate to every point on this list in one way or another, I’ve read some comments, I’ve noticed a lot of commenters are 25+ Or have a family. I’m recently 19 and have been feeling this way for many years, I’ve been on and off antidepressants for the past 2 years. However no longer taking them because their effects were much worse. I really want to and am trying to get out of this state, I’ve taken up different jobs, tried different activities; I produce electronic music and have been for almost 5 years and want to gain a career in the industry, I know I love it but after years of trying and failing with my menta health I feel I’ve lost love for everything and haven’t got any montivation or energy to do anything.

  • dillon February 14, 2017, 12:00 pm

    Does this also count when my friends day what’s wrong and I say I’m just tired? Or when I cut everyone out by listening to music and walking to places.

  • Natalie February 14, 2017, 12:34 pm

    i’ve had symptoms of walking depression for as long as i can remember, and remember that everyone always said ‘what’s wrong with you?’ or ‘you’re severely depressed you need help’ and it’s made me feel angry and upset. nothing is wrong with me. but i might be depressed. i may have walking depression. i’ve tried talking to someone and medication. neither work for me. i’ve decided on my own to heal my self on my own. and talk myself to a better place and mindset. but every month or so i break. and i’m so mad at myself. i just want to be happy. i should be happy, i have everything anyone would ever need. but i struggle to actually smile a happy smile. when i’m like this, i drink a lot. and it’s bad and i don’t eat a lot and that’s even worse. but i don’t know. i just fill my head with hatred towards myself. how i’m not good enough. and i’m throwing myself a pity party. and it’s not helping. i’m trying to be happy. sometimes i don’t think i’m strong enough. and i wish i were dead. but not from killing my self but just all of a sudden. i just wish i was happy. if i don’t look for it, i ask myself what if i never find it and i jut waste my life away being miserable. i just need a sign or something. please.

  • Lynn February 15, 2017, 7:52 am

    It’s been 7 years since my ex walked out. I have tried everything from volunteering to online dating. Nothing makes me happy. I cry daily. I miss my former family so much. I can no longer work due to my depression and physicial symptoms. I simply want to die.

  • Deborah February 15, 2017, 1:26 pm

    I know for sure that I am depressed and sad every single day. I am trying to be happy again after my husband walked out of our 36 year marriage without a word that he wasn’t happy, just left. Then… only 4 months later after he left, my brother in NY called me late one night to tell me he found my European Adoption documents hidden in a metal box in our dad’s apartment. To find this out at age 57 years old was so hurtful to me and also finding out that all the relatives knew I had been adopted made me feel lost and a true identify crisis of huge proportion. My parents should have told me as an adult, one who joined the US Navy too but they didn’t.
    After moving a year and a half ago, another tragic event happened to me.. my left eye retina detached suddenly, and had surgery to repair it, but only 33 days later…. it detached again, causing vision loss and my feeling unbelievably sad that I just want to die and cross over to the other side and maybe meeting my birth family and birth mother.
    There is no medication or counseling that can help alleviate the pain and hurt I have right now. Just trying every day to cope with my utter sadness.

  • Maira February 16, 2017, 4:09 pm

    I’m constantly depressed I hate feeling this way, I just want to be normal and feel happy. I’m 31 yrs old been suffering with depression right after I gave birth to my first daughter(11yrsago) I can’t snap out of it, i feel hopeless, lonely, emptiness, sad, mood swings, I constantly find myself sleeping or in bed just wasting time. I don’t find anything fun anymore. What can I do? I really don’t want to give up

  • Lacie February 17, 2017, 4:44 pm

    Hello,
    I am a mother of two beautiful boys. I have an amazing husband who is always there for me. Yet I feel so sad deep in my heart. I get up everyday and try my best to be positive when really all I want to do is lay back in bed and never wake up. The thought of just not being here at times feels like a relief yet I would never do that to my babies. I am angry. Angry that people I know can just seem so happy and giggly and th there is me who can’t even think of anything to say to anyone. I don’t make friends becuase really I’d just rather be alone when I can. I listen to sad music becuase it makes me feel better. I don’t know why. I’m only 23 and I just feel like I am drowning in my own sorrow and no one can see me. I wait for the days when I can feel some form of positive feelings but it’s really far and few in between. I have no one to talk to about this and I refuse to take antidepressants as I’ve seen my grandmother go nuts on those things. I don’t even know why I’m writing on here. I’m just another useless worthless human being marching to the same fucking parade. I wish I could afford a therapist that would be nice. Then maybe I could vent all this poison that’s slowly eating me from the inside out. So that’s what I’m feeling. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be right.

  • Assar ahmad February 18, 2017, 10:36 am

    Finaly someone felt like i feel right now but it is very exhausted l am on the edge i dont know if i can complete.

  • Assar ahmad February 18, 2017, 10:47 am

    I need to talk to someone but no one around me understand what i feel.i have nothing to live for my dreams are cruched it seems i was born in the most miserable place in world

  • Meagan February 18, 2017, 8:58 pm

    Oh man it’s like you are telepathic. I’ve never thought about the term ‘walking depressed’, but I know for a while now (years) I have been totally unhappy. my few friends that I have are not even good friends, and I don’t feel connected to them at all. I feel as though they just tolerate my existence. I know they all hang out together without me all the time, and I am an “every once in a while” friend who gets invited over when they need another player for a game or something. 🙁 I don’t talk to anyone. I hate my job. I graduated with an art degree and have been struggling to get a REAL art job for 10 months. I live with my parents and feel like a burden. I feel like a failure. Every day I wake up, apply for jobs frantically, check my email and see rejection letters, go to work at my part time job that I hate, and then come home where I talk to no one. Every day is like this. 🙁 my life feels empty and meaningless.

  • Tiff February 18, 2017, 9:11 pm

    I have walking depression..in the acute category. I have been blessed with 2 angels..I should have been the happiest person alive on this earth today but I am not happy with my life. I know that I am blessed with a lot of things but it feels like God has given up on me.
    I am pushing myself everyday only for my baby. But its getting harder and harder. I don’t love the person I thought was the love of my life anymore. But I don’t know what to do anymore so I keep living. I am exhausted and feel miserable. Mine is a pathetic existence. I don’t k ow why and for whom. I don’t know for how long I can keep this facade up.

  • Chole23 February 19, 2017, 11:45 pm

    I’m at a very depressing point in my life. I’m at a point were I just don’t care or I feel so detached from happiness. Even when good things are happening. My grandmother passed away three years ago which still at this very moment seems so surreal. God IS MY EVERYTHING AND MORE, but my grandmother was so special to me and my brother. She took us in when our parents didn’t wanna take care of us, she raised us, and took us to church, she loved us when it seemed like one else did. She provided things we needed as well as rewarded us with things we wanted. When me and my mom would get into she was the one who tried to bring us together, when I was sad she cheered me up, prayed for me, and encouraged me. When I ran away she still wanted me to come home, when I acted up or disappointed her she still loved me and embraced me. I could go on and on about all the things my grandmother did for me. When she passed I thought I was gonna lose my mind but God kept my mind. After she passed things got worse financially, the house some of my family lived in went into foreclosure but some how my mom got them to reconsider, my grandmothers husband just recently passed last year in Aug. Things got even worse after that, none of us had enough income/money to continue paying for the house, while my brother was in the hospital and I was at home. They cut the power off, I stayed at the house for about two weeks until my mom made me go up to the hospital with my brother. When he got out we went from one hotel to the next, the more we went to hotels the more depressed I got. But before that I was already contemplating suicide it had just increased by then. Then when my mom didn’t have the money to pay for hotel rooms me & my brother slept in the car. My brother is 22, He has sickle cell animea. So he can’t work but he gets a check every month. I’m 23 about to be 24, I’ve never worked and to be honest I don’t want to. Yes I want to live better, have my own money and so on, but I’m very anti social as a matter of fact I have a social disorder. You see I’m blind in my right eye which causes me to have very low self-esteem. And because of that I don’t like being around people, I don’t hate people I just don’t like being around a lot of people at once because in my mind I feel like everyone is judging me. I stay up all night and sleep all day to a point were my body is so run down that I still don’t feel like getting out of bed. I don’t get counseling or take pills, I’m a very spiritual person but still find myself depressed, sad, feeling unworthy, and so on. I can sing but I’m too afraid to sing in front of others, I ran track but dropped out of taking track in highschool. I was so good that I could’ve gotten a scholarship but I was already going through things and felt like I wasn’t gonna achieve my dreams to do anything. Along with being bullied I dropped out of high school, went back and dropped out again. Getting a job is my only option but like I said I’m at a point were I don’t care to nor do I feel like I’d even get hired even If I did I’d probably just quit.

  • Aine February 20, 2017, 8:56 am

    I cannot cope at the moment all I see is being alone, I have no friends and I just split up with my partner of nearly two years. It was a terrible split but had to happen as he was not giving me the respect I deserved. I have nobody to turn to and am dreading each day. I just want to stay at home on the sofa and cry. I constantly have a pit in my stomach and cannot see any happiness in my future, I feel I am just going on from day to day because I have to.

    • Athena February 21, 2017, 4:27 pm

      Sometimes all you can do is take it day by day and forgive and accept yourself that this is part of the process. It’s so hard when you’re in those moments of despair and can’t see that it will get better but the fact that you’re here and trying everyday shows that there are brighter days ahead. Sometimes if all you can do is cry on the sofa that’s what you needed for that day and it’s OK. The pain of this is necessary for you to get to where you are going even though you can’t see it now. What I try is to sometimes challenge my negative thinking patterns. I don’t see a difference right away but I have to have faith that someday things will be just a bit better. Sometimes I can’t challenge them and I have to just let it drag me down but I have to trust that I needed the experience so one day I may know the difference. You have to experience the darkness to appreciate the sunrise again and you are worthy of the respect you deserve.

    • Jr February 22, 2017, 5:33 am

      We all are just walking zombies.

  • Veronica Walker February 21, 2017, 7:49 am

    I am currently at 30 yr old single mom struggling to find balance. I am tired everyday and cry at least once a day certain situations have happened to me in life that have caused be to be depressed it is like a mental breakdown that causes great hurt and pain.

  • Athena Theodoropoulos February 21, 2017, 4:17 pm

    I’m glad I read this in a time when I feel like I’ve been failing again and again to deal with this. It’s like I get to the brink of getting to the “flow” and I can feel a resistance, as if there’s something that wants to keep me dissatisfied with my own life. I feel like I’ve been at a crossroads for years now and I just can’t take the next step. I realized that I keep taking the abuse and emotional pain I accept from other people as a way of putting myself further down and keeping myself stuck because I believe I deserve it. I have gone through this cycle of beginning to affirm to myself that I matter and trying every day to do something positive for myself and then somehow it keeps falling by the wayside and before I know it, it’s been months since I had a positive thought and I’ve been walking through my life again like a zombie. I have failed so many times in the past that I suspect I’ve begun to make this a self fulfilling prophecy and I wish I knew how to make it stop.

  • Rance February 21, 2017, 7:26 pm

    i have just woke up at 2am with a feeling of such dred on a knowing feeling that my life is passing by very quickly and everything, and my existance feels pointless, im a 44 yr old guy, im single and unemployed since last year, ive brought up my son alone since he was aged 3 and hes now 17 and has his own life and is very popular, and so with that he rarely spends time with me even though we live under the same roof, but i get that afterall hes 17,
    i have debts that have built up over the years that im worried about paying off and seem to be constantly dealing with demands etc when i have no money, ive also been so unlucky in love my whole life, i spend several years at a time single before eventually finding someone only for it to end within afew months max, everytime i feel like im going to get that job im applying for im so certain of getting and it always falls through,
    over the past couple years ive lost many friends either cos theyve settled down or ive fell out with them, i see many other people of the same age settled in a carreer, with a loving partner, nice house and car and holidays abroad with many friends etc and yet all i have is hardship and misery, nothing ever goes right for me, i am a confident person and never give up on hope and use various self help books using methods of visualization and possitive thinking and i really have drummed this into me that it can change things however it just seems to give me a false impression at the end of the day on how i actually feel, faking it, because every symptom you have mentioned is me down to a tee, i feel so invisible to the outside world, i grew up with no father and my mum passed away from cancer when i was 12,i was placed in care, where i was ignored and sometimes beaten, at 16 i quickly made sure i got a job and started my own life and independance, i have from a very young age learnt to wear a psychological armour where i would simply let things bounce off me,i really have been so strong you wouldnt believe, but now at 44 my armour is very battered and falling to the ground,ive been through so much and fought on, but now i can never admit in person to no one but now i finally feel broken, i really am the person that gives to others so they dont go without even if i have to, i feel very empty and irrelevent, when i walk past people its like im completely invisible, im not suicidal though i often ask myself why was i even born because my whole existance and everything ive been through seems irrelevent, its all for nothing, why do i have to feel so bad ? so hurt ? feeling like i dont belong like im nothing, like i should just fade away and dissapear, despite my journey that i wouldnt welcome on anyone i have always believed life is a magical thing and ive held on to this but over time it has been slipping further away, i do wish i wasnt born.

  • Jr February 22, 2017, 5:16 am

    I am living a new life now which I thought before would make me happy or complete. My past life was work to eat so I have to come up with new ideas on regular basis since I was and still am a craftsman. I have my own workshop now and am the boss comparing when I was my own employee three years ago, but this would have never happened without the help of my current partner in life. I have two kids not married and separated, I suddenly ended our relationship with my kids mother for too much reasons I cannot put into words. I also knew that were both shitty parents, my kids are with me now and am trying my best to be a good single parent. My girlfriend/partner now also has the similar past and situation. We see each other two to four times a week since she also have duties and responsibilties. When we are together I feel so complete or whatever the feeling I feel. The thing is when we are not together I tend to become a whole different person. Love? Selfishness? These are only the two feelings I feel which is preventing me to become a better person. A better person to my family, creativeness in my line of work. Whoever is reading this you are probably thinking just fucking stay with her then. Life don’t do as you please, complications are here to stay. Now I am still as fucked up as to when I thought I woudn’t be fucked up as right now. WHAT THE FUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!!!

  • Wanda February 22, 2017, 5:46 am

    I have had a rough 2 years. My sister passed away suddenly last year. My husband recently lost his job so chose to retire early. My parents are in their 80s and now need a lot of assistance. My children are grown and live away.
    I work 2 jobs in order to meet our bills and save for retirement. I have many of the symptoms described in your website. I feel like I’m drowning and there is no one there to throw me a lifeline. I think about just letting myself sink to the bottom and watch the light fade away. I have always helped others and there is no one there to help me. I am lost and overwhelmed. I have a strong faith and pray often, but lately I get no answer. So I just keep going and hope things will either get better or just come to an end. This is not me. I am usually creative and energetic. I usually enjoy my work, but now I would rather stay home curled up,on the couch. I know compared to other people I have met that I have a good life, what can I do to get myself out of this?

  • J. Hatfield February 23, 2017, 5:24 am

    Hey. First time visitor to the site. Was thumbing through some self-help pages and found this. Dont normally post comments, but this was a kind nudge to get help. I’ve let depression stain the last few chapters of my life, and I wont let it do so anymore. I can’t let it end here

  • OCEANSOFDEPRESSION February 23, 2017, 12:58 pm

    imagine severe abuse from everyone around you since 2-present(25). But yet you are always the one with a “smile” on your face. You go to work and you are everyones shoulder everyones best friend and hope giver. You know where your hope comes from and you know that life is good. But you just can’t shake the severe depression. You think of yourself as a horrible mother and wife ALTHOUGH you do everything for them in every way., even for your in laws. EVERYONE WALKS ALL OVER YOU. Anyone and everyone can rely on you to be happy and optimistic, even to help out ad feed when you have none. BUT YOUR STILL SEVERELY DEPRESSED. You husband says you should “try to be nicer” try to be happier” why does everyone else get to see you happy but I don’t. I am stuck lost and unhappy in every way. although I have every reason to be beaming from ear to ear. my heart just wants to live in darkness that I can’t escape. I break my own heart everyday searching for relief. my family deserves a happier me but they don’t understand what i live in everyday. THIS makes me hate myself. I need help.

  • B February 24, 2017, 4:07 pm

    I relate to every sign. I am so down. Tired of doing this day in and day out.

  • Christine Howze February 26, 2017, 7:36 am

    I don’t think I’ve ever brought joy into anyone’s life. I’ve hurt more than then brought joy. My so called love hurts. If you care it’s to much. I destroyed lives thinking about myself! I lost my creativity.im doing a pitty party for me because know wants to know how I feel or want to because their lives are tuff too. I can’t wait till my life is done and so will other people. I should be greatful I’m alive but when loved ones around you are annoyed by your feelings , it’s hard to see to beauty of life…

  • T March 1, 2017, 4:47 pm

    I am like this often. Right now, in fact. I almost threw up from the effort I had to use to try not to break down and fake laughs amd happiness earlier today. I feel guilty about this, but sadness has been a comfort to me. I burn my hands when I feel a need to punish myself for depressing thoughts. I tried opening up to a friend, but he just kept telling me about how much he loved his girlfriend because she helped him when he was like that. And about how much he loves her. And about their conversations. And did I mention he told me about how much he loves her? And my pride won’t let me cry. I don’t have anywhere to run off and cry by myself because of a small house, and someone is always awake. I just feel like dying, honestly.

  • Lisa March 1, 2017, 5:17 pm

    Walking depression! I love that term. It’s like walking pneumonia, you have it, but are oblivious to the fact your lungs are filling up as you scurry around doing everything except taking care of yourself, until you’re on your deathbed. That’s what depression felt like for me. I wasn’t sad. I was exhausted. My feet felt like they were embedded in cement. I found myself crawling up 2 flights of stairs to make it to my bedroom. I was physically fit, healthy, and a month before the stair crawl, I completed a 10 mile race. Something should have clicked then, and yet I kept walking until 2 years later my body said ENOUGH! . Thank you for putting into words everything I was feeling and giving voice to this phenomenon.

  • jasmine March 2, 2017, 11:50 pm

    I’ve always been a fan of routine and not having it can seriously throw me off track. Either way, this year is particularly chaotic as I am finishing my master’s degree and working part time, mostly odd hours. Writing my graduation thesis has become such a struggle and so stressful that I become nauseous every time I start to write. The fact that I don’t know what to do with my life after I finish adds even more pressure and I feel hopeless, exhausted and wired… I just can’t concentrate on anything for more that 30 minutes, being on the go all the time frustrates me, but staying in bed makes me go crazy… I have gotten to a point when I can’t stand myself and I really need to get this sorted out.The fact that I live in a country that doesn’t offer much economic stability to its young people doesn’t really offer anything to look forward to. As far as my personal life goes there’s nothing going on. I don’t meet friends, I do things by myself most of the times, which helps me break the chaotic pattern, but doesn’t really provide any long term relief… Sorry for the long comment. I just needed to let it all out today. I just hope all of you who have posted here find your peace and happiness 🙂

  • Tay March 3, 2017, 8:28 pm

    Not sure what to say here.. I stumbled apon this page just googling some of the feelings/changes I’ve been having (I know it’s not smart to self diagnose but it’s worth a look). Over the past year, I’ve been going through periods of just udder sadness and negative judgement towards myself. I’m not a mom, I don’t have a big rewarding job, or anyone depending on me like some of the other ladies on here. I live a normal life, working full time, living pay to pay, in a steady relationship of 2+ years & yet I seem to feel this overwhelming sensation of just sadness and the urge to cry every time I am alone. I seem to get up every morning, Slip on my happy face, go on with my day like nothing is even wrong. Even though I have people that ask me what’s wrong, I don’t like to put my issues or whatever on them. The thought of doing that, makes me even more anxious and makes me close up. I’ve never been the type of person to show emotion or talk about my feelings but it seems lately, I can’t control them. I just want to go back to how I was. I just, don’t know how to do that. I feel like I’m losing myself to this dark side that I just can’t fight off.

  • Haajara March 4, 2017, 4:34 pm

    I’m 18 and feel tired everyday i hate being around people because i can’t be myself i always have a mask on my face and always act like everything is alright and i hate that but i can’t help it. I have no friends and sometimes i get lonely but i feel more comfortable being alone i do feel like i want to disappear and be away from all the stress and pressure i lock myself in a room and only come out when my family is sleeping. It’s hard to believe that I’m depressed but reading everything it’s exactly how i feel and act i want to stop but i don’t know where to start and how to. I don’t write/talk much about my feeling i don’t know why i wrote this but i feel much better thank you.

  • Jenni March 4, 2017, 8:38 pm

    I spend time with family and friends. I like my job and I’m on the deans list at my college. However, I am not happy at all. I feel so ungrateful because there are people who have it way worse. I don’t want to tell my parents or friends because they won’t understand. I’ve been trying to find a therapist but there aren’t any good ones where I live. I’ve been so bitter and jealous of other peoples happiness that I just distance myself from them. I’ve distanced myself from almost everyone and I just miss how my life used to be. I want to talk to a therapist but there isn’t a good one in town. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

  • Joshua March 5, 2017, 6:36 pm

    Hi my name is josh I’m 25 years old I had abit of a rubbish past and I’m really struggling to get over the events I have witnessed and been through my self my mum was a heroin addict along with her boyfriend and my dad was a violent drunk i was abused as a child my childhood has really affected me I’ve done bits and bats of counceliing but it wasn’t for me I was afraid to really open up to a stranger and the thought of having to relive the memory’s was really daunting for me I feel stuck and trapped I have a good job a beautfull girlfriend and a wonderful son I’ve worked really hard d to be where I am today from what I was but it’s really taken everything out of me no matter what I do I just feel the same I’m sad and hate myself I’m finding life a real struggle and often think suicidal I just want all the memory’s and all the knightmares to stop I don’t understand how what I have got isn’t enough for me to go seek help but it’s hard I saw this page and I feel everything you say about walking depression I can relate to if there is anybody on here that can help or assist me with further help I’d really appreciate it thanks for taking your time to read this.

  • Rebecca March 6, 2017, 9:26 am

    Hi everyone, I’m becca. I’ve been suffering what feels like a depression for over a year. I was at my worst this time last year; wasn’t eating or sleeping, yet I layed in bed for days feeling like I couldn’t move. Thought about suicide often, and I could never actually enjoy anything. I’ve recovered from that, but not fully. I’m at a point in my life where nothing seems worth doing, and I’m generally unhappy. I’m unmotivated when it comes to school, which is starkly different than how I’ve been my whole life. I’ve taken education seriously, and even during traumatic moments of my life, I put it first. I can’t seem to find a purpose for my life and I’m thinking that it could be me experiencing one of my lows and that I’m still suffering from depression, but I don’t know, and my parents don’t really know how to go about finding me help. I just don’t understand why I can’t even try to do better. It seems like my whole life is purposeless and I don’t know how to get it back. I live my day to day rather normally, but I can’t do anything that benefits me. I know I’m not making good decisions, but I’m doing it anyways. I really need advice on what to do next.

  • Jeff March 6, 2017, 9:58 am

    Everyday I wake up and put a smile on and go about my day. I spend most of the day trying to put smiles on everyone and anyone’s face. When the night comes I sit around and cry wondering what happened, where did everything go wrong? I don’t let anyone see this and don’t ever talk about it. I am starting to worry about my health

  • Lauren March 6, 2017, 1:53 pm

    I really like how this post is geared toward artists. I am glad I found this and am very interested in checking out your book. Thanks for sharing and caring.

  • Jordan March 8, 2017, 11:04 am

    I am 21 years old I’m single I have been for around 3-4 years now. All I know is after I became single and I lost my car all I do is work and pay my bills! I try to keep a smile on my face but it seems like one thing after the next and I’m back in this lonely state of mind. Almost as if I as lost and no one can save me!

    Please help me someone!

  • Kevin Marcus March 8, 2017, 11:52 am

    Imagine being a closeted gay at an all boys boarding school with ?? 0 Friends. And spending your day around people that look down on your for not engaging in conversation or sticking up for yourself when you get bullied ( which is all the time, and at boarding school you don’t have the luxury of running away ). All the while trying to pretend that you find Kim kardashian hot as hell and running around to find a good metric ball partner. And no I can’t ask for help because my parents are very close to almost all my teachers and that is just too awkward. Also because if my parents found out I was depressed their reaction would be something like; “what now ?” I really wish I had the energy to talk and put on a smile (even if it is fake). But you know what; my marks are good so I guess I’m still managing just fine. I’ll just go with the flow of life. Never try to go against the current. Even though that current is taking toward becoming an engineer, which is sooo boring. I WANT TO PLAY DRUMS, anywhere I don’t care. I’m good at it I know but ? drummers can’t fake having energy to liven up the audience so…we can scratch out that idea ? Every day I wake up feeling down, every SINGLE night I cry myself to sleep, every time I hide in my dorm to get away from people trying to push me don’t and every time lie in by bed broken by other people’s words, I tell myself; just do the work and move on. Maybe the next place will be better. Does is it get better? It’s been 3 years now. Does it get better?

  • Vicky March 9, 2017, 12:33 pm

    I struggle a lot because I think about helping myself or getting help but then I stop because I get this crushing feeling that I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know why.
    I also deal a lot with always feeling like I’m not where I should be at in life, like I’m always trying to push to the next thing but once I get there it’s not good enough.

  • Cameron Dale March 11, 2017, 9:06 am

    I wouldn’t post this if I didn’t recognize the signs in myself. I know I’m not where I could be but after blowing so many chances why do I deserve another? It’s affected my relationship with my parents the most as I feel anxious during phone calls or visiting home. After everything, more help is the last thing I want. They don’t deserve my burdens being passed to them.
    In my final fall semester as a cadet, I dropped my uniform hat while leaving school for a march in my hometown. Because of such a small detail, I could not participate in the parade. While no one in my outfit held it against me, the slip up was deeply humilating, and I wanted to quit out of shame. However, on my parents counsel, I stayed in until my senior year ended. But when asked if I felt proud, I have been unable to answer with any enthusiasm. I felt like a hangers-on, superfluous.
    Completing my super senior year has been the darkest episode in my life. I have failed a few classes, such that I’ve had to postpone graduating. Every opportunity has been another chance for mediocrity rather than success. Disappointing myself gave way to disappointing my loved ones.
    I don’t consider suicide as a legitimate course of action, but it feels as though my only competency is harming those close to me. My dependency on my parents has never been more apparent and shameful. My selfish desire is to separate my sphere of misery from them so I can be free of the guilt of disappointing others.

    At the end of the day, that I don’t truly have a reason to be so beaten only compounds the sense of worthlessness. What reason have I, who has been so richly blessed all my life, to be depressed at 23? Is saying this is more than youthful laziness not making an excuse? But I read this article and I see myself, the trap I’ve been in. I’ve been loathing myself for over a year and hurting myself and my family because of it. So I’m posting here to take a first step towards changing my decaying orbit. I feel like I’m seeing things with both eyes now. Thank you.

  • Tassyg March 14, 2017, 7:38 am

    50 yrs old and my life truly has been blessed with a great husband, 2 great kids and great job, great health . we have had some financial struggles but coming out of it with hard work , my biggest issues are I worry constantly about money and my future , I feel so motivated at times and then I have days where I am extremely overwhelmed with anxiety, worry and exhaustion. I can have a a great week with work, exercise and productivity and still feel lost and dysfunctional and like I have accomplished nothing. other big issue is I just don’t feel joy anymore… the simplest things used to make me so happy but i lack the emotion and i never want to do anything fun, I do things with my family all the time but its very forced and again i just feel lifeless. .. I do a great job of hiding this cause no one notices any of this … sometimes I do feel as though its my marriage and i am not in love with my husband anymore and Im just drained. we do not have a bad relationship but after 24 yrs of marriage its not what I would call a great marriage, I struggle with the idea that my ignored depression/sadness makes me feel this way or I really do feel this way about my husband and thats why Im depressed or whatever it is I am feeling. I have every reason to be happy but i am not. I recently equated my emotions with the idea that I use to have 1 bad day and 10 great, now its like 5 bad days and 1 good day.
    sucks!!!

  • James March 14, 2017, 2:49 pm

    I am walking depressed

  • Max March 15, 2017, 4:53 pm

    Well, hello, I am alive.

    I am a lost soul and can’t rely remember when I had the last meaningful conversation with another person, sometimes I wonder if my communication skills are somehow impaired by years of loneliness, dullness and depression or if this is just a bad dream.

    I must have been around 14 when I first considered death as beautiful and peaceful escape. I can’t recall the details, but loneliness was involved. I also quit playing the piano at around this age, although I liked it and it used to be so so fun to play. The rest of high school I tried to get rid of my loneliness but I failed, lots of tears at night. I got addicted to video games, it was so so effective at easing the pain. The following years I tried to medicate myself with drugs and traveling but I only got deeper into the darkness.

    I am 26 now and I feel hopeless as ever. I don’t have any friends anymore and I am afraid to talk to the people who are aware of my suffering because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone any longer. I can’t finish university because I can’t barely take a shower anymore. My family thinks that I am lazy but the truth is, I try to hide my suffering as good as possible because I am so embarrassed about myself.

    Everyday I drag myself along. I don’t see a future for myself, but I’d never kill myself. I tried, but I found that I am more afraid of dying than of living.

    At this point I barely cry anymore. I gave up on everything. So much self-loathing. I just don’t know what to do and were to begin. It’s so much and I am so confused. Why is there so much pain and distress in my life? Why haven’t I found a way to help myself… I am so afraid of the future.

  • Alone and Confused March 15, 2017, 10:02 pm

    The idea that it seems presumptuous to put yourself in a category where you’re still getting by and others are not is the exact reason why I haven’t admitted this to myself. Ever since I started college, and even some in high school, I would feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, I felt like I couldn’t be myself, and add that onto overthinking everything and thinking I’m not good enough, and you have my entire mess of a life in a nutshell. Every day I tell myself how lucky I am to be where I am, doing what I am doing, and that there is no reason for me to be unhappy. But no matter what, I’m still unhappy. My self-talk has turned toxic because I feel ashamed that I feel this way when I shouldn’t, and use that as motivation for keeping myself going. I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t help it.

    I don’t know if I’m even overthinking this, or if I actually need some help. Do I get help or carry on? I don’t know anymore.

  • kyra March 16, 2017, 11:36 am

    i want to die

  • Diana D March 17, 2017, 3:25 pm

    Hello. I’m 29 years old woman. I read your article because I’m very desperate with my life. I feel like nothing makes me happy. I feel empty in and out. Sometimes I don’t even know what am I doing here, I don’t find a meaning for my life. I got married almost 3 years ago, and since that happens everything came down. I came to realize the person I married is not the one I want in my life. We have had serious troubles on the road and nothing seems to fix it. I’m very stress out for my future. I have nobody around that understand what is happening to me. I honestly do not know what to do. All I want is just to disappear or to be somewhere nobody knows me or judge me.

  • Sally March 19, 2017, 3:42 pm

    In 7 years I have lost a baby (miscarriage), my sister (cancer), my father (military related). My husband and I built our dream home right before the economic crash. His job tanked so I went back to work. Was fired from that job and humiliated professionally for no reason other than boss wanted to work with his best friend so he cut me loose. There are financial and emotional issues now in my marriage, and I’ve just recently consulted with a divorce lawyer. I’m so low emotionally but I’ve run out of tears and have almost become cold emotionally. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

  • Desi March 19, 2017, 4:31 pm

    I am glad that I came across this article. I felt so alone. I act so “happy, happy, happy” to everyone. When I can’t put on the happy face I avoid people, and stay home a lot. I have been trying to find my way back to me. I don’t know, maybe that’s a myth I’m looking for. I have dedicated the last 21 years to raising the kids and being a wife. Now the boys are 19 and 20. However the 20 year old has Down Syndrome so he is still 7-8 cognitively), so he will always need me. My husband has a stressful job and is very grouchy. I can usually still stay smiling, and happy happy face. Lately I just can’t. Life it can’t be simple, can it?

  • Joe March 19, 2017, 8:31 pm

    I’m 62 and have no reason to feel like this. I had an uncle my dads brother who was going thru a depression when I was young. Part of the year he was crazy happy the other part depress. I’ll get thru this with prayer, faith and family support. One thing I’ve learned is life is what u made it. So don’t give up on yourself. You are stronger then you think.

  • Vera C Pouncey March 20, 2017, 7:41 am

    Depression yes I have it period I feel blue I feel sad I feel lonely been going on all my life now I wonder what is happiness I’m a 60 year old widowed now my kids say Mom go to the gym and workout so now I’m doing that I’m that person that walks around holding the sign that would have 🙂 but behind the sign I’m sad I don’t want to be but it’s there I took medication for years it’s not helped I come off of it I love God and I know God loves me so I have to learn how to deal with it I pray to God everyday that he just send some happiness my way and I know when it’s my time he will so I just take one day at a time and try to learn how to smile so God bless you all and enjoy your day the best you can for that’s all we promised is one day at a time amen

  • Vanity's Emptiness March 20, 2017, 10:03 am

    I recently felt that my worth and passion have been stripped from me, I recently had a very painful breakup with a girl I was with for 2 years, and during these 2 years I tried my hardest to be an honest and good man to her. I am by no means successful or wealthy, and she didn’t have a job and was struggling with a lot of issues herself. I had let her use my car and walked to and from work everyday because I wanted her to be able to do the things she needed to do and help her family get to and from places or get groceries, even let her use it to go out and have fun with her friends and sisters. I also gave her and her family money for food when they didn’t have any, for clothes, and for Christmas to get herself and her family gifts ($500 I didn’t have to give btw) and when her and her sister got kicked out of their house, I gave them enough money to rent a home and paid for the first 2 months of rent. and I never asked her to pay me back, all I wanted was for her to spend time with me which she hardly ever did. I thought I was doing the right thing for the person I felt myself falling in love with. Well about a month ago, I found out from a used to be best friend of hers that she had been cheating on me the whole time we were together, I didn’t believe her at first until she showed me the proof, she had been sleeping with other guys and letting them drive my car, even bought them gifts with the money I gave her (she never bought me gifts for my birthday and got me a sweater that was too small on Christmas) and was taking them to meet her family while I never got half the attention, I never had sex with her because she told me her father had raped her when she was younger, and I thought it was only right to just be by her side and not force anything, come to find out that was a lie as well. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the back…I brought it up with her and showed her the proof, she denied it of course and pretended that I was lying about her and believing others over her, and she called me a fucking weirdo and blamed everything on me. I never yelled at her, I told her everything I felt and what I wanted with our relationship, and that I was willing to make changes for us…and she told me she would never hurt me, that she loved me and wanted us to work….and yet she became everything she said she wouldn’t…I’ve lost hope in everything and in everyone, I hardly feel anything anymore, no joy, no meaning, and my worth feels completely gone, almost as if it was never there. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why I’m actually writing this on here, I think I just needed to say something, or maybe I just thought saying it would make me feel some sense of gratification… well I’ve said enough, I already said more than what I needed to.

  • Kaylah March 20, 2017, 12:03 pm

    I feel like this post was a great resource. Everything I read seemed like it fit where I am at this point in my life. I’m young, 19 actually. I’ve been to college, left. I’ve worked many jobs and never stay at any of them long. I’m a miserable person. Not in the sense that I’m mean and evil to everyone around me, because you wouldn’t know that I was dealing with this if you looked at me. But inside, I feel miserable and worthless. Like I’m not contributing anything to this world. My passion is a creative one, and I’m in the process of trying to make it my career but meanwhile I’m in limbo. What keeps me going is the thought of “getting where I’m going” but I’m terrified that once I get there I’ll be unhappy or that this deep sadness and nasty internal dialogue will seep back in and ruin it. I’ve made the mistake of putting my happiness in the hands of others. I know nobody can get me there but me. It’s just, I’m killing myself trying to get there. Its like I don’t know how. As soon as I try to motivate myself with positive thinking all that’s wrong with my life comes rushing into my thoughts. Then I feel ungrateful for complaining which makes me feel even worse about myself. Neither of my parents are near me. I live with one other family member. I am engaged and that’s something that I’m excited about but lately that area of my life has been sour. There’s been issues sure, but the biggest one lately is space. I’m in a constant long distance relationship because of work with no end in sight. I know it bothers him but I don’t feel like it bothers him that much. It causes arguments between us which takes a lot of energy (something I’m kind of limited on as of late) I don’t know what to do. I’m drowning in misery.

  • Jo March 21, 2017, 7:18 am

    I feel so helpless. I don’t even know for sure if what I have is depression or not but most of the time I find myself overthinking everything, questioning myself and my life. I have been living like this for more than 3 months and it’s not improving the least bit. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness and the worst part is that I don’t know why. I’m always anxious and feeling down. It’s nothing I have experienced before and I don’t know what to do. Maybe this is just how life is and I should suck it up. I’m just so confused and not sure what to do. My biggest fear is to stay like this for the rest of my life and in that case I don’t see the point of living. I’ve read many articles like this and it’s the first time I decide to comment asking for suggestions or solutions.

  • Tom K March 21, 2017, 9:52 pm

    So i have been depressed for awhile. So i work with a girl and me and her were talking. Everything was going good. Then she chose someone else than me. That hurts. She broke up with the guy. I still have to work with her. She’s always saying i love you. But the amount of bs i get from her is alot. I want to tell her when i quit my job. What shes done and make her feel like total shit. I just don’t want us fighting at work. I just don’t know what to do until may when i leave. And should i tell her how i feel? I could write a long paper on this person but i won’t. How do i deal with everything? Its making me miserable

  • Keerti Jetly March 22, 2017, 7:17 am

    It seems u just described me in as many words. Have been feeling so since my teens..but nowadays I feel like I don’t have the strength anymore. Carrying the mask around seems too heavy and I am tired. Searching for a good Counselor around.. just so I can find my feet again. Thanks for the article and bringing clarity.
    Regards

  • Chuck March 23, 2017, 12:39 pm

    I just want to die…felt alone and unloved..every hates me including myself

  • Jessica March 23, 2017, 8:02 pm

    I am currently depressed. I don’t know what to do with myself and feel as if my brain doesn’t work because I’m focused on being sad all the time. Tell me what to think about…I always question myself “what are your goals in life?” “What do you want to do with the rest of your life?” “Do you want a boyfriend?” “Do I need a boyfriend?” I literally don’t talk to anybody because my best friend has a bf and only hangs w him now and everyone has their own set of friends and I’m here like what the fuck am I doing on earth right now? All I need is someone to talk to all the time, always be here for me, always hit me up to do shit, question me, “how are you doing today????!!!!”, actually care for what I do in life. I am currently crying while I write this horrific paragraph about how my emotions are reacting towards everything and how I feel. Can someone please tell me what to do because I might go psycho. I feel like I can’t hold a conversation with anybody. I feel like I might go mute being so silent . I think this is called DEPRESSION.

  • Marissa March 24, 2017, 3:02 am

    i dont know what to say or do any more. i used to be a successful person and i thought i was happy, then nothing started to make sense any more. ive lived a compartmentalized life and nothing connects..

    no one knows me because ive hid from the world by always being busy and never revealing my true emotions. workaholic.. faking my existence.. lost in the madness of what i tell myself i need to be to avoid confrontation..

    i took a leave of absence from work, lost my job, lived out of my car, now im at my parents.. i left home when i was 18 and now im 34 and im worse off than when i was just a kid.

    now im just living here, a shell of person. i rarely go out. i just draw and read and write or sleep. just living a zero existence with the bit of money i had saved up before i became useless. before my brain decided to shut the fuck down and stop functioning in any meaningful way.

    but why did i shut down? the details are painful and i dont wish to get into it, but a lifetime of sexual and gender issues, molestation, rape, drug use, and you know the untreated bipolar and major depression… and when i tell people what im going through, they dont know how to deal with it… people have blamed me just for being me..

    im just fucked. people just want to blame me for being me. like im a lost cause now that ive admited my weaknesses and got diagnosed.. everyone is fearful of me if i tell them or if they find out i have these disorders. i never had these problems until i went and was diagnosed. its like a label that never leaves… i wish i had just NOT admited my faults to the world!!!!!!!!! now the world HATES me.

    i just want to die…

  • ViVi March 25, 2017, 8:40 am

    I cried while reading the list of symptoms because I feel all of this and some more. No idea how to get myself out of this but I know I need to 🙂
    Thanks for the post, it helped me identify where and whats wrong so I know where I can begin to help myself.

  • Greg March 28, 2017, 2:45 am

    As a painter and writer, your description is fairly accurate of me. Except I will add that I have narcolepsy. It is perpetual tiredness and depression. But I want to share two things which help me significantly. First, God is important. We are created. I believe this is why artists yearn to create themselves. Knowing I am loved when it is difficult to love myself is a great hope. My second bit of advice is perhaps more practical: Magnesium. Magnesium is the mineral our body requires in order to be capable of relaxing. This essential mineral has transformed my life and allowed some days of relaxation and happiness. Stress, illness, alcohol or drug use (including prescription drugs) all deplete our body’s store of essential magnesium. I personally alternate between Powdered magnesium citrate and chelates magnesium glycinate. Both forms are easily absorbable, though some may find one or the other more tolerable. I started out taking 50mg a day and gradually increased it to 800mg until I had recovered my balance with the calcium in my body. Now I take 200 to 400mg a day. It helps with over 360 bodily processes. I don’t believe our western food sources have enough magnesium naturally because of modern farming methods. I cannot tell you how many people I have helped by recommending taking this simple, essential mineral that is perhaps more important than calcium or potassium. It takes time to work for most people. Give it a year at least. Some people however find the effects of taking this mineral is very dramatic. I helped one person who was taking all sorts of sleeping aids and antidepressants but could not sleep for more than two hours a night for several years. It turns out he was severely magnesium deficient.

  • ·~· March 28, 2017, 5:05 pm

    This is as accurate as it could be, but what if your living with the people that caused it, what if your too afraid to tell anyone. No, not because of shyness, but because of what the peoples rank are, what if one person is just overwhelmed by just the expectations and people just plainly bothering you? Pardon me, it’s kind of hard to put it in words. For example, what if your a minor and your parents are the cause of the depression, how and who could you tell without feeling guilty? In this case, the person would be vulnerable since he/she is just a children and people dont really KNOW or the child is just acting to be happy. It’s like a emotion that can’t explained, you know what your suppose to do, but its just that emotion that stops you from doing anything, just that feeling of simply not wanting to do it for the sake of yourself, its really hard to explain but I am feeling that currently. I wish I could get a therapist but its that, that emotion. It’s like a combination of resistance. What should I do? Or in another case, who and what the child should ask and do in the case of their parents causing the depression and no relatives near? I’m sorry if it seems so complicated.

  • Danny March 29, 2017, 2:49 pm

    I completely understand this. I’ve never heard of the term, “Walking depression”, but I couldn’t think of a better phrase. The worst part of it all is that I’m going through all of this on my own. I’m a pretty lonely person, but I’m not sure why. I have so many friends that I could call, but I don’t. I can’t. Haha, if people knew how I was truly feeling, they’d be completely surprised, because people see me as the ultimate happy guy, when in reality, I’m usually depressed most of the week. I’ve created this “happy mask” for everyone to see, and sometimes when my sadness gets too heavy, it’s so exhausting to be around people. I don’t understand how one day I could feel like I’m on top of the world, and yet, the next day I would feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders…

  • Bob March 30, 2017, 11:03 pm

    Wow. That was an exact list of my emotional states for the last… 5? years. I get older, it just gets worse.

  • Elijah S. March 31, 2017, 7:13 pm

    I’ve been feeling depressed for about three years now. Nothing is really “fun” anymore. Anything that is fun is out of my reach since I’m broke as s**t. I can’t really afford to get any sort of help for anything since I’m broke as s**t and this world, and much of the people in it, are selfish and horrible where nobody will help you without payment. Constantly tired, dragging myself out of bed to go to work for most of my day, only to come home aching and sore to just watch some videos to pass the time. Drawing is just personally disappointing now, and I don’t really have any motivations to do anything compared to when I was a few years younger. Days turn to weeks, weeks into months, months into years, until now I’m here without much to show for it. Having to pay off bills, continue working, saving money and helping out around the house. I don’t really have any desire to kill myself… at least… not yet. But if I have to remain this way for the rest of my life, I will probably just decide to “do something about it.” People keep saying that life is great and beautiful, but all I can ever think about is if I’ll ever get a better future, and what I’ll do if I don’t. I’m just so tired…

  • Apr April 2, 2017, 7:53 pm

    I walk around day after day and am filled with disappointment. I am 34 years old and have 5 children I love them so much.. but I feel I am not good enough not at work not at home not at anything and yet I put a smile on put eveyone else first and keep going.. but I cry when no one is looking.. I feel guilty when I do anything for myself.. I feel completely lost and lonely..

  • C April 4, 2017, 9:20 am

    Wish I had words to explain how I feel but those words just doesn’t want to come out

  • Penny April 5, 2017, 5:11 pm

    I’ve been depressed about 10 years, i’ve recently known this and every sign mentioned i’ve seem to have. I also ‘eat’ my feeling which caused my weight gain in the past year since i left my work. Everything is sucking the life out of you. I starved myself when i use to work because i was self conscious about my weight. I’ve been bullied, do what everyone else told me to do and tried to help people even if they didn’t like me. It came back to bite me and i spent everyday in a class room filled with students who hate me. Even my only two friends, i feel they hate me. I cut to feel better and this is how depression rules my life. Every time i want to open up to someone, the voices and my body just freeze and i become a mute…..

  • Ananda F April 7, 2017, 8:03 pm

    I’ve been feeling this way for years. Lately it’s been coming to the surface more. I run a very successful business, manage a building, have a good relationship and go to school full time. Most of it was to mask this underlying feeling that something just isn’t right….that deep down I had a desire to do nothing but because I’m here, I should do something and make good use of the time. I’ve been going to see different doctors and therapists over the years but nothing really seemed to make it go away. Not sure what to do but, if anyone’s reading this, you’re not alone 🙂

  • Minky April 10, 2017, 6:04 pm

    Up until now, I didn’t realize that what I’ve been fighting for the past 2 years is this “walking depression.” I am 55 years old, post-menopausal, single, no kids, with a well paying though very high stress job. I have a manager that is always on my butt, and I broke out with Shingles (something I’ve had for years) for the first time in years. My feelings have been mostly a numbness towards anything joyful, creative, or social. I’d rather sit at home with my dog, and watch TV than go out and hang with friends, try something new, meet new people. I lost the finest equine ( I’m an equestrian) a year and a half ago, and along with that a very close friend. I’ve been single for years, but have trust issues stemming from years of being cheated on by almost every man I cared about. I am fit, attractive, and smart, but most of time I feel as if I am putting on an act that everything is great – and really, my life has good in it. I have a loving family, own my own home, a dog, and great friends. I practice gratitude daily, do yoga every morning, and restorative yoga during the week, but I can’t break this funk. Not sure if it’s Shingles related, but adding Shingles to the mix has not helped my pervasive melancholy. I feel as if I will never meet anyone worthwhile, and if I never leave my house, I know I never will. The Shingles is related to my high stress job, I know, but it adds, its own sets of challenges – brain fog, depression, back pain, fatigue, rash, etc. I’ve finally consulted my doc and am waiting for the results. Hoping for a change.

  • Hgwells April 10, 2017, 9:58 pm

    My heart broke when I read this. I thought I was alone in feeling this way and I hate that there are so many others who feel the same. I thought I would be comforted to have company but I am honestly so sad for everyone else facing this. I hope it gets better for all of us

  • Naja April 11, 2017, 4:48 am

    I’m a 17 year old student who feels exactly the same way as described in the article above. I know that my happiest times on this planet are the moments where I have a glass of wine in my hand. I am well aware of the fact that my father had been an alcoholic when he was young, but I am now questioning wether or not he started drinking because he felt the same way I do now.

    I myself am tired of everything and my empathy for other people seems to have gone down the drain with my last happiness. I hurt the people around me all the time althought it somehow hurts me way more.
    My parents are telling me to go see a psychiatrist.
    Should I go?
    For some reason unknown to me, I am dreadfully scared of it.

  • Phil April 13, 2017, 12:38 pm

    Hello there. I don’t know if anyone is still going to respond to this, but I..I really wanted to say something as well.

    All of the things in the article were correct. I’m alive at night, dead by day. I feel like the day drains my energy away. I’ve tried to wake up early sometimes, but most of the time I’d rather just sit down in front of my computer and just…well. Not do anything because I’m terribly tired for some reason.

    I know that reason might be because I stay up till the inhuman hours, but I don’t understand myself with that too. I wake up usually at 9:00 am. Sleep at 3/4 am. Nap about an hour somewhere between. It’s like when it’s night I have the energy to move, without the sun I see that I could do something right, and all of that.

    The sun just reminds me of everything unpleasant to me.

    Everyday I condemn myself. My brain is plagued with awful thoughts yet I have the mindset of “Really now. Are you going to listen to that? Of course not. If you are, pathetic”. And I hate myself for it. I don’t understand.

    I’m quite the ‘chill’ person, when you ask my friends. I don’t experience stress. But nowadays my temper is so short. I get angry at the people around me, lash out to them, and my words have the nastiest bite. I was never like that, yet here I am. I answer back at my parents; several times it has gotten back at me bad. Yet now I just… do it, as if it’s impulse; I don’t even think about how it’s bad to answer back at them. And yes, I get hit on the arm (punch) leg (kick) and head (slap) for doing those. Yet I glare at them and wish that they would burn.

    But after two seconds I realize what I’ve done and tear up. Make up with them and try to soothe their anger, by showing that I’m alright to talk to now. Of course, my parents have the worst tempers, so I have to walk on glass when approaching them. One wrong step and I’m back to square one, and more hurt than ever.

    Aside from my once-chill persona, I am actually the literal ‘smiley’ type of person. I’ll laugh at the stupidest jokes, grin at corny ones, snicker at my own puns, laugh out loud at brilliant ones, and my default face is either a blank/curious gaze or a small, loopy smile.

    And I hate to think that I’m depressed. Yet I cannot say that I am because I don’t…want to think that I am, yet I do want to think of it at the same time?

    I want to cry at random times, and my heart beats fast that I have to stop whatever I’m doing. I want to scream and cry. I don’t understand. I want to, but I don’t understand.

  • Dave Edney April 14, 2017, 11:03 am

    Yes “Walking Depression” sounds about right. I have my moments when I feel optimistic about the future but it doesn’t last long. I have no real enthusiasm for anything but end up going through the motions. Not so depressed that I think about ending it all but everyday is just so much drudgery. I came up with a slogan a couple of weekends ago. “Life is not to be enjoyed but tolerated” That just about sums it up for me. Every time I think about doing something about my circumstances it puts me into one big Catch 22 situation. I suffer from low self-esteem so change is something that I need but it really doesn’t seem possible as I don’t have the confidence to do anything that makes my circumstances any better. I’ve been in the same job for 30 years – I turn 60 this year – and I’m worried that life will simply become a clock-watching exercise. Waiting for retirement and then having done so, waiting to get old. My life has also been complicated by an ageing mother whose health is deteriorating and the fact that I have fallen for someone who is WAY younger than me. My emotions are jangling on an almost daily basis. Every aspect of my life seems unsatisfactory and I don’t know what to do to make it any better.

  • Sam April 15, 2017, 1:18 am

    Looking back on my life (im now 35) its clear to see at least 5 episodes where I havent been able to cope well and the rest of the time somewhere in between happy and just getting by. I look back at those happy times and these are the times when my life has had the most direction, meaning and clarity such as planning my wedding, going to university. At the moment I feel most content as I meet with a spiritualist and engage in meditation and this has given me a greater connection and the reason why I am here in this world.
    Im not someone who is just content with the basics of life. I need all my senses stimulated and when there is something missing I tend to drop to a state of just getting by.
    Thank you for this article this has helped me understand myself so much more.
    If there are people out there that can relate to this then I would truly recommend seeing a spiritualist and engaging in meditation. X

  • katharine b April 15, 2017, 11:51 am

    I have been suffering from low moods over the past year. I am on long term unemployemt and claim Universal Credit where you are expected to last a month on not much money after you pay the rent and bills. I thought I could manage but after deductions for repaying old budget loans I am left short. I hate having to ask family for help as they have done it for so long. I am 35 and have not had a proper job for two years with a bit of volunteer work now and then. I struggle with anxiety and worry mostly about getting through the month. I cannot get loans although I am repaying my debts off, things feel somewhat hopeless. I hate the lighter nights as it makes a longer day for me. I know I am probably wallowing in self pity but why should I pretend to be happy when I am struggling?? You also get very little support from the job centre.

  • Lewis April 15, 2017, 1:45 pm

    Thank you. I find this extremely useful. Sometimes I may take walks for no reason, it helps sometimes, but sometimes it makes it worse by over thinking and telling myself not to be stupid, that I don’t have depression, why would I?

  • Jennifer April 16, 2017, 12:47 pm

    This is the saddest I have felt in my life. I can’t seem to shake it. My children are the only thing keeping me here. K never feel truly happy. I have a heavy heart daily. I need help

    • Coral April 18, 2017, 7:55 am

      I feel sad daily well really I feel sad hourly. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this gloom and doom feeling. I hate even leaving my house. When I do something for myself, I feel nothing but guilt. I cry almost everyday of the week, really over nothing. Just feel sad and empty.

  • Clay April 17, 2017, 10:18 pm

    thank you

  • Maggie April 18, 2017, 8:06 pm

    Lately I’ve noticed I have been very down and can’t get myself to do anything. I never even feel like leaving the house , I sleep like all the time. I sleep to pass the time. I only ever really feel like this when my husband is gone for weeks at a time for his job.

  • Maggie April 18, 2017, 9:02 pm

    Lately I’ve noticed I have been very down and can’t get myself to do anything. I never even feel like leaving the house , I sleep like all the time. I sleep to pass the time. I only ever really feel like this when my husband is gone for weeks at a time for his job. I’m trying so hard, to be better for my kids. At least I know I’m not the only one who feels so messed up. I used to have suicidal thoughts when I was younger, I even tried to off myself with pills. When I got pregnant with my first, those feelings just vanished. I had something to live for. But then a week before I was going to move in with my babies Father, I found out he cheated. I pushed my family away to be with him. I forgave him, but it’s always at the back of mind. I don’t even show him when I’m upset, I I put on a fake smile and act like everything is alright. I try so hard to keep myself together​. That little bit of betrayal, dragged my self confidence and self love through the mud. Now I always feel like I’m not good enough, I feel like there isn’t a point in trying to be any better. It didn’t start with him though. I was taken advantage of when I was only a teenager, my first time wasn’t all that pretty. It still haunts me but my husband has pulled me through most of my pain. But I still feel like something isn’t right, I’m happy. But I feel like I’m getting weighed down by my past. It’s worse when he’s not there to reassure me.

  • Barbara April 19, 2017, 6:40 pm

    Thank-you for writing this article. You’ve described my life very well. Over the years, I have researched and travelled down every avenue I could think of for the “fix” for my “defect” or antidote for my Poison. I’m tired with great emphasis placed on each letter of the word; T_I_R_E_D. Regardless, I know I’ll get up again tomorrow morning. I’ll dress up and I will show up. I will wander aimlessly, I will pull myself back from daydreams countless times. I will begin to feel a slight reprieve somewhere around mid day with a little additional energy…maybe even a window of 30 minutes will feel ‘super powered’ and I’ll optimistically remind myself that I can be productive, that I will be successful, and that everything is “Okay”. Soon, the work day is done and I breathe a sign of relief that I can feel ‘free’ from ownership and obligation until morning. Repeat.
    For sure, I am a highly sensitive person and I do search endlessly for meaning in life. Without finding ‘meaningfulness’, I don’t see the point whatsoever. This causes me to feel ‘unmoored’, without roots, or floating on a cold ice pan in the middle of the Ocean. The ordinary routine of commuter work life is soul-sucking for me and one day, I will have no choice but to make the change necessary to finally feed my soul before it starves to death.

  • Eric April 21, 2017, 4:38 pm

    I have Dysthymia – A low-grade chronic type of depression and it sounds as though many of us here do. I’m nearly 50 now. As a young adult, I worked on developing my talents in music for years. Had to get a real job in order to eat and sleep in a bed so that I could continue to do so. Growing up, my family life wasn’t a living h*ll or anything that should be in a movie, but it screwed me up just enough to blow my self-worth and crush my self-confidence thereby rendering me undateable – as I can’t imagine anyone could love me.
    A few years ago, I decided to make a real push on my music composition so I got up around 5:00am each morning and worked on it for about 60-90min for an entire year. At the end of that time, I had about two 5-min, fully orchestrated pieces of music (I tend to be a perfectionist…) but I realized that I just didn’t have the drive, nor the self-belief, to continue that process for another 10 years or so.
    Then my mother – the only one who believed in me though she had issues of her own – began a long battle with cancer which she eventually lost. Now I don’t really care about anything anymore. I’ve been on antidepressants for the past few years and have gone through a few years of counseling. Both have helped somewhat but, no cure. The only relief I’ve found from the soul-numbing daily existence of routine and nothingness is wine or beer; not getting “hammered” mind you, but raising my mood in the evening and then going through the whole thing again the next day, and the next, and the next… I have tried to compose again but just can’t seem to get going with it. I also took up another instrument (the flute) for a couple of years but both of these just leave me feeling emotionally dead and indifferent.
    I have a strong faith in God (Christian/Catholic) and I attend Church daily, sometimes twice. Now, I do NOT want to discourage anyone’s hope in God at all! In MY particular case only, I feel that God doesn’t care one whit about my earthly happiness, only my eternal happiness – as is evidenced by decades of unanswered prayers for joy, purpose or love. I am absolutely certain that He has a plan for me but that doesn’t mean it will be anything that I will find appealing in this life. In the Afterlife, I’m sure I’ll be eternally grateful for the path He chose for me but it is difficult to celebrate right now.
    I’m not upset, nor sad, nor angry… I am just waiting for my body to develop a serious illness (or just old age) so that I may finally leave this earth.
    Until then, I shall carry on without direction, goals, or felt purpose, and just keep marching forward into the fog.
    Happy Days all!! ;0)

  • Jeremy April 25, 2017, 6:57 am

    I just want you to know that there are people who understand. It’s probably not your family or close friends or anyone that actually knows you. It’s someone who feels like you do. And they would help you of they could. In fact, there is nothing in this world that they would rather do than help you. If the depression wasn’t in the way and they could find ways to find you and pick you up, I know they would. They would devote their life to it, all they money all the time. It’s not worthless or insignificant because you are the one the world needs to be healthy, because you have the tools to really understand, and the shit you deal with makes you care about others, and that makes you a person the world needs. Above or below all, depression gives you empathy. Find each other. Take the uncomfortable leap, the risk. Think about if someone, in one of your low times, gave you some friendship. I honestly really believe that you are the best kind of person.

  • daneimar April 25, 2017, 5:26 pm

    i feel like i sincerely relate to all of these things and i dont know what to do anymore?? because i cant even bear to see the point in even trying to get better it seems too hard of a task for me, almost as if im incapable of doing so but i try to remind myself that i can and i am fine but for once im truthfully admitting that i really dont feel fine at all

  • Jan April 25, 2017, 10:14 pm

    I’ve hated myself for as long as I can remember, I’m 17 and just now realizing how much my self esteem has really affected me. I can’t make connections and half the time I don’t even know how to communicate with my peers. My thoughts grow darker and darker everyday, and nothing seems to help anymore. I’ve loaded my darkest secrets on my closest friends, hoping that it would bring some clarity, but it hasn’t. Sure it’s helpful to know I’m not alone anymore, but now it’s even harder to pretend to be happy. God I just want to be happy, or at least be able to get through a day without muttering horrible insults at myself. I know I just need to let go of the past and forgive myself (and others) but I can’t. I don’t want to live my whole life like this, constantly cowarding in the dark and sinking into despair. I need help but can’t afford therapy and refuse to be medicated. What the am I gonna do man

  • Valeria April 26, 2017, 10:42 pm

    Before I’d look forward into expressing myself and making everyone laugh bc “of my randomness ” I started to acknowledge what others were saying, “she’s to loud, nothing that she says makes sense, she doesn’t think, etc”

    I was never fake, how most of my generation would say. I soon felt the change in me. I had no motivation in anything that I would do, I couldn’t finis what I had started. Others needs became mine and I started walking for others. When I get sad I get sad thoughts that keep repeating themselves in my head after I have prayed for them to leave me alone. No motivation to get off of bed, but I was still able to laugh, smile, talk, encourage others. But the hallow whole inside me became bigger.. Im not happy. Once, I was able to shut down and forget everyone and now that I’ve meet someone amazing who is so good to me, does not deserve for me to be like that to him. I’m used to rejection and I feel he won’t understand me. I just need him to understand that Im tired of feeling like this. I want to be able to do all the things I want to do and feel joy. I need change now.

  • Edgar Ochoa April 28, 2017, 9:07 pm

    Wow I’m depressed I think in really need to seek help after reading this almost half of this pretty much summarized my life please help as I have a family that really needs and depends on me I want to change my life around

  • drew April 29, 2017, 1:56 am

    Ive battled depression on and off since my early twenties, I am now 59. Ive also had to battle panic disorder, mood swings, low self-esteem, A.D.D. and Sleep Apnea which effects my daily routine. I pretty much ruined my life after losing my business in 2000. I also lost a fortune of money after two stock market crashes, the one in 2000 and the other 2008. The first one wiped me out of 1,500,000.00 and after making headway to almost half of that after 7 years, 2008 cut that down by about 40%. Ive worked and worked my ass off between trying to invest and my own business. And have nothing except a low six figures to show for it. And thats after investing about $1,000,000 over the course of my lifetime. Its quite pathetic actually and it haunts me just about every single waking hour every single day. With all my ailments and diseases, I wanted nothing more than to have a ton of money that I rightfully deserved to have and worked for and have not enough to retire with. I do not work and cannot work a regular job as my sleep apnea causes major interference with my staying alert and awake all day. Plus I have no degree or real skill set. The past five years Ive just been trying to revive my graphic design career which I was so successful with in the 80’s and 90′ but thats a huge crapshoot and god only knows if ill even get back on track…Im a complete and utter failure. I dont have the courage to even date if I could even meet anyone. And the sad thing is Im very good looking and can be incredibly funny and sociable but get blown off by women all the time when Ive tried. So I dont try anymore when Im out and about or online. Who’d want to be with me anyway? Youd think by now, id own a place of my own. But ever since the crash of 2000 Ive been misplaced. from 2007 till now Ive had to live at my Moms part time and out on my own for maybe 4 months out of the year is all I can afford. So I am really depressed and really see no way out of this and at my age when you fuck things up the way I have, there ain’t no more chances. I already blew two of them financially. And if I ever were to get back to having a lot of money again to make me independent I’ll either be dead before that happens or I’ll be too old to really even care knowing full well I have a very limited time left. I love when people say when you’re dead I hope he can find the peace he never found on earth. What a stupid statement that is. Because peace comes in the form of financial security, Love, a great relationship, Happiness, Fulfillment, Family, Success, etc, I no longer have any of those. And worse than that, As I age, I’m terrified of being alone for the rest of my life with no family, no mother, and no relationship. Suicide would be an option if I had the balls.

  • Jillian Jacques May 1, 2017, 5:44 am

    All of this is great unless you’re poor and in high school and can’t afford the time to take care of yourself. Everyone around me makes me feel like a loser because i havent been in control for years, and everyone around me has assumed that because when I first onset I seemed to have more of a walking depression, and now that I don’t everyone thinks I just out of nowhere coped out and theyre all angry at me, and don’t believe that I was suffering the whole time. So they think it’s for attention.

  • Mary janr May 2, 2017, 5:52 pm

    I think im one of that walking depression. Im not really sure. Everyday i do my duty for my family. Do all my chores as a mother, taking care my kids, play with them and laugh with them but deep inside i feel like in dying. Everytime i feel so useless and worthless. Whenever i see them doing things without me i feel like they can be more happy without me. I feel like i give badluck on my family. I feel like leave everything behind without a trace..

  • Olivia May 3, 2017, 4:24 pm

    I feel unfit to label myself as having walking depression. However I constantly feel sad and like nothing will make me happy. I’m always looking to the future and hoping that once those events arrive that I will suddenly become my old self and happy again but I know secretly that’s not the case. I know I have temporary fixes of happiness but I feel like I’m just a zombie moving along everyday honestly wondering what there is actually to live for. My boyfriend cheated on me, and had sex with someone else whilst we were together around 4 months ago. I was left deeply affected by how much pain it left me in, I honestly have not felt the same since, and cannot believe that still now it pains me at the thought of what happened. I wish sometimes it would all just go away. I don’t regret the time we spent together, but I find myself questioning whether it was worth the amount of unhappiness it is causing me now.

  • Johnny May 4, 2017, 2:55 pm

    I don’t know when it all started.I guess it has always come and gone but for the past 6 months it feels like I have the weight of the world pressing down on my chest every morning I wake up. “So much to do!” My mind tells me and before I even fully open my eyes I am in a panic attack.

    I have a great life, getting married in September to a great guy. I am using my degree in my field. Designing people’s homes and being able to create things on a daily basis. I have GREAT friends and we travel a lot together. I have a great family and a dog.

    Yet, I can’t enjoy it. I constantly feel like my chest is going to explode with emotions and none of them good ones. 3,000 emotions at any given moment and happiness seems to be the hardest. The feeling self loathing always rising up to the fore front. I just want to be okay, to not feel broken and sad or angry. I just want to feel happiness again.

    Finding a counselor has been rough. I found one and had two sessions but then my insurance wouldn’t cover it anymore and had to search elsewhere. Now I have to wait a month to see another one but in truth I find it hard to talk to someone I have to pay to listen. I don’t pay, they don’t help. I don’t want meds, though I think as a crutch I may have to but I don’t want to be a zombie either. I won’t talk to the people around me because then what? They treat me like I am fragile? I mean I am fragile but I don’t want them to change just because I have to? I love them and the burden of my depression shouldn’t have to be something they have to carry.

    I JUST WANT TO BE OKAY AGAIN!

  • Truth Of All May 5, 2017, 12:50 pm

    Especially when you’re still single with no love life at all.

  • KaraLynne May 5, 2017, 8:02 pm

    I sit here, tears rolling down my face, because almost everything that is mentioned, is me. The lack of energy. The confusion. The racing thoughts. The unhappiness.
    I have been my husband’s “caretaker”, of sorts, half our relationship (20 years) and almost our entire marriage (10 years). He is disabled, does not work and I believe he too, is suffering from depression. He sought out therapy and came up with so many excuses as to why he didn’t want to continue. He’s not the kind of man who likes to reveal anything about himself, even to me. I have done everything I could possibly think of to make each day better than the next for him, all the while neglecting anything and everything that has to do with me. Over the past few years, I have gotten sick every year, whereas I had always been lucky on not even catching a cold. I constantly have headaches, and body aches for that matter. I have gained so much weight and trying all the time to lose it with absolutely no luck in doing so. I’ve been chalking it all up to getting older. But then I realize that this feeling of sadness and gloom shouldn’t be happening at my age (late 40s) on an every day basis. I can literally remember the last time I actually had a good time, a happy time and it was years ago. I can still laugh at things that are funny, but I can’t be happy. Over the past 2 years, I was fortunate enough to go to 4 events that were only possible in my dreams. I mean, for years I dreamed about going and finally got the chance. At each one, I was “happy”, but not like I thought I should be. I should’ve been ECSTATIC. But, I wasn’t. I was extremely fortunate to have been able to afford them and go, but that’s about it.
    My marriage is now almost over, and even though it’s in that state, I still find myself doing only for him, and not for me. I try, but I just keep putting it off. And I don’t know why. Some days I feel as if I’m not worth it, but deep down, I KNOW that I am. I have so many thoughts, and then I have none. My mind feels at it’s filled with mud most days.
    I’ve never thought of myself as suffering from depression. I saw a friend go through it for years when we were younger and it landed her in the hospital, but what im experiencing is a fraction of that-or so I thought.
    I’m happy to have stumbled upon this page. It has put a smile on my face, albeit temporarily.

  • Chirag May 6, 2017, 11:08 pm

    I am depressed please help me.This one year has been worst of my life.I have no body to talk.I am alone.I want to laugh.

    • barbara johnson May 7, 2017, 4:18 pm

      Chirag, I am here if you need someone to talk to. I am going through some type of depression and it is just horrible. I think talking to someone can help. I am here to listen if you let me.

  • Barbara Johnson May 7, 2017, 4:03 pm

    I have been a 911 dispatcher now for approx 35 years. I am working in an environment that I hate so much. The hours are way too long and forced overtime and surrounded by death and suicides. I have always been able to cope but I find myself crying all the time, not wanting to go anywhere, not wanting to go to work and wishing I would not even wake up so I did not have to go to work anymore. I suffer from psoriatic- arthritis, getting ready for my 4th surgery for bladder prolapse-hernia and now dealing with high blood pressure. I suffered an ischemic stroke and TIA approx 6 years ago. I am not sure how much I can take. I pray for help and my husband seems to think I can just listen to him and get out of this depression. I have never felt like this before and I feel so totally lost. I have to stay with this depressing job for another 7 months and not sure if I will be able to do it or not. Has anyone else gone through what I am going through now?

  • Daniel May 8, 2017, 12:58 pm

    I have been suffering with depression for just over a year and now feel burnt out at work. I believe my symptoms are similar to those mentioned in the article but I think certain changes have exacerbated some feelings I carry under the surface. Having a child, marriage, stable job but with a very similar routine day in day out, pressure to live up to life’s dreams, moving abroad leaving family and friends, feeling isolated and lonely despite not being along.

    Despite all this some comments above also resonate with regards to improving this situation and I would be interested to know if anyone has improved these feelings with the following:

    Exercise – I mean a lot of exercise
    Meditation
    Yoga
    Increasing social contact with friends and family
    Improving diet
    Decreasing triggers and self medication such as alcohol

    I hope these things will improve my feelings regarding my life and get me out of this rut and through to a fulfilling life and mind. I know one thing for sure, I feel fine in the morning and bad at night and when I a tired. I think I am burntout and hope correcting that will get me back on track. Good luck to the rest of you. This list is getting longer and longer.

  • Rac May 9, 2017, 7:45 pm

    I’ve battled with this for what seems like a very long time. Probably going on a couple years, this one and last, i knew something was wrong. by effecting the lives of those afflicted i can tell you personally. I’ve lost friends, Been taken advantage of because of it (because in my gloomy state i found taking care of others to be a slight upper), ive had a few close suicide attempts and even writing this, i was down enough to try to find someone that felt the same. I’ve visited all the websites that now when i get really low and google what it is im feeling, i find that im re-reading most of the articles i come across. ive talked my self out of suicide numerous times because the people im around believe that its just something that im doing for attention or that im just “manifesting” and focusing on only what is bad in my life. and now, i’ve gone off on my own because i feel like the people im around, its like a dirty secret, and its something not to be talked about because ‘it’ll kill their vibe’ and i wish i was kidding about that part. first hand experience that those who i thought i could talk to turned their backs to me, which didnt help of course. its still a struggle to work my way out of the depths of this trench i find my self in, but if there is anything to take from this, its this (and ive never done this before so this will be a first):
    People who havent experienced this, will never understand the pain someone goes through. when it robs you of the words to even begin to try to describe it, it becomes bleak, like nothing will ever get better. If this is something that took the life of someone like robin williams (bless his soul) this is a very real thing. though i cant say it has gotten better for me yet, i can say that through all the dark trenches with the self inflicted scars that now riddle my mind, there is hope.
    No matter how hard things got, no matter how much i wanted to slide that blade or drive a couple miles an hour faster, i always was able to find something. something i cant really describe with words, but if that is what hope is, then i found, in the dark, hope. and i’m still here, now for the first time, telling people over the internet, maybe nobody will read this, or maybe just one person who really needs to hear this. i know how hard it is to believe me when i say this, but i love you. you are a beautiful soul, otherwise you wouldnt be hurting. you have so much to give in this life, and so much love to receive. By you, by your future husband/wife, your beautiful children and all their silly antics. it is always darkest before the storm, but after every storm is a rainbow and i know that sounds cliche but what goes up must come down, and there is nothing saying the opposite isnt true. Please just hold on a little while longer, the worst is already over and youre so much stronger than you were before it all started. i know how hard it will be, but look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself “I love you” even if you have to force the words out like a bubble traveling through cold syrup. You are enough. You are beautiful. You ARE loved. You are always being helped by unseen forces, and an invisible love that knows no bounds for you. and no im not talking about god. im talking about the pure love of a person who knows exactly what youre going through. Please stay strong, infinite blessings.

  • Anon May 11, 2017, 9:03 am

    I’m 35 and I still live with my Mom. My first 10 or so years after college I held a steady job which I often complained about but was genuinely passionate about and greatly miss now in retrospect. The last few years I’ve bounced around a few companies spending no more than 2 years any of them and every new job since has just been more of the same and I feel less and less able to cope with the stress and fast paced nature of the modern workplace. I’m tired of online chatting and virtual meetings and working with remote teams. I miss the days of working with my team in person and creating genuine relationships with people. This lack of human connection at work combined with physical ailments which have prevented me from running (I used to run 20+ miles per week to calm my nerves and regenerate myself), plus the overwhelming feeling like my life and career has no direction anymore has left me feeling broken and incapable of being happy. I fantasize about quitting my job, finding a part time job, and going to Nursing school, but I’m scared that this is just a way to distract myself for the time being and not sure if I’ll be any better off in a career as a nurse in a few years. And the idea of wasting 2-3 more years and being almost 40 and still living in my Mom’s house is just too much to handle. I have a lot of money saved (that’s the one thing I’m proud of and without this and a roof over my head I might be genuinely suicidal by this point) but I still just feel stuck and like I’m anchored to that money that I’ve saved because it’s all I have to show from my efforts in life so far and really scared to waste it on school or a condo which might not make me happy anyway. And then on top of all of this I feel so terribly guilty about being so sad when I have so much to be grateful for. A place to live, a close relationship with my Mom and my sister, money in the bank, and currently a pretty good job (even though I think I hate it). Despite all of these things to be grateful for I’m left feeling sad and directionless an like there is no path forward that leads to happiness. I think the first step is to heal my body so I can run again but I’ve gone through physical therapy and while it helped I still can’t run and sitting for long periods of time actually makes it worse. Maybe I just need somebody other than close family or friends to talk to.

  • Tora Kyle May 11, 2017, 12:54 pm

    While I can certainly consider myself to be a walking depressed, one of the things that I suffer from that it doesn’t mention is the self-belief that I have struggled with from the time I started school to my present day that I can’t do anything correctly that everything that I do is either subpar inadequate or just plain bad. When I was in high school and college I loved to create and particularly to write fiction but then my time in college ended and I had to get a job, that was nine years ago and my writing has been on a steady downward slope ever since then to the point now to where I can’t write at all. I have given up writing, and gone back to it more times than I can count and yet no matter how many times I try I just can’t finish what I start do mostly due to the overwhelming belief that everything I write is abysmal garbage that nobody will want to read or like.

  • Yasmeen May 12, 2017, 4:32 pm

    JUST WANT TO DROP EVERYTHING AND DISAPPEAR SOMETIMES!!!!
    I’m 26 with two beautiful awesome children ages 1 & 2, me and my children father live together and are in a relationship! I always wanted to be a house wife with that being said I’ve accomplished one of my goals which was finishing school for culinary arts! I did it but I haven’t done nothing with it , I still feel like I have the world on my back still bending over backwards to make sure everyone else is happy! Some days I don’t feel like doing anything but crawl into a space and drink because that’s what makes me feel at ease! I cry and scream because that’s how I feel most of the time! Don’t get me wrong I love my little family but I’m still not happy!!! Please help me!!

  • SV May 12, 2017, 5:17 pm

    Wouldn’t this “walking depression” be considered dysthymia? It’s a mild form of depression that lasts for a minimum of 2 years. I’ve gone back and forth between major depressive disorder and dysthymia most of my life, in addition to general and social anxiety, panic disorder, PTSD, and an unspecified personality disorder. I’m a mess. I don’t even know what it’s like to be happy bc I had a rough childhood too.

  • Estlinrose May 13, 2017, 4:35 am

    I think what freaks me out the most is how many people seem to feel this way, when you truly scratch beneath the surface. Good and sad to know I’m not the only one going around acting like everything is fine. I am deeply unhappy in my relationship with a deeply unhappy man who can’t recognise this fact. The only joy in my life is my son. Having another baby soon, relationship is in tatters and I find myself praying for him to walk about because the stress of trying to end it myself again is too much to bear right now. If I didn’t have my kids to think of there’s would be nothing keeping me here other than the feeling that giving up is not really a solution either.

  • Katie May 13, 2017, 5:49 am

    I can so relate to this! 2 yrs ago, I was so exhausted, angry and sad about my life. I felt my job was worthless, I often went days and weeks where I couldn’t get motivated to shower or change my clothes, and I cried a lot. But I could never let anyone see how bad I felt! I couldn’t label myself as depressed because I was still going to work and caring for my family everyday. My pain wasn’t worthy of such a label, as that would be offensive to the truely depressed.
    It is only now, looking back that I can recognise how bad things were.

  • Wayne May 13, 2017, 7:36 am

    I just searched the words”i am feeling depressed” cause this is what i am suffering at this moment, and found myself almost fitted the symptoms listed above. I tried to read my dairy, sadly to realized i had been suffering from depression for half a year. I could not express my negative mood, i didn’t want people around me to know my bad feeling. I had some friends, but i just didn’t want to talk to them about my real feeling, though ironically, i was really sad, low and feeling lonely. In the past years, i did a good job in my work. I know it is pointless to say i don’t like my work and my boss, but what’s more pointless is i am not sure what to do if i quit the job now. i am not happy everyday, walking tired, frustrated and worn-out. I know may be i am wasting my time typing these words, i just have no way to release myself. And forgive me if these words make u unhappy.

  • Dorthea Guess May 20, 2017, 11:20 am

    Not sure if I suffer, with walking, major, situational or even seasonal depression. I just know I never truly been happy in my entire life of existence. Although I’ve had happy times and happy moments I never truly felt just content and happy about being alive. But I do what I’m suppose to do cause atleast it makes other people happy.

  • Wendy May 20, 2017, 1:08 pm

    Hello All, I was hoping someone could give me advise. I am really emotional person due to the fact my husband does not put any money in the bank. This stresses me out and I cry a lot!! I feel like when I am surrounded by people, people look the other way and don’t say hi. Sometimes I feel as though I do not fit into this world. I feel like I am always screaming because I tell my husband to get a job he says God will provide mind you I provide with my Income through work. I am tired all the time & sleep in in the mornings because I am depressed and yes I feel better in the evening. I am a Beautiful blue eyed woman who deserves better. Although I would never look to divorce because my belief is God instituted Marriage and there are only a couple valid reasons to really get divorced. I really think I need a Therapist. So to sum it up I am sad, tired, negative & just not happy!!

  • Gabah May 21, 2017, 6:45 pm

    Actually, pretty much everything you itemise above applies to me, and has done for years. I feel helpless and disappointing to those around me. My work disgusts and bores me. I feel little sense of connection to my family and wish I could just “escape” and never have to have anything to do with anyone ever again. Instead I plug along, doing my pointless, but technically demanding, work a little bit less effectively every week, out of a sense of duty/obligation (my family is absolutely dependent on my income) and habit. Because, from the point of view of the outside world, I’m still “functioning” I’ve never felt the generally accepted definitions of depression really apply to me, and if I do talk about the pain I’m in I feel like I’m whingeing – my partner, in particular just doesn’t want to know, and I accept that – they’ve got their own burdens to deal with. I sometimes wonder whether people can tell this about me – the fact I am so mad and sad, but I think instead I think they just perceive me as remote, or angry, or otherwise strange or off-putting. On some days, this is one, I wish something would just come along and knock me off my perch, and solve myself for me – waking up everyday with such fatigue and hopelessness and self loathing must surely take effect eventually.

    Anyhow I apologise for this pointless drivel. I’ve tried a few things to help – physical exercise – I took up running – helped for a while, but although I’ve kept up with it, it’s lost its effect on my mood and has become just another obligation. Otherwise, I just generally try to push all of this stuff to the background. This actually does help sometimes, but I often find that even though during the day I can make myself feel “okay” I then can’t sleep, or if I do, then have awful nightmares, with angry people shouting at me, or me making some dreadful mistake which can’t be undone.

  • Tim May 22, 2017, 1:00 pm

    I have suspected that I was suffering from “depression” for the last few years, but couldn’t justify such a conclusion because I am able to function and “get through” most anything and am still a working professional. But, the “walking depression” label fits me. I was a divorced single father every since my sons were very young, and I found meaning in raising them, and enjoyed doing many activities for several years, such as martial arts, baseball coaching, and getting my art teaching degree. My boys have been out of the home for a few years now, and have their own lives and families started, and I love my new grandchildren deeply. However, I am having a very hard time with being happy or finding any meaning to my life anymore. I have before, and am again, trying to develop a true romantic connection and have a life with someone again, but I just can’t seem to truly commit myself or believe that I am worthy of it. I don’t believe that I’m in danger of a suicide simply because I couldn’t bring myself to hurt my sons or grandchildren like that, but I have thought of it before. I am looked at by everyone as this man of steel that has always came through everything without a scratch, but it just isn’t true. I find myself middle-aged, and just feel like I am (or have) missing something in life that I can’t find, and the sadness and regrets are deep inside of me. I’m not sure how to overcome this….?

  • G Salerno May 22, 2017, 11:13 pm

    I’ve been struggling with depression since my teenage years. I used to experience highs and lows feeling much better in spring in summer and at my lowest in fall. However, now it is constant. I have a pretty decent life, no good reason to feel the way I do. The truth is the only things that keep me alive are my love for my family and animals. The world is mostly a miserable place. I see the beauty in nature and being, but I just have low tolerance for destructive and disingenuous human culture. I feel like a Debbie Downer all of the time, I just can’t convince myself to play into all of this human bs all of the time and when I call it it or bring it to light it makes me look like a jerk. I’m basically just a miserable loser, but I like myself. Reading has helped. Reading realism and post modernism validated my feelings.

  • Lost May 25, 2017, 2:04 pm

    What if you know the reason for your depression but can’t do anything about it?

    • Mommy Hawkins October 7, 2017, 4:06 pm

      My husband is going through so many health issues. I am a mom of 4. I don’t have any time for me, not that I want to do anything different. My husband says mean things to me. Then I try to tell him how it makes me feel, he just flips it back on me. Its like im suppose to be mute. Not say how I fill ever. I want to leave, but I don’t want to leave him sick. This is just to much. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I can’t! Do anything right. I know my children need me, maybe they don’t. …

  • Lisa May 30, 2017, 6:27 am

    This definitely describes me. I work and take care of my responsibilities but I’m getting increasingly sad and angry about everything. I want to get away from myself

  • Nadia May 31, 2017, 9:07 am

    Im a walking depressed. Im 17 and I seem not to have a reason to be like this, but I happen to find myself not only useless, but annoying. Im about to get into university and I dont know what to choose. Im the girl with best marks in my class and I still feel like a piece of..you know. Shit. I feel like I shouldnt be here. Like nobody understands me. I just find myself crying every single day, but when I get out, it looks like anything happens. I dont know what to do anymore. Im never happy. I need motivation or my staying here wont make sense anymore.

  • Anonymous Amber May 31, 2017, 9:53 am

    So this is all new to me. I guess I’ve always been depressed and never realized it, or maybe I’m not. I feel like by saying I’m depressed, I may get accused of being ‘dramatic’ or a ‘hypochondriac’ – either way, it doesn’t change the way I feel inside. It really depends on the day for me. Some days, I wake up and I feel like I can take on the world, and the day goes smoothly. Other days, I don’t want to talk to people. I want to stay to myself, and count down until it’s time for my shift to be over and I can go home. I work in Atlanta so traffic is absolutely horrible, I catch myself sometimes getting really angry when people drive stupid, when I know I literally have no control over that. Some of my friends and family seem to think I have anger issues, but I feel like it’s much more than that. Because nobody truly knows how I feel on the inside. I’m sure there are a lot of feelings coming up from my past, my mom went to prison when I was 8 (She’s still in there, I’m 21 now). I went from home to home for a while until I ended up at my grandmas, I took care of her for a while until she got too weak (She had cancer), so I went to my great aunt and uncle who were well in their 60’s. Needless to say… that didn’t work out, so I moved in with my boyfriend. I know I sound like this terrible kid, but honestly, I’m not. I knew at a young age I wanted to change my life and break the reputation of my family. I’m the only one of my siblings who have graduated, did a year in college, and work a great job with opportunity for growth in Atlanta. But, I still feel empty inside sometimes. I used to have so much ambition but now, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I’ve gained weight(about 50 pounds), I pretty much work, go home and eat dinner, sit on the couch and binge watch tv and then go to sleep & repeat all over again. The only bit of complete happiness I have is when I’m around my boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s because I feel safe with him or what. We’ve been together for 7 years now, and he’s the only person I don’t back out of plans with. Everyone of my friends have drifted off one by one because of my isolation. & the friends I do have left, barely speak to me anymore because I always agree to plans and bail at the very last second. I always feel obligated to say yes to hangout with people, even if I don’t want to. I really don’t know why I feel the way I do, I have a great life, I have great people around me. but then again, no one around me really knows what I’m going through in my head everyday either. I’m just now coming to grips with thinking I have depression, but don’t know if I’m just being dramatic or what. All I know is sometimes I get so angry and even though I know it’s something stupid that I shouldn’t get mad about, my insides feel like they are screaming. Some days I wake up and feel like life is just another obstacle I have to get through that day, counting down until I get to go back home and curl up on my couch. The next thing is I rely on food too much, I’m emotional eater and I always have been. I guess it should have set in that sometime was wrong when I started turning to late night wine and ordering in rather than going out with my friends. I’m only 21, I have so much life to live, I just feel so helpless at this point. I don’t even know where to begin with finding help, or the process of doing so. I just want to live my life like every other normal 21 year old. I just want to be truly happy.

  • Lilly May 31, 2017, 10:20 pm

    I had always had a doubt that I have been depressed. Some days I feel motivated to do something but when I get onto the work I get bored of it already. I used to be an extrovert and was always active and loved painting and reading a lot of books. But these days when I try to Revive my old hobbies I get easily tired and lose concentration and I end up not doing anything. Many people interpret it as laziness but no one really understands the empty feeling that I get every single day. Each day passes by with this empty feeling. I am a student and currently pursuing a degree in engineering. This is the time where I am supposed to grow as an individual and do a lot of internships and participate in many events but right now everything around seems to be having negative vibes and I start to get a lot of pessimistic thoughts. I get jealous easily by those who are happier even if they are my family member. I haven’t got a single internship though I have applied in so many. When I see my frienps doing an internship or anything I feel very jealous and isolate myself. I have tried telling my mother how I really feel but she mistakes it to be laziness and quite often compares me with those who do better and that makes it even worse. It’s quite hard to get those pessimistic thoughts away but no matter how hard I try they keep coming back. So I would like someone to help me as to what I can do?

    • Debra Goudeau June 2, 2017, 9:15 am

      Show your parents an article about depression and tell them this is me. I don’t know how old you are to help more. Medication does help, or try a natural aid like Sam-E or 5 HTP they help me. I try to do everything natural, also fish oil is supposed to help some. I am trying to eat healthier and avoid processed foods. Something I still do now is look at myself in the mirror and tell my self that I am a beautiful person and believe it. My husband thinks I’m bored all the time and it drives me crazy. I do need my own time I spend a lot of time in my car going places. I hope I helped some for you.

  • Jamie June 1, 2017, 7:35 pm

    EAsier said than done than….”Change your life”….”Change your thoughts” …. try walking up a very steep mountain that never ends which equates to being a sole parent, not having ANY support, or friends around, No work no one will give you a job and no money to even leave your house. People always say, its up to you to make the changes, well I even did a degree and can’t get work. So even though I have done all I can to improve my life its the OUTSIDE forces that won’t let me catch my breath. Frankly over it all!

  • Deb June 2, 2017, 9:06 am

    I have been depressed ever since I can remember. My older brother, my cousin and I were sexually abused by our step grandfather. I was later abused by my brother. I have tried everything from pills to therapy but I still feel the same. I became a mom at 19 but relationships never were successful. I raised 2 kids on my own. I’ve attempted suicide twice, I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I think it is also a curse in my family on my fathers side. One of my cousins with 8 children had two sons that committed suicide. Her sister had a son that committed suicide. My brother died from an overdose after spending years in prison. There there is myself who has attempted twice. My blessing came after I packed up my girls and left the state to try for a better life. I said that I would give it a year there. I met my husband after a year and I feel like he saved my life. He is a very positive, proud and happy person every day positive. Sex was always a problem because of the sexual abuse I went through. I’m just lucky that my husband understands what I went through. My older daughter died at age 24 which took me into my worst depression ever. I felt very alone, lost my friends too. My husband only knew my daughter for 4 yrs so it was hard for me alone. I am in my 60’s and I’m not working anymore which has helped me a lot. I went to a grief support group for a wile, it did help a lot. Support from others who are going through the same pain as you are helps a lot. When my daughter died I had a 1 yr old granddaughter from my other daughter, it saved me. I spent a lot of time with her and it helped me so much. I now have 5 grandchildren between my husband and myself, they bring a lot of happiness. I would love to say I’m not depressed anymore but that will never happen. I wish my husband understood my depression better, he takes it personal when I have to get away for awhile.

  • Roxy June 2, 2017, 7:55 pm

    Ok so this is more like a question. I’m always pretty sad, and I don’t know why. All I wanna do is cry, but I can’t talk to others about it without crying my eyes out. But I don’t even know why im sad! Any advice?

    • chelo June 2, 2017, 10:16 pm

      i went through a similar phase last year of constant sadness.. i don’t know if its actually the same as yours but with me, what helped was talking to someone. lucky for me for me i have this 1 friend who gets that sort of things.. just talking helped me start to recognize the source of my sadness.. it was not easy and fast it was a long process of guessing, sharing and just trying figure things out.. in reality i’m really not there yet .. especially with new challenges everyday brings. and with that friend of mine being miles away from me now. but i realized that it really helped to talk.. we know that it cant be just anyone that we talk about thus things with..so if you cant find someone with with whom you can, i’m here if you want to talk

  • chelo June 2, 2017, 9:31 pm

    I have a wonderful family who i love and loves me in return. thats why i feel so bad for feeling this way..like i have no life of my own. i always fear that im leading an aimless existence. i find it hard to my connections, thats why i feel t i am not needed. that w/ the fact that im in a workplace where i feel rejected..i feel isolated and dont have much motivation to go on..it feels like i only continue because i have to.. im sorry for being so negative.. ..i just really need to say i out loud. to end this in a more positive light ill tell you of what i do everyday ..i tell myself i went through a lot of things and i made it here, the same way that ill get through this too, hopefully by then i’d be stronger and happier too.

  • And The Truth Is June 3, 2017, 6:25 pm

    And growing old all alone with no one at all to share your life with is even worse.

  • Broken June 4, 2017, 1:11 am

    I read all these comments and feel I want to reach out to all of you, then feel more sad that I know I can’t help. I have four children, all with emotional issues due to abuse and poverty, which I feel responsible for. I’m so tired of being the strong one that provides everything from food to a shoulder to cry on, I feel shallow and useless and old. How can I say to those who rely on me “Don’t bother, I don’t really care, I’m not even coping”?

  • Aviani June 6, 2017, 1:09 am

    Hey, my name is Avi and yesterday was supposed to be my day and somehow it was ruined, not by someone, but myself. I don’t feel happy but I keep on working. Everytime I talked to my friends or my family, I feel some kind of distance and it is hard to overcome. Today, I feel like I need to change my life. I was thinking, maybe things that I have been doing now is too repetitive, too boring. And that thought came again, I always wanted to be an actrees but cannot achieve it. Today, my dream get even bigger because I wanted something to change. This afternoon, I realized that, I have not smile since morning until now, I feel empty, I feel sad, constant sadness.

    I wanted to know, are all of that the sign of walking depression? If they are, how can I change? How can I be me again?

    Thank you.

  • Craig June 6, 2017, 9:46 am

    My depression is typically linked to the given failures I’m responsible for on a daily basis. I’m always trying to weather storms, but sometimes my failings pile up and I’m overwhelmed. My biggest failure is my crushing student loan debt. I fell on hard times when I was young and was unable to avoid default. Once that happened, my life as I knew it was over. My original debt is but a tiny fraction of the balance and garnishments I’ve experienced over the last quarter century. The tons of money I’ve thrown at this is a staggering amount. No end in sight. Couple that with the inability to lead a normal life (due to no money) … Meaning I’ve never had anything to offer anyone, due to this crippling nightmare of mine. I have literally nothing to offer.

  • Still Trying June 8, 2017, 10:46 am

    I’ve been in a one-year recovery program for the past 10 months. I came for debilitating depression and PTSD. After all this time, I still feel like I don’t want to exist most days. For 2 decades I have searched for relief through therapy, connection with people, eduation, relationship with God, jobs that I excel at, psychiatric medication, and finally this program. I feel like nothing will work if this enormous sacrifice hasn’t. I have no idea how to heal from the trauma that caused this, and no one has been able to provide me with answers or solutions that I haven’t already tried. It seems that I’m doomed to live until I die for the sake of the people around me that I hurt when I tried to take my life a year ago. I feel trapped in monotony and meaninglessness.

  • Cameron Montgomery-Hintz June 9, 2017, 9:22 am

    Shit. I might have this,

  • Hopeless June 9, 2017, 12:02 pm

    As I read all of the comments above I can help but want to cry. Not because I’m feeling sorry for you all ( I am.., but in a way of relatability ). I’m overwhelmed with emotions that I have to hide most of the time because when I do express “something’s not right” to family I get told, I’m looking for something to be wrong… Looking from outside in, things seem to be running ok. But inside I feel like my world could explode at any moment. I think we all think out situations are unique and that no one can relate but I’m learning that’s not the case.. Although, at times, I really could care less if anyone has the “same issues” because I don’t want to focus on your problems I want to fix mines. I also feel guilty for even saying that but I want you to hear ME and SEE what I’m going through for what it is, not talk at me because you may have overcome what you were going through and you think it’s time I do too.
    I’m military, with no children, so I should be more discipline…NOT THE CASE.. I’m all over the place!! I feel like if I just make the lists I can get it together and then I make lists about making list ( throwing in a little undiagnosed OCD ) and I don’t get to the tasks. Or I start and get easily discourage when the outcome is different than I thought it would be. On top of the fact that I have a hard time prioritizing which task is most important because their importance is ranked in different categories and are all urgent. Health, Family, Career, Spiritual, Social life. I feel guilty if I shift my focus but I can’t get anything done if I don’t and when I do I neglect other important things and then I ignore it all…where do I possibly think its going?.. Marriage.. another commitment I don’t know how to fulfill. ( that subject deserves its own dedicated post )
    I’m overweight which also makes me cringe, to think about how I got here, although I know the answer to that and then I feel worse. I think I have a problem with food and self-control and if I say anything I feel even more ashamed because the response is “get it together! you got this!, just do this or just do that…” I don’t have this. I really don’t have this! and I’m scared!! I’m truly scared that everyone is going to see me for the fraud I feel like I am. I feel like even writing this post I’m all over the place.
    I’m always unhappy. The weight plays a part..but does it? Would I really be happy if I was thin? I really can’t answer that question. I’ve been on every crash diet imaginable to stay in the military. No one really cares how you stay or get thin, just that you are thin. My body is tired and the extra weight I have now is even more stress.
    The unhappiness I think I’ve been able to mask is with the people I work with.. for the most part…I think.. but with my family I find that I’m not able to enjoy the simplest of things I can’t allow myself to be in the moment. I’m always reviewing things after the fact in my head. I feel like I cannot live up to this standard that I’m expected in my career or personal life. Or maybe it’s my own standard that I’m not living up to. At this point I’ve been feeling all of these thing for so long I can no longer distinguish where its stemming from.. I cant truly be happy for anyone. I try REALLY hard to but I find that I start punishing myself for not being able to do that too. Its driving me nuts but I don’t dare say any of this. I keep it to myself and I pretend all is well.

    I’d rather sleep all the time. But even then I’m mad at myself for wasting my life away. I find that if I didn’t have the people in my life that I do I might not be here or I’d be a recluse and no one would care. But even with the blessing of family I feel like no one really knows me, so I’m still alone. If my family can’t cheer me up they take my feelings as a personal jab to them. Then I have to make them feel better for not being able to make me feel better all while I’m still in a bad place trying my best not to show it.
    Sometimes I hate my life but I do see the great things that are in my life I just can’t seem to enjoy them and I want to. I am scared that I’m going to lose it all and never be able to recover.
    Lets not even get into the things I use to enjoy. If I think about doing any of them and something on that super long important to do list doesn’t get done. I feel like a lazy failure, because I should have been dedicating that time that I wasted, on more important tasks.
    And then I overthink everything to the point that it’s not precautionary, it becomes detrimental…and practically dictates the negative outcome. I do pray. I hear, NO I know! Prayer helps, but I also struggle and feel guilty about that. I’m supposed to be praying for others not being so selfish and praying for myself.. As write this I feel even more pathetic. I have thought about ending things, the biggest things that stops me is knowing I’m only shifting my pain on to someone else. I would never want anyone to live with any guilt over me for something they couldn’t control. I even overthought this post, will I just sound crazy, will I be judged, do I not qualify to be able to post here.. whatever that means…will anyone know who I am?
    I fear getting help because I don’t know what it will do for my career.. I don’t have PTSD from combat duty but I’m clearly struggling with something. Can I justify asking for help, or will it just make things worse if I lose my career? 17 in, 3 long years to go.. At least 10 years dealing with varying degrees of this, so why address an issue that could cause more problems.
    I am a little optimistic because I can see and feel something isn’t right, I’ll be able to fix it. I just don’t know how. Any who, it’s time to get back to work.

  • Pete June 9, 2017, 3:56 pm

    I am a 33 y/o man and find myself nodding and agreeing with this. I’ve always found a way to creatively bust through my moods but this time feels different. I have a child on the way, a great job, an amazing wife and i can’t seem to be happy. I’m irritable, Im unhappy with myself, my relationships, i have a severe brain fog, i feel detached and im trying so hard to motivate myself back to normal. I write, paint and train/exercise but can’t find the drive right now. I just want to sleep and play games and anti conventional depression medications. I have no reason to feel depressed. I need help and don’t know where to go.

  • Abby June 9, 2017, 7:31 pm

    I feel like I can relate well to a lot of the symptoms of “walking depression.” I am 21, so hard on myself and I just can’t stop. So many people say I have my whole life in front of me, but I feel as if I need to scurry to get it figured out. However, my mind and heart want me to get life figured out, but I have no energy to do so or I prevent myself from being productive. It’s like a trap. I can sleep 14 hours of the day, but really having a job is the only reason why I get up. I am always putting others first constantly and I want to be selfish and not care so much, but I do not have it in me. I can have a wonderful time hanging out with friends and family, but then once I am home, my thoughts sink in and I realize how unhappy I am due to feeling that I haven’t accomplished much. It sucks. It’s horrible, but I do not want to feel like this. I want to be happy. I know life is great and it could be so much better, but I feel like something has to give. Things in life do not fall into place because we want them to. We have to make things happen. We are the decision makers in our journey. I want to be strong and be happy, but first, I need to get out of bed. Sincerely, a lost 21 year old who is her worst enemy.

  • Brooke June 12, 2017, 8:27 pm

    Ran across this website and WOW! Thank you. As I read the web page and messages; the tears are running down my face I try to type through the blur of tears. I have always been the caretaker of everyone and never understood there was a name for how I feel every hour of every day, but have been grateful for being the caretaker to so many (I think). It is so helpful to know that there is a name for it and the name tells me there is hope. How I wish that this was something I only had and others did not suffer, until just a few moments ago I these feelings were just me. I worked in the social work field helping people pull themselves out of the welfare program, dealt with a few murders, a lot of spousal and child abuse I thought everyone was okay hearing about those things and it never affected anyone except me, I have been told I cared too much about people. Dealt with losing a mom and 4 siblings by the time I was 52 and now caring for my aging dad and yet am so very alone in all of this. Nobody has understood why I stopped taking friends calls and do not answer my front door. I now I know and it is because I don’t want to deal with anyone Now I see that that is okay to not talk to friends who want to just complain as long as I am taking care of me. My nickname is Babbblin’ Brooke or Smiling Brooke and truly feel I have so very carefully fulfilled the meanings of those nicknames and held up the responsibility to be happy in public even as late as this afternoon. I have truly been thinking of running away for awhile and not telling anyone where I was going, just time for me, but reading this I see how that would be a very short-term resolve to a much bigger issue. May the good Lord watch over all of us on this site, and again as much as I talk I am truly speechless for an answer to me! brook960@q.com

  • The Honest Truth June 13, 2017, 8:44 am

    And not having a love life makes it much Worse.

  • Tony B June 13, 2017, 9:05 pm

    Geez, “happier at night than in the morning.” Never saw it that plainly and cuttingly precise. Didn’t know such a thing existed. Feel bad to say it makes me better others have some of the same screwed up thoughts. Peace to you all, may you find it one day.

  • Vi June 15, 2017, 6:12 am

    I know I am depressed and have severe anxiety. I have Fibromyalgia and have been battling with it for at least 10 years. I can’t take medications, I have terrible side effects. no one understands, not even the doctors. i had a lot of things happen in just a few years including my sister and mom dying. and i was the one everyone counted on to be strong, to take care of everything and everyone. i always have. but at some point i feel apart and stopped doing for everyone, but then i was a terrible person who didn’t care about anyone except myself. i lost my job, i can’t get disability, i can’t get any relief. i keep pushing and hiding my pain. but i fear one of these days i will not be able to do it anymore. Biggest problem i have found is “i Don’t look sick” ive heard it oner and over. and somehow i can’t even convey how i feel. pride maybe. feeling weak if anyone knew. and then when i do try to get help, it’s always a dead end. couple weeks ago i decided to go to counseling thinking it might help, but no matter what there is always some road block for me. and please don’t tell me oh you can get help. BS. it is always some crap. so i keep plugging. everyday i wake up and my first thoughts are “something has to change” but truth is i do not have the energy to change it. i have read self help and talked to people and it’s always the same. thing positive, change your life, do this, do that…. what they don’t understand is if i had it in me to i would. i am sick of it all. and not sure why i am writing on here, just seen it and thought i would.

  • Katherine June 17, 2017, 11:36 am

    Hello everyone I’m 26 full time single mother (5yrs) with a 4 days a week job, I found this article by typing into google ‘what to do when your so sad’ I have almost no one to support me in the real world so I hoped to find some examples of others feeling the same way, maybe to remind myself that I’m not alone in this.
    I feel like everything in my life is always going wrong and then when after work in hard to get things better I feel ‘happy’ but then what feels like seconds later, all goes wrong again in some new twisted way.
    I just keep pretending that everything is okay but it’s really not, I have no friends only my daughter , I try to make friends I.e work and daughters school but I seem to just come across weird, I never seem to have the right words to say, so on the surface they appear to be friends but when there is a group of us I just get ignored.

    My relationship with my daughters father has once again gone down the potty after a 3rd attempt to make things work over the past ten years so now I’m all alone again with no hobbies , savings or anything to do to make myself even a little bit happy.

    When people talk about what they want to be doing in the future I just thing to myself all I want is to be happy, not necessarily alone but I wouldn’t mind it if I was content and I would like to go a week with out my daughter looking at me wondering if I’m okay, she may be young but I can tell she knows something Is wrong.

    Also to add insult to injury my neighbours hate me because of my daughter making noise (not too excessive ) so I get constant complaints from my landlord about it, sometimes I feel scared to walk across my creeky hallway at night as I don’t want to bother them and I feel like I’m always nagging at my daughter to be quiet when in reality she’s not doing anything wrong.

    I feel like a complete failure in everything in my life.

    Thankyou for reading this if you did and if you feel like this too know your not as alone in this as you might think.

  • CJ June 19, 2017, 4:56 am

    Hi! I’m CJ, and I’m 19 years old. It started when I was 14. I became a bit rebellious, low grades, I was unaware of the stuff I did. It still happens to this date. One day I’m fine, next day I’m not. Always forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do, but I have to.. Going to college for example and dealing with people. I’d stay home then eventually realizes it has been a week and I have missed a lot. A HS principal talked to me before, and recent was a dean in my college has talked to me twice. They all do mentioned I am depressed but I’m still, at this point, in denial. Idk what to do anymore. Break is over and I’m not happy. I have been wanting to quit college. I think of shame and stuff. I’d miss out if I don’t do anything so I must. I’m getting tired. I wanna see a doctor but I’m afraid to do so.

  • bill June 19, 2017, 9:00 pm

    Bullseye. I only drag myself through work for family. I hate myself, I curse at myself all day everyday. I have lost all and I mean all enjoyment in my life, don’t want sex, don’t want anything but to be left alone. On the outside I act like its ok even to my partner. She gets mad at me when I’m depressed even though I am highly functioning for being depressed. I’m just miserable and cant find joy in anything.

  • Reena June 21, 2017, 1:55 am

    I think this is every women’s story. Whenever i try to reduce my work pressure a feeling of guilt creeps in and at times i think i am too lazy may be. I cant really identify the thin line between selflove and selfishness. Getting up in the morning is such task for me and i get overwhelmed by the duties i have to perform as soon as get up . I want to just sit or lie down whole day and do nothing . I do things which are essential . I do go out and hang out with friends and everyone says i have a great sense of humour too but nothing gives me respite from my inner miseries . I make attempts to reinvent myself but never get there . I have everything that can be every reason for anybodys happiness but i still feel empty . There are so many things i want to share and tell . I keep overthinking , surrounded by negative and weird thoughts , feel unhappy deep down , live in my own fantacy world ( which kind of makes me happy ) , cry sometimes .Recently i have found that i get urges to let people know that i am so miserable , i dont know why. Actually i can go on and on . I think i a person who is basically a happy person who wants enjoy life to the fullest but its not just happenning . I guess thats life atleast thats what my friends tell me accept ,you never get what you expect and that leaves me even more confused .

  • Laura Birch June 21, 2017, 10:45 am

    Ive never felt so low and sad in my life. I think it stems from when i found out at 18 that my dad wasny my boilogical father. Then my mother got married to my boilogical father after it all came out. She never even spoke to me about it she just shoved it all on me. Hes never act like a dad to me and i cant stand going to her house because i cant stand the man whos my real dad. Its been 7 years since i found out and its all i think about everyday. Its hurt me so much and i hate how my mum gets on with her life like we are all happy but never once asked me how i feel about any of it. I dont see my dad who brought me up because he lives far away from me and i dont think i can take anymore of feeling like this. I have no one to talk to about any of this ! I just want to sleep or lay down all of the time. Im not giving my daughter the attention she needs because i feel i dont physically have any energy or motivation and i hate that! Her dads not really around so its all on me. I dont know what to do. Im just getting by everyday. When people ask me if im okay i just nod and say yes because no one gets what i really feel like.

  • NicOle Nelson June 23, 2017, 10:01 am

    I feel the same. I lost both of my parents in the laSt 2 years and nothing seems important now. I have so many blessings to be thankful for, but I’m stuck in this rut that nothing really matters anymore. I feel I have no time for my self.

  • Ellen June 23, 2017, 1:20 pm

    I think this was a great article. I saw what’s going on in my life in much of it. But seriously, how many people do you think can quit their job and go on a trip around the world?

  • Kyle June 24, 2017, 10:38 am

    I’ve been feeling this way for a couple months now. I felt this. Way when I was a kid but somehow stopped for a while I guess. I find no excitement in life. No value in life at all. I care about the love of my life and that’s it. People tell me there problems and I don’t care. People tell me they are doing great and I still don’t care. I want emotion. I want to feel like I have a purpose on this earth other than to just reproduce and die. People ask if I’m okay and I can’t explain what’s wrong. They will try to get me “help”. Not the good kind. I just want to be happy without drinking so much. I drank a lot last night and actually felt happy for the first time in a while. I go to work and I used to be motivated and driven. I used to care and now I don’t . I messed something up and my friend told me I failed when I missed a spot basically I replied ( I don’t care) my sgt over heard and said wow you don’t care about your job. I don’t really. I work on planes and obviously I care enough to not let people die because I messed something up. I’m still gonna do things right I just don’t care. I hate this place. All I want is to be home. I spend most of my time at home sleeping. I feel like there is no point getting out of bed most days.

  • Claris Barbin June 25, 2017, 12:19 am

    I am a high school student. I never knew i had a depression not until i have read this article.I always see things in a negative way, but i’m trying to see it in a very positive way as i can.I have been criticized by many,as i also keep looking back in the past, all the worst things that happened to me.For me, somehow i have never felt any strong support from my family… i feel like i deserve the words that my mom told me that i was pathetic and lazy due to the fact that i have never exceed her expectations from me, unlike my older sister.My mom had provided all the things that i need but she doesn’t see me as a worthy child to work hard for these things. Truthfully, i’m not that type of person who shows to someone just to prove that i’m thankful and i would work hard for all the things they have provided. I am working hard for it but i want to do it without the need for them to see (i’m just too shy to let them see it).I really feel like i’m totally a bad person and i’m having a hard time understanding all the topics in my subjects even the easiest ones.I do hate myself.I act in front of my friends like i’m too okay,that i’m happy that life seems so easy just like them but inside it’s not. I couldn’t let them know what’s really been going on with my life and i just keep going.I feel pain all the time, even the slightest mistakes i have done when i don’t really mean it, to my family it’s like worse than a crime.I have no one to talk to,nor express my pain to someone else so i’m hoping maybe you’re the only one that could help me and i would be grateful to know your reply.

  • andrea perusse June 26, 2017, 2:21 am

    yes i went through this for many many years…..i worked in a departement store in a boucher field……and since my ex husband did not want to work so i took double bites….i always wanted to study and become a doctor….but my life was sidetracked for a while ….then i god sadder and more negative but that ived did not see……..when i hurt myself so bad that i could not do anymore hard strong work…well then my life was turned upside down……emotions were flowing in by the hour…by the millions …..and there having no emotions is a lot easier than having too many…..but now at lease i know im alive and normal….

  • Andrea June 27, 2017, 5:58 am

    I am 21 years old and my responsibilities are to feed the dogs and buy fruits and vegetables. I have written songs for four years and it fills me with purpose love fire and connection. I adore my boyfriend and I know my life the way it is is a luxury. I hate myself and feel desperate when I can´t bring myself to enjoy it. When my mind is going round and round and round anxious about nothings and I feel miserable and I CAN´T MAKE IT STOP. I have been walking depressed and gotten out of it several times before. These past months I have really been at awe; what is wrong? what am I not doing? what is it that I crave and can´t spot? Reading this article and a few other ones of yours this morning I get it. I need to let go of the leash I have on my talents and passions. I know exactly what they are, when, and how to go for it. thank you for sharing this is magical. Love

  • Just somebody June 29, 2017, 12:57 am

    I was born into a family of,..interesting, people. I had severe anxiety as a toddler and I would pull out my own hair due to my sister tormenting me (for example, poking my eyes, pinching me, etc) and I’ve been noticing in the last few years how different my life is from other people at my middle school. My parents are divorced, and I don’t get the warm n fuzzies with either of them recently. I relate to many of these symptoms. I automatically get bitter and jealous of people that look happy. I’ll scroll through my Instagram feed, for example, and see people smiling with their friends, showing off their faces, whatever, and I will sometimes close Instagram crying. I see myself as a pretty worthless person that just exists. I do have a goal in life, but it’s starting to sort of fade away. Recently, I was almost suffocated by my unstable, ..relative. They took my phone away from me and pulled the “Don’t say anything for 10 minutes and you’ll get it back.” Of course, being me, I stood up for myself and yelled at them to give it back. It was extremely provoked as it was getting late and I was talking to my sister in the living room, not even loud. This person I’m talking about is my mom’s ex’s son, who’s an adult with a job. My mom, of course, just thinks I’m an angry teen who wants attention, so she got my sister, out of all people, who’s honestly pretty cruel and spoiled (+ she’s popular, rubs it in my face that she has a butt ton of “friends”) and took her to a counselor. She won’t talk to the counselor, she mostly stays on her phone the whole time as I hear. Whenever she does talk, apparently, she tells the counselor that I’m apparently immature and irresponsible, and tells the counselor about my bad habits, like misplacing things, and generally being lazy, and amplifying it times 100. I’ve asked both of my parents to get me “happy pills” but then they ask me whats wrong :I I tell them why I don’t feel quite safe with myself and they pretty much ignore me when I start talking because they just Don’t. Care. What more can i even do? Freaking cut myself and they’ll pay attention?? They didnt even notice when my sister did it for attention, I had to notice it and tell them, because she would try to show the scars to her friends semi-on purpose, like trying to act like she was hiding it but doing a really shitty job. Yes, she was blood tested and she has no deficiency, she’s okay now, at least. I don’t feel welcome where I am. I feel like I’m here by mistake and I’m supposed to just be gone by now. I was assured at an early age that I was a mistake. I sincerely need advice about what to do. I’ve asked my mom to sign me up for counselor and she tells me it’s too expensive. Thank you if you read through this entire comment, by the way. I appreciate that you care, maybe. You have a lot of endurance.

  • Payton June 29, 2017, 12:11 pm

    I’m kinda scared to put this out here but I do believe I have walking depression combined with extreme anxiety… I manage but I still feel the worst everyday and it’s worse when I have to work like today and it makes the day dreadful ya know… I’m only 16 and I don’t understand why I’m this sad in life… Sometimes I feel like giving up and I just don’t know where to turn… I’m a Christian and I know I can turn to God but it’s hard to do that because I’m afraid of judgement from other people… I usually try to be someone I’m not because of the fear of being judged… And all that sparks from anxiety… This is not the first time I’ve lied down and read this post right before work to kinda calm me down because after reading I know I’m not the only one feeling this way… A lot of my depression comes from my past though and that just makes life more difficult… I ask for some prayers that maybe I’ll find my way out of this funk… Thanks to everyone who reads this

  • zech July 3, 2017, 7:50 pm

    I think I finally realize why I am the way I am.

    I’m not sure if I can do this anymore.

  • Smiler July 4, 2017, 2:57 pm

    Been diagnosed with fibromialja, bipolar, depression, cptsd over the years. Spent ten years injecting heroin (still worked, studied and never got arrested or robbed anyone etc) and fifteen years drinking and doing drugs generally. Just to get through the day.

    I am not even 30 yet. Been ‘faking it till I make it’ for my whole life. Still faking it. Not to say I don’t know happiness or good times. Just that they’re few and v far between. For the most part, it’s been dark and lonely. Just how it is, or has been so far. Maybe it is genetic. Maybe it is having been abused and abandoned etc. Maybe it is a lack of skills. Maybe it is all of the above, or a combination of factors.

    That said, I’m still here. Still trying.

    Start of this year I lost my job (no fault of my own), lost my home with it, lost my savings. I’ve also watched 13 mates die, kicked heroin cold turkey more than once and booze too four times – nearly died twice.

    But need’s must. I’m still here so I got out there and got a new job, place to live and set up within three weeks. Before it had hit me what I’d lost, I was back working. No tears, no drama and no time to let the self pity take hold.

    Yet, I feel like I am suffocating. Even now. I have no idea how much longer I can hold on.

    I give to charity, know the homeless folk and help out whenever and however I can, work out daily and intensely three times a week, eat healthy, respect folk, smile, stay positive, earn my wage and refuse to go on sick because I’m terrified I’ll get stuck on benefits and left to rot.

    I’ve been a homeless heroin addict and I’ve been a wealthy business owner. Nothing has worked. I’ve eaten super healthy, worked out, worked and socialised for years now,. That ain’t worked either; I’m no less ‘depressed’ now than I was in the gutter. But I am at least more productive and useful being what Ia m now, so that’s what I do; can’t help myself, maybe I can help others.

    But, man, I hurt. Every smile, every breath, every day…just hurts. I live in the hope tomorrow will be different. Be better. But I get so scared, because it never has.

    I have no idea why I have always felt this way. Yes, I’ve seen bad things, and lived them (rape, murder, abandonement, homelessness, addiction, you name it), but I have seen amazing things and people. I don’t fail to see the wonder in life. And even in the gutter I felt gratitude. I’m not jealous or bitter or resentful. I love people. They’re phenomenal. I’ve never felt hate (so grateful I can say that), though I ache over some people’s suffering. I want to live. I want to feel alive. But I just feel very frightened and alone. So alone.

    I will, for as long as I can, continue to hope and to try. But I do get tired. So tired. And so lonely.

    I’m lucky to know and have known some amazing people, but when you say you’re depressed and twenty years on still just as depressed, people (understandably) get tired of hearing it. I get tired of feeling it; I empathise with their frustration. And so people move on. People need to. If I could, hell, I would.
    But when you don’t get how to make it real rather than just look real…well, they shut up and learn to smile harder or life buries them. So, I smile. And I try. And I hope. And however and whenever I die, at least I can say that much; I really did try; I’m still trying. And I will try.

    I am working tomorrow, and for the next five days. And if I can’t make a difference to my life, hell, I’ll try bring a smile to those I encounter. And keep hoping. You never know…tomorrow might be your day. Iif not, your effort might still make all the difference to someone else’s. So, even if I cannot save myself, maybe I can help some other person to save themselves. Or feel less frightened and alone and desperate.

    Hang in there, folk; people do care, and genuinely; I care – I’ve been there. I’ve always been there. And if I encounter you – I will try to help. And I will not judge you.

  • Rah July 5, 2017, 3:23 pm

    How does one really define depression? It’s hard but those feelings of unworthiness utterly lead to a negative state. Howevewr, if you look at the state of the world which by its’ very nature is chaotic then feelings of well balanced and essentially happy seem hard to achieve or even unrealistic. A therapist once said I wasn’t depressed I was unhappy but if one feels unhappy most of the time then what’s the difference?

    I used to feel very down I would go through periods of intense low moods and incredibly bad self esteem and for a while those episodes went away. At 44 the feelings are markedly less up and down but I have to say I have an even lesser feeling of meaning in my life than ever before and the feelings of being jaded are far more intense even though there are less peaks and troughs. I read some photo stories about American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan, guys and girls, many of which had been effected by PTSD and I felt a huge amount of empathy and feeling towards them. This has led me to conclude that my unstable and often very unhappy childhood has had a marked effect on the rest of my life and no matter how much I run I cannot escape.

    I am a talented musician and I take a good photo and I have a good sense of what I like but inside I feel so worthless a lot of the time. I rarely go out to try and connect with people socially unless I’m drunk and that’s bullshit anyway. So there could be a connection with anxiety there and being less reserved and more open when intoxicated. Nobody really gives a shit in a city like London anyway, the place is generally too grim for people to have enough energy to deal with their own and other peoples’ problems.

    I have a lovely girlfriend but we have had so many problems this year, mostly around marriage and children which have frankly frightened me since I have had a setback in my work and we have been under increased financial strain. I do not want to lose her but she needs me to commit. She also comes from a very unstable background so we are peas in a pod. I haven’t thought of suicide for a few years now but equally I am so fucking bored of my feelings of tedium around life. Writing this helps. Deep down I harbour a huge fucking rage against my parents for not having their shit together when I was younger, my father being an irresponsible twat and my mother a dark, alcohol nightmare.

    I’d like to be happy but it feels outside my grasp. I cannot seem to quell the negative cycle I am always in. I have so much pain inside that seems to come from nowhere. I had a therapist for years but he died. My partner has a genetic predisposition to cancer and survived five years ago but we have great difficulty in conceiving and I do not want a donor child. I fear losing her but what can I do?

    Good luck to all. Be true to yourself. Try and be kind, life is hard and often cruel.

  • Frankie July 6, 2017, 10:28 am

    Nearly every single trait describes me… I just feel like there is no way for it to end. I feel like I want to push everyone away so they aren’t infected by my sadness. It’s getting harder to get through a day of work. I just don’t have anything I want to say to anyone about anything at all… I just say “I’m fine.” “Good.” “Not bad.” shit like that but it’s a lie every time.

  • Jeremy santee July 6, 2017, 6:11 pm

    I dont know about all this stuff. I am always tired,always failing, never interested in things, always saying i hate my life, feel like i am acting when i am around others.

    I know i am a disappointment. I always have been. I ruined my mothers life at 17 by her own admittion. I am on my 2nd marriage that after 6 years is failing (imagine that) i have 3 kids that i feel are better off without me. I hate everything. I want to be alone.

  • JustHere July 7, 2017, 5:19 pm

    Jeremy, I just read what you wrote and I am familiar to what you mean. Most times after I spend time with people, I don’t feel that I was true to myself, that I was real. I look back on whatever conversations we had and beat myself up over it, asking, why did I say that? Or, I should have done this. Also, you are not a disappointment, in no way by no means. I know I sound like I’m preaching or something, but it’s true. I am sorry to say that I cannot give any advice, but I want you to know that someone is here.

    I am struggling with my own problems as of now. I am still a minor and I have recently felt like home is not where the heart is. I have younger siblings, and perhaps being the oldest is a factor in all of this, I don’t know, but if one of them gets upset with me, I always just walk up to my room, not slam, but gently close the door, then let all of my tears fall. I always had the belief that all of my family’s unhappiness is my fault. That I’m not where I’m meant to be. Has that ever happened to anyone here? I’m an adoptee, and I feel that even when I do make my parents proud, that I remind them of what could have been with the two babies that had been miscarried before my adoption. Now, I am firmly aware that I am very fortunate and privileged to be talented and smart, but I don’t feel satisfied. I know I could have done better. And I beat myself up over it. There’s always something holding me back, keeping me from finishing a book, keeping me from starting a painting, and preventing me from living.

  • Connie Porter July 7, 2017, 11:58 pm

    I’m always sad and knows it.but if you seen me a person would think that I’m a Happy person when actually I’m not.I smile big, I walk with my head held high , I speak with joy in my voice and heart ,but honestly..I’ve talked myself into Loving myself and I’m disappointed with everything about me.I’m a victim of my own self hate and I’m unable to get away cause I refuse to let ppl see that. My silent tears gives my pain away when u look in the mirror at the ugly person in it but I still pray. I hurt so bad but silently deal with it because the putter me has to be strong for my children , I don’t know how to be weak in front of others but within myself the hurt and sadness is boiling over , I feel like a failure but I know I’m not I just can’t beat the ugly hurt inside me but on the outside I can, I feel like the inner me is killing the putter me and is winning…help me before I lose this fight …

  • sv July 14, 2017, 6:28 am

    I just feel for all of us guys I am one with anxiety and depression fighting for years. Sometimes I cant go to work but I have too, Why is not there cure , why??

  • Ann July 16, 2017, 3:28 pm

    This is me. I keep feeling like there is absolutely nothing to look forward to. I do the shopping, I clean, I take care of everyone, and I can’t wait to go to bed every night. I need help.

  • tom July 17, 2017, 7:28 pm

    I been extremely sad lately – more than normal. I suffer from depression, and often think of suicide. I don’t want to live anymore. The only family I really have are my dogs. But I have trouble maintaining good upkeep for them. They could be better with someone else. I wish I could just vaporize and no one would ever know that I am gone.

  • Melly A July 18, 2017, 9:48 pm

    this is me.
    I’m broken
    So horribly broken
    But the thing is, when I’m feeling desperately sad
    I don’t want anyone around me
    And I drink
    Which makes it worse
    Idk what to do

  • Mr D July 19, 2017, 7:26 am

    Wow, this is the first time I’ve seen how I’m feeling put into words. My life for the past few years has just been putting one foot in front of the other but with a fierce sense of duty and loyalty to family, work and friends. There is very little joy happening on a daily basis and I’m so very tired all of the time. I push myself to exercise and eat well because if I don’t do these things the negative feelings amplify but I still don’t feel “happy”. I’m grateful that I found you blog post, I’m going to put some energy toward your recovery suggestions.

  • Lucy Easton July 20, 2017, 10:27 am

    I feel like this now but because of several things going on in the lives of those around me that affect me or I have to take responsibility for. It’s like my life isn’t my own

  • Me July 23, 2017, 5:48 pm

    I am going through this right now. I resonate with wah of the things you listed. It literally feels like hell every day and that I am trapped and can’t get out. I can’t focus and just feel like a prisoner in my head. I am glad to find that there are people to relate to. I feel like I’m too consumed in my depression to care about anything else which triggers more stress. I can’t get my way in to get help.

  • Anonymous July 25, 2017, 3:53 pm

    I am not depressed in every sense of the conditions described. I know I have some of them. I also know my wife has all of them. It is hard for her every day. She says she is always miserable. We have arguments and I ask for space and she feels it is her fault. It is not always her fault when I ask for space. Also, when we go to talk afterwards she feels guilt from me asking for a break from the conversation so much that it is hard for her to get over. She is struggling much more than me and I have also had my fair share of struggles. 18 years I was given biopolar meds when I had ADHD. Now I am on just ADHD meds and doing much better. My parents say I seem better now than the last 20 years. My marriage is struggling and I am hopeful for the future. I am being productive. As I became happier, my wife stays miserable. I know I am only in control of my own emotions. It is hard to see the one you love projecting her sadness on everyone else. I am not looking for the magic advice. I am also sharing my thoughts like so many on this post because it helps to know that were are not alone.

  • Andrea G Burnham July 26, 2017, 8:27 pm

    I am a single mom, ( 8 years now) I see my kids every other week. I am an LMT. I Love what I do. I love it more than myself. I now work for 3 different chiropractic clinics as well as myself. I work 6-7 days a week, gotta make ends meet. I refuse to be on welfare. My girls are 10 and 13. I sob myself to sleep every night I don’t hear back from my kids. The job I have been at the longest – I am beginning to hate all my co-workers. I have no trust for any of them.
    I used to be creative. Design, sew, draw. I have lots of essential oils and ideas for my own line of things. When I actually do let myself sit down and attempt any creativity, nothing gets done. I get up and start reorganizing. I collapse into bed exhausted, only to have my mind start racing about work, my co-workers, my children and anything that my mind feels is relevant to keep me awake….

  • Quin p July 26, 2017, 11:58 pm

    I did not know that walking depression existed before stumbling upon this article. My experience with this sort of depression has gone for at least 5 years without my realization. I thought that perhaps this is just what being adult means. And like that, I always felt lonely and helpless, even when I was not by any means anti-social. At the very end, I did not know what was fun. I would always imagine having fun, but when the time came to make the decision, I would reel back quickly because I believed that reality was not as fun at all. I scorned social gatherings and became simultaneously painfully lonely. I’d always feel tired, despite a few days of being well rested. I would stay up late into the mornings and I would not know why. I did it because I was sad. For what purpose, I still don’t know. It’s hard to feel for the future and imagine.
    I have quit everything I’ve ever had a creative passion for, and now I don’t know what to do. Perhaps its just a petty complaint, because as I’m told, I’m still young. I am at a loss of what to do or think.

  • liv July 31, 2017, 11:33 am

    I wish I was excited about anything. I remember not that long ago being sad, and still doing things like taking a walk and playing with my daughter. I remember not being afraid of taking a risk. Where did that hopeful, resillient girl go and how can I get her back?

  • Christa August 1, 2017, 12:54 am

    I’m having a clinical depression because my childhood memories aren’t so good and it changed me a lot. As time goes by and my responsibility gets bigger, I feel like I don’t progress well. I worked as a copywriter at a known agency in my town. But I don’t feel like like I’m doing great at my work. I feel like I’ve never done enough in my job. I don’t feel like I’m performing well in my job and it drives me crazy each time I have a project and I feel like I can’t do a thing about it. It also affects me in my daily life. I feel so lonely even when I’m around people. Both of my parents died and I have no brother or sister. I live alone by myself and life gets harder everyday for me. I can’t bear this feeling anymore, it’s like this depression starts to take over my life. I get so disappointed when people doesn’t meet my expectation. I get so lonely, lost in my thought each night. Crawling in my bed wishing my life would get better. But it doesn’t. I don’t have any friends to talk about it. I don’t have a family that knows about my depression. And it’s getting more harder to get out of this cycle when you there’s no one to support you.

  • PEG August 1, 2017, 2:40 pm

    I have made so many mistakes. I didn’t save for retirement and I am now 72 and still working. If I live long enough I will have nothing and will be on welfare. I have alienated my family and friends. I am lonely and alone. When I quit work which will have to be soon I will have no hope for happiness or the ability to survive financially on my own. I want to die.

  • Cheng August 1, 2017, 5:55 pm

    I am not sure if i am depressed but I’ve recently just been on holiday thinking if I go I will he alot more happier, but it turns out to be I’m not getting happier infact I went on a night out with my friend and had to leave early because I felt like i couldn’t have a good time and loads of people was watching me. I decided to leave and go back to my hotel and started bursting in tears for no reason. I am 23 year old

  • Kirsty August 4, 2017, 2:07 am

    I’m in tears reading this , ive been depressed for years feeling exactly the same ways you described in your post but in the past 3-4 years and since the birth of my daughter 2 + years ago it’s got a whole lot worse I’m really struggling everyday .
    I feel at breaking point with no one to really talk to …. thank you for your post

  • Randy Bacdi August 5, 2017, 1:07 am

    Hey there,

    As I subtly surf the web at 1:47AM about signs of depression, I stumbled across this article. I usually don’t feel the urge to speak up, comment on things, or openly give my opinion, because I often feel as though nobody really wants to listen, but I’m just going to write until I feel like stopping.

    I don’t consider myself anti-social at all, as a matter of fact, I think I am a really outgoing person (at parties, work, and around my family). However, sometimes, deep down, I catch myself being outgoing for the sake of “fitting in”. It just doesn’t feel like I’m being me at times (if that makes any sense).

    I’m still young, and I’m extremely grateful to be alive, have food on my table, and a place to live — but I just don’t feel content with anything in life. I’ve noticed that this underlying feeling has started to affect the relationships with people I love, and I’m not sure how, or why.

    I feel unmotivated to meet new people. I look forward to laying in my bed and watching a good comedy sketch on Netflix. I enjoy making music, but I never have/make time for it. I’m not living the life I want to live, because I know there is so much more to experience. I want to move out, travel out of the country, become friends with some strangers, and experience foods around the world.

    I feel as though all of the signs are there, I just can’t pinpoint what I can do to stop the depression.

    Anyhow, I’m 20 years old, working two jobs, going to school full-time, and it feels good. It feels good to know that I am “hustling” for my future. It feels good to be constantly busy.

    It doesn’t feel good to neglect my mom. It doesn’t feel good to ignore my sister. It doesn’t feel good to fall asleep at 3AM.

    I don’t really know where I’m going with this comment, but I’m hoping someone, somewhere, reads this and acknowledges how shitty of a writer I am. I think I just need new friends right now. Or someone who understands. I don’t really have much else to vent about. I’m just glad I read this article and understand that depression doesn’t have to be severe. I don’t have to be perfect. People will love me for my mistakes.

    That is all.

    • Someone Sad May 11, 2019, 6:37 am

      I read it, I felt your frustration. I think sometimes we have to let our minds go blank for a moment and listen to our hearts and take the risk of following it – what’s the worst that could happen? Sure its easier said than done and I’m preaching something that I cant practise too because I’m also sad. Meditation helps before bed. Try and sit silently and quiet your mind. It’s a very difficult thing to do but if you focus on listening to your heart beat or your breath as you breathe in and out, eventually your mind will quiet and time will stop and…. you will sleep x
      Sending much love ❤

  • John August 5, 2017, 9:40 am

    Article is not much different than an astrology reading in which 90% or more people can relate. “Walking depression” is a silly moniker which attempts to label the volatility of human emotions. I can’t imagine even one person reading this and concluding that they haven’t even a touch of “walking depression”. The author is clearly looking to sell her information product since everyone ‘needs’ it.

    Now let’s all put down the wine glasses since we’re all just a bunch of “walking depressed”!

    • JONES August 6, 2017, 3:33 pm

      There is a clinical name for what you’re describing. It’s called Persistent Depression Disorder (formerly called dysthymia). Look it up.

  • Autumn August 7, 2017, 7:49 am

    Hi… I’m young and often confused on how I feel or “what’s wrong with me”. I woke up this morning feeling sick and done.. ready for my eyes to close forever. I read this and cried instantly. I used to be severely depressed and now I’m walking depression. Im sick of being sad and empty all the time and second guessing those around me because it feels like I can’t trust anyone. Ive been neglected by family and a victim of rape (twice), molestation, physically, emotionally and verbally abused almost continuously for the past 4 & a half years. Trying hard to save myself before I can’t even feel anything anymore. I had to raise myself since 15. I’m 19. So I’m walking depression with teenage girl problems that I’m still trying to overcome lol… Thank you for this… I’ll do something with the information 🙂

  • Kelly Colbert August 7, 2017, 9:09 am

    This is me almost daily. I’m not an artist, but I definently suffer this type of depression. How do I get motivated to make a change? I feel so overwhelmed that I have fallen into existing. I don’t exercise, do enjoyable things, I just sit Day in and day out praying for life to get better. I feel so lost.

  • Lindidia August 7, 2017, 5:11 pm

    I am a creative person who has been stifled in the finance industry for too long. But there’s other things too. From my 30’s on, once I knew what was happening, I tried to control a mother who spent herself and our family into poverty. Personally I have spent way too much time in challenging marriages … now with a completely disinterested man, who can find time for others but not for me. All this has taken its toll on me over the years. I recently reunited with friends from 30 years ago and I felt that I just could not feel the joy I would normally have to rediscover them. Just went through the motions. In fact, I feel nothing right now. What I want to do is to walk away, have a clean slate but I know from the past that this is not easy and there is an ugly transition period. —– I’ve had walking depression before, it wanes and waxes and for me, turns into anger. I also watched my dad go through this, he was creative too – plus he had my mother’s spending addiction to try to manage. Action has worked for me, make changes.

  • Monique August 10, 2017, 1:35 pm

    I related to every single sentence in this text. I will start painting tomorrow, Thank you.

  • Bill August 11, 2017, 12:20 am

    I am not an artist (baring my musical ability) however, this has struck a cord with me. I am functioning ,just, but very
    unhappy.

  • christie August 14, 2017, 1:21 am

    All I know is that I wake up sad and go to bed sad.
    I know I need to change my life but I’m scared.
    I know I need to talk to someone but I just don’t want someone else to know how sad I am, I embarrassed i’m so sad.
    My partner doesn’t fully understand how sad I am, I’m not sure if he cares enough. I keep thinking about disappearing but don’t know how without hurting everyone. I just don’t want to be here anymore, I feel I have no support – no real friends/ and I feel as if my partner has had enough of me being sad.

  • Gregory dumbrique August 16, 2017, 12:05 am

    I’ve been isolating myself from friends and family for the last 5 years. i haven’t looked in the mirror in weeks. i work 16 hours a day.i made my jobs my focus so I wouldn’t focus on myself.
    I sleep a lot. i only feel the slightest joy when I drink wine and lose myself in my music,either than that nothing makes me happy.i don’t get excited or look forward to anything. not interested in sex at all. can’t make eye contact whatsoever. i wasn’t always like this. but I kinda always saw it coming/ending up like this!! it scares me to tears just thinking about it!!
    29 year old guys are not suppose to be like this

  • Gregory August 16, 2017, 12:11 am

    I’ve been isolating myself from friends and family for the last 5 years. i haven’t looked in the mirror in weeks. i work 16 hours a day.i made my jobs my focus so I wouldn’t focus on myself.
    I sleep a lot. i only feel the slightest joy when I drink wine and lose myself in my music,either than that nothing makes me happy.i don’t get excited or look forward to anything. not interested in sex at all. can’t make eye contact whatsoever. i wasn’t always like this. but I kinda always saw it coming/ending up like this!! it scares me to tears just thinking about it!!
    29 year old guys are not suppose to be like this

  • Stephen Matheis August 16, 2017, 7:51 am

    I found your article in the first page of Google’s search results for the phrase “sad all the time.”

    I didn’t know anyone else felt this similar to me.

    Reading and reading this is helping.

    I’m glad you found meaning in your life. I hope to find it too.

    Thanks for writing this.

  • Jasmin Marie Brown August 21, 2017, 1:57 pm

    This little read was truly eye opening. I didn’t really know such a thing was real. I grew up in a very “build a bridge and get over it, your tougher than that, that weird sh** doesnt happen in our family” kind of house hold. For months, maby even years I have felt every single one of these symptoms. Just recently have I realized what’s going on. I think it is time for help. I can’t carry on with this attitude for tye rest of my life, I’m only 23.

  • RAJ August 21, 2017, 11:54 pm

    Hi i am working professional, have been married for almost three years.
    Last year (2016) during feb my wife had to move to different city for work and i had to stay in the current city. Over the course to spend some time out of loneliness i started marijuana to which i am addicted now. (having it daily)
    During the course of first year i have been very strong with positive intent that wife will return or i will find job in her city. By end of 2016 my father suffered a heart attack and i had to get him operate. My parents stayed with me while my father recovered however my self despair increased with the responsibility. At start of 2017 i got a new job in current city only and my wife is unable to return. Now i am heavily depressed with bout of crying and uncontrolled anger
    which i get abruptly. its not that i haven’t tried picking up a hobby. I strtrd to learn guitar, i have video games and television but there is rarely a thing i feel intrested in. I have this inability to be happy. I tried telling my wife i am depressed however she could not get the gravity of situation i am facing. as of now i have been out of suicidal thoughts bt off late this word has been coming in my mind which i tend to wane away.
    I have generated this inability to be happy, nothing i do intrigues me or motivates me. I have this constant pang or want of something hence end up buying stuff which i rarely use.
    Am i really depressed or i am overthinking.
    Can some1 advice.

  • Renny August 26, 2017, 1:09 am

    I am on the brink of tears after reading this it describes very clearly what I feel. It’s so sad that where I come from it doesn’t make sense when you say you are depressed no one really seems to understand what you mean or how bad you really feel. So u just end up being a walking zombie no support no one to talk to. I am just stuck, I am just passing through life.

  • emma August 26, 2017, 1:45 am

    Life ?? I have 4 children 4 months 17 months 13 and 17 and there my world . youngest i nearly died having them . wish i had yes sounds selfish but i am so sad so worn out i keep going and doing everything my partner asks whats wrong i say and he says but we love you . that doesnt seem enough . i just wana sleep and not face the world

  • Anonymous August 27, 2017, 4:54 pm

    Currently got out of a 6 year relationship. I always thought this person was geniune and honest with me but he wasn’t. I feel like I am in a nightmare. Every day I feel worse. Some days I put a fake smile and make it seem like I am ok but I’m not. I am very unhappy in my life. I want to wake up and think everything is okay but it is not. I sleep more than 12 hours and I’m emotionally drained. I dont want to do anything. Don’t know how to get over this even though I have many people that love me and are here for me I feel like a failure. I want to be happy but I’m not. I feel like nothing can make me happy. Why me? I never deserved this.

  • Anonymous August 29, 2017, 5:17 am

    Not being in a relationship can make it worse as well, especially for many of us good single men looking to meet a good woman as well.

  • Jake August 30, 2017, 6:51 am

    i’ve been depressed as long as I remember. i’m 17 now. I literally cannot remember one good memory of my past. my parents used to physically abuse me, now they just mentally abuse me. i’ve moved out since I couldn’t deal with them and being unhappy there. i finally
    got out, away from my brothers, away from my horrible parents, free. i thought i would slowly become undepressed, but that didnt happen. i’ve been avoiding my parents. the people I live with are really, …. odd. nothing wrong with them. just that I have to literally be there slaves and “do this” and “do that” all the time all day long. Watch their kids, and do the dishes nonstop. if I forgot to do the dishes once I get screamed at in the bitchiest voicd possible.. anyway, i’m depressed. severly depressed. thinking about suicide every single day. all I can do to help myself is smoke and drink, and that only helps short term. its only a distraction. because the real world, the real world is messed up and you havw many priorities. i finally got a job… and it is so hard just to keep my job, with my constance mood swings, and depression. (i’m bipolar and have major depression).. everyday i cant help myself but think of how better the world would be without me, how i can die, what to do, the fastest way, etc.. but you know what. i pull my shit together, and push through all the bullshit life puts me through. I honestly can say I have no idea how i’m still alive to this day.. i’m a survivor..

    not done, annyway, everytime i see others happy i feel so alone and depressed I want to die.

    i understand I should quit smoking and drinking as they make me more depressed, but it’s so hard to quit the only things that make me happy..

    I feel like I will never find someone who will love me. i honestly havent been trying to get anyone, because i’m so awkward and i’ve never been in a real relationship. and if I do, i’m afraid ill put that person first. and if I do that and then we break ul, thats when i will literally kill myself.

    I barely have anyone. all i do is bottle in stuff. when I had a therapist I lied to him and told him I was “ok”. he believed me and thought I was bstter when inside I was dying and wanted to cry, lying to a therapists face telling them im fine when im literally not at all.

    i’m so hurt. i’m so dead inside. I have no idea when i will get better. when i’ll stop smoking and drinking, when ill start taking my meds, and when i’ll find someone..

    I have no idea what to do besides stay in bed all day and cry. when I have work to go to.. it’s so hard to function in general, idk how i still have my job..

  • Anon August 30, 2017, 1:36 pm

    I’m 13. I have so many problems, at school, and at home. I feel like I have no one to talk to. All my friends have these perfect lives- they wouldn’t understand what it’s like. I cry a lot- usually on my own. I don’t like to show other people how I feel. Am I depressed? If so, what should I do about it?

  • raven August 30, 2017, 6:26 pm

    I’m typing this as I’m sitting at the kitchen table while my roommate is less than a foot away from me coloring her mothers hair and I still can’t shake this completely emptiness and not feeling a part of anyone or anything. A little backstory-I moved across the country by myself about two years ago because I felt like I was stagnant in every aspect of my life. I started over, currently 24 and living with my co worker/best friend who I met out here (32) and her 12 year old daughter. I blame her for not motivating and resent her for being content with her life while I have no sense of who I am or what I want and yearning for something more out there when I don’t even know what that is. I feel stuck again. I am bartending and trying to focus on goals of saving up, wanting to travel.. Something to make me feel present. But everything I do is alone or even planning a trip would be solo. I feel like I am not enough for myself. I struggle to do anything but go to work. The only time I do anything with anyone is when I get off work and drink and hang out with who ever is in that place at that time. I feel this heavy weight on my chest, struggling to breathe all the time. The only time I pull myself from this funk is when I have a few drinks or when I take an adder all to get myself through long work days. I hardly sleep-I spend more time worrying and overthinking that when I fall asleep, it’s from mental exhaustion only. I am always tired, every day until I catch a second wind late at night. I think that’s mostly due to my odd hours of the bartending industry-late nights followed by early morning opening shifts or staying out after a shift ends and sleep all day till my following 4pm shift.. I know I need to make little changes first, like my diet because that plays a large part and I am constantly obsessing about that as well- I start but I never stick with it. I never stick with anything. I try to form a healthy habit but always fall short, i make excuses, I give up. Why am I like this? Why am I so envious of everyone? I want to hate myself and my life but I think it could always be worse and I should be thankful but I end up still feeling like this. I don’t speak to my family (sexual abuse related/everyone is OK with it except me and I can’t bring myself to be in their lives or let them in mine because I know that’s a major factor to all this) I am so lost, so sad, I am up and I am down, very erratic. It’s funny though. Everyone (my coworkers who I am around the most) sees me as the person that NEVER stops smiling, always willing to pick up and cover shifts, who goes above and beyond for anything they need or for the business.. I talk to much, wear my heart on my sleeve, we are all very close-but only at work. family owned business, we are are in our 20s/30s, always talking. but i can’t connect. they have their own lives, i don’t necessarily want to be in their lives like that-but want something to make me happy because they aren’t dealing with this…..depression. am i missing something?? i am now rambling, this started out well explained i feel like but now i sound whiny and like a jealous 24 year old brat child.. what is wrong with me?

  • Savanah September 5, 2017, 11:25 am

    Is it possible to be as young as I am, only 19 years of age, and suffer from walking depression? I am supposed to be so full of life but I am at a loss for energy. All my life I have been a morning person, but now I lie awake on my bed until one in the morning and sleep until ten. All my life people have had these expectations of me to go to school and be brilliant and get a well-paying job but nothing sounds right anymore. I’ve always loved to read and write, but I have stopped reading my books and I don’t write because I lack the confidence to pursue writing seriously. Instead, I lay on my bed for hours and do nothing or stare blankly at my cell phone and scroll. I lack confidence in every area… I feel like I’m not smart enough or beautiful enough or have enough charm to make good friends or go anywhere in life. I still go to work because that is the only place I can escape from my feelings, but I soon as I get in the car and drive home it all comes flooding back. It seems foolish to be wasting away my youth and selfish because I am so privileged, but I can’t seem to find the answers or the energy. Am I just a stupid girl or am I actually emotionally damaged? Somebody help please. I don’t want to live the next 80 years feeling like this.

    • sunny October 20, 2017, 6:52 pm

      I feel the same way, but apparently there’s no age that’s too young. I am 15, and everyday for the last few years has been bad for me. I don’t wake up in the morning, I don’t eat the right amount, all I do is scroll through social media and cry.

      My phone got taken away atm so I’m on my computer and idk what to do, I have nowhere to distract myself other than in the comments sections of a few random websites. I want to die too, just like most of the people here. I am verbally abused on a nearly daily basis, as well as occasional physical abuse. In fact, today my dad literally beat me up and almost killed me. He is not at home right now but when he returns I will likely have to hide.

      Anyways, like I said, age is not the factor for suicide, depression, anxiety or other mental issues. Your genetics play a small role as well, but it is mostly ur environment. If you are abused like I am its not a surprise. Some feel depressed from their job loss or marriage issues. And some feel depressed just because. There doesn’t always have to be a reason and you’re entitled to feel however you want or don’t want to feel. Not that you would want to feel depressed, but it happens and sometimes it can’t just be pushed away. I don’t know how to help you because I can’t help myself, but getting a therapist or councillor might help. Also, try to hang out with friends, and eat healthy. Get a consistent amount of sleep and exercise, and make some goals for yourself. I know this from websites that I have visited and it helps some people. Didn’t help me bc of my situation, but might help you.

      Another thing, I want to tell you that you are a person. If you think you are depressed, don’t hide it. Tell someone. I didn’t and idk where to turn now, but help yourself while you can. You can’t save yourself bc you aren’t your own superhero. You need the support of others to get through.

      Privilege, no privilege, white, black, gay, straight, trump supporter or not, depression is still depression. Don’t let yourself think that you’re fake, or that you aren’t really depressed. If you think you are, you probably are. Just focus on healing. Don’t harm yourself. If you get a broken leg you don’t walk it off, you set the bone and let it heal. Likewise, you need to straighten out your problem and let yourself calm down.

      Focus on school, friends, and try to set a purpose for yourself. Watch comedies, horror, love films, whatever makes you smile. Listen to music, dance around and be silly. Bake. Cook. Draw. Read. Do whatever will take your mind off of sadness. Brighten up your life with all the resources you have. I am younger and therefore likely to be less experienced than you. I also don’t know your exact situation. But I hope this helps, and if you are looking for someone to talk to then I will be here.

      I like listening because it makes me feel like I am doing something good. Nobody ever listened for me. So if you’re okay with the age gap and still want to talk, you can reply to this comment. I will get back to you, sooner or later.

  • Karen September 8, 2017, 4:40 am

    Thank you so much for voicing what my major concern is. I try to do everything for everyone, but am battling to try to do caring, kind things for myself. I will follow your advice, and find time to be creative, as well as get out there more.

  • Nat September 9, 2017, 2:53 am

    I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t particularly have many friends and my sister is preoccupied with her own family and young children. I hate my job but I need the money. I don’t have the courage to try and look for another job because I worry I won’t fit in in a new place or that I will struggle to learn anything new. I look forward to the weekend but never do any of the things I’d like to. I don’t even know what it is I would like to do. When I lie in bed at night my head pounds and it’s like I have this build up on my brain of thoughts I can’t get rid of. When I lie there I think if I just had a gun and could shoot, the pain would go away and I wouldn’t have to think of things to make me happy anymore. I worry that I will die or that I’m ill and don’t know. If I could end it myself I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. My mum died 4 years ago and life was ok when she was here but now I don’t know what I should be doing.

  • Natalir September 9, 2017, 4:51 pm

    I have walking depression. But sometimes it is very evident; I have crying episodes on a regular basis. I have a low-wage job that I can’t stand; but have been hesitant about leaving for financial reasons. I realize now I might have to just leave the job. I have lived my life to please others and it hadn’t worked; now sone is f these people still do t talk to me and have abandoned me after they tried to control me. I have struggled in all areas of my life. Most of the time I can’t stand myself. I gave a fear of being my true self for fear of being rejected, so I pretend to be someone else. I’m a mess. I constantly worry that something is going to go wrong, even when things are ok. I have all but given up on my dreams, because of hard times, and not having the money or resources to pursue my dreams. I fear close, intimate relationships, because that would make me vulnerable, and what if they reject me? I have learned to be myself causes heartache and isolation and rejection, but in doing so has further alienated some of the same people who are close to me that I’m trying to “win”, when I should have their unconditional love. I don’t know how to break free, but I suppose any movement forward would be a good one. Thank you for taking the time to read.
    Depressed all my life.

  • Cindy September 9, 2017, 5:09 pm

    I’m soo depressed. I’m 54 years old, and wish the Lord would call me home today,preferably tonight,in my sleep. There’s too much going on in my dysfunctional life to even mention. I have adult children who don’t speak to me, one just gave birth to a baby boy. I’m not allowed to meet him. His mom is a meth user,he was born premature,ugh. I can’t go any further with my words. The pain is too great. I need to seek a therapist. My husband has no clue. I fear sharing with him as it seems he uses my honesty against me. Like I’m damaged goods. I just would rather sleep all day n night,not eat, or work. But,I do work, I don’t eat much, I just am sick of life on this Earth. It’s mundane,drudgery, and I find no joy,in anything. Sorry to be such a bummer.

  • Truong September 9, 2017, 11:07 pm

    I have walking depression. I use to have party and friends over to eat every weekend and enjoy myself with my family, I got a full time job a house and a nice car ,but now for the past few years I had hit rock bottom, now I don’t find anything that makes me happy no more, everyday when I drive to work it takes 50 to 1hr to get to work and always thinking what would happen if I speed up and go head to head with truck, but the only thing that makes me stop it is my wife and 2 kids but they are scared of me blowing up with no reason. The only thing that’s stops me from thinking and getting angry is a joint, it chill me out and I’m happy as I can be, my kid would come out of there room once they see me happy, I don’t want it to be like that I want them to see me as a good father not a angry 1 with problems. Have to stop my smoking joints as financial problems. I don’t know what to do now it’s getting worse.

  • Fedup me September 10, 2017, 8:41 am

    So helpful reading thro these comments just 2 know u rent alone wi ur down feelings I shud b grateful I’m getting on so many young 1s struggling but this downness i so so hard

  • Ella September 10, 2017, 10:03 am

    I am this person. I have been this person for most of my life.

    I know struggling writers and those who’ve been published. I feel this gravitational pull, the ‘message’ and award you receive when you pass the finishing line of becoming a ‘published author’ which sounds like a mosquito that never stops buzzing or a thorn that can’t be pulled out of the ankle.

    It’s a clear message, perhaps defined by capitalism – if you’re a published author you’ve made it. If you’re unpublished, you haven’t made it. You’re unsuccessful.

    This constant comparison with others’ success and the resulting dreary reflection back to oneself hurts. How can it not? I often wonder how many other people feel this too.

  • Kate September 10, 2017, 7:44 pm

    I don’t know how to get myself out of my walking depression. I once had dreams and goals for myself but I’ve found myself trapped in the exact opposite of the life I wanted to live. Changing my life would mean leaving my husband and son which would make me a terrible person and I refuse to do that. But staying means further wasting my youth and establishing more bitterness and resentment deep in my heart. Nothing brings me joy anymore, not even my creative work. I think of suicide often, but again, not selfish enough to do that. I don’t know what to do.

  • April Litvik September 11, 2017, 5:50 pm

    Thankfully I happened upon this article while I was researching things about how I’ve been feeling.. I have felt such guilt over my significant walking depression.. I never have called it that prior to reading this but it’s actually a fairly apt descriptor. Anyhow, I have so many creative things I long to do but I can barely muster the where withal to shower.. So again the guilt pops up and the endless cycle of shame, guilt & yet more depression gets to spinning.. I’ve always prided myself upon the fact that I’ve always been the type to know when is when.. Like when my depression is “significant” enough to warrant me finally going to someone and starting and sticking to medication although I’ll admit that with meds have come some monster headaches and sometimes that alone has pushed me garter from seeking treatment and help when I should have.. So, I will be contacting my therapist in the morning and hopefully since I have this article to help me relate a bit more in depth how I’m feeling, I will be on the road to skipping with normality rather than this sham bling walking bout if depression.. Thank you so much for such an insightful article.

  • Sara September 12, 2017, 9:02 am

    Thank you for writing this article. I was researching depression and loneliness for some sort of justification to feel the way I feel when there is no true reason to feel this way. I am a 19 year old college student with an amazing family, and although they are few in number, the friends I have are good ones. I don’t truly understand but I feel as if there’s something missing from my life. It could have something to do with how I love to read and write and haven’t done much of either in the past few months. I’ve been smoking weed far too much this past summer, and I think subconsciously (or maybe consciously but I just didn’t want to admit it) I’ve been shoving these anxious and depressed feelings down. My loneliness is made worse because I see the people around me and all of their friends, living their lives and doing something meaningful with it. I relate to almost everything in the article, especially when it said that you might feel as if you’re wasting your life. That’s precisely how I’ve been feeling. I’ve always been shy and an introvert, but recently being this way is causing me to feel so much self-hatred, and a lot of my friends, at least in my mind, seem to be moving on from me and making new relationships. I just feel stagnant. I’ve also never had a boyfriend and it makes me feel so ashamed and sad. I did have a therapist for awhile, but I’ve never told her any of these feelings for some reason. I guess since I haven’t had anything traumatic happen in my life there seemed no reason to say I feel sad and lonely a lot. I just feel dumb and guilty, exactly as it said in the article, for feeling this way. I just want to form connections and make something of myself, but I feel too scared, too weak, and too stupid to do anything. Sometimes I feel confident and happy and sometimes I feel like I’m the dirt beneath people’s feet. It’s hard too deal with my emotions sometimes and I’ll admit that I have tried to control it using caffeine and weed. But I don’t even know if making more friends or having a boyfriend, or even accomplishing my dream of publishing a fantasy novel will help me. I just don’t know.

  • Anonymous September 18, 2017, 11:41 am

    Hi, I am a 17 year old living in South Africa, and everything you mentioned in this post rings true to me. I want to become a film director and producer when I am older, and my parents absolutely cannot stand it. Because of this, I have been pulled into a corner where I cannot practice what I love doing because my mom and dad would rather I become an accountant or an economist. I feel like I don’t have control over my own life. I’ve wanted to start a YouTube channel for years now, but the fear of my parents completely stopping me from putting real time and effort into it has stopped me from doing so. I can’t even buy a camera cause my parents won’t willingly pay for one, and you can’t get a job until your 18 here.

    I want to study in America for university. That way, I can get away from my parents hold on me and do whatever I want. I am trying to get as far away from them as possible. I’m sorry, this is more of a rant than anything else, but I really had to get this off of my chest. It has honestly been weighing me down for years.

  • Jicket September 21, 2017, 4:34 am

    I just read this article and felt that it was spot on..
    I have really nothing to be depressed about, there are so much going on around me that is positive.
    The thing is i cant enjoy anything.
    I dont want to be anywhere
    I dont want to do anything
    I dont want to meet anyone
    I dont look forward to anything
    I cant enjoy anything that i used to enjoy doing
    My body is too heavy but i move on, i follow my daily routines, i go to work, i see friends, i visit my family even tho everything makes me anxious. Being home alone and doing nothing makes me anxious and depressed aswell.. whats wrong?.. this has to stop but i dont know why.. it all started when i saw my ex girlfriend moved on with another guy 3 months after i broke up with her because i thought i didnt love her..
    I want to be able to move on and be happy for her.. but the thought of her not in my life sends cold shivers down my spine..

  • Dylan September 22, 2017, 1:49 pm

    I often take into consideration the truth of my situation, I lost, and was left by someone I deeply loved. The truth of that situation is that there are much worse things to experience and go through, but let me explain. I felt like this individual was worth sharing my experience with, growing through life’s lessons together, and we did just that. We traveled across our island, I was there when she had her nose surgery, we were a team. The battle we as a couple experienced was within her trust issues and my abandonment issues, we often would fight over mediocre excuses, such as her not being able to believe that she was the only person I cared for, which played into my abandonment issues of not being loved properly, it became toxic although I wanted to fix everything and allow her to see what worth I had in our bond together. We opted into moving to two different places while taking counselling for these trust and abandonment issues, after we started working on them she was to move back in at the new place I was at. Soon after her first session she started to act really distant, she avoided me and blocked me on social media and as I sat at home clueless to think that she would ever give up on our connection and was truly strong enough to fight through the toughest points, I had found out she was going to bars getting drunk with strange men and had met up with me in secret sharing our love for each other but something was off… three days later she left for america to be with a guy she had met on tinder where she had been talking to for a month while keeping me in the dark. I cannot explain what it feels like. I understand many things now but it never became easy to accept. she ghosted me a term that apparently means when they just stop talking to you and interacting with you and end up with someone else… Now understand that we had planned to get married and have children when most would state your lucky it happened now instead of then. but the depression that im conflicted with is the fact that I have never loved something so much just to silently watch them move on. Dont get me wrong im very happy she found someone, im trying my hardest to be mature, but the miserable feeling I have I cant even properly explain. The memories I cherish yet they tear at me to the point where I will find myself lying on the floor watching the ceiling fan as my face lay still numb and expressionless spilling tears for hours. I found an immature escapism in alcohol which I hadnt had a sip for over 5 years. My family is worried for me and my friends know only what I show them. When I had initially been struck with the realization of what she was doing I succeeded in failing in the attempt to take my own life. The lowest low I had and since then have not come close to ever doing that again. But I feel like the walking dead. I function I work I pay bills I feed myself there are points of simulated happiness where life seems bearable but as soon as they come they fall as well, luckily I understand emotions to be chemicals although it does not change how it feels, it does give me strength to fight through the lows. its only been a month or two since everything happened but I am doing everything for myself now trying to be happy but they say guys give a piece of themselves to those they love when its over they never end up being the same and it can take forever to be themselves again, where women move on much quicker and easier which iv noticed. I just have one question… How does one get over the crippling feeling of loving someone even through their horrible decisions when they were everything to me but it wasn’t the same for them… it kills.

  • Amanda September 23, 2017, 7:36 pm

    I am among the walking depressed. I wake up crying or wanting to cry most days and feel better at night… with wine or with coffee. I run a foundation that is in constant flux with money and make sure everyone else gets paid (credit cards, contractors, program directors) before I do which means I rarely get paid for all the hard work I do. My father has cancer and will most likely be dying anywhere between 2 months and 2 years. I have no idea how I feel about that. I google shit like “I hate being a mom” and “why does everyone end up hating me” and “am I depressed?” – Yeah. Probably. I want to write and feel alive but instead, I feel like I’m just burning up days and giving over to binge eating and going through the motions. After years of battling PMDD and postpartum depression, I feel pathetic for even entertaining that I may be depressed on any level. Look at all I have. I should be grateful. Instead, I feel sick and sad and exhausted ALL. THE. TIME. I am a huge fucking bummer. I want a new life.

    • Rah October 2, 2017, 12:40 pm

      It’s hard to put into the enormous apathy I have towards the human race right now and even some people close to me. I am under pressure to produce a child but cannot see the point as he or she will unlikely get to see the rainforest or a big cat unless it’s in a fucking zoo. The feeling of total exhaustion that comes over me on a daily basis is somewhat overwhelming. I do all the right things, I run, watch my drinking, eat well, participate in things that garruntee will at least put a smile on my face but in general society, not nature, bores the living shit out of me and short of going to live in the wild I’m not sure how to keep on going with any semblance of sociability. My partner tells me I have a good life and I have been smart enough to engineer this for myself but I still have very little motivation outside myself whatsoever. Also I have become incredibly intolerant of people and in general hugely misanthropic to the point that I even surprise myself. I could choose to live outside a city again but I would miss out on a lot of stuff that keeps me going and seems worth striving for, music, creativity etc. I see the human race as a giant failure, a worthless species and in many ways think it’ll be a good thing when we’re all wiped out. I’m just so fucking tired all the time and I hardly even work right now. ‘have a great day; yeah right

  • DW September 24, 2017, 7:57 am

    I have MS and my wife thinks it’s the source of my newly discovered depression. I’m sad deep down, but you’d never know it. And I have no, zero motivation to do anything. I can’t get things done around the house, my guitar and drums have sat down the basement idle for years, I can’t empty the dishwasher, do my laundry, etc.

    I’m on Citalopram for anxiety which has helped for years, but now need something I guess for the depression. If I didn’t have a wife and kids…

    My job is a huge problem too, but it’s not like I can just quit. This sucks! I know drinking isn’t the answer, but it’s crossed my mind to at least escape this once in a while. Please pray for me friends as I know I am not alone and will be praying for you too.

  • William September 26, 2017, 12:11 am

    I don’t know why i’m leaving a comment, I guess i’ve become desperate. I’ve been experiencing what ever it is i’m going through for the past 9 months to a year. basically every “symptom” stated above, I have. it all started around a heartbreak and has extended even further. It’s always off and on and I always tell myself I can beat it myself. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I feel it’s not valid to be a burden to others because I don’t really know why I feel this way. this is all so hard to put into words right now because this is one of those moments where I just want to cry and ball my eyes out for different reasons weather it be feeling alone or useless or feeling like my life isn’t going anywhere. I’m 18 I had just recently quit my job of 2 to 3 years because it was getting hard to work there anymore because of a past relationship with a coworker. I’ve tried to date but I just can’t. I’ve tried to call up to schedule therapy but for some reason I can’t so when they call me back I don’t answer. I think suicide is selfish and morally wrong yet I find myself thinking about it a few times a week if not more. I mustered up the will to tell my mother I need therapy when it got really bad and we were going to talk about it the next day but she forgot and I can’t will it up again. she’s not a mean person in any sense of the word I just think she forgot. I don’t want my parents to think they are failures because I don’t want to be alive anymore for such little shit compared to others anyway. which is also odd because I believe when you die there is nothing after. that’s it. you don’t exist. death terrifies me and yet here I am having thoughts about ending it. I have so many friends and family that I could talk to but I can’t. If I try to bring it up it just hurts it feels so painful and I feel like I want to cry. I don’t know what to do. please help I just want to find the center of my problems and fix it so I don’t feel empty anymore

  • Marge September 26, 2017, 9:07 am

    Hi so I ended up in this thread cause Im experiencing random breakdowns for a long time now and it mostly last for one whole night crying for hours feeling sad and alone and I have no idea what triggered it. But this episodes led to me staying up all night reading cause I noticed that it seem to be my “coping mechanism” because f I dont read I overthink a lot of things. Thats why until now I read myself to sleep. . Am I really walking depressed? Because after this episode I feel fine the next day.

  • Ashley October 1, 2017, 5:13 am

    I just want to feel loved as much as I love. I want my boyfriend to commit to me, I’m tired of waiting to get married. If he doesn’t propose in the next 2 years I’ll probably just marry the first guy who will. I’m tired of not being worth it, I’m tired of watching young people get married while I’m getting old. I want to feel important and good enough. When he says he isn’t ready to get married I want to kill myself.

  • The Truth October 2, 2017, 11:42 am

    Well there are a lot of women nowadays that always look depressed and sad all the time which it is very possible that the great majority of these women have a very severe mental problem to begin with.

  • Taylor, 13 October 3, 2017, 10:08 pm

    I want to tell a little about myself to you so you can determine whether or not. I’ve had this feeling for 3 years now and I think it’s slowly getting worse. Usually I would hide and no one would notice whether or not I wanted to break down or scream or even grab the boxcutter next to me. But recently my feelings has become noticeably to me and even my friends. I am more quiet and less sociable and now I am more times faking a laugh or a smile just so they can be reassured.

    I have been thinking it was a phase because I was going through puberty and blamed that. But I am thinking it was a form of denial now. And I use my creativity to keep me from actually breaking down even more over these years. I think I do because of the fact that these symptoms are all true in some way, shape, or form. I isolated myself from my family in my room and friends. I get angry at them for just talking to me and I know it’s a problem. I’m scared I might lose everything because of how I’m acting.

    Plus, I have no reason to feel like this. I’ve never been raped or abused. And bullying usually ended in me taking the pent up feelings and using to tell that person to f*ck off. I just feel like this, my life, isn’t worth it and want to give up so bad that my break downs hurt more recently. They hit hime harder than before. I think I need help. IDK

    • sunny October 20, 2017, 6:22 pm

      Honestly, this is the most relatable thing I have read yet. I am a 15 year old female, and I have faced abuse from my father, but even before that I was pretty much done with life. I just want an end. Idk how to help you and I can’t just BS this to give u an answer, mostly because I can’t even help myself, but if you need to talk then just keep hitting reply on this, I will too.

  • Chris Norman October 7, 2017, 2:16 am

    I feel i have all the classic symptoms of walking depression. My job is stressful and hampers my bodyclock eating through most of my time due to shifts. It pays well so its hard to give it up when you have debts. Then when i have time off this is spent with my kids. I feel unhappy, lost and resentful that shiftwork and debt has cost me my marriage and has made feel lonely, unhappy and sometimes resentful and jealous towards others who seem more happy and content. I am living in denial for the sake of my kids yet all is not well beneath the surface.

  • Lainie October 10, 2017, 8:52 am

    I don’t know we’re to start, but I have tried to get support around me. But it seems destined to fail because every time, every single time I have talked to my mom about it, she guilt trips me. And it just makes it worse, she’ll start say things like ” What Did I Not give you a good like!!” Or “Is Your life so horrible!!” And I just at a lost at what to do because when I point out her behavior we get into a screaming match and I have to apologize about it later. I mean I’m not sure I have this I’ve never been diagnosed with anything mental related but all I know is I’m sad. I’m just sad, and tired. And honestly i always thing oh maybe it’s just teenage angst but think back when I was younger, and I always had this looming cloud of sadness over me, but I tried ignoring it and act like everyone else. But the ignorance is thinning and I’ve begun realizing the cloud that stays put on my head. I can’t see the sun, and I don’t know if I ever did. I can’t really bring myself to get excited for my up coming birthday either it seems that’s the case for my last few birthdays. But I just felt maybe I can comment on here. It’d be a safe place I suppose. But if anyone read this Thank You, and have a good day.

  • D October 11, 2017, 2:43 am

    I have been feeling extremely low and unhappy for the last month or so. I have experienced my 1st anxiety attack a month ago and ever since everything seems to be going downhill. It triggered all sorts of problems – I am nauseous on a daily basis, I feel like crying all the time, I get startled by noises quite easily. I have never experienced this before and I absolutely hate it.
    I don’t share this with anyone as they would not understand and the worst thing is that when I think about why I am so depressed, there is no reason:
    I am in a long term happy relationship with a man that adores me, I worked hard and I have the career that I have always wanted and my family is happy and content. I guess the only thing is that I feel everyone relies on me and wants something from me and I feel like I cannot breath. I do not want to let anyone down…..don’t know what to do anymore, I am stuck. I am frustrated that I don’t understand my own body and mind and why it works this way—-I have always been the strong one and now it feels like my body and mind are shutting down on me.

  • anonymous October 14, 2017, 8:18 pm

    After reading this article I realized that my anxiety may not be the only thing I struggle with. I have always had feelings of worthlessness especially during middle school years. I faked it until I made it. I pretended to be one of the populars I was popular but I wasnt happy with myself or anything. I was bullied a lot and harassed some too. But if that was so long ago why am I still feeling the pain of it

  • Don't know what to do October 15, 2017, 7:20 pm

    2 years ago my dad lost his job so he has been jobless for 2 years. Before that I couldn’t find a problem with my life. I was bullied then yet I was still one of the happiest people you would have met. I always had a reason to be happy. But now I don’t. Life isn’t that bad. We struggle we sell things like baked goods to get by. We don’t look poor but we are. Some nights I cry myself to sleep because I am still bullied but I can’t seem to find the good in anything. Things that I used to enjoy I don’t really.
    I’m a swimmer something I used to love so much now its just a way to keep my mind off of how sad and dead I really feel on the inside. I mostly keep to myself but the friends I do have don’t understand they haven’t ever been bullied and there all rich. So I don’t want to go to them with my problems. I don’t want to go to my parents because then they give me crap about how other people have it harder and I know others do but I’m really struggling.
    My parents fight a lot with each other too and watching them do it makes me hurt inside even more I wish I had the courage to speak up and say stop but I stand there frozen in fear not knowing what to do. So I break down.
    I fake it. I hang out with the popular people at school and pretend to be rich. I flirt and talk to boys and have boyfriends but it all feels fake because I’m lying to myself and everyone around me about how I really feel.
    What should I do speak up or stay down and don’t do anything.

    -Don’t know what to do

  • sunny October 20, 2017, 6:18 pm

    Please prepare yourself for a long paragraph.
    I am 15 years old(in grade 10 at school) so probably the youngest here… I am in a higher middle class, Asian home, with proper education and much support from friends and family. I used to have hobbies, I had the perfect body until I gained weight recently, and although I don’t find myself particularly attractive some boys have had interest in me before. But lately, I have been feeling quite horrible. I know I haven’t been struggling nearly as much as others, so I don’t want to say I’m depressed but I have been having all of the symptoms of it and my friend pointed out that I looked and acted depressed.

    I used to be the best student in all of my classes but I am nearly failing my gr.11 Functions class, struggling with a 74 in English, and a bare 80 in Science. Most of my other classes are above 90, but they are insignificant to my father. Being stressed, I just want to escape it all and sleep. I hope to fall in a coma, so I never have to wake up to my father yelling or hurting me again. I keep having arguments with my abusive father and I either stress eat or don’t eat at all for days, and I never have a normal amount of sleep or exercise. I can go for days without either, or, like today, sleep for the entire day minus the time used to argue with my father and be kicked out of the house(literally. I snook back in after a few hours of driving around town with my mom, who was amazing and helped me calm down). My dad calls me a fat, stupid loser(I’m not technically fat, I have the right muscle and still fit within the average fat mass for my height) and in return I yell at him for being a terrible father.

    I can’t move out yet and I want to kill myself except I have a sister, brother and mom who I can’t bear to hurt. But I want to die so badly, and I have nobody to turn to. I can’t tell my mom bc she would be horrified. She once had depression and she’s okay now but I can’t do that to her. My sister confessed mental issues to me once and I helped her and now she’s in uni but I can’t tell her either bc that’s gonna stress her out and shes already stressed enough from school. My brother and I argue a lot plus he wouldn’t understand bc my brother is my dad’s fav child and has the happiest life I can imagine. If he gets angry in the slightest my mom will comfort him and my dad will treat him like a king.

    Anyways, I have nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. I don’t know why my dad hates me. I don’t believe he’s not sexist, he treats my mom well and is still somewhat decent to my older sister. But he never had proper parents either, and he uses it as an excuse for being a terrible dad. I wonder, does not being played with as a child correlate with being abusive to a depressed daughter? Why? Is that even fair?

    I have tried to be happy and do my best but I can’t anymore. I want to die as soon as possible. I have chickened out of overdosing, cutting myself and hanging myself because I am young and don’t know what would happen after. I am afraid of circumstances and situations that would follow. I don’t want to leave a bad name for myself or my mom, and I don’t want to hurt the many friends I used to be close with, even though I have isolated myself somewhat and therefore have stopped being relevant to them. I feel like a bad person but I can’t do anything about it.

    My head always hurts, I am always fainting or being sick, I have dark circles and aches, and I feel nauseous and exhausted even after a good meal and lots of sleep. I procrastinate on homework and don’t focus well in class. My face is swollen and bloated from excess/lack of sleeping and eating, and excess crying.

    My teachers have mostly said I am doing alright in school, but my dad says I am stupid because my average did not exceed 90 percent. I had an 88 last year and this year it is an 80, because of my failing math mark. I used to easily get grades to make my father accept me as a daughter, but now that I have become a mess he couldn’t care less. He says I will end up homeless, and that even McDonalds won’t hire a mentally challenged freak like me. He hits me and yells and pours ice water on my head to wake me up. He has no mercy when he hits me, and I want to be brave but all I can do is cry. I want to call the cops and have him arrested but he needs to be there to financially support my family. I don’t care about myself much anymore but I can’t have my family ripped apart because I am being carelessly emotional over everything; maybe he is right, I guess I am a stupid freak. But I hate his guts and I will for as long as I live. Sometimes he buys me things to “apologize” and when I say I don’t forgive him he slaps me and calls me names until I claim that I “forgive” him. I can’t imagine being satisfied after forcing someone for forgiveness. That in itself is not forgiveness, it is forced submission.

    I am all over the map in explaining myself, so I apologize if this is unclear, but I don’t need people to understand nearly as much as I need people to listen or even just have somewhere to write this all down. I hate my life. That is the best summary I can come up with. I want to punch my dad’s face and tell him I want to die and that if I do then I am looking to drag him along with me to hell so he can suffer too. I don’t even want to call him dad. I am disgusted to be related to and descending(genetically) from him. I want to puke when I see his large, heavy figure.

    Nobody in my family is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, because we are a “Christian” family. Some Christians we are. But because of our religion I can safely say that his acts are not influenced, it is all purely his own evil. So why, if we succumb to the rule of not being abusive towards substances, are we abusive to each other? Is that not also a law of God, to be loving to each other? Well, I’m going to hell, if it does exist.

    I lost my belief in God when I first started being abused and started losing a will to live. And I’m not afraid of hell. Fire everywhere. Kinda comforting, like a Christmas chimney filled with chestnuts, or a warm sauna, except it will be “painful”. I want to feel pain. I have been numb and tired and felt useless for too long. Maybe a jolt of pain will wake me. Maybe dying will make me feel more alive. Who knows, besides, I have already experienced my own hell. I might have built up an immunity to it.

    Honestly, this all reads as dramatic, doesn’t it? I sound like an author describing the mood swings and sarcasm of the typical teenage girl with severe PMS. Call me fake if you want. I feel fake for putting up with my dad and pretending I am alright. I could have a severe mental problem maybe. Maybe I am psychotic. Maybe I have severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, or a cocktail of about a million diseases that affect my mental state. Please, give me a label. Then I can at least have others to relate to. I feel alone and need help. I have never asked for help before, but I wanted to say it here because nobody here knows me and there is therefore no biased opinion. Some people will think I am a worthless, attention-seeker like my father does, but some of you might understand. If you understand me, please, help me. I don’t need a new best friend to stay up all night talking to, and I don’t need anyone to call the cops for me. I will learn to be alright. But I just need someone to talk to for a bit while I get better.

    If you actually read all of this and are willing to help, please let me know.
    None of this is for me. I need to get better because of my mom. Please help me.Thanks.

  • Andrew October 24, 2017, 6:19 pm

    So I am pretty much putting this out here kinda asking for help. I just came to realize I am super depressed in my life. I honestly never think about suicide. I’m scared to die. I just feel like I’m not good enough for anyone or anything in my life. I’m stuck in this cycle of wake up, go to work, come home eat and go back to sleep. I never have money to do anything fun with my family. I want to be worth a darn.

  • Stevie October 30, 2017, 8:42 pm

    I haven’t spoken about my depression in over two years since I told my parents how badly I have it. This was just before my high school graduation. I told them I wanted to die. They responded by yelling at me. They thought I was fibbing or just being dramatic. They apologized later and asked if I would like a therapist, to which I said yes. But they never brought the matter up again. If even my parents don’t believe me, who would? Who can I confide in? After graduation, I didn’t feel the need to stay connected to any of my friends, so I have no one to talk to. I’m tired of being lonely and sad and feeling so pointless. I admit that I still want to be dead and the reason I never did off myself was because I know God has a plan for me. I’m still here today, so there has to be a reason. But I’m tired of waiting for a miracle that isn’t coming. What should I do?

  • Irrelevant October 31, 2017, 12:08 pm

    I’m so sick of everything. Anything important to me in my life has crumbled around me or left me. I don’t really matter to anyone and I have no relevance.

  • joe g November 6, 2017, 8:43 am

    Hey, I’m Sad. its been a long time, i hurt.
    i don’t know how to get to be ok,
    it sucks. Life sucks, its so hard to even do anything,
    i keep doing my own martial arts practice because i want to fight myself out of this state.
    but I’m only becoming more emotionally tired, i sleep during the day when i can, i hate my job and my work, i can’t talk to anybody.
    but it was somehow nice to read this page,
    i like how negative self loathing is pleasurable in a shitty state, makes sense.
    anyways thanks. fuck me. (wants to cry but is somehow unable to)

  • tired of life November 12, 2017, 2:04 pm

    life just keeps getting worse. 3 years ago my dad lost his job. before that we moved to this crappy area. im bullied alot. im fast. i swim. i sing. and i play basketball. troyouts were this past week i didnt make it no big deal i have only been playing my whole life and im tall fast and i dont back talk. nope she picks the slow people who talk back and are no good at all. all my friends dropped me so ive been floating around in the land that is middle school full of fake people and brats. someone spread the word bout who i like and now it is everywhere and im almost 100 percent sure he could never like me. i hate life so bad i lost my bsf we talk but my ld bsf always cmes along and takes her so i have given up on friends soon i think i might aff some more black to my wardrobe just to get at my mom who hates me.

  • Alison Snyder November 13, 2017, 9:27 am

    I have been feeling upset lately and I almost want to kill myself. School is going terrible for me. I want a boy or girl friend but I think I’m to ugly and that know one deserves me…I would say more but I don’t want to cause I bet no one would really care…

  • Michelle November 13, 2017, 8:15 pm

    Try having a family member go to prison while you take care of everything on the outside. Try having that family member go back to jail because he makes stupid mistakes partly due to head injuries and illness. Try nightly phone calks, attorney fees, and the utter pit in your stomach that never goes away. Try hiding that from everyone. That’s walking depression and I have lived it for 9 years.

  • Jennifer Lopez November 15, 2017, 10:27 pm

    I don’t even know where to start. I am a mother of 2 have been with my husband since we were 16. 11 years. I am a walking depression. As I read your post, I felt speechless and I couldn’t help but swallow that knot in my throat.
    Today at work I found myself pushing back from crying. Avoiding anyone to see me. While I read your article. I couldn’t help but to think of how many times I have done that. As if crying is a bad thing. But it clicked to me that I’m affried of people thinking I’m crazy, of them assuming “ wow here she’s goes again”
    I have had so much happen these past few years that I often wonder “ how much stronger can anyone get?” I want to scream from the top of my lungs and say “ why!?!”.
    Anytime I feel like my life is getting on track, or I get an inkling of happiness. Or I think my eating habit are good, or my sleeping is. It’s really not. It’s me masking something from myself, like always. I’ve tried to reach out for help so many times. Anytime I get close, I push back. It’s really hard to admit and show people how truly sad I am. How I feel like nothing is going right, how as a mother I feel like I’m judged, how I have Been let down by family, friends, my husband etc, almost anyone who has said “ I can trust them them.Instead of dealing with it I brushed
    It off and cried in the shower . I want to Be strong and I like hearing how string i am!
    Even if I know I am not as strong as they think.

    One thing you said that you mention was the glass of wine! Your right, it takes away that’s empty feeling.
    Helps me sleep, i don’t wake up terrified from fighting with myself in my sleep. I often struggle with sleep paralysis. Which has made me a fried to a sleep.
    Just like this post. My life is everywhere,

  • Charla Smith Hill November 16, 2017, 3:28 pm

    I have fought depression for years and I have been on a lot of different antidepressants. I am 62 yrs old and will be working until I die. I have no 401K, or retirement. I am so exhausted, I feel like I am a hamster on a wheel. Go to work, go home, try to sleep but when I sleep I dream all night, wake up exhausted and go to work again. I feel like a zombie. I never miss work, and I do my job well, but I feel like what is the point of life? It’s nothing but a struggle and vicious circle. My current husband of almost 15 yrs is totally opposite, he is upbeat, always happy and laughing, and never meets a stranger. I wish I could feel like him. He ask me why I am so antisocial, and tells me there is a lot to be thankful for. I try to explain depression and tell him I can’t help it, but I just can’t feel happy, but he doesn’t understand. He retired to stay home and take care of my totally disabled son which is his step son. My son is 34 yrs old and 15 years ago he sustained a traumatic brain injury which ruined his life. He can’t be left alone, he has cortical blindness, he is almost deaf, and cannot communicate very well. He has ataxia and no balance and falls alot, but I refuse to put him in a facility. My other son is self serving and hateful. I only hear from him if he wants or needs something. He could care less about me or his brother and offers no help with his brother, so we can have a break.. My Dad is 85 and active, but he doesn’t live nearby. I talk to him often. My Mom passed 20 months ago and when she did everything changed. She was the glue that kept what little family we have together. I miss her so much and would give anything to talk to her. I go out to the cemetery and just sit there. I had a horrible 1st marriage, he is the father of my kids but not in their lives. I raised them on my own. He was abusive and an alcoholic.
    I am not interested in anything anymore. I just want to sit on the back patio with my dog and talk to her. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, i just want to stay home when I’m not working. I have a very small family, and the upcoming holidays are so depressing. We can’t go to my Mom’s, so I want to forget the holidays. I’m to exhausted to cook and for who? I have 4 Grandchildren that I want to see more often, but they are teens and have busy lives. I do call them and check on them, but they are always busy with their lives, and they have good lives thanks to their Mom & stepdad. I don’t know why I am writing this? I try to read things to help, and that is how I ran across this. I normally don’t share. I am quiet and antisocial according to my husband. It’s true tho, I am. I don’t like being around people. I don’t want to talk to others. My circle is small, my disabled son, my husband, and my dog. My husband goes to church, I used to but not since my Mom died. I feel angry about things. My husband and I used to do outreach work with homeless thru the church, and that is how we met. He still does it, but I don’t. I don’t know what else to say other than I am sad, and my life sucks. I am exhausted all the time and have no motivation to do anything. My medications obviously don’t work.
    My Dad’s mother had a mental breakdown, and had to be in a mental institution when I was young. I remember going to see her there and remember seeing all those people. They gave my grandma shock treatments, and they said the Jehova Witness people were making her crazy? She got better, and came home. I often wonder if shock treatment would help my depression. My husband goes to church and believes, My Mom did as well, but I can’t feel anything, and I guess I don’t have the faith they say you need to be saved and believe. I just don’t feel anything, but tiredness and sadness. I can’t think of a single thing that I want to do. I am pathetic and I don’t know why my husband stays with me, I wouldn’t if I were him. I don’t know what I would do without him because I do care for him, and he takes great care of my disabled son and he loves him. Nothing else to say…

  • Danielle November 17, 2017, 10:44 am

    I’m so glad i found this article. It helped me feel not so alone. I struggle daily to just get out of bed. I don’t feel like I’m living, I’m literally just surviving.

  • Carmalita Chenault November 17, 2017, 7:30 pm

    Although I exhibit the signs, your story has no meaning for me. I am a 53 year old , divorced blk woman, married only once, 2 boys18 at home and 29 living away. There is no husband, I live on a basic Optician salary. So that being said, what future do I see for myself? I am typing this while drinking wineU
    . I love to paint, yet lately I just put it off. I am lonely, not sure what the future holds for me. I have a brother who is disabled and I feel like he is a burden to me. I know that sounds bad but it is how I feel. I love him. I am just lost….

  • Shawn November 17, 2017, 8:16 pm

    A lot of times during my day I look back on bad things I’ve done that I was influenced in doing by other means besides drugs or alchohol.. the influence is still present but it’s not physical… I’ve tried and tried to rid myself of it, but it’s hard to get rid of something you can’t see or touch :/ when I’m not under certain influences I am the way I want to be.. but when that influence comes around, it kills me mentally once it’s gone and whats done is done.. it’s like a second personality.. and when I think about wanting to change it, I get depressed and sad knowing that even if I try, it’ll do no good :/ I’m lost honestly and it hurts because one day, it will come back to effect not just me but Everyone around me. I don’t know what to do anymore..

  • LYNN M Leahy November 19, 2017, 2:09 pm

    Setbacks
    I think that is what is getting me feeling so empty. There have been so many setbacks that I can’t see anything good in my future.

  • Diane Noble November 21, 2017, 6:13 am

    I have been so unhappy for so long and I don’t know why this is. I finally met a good man, married and have the house with 2 kids. Any yet, I am still so down all the time.
    I have tried several medications over the last 24 years, they made me numb and on autopilot. I weaned myself off them (at one stage I was on 5 different meds) and have been off meds since 2013.
    I always feel I am not good enough in every aspect in life, family friends etc…. I feel awkward around people, and feel like my family don’t love me but feel sorry for me,
    I have buried one husband and husband no 2 has stage 3 lung cancer. I am just so very tired….. 🙁 And this country – South Africa, is going to the crapper, not safe and I fear for my children.

  • Kumquatt November 22, 2017, 3:58 pm

    Ive suffered the hands of severe depression and managed to escape it. I convinced myself that I am well when I was not. I actually employed coping mechanisms that gave me temporary way out and now it’s back, exactly how you exaplained it. I find myself setting goals to prove to my once depressed self that i have got a grip of my life again but i never achieve those goals. I try to write and sometimes constructing a sentence is very hard and it makes me angry at myself and fall back to the dark realm of depression. Its hard and painful.

  • Mel Kent December 5, 2017, 7:06 pm

    I enjoyed reading this. I have felt like I was unhappy for quite some time. As a full time mom and wife struggling to hold on to or regain my own identity for 12 years I sometimes feel like I am depressed because I feel stuck. I have no hobbies, only 3 friends, & very intense children. A husband who works 60-80 sometimes 100 HOURS A WEEK!! And sometimes still struggle to pay the bills. I used to craft. I do not anymore. I used to enjoy being home with my children. I do not anymore. I do not have a relationship with my Out-Laws (his family) and not much more of a relationship with my own side. I feel like my children and I are isolated and it’s us against the world!! It’s hard to face the day, some days. Some days I feel like the world is mine and more often then not I rather sleep all day. I feel like my entire existence has been stuck for that of 12 very long & unhappy years. When people see me they say things like “you are so chipper!” “You are always smiling” “you are so funny!” And when I’m not bunbarded with mundane tasks I do feel much more alive. Chipper. Happy. Successful.

    Thank you for your story. Reading actual books is on my list of “Hope To Do Soon”. First I need a comfy quiet spot to relax & read.

    WISHING EVERYONE TRUE EVERLASTING HAPPINESS!!

  • Jenn December 14, 2017, 9:58 pm

    I have been dealing with signs of depression from a young age. I can relate to a lot of the things mentioned, but I will describe my stage as “Running Depression” because it feel like it’s becoming worst. I’ve never really explained this struggle with anyone, including my own family. I think that might be due to some shame that I have and also the feeling that no one will really be able to help me because I feel so misunderstood. I’ve always hidden my emotions and feelings away from people for a reason that I can’t really explain. I’ve just become use to being sort of cold/distant. and when someone makes my feelings feel invalid and label me a pessimist, I just become more distant. Honestly, I feel like I’m pulling away from the belief/ idea that I can be happy. Dreaming feels more painful and I can’t help but to wish for death. Not suicide though. My desire to be/find happiness is evaporating and being replaced with just wanting to not exists.

    • tracy December 16, 2017, 12:38 pm

      that would be closer than anything to how i live and feel.

  • tracy December 16, 2017, 11:37 am

    As i have been reading these stories, i realize just how closely mine is to many. I grew up w your average american struggling family. It is where i learned to just deal w things on my own. I’ve always told myself deep down when i didnt have certain advantages or couldnt financially do something i so wanted to, just moved on and deal w it. When i was a teen, i was raped twice. Only to tell myself yet again, keep it to yourself no ones gonna help me. i got married at 20 yrs to find myself w 2 wonderful daughters and a husband that only cared how the marriage could benefit himself. Throughout those years i had self healing so i thought. If i wasnt at work working 60 + hrs a week then, I was at church in the choir or being a sunday school teacher, etc., etc. see i thought the busier i stayed the less id feel my emptiness and pain but, it never seem to go away. Time just made me better at smiling for everyone. I took care of my husband for 22 yrs in the process whom had kidney failure which led to a kidney transplant. All the while he had 22 different affairs on me. I eventually ended my 24 yr marriage in may of 2011. Thought at the time,time alone would heal me, WRONG, about two yrs into that i tried to take a bottle of pills that would never take place because a friend out of nowhere showed up to stop that thought. I found the man of my dreams 2 yrs later to find out he was everything id wanted in a human being. i swore to myself id never do that again after my exhusband and i seperated later to divorce. After being w this Amazing man for several months, i realized he was much more of an alcoholic than i had thought. I was criticized and called crazy for loving a drunk, and how could i love someone (whom they didnt realize was suffering from the very same depression i have had my whole life as well) at the end of the day that stayed so drunk that he couldnt even take me out on a date? It was easy really,….I picked him up when he fell, I held his hand when he was lonely, and I loved him like he had never been loved, the way i wouldve wanted to be loved. in the end the alcohol took over and he pushed me away to think i was the enemy. Not sure really why but, now he is recovering and doing well i miht add. He still believes in his mind im the bad guy. Me, ive sworn to never love again. As you can tell by now, IM A FIXER. I am very tired now in life and im only 46. I lost my home and job of 19 yrs in the hurricane (Harvey). ive never struggled so hard in all my life to fight this depression off and still smile for everyone. im tired but between God my 2 daughters,my granddaughter, and knowing ive had 1 real love in my life, with hopes God will open his eyes and remember me after all, i smile and cry,then smile and cry.

  • Meg December 20, 2017, 7:27 pm

    I relate to these quite a lot. I have family and friends that I am grateful for, but even with them I feel very alone. I can’t connect with people like I used too. One minute everything is fine, I think I am happy and one turn of event or reminder of how alone I am I completely shut down. I can’t escape it, I can’t escape the negativity that constantly flows thru my mind. Everyone thinks of me as the one that lights up a room, outgoing and sweet. On the inside I am empty, I wake up in the middle of the night and cry to myself. I cry any chance I get that I am alone, I cry in the shower, sometimes in my car on my way home from work. My mother was emotionally abusive when I was a child, I’m not sure if that’s the cause of these feelings as an adult or if it’s due to my own direction of thought. When I’m with someone that I feel takes interest in me, and then he changes his mind or realizes he doesn’t want a relationship it affects me more than it should. I want to be a strong independent woman on the inside, not just put on an act from the outside. What do I do? Will I ever find happiness? Is this what depression is?

  • Karl December 21, 2017, 5:14 pm

    Mm. I’m relatively young and everyone keeps saying I have so much to live for. But often I just fall into despair and give up caring. I dread having to go out into the corporate world and having to establish myself / my career. I want to develop the self confidence to be able to do that… But most days just pass by in a flurry of sleep, tiredness and playing the same game over and over again. Probably the most frustrating thing for me is that I know I can, and I know I want to. So it’s like an unobstructed path to the finish line. Yet I don’t move. I don’t even expend the energy to reach out and grab it.

  • Lilia Deluca December 24, 2017, 1:01 am

    Thing is, when you are down there, you know, right down there, at your lowest point, how…..how do you raise your head and your eyes and your soul to see the sky? I have a partner who resents and ignores my moods. They don’t exist, neither do I. Inside I’m crying out for him to reach in and help me find my way out……. but he never does. He says snap out of it or leave. So then I have resentment. I understand it’s me, only me that can help ‘me’. But how??

  • Jeremy lucio December 30, 2017, 2:00 pm

    Hello, my name is Jeremy Lucio. I am currently a university student on my last last year of my undergrad degree. With this coming new year, I just keep feeling this same feeling over and over again when I’m alone in the house where I feel empty. I just don’t know what path I’m going in and I keep asking myself “is this even worth It?” when I do something. I have come to admit that I am depressed but I do not know what makes me depressed. All of the symptoms that I’ve read on your website relates to me 100%. I am so lost. Everyone thinks I’m this cheerful dude but no one knows what’s inside? How do I overcome this while it’s still mild? The little things I could do to make myself better?

  • Neapwind January 5, 2018, 10:14 am

    I am 72 and feel so unhappy that I would rather be dead but haven’t got the courage. My husband moans that I am a misery but it is his fault as he won’t go anywhere with me and I am so sad. My friends talk about their holidays and I go no where except on the bus to Ely or St. ives. Some holiday.
    What can I do except cry? Or die

  • Neapwind January 5, 2018, 10:16 am

    I am 72 and feel so unhappy that I would rather be dead but haven’t got the courage. My husband moans that I am a misery but it is his fault as he won’t go anywhere with me and I am so sad. My friends talk about their holidays and I go no where except on the bus to Ely or St. ives. Some holiday.
    What can I do except cry? Or die
    I have Not said this before sonshy do you say i repeat mysef?

  • Indigo January 5, 2018, 9:58 pm

    Everything about this post is so moving. Thank you so much for beautifully writing this information and thank you to everyone that commented and shared their experiences. This just did a lot for me. ❤️

  • Arashi (17) January 6, 2018, 2:12 am

    I am acutely aware that i am depressed, but i often refuse to say i am because i dont want the pity that comes with it, my life ha been a train-wreck in slow motion with short commercial like breaks of happiness. i know that im not clinically depressed but when you criticize yourself and take pain (no matter what form it comes) at any opportunity that is arises and have attempted the bug ‘S’ more than a few times you have to ask yourself what the hell is going on.

    Yes im unmotivated, yes i find it a grind in the mornings and to do things i need to do. yes i feel everything you have said, and it horrible. i guess the only reason i haven’t offed myself yet is (besides the fact someone has stopped me taht last times i tried) is because i have a small collection of people i can call friends and im grateful for them, but i also desperately cling onto hard drugs and liquor, and it gets me by, i smoke and i do drugs, and it will kill me, but im ready to die (which comes with someone who has met death and shaken his hand enough times) and if it gets me to the next day but takes away a day in my future, so be it.

    Depression kills, and i wish no one had it in any way at all, but we are human.

  • Sophie Blankinship January 7, 2018, 10:42 am

    This helped me a lot. I just recently started feeling really down, useless, and negative and had no idea why. This lead to a spiral of trying to find out what was wrong and uncovering more problems in the process that made me feel worse. I decided to try to not feel anything, and when I still felt sad and useless after that I concluded I was depressed. But I wouldn’t let myself tell anyone because I could still be okay, if i was in my safe bubble and i tried really hard, for a little while each day. I thought it would be disrespectful to label myself as depressed.So instead I hid it, looked for other causes, and wouldn’t acknowledge my feelings. It got to be too much and I did some research to see if I was really depressed, and found your page. Thank you for showing me I shouldn’t deny this problem.

  • Paul January 8, 2018, 10:55 am

    Well if you’re single and still alone with no friends at all which can certainly be very depressing altogether, especially for many of us good men out there that are so very unlucky in love. And since most women nowadays are nothing at all like the old days which makes love very difficult to find for many of us men still looking today.

  • Shahnawaz sajid phansopkar January 23, 2018, 11:44 am

    Maam i am from india .my name is shahnawaz .i dont know wat to say but thing which is happening to me is ..i am getting problem in doing conversation…nothing feels me good..internally i am unhappy..it feels lyk something is disturbing be inside..i feel very uncomfortable while sleeping…while sleeping i get headache and sometimes my heartbeat become fast…i am getting scared while sleeping …i dont feel normal…low confidence …i become scared when someone ask me question…i become angry when someone tell me some work..some time my relatives become sad with my behaviour …but how can i make them understand…it feels dat i am wrong…i dont feel good nor bad…please help me out…it like sometime it is good day but most of the i am in these same situation which i told to u…i am 26 year old and jobless…it hurts what i was …and what i have become…i used to cry for what i am now…i have not consult any docter because i was thinking it is normal..but problem is becoming more serious

  • amit January 24, 2018, 11:40 am

    i don’t really know if i have walking depression but almost everyday i cry for no reason, i live a good life and i’m grateful of what i have but i am just not happy, also when i’m in public i fake my reactions because i just don’t feel any emotions.
    i used to draw and i was good at it but now i don’t have motivation and inspiration.
    i am a freshmen girl in high school (16) i’m one of the kids that don’t talk of listen in class an “introvert” as one may say and last year i got 95 in my final grade but this year i am failing, i don’t do homework and don’t study, instead i sleep to make the day over.
    i started to realize its not normal to be sad all the time around 4th grade but i never did anything with it because it didn’t hurt anything.
    i just don’t know what to do to make myself happy….

  • KH January 26, 2018, 2:21 am

    We’re all troubled souls at sometime in our lives and it can be hard to find hope.

    I myself find it hard to see through the unhappiness to a time I was happy, or even to a time I could be happy and although I know there have been times, they just get lost in the overwhelming dread and drudgery of trying to live, to get by.

    I relate to the words in this article, they made me cry and now just typing these words, I can feel my eyes welling up.
    I don’t feel worthy and I have become my own worst enemy. I see happy people and hate them, but then hate myself even more, people should be happy and I have no right to hate them for that.

    I like to write, although it has become a less frequent process of my life, motivation has left me for a more worthy individual, some who can climb above the despair and show the world they’re here.
    I do feel I’ve become to old and to tired to climb, but life goes on and I’m not ready to give up!

    I’ll leave you with some words from a song I wrote, at a time of confusion and despair. Music does help, for me anyway.

    Black and White

    I try so hard to keep my head above the waterline
    To keep afloat of this turmoil that I hide
    Looking up then looking down
    I see my future all but drown
    As I try to fight these demons to the ground

    Well it’s always one step forward two steps back
    And the harder that I push the less I have
    Looking right I’m looking left
    Feels like I’m stepping of a cliff
    I’ve only got this life… I wanna live!

    It’s never black and white
    Just perceptions in the night
    I’m drifting in I’m drifting out of my dreams
    It’s never black and white
    Just perceptions in the night
    I’m drifting in I’m drifting out…

    Well this music in my mind it keeps me sane
    As it echoes through the rails of this subway train
    Spinning round I’m falling down
    But I’d be lost without this sound
    Listening to the call of the underground

    It’s never black and white
    Just perceptions in the night
    I’m drifting in I’m drifting out of my dreams
    It’s never black and white
    Just perceptions in the night
    I’m drifting in I’m drifting out of my dreams
    I’m drifting in I’m drifting out of my dreams
    I’m drifting in I’m drifting out…

  • Sean January 29, 2018, 8:18 pm

    God Bless you..! Your words of encouragement , and your explanations of how I feel are spot on.
    It’s incredible, and thank you. Now it’s just how to change myself. A big task.. I don’t know why,
    I just don’t understand this… I have always been the tough one. Never have I ever had asked for help. Now I’m lost within my self . It’s funny how you can lie to yourself and actually believe it.
    Knowing damn well that you’re lost.
    Walking Deppression…. incredible… Thank you..

  • Sean January 29, 2018, 8:27 pm

    I tried,
    but it said that I repeated myself. So it wouldn’t post.
    Well I really like, all what I’ve read.
    I just wish that, all that I wrote, would have gone through. Same shit, different day…
    But I am glad that I found your site… Maybe it will help…
    God Bless,
    Sean..

  • AJ January 31, 2018, 5:33 pm

    I’m generally a happy person but lately I havent been eating much or getting much sleep. At school I feel like all the work I do is without purpose. One night my family and I went out for dinner and I didn’t talk much and they were all worried. Then months later I had thoughts of suicide but I never had the stomach. Then I had ideas like poisoning myself. I also just feel alone. According to everything up there I definitely have something. I related to it alot. I’m also very glad this is anonymous, I can really speak my mind. I’m not really comfortable speaking with anyone about this. I also do this thing when I picture myself as a completely different person, someone who has failed at everything and has been disowned, lost everything and has no one and no purpose. I can’t picture myself as an adult though. I just can’t handle the idea of all that responsibility. Paying bills, rent, and making money. I can’t picture myself with any kids or wife. At school I joke about being alone and all that, but deep down I’m just degrading myself. I’m not super depressed just when I feel down, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I don’t know if I need help. I’m not comfortable getting help either. I’m self harming or anything but I just find it pleasing when I suffer. I don’t have anxiety or anything, I do have adhd and add. I feel like all of my friends aren’t friends. I often have a good sense of humor but Idk. Sorry I’m writing a book right now. I also feel like every day is a huge hamsterwheel, just repeating itself over and over. I’m a faithful man but I’m not extremely religious. I’m just going to go to bed my phone is going to die…

  • Andr February 10, 2018, 2:14 pm

    I have read through this and don’t know what to think. Let me start off by saying my life has had a 180. 3 years ago I was working on my life long passion, Music. I had gone to school learned how to make and produce. I also play many instruments. I was performing shows had lots of fans. I was offered a scholarship to a music school in San Francisco and a job at a studio. I had to give San Francisco up. My son was born and soon after got married. My music had died. I felt I gave up Music and turned my back on myself.
    Then the struggles of parenting with a daughter that I cannot feel like I can get through to. On top of that the struggles of first years of marriage. I don’t know if it’s myself or just depression. I feel alone and shut out from my own family. I don’t feel listen to. Nor does my feelings or opinions matter.
    I have also had to work jobs that I have literally hated doing just to pay the bills and keep a roof over my family.
    I’m also in the Military in the Reserves. My hard work there has gone unotticed and unappreciated, or lack there of. So I am going to be leaving the military which is a part of who I am.

    So now I feel like loosing all these things that meant so much to me, I feel I’m not even me anymore. Just feel like a robot, I don’t mean to sound like a cry baby I just am at a loss and don’t know who I can turn to at this point.

  • Kira February 14, 2018, 4:11 am

    Wow. This is probably the only accurate method I’ve found of addressing what my condition was; walking depression. I’ve been diagnosed as having “borderline clinical depression” before, and funny as that sounds, it just made me feel like, even if I’m mentally sick, I can’t do it all the way; just some half-arsed attempt at being sick instead. Sheesh.

  • Sandi February 19, 2018, 3:20 am

    I am so afraid to comment – I hate to sound like a whiner a pain in the ass – as I have been called – I also tend to rant on and on – I will try and keep this to the point – I don’t know what to do anymore – I am 60, broke beyond broke – as I have been most of my life, I have always been the one that failed – I have OCD, an eating disorder, anxiety/panic disorder, I can’t leave my city I have never been anywhere – I have never had a passion for work and now I am desperate and not able to find work – I lost everything a few years ago and I became homeless and couch surfed for 5 years – I am now about to lose everything again – I have been depressed since I was 4 – I remember specific details – I have had sexual, physical and emotional abuse from step fathers and neighbours and beaten and abused as a child – I have done a 10 step program for my eating disorder and got better but still struggle – every day is pure torture – I lay in bed crying screaming whatever it is – I volunteer, I help street people, I volunteer with animals, seniors, children because that is my true passion. But I am always depressed, unhappy, full of anger, my friends are retiring and I am desperately trying to find anything just to survive – never married no kids (big surprise huh?) who the hell would want me! I have tried therapy and with EMDR was getting somewhere but now – I have no money for therapy – so back to this despair – I want to get better so I can help others who feel this way but I have now given up that I will – I want to travel but the panic is overwhelming, I understand how all of you feel – and none of this is right or fair – – I simply do not know what to do except live in this darkness this pain this hell – I am sorry for all of us and if I could change it for all of us – I would – I truly would

  • Raghdaa February 22, 2018, 12:11 pm

    I stopped feeling happy long time ago.. life is getting boring day after day, i am fed up ..

  • anallah chaco March 4, 2018, 8:47 pm

    I feel lost
    Broken
    Angry
    Extremely Sad
    I can’t have a good time anymore
    I feel like everyone gave up on me

  • Corinne March 5, 2018, 2:48 pm

    Wow… I googled this at work and started crying as I read. My biggest problem is existential intelligence – when I finished at Uni I have felt literally the weight of the question “what is the point?” Sometimes I wish I was religious or could believe in God but I can’t, my brain won’t let me. Pretty lies are still lies… *sigh.

    My life is perfect… I have everything and yet I am so seriously depressed and filled with anxiety that my life has been on pause for years. I am an attractive 30 years old who is afraid of everything and everyone, and what’s worse is that I remember a time that I was “tough.” I remember being on the other side of this, I remember being YOUNG. I had purpose and I didn’t question the path forward. Now I just don’t get it… I just don’t get it. It’s nice to know I am not alone, everyone thinks I am a strong ambitious person, confident and immovable. They have no idea that underneath the exterior there is a child staring out with large fearful eyes; pathetically waiting for someone to follow or for something to believe in.

  • Tessa March 11, 2018, 12:09 pm

    Since I was 13 I’ve had depression. I was in a really low place, after school I did homework then just stayed in my darkened room watching tv shows and I think that kept me afloat though most of my teen years. Things got better until someone famous I admire, took his own life. He struggled with depression too. It’s been really hard. I usually couldn’t feel much of anything just numb, but at least with tv shows it helped. Though I don’t think it helps anymore. I watch them but I don’t feel anything. The sky used to make me feel whole, it doesn’t anymore. I’m trying to make it make me feel, but there’s seemling nothing. I don’t know what to do. I try to get excited for a concert I will see later and my favorite tv shows come on soon, but it’s like I tell myself I feel happy. Though I don’t feel much of anything, maybe a brief fleeting excitement. I’m not sure what to do, I sleep for hours and wake up sad. I feel like I should feel happier, but when I look inside for it, I can’t find it.

  • Andy March 19, 2018, 6:08 am

    I relate to all these symptoms, in fact in my case i sort of know that i’m clinically depressed. It is such an awful condition..I have completely lost interest in all fun or things i have to do…

  • Emma March 21, 2018, 12:47 pm

    Am not a artist but I relate to a lot of the signs , I feel unhappy so I follow all the advice filling my life with stuff to fill my day .however it does not take away the root cause of my feelings just numbs them until it too much and I find myself crying in a bathroom.
    I’ve just become a very good actress at looking happy .which just makes me even more unhappy as I think if you really new and loved me why Can’t you see though my act .
    But I can’t stop and be depressed I have to pay the bills,keep the house clean etc so I put on my smile and keep walking.
    I keep thinking would it be better to fall then I think no just learn to run .

  • Stan March 22, 2018, 6:25 am

    I’ve stumbled upon this by googling trying to find some answer as to why I’ve been feeling this way lately. I mean i tried EVERYTHING but i just can’t seem to find something that’s worthwile.
    Where have i gone wrong? It all started with a break up with someone I’ve been with for couple of years. Had a bad fight lost my home, work and somewhere along the line i couldn’t even continue with my education. I’m 23 years old btw. I gave and gave, tried and tried to give nothing but my best, but somehow things still went to shit. I admit I’m depressed i did so since the start. It’s been months now and im still trying tp get my life back together but the harder I try the harder life seems to fight back.

  • Nathan Bailey March 23, 2018, 5:36 am

    I am a 24 year old man trying to figure out why I feel the way that I do. I came to this page in hopes of learning more about myself but it kinda only made me worry more about the possibility that I’ll be depressed my whole life. I’ve always had trouble concentrating & constantly concerned of what people have thought about me. Ever since I was in about 4-5th grade I have cared extremely too much about the way I present myself to others and in some cases have had extreme social anxiety where I burst out in sweat if I feel I’ve said the wrong thing. Once I hit high school and going through more things, I began to lie to my friends, family, girlfriends or whoever about whatever. I began to use drugs/alcohol and this never helped my cause. Like you said, it feels worse in the morning like there is a pressure on my chest & head. Then in the evening I feel a little more suttle. I’ve never been to a doctor/psychiatrist because my family has never had insurance for these things which is why I am writing this. I just need answers or help

  • Kaylani March 24, 2018, 5:57 pm

    I feel this everyday, when I wake up to the night. The only times I feel good about myself is when I’m asleep right when I wake up all the pain comes back and this is happening from school. I’m pretty popular at school but know for the wrong reasons everyone calls me a hoe. I don’t know how much I can take but I guess I’ll just have to try to get trough . I want to ask my mom to transfer me but I feel as if she won’t listen to me. Me and my mom are really close but I feel as if I talk to her she would think I’m exaggerating

  • Cecil Nixxon March 27, 2018, 7:09 am

    Our civilization places a low value on human life and an even lower value on human happiness. Walking Depression affects so many in this civilization because our social structures and priorities are in ruin. This civilization doesn’t even care to address visible depression and anxiety let alone “the whinings of perfectly healthy people who won’t get over themselves.”

    We need nothing short of a complete transformational revolution in society. But I fear we will instead get sicker and sicker until we have no capacity to heal.

  • Ken March 28, 2018, 10:40 am

    I am profoundly sad every day. It’s worse in the morning. It’s ruined every realationship I’ve ever wanted. Meds don’t help. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

  • ... March 29, 2018, 12:13 am

    i used to love where i live and just love everything around it but now i’m not close with my friends i knew my entire life, people are leaving me, people are not including me like they normally did and now i don’t want to be here anymore and i just wanna move and start a new life. i don’t care what people think about me or say about me anymore and i’ve been really sad. i don’t know if this is a personal problem or just people not liking me. i care for others more then me and i always make people life but people don’t respect that anymore

  • Chelle March 31, 2018, 5:39 pm

    It’s hard. I avoid calling people even when I really need to. I recently had to go on leave from my job after an injury and I’ve been so depressed and anxious about it, I never called them to quit and never returned calls from the company. I actively avoid my phone if it is ringing and then I feel deeply ashamed about it and beat myself up. I avoid calling my friends and when a friend wants me to go do something with them, there is always a *reason* why I have to cancel. I have battled depression most of my life and most of the time, I can be happy and confident, but lately, I have put a lot of weight and nothing is fun. I stopped singing, I don’t go out unless it’s for my kids, Nothing is fun. I used to have fun. I used to go to parties and be social and now I’m afraid. I went to a party with my husband and was told they were tired of seeing my sad face and that I should smile more. That’s why I don’t go anywhere. I get called on it and then I inwardly crumble. It’s hard to break away from these feelings, even when I have the love and support of my family.

  • erin March 31, 2018, 7:53 pm

    Hi,
    I came across this page while surfing the web and it brings back some painful memories for me that I have the time and want to share about because I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety since I was 13/14 years old. I am now 19 almost 20 and am still on medication for my depression.
    I had a really hard time in high school with my depression. I went into freshman year confident and HAPPY. I had so many friends and was so well liked by many. Sophomore year rolled by and I fell behind in school and got dumped by my boyfriend who was the quarterback of the football team. (I was super into popularity and labels back then, so I needed to add that in). I was so low, I lost all my friends and I never understood what I was doing so terribly wrong. I went to the doctor to get myself checked out because I knew I was depressed. They ended up finding a learning disability as well as some OCD, anxiety, and depression. I felt so isolated because I knew that there was something wrong with me, but NO ONE would listen to me. I started to doubt myself and see my struggles as “not real” or “just in my head”.
    Through sophomore and junior year I struggled with rumors and horrible people that made it their mission to hurt me. I got made fun of for things that I have never done or said because I was seen as a “slut” freshman year. Also being a varsity cheerleader all 4 years of high school didn’t help. I thought that status would help me with my issues, but it turns out I stuck with cheerleading because it was truly my passion and I love it to this day(even though my body can’t physically bend/move like that anymore)
    Junior year there was one particularly really harsh rumor about me going around my whole school that I had herpes because I was out of school for a week, while I was actually in the hospital for mono. This was especially hard for me because the ENTIRE school believed it, mainly because one of the teachers told her class “Be careful, someone in this school has herpes.” A girl from my team told me that her teacher announced that to the whole class and I had had it. I went to my class counselor (I was super close with him because I basically lived in his office) to tell him what happened and that teacher was suspended for a week.
    Thinking about everything its really hard to write this out because I don’t think the emotion of the situation and what I felt is really getting through, but Im trying to summarize this the best I can, so bare with me.
    I had no girl friends junior year other than my team. I was alone and at my worst. I so desperately wanted to transfer or get away and go to college. But I didn’t.
    My parents have been married for 28 years a week ago, my dad was an alcoholic and my mom is a self centered, reputation freak. My dad went to rehab in 2004 when I was 5 years old and was gone for months. He didn’t tell me any of this tip I got to highschool because it is obviously a touchy subject. My parents have fought as long as I can remember and it haunts me to this day. I always put their relationship on my back and always felt like I needed to protect my dad from my moms abuse. I have nightmares and flashbacks to this day of my mom physically and verbally abusing my dad. But I’m not going to get into the details of that right now.
    One night over the summer I remember this so vividly. My mom sent me a text that was meant for my dad, basically ripping me and him apart. She said that I’m a loser just like my dad and I will never amount to anything. that hurt coming from my mother and I lost it. I called my moms parents and her siblings and basically told them how she’s been treating me and my dad. This would be another story if my dad was actually a loser, but he ohs the most selfless person I have ever met and I’m not just saying that because he’s my dad but I really mean it when I say he works so hard everyday for us and deserves the best. He is unhappy but he wakes up every morning at 5 am to workout for an hour and Half then showers and goes to work and comes home at 7 every night to no food or hello from his wife. He is the most incredible guy and he needs recognition for it. Anyways I went insane and cut myself and did drugs and basically did everything to get that text out of my head, but I started believing it.
    Senior year I decided to stop talking to my mom and chasing after the girls who were so cruel and horrible to me and be happy. I decided to make friends outside of my school and hold my head high while I was still in school. I started seeing a therapist sophomore year and really kicked it up a notch once I was a senior because I knew I had to get better before I went off to college. My medication was stable and my health was great and I was doing ok. I still sat in the bathroom at lunch, but I was getting by. And ever since then (I’m a freshman in college about to be out for summer break) ive been stable. Ive had boughts of sadness don’t get me wrong, in fact the past few days have been a low for me and thats why I’m typing this all out right now. But for me college is what saved my life and I’m extremely thankful my parents were able to send me to such a great school.
    with my mom and I, we are working towards a relationship, but taking it slow. Living away from home has been just what I needed to be able to deal with this relationship healthily. so I guess we will see what happens. and for my parents, I’m not really sure where they stand. All I know is that I’ve learned through so much therapy that I can’t take on that pressure from a relationship that isn’t even mine. So I’ve stopped worrying about them for now and have decided to focus on myself.
    Thats basically all I had to say, I just wanted to tell my story becuause I feel like I’ve left it in the dark for too long.
    I wish you all the best of happiness.
    xx

  • Sharon April 4, 2018, 8:54 am

    Hi, I think I ignored or was definitely unaware of my walking depression and in this last month it got worse it’s starting to look like real clinical depression. I’m scared I have seen a Psicologist today and I’m hoping they can actually help me out. I’m a Designer working full time as an architectural technologist…I’m not sure why but the lack of time to do everything really got to me. No time to keep in order my home or have friends or be creative. My family is on the other side of the planet and I feel like I won’t survive alone.

  • L April 12, 2018, 3:30 am

    Im so unhappy in life I fake thru it all. The men in my life are toxic but I can’t walk away, im at my wit’s end n back to doing things I haven’t in years just to numb the pain.

  • Michelle April 12, 2018, 7:23 pm

    I don’t know what wrong with me these day, I just feel sad and want to cry the heck out of myself. But I don’t want to think that I am depress or anything but it just happen. I feel like my friends and families just doesn’t want me to be around. I feel like they are pushing me away, and I feel like I am trying to fit in and get back to the position I’m used to be in. But I just can’t/ don’t know how to do it, I just wish I have a person who’s right next to me and guide me through this. Sometimes I feel really happy but then when im happy I start to think “what have I accomplished this 14 years?…… ” my answer was ” NOTHING” and I say to myself ” If I haven’t accomplished anything then I don’t deserve this happiness.” On this Tuesday my mom calls me selfish just because I don’t want to do something for her friend… and it really hurt my feeling because she my mom, how could she say that to me. I mean… if someone else says something mean to me, of course it would hurt my feelings but it would hurt as much as when my mom says something mean. And I sometimes feels like the things that I’m wearing/ using doesn’t belong me, it the money that my mom made, so it not mine. When ever I getting an argument with my mom, I would think ” you have no right to say that” and tell myself one day you need to repay all the things I have back to my families. Right now I’m just sitting in the corner typing this, and it really hard for me as a 14 years old. I really want to cry while I’m typing this. And I still have a lot to say but i don’t know how to explain it. I just wish I have someone who willing to go through this with me.

  • Artifact April 13, 2018, 7:54 pm

    I feel the same way. I’ve got everything and more for happiness, I’m just so tired to be so mad and sad for no reason, especially during morning and sunset hours. I don’t have any significant problems, just tend to be lonely; my bf is the only one who sees the true me, but I dont want to burden him with my constant annoyance. I try to look and pretend I’m happy around others, I don’t think anyone notices how i really feel – which is good in a way, you gotta be professional at work. I just miss the feeling of fun and excitement and connection to people – and no matter what i do, i dont seem to be able to fulfill it. If before food would help to mask it, somehow now it no longer works, and I cant find a way to function efficiently.

  • anonymous April 14, 2018, 9:31 pm

    Hey, reading this post made me feel like I’m not the only one, so thank you.
    For a while now, I’ve been trying to analyse my own thoughts and feelings, and from seeing some of the mini-headers you have in this post I think that now, I can start to comprehend how I feel, because for some reason I just couldn’t put it into words, but you have clearly summed and confirmed some things for me.
    I’m on the road to a clear mind now, and you have aided me in that… thank you.

  • anonymous April 15, 2018, 6:56 am

    I relate to this post a lot. I felt sad, lonely and tired all the time. But even though it felt like it could be depression, I didn’t want to admit it because I felt like the sadness and loneliness I was feeling could not compare to the people out there who may suffer from severe depression. I felt that I couldn’t justify what I was feeling as depression because of that and it just led to me undermining my own sadness, telling myself that other people have it worse and I should be grateful that I am not in a worse shape. Thank you for writing this article. It made me feel less alone and that other people have faced what I am going through.

  • Anonymous April 15, 2018, 6:36 pm

    I’ve always noticed I needed an activity to occupy my time and efforts up keep the negative thoughts at bay. Living a ground hog day life, even as a father, working a job I feel no connection with simply to be employees is unnatural and feels like I’m wasting my life. Once I was injured and could no longer do the activity that gave me purpose, my physical health suffered and have since lost my way…. withdrawn I’ve left a 5 year relationship that was largely responsible for skewing off course. I had a path and a goal. Complicating my life with someone so different presented challenges I was to naive to acknowledge. Until I was at ground zero once again.

    • Anonymous April 15, 2018, 6:41 pm

      Continued- I am now back where I started my come back in 2004. With no plan and my inability to be grateful for anything is only growing into a milignant cloak that if I don’t get a hold of soon I don’t know if I’ll ever get bsck on my feet. The daily practices of “The Secret” lol I can’t even buy into it anymore. I’m literally lost and need help.

  • Kimberly B. - Phoenix, AZ April 18, 2018, 7:55 pm

    I have been depressed for most of my life, to which I believe has much to do with inability to look forward to anything. I had some lofty dreams wgen younger which were verbally dashed by my parents for reasons that likely have to do with how they were raised, I’m sure. My parents marriage was tumultuous to say the least but they stayed together. I’ve had a rough go of trying to create a family – likely due to the training I had to never believe in my future and in watching my parents’ unhealthy way of communicating with one another.

    I took a stand at some point and left my parents, friends, my job, the whole state, and went to film school and became a mother. Picked a brilliant man who is still a great father today, but my disbelief in marriage kicked in so we co parent separately today. My film work took a dive when the responsibilities of single motherhood set in.

    Today, I’m in a relationship with a centrally abusive man, much like dad, and work in the legal field, just like mom. I am severely unhappy because my entire relationship is about what he can get from me. Money, help with this or that… and when he doesn’t get what he wants from me, God help us all. I’ve told him I want out but he recently became unemployed and he hasn’t been in a rush to find work, either.

    I feel trapped. In every way. My work, because I have a BMW car note I still have to pay – and I dont even like the car! My location, because I co parent my daughter with her dad here and leaving would mean leaving her. My relationship, for the reasons above. My whole life feels like something I created with the best of intentions and they all went wrong and turned into traps.
    I’ve tried to see how maybe I’m supposed to see some greater lesson about myself but its been years and I just don’t see it.

    The only reason I haven’t attempted suicide (again) is because i don’t want to hurt my daughter. My only reason for living is her. She’s 10 yes old and soon enough I will be less relevant to her, so I’m trying to prepare for that time by finding a more meaningful career. But then I’m trapped by the financial bits – hard to switch careers without a drop in pay. Plus I don’t want to work HARDER later in life. I need things to ease up!

    I think its likely my perspective but I am not sure how to better it. I just keep walking, looking around hoping to find a better path.

  • Phaedrus April 19, 2018, 1:09 am

    As daybreak follows nightfall. Look for your angels

    We meet angels. They come to us at our times of need. This was one such time for me today.

    When I fall I find comfort in the eyes and stories of complete strangers. Fellow black dog walkers… Not conversations on being low, God forbid we ever let that knowledge pass our lips, but those knowing looks of connection from passing souls who we know and feel, just know, where we are moored; a hapless melancholic sea.

    In happier times it is easier to look on sad faces and infer personal responsibility. This idealistic “Just do it” “Pull yourself together” accusation rides at the head of a tsunami of self-loathing. Most present at 3 AM and on waking.

    “To sleep – perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub…”

    and many many designs on achieving this end. The next more refined and tuned to avoid doubts than the last. It’s not giving up….It’s not frustration or anger…. These are concepts in the minds of the sane. It’s a perfect knowledge of the need to put a logical end to the monotonous ache. Its skipping to the last page, then ripping it out to end the story.

    But even here the shrill self-accusing voice steals this our morsel of final comfort and demotes it as selfish and self-absorbed. How dare we elevate our misery to a pedestal of needing anyone to care. To do this would need an explanation of a feelings uncoupled from causation, from otherwise perhaps mediocre piffling life challenges, a diagnosis, a reason. But in the end there is no metric to measure; no way to quantify no verifiable litmus test. The shrill uncaring self-loathing voice is back.

    ” It’s JUST in your head stupid”

    self-help books will tell YOU it’s JUST YOUR lack of focus. JUST YOUR lack of planning. JUST YOUR lack of effort…… (EVEN) YOU can achieve anything you put your mind to (If you can be bothered). But this requires energies long since depleted from countless attempts to scale the cold slippery unforgiving walls of the pit we have found ourselves washed into.

    And then there are GOOD days…… UP days when thinking is EASY and it is likewise easy to forget the pit. Easy to not, at first, recognise the real source of the delicious wave of solutions, bizarre, obvious solutions unseen by mortal minds. This thinking gives a whole positive reason for suffering…. it’s all been worth it….. it all makes “Magickal” sense now. The angels, the burning away of useless thoughts and ideals…….

    “Sense” that is till the wave of realisation breaks that even GOOD feelings are illusions …. knowing that the next solutions will need to be even greater to surpass the looming wave of doubts that will come …. and they surely always come. as daybreak follows nightfall.

  • Melissa Stratford April 20, 2018, 9:37 pm

    I have a loving family, my passion and hobby my paddock (horses) ! I have a boyfriend who loves me and I work in my family’s business. But nothing’s fun anymore. I used to find going out for dinner fun. But now I can’t find find in almost anything. I love riding my horses but I never feel like I’m getting anywhere. I have a boyfriend who loves me and yet I’m confused whether I’m happy or not because I should be but I’m confused more than anything. I’m confused about everything on how I should feel when I don’t even know how I feel. Everything is so hard. I can never relax and seem to feel peace . I’m exhausted but I can’t find the reason why. I moved here with my family so I don’t have any friends anymore I feel alone. I feel far from my family and bf yet they are right here in front of me

  • Fionn Mallory April 22, 2018, 5:16 am

    I want to follow your advide on how to not be depressed and tired. But I have many responsibilities. And I can’t give them up. Because I am not the only one who would be affected if I give up.

    I am 16 years old. My father doesn’t want to support my education this year. He said he would next year. But he hasn’t been coming home. And he thinks I’m not his child. And he has treated me differently from my older sister, who’s education he still supports. It’s not like I hate my sister. I adore and love her. But sometimes I’m jealous.
    I don’t want to stop studying. Because I have a dream I want reach as fast as I could. I confided this with my mother. And she said she would do everything she can for me to not stop my education.
    However, we didn’t have the sufficient amount of money. Our budget can only last one semester. And our school has two semesters. So, for me to continue I had to find a scholarship. And we learned that I can become a Taekwondo varsity and eatn a scholarship that is if I passed the try-outs. But we heard that mostly black belts would be accepted. And I’m only a red belt who has stopped training for 4 years. That is why I’m not confident I can pass the try-outs.
    Thus, we decided to invest the remainder of our savings for my training. There is only two months until the try-outs. And during the training, I learned how far I had been left behind. How I lacked stamina, strength, and knowledge of the changes in Taekwondo Poomsae.

    I’m scared of the responsibilty I’m carrying. I want to stop training not because I don’t like it. But because I feel exhausted, empty, and sad. I feel like I’ve been crying too much. And when asked why, I say I don’t know. And I really don’t have a concrete reason. It just feels like there is something holding my heart and it just hurts so much.

    I also feel guilty to my mom. Because when she saw me crying. She caressed my hair gently and apologized.
    I want to let go of this responsibility and rest. I also want to die. But the dream I want to chase so badly is to obtain money. Money for a DNA test, to prove to my father that I’m his child and that my mother is not someone like him or whatever he sees her to be. She is loyal. She is kind. She is gentle.
    But as the way I’m going, I just can’t take it anymore. Should I really just die? Should I continue my training for the try-outs? I know I need to continue training. But I just feel so tired. I want to rest. But if I rest I would be further from my dreams and my father would continue to torment us.

    Please, I need help. Thank you for anyone who spent the time to read this. I was crying halfway through writing this. However, it feels like something has been lifted from my chest.

  • Krishna April 25, 2018, 7:49 am

    I have all these feelings,when i got into some thing creative I thought everyone will appreciate me. Instead they said I am mad to do such child like things.

  • Lukas R April 25, 2018, 1:58 pm

    I keep feeling depression.. I’m a 16 year old boy from Denmark.
    I’ve concidered suicide but i’m too afraid for My family to get messed up after, but at night I can’t sleep. The only thoughts that is gong through My mind is that I hope I get stabbed or something that would just, idk make me feel alive again..
    No one knows that i’m feeling the way I am..
    And Idk why i’m feeling This way but I hate the thought of telling someone, what if they began looking at me like I was weak, or someone that’s only looking for attention

    By writing This i don’t want advise.. This is just for me to get it of My chest
    Thx for reading

  • Vikas April 26, 2018, 7:16 am

    First article describing my state. “I am not happy but do not know what makes me happy”

    I am sad but no one knows; I am laughing, talking well but sad deep inside. Need to change but what to change? So many questins I have in my life. Everyone needs something from me (including my family, professional people) but no one care what i need. No meaning to my life at all. Please help if you can.

  • Clarish Alvarez April 29, 2018, 2:49 pm

    ” I definitely don’t have depression, I am strong” that was I always used to say because I believed and still do believe that I am strong. I have had the philosophy that as a human being I have the ability to adapt to new situations. But then when I started to tell myself ” Goddamn it Clarish, are you actually so dumb you cant even do a simple thing” or ” for gods sake just off yourself Clarish” or “Shut the fuck up Clarish” them isn’t wrong? I didn’t realise how harmful this was to mysef and now i feel that i have succumbed and cant help but become more mean to my own self to make myself more awake you could say. Or simply to make myself more aware of my task. isn’t it sick that this 80% of my motivation talks too? If it was an exam i have to do I would simply tell myself, ” If your friend can get high marks you must also or else you’re just a dumbass”.
    is it self- pity im not actually sure because i dont actually know the line between that and depression.

    I have to say that I don’t know what I have and I can and a lot of people CAN say

  • Clarish Alvarez April 29, 2018, 3:11 pm

    i feel low at a weekly basis and every other week i have a breakdown, how do you stop that. I could start going outside and spare some time to myself, but is that more important or is my studies for my a levels more important. No i would feel too guilty to just get up and walk away from my desk.
    I definitely have had a time where i had cut myself. Again thinking back was it through self -pity or was it to get attention. Or was it actually my sign of depression. I’ve stopped doing it and have only had one relapse that I hate myself for succumbing to. I felt so helpless and I was so afraid of the future.
    I have had breakdowns when i couldn’t fine a piece of paper for my coursework. This brings up the question am i actually strong? Who know. many people could say that the answer is something i would know. But i would only be left more confused because if i knew wouldnt i have stopped this mess a long time ago? if i knew how to finish this mess without further physically scarring myself, wouldnt i have done that before. I don’t want this wretchedness. i want o be able to laugh and have fun and be outgoing while actually believing that i am. that not a minute later i would still be laughing and not thinking about the fact that evryone else is so much better yet why am i around them . That I wouldn’t tell myself that if i just died wouldn’t everyone else be fine. They have their own lives and I am just a small side factor in it. They are the ones that I feel have made me feel better without knowing it. What have i done?
    it always seem to happen at night where I I break. It quite a romantic word to use but its the word that tells completely what happens.
    And yet the morning after i would get up go to school and be able to act excited and somehow convince myself that it would be the last time it would happen. i would forget about it.
    Until the next night when it happens again i suppose.

    I have to say that I don’t know what I have and I can and a lot of people CAN say you have depression you dumbass!
    But i am left unsure if it was to attract attention, self pity or just a complete inability to handle tough situations.
    i suppose you could say that this is a form of want of attention by my way of posting my experience.
    one thing i am sure of however is that through the plethora of what I have walking depression have been added to it.

    Baby steps#1

  • Andrea April 30, 2018, 7:16 am

    It is a rather long story but I will make it short. At the age of 25 years old I was asked to move back in with my parents to help with their financial struggles. I did so without any hesitation, my brother is bipolar, and I with that has come many ups and downs. Fast forward 10 years later, I am still supporting my parents and brother financially. My brother can be like my mother, they can be controlling and think nothing of using tears to get what they want. I work in retail, I am a manager at a store, and I barely have a social life outside of work, even though I live in a small town, I have put work and family first. However my mother passed away last year, I did not really give my self time to grieve, I through myself into work soon after. Some months after my mother had passed away, I met a man that I thought was really good. We spent so much time together, and he really opened up to me about his life, then he betrayed my trust. This man had triggered something in me, a desire to want more in life, love, hope and just the need to feel like I was someone to love, but it is like I always attract people that have issues, I am the one who always listens to everyone’s problems, and with this man I fell into the habit of doing it again, always the giver never the taker, and the anger and frustration has boiled over to hurt, resentment and as you described a walking depression. For some reason I just feel sad and lonely all the time, I cry a lot, I put myself down , I feel anger towards some people I do not trust, I find it hard to wake up in the morning, constantly late for work, and I just feel I want change, but it is like I do not know where to start, or how to start. I have spoken to my sister who has been supportive, however she is married and has her own worries, so I do not want to burden her with my issues.

  • jay May 7, 2018, 2:24 am

    im 15,, im too young to feel like this. but what can i do ! im lucky im even alive at this point..

  • David May 9, 2018, 11:49 am

    I just keep asking myself will i get better .. I’m sick of this depression

  • Tina May 11, 2018, 4:12 pm

    I have been married for 38 years to a good, hard working man….. but one who ignores me….. I have been depressed for years about this…. between my marriage and my mother ( who is 91) and my sister – who doesn’t get along with my mother -( and who is a drama queen…. and does very little to help me with mom….) I’m extremely depressed. I just need lots of prayer

  • Fey May 12, 2018, 7:03 pm

    The only joy I find is the fact I will die someday, and I will not have to live through this daily lie of pretending happy. I am heading towards my 50’s, and everything I have ever loved or cared for has been ripped from me. I’m ready to go now.

  • Laura May 18, 2018, 8:25 am

    I am a mother of 6 children. I have been a stay at home mum for 18 years. I am 35 years old and I have been walking depressed sinice I was a late teen. On the surface I have everything; 6 beautiful children the best husband anyone could ask for a lovely home even my favourite dog but underneath I feel nothing. I hate myself I have no confidence I see myself as a non person taking up breathing space for others. I just don’t get life I go along with the motion of life but really I just wish I could disappear. I sleep as much as I can because I can escape to another world. I have a passion for makeup I love it but I would never put myself out there because I know i would fail. I just don’t see the point in me being here I don’t want to die I just would like not to exist.

  • Tanya May 20, 2018, 11:11 pm

    I feel as if I am not allowed to be happy, that I cannot be happy until I have a new job, lost weight, spring clean the house or whatever.
    The goal post is always moving and I am never allowing myself to be happy.
    Yes and I resent other people that looks happy, even poor people with hardly anything walking in the street laughing and chatting.

  • no one May 21, 2018, 12:17 pm

    I am so glad I finally found something to explain the way I am feeling. I don’t want to tell people or talk about especially to my partner because I don’t want my unhappiness to make them unhappy. I also have no reason to be the way I am. I am still so young, and I have a happy loving family, i am athletic, i’m valedictorian of my class, great friends, but I just feel such a weight all the time, like right when I am happy again something just crushes me and then I have to start all over again and drag myself back out of that hole because I am expected to be happy and fun loving but sometimes I just fake it so no one knows the difference. I get panic attacks and have symptoms of anxiety and this walking depression but I don’t want to tell my parents or go for help because it seems like so much more for me to try and handle and I don’t know what people will think and say if they find out. I just feel like i’m fighting for my happiness, and I’m trying to do it all on my own but i’m not winning and it feels endless. I just want to be happy and carefree again and enjoy life.

  • Sheelagh May 22, 2018, 9:20 am

    I look back on my life and think what if,
    I’ve had some lovely times but some really sad times so what if I had done things different I know it is to late now and l know it’s ‘if only I knew then what I know now ‘but the time has past ‘what can I do i feel so lost ‘

  • SomeoneOverTheRainbow May 24, 2018, 8:15 pm

    I feel like total garbage, worse than I had ever felt in my life. But man oh man do I refuse to tell anyone. I can’t. It feels so stupid. Like I’m surrendering. I feel like I’ve done nothing. My life is just fine…I’m just fine. Why do I feel this way? I feel so freacking weak. And I loathe being pitied – I feel worse and worse every time someone looks at me like there’s something wrong and treats me differently like I’m a vase made out of glass. Everything should be okay. But it’s not, and it sucks.

  • Shane June 5, 2018, 3:16 am

    I spent my whole life in fear at home because i was abused by my step dad he beat my mom and me a lot but it wasn’t like a personal thing he was just like that so I didn’t spend much time at home I hung out in a lot of places I shouldn’t have and wound up meeting a lot of bad people and doing a lot of bad things at an extremely young age I had no friends growing up I was bullied and beat up at school as well I’ve always been very small and overly friendly so some people take that as being obnoxious. I was cast out of my mom’s 2 years ago when I was a junior in high school and forced out on the street with just a GED now I’m attempting to go to college now for my combo welding cert and haven’t been able to land a job for almost 2 years I keep looking but nobody, nobody will let me work for them not even mcdonalds. I live in a 2 bedroom trailer with my dad (for how much longer is another story but fuck the IRS) and we can barely afford to eat let alone pay for school I’m an 18 year old virgin who can’t land a job and nobody cares about all I want is to become somebody decent that people can be proud of and make a good enough life to start a family so I can be a better parent to somebody than what I had. How am I a lazy piece of shit like everyone says and how do I change my situation its killing me writing this I try not to think too much about this stuff but oh my God being an adult sucks especially when you’re not ready and need just a little help and a little positive reinforcement

    • Shane June 5, 2018, 3:20 am

      I only wanted to vent a little I saw this was a forum for that sort of thing and I’ve been beating myself up all night its currently 4am Eastern standard *this message was sent via satellite uplink @H-town tejas

      • Caleb June 8, 2018, 9:41 pm

        You holding up ok?

  • Winnie June 5, 2018, 3:25 am

    The feeling of loneliness and not feeling loved has had a big impact on my life .
    I feel worthless but just trudge alone as this is expected of me.
    I’m alone and a failure I don’t see the point, life should be good with a few bumps along the way I feel like I’m fighting the world and just existing falling asleep seems the easiest thing in the world but waking up is .

  • Shane June 5, 2018, 3:27 am

    Goodnight my beautiful people your all wonderful human beings I love all of you as if I know you even if I haven’t read your thing just know I feel you and I love you

  • MIchelle June 6, 2018, 8:18 am

    I am one of the ranks. I keel working. I have bills to pay and responsibilities. I am committed, so I plod along. I have no interest, no joy, just responsibilites. I want to sleep forecver and have seriously considered hurting myself. I have some loving people in my life who are helping me I also have a therapist who is sticking with me. Maybe someday it will end, or something will.

  • Brittany June 6, 2018, 1:03 pm

    It’s nice to know that I am not alone in this. I can identify with everything described. The worst is the feeling of anger towards people who appear happy and who appear to have it all figured out. I notice that my depression is the worst when the sun hasn’t come out within a few days or during my period. You definitely need to actively try every single day to pull yourself out of it. It is challenging but you’ve got to press on. You’ve basically got to force yourself to fight it!

  • Caleb June 8, 2018, 9:37 pm

    I have no idea if you are still reading comments, but I wanted to thank you for this. Everything on this list is what I battle. Every. Single. Day.

    And I have been, for years. I honestly think I have been dealing with this since I was about twenty, but never knew what was wrong. I can function effectively; do my job, pay bills, get through the day, but there’s a ringing hollowness to all that I do.

    I experience moments of respite; those pure moments where I wake up with clarity and find actual glee in my creativity and writing, but a day or two later, the shoe drops and it’s back to that grinding regimen.

    My wife has asked me to go to the doctor and see if I fit into clinical depression, but I honest have never believed that. Those friends I have tend to label me as ‘cranky,’ ‘pessimistic,’ or ‘a downer,’ but I try to be happy, I just lack that enthusiasm. Even my normal hobbies; collecting comics, playing tabletop games, movies, or my passion for writing haven’t brought me any level of euphoria in years. As sappy as it sounds, the last true joyous day I remember is my wedding day; seven years ago.

    I say all that to say this; your article, while not fixing my issue, did bring me some relief. At least I know I’m not alone.
    It truly does feel good to know someone understands and knows what I’m going through.

  • Annette June 14, 2018, 11:29 am

    I don’t know how to be happy, I don’t remember what it feels like to not be deeply sad however none of my friends would ever guess how I feel because I’m funny and I make them laugh. I’m dead inside but no one knows, don’t know how much longer I can go on. There’s a hole inside me which cannot be filled.

  • SaeVonne Williams June 14, 2018, 5:28 pm

    Hello, I am a designer. I have a little girl 5 and son 3. I’ve admitted to myself so many times that I’m depressed but I don’t know what to do about it. Everyday I have to go on like nothing’s wrong and at the end of each day I feel worse. Thank you for sharing I’m going to read the book because as much as I want to be happy for the sake of my beautiful babies this mental illness will not let me be great and I’m trying my best. Thanks again!

  • Steve June 14, 2018, 5:58 pm

    I am depressed . I am worried about my son who has not been at school much over the past 18 months due to being ill and the health system and school system seems to just go through the motions concerning his wellbeing and future .

    I have had depression in the past and know what it is so I was stunned when this cycle of depression hit me like a train . But I knew with the worry of my son that it could be a possibility that depression would hit and it has .
    I hope to embrace it in order to come through it …..

  • Lexy June 16, 2018, 4:15 am

    Recently I always feel so sad and angry. I easily get mad even at the simplest things. I found myself comfortable alone in my room. Then, I would really feel so sad and sometimes I would breakdown and cry. The feeling of guilt and loneliness is getting to me.. I just wanna go out and have a drink but that won’t just work.. That is why I would just sleep the whole day if i could.. Then at night, i’ll find myself mesmerizing over the thoughts of “what if’s” and “it wouldn’t have to be like this like that”.. And that is when a sad music would help me to sleep.. It just feels bad that you wanted to talk to somebody but there aint nobody to talk to.. I even started to lose interest to the things I wanted to do ..So I started wondering if this is what they call anxiety or emotional stress or whatever you call it… I hope someone notices this..

  • Me June 18, 2018, 5:50 am

    For as long as I can remember, I have felt shame in my feelings. I’d get angry and distraught at thr drop of a hat. My father says he only hit me (we had physical punishment, not often, and not abusive) once, and he hadn’t since because even though it didn’t really hurt, I got so upset I vomited. Since then even then yelling and raising their voice put me in a panic attack, I’d start heaving I’d get so Upset. They didn’t think anything was wrong.
    I hit puberty at 9 years old while in elementary school, my body changed faster and different than everyone else in my classes and I got harassed frequently. I also was depressed, a lot.

    My hormones were insane, I’d cry and sit in bed all day staring at thr ceiling, have outbursts and binge ate, I ganed a lot of weight. My Mom and sister would nit pick everything I put in my body. This caused a type of body dismorphia for me and eventually I developed an ednos (eating disorder not Otherwise specified). They barely Noticed. It wasn’t until I wrote something saying i wanted to Kill myself on a writing blog site, which my family discovered through sketchy means, that they offered me counseling. But they offered it. To a 15 year old. I refused because I was ashamed that I was “broken” and that it would just cost them money.
    I attempted suicide not two year later. No one knows. I ended up vomiting anything I consumed because I was so upset I couldn’t keep anything down. I figured if I woke up in thr morning… I’d just continue on. And that’s what i did.

    It wasn’t until college I had the next /really/ bad breakdown And feelings of wanting to die. I thought I cost my friend his job, and was roped into stalking him With his ex (whose also My Friend, I never knew they broke up until they fought later that night). Neither of them would talk to me, and when I turned to my boyfriend for solice and support, he basically said it was my fault and offered very little Support at all. I stayed in bed without food for three days, constant migraines that made me u able to get out of bed. For those 36 hrs I was replaying EVERYTHING I did “wrong” in my life and that’s when thr idea I should just stop. Burdening those around me came into my head. It took a day of me trying to convince myself I didn’t want to die before I realized I did. I couldn’t take it so after. My. First class on thr fourth day I started therapy there for my last couple of months and it did really Help! But then I graduated.

    I never found another therapist, my gp tells Me Nothings wrong, my gyno blamed the hormones (which once I got Mirena, my hormones leveled out pretty well and my periods became normal [I had unpredictable menstrual cycles with heavy bleeding, blood clots, and disbilitating cramps])

    I felt. Okay for awhile. But now it’s getting kinda bad again. I have three weddings, I’m maid of honor for one of them and thr planning is making my Anxiety go Through thr roof. Of course after I get upset I’m Exhausted. And it hasn’t stopped since. I am always tired, always. I’m not not tired, just more tired or less tired. I’ve been binge eating again, which is making disordered thoughts to creep back up. I’ve gone 4 days without eating sometimes when I can’t fight it anymore. Ive lost interest in every I once loved. I don’t really want to do anything. I take no joy in thr things, people or places without help from a substance (cannabis being my go to. I don’t like drinking much and I’m Unmedicated). I’m unhappy. In work, I’m u happy in my art, I’m unhappy in my relationships. Especially my romantic relationship. Some days I wake up and think “I don’t love him like he loves me”. Its been very hard. Im kinda in the middle of this really dark time and this article is making me hope I can push myself to get help

  • Travis Wood June 18, 2018, 5:09 pm

    I am not happy, it’s hard to find happiness anywhere. I’m too afraid of suicide, so I hope often for a random accident or illness. Joy is hard-pressed to be found, and when I do find it I feel guilty. I do not want to be here anymore.

  • Matt June 21, 2018, 4:33 pm

    I’ve just stumbled onto this website from a google search. I’m currently in the process of a very nasty divorce from my wife and our innocent, wonderful children are unfairly stuck in the middle of a court case.

    Although I get up every day and continue my daily routine, this article has hit home to me. My wife suffers with sever depression as described above and I have supported her for many years but never have I thought that I may have depression.

    The problem is, I just can’t shake this sad feeling that makes me want to just stop and break down but, I don’t. I carry on ‘walking’. As mentioned, it was quite shocking how the subtle symptoms match my challenges that I face daily.

    The internal struggle that I’m trying to overcome is that, I am in the middle of that court battle, one which I am fighting just provide our children a safe and stable home. One which is full of so much hatred and anger. I would desperately love to seek support and help but right now, I can’t be seen as weak. As a father, I am already on the back foot and it’ seen as strange, that I would want to fight for my children. Personally I couldn’t understand any parent, mother or father who wouldn’t want to spend as much time as possible with their children.

    Whilst I know that getting help would ultimately make me a better person and a better father, right now if I admitted that I wasn’t coping and sought medical assistance then it would be used against me.

    So for now, to steal your phrase, I will continue ‘walking depressed’ but once this chaos is over and my children are safe, I will be the first in line to shout for help.

    • Nat July 10, 2018, 1:02 am

      Wow. This comment. I too, am in the divorce process. Although I have no children and am only in the beginning, legally, definitely not the beginning mentally, I can relate all too much. I don’t know if you’re of a spiritual background, but one thing that helped me was a group called DivorceCare at my church; however, that whole experience is TRULY dependent on what type and quality of counselors aka group leaders running it. As I said, I don’t have children, and honestly, I can’t imagine doing divorce with them. I hope your situation is starting to look up some from when you posted this comment- end June. Just my two cents though, I do understand putting YOURSELF off until big events are done and out of the way or just so you can salvage what energy you have for your kiddos during the process… BUT I will say that it might actually really help you to NOT put it off by choosing to continue in the walking depression temporarily, like you mentioned, because even if it’s just one appt. per week with a counselor it still helps TREMENDOUSLY to talk to someone about your whole scenario, someone professional and unbiased. Not to mention, as much adult interaction as possibly probably would be of benefit if you’re having to be a single parent at all. Good luck to you and God bless!

  • Mike June 22, 2018, 5:36 pm

    Reading some of these comments have really struck home to me. I found this page by simply googling why I’ve been feeling so alone and I’m kinda glad it’s taken me to this page because I don’t feel alone. I’m 27 years old and I have been dealing with sadness, depression, and anxiety all my life. I went through so much as a child that I guess my body is finally getting tired of masking all of my real emotions. I grew up with an absent father and a alcoholic mother growing up so not having the most two important people in my life has affected me in so many ways. I’ve preserved through my struggles as a child jumping from foster homes to foster homes and I’ve faught for my happiness all my life but I can’t seem to fight any longer. I moved out of my mothers house at the age of 17 … and I moved in with my girlfriends family who I’d only known for one year. And now here I am 11 years later with 2 beautiful children ages 7,4…. I’m blessed to say that my girlfriend of 11 years has stuck through my side through the ups and downs of life, Everything in my life has changed since turning 17 years old and for the better! I’m truly blessed with the outcome of my life regardless of my childhood trama!… but the whole in my heart still lies empty after the many blessing that I’ve gotten. Mainly because I feel like I’m missing my family. Although both of my parents are still well and alive I feel like I mourn there absence everyday….. mainly because the relationship between my parents and I isn’t there and it hurts me to the core to know that they don’t even bother visiting my kids yet alone myself…. when I moved out and started a new chapter in my life at 17, I made a promise to myself to move on and not harbor in any anger for the things my parents did. Which in all honesty I think I’ve done pretty good at it, but I’m starting to slowly shutdown. There’s days where I’m overwhelmed by sadness and there’s days where any little thing irritates me and anger gets the best of me. I want to be the best father to my children because I want them to have what I didn’t have but I’m starting to slip away in depression and it sucks…. i can’t function like “normal” people…. I strongly believe I’m beginning to suffer from depression/anxiety but I’m not the type to cry out for help. I usually just sink my emotions and mask them but like I’ve mentioned before, I feel like my body can’t handle the pain anymore. I hurt everyday for my family (my parents and siblings) as if I mourn for them but yet there alive. if that makes any sense….

    • Trudy June 25, 2018, 1:30 pm

      Yes! It does make sense! I always wanted a family when I grew up and never got one. Then I became a Christian and that separated me even more. But earlier than that, I was born 10 years later than everyone else and my dad left when I was 12 for another woman. My brother and sister were already married but I was left to see my mom suffer and to live my life without a father. YES, it is perfectly normal to mourn your family. Well, I didn’t read all of your comment but I so identified that I jumped on it. AND to top it off, I don’t have any children and they have plenty but my sister doesn’t share her family with me. Me and husband. I was also sexually molested by my Uncle. My mom’s brother. That put the icing on the cake. Family secret OUT>>>Oh well GOD is good and I am doing my job work today. Love you very much and I pray your heart is filled with love and angels. Bless you dear one. You are important.

  • Lakshay June 25, 2018, 9:21 am

    Some basic info:
    Male/23/Software Developer/India

    I can totally relate to the signs you mentioned above for walking depression. I also somehow try to just keep giving to all the people around me. I make decisions so that everybody stays happy. I rarely say or do something that other person might not like. I listen to people close to me and somehow they keep ranting about things not going okay in their life. And I don’t cut it out even when I feel completely irritated about their ranting. It is like I am done with giving myself to people and just finally want someone to do what I have been doing for others.

    To give a background, I did have a breakup which was not expected and was out of the blue for me. But it’s been nearly 8 months since that has happened and I resorted to crying for the initial part of it, then moving on to alcohol(this phase has passed too). But I am done with that and have been okay about it for past 4-5 months.

    I have good things going on for me professionally. My family is healthy and nearly everything is okay/good. But, I am just always sad. Nothing makes me go “Yeaay!”. I just feel like nothing matters. Like it’s all just useless.

    This is not who I really am. I don’t know why! 🙁

  • Trudy June 25, 2018, 1:25 pm

    I love this because I suffer with depression too. But I don’t want to suffer anymore. My trap and I hate to say it was the GOD centered life. Who was on first, who was on second, and what about me? To say in the least, I am grateful for my Savior who helped me out of a dark pit but that was 10 years ago and now I am ready to commit myself fully to my career and get on it. It is so hard getting stuck walking around the house. My mom died almost a year ago and it really took me for a spin, plus at the same time we moved from a sunny location to a rainy cold place. My family is not hear either. I don’t have any children and it is hard for me to motivate myself but I am doing it! It’s my life and I don’t have to help a darn soul right now except for me. I am pretty happy about that. I have been spinning in the hurt. It’s hard to get out. But I am doing it. I think that is what GOD would want for me and even if it’s not, I am doing it. Love y’all. Plus it was also unsuitable to complain even though it comes out. I am living my life.

  • Suzanne June 25, 2018, 3:22 pm

    I left a reply to an earlier comment from 2013, but felt the need to write again since the more recent comments are here towards the end. I am so amazed at how many people are struggling with the same feelings. I was a stay-at-home mom for many years and put a lot of myself into my kids. I kept a journal on Word for each of them that I would update periodically about what was going on in their lives. I started it when they were babies and finished it when they graduated high school. They do not know about it. I figure to give it to them after I’m gone. I also made scrapbooks for each of them, highlighting their school years and activities. I figured I’d give them each their scrapbook when they were older and settled; but now that we are not close, I have no idea when to do that. Their father got bored and unsatisfied with life as the breadwinner and life with me and left me 4 days before our 20th anniversary. The kids know this; yet somehow he’s managed to be ‘bff’s’ with them on social media and maintain close relationship, whereas my daughter won’t talk to me and my son visits out of guilt and a sense of doing what’s right. I think part of it is that he has money and uses it to buy his way into their lives, but he is also very manipulative and said or did something to cause them to feel sorry for him and forgive him for his part in the divorce.
    The whole situation really adds a lot to my depression. Before I met the wonderful man in my life now, I was always wishing I could be in a coma. Too afraid of suicide, I thought being in a coma would be the perfect solution. Not dead, so no one has to ‘mourn’, but not participating in the world since I feel like there’s no place for me anyway. I don’t want to be here–a sentiment I’ve seen over and over on this site and share…not every day, all the time, but A LOT. It’s scary when the few things that made you happy don’t make you happy anymore. What’s left? Trying to force yourself to keep going can sometimes feel like a monumental effort. I hate beautiful, sunny days because people are out and about enjoying them and I am not, so I feel guilty. I just want to be home, sometimes just in bed. I find myself waiting for something to happen…something that will make life seem more worthwhile and not such an effort.

    • Mark June 25, 2018, 9:45 pm

      Suzanne
      As the “Wonderful man” in your life, it has been apparent over the last two-and-a-half years that you live with/ manage/ suffer from very deep matters of the heart, soul and spirit that I will always be concerned with, because you are the answer to my prayers about very similar subjects.
      I know that I’m not in any way qualified to handle helping you with the manifestations of these influences over your well-being but you hopefully know that over and above all else you are loved very deeply and very completely. There should always be a source of comfort to anyone feeling so negatively, whether it’s with someone special, or God, or some special calling. There is such a need for compassion in this world and I will say that for every ounce of depression or guilt (which I don’t won’t ever doubt the veracity of) there can be an equal response. The readers of this post should know that there is hope, in one way or another, for anyone feeling so disconnected with the beauty of Life. If nothing else I am here for you as you’ve been for me. That means the world to me, and so do you.

  • Enaila B M June 26, 2018, 12:06 am

    Hi, there’s a reason why I am here at your site making comments upon reading this article. I am a mom of 2 (a toddler and a baby) with relationship with my husband on the rocks. A department head/ manager with personnel under me, I find my work unfulfilling and would like to quit. I don’t know exactly what to do but days have been dragging. Work can be a refuge since the house is chaotic, but I always feel empty when I am at the office. I just want to disappear in thin air,

  • Kiara June 28, 2018, 6:20 am

    Thank you. I really needed this.

  • Sam July 4, 2018, 4:58 pm

    Hey. I’m a teenaged girl and I have what seems to be major depression. It’s the first time in my family and I don’t know how to tell anyone. I also have strong anxiety and these things are seriously making it hard to live. As in, I don’t want to do anything, nothing’s enjoyable, I have this constant feeling that something’s wrong and that I can’t do anything without plaguing thoughts of things that are going wrong in my life. I feel like I’m so behind, but I don’t even want to get out of bed. My head always kills and I can’t even get myself to do things I really love, like my artwork. My family is really strict, and if I don’t get on getting into college they’re going to kill me. They don’t take things like mental illness seriously, and even if they did, I don’t want people feeling sorry for me all the time. I’m hitting some seriously low points and I can’t do anything. I wan’t to end my life, but I can’t because I’m too scared. I don’t know what to do.

    • letmetellyouastory July 6, 2018, 12:03 pm

      The stage of life you’re at right now is really hard. I’m sorry you have to go through it with what sounds like an unsupportive family. But, college may be good if only because most colleges offer free mental health resources… therapy and escape. Do you have any friends that you trust? Maybe that’s a better route. People you’re close to probably understand because they’re also experiencing some of it as well. I promise, the first sentence is the hardest part. “I think I’m depressed.” It’s only four words. Seventeen letters and one special character. It will want to stop itself on the inside of your teeth. But- if you find one friend, or aunt or uncle or teacher even. One person and manage to say it, I think things will get better. <3 if nothing else, I hope you read this comment and feel a little less alone. I've been there. And it sucks. But deep breath, one day at a time, and you're not alone.

    • kratika October 30, 2018, 11:51 am

      hey i dont know who you are i just read your comment and i just want to tell you this that its just a phase in our life it will pass away all you have to do is just keep hoping and make efforts daily so that we can make our day happier its not like everyone always have happiness in their life they also have sorrow sadness but still they hope that that the next day will be different i am gonna do something which is gonna make a change in my life maybe i fail but thats okay that is suppose to happen but i will not give up and i will keep going until i found the true meaning of happiness

  • letmetellyouastory July 6, 2018, 11:56 am

    I’mm glad I found this page. It took three years before I actually found a name for this… experience. My best friend has clinical depression and in the face of that, I knew there was no way that fit what I felt. I got up. I go out, I play games, I do projects (at a crawl, that whole idea of putting things you make last… I didn’t even realize it was related). I socialize and make friends, I admin an active online group. I talk to people. I smile and do chores.But I’ve not been happy for a long time. the one time I tried to tell that best friend that I was feeling real low I was told that “This is the lowest you’ve ever been, and it doesn’t even touch the surface of how low I feel all the time.” I didn’t realize just how bitter I was about that until twenty minutes ago, when after doing chores to make my house presentable, I sat in he hallway on the floor and cried because off how monumentally lost and alone and sad I felt. I think God for my dog, who sat with me until I got up and started moving around again.
    She doesn’t understand there are so many more facets than just the one she goes through.
    She doesn’t see how I wake up exhausted, and how my fun projects sit aside for months. How I will hear a song and be in a funk all week, but smiling, smiling, smiling.
    But in the end I go on because if I stop- I might disappear.

  • Willsgonewild July 7, 2018, 11:46 pm

    I’m 12 I feel like I have nothing in life but keep moving anyway in school my grades dropped and I can’t get a girlfriend it feels like the world is against me my sister has perfect grades I work hard at home and it feels like I get no credit but when she picks up a single floor she gets rewarded I think I eventually spiraled into walking depression as it feels pointless

  • Mike July 10, 2018, 7:52 pm

    Well I’m having another one of my “dark episodes” again and it sucks…. I’m tired of the highs and lows of depression or what ever it is that I have. It sucks because I’m not the type of person to seek for mental help because I feel like there’s honestly no help out there. So I rather just get on here and wright my feelings out since I can’t talk to anyone about them. Like I said I don’t know what I have but I’m tired of the highs and lows. I can go for days, sometimes months feeling fine, then BAM! I hit to my lowest point and my emotions are all over the place. In times like these all I like to do is to be left alone but at the same time I get lonely. I know it makes no sense. Ugh. I hate these feelings.

  • THIM Jefferson July 10, 2018, 9:13 pm

    I appreciate all of your opinions and information that may help someone with depression….BUT your first paragraph was extremely pretentious and self righteous. You’re saying that you meant for this to be for artists and writers as if depression was something strictly given to people of artistic minds. You put the second sentance in to cover your bases but it comes across in an underhanded tone. I am merely posting this for you to see how only a few words can remove more than half of your base audience. Your editors believe in segregating your audience. It’s a shame. Aside from the poor intro, I think you’re doing a great job with the resources you have.

  • Jac July 11, 2018, 9:29 pm

    I don’t understand what I’m doing. I’ve dealt with myself for years now. With the repetitive cycle of counseling and medication since I was 13 I’ve felt like I lost a part of myself. I have more great days now but I have the few devastating nights. There’s too many things to think about since I’m growing up. I’m watching everyone grow around me and I can’t move. I’m smarter than the average person and I’ve always been that way but I can’t handle responsibility or the thought of almost being an adult. I’m scared that what I’ve experienced has hindered my ability to handle this world. My family loves me completely but most of them don’t understand that someone as young as myself can be sad. I’m just trying to make myself better because I know that what I’m feeling isn’t normal. I used to decribe this feeling as if I was being suffocated by an alien in my brain who is the nightmare version of myself. I’m not going to lie I’ve improved dramatically since I was younger but I still feel the cloud that follows me everywhere I go. One thing I can say about my experience is that it’s given me a strong sense of empathy and patience. Everyone has their own issues and many don’t acknowledge that. I’ve learned that people are the way they are because of their environment and what they too have experienced. It’s okay to be forgiving to the people that can live without forgiveness.

  • Renee July 16, 2018, 10:05 am

    I am currently going through this and hope to get help from giveanhour.org because I can’t fully afford a therapist. I have a crafting business that I’m hanging onto by a thread because I don’t have enough joy to even finish projects and release new items. I’m a newlywed and my depression makes my husband sad because he doesn’t like to see me in this state. Favoritism heavily exist in my family, especially on my father’s side. They couldn’t care any less about what I’m going through, but they’ve helped other family members who had depression because of their popularity. I cry very often and have a hard time accepting mistakes I’ve mad in the past. I’m very distant and have no interest in making friends or communication. I hate sitting in my home all day, yet despise being in public at the same time. It’s taking a toll on me. I’m having the hardest time finding a great job in my field because the market here completely sucks. For the past few months, I’ve had to settle for mediocre jobs just to keep money coming in while running a craft business that’s barely earning revenue. Yeah, my family barely supports it. Sometimes, I ask God to take me away from here and other days I’m okay enough to be productive. Dealing with depression is difficult. I have so much potential and talent, yet I’ve been overlooked almost my entire life. If it wasn’t for having a supportive husband, I probably would’ve resorted to a much darker place. I don’t want that and need to seek help.

  • Teresa Witman July 18, 2018, 11:27 pm

    I’m so sad, I’ve had 3 children and no longer feel pretty. My husband never tells me I’m beautiful, I feel so ugly and unwanted. Anytime I say anything he makes me feel so stupid like I’m the bad guy in our marriage. I love him but I’m no longer in love with myself.

  • Truth Is July 20, 2018, 6:51 am

    Growing old all alone without a wife and family is much worse, especially for us single good men that never met the right good woman to settle down with.

  • Joe Doyle July 22, 2018, 3:48 am

    I really enjoyed reading this article, especially the simple idea of walking depression.

    Before my 21st birthday in 1999, I became so depressed that it led to a natural high and bipolar 1 diagnosis. Up until 2016 only a few knew. I wrote songs. I generally enjoyed life. Work was alright. I had a few close friends. I was lonely for something else and relationships were rarely good or great. I married in 2009. Though we can be good together, some of our similarities / personality traits, e.g. irritability, moodiness, mean we argue.

    In February 2016 I went off work sick & declared my condition. Since then my songwriting was reborn, I added a few more close friends & eventually got out of a unsuitable sales job. During this time I’ve done CBT, mindfulness, counselling & tried very hard to ‘change’.

    In April I felt great & though I was cured of depression and anxiety. I wrote about it in an unfinished journal of prose and poetry, ‘The Tidal Wave’. When I came back down, I felt sadder. I realised in May that my doctor accidentally gave me diazepam instead of temezepam.

    After spending two hours believing that I could change into a better version of me, I’m not there as quickly as I thought. Maybe I still have bad habits or people in my life that don’t help me. I guess I’m still a walking depression or ‘walking wounded’ (Canadian band The Tea Party). I’m trying to accept the long-term impact of decisions upon where I am. Things and people in my present life remind me that this won’t be easy. I will learn from the lessons of my life, especially from the kind, positive words that came with that tidal wave.

  • Nagua July 23, 2018, 4:16 am

    As I read this my eyes are welling up and my heart is aching. It’s been a while since I have enjoyed eating; painted a picture; partook in regular exercise. I make effort to try to connect with my family, try to remember positive emotions but I struggle to react positively or negatively. I am surrounded by wonderful friends and a loving family but feel truly alone…no one would want to know how I feel or what I’m going through. Everyone has their own stress and busy lifestyles, why burden others with something so seemingly unworthy.

  • Some random teanager July 28, 2018, 6:35 pm

    I feel like I experience a lot of those factors. I feel like not sleeping due to the thoughts I think when I’m laying down so I stay up to about three or four each night. Self distain is something I struggle with. I dislike a lot about me and constantly compare myself to other girls saying I want to be like them though I don’t try because I feel as though it’s a loss cause and no one would care anyways. I worry about my future thinking that the path I’m going on isn’t the right one and/or it’ll all crumble the second I start to believe it won’t. I feel emotionally paused. I’m still just a highschool teenage girl so I deal with school. I’m not nessissarilly bullied but had to deal with a lot in gym as the boys constantly picked on us girls for not being able to do what they can and it hurt my self esteem a lot. But I couldn’t cry at it. I did once but I’ve stopped. I began repressing tears. At certain times I want to cry but can’t because there are people around. When I’m finally alone and think I finally can, they just won’t come so it’s a build up of stress. I don’t know what to do anymore…

  • frank troina July 29, 2018, 9:32 am

    my wife died 12 years ago i am 72 now i still work.i resent seeing married people happy i know it is wrong but i felt like that once and feel cheated.i have two faces the one that people see during the day and the one when i am alone.

  • Kemi July 30, 2018, 12:59 am

    I am so unhappy. I am actually A walking depression! I feel I do not have a choice and most of the time I am caught in a corner. I hate my life. I am actually looking forward to my dying day. I am only doing what I need to do because I have 2 kids. A 17 year old and an 8 year old. Both boys. I am traditionally married but I HATE my husband. I feel like he is the big part of my happiness. I cry every morning before I go to work and at night its a bit better. I have just applied and got accepted at for a job I do not want. The thing is that I was being retrenched so I applied for a job and I got it. Now I should be happy but I am so depressed and regret applying for it in the first place, though I know I applied because I do not have a choice. My husband doesn’t work and doesn’t want to work. I have two boys that deserve a better life. I just can’t do this for long. I am so so so unhappy.

  • I just need help. July 30, 2018, 11:50 pm

    I want help.
    I need help.
    But I’m afraid to admit I’m depressed, And I’m so disappointed and disgusted of myself that it’s almost as if I don’t want to live to feel this pain. As a kid I was always the sweetest, loving kid, every time you saw me I had a smile on my face. I don’t want to be depressed anymore. I want to be happy again… i have everything I could ever want in life, but my depression seems to make everything pointless and hopeless.
    I
    JUST
    WANT
    TO
    BE
    HAPPY
    again…

  • The Phantom August 7, 2018, 4:55 pm

    When I googled depression, I was only curious about the possibility of me being depressed, then I found this, the first paragraph had me strongly considering and now that I finished and got down here…I admit it and I think whats worse than matching all the symptoms word for word is that a part of me knew that the potential existed, tried to embrace it as “being down sometimes” no, I realize now that it is more frequent and feels like an entity all it’s own.

    Every day going out to a gig a day, making money that I know will all go to bills, a partner who does not support my creativity but rather always tries to get something out of it for her, a job I don’t want, i’ll start soon only to compel her to stop her naysaying, her parents who heckle from the sidelines, and these other people who do minimum work and make a lot of money (game streamers), I can’t help but feel a hatred for them all, but worse, a desire to see them at the bottom of the pile, reaching out for help from me and I refuse with a smile.

    “This is not me” says a part of me, that particular thought seems so obscured like inside a heavy mist or a low resolution picture. I keep thinking it has to get better, if I work harder than surely it HAS to turn around. I’m tired, I feel it in my being, i’m 25 but depression makes me feel like i’m 80 and gray. I am strong but I feel that my limit steadfastly approaches and i’m fresh out of positive influences.

    It’s pain to watch everyone be merry while you’re sitting in a corner and everyone thinks you’re fine, they can’t hear me and I can’t tell them how to stop me from cracking, because I don’t know either. It feels like everyone is a different rat in a wheel, running till we die, our stories meaningless, our experiences and those we’ve met and loved following after or sometimes before.

  • Tristan Dersham August 8, 2018, 4:49 pm

    I get by just fine in life, and I know people are worse off. I often feel like I need to just get over my sadness or that i’m just being sensitive. The truth is though I feel like a waste of space. I don’t do anything meaningful, I feel restless all the time but I don’t know what I want to do and when I try to do something I get bored and lose interest. I’m really lonely too and even with my friends I feel like they don’t care about me. I’m quiet and get talked over a lot. When i’m alone in an environment with other people it makes me worse because I feel lonely and I want to also have fun with friends and talk. I feel like a failure because I’m lazy and can’t find things to keep me busy, especially cause there is stuff I could be doing that meaningful but I can’t get myself to do it. I can’t even do stuff I like anymore cause I’m just tired of it. My old coping habits for my negative thoughts and loneliness were doing the things I like and now I can’t even do that. I’m also worried about the future has I will be going to college soon and I want to leave these feelings behind and just feel better but I can’t get the energy to change.

  • Dillon August 21, 2018, 7:01 pm

    This whole thing described me to a T…
    I’ve got some complications to it though.
    I’ve been moving for years, never able to move out of my mom’s house for long before conditions force me to move back. Getting kicked out for reasons I don’t even understand sometimes – I was framed for stealing at the last place I lived, with people who were all my best friends. Before that I got kicked out of my room at the same place for telling someone’s personal secret because I couldn’t stand holding it in any more. It was killing me, and I didn’t even say what I needed to – I just sounded like an arrogant douche and sounded proud of everything. I wasn’t. I just didn’t know how to say what I needed to and I couldn’t stop spilling my guts, but trying to sound cool and calm about it instead of showing how upset I was. I wanted to cry all day that day, and I cried for an hour driving home the night before.

    When it finally did all come out I came off even worse because I couldn’t even explain it. I just started crying in front of everybody while they’re having this “family meeting” to basically call me out in front of the whole house. Of course I’m going to start crying.

    Of course that came off like I’m just crying because I was caught.

    Was I? Yes and no. I also hurt someone pretty badly, and I could feel the betrayal. I knew it before that was even brought up. I knew it before the “meeting”, and really saw it coming when I was running my stupid mouth.

    I knew it when I told the secrets. I couldn’t stop it. Like watching someone else pilot my body and crumble everything to dust. A delicate feeling I needed to share with someone and I blew it out like an accomplishment.

    That I could get over, I knew it was happening anyway. I might have done it so I could break my attachment to this person. He was taken – another roommate was his girlfriend. I don’t know why I told his secret, but I just wanted closure. Either a friend or a lover, but nothing in between where his heart belongs to someone else.
    Maybe that’s why I did it – and things seemed to be getting better, until I was framed.
    I still firmly believe that his girlfriend, and the friend I told were the ones who framed me. She knows how to manipulate a conversation and twist your words against you. She would say things like “you’re only crying because you were caught” or “that’s what you would say if you’re lying” – even had something to say because I had LITERALLY NO EXPLANATION FOR WHAT HAPPENED. She even accused me of cursing her! (we both practice DIFFERENT forms of religious ritual Magick. oh yeah she’s apparently the “queen of the night” 🤢) “I’ve felt your little attacks but I’ve strengthened my shield bla bla bla”. SHE WOULDN’T FXXXXNG KNOW WHAT HIT HER IF I TRIED.

    Well anyway somehow stuff comes up “stolen” because it’s in my car that everyone has access to. THE ONLY CAR IN THE HOUSEHOLD THAT THEY COULD USE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP.

    Oh and I had a storage unit a mile away FYI. Much better to keep the stolen goods OUT OF THE FXXXXNG PUBLIC CAR I would think.

    The only other thing “stolen” – weed – was from her and another roommate and never came back up. I wonder if she thought about the other person who paid for it when she was smoking it at work to screw me.

    What bothers me the most is that he (the guy I actually did betray) still thinks I’m a thief and a complete piece of shit. Things were starting to be OK after the first incident and I was beginning to come out of my depression when it all went down.

    Oh they waited until she got a new ride too. Can’t be now obviously planned than that. They literally waited until they didn’t need me any more.

    I didn’t do everything he thinks I did (I never told one lie to anyone in that house)

    And what I did do was already out in the open, and I couldn’t bring myself to explain why. I couldn’t tell him I had real feelings toward him and it was torture because I knew it would only push us apart. I had to break off emotionally, and I was starting to
    I didn’t have to keep living with them, but it’s like losing a best friend that you feel that you’ve known forever. I just want to hang out again and play games.

    It’s not the first time a guy has picked a girl over me though, and she was controlling and scary. I can’t even be mad at him, but I just want him to know all the things I couldn’t say so he won’t hate me.
    Guys just always tend to pick girls and I end up feeling like a used plaything again… Even when I try so hard to take the high road, even when I don’t do anything wrong at all. Just a wrong text or trying to show any real affection beyond sex has made people leave so many times and I can’t even bring myself to try any more. I’ve been depressed for years and I don’t think they understood it wasn’t always about THEM when I just locked myself up in the room or went to bed to avoid being social.

    I really need someone to talk to more.

  • Brenda August 24, 2018, 8:09 am

    Mine started when my home burnt down. Then I couldent get on my feet. Then I retired now I feal no self worth, as this morning I woke making poems of dying and no would care like I have to reason to go on this has been 4 yrs and I just wish at times I had the courage to end it all Just tired of life and no she’s this for it’s all inside me

    • Brenda August 24, 2018, 8:12 am

      Poems of dying in my head I woke up fealing useless with nothing to live for in the mornings it really hits me

  • Amelie August 30, 2018, 4:37 pm

    I’ve never read something that accurately describes the way I’m feeling. THIS IS IT. I joke and say that I don’t have writer’s block…I have writer’s CHOKE. I feel like I’m choking. I can barely work at my “regular” job, I can’t finish any writing, nothing tastes good, I look at people that I know and love and I still feel alone, misunderstood. I’m feeling irrational resentment towards people I like and love who are meeting with success…when, once upon a time I would’ve popped champagne bottles for them and cheered them on. I DON’T want to be alone, but when I’m around others, I just want to runaway. And I don’t know how to make this better.

  • Patricia September 4, 2018, 1:05 pm

    This article is so me! I never felt comfortable telling people how I feel because I couldn’t really articulate it, and to look at me, you wouldn’t think there was anything wrong because I am not outwardly losing it. Thank you for the insight.

  • Helpless September 19, 2018, 10:56 pm

    Hey,
    How about , I go to bed at night, and I say to myself, hopefully tonight, then I wake in the morning and I dislike that I didnt go in the night,
    Have felt this way for several years and I’m 24

  • David September 29, 2018, 10:51 pm

    I have days that are genuinely good, and there are things I genuinely enjoy. But probably about 2/3 of my days are floating somewhere between okay and desperately sad. I have social media habits that keep me from going to bed when I should, so I’m constantly tired and blaming myself for it. When I’m depressed, it takes a toll on my girlfriend, and I fear that the depression will chase her away just like it did my previous girlfriend. I see a therapist every couple weeks, but mostly she just recommends the same coping strategies that I can but rarely get myself to do in the moments when they would be helpful. Perhaps at the root of it all is that I define my worth by what I accomplish, and I fail every day to accomplish everything I “should,” including figuring out how to convince myself that my worth is based on something else. So every day I’m failing and several days a week I’m not worth somebody’s time, and I’m not worth loving, and I don’t love myself, which (I have found) makes it really difficult to love others. I know I need to change this mode of thinking, but it’s so deeply programmed into me, I don’t know how.

  • Fin Amsden October 2, 2018, 8:11 am

    After I turned 12 I just felt sad about school and I feel like I never want to go there again. Even when I’m not thinking about school and I think about something I enjoy it makes me feel sad.

  • HAUNTXR October 10, 2018, 8:43 pm

    A sense of dissatisfaction of life, engulfed by a black flame of hate towards the corruption humanity is causing idc how god damm happy anyone is cause my goal is to see everyone happy while I’m alone in solitude that woudnt be so bad woudnt it regardless of which i very very much dislike humans in general

  • Ash October 13, 2018, 6:45 am

    My name is Ash. I am a musician and have a great and busy life. I am still performing at 74, but all my life I have suffered with depression and health anxiey. I am sick of it,but keep on rockin’ anyway! What else can you do? Help someone!!

  • Gabriella October 15, 2018, 4:13 pm

    I am exhausted. Sometimes I just want to go to to sleep & not wake up…. not to die but just not exist. So I don’t have to pretend. So I don’t have to be anything to anyone.
    I have been incredibly hurt, let down & appallingly treated by those closest in my life, by those I have given everything, given up things in my life to be there for them, for those I have cradled through hard times, for those who I adore but who have hurt me so deeply I feel I may never get back my bubbly, trusting, kind soul I was… because it is beyond me to understand their actions.
    The hurt…. it is buried so deep, it feels like it’s in my bones. And the anger, it strangles everything… even the good times.
    I am absolutely devestated, disillusioned and depleted. I have nothing left to give. And even if I did have, I don’t want to give anymore. What for??? And, for someone whose nature it is to be big hearted, love passionately, whose thoughtful & kind, it is another thing I carry…. the guilt of my weakness to allow them such control over me.
    Noone would know, noone would know what simmers under the smile I squeeze out for their benefit. I say that all I want is peace. I do. That I want happiness. And that is so absolutely true. But, there is a horrible part of me, a part that never once existed, that wants “those” people who hurt me to hurt back, for others to really see who they are, to see how I’ve been treated, for them to be held to account, to make them wear the shame they should & not just say sorry & carry on with life without missing more than a few steps, while I still hurt.
    I can’t forgive them. It’s not possible because I still can’t understand or accept their behaviour. I never will. And when I forgive I always let the walls that protect me down and I get trampled over & over again. Forgiving, giving more chances…. that’s whats got me in this mess. I was too nice. Too compassionate. Too accepting. Too stupid & niave. I can’t & won’t do that anymore, because I don’t know that I can sustain it, and I know what will happen if I get hurt again…. the little light that have left in me, that is my guide to get me back, will be snuffed out, and I might be broken for good. Then I’ll have nothing left of who I am. Nothing to remind me if who I want to be again.

    • Janett October 18, 2018, 8:34 am

      Gabriela, I just wrote a comment about myself and read up to bump into yours right on top. I feel your pain and I know it sucks. I’m feeling it right now. You just want to feel appreciated and whoever is not providing that after you have told them is just not worth it. It’s not us, it’s them but we have to make a decision for ourselves to get us out of those situations or people that bring us down like that. I know it’s easier said than done, I say it but I don’t do anything about it because I’m afraid, of what? I don’t know, maybe it’s just a matter of comfort but it’s wrong. I feel that if I free myself from that person, I will be able to breath again, but then I feel what if I don’t. Even though we know it’s not our fault, I feel I need help. I need to see a doctor, get some pills atleast to help me deal with these feelings and then come off of them once I feel good and those negative people around me are gone. I hope you get the help you need so you can get past this feeling you have inside because I know that we can geniunly be that lucky go happy person we were naturally. Sorry if I keep referring to you as us, it’s just that the way you feel, is exactly how I feel. Life is too good for us to be feeling this way, we know what it’s like to feel free and I think we know deep inside what we have to do, and we will get there. Stay strong.. I know I will continue fighting for my happiness and I know you can too. Sending you the biggest hug in the entire world! XOXOXOXOXOXO

  • Janett October 18, 2018, 8:22 am

    I’ve always been a generally happy person, always smiling at others, saying thank you, please, being very kind, generous and always show gratitude. I’m still that way on the outside, but lately I’ve been feeling off. I don’t take care of myself, I wake up in the morning super tired, I don’t want to do the chores I need to do even though I still manage to do them, sometimes I feel like crying for no reason, I get frustrated, I never want to do anything just be home, I enjoy caring for my plants more than going any where or playing with my daughter. I have no suicidal tendencies but I feel a little lost and it sucks. I’m married with 2 kids and a few days ago I went to my 16 year olds bedroom and just started to cry, I told her I didn’t know why I was crying, like I’m doing right now and as easy as that I just stop crying and go back to what I need to do. Caffeine helps me feel better. I’ve had spousal disappointments, i have a child with autism but she’s a happy kid and possibly the only thing that keeps me super happy, but she has ADHD so it’s a little hectic some times. i’m working part time to care for her and my teenager, i’m short on money alot, even though my husband helps me but it’s not the same. I don’t know what’s going on with me but it sure feels like this walking depression thing…Feels good letting this out. Bye 🙂 XO

  • Deni October 18, 2018, 2:00 pm

    I am walking depressed. I have no emotional support, I have no love in my life, I have lived through a lot of trauma and kept going, staying strong, afraid to break. Now i’m broken at 42 years old & I have nothing left in the tank. It happened when I moved to a new city in another country by myself to start anew.
    The trauma final caught up with me and I’m glad because now I have to really deal with it there is no escape. I only survived life, I have never thrived or flowed and I am a creative person..so now I try and fix my broken heart, mind and soul….wish me luck 🙂

  • Max October 20, 2018, 1:38 am

    It’s nice to see that people have overcome this. I have struggled with heavy drugs of all sorts for quite some time. I should really say struggled with how I feel in the world. I had three years sober at one point and was less depressed for some period of time. I have been in and out of the program and there is what they call a spiritual solution. I do feel somewhat better practicing a program and helping others, but i can’t deny that it’s a daily fight to just keep moving forward. I strongly believe I will never kill myself. I couldn’t put my family through the pain and I havent come this far to give up if it’s the last thing I’m saying when I’m old (assuming I don’t relapse and overdose). I pretend to be happy most of the time. I don’t like to put others in any kind of mood really. I’m very introverted but try to be social and have some friends. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the former drug use or I just have a chemical imbalance aside from the goals to should step up to. So here I say okay…, “Goals. Once I reach this goal or that goal I’ll be happy.” I feel like this is a never ending cycle for Its impossible for me to compare to others. I will always be discontent in some sort of way. The program tells me I’m selfish and that all I can think about is myself which makes me miserable in result. It may be true but I hate it. I’d like to think I’m decently humble. Here is where I support the program for saying In order to quit thinking about yourself you need to help someone else. They say I’m an addict and I will have to do this program the rest of my life. Which I wouldn’t mind if I was truly happy. I guess ultimately the program helped saved my life for I don’t use anymore, and the purpose is to help others. As you can see, I drive myself nuts with this shit. I’m 26, back In school, work on the weekends, shouldn’t complain because I have a great family, a car, my own place, not in jail, no more track marks, off Probation, food to eat, friends who I think like me. I definitely shouldn’t get into a relationship if I can’t have a relationship with myself, but I get lucky every once in a while after serious left and right rejection. I’m a great looking guy, just a bit awkward and 5’7. If the drugs still worked and I wasn’t such junkie about it I would use probably. The drugs don’t work and they bring me to very dark places so I’ve managed to get some school hours and I have about a year and a half left to get my bachelors in psychology with no idea what I’m going to do with my left. I also have no idea what programs would accept for my masters because my GPA is shit. Somewhat proud I have gotten this far, just wish I didn’t feel like I was the only one who was depressed. The gym can temporarily work during the day if I’m obsessing about something while I’m exercising. Listen, I could go on…. I haven’t even told you my story.

  • Blessing Eseleose October 26, 2018, 4:55 am

    Hi. I totally recognise the signs you described above. It’s making me go crazy and less interested in living as the day goes. I guess all these must have resulted from having an unsupportive family, careless parents and verbally abusive mum. Now I’m graduating from the university, what I’m supposed to be happy about I feel so numb even though I’m graduating with a second class upper. I’m so scared of going out there into the world because I’m so unproductive and I can’t stand a harsh environment. I have had consistent disappointment from friends and people who are supposed to be family to me. Ive had forms of abuse and an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship which i refused to let go off so my life dont seem empty. I’m usually filled with anger and guilt most of the time and I also feel like I have had my heart ripped off. I’m usually uncomfortable around my family and find it very difficult to believe they mean well for me. I have tried seeking help but it’s not been working. I’m so drained now. The only reason I haven’t taken to suicide even though I have been contemplating it is that I fear spending time in hell. I feel trapped because of that so I manage to convince myself not to. Right now I’ve not left bed and have no energy to fix a normal day. I so hate this!

  • Carrie November 2, 2018, 9:47 am

    There’s so, so much of this that I relate to, but I’m so young. I’m in high school and I’ve been having these feelings on and off since the 7th grade, lately more than ever. Usually it has to do with stress from school or my lack of relationships, so I’ve always seriously doubted that I’m depressed or anything like that. Lately there have been so many “fun” events that I’ve been a part of for Halloween and homecoming, and every single one I’d get to a point where I just feel low and sad and bitter and jealous and completely alone in the world. I’ll get a million questions of “are you okay” from people who hardly care. I’ll preform poorly because of my attitude. Anyway, what I mean to say is that I feel all of these things, but I don’t know if they’re just hormones and I can’t afford therapy, nor can I tell my parents. I just don’t know what to do to feel content again.

  • Alec November 5, 2018, 10:01 pm

    You make it sound so easy. Like it was just something you could turn off. Sometimes you cant. I’ve tried my whole life to. Today while I was at work I received a summons for an 8k medical bill I cant pay. I’m behind on everything else. My car keeps breaking down. I just worked the only day I would of had off. I got in a fight with my gf and as I write this. I’m sitting in my car after almost getting a DUI. Go me. I just got a 120 dollar ticket. My fault I know. I took off out off the drive way mad and didn’t make it a block before getting pulled over. Even the cop could see how messed up I am. And I dont mean the alcohol. I’ve got two kids that drive me crazy. My girl does too. My daughter wont stop screaming. My step son comes back from his dad’s worse every time and my other daughter I’ve only seen twice since she was born. She’s 4 now. As for creativity…..for me is fighting….or training….it makes me feel good….hard work is all I’ve ever known. I gave up chasing my dream to be a fighter for this….and I DO hold resentment about it…..I’m a terrible bf and a worse dad. I’m not just saying that. I AM. I’m mean. I dont want to be. I just am. I’m getting more aggressive with my girl and kids by the day which makes me feel even worse. Its not something you just turn off…I’ve tried….I am trying….sometimes you cant change you. I wish i could cuz i dont like me. Everything hurts all the time inside and out….I dont want to wake up anymore but I feel forced to….I’m tired….so tired….for some people its easier but not for me…..For me its everyday no matter what I do….sometimes all you can do is just wake up tomorrow

  • Loreen Dall November 6, 2018, 1:59 pm

    Over the last 14 years I devoted my life to my children with ADHD and my husband with what I thought was depression and anxiety turned out to be a hidden addiction. Throughout this time I gave and gave of myself because I saw my family needed my strength and support. When I learned of the addiction my whole world shattered. I felt that I had been used, taken for all I was worth and there was nothing left for me. I am currently on my journey to finding myself again, while feeling depressed and a burden on my family. No one has ever really supported or encouraged my creativity, it was always more of a stress to them than anything, so finding love in being creative is hard for me. I hope your book will guide me back to peace within myself and to love my creativity again. Thank you for sharing. Loreen

  • Mary November 7, 2018, 4:33 am

    Looks or acts sad most of the time
    Cries often
    Can’t feel any emotions (positive or negative)
    Can’t get out of bed or leave the house
    Can’t work
    Can’t take care of themselves or others
    Thinks or talks about suicide

    That’s me right now. I’ve hit rock bottom before but feel like I’m bottoming out. I’m not depressed for no reason. I have reasons. I also have many reasons to be grateful. Something is desperately wrong. And I’m a mum. I’m scared to talk to someone about how I really feel as I’m in charge of a minor. I don’t want interference. I’ve been here before. I’ve been in worse states but this is going on and on. Your site is helpful. Thank you.

  • Chris November 12, 2018, 9:26 am

    Just reached 72 and want to cry. Do not feel creative anymore. Just want to sleep. People think I am fine. Put others first and have lost my way. Your article has given me food for thought and I am going to take this on board. Thank you so much.

  • Geneva November 12, 2018, 7:35 pm

    New York City is the utmost worst place on Earth. This shitty, disaster of a hell hole has led many to depression and deteriorating mental health or outright stunted mental growth. New York City only serves to exacerbate pre-existing, underlying mental health issues. Not even just that, if you were once a bubbly, sunny, people oriented social butterfly, New York City will turn you into the exact opposite. Whose bright idea was it to start/create this shitty cesspool? It is truly a sore in America and needs to implode on itself. I hate New York City and no one who values their health should ever consider supporting and/or condoning that place let it alone living there.

  • R November 17, 2018, 2:04 pm

    This is quite simply the best piece that I’ve found in relation to depression – EVER! It captures the feelings and emotions of the living depressed. I’m not an artist or a creative but what you say resonates so strongly that it completely makes sense to me because I understand those feelings so well. It helps me to recognise the feelings that I endure everyday. Thank you is all I can muster right now through the desperate sadness.

  • Chelsey November 17, 2018, 8:49 pm

    Whale hello there. My name is Chelsey and I am depressed. For sure depressed after reading this article like and a few others and also having 1 of my super close friends come out to me that, yes, I am depressed. And that felt great to hear. But also, like the jig is up, yeah know? So that’s the first step. Now justice.

  • Timothy November 19, 2018, 6:18 am

    I injured my ankle severely on March 22 of thia year and have not worked since. What the first doctor said was a simple sprain but it was not and it developed into a hematoma. I was hospitalized for two weeks with a very large hole in my ankle from the clot. I have not worked since and have seen doctors over and over amd had every test in the book done. My life has jist gone downhill from the date of injurie. My financial situation is very dire and my relationship is falling apart as my wife works and i dont get enough income to catch us up.
    Am i depressed ? Hell yes i am.
    I think of suicide all the time every day is an emotional struggle. Life just seems to be falling into a dark hole.
    With no financial help and no one to turn to i just want it to all end. I am seeing a psychologist but those book learned and not experienced with real life depression cant truly understand what i am going through. I have fought depression all my damn life. I have been so low as to attempt taking my life in the past those active attempts failed.
    I am 57 and just tired. So tired of life.
    I see a light under the door from a dark dark room.
    If i get no relief financial wise and my relationship keeps falling apart i cant say for sure whether i can carry on.
    This is how life is.

  • charlotte November 21, 2018, 12:44 pm

    I found this very true and yet I still cannot admit to myself and I can’t show people that I am weak, I cannot show people that maybe a decision I made to move in with my partner when others did not think I should, I cannot prove them right. I know I made the right choice and I want to show them that I was right, that I am happy when I am. I just cannot show it, I have forgotten how to show that I am happy and content with things. It is insanely frustrating because I know the girl that I can be and that I used to be, but I am not her anymore. whats changed? has my life become so busy and hectic that I cannot see a path or a clearing and a light to aim for? I do not know. I do know that I made my first referral today about my problems and I want to get help and be the girlfriend, daughter and auntie that I know I can be and want to be. I showed it in the beginning but now I do not know who I look at in the mirror. I see misery and not happiness, were others right? should I leave? I do not want to, I want to stay. I need to get some help to then find a clearing and find myself again.

  • Yingying November 27, 2018, 12:57 am

    I’m so sad and depressed recently after returning home from Ireland due to unexpected reasons. I was being so happy in Dublin and didn’t want go back to home in China but things are not heading to the way we want. I was sent back in a short notice and I was so disappointed. I always believe that I was born in the wrong place and I never belong to China. My mindset, ways of thinking, lifestyle etc are more western kind of way, which explains why I was so happy living in Ireland. In China, I just feel nobody understands me and nobody has the similar interest with me. Therefore, I don’t have many friends in China and I’m not interested in making any because we wont have similar interests etc. 90% of my friends are foreigners, even in China.
    Ok back to how unhappy I am. I believe I was a bit depressed before because of my eating disorder I developed in uni. Have been battling it for about 5 years, I have wins and loses, mainly wins but still I’m having bad relationships with food. It recently gets really bad that I feel like I’m numb. Even without any appetite, I would still eat a whole loads of food, like a lot..until I feel sick and my stomach couldn’t take it. I know it’s so bad for my health but I just couldn’t stop this monster inside my body and my mind. As a consequence, I’ve gained quite a lot weight in a short period of time which made me so ashamed of myself and worsened my reluctance of going out meeting people etc, which fuels my depression, upset etc. And yes, I have told no one my situation and moved out of my parents house and live in a place where nobody really knows me. People do sometimes find me look unhappy but I just tell them I’m fine. Because I don’t want to open up to them…
    I’m afraid that I would end up really bad which I really don’t want to see but now I just feel my life is so pointless(although it looks like a perfect life to others: a good job, working from home, lots of free time, I’m so knowledgeable etc). This world is like a fake world. I’m not myself anymore. I NEED HELP.

  • Jennifer November 28, 2018, 8:11 am

    I found this site accidentally, but perhaps it wasn’t an accident. I have not had the easiest life, but many haven’t. I lost my mom when I was 15, my daughter when she was 7, my marriage then crumbled and I was a single mom of 2 boys (who are AWESOME by the way). The last year has hit me hard with my dad being diagnosed with cancer and passed away 7 months later. I was his full time care taker while working and being a mom. Oh, and I have an incredible fiance and we just bought a house. I have so much sadness and so much good, but I can never seem to focus on the positives in my life – I have a good job (not that I love it), a great man, great kids, a beautiful home and I volunteer. But I am a miserable person and I don’t know what to do about it anymore….

  • Kayleigh November 30, 2018, 7:30 pm

    I am a hospice nurse, mother and wife. I have a lot to be happy for and proud of, yet everyday I find myself hating myself for various reasons. I do beautiful work and touch families lives in some of the most special ways and that can’t seem to make me happy. I have a beautiful, healthy little boy and even that doesn’t make me happy. For YEARS I have had trouble feeling emotion, positive or negative, but I continue to push through because what else is there to do. I feel so bad for my son who deserves a mother that can be truly happy. I don’t know what to do.

  • A human December 7, 2018, 12:01 pm

    Oh,well,i relate to a lot of this surprisingly. I never really knew,besides the constant need of going to sleep. That’s the way my body copes with all the pressure. sleep and sleep and sleep. That’s all i basically do,besides school work. I even skip homework just for more hours of sleep. I still dont get what that means.

  • Anon December 18, 2018, 2:21 pm

    I read this and I feel I tick off a lot on this list. I feel I am floating through life, unmotivated, and unable to correct the things in my life that have gone wrong.
    But my husband has PTSD, has been through a horrendous time over the past couple of years and compared to his struggles I feel it would be far too much to say, ‘I’m depressed.’ I don’t face his struggles and get by day by day a lot easier. But I don’t feel happy and everything I do feel feels like it’s dull. We’ve had a ‘Christmas happiness challenge’ at work and the other day it was to right an anonomous note, stating our favourite quality about ourselves, but I couldn’t think of anything. And I know that’s bad, and not how I used to be, but it’s four days later and all I’ve thought is that I’m patient.
    I know some of my problems have solutions, but I waste so much time doing pointless things and then before I know it my time has gone, I haven’t achieved anything, still feel crap and I’m having another late night, inevitably then being late for work in the morning.
    I just feel ‘meh’. And unhappy. I miss what my relationship with my husband was and I miss him. When I think of that, then I do feel something – extreme sadness. But then I feel like I have solutions there that I’m just not following up and it’s a mystery to me why I can’t get motivated and why I don’t know really who I am anymore I guess. I know who people would say I am, but I don’t feel like that’s the same person.
    I feel quite lost really. But I’ve seen real depression in other close people in my life and don’t think I have it, it seems a ridiculous thing to say in comparison. I just think life has thrown an awful lot of shit at myself and my husband the past few years, but I’ve got by. I’m just waffling on with myself now but once I started typing my thoughts wandered. Food for thought in this article anyway.

  • Gia December 25, 2018, 6:29 am

    I feel like an imposter in my life, and an intruder in others lives. I really dont know my purpose, no kids, no spouse, I’m lonely yet I dont cultivate riendships to really blossom. What’s the point anyway. It always turns into disappointment later.

  • Andy January 7, 2019, 2:21 pm

    Oh my this is me…….. In a profession where its difficult to speak out

  • Dan January 10, 2019, 8:44 am

    I read this post after realizing I have a profound need to cry and can’t, and worse still, I don’t even really know why I feel the need in the first place.

    On the surface, it looks like I should have it all. I have a lovely wife who is cheerful, kind, and supportive of my emotional well being and efforts. Together we have three sons who are (as near as I can tell) emotionally well adjusted, intelligent, responsible, and who engage in our family unit much more than I did at their age. I have a career that challenges me and pays well enough, we own a home, have relatively low expenses as compared to our income. On most levels, it seems like I should be elated.

    However, I spend most days desperately trying not to show the cold iron dread in my stomach, or the bland, vaguely sad despair that sits like a heavy, musty wet blanket over my entire reality.

    Not to minimize the suffering of individual women at all – suffering is a universal human reality, but there is not support for men in positions like mine. No group telling 40 year old white men that they have any right to be anything but guilty for being who we are. I carry quite a lot of guilt for things no sane person would feel guilty over – last year my beloved cat died, we had to have him put down because brain cancer was going to do it for us in a week or less, and it would have been excruciating. I still cannot forgive myself for being unable to save him. Those sorts of things. A lifetime of those sorts of things. And it seems like everywhere I turn there is some new public figure or activist group telling me that I am rotten to the core for being an Anglo- American male. The evils of men like me are trotted out nonstop to make the point clear, and I wonder what right have I to even exist.

    My biggest regret? Starting too early. I dropped out of college, married, and became a father all before my 21st birthday. When I left High School, I was on track to be a real superstar – top 10 of my class, went to a top 50 in the world engineering college, even the CIA tried to recruit me (and drove off the army, navy, marines, etc. recruiters). While fatherhood has been very rewarding, my marriage a qualified success, and my career is more than sufficient, I cannot escape the nagging reality that I was meant for something more and I missed my chance.

  • Renee January 13, 2019, 10:57 am

    I feel crushing loneliness all the time, I want to be with people but just can’t find the energy to go. I think of how no one would really be there who wanted to talk to me, (even though I was invited). I visit my kids and GK and can’t “feel” anything. They are my responsibility and I love them, but I hug them tightly and try to FEEL anything, and all I feel is sadness because I don’t get any happy or love feelings from the hug. I feel like I am just living to die, get up, go to work, come home alone, feel sad and lonely, go to bed where I fight to go to sleep and then fight to stay asleep I wake up exhausted knowing today will be no better than yesterday but I have to go to work, pay my bills and help my family. I don’t know HOW to find the joy I used to have, it’s been close to 6 years and I just really came to the point where I realize, I probably need help. I want to feel love, I want to feel like there is a happiness out there, and I want to feel like I matter, my family and friends tell me I matter or that they love me, no one knows, but me that I feel this way…

  • Levi January 13, 2019, 7:09 pm

    I feel this way every day but don’t have the willpower to change or do anything about it because I’ve already tried counselors, therapy, religion, support groups, artistic outlets, and none of it has worked. I don’t want to try anything else because I feel my chances of success are close to zero. I lived out of country and afterwords discovered my brother has severe depression. I had never told him of my struggles. I have nothing on him. He’s suicidal. But what am I supposed to do about my problems? I know there is no magic answer, and I know it takes time, but if I’ve been at it for years and I’ve changed up my strategy a thousand times and I never found lasting improvement then whats next for me? Its all so difficult I find myself not willing to do anything else and try again. I am really wondering what its like to be happy like this girl I met from Switzerland or how she got that way. I’m actually jealous and really cynical about lasting happiness because I can’t seem to find it. Anyone have any advice for me and my situation?

  • Himani Bhardwaj January 17, 2019, 1:36 am

    You might think of someone who:

    Looks or acts sad most of the time – This is mee
    Cries often – This is mee
    Can’t feel any emotions (positive or negative) – This is mee
    Can’t get out of bed or leave the house – This is mee
    Can’t work
    Can’t take care of themselves or others
    Thinks or talks about suicide

    Am in depression?

  • Fox January 19, 2019, 10:41 am

    Thankyou

  • nameless January 24, 2019, 5:56 am

    This is pretty much me. Saw a movie the other day and was forced to tell someone (brother and and my therapist–neither knew); yet I can’t stop re watching the movie over and over. I just want to go back faking it, I feel safer, and continue to work to finish raising my son, finishing the house to help with the resale valve and my dog to dies, wouldn’t be fair to them I’ll be done and end this shit–all planed out, down to the last detail. I have the gun (I wont touch it–it needs to be alone )the shells, the location, what to tell the police when I call them to cover any unclear details, how to block the GPS signal, as well as the phone number so they try to find me until I finish–I at least have to explain whats happening, it’s not a cry for help shit. Yes I take my medicine, never miss a day, sometimes I forget and take it twice. I’m NOT looking for any of your help or it’s gong to get better; the loneliness is crushing. I use a VPN and mac addresser, so localization me is impossible. I don’t want help, just to tell someone.

  • kate January 31, 2019, 3:28 am

    i relate to almost everything in this page. i am scared to go talk to someone or talk about the issue coz i when i tell them out loud they sound stupid and they probably think it just everyday shit people go through. but i am so unhappy for so long its only getting worse to point i am randomly crying. sometime i feel like i am doing this to myself because my issue are not ad like other people. i have such a nice life it don’t need to be sad but at the same time i cant focus on my course work or think straight on how to resolve this problem and get ride of these thoughts.

  • Shoksgurl February 3, 2019, 7:11 pm

    Hi, I really don’t know what to say. I have never responded to online bloggers or to posting like yours but I have spent many years searching for the meaning and reason for what I have been feeling. I’m very grateful that I came across your post because now I know I have been battling walking depression. I am a career women surrounded by loving family, friends and a wonderful boyfriend and yet I was experiencing all the signs you have listed. I knew I wasn’t suffering severe depression but then I have been desperately trying to name my condition. I have tring very hard to be the best daughter, sibling, cousin, aunt to my loving nieces and nephews, to be a best coworker and an amazing girlfriend I could ever be. In the end, internally I was not happy. It’s time to seek some professional help. I can’t do this alone anymore. I want to be happy and enjoy my life. I really don’t know if you’d still response to my post considering it’s a really old post but i’m Very happy that I came across your post. Thank you.

  • TMH February 7, 2019, 3:31 pm

    I am currently a student in the HR field in university. I am 28 years old and I used to be on medication for depression a few years back but my doctor took me off of them. I guess she figured I was fine and I didn’t need them anymore. I felt better so I assumed she was right in her diagnosis. I don’t know anymore now. I take care of my mother whom was injured on the job and is now retired. I live with her since I don’t make enough money to move out on my own. I also live in a high-crime neighborhood and my mother, since I was a child, is, uh, very “doting”. Highly protective. Whenever I want to leave the house and go on my own, she will stress that she would rather drive me. When I say no, there’s some verbal conflict. I had my own car at one point but it was totaled by a drunk driver overnight as I was in bed. But, when I had my own car, she would never let me drive it alone- she HAD to be in there with me.

    Even in here in the house, she complains constantly about racism and real world events that really drive me down. When I go to work and come home, she has to drive me because she hates it when I spend my money (we have conflicts about my money all the time and due to this I very rarely spend any of it in my account on myself but to only help her or the household) for an Uber. She has terrible road rage and every time she is constantly screaming about the other drivers. In the house, I escape her by staying in my room for hours but she will sometimes barge in and begin to complain about her family, friends, and current world events. She is also diagnosed with depression and she always talks about it or her health problems. However, if I open up to discuss how I feel about things or what I’m going through, I’m usually cut off. I could be discussing something about myself and she will immediately begin a whole new topic. I bring this up after she’s finished speaking and she will say, “oh, we were done with that conversation; we’re talking about this now.” So often, I just nod and wearily agree with everything she says because if I try to have a healthy debate and add my two bits on a subject, she has to correct me for not being accurate enough or she knows more than I do. This will even come down to how I handle my hair, self-care, and how I handle my business. No doubt she is the root of my frustrations but how can I get away?

    The neighborhood is not friendly so although I own a bike, it’s not wise to ride it alone. I have friends but they loathe physical activity and they complain as much as my mother does. I know it sounds like I’m complaining a lot here just like them but I have to get this off my chest somewhere since no one else will listen. I’ve lost interest in my hobbies, such as crocheting and painting and I just…lie around all day. I try to force myself to activities to keep myself from wallowing but even that’s not working anymore. I can’t afford a therapist. I’m kind of stuck and I don’t even know why I’m bothering typing all of this, really. No one will see it, possibly. I’m really typing all of this because I have to get this off my chest somehow. I don’t know.

    • AP March 26, 2019, 1:58 pm

      I think I understand you and your situation. It would probably be very good for you to live at a healthy distance from your mother. The reality is that the cost of living on one’s own is really high, but maybe if you get your degree and a better paid job, this will become possible? I used to live with my grandmother, who had cared for me a lot since I was little, but she had health issues and was on some kind of medication. She was a caring person in a controlling way and as she got older, it only was getting worse, I guess this was a medical condition of sorts. I had a chance to move out, too, not far, after a big fight with her. I remember how horrible it felt to leave someone you love, but I think I was acting out of pure instinct. I am in my 40-ties now, and I understand now how she felt in the end of her life, lonely, misunderstood and afraid. But she accepted that I would be visiting her every now and then instead of living with her.

  • Raha February 15, 2019, 6:58 am

    The thing is I know what’s wrong with me and I’m not helpless. I know how to change my mood but I can’t
    Because my parents won’t agree or support me. Because they don’t like my way and I started to HATE them for that.
    I’m not a baby though I go to university but…
    I don’t know what to do anymore

  • Corrie February 21, 2019, 1:41 pm

    I am miserable. I already take a lot of meds and have taken just about everything. Nothing really makes me happy, I have absolutely no friends, I go to work and then come home drink some beer and go to bed. In bed I think about how pathetic I am so it takes me a long time to sleep. That is it…..how do I fix it, haha! I am starting to think it will never get better.

    • Katie March 23, 2019, 8:07 pm

      Corrie, you should consider talking to a counselor about how you feel. I used to (and still do, but it’s better now) have depression/anxiety and was afraid of talking to a therapist because I thought, How could they understand anything about how I’m feeling?, but it helped to have someone to talk to. If you don’t want a counselor, you might want to get a pet. They don’t judge, and they listen to you and cuddle you. You also mentioned that you have no friends. I have a good solution. A therapist might not understand what your going through, and neither will a pet, but group therapy is a good option. You can make friends with people who understand what you are going through. And if you want other ways of making friends, you could join a club, activity, sport, or volunteer.

  • Ross February 24, 2019, 5:43 pm

    I’ve given up on doing anything worthwhile years ago. I’m jobless, stuck taking care of kids with mental disabilities while their mother doesn’t do anything, and in general feeling hopeless about anything and worthless about myself. Even the things I used to enjoy have become a chore and without almost any worth. People say I am lucky, that I have a roof over my head, a wife and a child, and so on, but they just don’t understand.

    Last year, I attempted an attempt to you know. I say it this way because now and in the moment I am not sure I wasn’t being … overdramatic? I’m not sure how to put it.

    Things haven’t gotten much better though. If I’m honest, some things went okay and worked out logically from the outside, but nothing FEELS better inside. It all feels like things are too late to matter.

    I’m not sure if I broke some rules or something, but I needed to write this somewhere.

  • Sad Truth of Life March 6, 2019, 4:20 am

    These days the state of depression has changed. It is social media depression. I get depressed when my continuous efforts of gaining fame goes in vain.
    Is there any way to overcome this?

    • HollyG July 16, 2019, 3:27 pm

      Why are you trying to gain fame? Just try being “you.”

  • Martella Brown March 20, 2019, 6:33 am

    my grandaughter would not let me take a picture because my shoes were odd/I felt she was mean and I cried about it/my son would not speak up for me so I am angry at him

  • Martella Brown March 20, 2019, 6:36 am

    my grandaugher would not let me take a picture because my shoes were off/I cried because I felt she was mean to me/my son heard her and would not speak up for me so I am angry at him

  • Peggy March 23, 2019, 10:22 am

    I only feel happy when I drink a coffee or glass of wine! This is me. I’m bored all the time, nothing is fun, everything is a grind. I function very well but there is no joy in my life. Thank you. Maybe now I can move forward.
    P.S I cried when I watched the video. So moving

  • AP March 25, 2019, 3:23 pm

    I think I might be a’walking depressed’, as have experienced several times what has been described as such. Last 12-13 years have been challenging for us, as my husband and me moved to another country 14 years ago, got children (who are 12,8 and 3 years old now), We did it in because of my job which is in research/university. Before I used to be a bit better in not thinking about my work at home, but now it is like it never ends. There is always this new idea, or a project, a seminar etc. I am never as good as others (or so it feels). There is a lot of pressure to be successful as a researcher etc. All these years I have been putting up fights about household chores which I had to do myself most of the time, or organise/push/remind him. He is calmer than I am, he does not like fighting, he simply forgets or does not think about these 1000 things I need to keep in my head. I am so frustrated now, I really feel very bitter and yet as he is doing more and more at home now, I feel like I am an ungrateful hysteric never happy about anything. But I somehow am stuck in these negative thoughts and memories about how it USED to be, plus I am so exhausted by now, and I also feel heartbroken because he never actually acknowledged how much effort I put into our family, both as a mother and financially as my career has been central for us. He is a good guy, but I wonder if he really loves me because you don’t put a woman you really love through this. I forget things which are important for my children (like, a friend’s birthday), and this only makes me feel worse. My work really needs me to be in balance, which has simply been impossible, I come to my office and weep. I come home and weep, in front of my kids, I cannot help this. And they are not supposed to be seeing me like this, they are too young. I was considering taking a long holiday, just like this. He says it is ok but he really needs to make an effort to make it possible for me, and he does not. He simply does not get how serious it is for me now. Plus he started in a new job in January, and it is important for our family that he keeps it. He was a stay-at-home dad for some time, and yet I never ever had some days off. it was never good time.
    At the same time, I am confused about all this because I used to feel like that as a kid and a teen (feeling hurt by my family members’ ignorance, misunderstood etc) and it made me cried a good deal then, so while there is an objective reality of me doing too much over very many years, I recognize a pattern….
    I am going to see a doctor in a couple of days but sick leave is really not a solution because then I will be stuck at home and this is a last thing I need. It can also affect my career as people where I work only ask for sick leaves in case of a cancer or something, or a depression. So everybody will know what it is, and life will just get harder in my office than it already is.

  • i'm depressed March 27, 2019, 7:26 pm

    help…can’t breath…

  • Katie Quarri March 29, 2019, 9:28 pm

    Hi finally , my dad died when I was 23 and part of myself died , I have had 3 children since then I go to work I do my job I speak to people I laugh I engage but that is me from the outside , inside I am empty I’m miserable , constantly trying to juggle everyday life, moan a lot , have no time for myself , cry a lot when no body is around , I feel like my life since that moment of my dad passing has become so hard , I used to be fun happy carefree , but overnight I have this unhappy sad feeling , I go to work to escape I go to my mums house to escape I’m a completely different person I am happy smiley all the things on the outside don’t show the person I am the person I feel on the inside , I have often wondered am I depressed because how can I be so unhappy but then put on this happy front , because I go to work I get out of bed everyday time passes days go by my face paints Avery different picture to the person I am when I’m on my own to the person I am in front of other people and I don’t no how to stop it how to make myself inside happy again ,

  • Jilly March 30, 2019, 3:51 pm

    I am overwhelmed by sadness. My husband has been grieving the loss of his brother for over a year now.
    I know this isn’t a long time as bizarrely I am a grief counsellor.
    But before this event I know I am unhappy. The problem lies in the fact that I truly love my husband. But it is always his feelings that take precedent. That isn’t to say that he doesn’t help me because he does. He’s controlling in a very subtle way. It isn’t much fun that’s for sure.

  • himanshu April 4, 2019, 5:17 am

    i am 22 year old ,my life just started but i never want to live ,i feel lonley whenever i go and whom i with ,i never fell happy its not that my family not love me the love me lot and provide anything i want but i never commnicate with them.i feel alone and emotion less .

  • Erin Forster April 4, 2019, 12:52 pm

    I was glad to find your article, and find common ground with how i often feel. Thank you.

  • zz April 6, 2019, 9:48 pm

    everyday i’m feeling regret, but i trust regreting is not much help to change my life. feeling so many burden making me depressed. really want to end things then run away, but have many responbilites and expectations. in the end i didin’t do my job, living in vain, distancing myself from everyone. as if just waiting this life to suddenly come to an end, then leave everything behind. i can’t tell my worry to anyone, cause i’m afraid they will look down on me then leave me.

  • Katnis April 7, 2019, 12:57 pm

    You have just comprhended exactly what i have been feeling latelu more often then before, I have undergone a series of failure that now hwen i have finally succeded, it doesbt feels kike success or I dont feel happy at all, I have this cringe feeling all the times, this dislike towards everytging, this disinterest in everybody.
    I have no idea how to come out of this deel void which i have created within myself by being strong for soo so long. I have burrued my true self so deep inside that it almost feels impossible to be my normal self again.
    Thanks to your article I could actually make sense of my present situation.

  • karen April 8, 2019, 10:53 am

    i only just started to put myself first and i am 54 years of age. kids have all gone and are super busy. never took time to make a girlfriend circle, so i suffer some days of lonliness and isolation. i try to get out and act happy, but cant seem to connect with anyone. i feel like im living this facade at work kind of faking it till you make it…..other days i think what is the point? is this all there is? i have to work until 65 as my ex ruined me financially (alcoholic) and i am back on my feet, but its a slow process. I did meet someone who seems to be completely emotionally unavailable most days which makes it more depressing to be around. even as i am writing this to you, i know it sounds like an eeyore post. blah blah blah, poor me. uggh. tried depression pills and they made me gain so much weight i got very depressed. i do find if i eat chocolate or dont get at least 8 hrs sleep i am like this for days!
    i work on it daily and am hoping it gets better. i see this funny person i used to be, happy go Lucky but cant seem to find her anymore.

  • Lukma jalal April 21, 2019, 10:35 am

    I used to be happy. I have my own instagram. And now, i’ve been delete my account .. i dont know why. Whats wrong with my own self. Im sad because i think i’ve have been deppressed for a long time but i cant express my emotion, feelings. I feel alone in crowded of people

  • wanda April 27, 2019, 6:39 pm

    I have a perfect life on paper. I should be so happy but like so many of you I feel joyless. I think about killing myself a lot, but, can’t see myself actually doing it. I have three teenagers in high school who are good kids but about themselves at this point. Killing myself would be terrible for the kids and that would be selfish. My husband is kind and handsome but his anxiety is nuts regarding the three teenagers (girls). I don’t look forward to anything anymore. not even drinking which used to be a treat for surviving another day. I was on lexipro but went off a few months ago bc it didn’t do anything and I am not going to be a slave to pharma, particularly when it doesn’t seem to work past the first month or so. anyway, pity party for me, I have not excuse except I think that I am unbalanced chemically. I am waiting to see if this changes after the kids go to college. wish I could be a happy sweet mom. I’m such a jerk.

  • Newt Vac April 28, 2019, 9:00 pm

    I am feeling worse,boring,unhappy, negative thoughts never let me alone, I am not focus any single work study, eating etc. Please help me

  • mark .e May 2, 2019, 8:28 am

    I wake up everyday tired, and have no hope or energy to do anything. I manage to get through my days with interaction and when I get home I lay in bed and cry. I have these feelings of guilt and loneliness most of it misplaced. I worry all the time and have fits of rage and long moments of crying. Then sometimes I can’t cry at all. I try to ask myself what am I feeling and why am I feeling this way? I never have an easy answer and I end up getting lost in my head. As of late I have had this drive to fix whats going on inside of me. I am trying very hard to find happiness and I have even start self hypnosis. Which seems to work so far. However i have only been doing it for a week. Much like what I read…. I find myself traveling to try and find happiness and I recently sold everything I own realizing none of it makes me happy. I seem to be on this journey to leave the USA and live in a simple third world country. I am desperate to find happiness and I am searching everywhere after not finding it in myself. I have a good job, great family and friends, but just can;t explain why I am so unhappy…… just so unhappy. I feel like crying now and I dont know why.

  • Liz Diamond May 4, 2019, 11:33 pm

    This is where I am in my life. I am in a marriage with a man who is older than me who has had very frail health since surgery for liver cancer ten years ago. He also has COPD. He hardly ever goes out anywhere these days and spends a great deal of the time resting in bed. I have allowed myself to become lonely and isolated, as in the past I would always rely on him to take me places and wasn’t good at making relationships outside the marriage. I have lost interest in most of the things I used to be involved in – painting, writing poetry etc., and spend a lot of time watching Youtube or the television. I also have a dog who has no one else but me to walk him or look after him and that adds to my feeling trapped by life. At the age of 66, I feel I am wasting the last decade of my life where I might still have the energy and ability to get out and do things with my life. I am in despair at times.

    • Someone Sad May 11, 2019, 6:19 am

      I totally empathise and I am so sorry that you feel like this too. I am on a similar position. A wasted day is a horrible feeling especially as we get older and to make it worse, everyone is telling us all the time to appreciate the beauty in life. We DO appreciate it, so much but we are trapped beyond our control. There is a thick piece of glass between us and the sunny world outside – we want so much to reach out and grab it but we just cant seem to break the glass ❤ sending you much love and understanding ❤

  • Jcxdd May 8, 2019, 11:38 am

    I’ve started to feel like this lately, I don’t feel like myself anymore.

  • Someone Sad May 11, 2019, 6:11 am

    I’m housebound. I got chronically ill 5 years ago after being a very ‘free and spontaneous’ person who wasn’t afraid of anything. At 20 years of age I survived cancer which left me feeling that if I could survive that, I could survive anything so, in my late 30s (when my only child had grown up) I sought adventure. I travelled, I camped, I hiked, I climbed, i swam – I was truly free. I felt like I wasnt wasting a minute of my life.
    It’s important to me to ‘act’ happy because now I have to rely on people to care for me and it’s the only way I can show my gratitude. I cant go out most days because I can no longer drive. I have no independence at all. If my sadness gets the better of me and I (at times) appear emotional, people automatically assume it’s because of my illness, but inside I know that this is not the case. I have learned to live with my illness but I now feel non existent. When you are not sociable or stuck away somewhere people tend to forget you and when they do visit I tend to not want to burden them with emotions for fear of them not coming back.
    I’m so tired always. I live on energy drinks to keep my head above water and I take care of my grandchildren 3 days a week even though it makes me sick afterwards. If I didnt, then my child (who really doesnt need me any more) probably wouldn’t see me at all. Not because they dont care, just simply because life tends to take over. I have a wonderful husband who works his fingers to the bone and a beautiful house – but it kills me to see him so tired after work when I cant contribute. I just feel so ungrateful by feeling like this. Several of my friends have terminal illnesses. I may be disabled and there is no cure but my sickness is not terminal, well not immediately anyway.
    I am a creative. I find myself starting projects but never finishing them, just running manically from one to another or… I find myself obsessing to get a project finished even if it means working through the night and not sleeping at all.
    I have previously contemplated suicide but I’m in no danger of committing it. I have an obsessive fear of going to hell if I take my own life even though I’m not religious. I have no idea where its come from. Maybe it’s a self initiated preservation instinct I dont know.
    I think my sadness is due to the fact that I feel like I’m wasting every day of my life now and that feels wrong after I was granted the gift of a second chance after surviving cancer. All I know is that I feel so trapped and so saddened by it and so guilty for feeling saddened by it.
    I dont know if anyone will read this and I dont even really mind but thank you anyway for letting me share my feelings it has been… well it has been cathartic… i think x

  • Matej May 13, 2019, 4:46 pm

    Hi. I couldn’t sleep and I wrote “I’m sad about my life” in google. It brought me here.
    I don’t know why it helped to read the article, but it did. I guess it helps to know one is not alone in one’s situation.
    Everything you wrote is 100 % true for me. Its very insightful and clear when you can read it like that.
    I didn’t want to admit it to myself but I’ve had a huge regression this year. I’ve been fighting for the past 12 years or so. Maybe longer. One year is easier, the next is harder.
    Anyway. Thanks for this.

  • Alfonso Serna May 20, 2019, 9:06 pm

    Maybe I have walking depression, idk, it might be because of my math anxiety. I’m good at other topics, but I always remember teachers who saw me like a loser, someone who doesn’t have a future. Even in my relatives, they’re all good at math but me, I excel at other topics like English and history. But then, yeah I use shame as a motivation. As a good speaker, my classmates and other students see me as an intelligent student, but I see myself as a loser, I can’t help but compare myself even to those people younger than me who are good at math. I feel like an outcast. So that’s it. Idk what should I do rn… Math is kind of in my blood’s identity, but I feel like an outcast both in my family and in school.

  • Zandra M May 21, 2019, 3:44 pm

    I wrote why am I so unhappy into google and it bought me here. Getting help and admiring something is wrong has always been the hardest thing for me, because I feel like there is no reason why I can complete simple tasks but then as soon as I have to do something creative ( I am normally really creative) I just don’t think I’m good enough. And that’s what goes around my head all day everyday. I’m selfish. Useless and just cry myself to sleep at night.

  • andrew Gowan May 26, 2019, 4:06 pm

    Every heading I have read here relates to my life. My head feels like a heavy fog constantly every day. I engage in small jobs around the house to try to motivate myself to take my mind off the everyday pressures and stresses of life. I feel more depressed at home and when working nights I feel like a different person. I have 2 children who at times argue constantly which just adds fuel to the fire. I worry about my wife who also suffers from anxiety and depression and has a career in teaching of which has gradually contributed to her illness due to the intense pressure of the job. I feel like I walk through life every day feeling like this, feeling worthless feeling like I need to do something with my life. It’s horrible. I don’t feel like I have a connection with my wife or children anymore. I feel trapped.

  • Jasper Delos Angeles May 30, 2019, 7:05 pm

    never been easy to live a life where you are not happy but still need to live that life because it’s necessary. I am an only child in the family and I always have this feeling, the need to be strong for my family. I know my family loves me but still, it feel empty, I feel empty. there were days that I am happy, there are also days where I am sad. to be honest I don’t really know who am I and it makes me sad. I don’t even know if I am depressed. I can relate to the symptoms mention above every day but what if I think I am depressed but actually not. I am really on my low right now and I am so emotional, so maybe I am just saying this because of those reasons or I am really depressed. I just don’t know. I feel lost right now.

  • Raymond cann June 4, 2019, 3:15 am

    I lost my girlfriend 11 months ago she passed away suddenly I can’t seem to get on with my life no more I miss her so much and I feel like I have walking depression does it get easier

  • Lucy June 7, 2019, 1:10 pm

    I have always had anxiety and in recent yrs,depression too. I think because there are things in my life getting me diwn but they’re all out of my control. I’m supporting my unemployed boyfriend for yrs who no one will even interview him because he’s been out of work too long and then 2 of my siblings have severe mental health problems and 1 is in and out of hospital all the time. I feel like what’s the point?

  • Dawn June 11, 2019, 7:24 pm

    I googled “sick and tired of living this mediocre life” and managed to find this site. Pursuing my purpose on this earth, and highly depressed by where I am vs. where I imagine myself.

  • Jayne June 12, 2019, 4:56 pm

    I stubbled across this page as I typed in my google search the sunset doesn’t look amazing to me anymore, what I ment by this was all the things i find beautifully wonderful have turned grey colour to me like Wow yeah there’s sun oh isn’t that a nice ocean view .. just get nothing at the moment no awe inspiring feelings I am struggling to Be engaged in conversation I feel like everything is moving but I am stood still even the most picturesque view can’t take this mood away

  • Carla June 12, 2019, 6:16 pm

    I do have a perfect life, amazing husband, beautiful kids, wonderful friends, money, a house, a good size 4 figure. I’m just not happy.
    Yesterday a song came out that I liked and made me feel alive for small moment and I started to cry uncontrollably. Crying because I felt joy for a fraction of a moment, crying because I’m morning my life that I’m wasting away not feeling any joy every day.
    I just want out of this feeling numb all the time.

  • Luul omar June 13, 2019, 3:28 pm

    I’m feel dead inside………

  • Tracy June 17, 2019, 5:23 pm

    I have been on a spiritual journey to be more positive and change the way I think. Some days it is a battle, but positive and happy is what I am determined to let win. I am also going through some menopause. I need to be more consistent with exercise; I think it would help what I am feeling by releasing negative energy. For awhile now, there are days I feel like inside of me lies a scream waiting to come out that would be so loud I could crack the sky and enough tears that I could create another ocean on the globe.

  • Confused June 18, 2019, 6:10 pm

    I just finished my first year of high school and I feel unhappy. It’s not like I’m being bullied or that I have self-esteem issues. It’s just that I’m so unsure of what I want to do. I have no idea what I want to do in the future. I’m not even really sure why I’m unhappy to be honest. I’ll spend a whole weekend mostly in my room reading my life away. Even going outside when I don’t have to go to school sounds very unappealing to me. I’ve been so unmotivated lately and the only thing that appeals to me is reading. It’s not like I can really tell people because they’ll just assume the worst, like I don’t know suicide. I haven’t had those thoughts, but yet I’m unhappy.

  • Dogmom June 27, 2019, 8:21 pm

    I have been feeling down for so long and some days are worse than others. I am unhappy with how I look and how I feel. My husband has been working mostly out of town for over 8 months. & struggling to get pregnant for almost a year. We were trying to start the process to buy a home but when I was still living with my parents I helped them finance a car and now they are now refusing to refinance to remove my name off the car to be able to buy a home. My whole life feels like it’s on hold. I feel like I have no one to talk to including my husband at some points since he is so busy with work or in a different time zone. Life seems pointless and so exhausting sometimes.

  • Ali June 28, 2019, 11:17 am

    A lot of this article rings true to me. I didn’t know what depression was until I had my children. And it’s never gone away. In fact it’s getting worse the older I’m getting .

  • Someone’s Mum July 3, 2019, 2:59 pm

    I can relate to this article. I think I have been low grade depressed for a long time but inside I don’t know how to change things and i don’t believe that anyone takes me seriously. I married young and had kids straight away. Having my kids was the best thing I ever did but there was a small part of me that was scared of getting married because I felt like I was trying to run away from my circumstances. I have sacrificed a lot for my children and it’s not as if I would have had a great career without them, but I certainly feel that my position intensely caring for them, without the aid of family, meant that I didn’t care for myself. Only one person in my family was sensitive enough to see when I was struggling and they took a back seat in my life when we moved after I got married. My husband, however good his intentions, has behaved selfishly throughout our marriage and I am often left considering what I have beyond the home. Everyone needs something or someone beyond their little nuclear family, and I lost a lot of friends along the years. Sometimes I didn’t feel strong enough to make new ones, I couldn’t put on the facade and so I isolated myself at times. I got angry because my husband would be meeting new people, experiencing life, and I was just at home with only children to share life with. I don’t think my husband ever appreciated how much my straightforward job meant to me, how it gave me a bit of confidence and something of my own. Currently my husband has just been promoted. He says life will get better. I don’t care for fancy holidays or the like, I just want freedom to express myself, have time that is my own amongst the madness of doing. I gained a lot of weight since my first child. I have not lost it, partly I think due to the increasing stress and low feelings that have accumulated over the years. I certainly know I could look after myself better, but I don’t. Neither does my husband, but he’s never been one to get a kick out of appearances, whereas I would enjoy dressing up on important occasions. I hope this is all a passing phase but it scares me that ‘this is it.’ I would like to have someone to actually share this with but I do not want to drive people away, and so I just smile and say nothing. Inside I am often unhappy but I see it as weaknesses whenever my children see me sad or frustrated.

    • Azumi July 12, 2019, 12:35 pm

      I know how you feel although my circumstance is different. I think I am the one stopping myself from going further. Like you, I do think that my husband has been very selfish… he slept with another woman. I made the decision to stay and work things out but at a high cost. I now depressed for many months. Part of it might be due to giving birth half a year ago but I’ve never felt this low in my life even after my first divorce. I think we have this self-sacrificing intent. Quite honestly, it’s draining. Like you, I am losing all my friends. I haven’t seen any the friends that I had made in college and now I don’t even talk to them through text and email. I haven’t made any effort to make new friends nor do I want to make the effort. Everyday I feel like I am drowning in frustration, anger, sadness, isolation, and all a bunch of other negative thoughts. I don’t know who to talk to that why I am here. I should reach out for my friends but the last I did, I was told to just get out of the relationship. I have thought about it but I know I do not want to. This leads me to getting mad at myself for being too chicken to do so. I feel hopeless and I feel drowned. I hope you find the courage to spread your wings for yourself because I am far from finding mine.

  • Milton July 7, 2019, 3:15 pm

    I can relate to most of the above. I feel no one understands me and my complexities not even those closest so I rarely talk about how I feel as I says too much or end up disappointed as no one can relate or reassure. I don’t see myself as arrogant or judgemental I am a sincerely empathetic individual however I feel slight resentment to people who get upset over the smallest things or don’t realise how good they have it.

    Though I tend to be good at most things i put my hand to, I never have any fulfilment nor do I ever really feel excitement other than the premise of having free time to do nothing.

    There are rare times I break down as a result of saying something honest but abhorrently nasty, Be this due to guilt or otherwise it is short lived relief as when those who are closest to me see it little is done to reassure or listen to the words I say. Words which are a result of constantly repeating myself and trying to fix a problem rather than pander, lie, be fake which falls back to the disappointment as nothing is ever resolved.

    I have felt like this since I was 17 (I’m 33 now). I’ve never thought about suicide and don’t think I ever will however I have thought about death, the nothingness of it and I constantly feel not sad, but hollow. Though I think people see me as a charismatic, witty and empathetic individual they don’t know how empty I truly feel. I am never disingenuous, the reason people perceive me positively is because I do not want people to feel as I do. And on the dark days where I am grumpy, toxic I tend to isolate myself, recharge so that my bad energy does not impact anyone else. Sadly those in a relationship with me have never understood this and have always taken it as a personal affront or dislike towards them when in essence I’m just trying to protect them.

    I can identify with a lot of what this article says, but I’ve tried medication, exercise and the like but this does nothing to lessen the complexities of the mind. I’ve even tried being creative again (I write and I’m a trained illustrator) but I never feel motivated. I currently work quite successfully in finance which drains a lot of my energy leaving me just wanting to rest and do nothing in my free time.

    I don’t know why I’m writing this really, I think I just want someone to understand/relate. As I often hold myself back in life due to the insignificance of opening up to someone knowing that in all my experience no-one else understands me and I just end up being a source of support for them. If anyone else can relate, or identify with anything I’ve said then please say so.

    • Azumi July 12, 2019, 12:27 pm

      I did the same. I wrote just because I want to be heard. Did anything happen? I am asking because when my depression started, it was when I had found out about my husband’s infidelity. Although I do remember being like this since I was little, although not as awfully bad. I hope you find something… I know these feelings all too well… I feel like I am drowning most days but there’s not a single I can relate to. I’ve been to counseling but… I had stopped. I don’t really feel like going back.

  • Cheryl Foston July 11, 2019, 10:58 pm

    Thank you for sharing all your thoughts and feelings. I can relate to most of the comments. Why are so many of us feeling this way?

  • Azumi July 12, 2019, 12:22 pm

    Help!!! I did a random search online and clicked on this link. I think I am this one. On the outside, my coworkers don’t see my depression because one, I don’t really socialize very and two, I wear a mask at work. I can energetic and lively but when lunch break comes, I hide myself in my room and sometimes cry. I am a teacher. I can’t take care of my 6 month old daughter properly because I feel tired all the time. I want to play with her but I find myself not wanting to. Instead, I would waste my time sitting on the couch doing nothing. I have this deep resentment towards other people and I am finding that I resent my husband, yet, I can’t seem to leave him. I recently found out that he slept with another woman and this may have happened while we were only dating and not married, it still hurts. I look at myself in the mirror and no matter how many layers of mascara I put on, I can’t seem to see myself beautiful anymore. I would a pretty dress but I still don’t feel beautiful. Before it would do that trick but not anymore. I can’t bear to look at my old photos because I would feel envious of the old me… so happy and free. I am now easily stressed out and overwhelmed. I just can’t seem to find happiness anymore. Am I just being unreasonable? Is this unhappiness perhaps my fault because I just wouldn’t move on? Why does it feel like I am drowning? I should be thankful with everything I have. I am not rich but I wouldn’t say my family’s struggling. What is wrong with me?

  • Lynn Chappell July 13, 2019, 5:10 pm

    I am experiencing a lot of sadness, feeling alone, when my fiancé and I do anything fun with our friends I ruin it. I just sit around and don’t socialize or get envolved. Am I experiencing depression???

  • Max July 16, 2019, 5:27 am

    I only just found this article as I searched for why i feel so unhappy.
    I dont know the true reasons but I have a lot of frustration that sometimes bursts after I feel like I have taken enough.
    I no longer see what makes me happy. I don’t want to put blame on anyone but I feel that my pleasures in life stopped and my attention was taken elsewhere and ended up feeling like i didnt have a right to or need to have something that i enjoyed.
    i now feel resentment and look for understanding in these thoughts. but i do not feel i get them and it just makes it worse.
    I recently said that i see no light in my life, just darker and darker. I think i was being over-dramatic but at that point it is what i felt. Looking back on those words i see them as extravagant but there is still some truth to it.
    I think i need to find someone to talk to in confidence but is not close enough to me to explain all the things in my life that are good and there is no reasons for me to feel unhappy.
    I dont know it any of the above makes sense to anyone but i felt a little better for sharing it.

  • HollyG July 16, 2019, 3:21 pm

    Thank you for the best website discussing this malady. Most miss the mark, but yours actually gives hope!

  • Phillip July 20, 2019, 6:37 am

    I think walking depressed sums it up very well. I work, I look after my son, I try to persue my Creative interests, I see friends and I make an effort to be as personable as I can be, I’m probably at my best with my son around me being “Stupid Dad”.

    But the evenings after work sitting on my own in my flat with my head in my hands feeling bad do take their toll.

    I sometimes wonder if it’s normal and other people just don’t talk about it.

    No tears, No suicidal thoughts just deep unhappiness, Loneliness and frustration.

    There must be millions of people like this.
    Ultimately I’ll deal with it myself and like the OP says I do feel guilty as a reasonably healthy person when I see people who are really physically suffering or were dealt a bad hand by life that I’m whinging I feel sad.

    There is a part of me that thinks “Pull yourself together” but ultimately I’ll just keep going and try to focus on the positive however hard it is…but I do find I anticipate the negative and I’m not always disappointed.
    I’ve enjoyed reading other stories too.

  • morgan s July 22, 2019, 8:28 pm

    I distract myself in any way possible, I will drive somewhere just to be doing something, I constantly am relying on coffee to make me feel energized and like I can move with strength or accomplish something. Drinking alcohol is a way for me to feel happy and free to be me without the crushing thoughts running through my head every second about wether I am saying the wrong thing or not. Being alone is torture, it allows me to think too much and in silence at that.

    My sister passed away two years ago, causing me to sink deeper into a depression I didn’t realize existed. As a child I had so many thoughts in my head I used to go into these episodes where I convinced myself I was moving through slow motion and the only thing moving was my mind. It gave me extreme anxiety, as well as growing up with my sister’s seizures and waking up to her bloody noses and making sure she didn’t fall off the bed in the middle of an episode. Between my brother being an extreme drug abuser and alcoholic and my sisters health condition, my parents always yelling at him, and ten years later now at me.

    They don’t realize why Im never home is because when I am with my friends I am able to distract myself with them and yet when i’m with my family i’m reminded of the sister I lost and the stress my mom puts on me.

    I hate this depression and I hate being alone. I wish people realized the pain I live with, the sadness I carry on my shoulders in an invisible box. I try to accomplish so many things, I sing, play guitar, paint, draw, get into the right college. I feel like it will never be enough.

    I don’t know when I will ever stop feeling empty.

  • Ein July 27, 2019, 10:23 am

    I believe this is my problem. I’m tired when I wake up, but I want to get out. I want to film, do yardwork, go to work, exercise, but I’m finding myself unhappy in my down time. I’ve been yelling at my son for little things that shouldn’t make me so upset. At least they didn’t used to. I can’t stand the rich a**holes that come into my work place talking about boats, vacations, and the like. I just…. I don’t know what to do… I can’t just create because I’m an Atlanta actor and EVERYONE in Atlanta thinks they’re an actor. You can’t just…. start filming with a crew or a story, and writing a story is pointless because most people want to film their own ideas…. not someone else’s. I don’t drink, but find myself wanting to. This sucks.

  • Garrett Hampton July 29, 2019, 3:03 pm

    I’ve just come out as gay and I’ve known since 5th grade and now that most of my friends know I just feel like I’m different from everyone and I started acting… different. One night I got really drunk and told my best friend that I loved him for real. Before I told him we would hang out almost every day and watch tv and just have a good time together, now a week has passed since I told him and he has become pretty distant from me and and doesn’t want to come to my house anymore and says that I’m acting weird and I just feel really lonely and I feel like people look at me differently and think I’m weird and I don’t have anyone I can call a best friend anymore and it really hurts. I feel like I’m not myself anymore, I used to be funny and have no problem talking to people but now I’m just quite and scared to do anything. I feel like I single handedly ruins my best friendship and it’s really hard to forgive myself.

  • Chuck July 31, 2019, 2:29 am

    I feel all this and more. Lately when I get home from work and pull my car into the garage, I hit the remote to close the overhead door and leave the car running a little longer each day. It’s as if I’m daring myself to just do it, as though I am weening myself off of life. I used to deal with it by drinking myself to sleep every night, then health became an issue. It gets harder when you’re 48 years old and and you can’t drink like 25 year old you could.
    Now when it’s late and I’m sitting here at my computer, sober and alone while my wife sleeps, all the doubt comes. I’m middle aged and never had kids, which I regret more and more every day. I’m not entirely sure my wife still loves me. She’s never given me reason to think she doesn’t, but the doubt is there never the less. I’m stuck in a job with no future and not much of a past, I’m going nowhere because I have nowhere to go.
    I’m not close with my family. There is no animosity there, but no closeness really to speak of. I am close with my mother, my aging mother who may die soon.
    The saddest thing about my life is that there’s nothing really wrong with it. I lead a pretty average (I think) life and would consider us upper middle class. No serious debt but not a lot of money set aside.
    I fear and regret that once my mother is gone and my wife (who is older than I) passes away… it will be as if I never existed. No one will remember me, I have no friends that could even come to my funeral. It is as if my entire life has been without purpose or meaning. I’ve accomplished nothing of any note or had any positive influence on anyone or anything. I’m like the person that’s walking down the sidewalk in the background of a movie or television show while the camera is focused on the star… once I’m out of the scene or picture frame, no one ever thinks of that person again. No one ever asks “I wonder what that extra in the movie we watched is like as a person?”. I’m merely filler in other peoples lives. An extra in the story of their lives.
    I won’t be leaving behind and inheritance that no one would claim anyway. My possessions are of little value other than tools and guitars. Assuming that I choose to let the door close and leave it running one day, all my stuff will be left to my wife. They will be cast off among strangers who will never know what I built or repaired with those tools he now has, or what songs I played on those guitars that he or she bought at my estate sale… a rubbish sale really.
    I doubt I’ll do anything about it and keep on functioning until some health issue or accident happens… or maybe I’ll just let the door close leave the car going. I’ll recline the seat back and begin drinking the bottle of vodka that I bought on the way home… almost giddy with the knowledge that I’ll be drunk soon after going almost four years sober, and this time there will be no hangover, guilty or shameful feelings.
    Only some relief before falling into my last sleep in a drunken stupor and then nothingness. My brief and purposeless role in the film of life has served do accomplish nothing that will ever bring up my name in story or sadness.
    Maybe one of these days, maybe tonight, maybe never.

  • Lisa August 6, 2019, 4:26 pm

    🌄 is the worst time for me. Then, about 4pm it starts again. I’m very depressed lately. I’ve always had a problem with depression. I feel hopeless and helpless.

  • Sara August 7, 2019, 6:29 pm

    What if you dont put yourself first? What if you’re just super selfish and dont even call your partner on his birthday? What if you dont even know why you’re depressed, but just feel like you’re failing all the time? Even when I have a great day, in the evening I feel so bad because I cant be as close to my partner as I think I should be. I never want to be close, which is always a disappointment and even when I do everything right I always feel like a fuck up. I dont even know.

  • Beth Bargains August 9, 2019, 9:28 pm

    Hello there this is the first time I’ve heard of walking depression but have suffered from depression my entire adult life. I’m almost 40 here in a week or two and and even more down than normal and I’m so angry anymore and I hate it. My child does not deserve to be screamed at and I feel horrible after I do. She doesn’t listen to me butnhas adhd and ptsd as do I. I also have always felt different from other people and kids even as a small child. I was quiet and never spoke to teachers or other kids I played by myself and never made friends and this was my life all through to the end of high school as well. I knew I was different as young as 3-4 years old. Why I don’t know but I hated me. I couldn’t talk to other kids or make friends like everyone else. I was so alone and lonely but I made it anyways and always sad. I never made friends and was uncomfortable around groups of people I didn’t know and even groups of people I did know made me so nervous cause I could never talk to people and have a normal conversation. I was poor and had poor clothes and we didn’t have much and had a rough life with both parents being alcoholics and me and my two sisters started drinking at very young ages as well. Parents drank so we snuck and drank too and I had fun and felt like I could
    Myself and talk while drinking. I had people like me and talk to me while I was drinking or drunk amd that led to me using drugs as an adult then I twitched from being an alcoholic to a drug user cause i could use different drugs with different effects depending on what I wanted to do that night. If I wanted to sleep
    The day away cause of my depression I was take nerve pills to sleep my days away so I wouldn’t suffer being awake. Then if I wanted to try and have fun and hang with people I’d drink and do uppers and people liked me that way or so I
    Thought. I was only being used of course but I did enjoy having people around me that seemed to enjoy my company it was different and I liked being liked. I hated that I had to drink and dondrugs to feel normal to be able to talk and have fun and let loose. I hate that and still til this day I’m the same
    Way. I feel so depressed and different like I wasn’t meant to Ben happy ever. Nothing ever goes right for me. I have no special
    Talents and I can’t sing, I can’t dance I can’t even make my relationships work cause I don’t enjoy sex like normal people and I got to trying to google what was wrong with me and came across a term sexual and that fit me so well and sounded just like me. I do have sex with my partner but only because I understand he has needs and it’s not fair for him to go without and I try to compromise with him and tried to talk to him about me being asexual but he wouldn’t listen and that made me feel so sad cause he just thinks I am not that and keeps saying that I’m just not sexually attracted to him but I am. He hurts my feelings a lot and I know he doesn’t mean to but he does with how he words things and refuses to listen when I’m trying to tell him about my sexual preferences and he just won’t listen and says I’m morning sexual cause I have sex and do get off. But I do but I am not into it at all and never have been in any relationship I’ve ever been in. I’ve been left before cause of my lack of sexual interactions and it bothers me that I can’t be normal in that area either. I just want to want to have sex and enjoy it with him but I can’t cause I don’t want it ever and he keeps turning it around on me making me feel
    Bad that I am this way and I should have sexual advantages towards him but I can’t do that when I’m not wanting to have sex ever. I feel
    Bad for him cause he has a very high sex drive and I just never want it. But he makes things worse sometimes when he tries to get me to do his fantasies for him and I’m just not wanting nothing to do with them at all. He makes me
    So not turned on by the things he’s into and now I’ve told him that many times and he refuses to believe what I’m saying to him. He misunderstand lay me so much and all
    I’m trying to do is be honest and open with him about my feeling and wants and things I don’t like. But he just makes things so much harder on me and I don’t know how to get him to listen and actually understand what I am feeling and going through. At times he acts like a child when he doesn’t get his way with me saying no to sex causenim not into it. I’ve learned to just not say no and just do it cause it’s not worth the fight. Tsex is the only thing we ever had arguments about and it makes me even more depressed that he doesn’t listen or didn’t try to understand me. I also have a lot other things going on in my life and I at times feel so empty and emotional and times emotionless. Ask I get angeynreally quickly and I take it out on my child and on him when they don’t need deserve that. I am feeling like I am stuck in the same
    Cycles doing the same
    Things every day and I just want someone to take care of me like I care for them.
    I do everything for them even if I don’t have time I do it cause they need me to. And leaves me behind on my chores inside the house and I get so frustrated and hate this life. I wish at times I wouldn’t have been born but I wouldn’t do anything to myself
    Cause my daughter needs me and depends on me she has no father in her life andhe doesn’t even pay child support. Her father is the reason we both suffer from ptsd and anxiety issues and I have social anxiety really bad andmhatenleaving the house at all. I get overwhelmed easy and blame it on him or
    My kid and they don’t deserve that I feel
    So bad all the time that I can’t get out of this funk.’I am not normal and just wish I was so I
    Could at least try to make friends and or do things with my partner and my child. She deserves the world and then some and she is the reason I am here still.’she keeps me sane and straight even when I want to use drugs badly. I’ve been an addict with drugs for over 22 years and was an alcoholic at the young age of 18. I just hated my life and did anything I could do to distort my reality. I was on all kinds of antidepressants but they never helped or when they did it took away my emotions and I felt empty.
    I hate this and being not normal why I am this way I can’t say but wish I could figurenitmoutmaomincanntry tomheal
    And fix my set issues.
    I have no self confidence and had
    None back as far as 7 years old and hated myself. I couldn’t talk to kids or play with other kids and imfetmsomalone and nobody understood me and still don’t. I try to be as open and honest with my
    Partner now and he just doesn’t get it or he doesn’t want to try to get it. I love him with all my heart and sometimes he gets treated bad by me and only Caiden I can’t rwally get close or
    Snuggle
    Up
    With him without him wanting sex and so I distance myself
    From him and I can see why he thinks I’m attracted to him cause I never flirt with him but it’s cause he made feel I have to keep my
    Distance or
    Hehe gets turned
    I’m and wants sex.
    All I want USF Romain to hold me and kiss memwothoutmhim wanting to have sex. It bothers me really bad that I have to be this way but he has taught me that I don’t have a choice and I hate it. I don’t get to cuddle with him or
    Kiss on
    Him andmjust have him hold me cause he always turns it into him needing sex. I don’t like sex and only do it for his sake cause I do know he has needs. Which isn’t fair to me.
    But I found out about being asexual
    After we was together form2 years and henjust wouldnt listen to me being asexual and said no inwadmt cause I getnoff amen atntimes do get turned on but that doesn’t mean I’m not asexual. Everything about the term fits me like a glove and I thought I finally found why I am like this butnhe shot me down from the beginning and wouldn’t hear me out.
    I wasn’t hurt very hurt. But also I try to help him as he has a farm and he works 6days a week and barely has time to shower. So I try to tend to the anmasmwhich I don’t understand why he has them and isnoutnal this money for something that will never make a profit from. He thinks it’s angood idea to have a farm but I disagree but I am beside him and will
    Helpmhim amuwaymi can which is what a relationship is supposed to do is help amdnlisten to one another and times I feel hendoesnt take my feeling into consideration at all and that hurts. I go out of my way to the help and please him and he gets angry at me when I don’t give him his sexual attention. It bothers me cause he gets so angry about it and me not giving it to him when he asks for it.
    I just don’t understand why he’s gets so mad and upset and starts yelling at me. I hate being yelled at and being talked down to cause all my childhood was of arguing parents and fighting and I will leave before I argue with him at times cause I just won’t deal with screaming and yelling and throwing. He is a good man but his only downfall is his sexual
    Desires gets to him bad and makes me feel bad that I don’t want him or anyone for that matter in that way.
    I wish I had a normal sexual desire and wants to have sex but I don’t and never have. I have had sex just to get attentions from boys when I was younger and I knew it was wrong butninjustbwanted to be liked and I knew having sex was what boys raved about so I haven in against my will and did it anyways. I felt uneasy and not right and gross but I did to Ben liked and accepted and it shouldn’t have to be this way. I hate this world and how people treat others that are less fortunate than them and how people act like they having lots of money means they are better than you. I am not like that at all.
    I am a very humble person and I don’t need much of anything I just need food, clothes and water and daily items to be happy and I always go without to get what my partner or my daughter wants or needs.
    My needs are always last or non existent cause I spent what money I had on them. I never buy mysef much of anything I’m humble
    Erin’s and very easy and understanding. I don’t get why my partner won’t listen or even try to understand me when I’m trying to tell him something this important and such things as I’m not sexual attracted to people at all and don’t have a desire for sex and at times it even repulses
    Me. He gets mad when I get angry and tell him I’m not into it. Why I don’t know butnim very understanding and wish he gave me the same in return. Anything he tells me I try my
    Best to listen and understand what he’s saying and I feel bad he feels I don’t. Desire him. I do but he can’t not kiss or cuddle me without wanting sex so I stay away from him and I’ve told him this. Sorry I’m not sure why I got in this but I am not normal and I have had severanpeople tell me that I’m not normal and I am special but I feel so unspecial and inappropriate and unlovable at times I wish I could become a person that is enjoyable and fun and exciting but I’m sad and depressed all the time and I just recently lost my dear mom to a massive heart attack and I feel lost and broken without her. She was always by my side no matter what she was my hero and God took her away so unexpectedly.
    It’s not fair but I know God has plans for us all and not my right to judge why he took her so soon. She was only 66 and was just helping me the day before pack groceries in my home and put them away and then bam, she had heart pain and I drive her to the hospital amen she never came back. She died 7 days after I took her in. It’s was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life andmive experiences lots of painful situations and relationships and losses but nothing like loosing mom. I wasn’t there and I don’t know if her helping me cause the heart attack I will always think it’s my fault she is no longer here and I can’t help it but I am
    Not whole without her and she took part of my
    Heart with her and it will
    Never ever heal.
    Mom protected us kids from our abusive dad many many times and she took
    Beating after beating from him so we could get out the back door to safety.
    She stayed with him why I’ll never know the answer cause I never got to ask her. I thought I had air more time with mom but I was so wrong. I will
    Never heal from loosing her and i am broken into even more pieces than I was before.
    I can’t help to control my outburst of yelling to my
    Daughter and I have some days feel so empty and emotionless and times I’m so emotional
    Over little things I cry and i rarely ever cry. I have tried to commit suicide when I was in my
    20’s diento anusive relationships and drugs but didn’t succeed and have the tendency to wonder there but I don’t cause my child needs me to
    Protect her from her abusive father. I can’t get his rights taken away cause I don’t have the money to pay for the $2,500 fee to file for his rights to be removed. He has not seen her sonceb12/21/17 and has never paid to support her. I won’t ask formchild support cause I know he will
    Come asking for giant visits back just to get revenge. I have a rough life and rough road ahead of me and I don’t know where I’ll end up or if I’ll loose my
    Mind like both my sisters have, which is scary too cause they both ended up with schizophrenia and scares me to death that one day I’ll wake up with it as well. My younger sister is 38 and started having signs of it at 34-35 and now she full blown out there and no longer the sister I grew up with, and my older sister is 47 and got symptoms of it when she was 42 I believe and she had hers though from a head trauma I’m sure of. My little sister is just gone due to over stressing every little thing. I try not to do that to myself but when things are bad I can’t help it and I end up going nuts and or saying things to partner I don’t mean. I hate this life and it’s so hard to just live and Ben humble and happy but I’m not sure what happy even is anymore causenive always had depression and bipolar but got the bipolar under control for the most part. But when I do get upset it’s cause my partner try’s to tell me what I like and don’t like when I’m telling him no I don’t like that or he’s calling me a liar. I can’t stamd that. That’s sets me off no matter what. Then I get real mad that I can’t control it and he just pushes and pushes til I go off on him and hit or smack him and say things I don’t really mean but I’ve warned him about that and I don’t need know what else lane tondo here. I have tried medication after medication and I can’t take it if it doesn’t help or I have side effects from it. I can’t feel emptiness or feel no emotions cause I have a child and I don’t want that for her. She deserves to see me have approximate emotions towards her. She is my life and my heart my reason for getting off the hard drugs cause she deserves a great parent and one that won’t always be high or drunk in frontman of her. I won’t ever drink in front of her I barely ever drink anymore only when I’m stressed out so bad I can’t and deal with it. Please help me what can I do to get over my i securities and help with talking and explaining things better to my partner so he can understand better. I’m awful with words so I know I’ve used some incorrectly and some wrong but I’m not good at explaining how I’m feeling in the inside.
    I don’t have anyone I can talk to about my problems or emotions I’m having or how I’m feeling cause my parntenr is rarely here he’s at work and my mom doesn’t andnmy sister are mentally disabled. Please help me with some advice on what to do or where to go from here. My psychiatrist told me he couldn’t help me if I stopped taking my meds. I told him I was having a bad reaction to them and he just said wel if you ain’t going to take them then there’s nothing else I can do for you.
    You can just keep seeing your counselor and talking to her through your problems. My counselor doesn’t help me through anything at all.
    Suggestions that are not helpful or she doesn’t listen or understand what I’m going through at all so I just stopped going. They wasn’t helping me what so ever. I need some tea help here so I don’t. Pose my
    Mind like my sisters have.
    Please!!!

  • Denise Edwards August 10, 2019, 8:18 pm

    I want to be creative at work. I work 5 hrs. a day, 5 days a week. I am depressed but feel if I was more creative at work it would at least help. I am a lead-qualified preschool teacher. Every job I have had involves constant lifting and diaper changing. I know these duties are required but I never get to do anything else. I have never worked on curriculum, crafts or boards, or very, very seldom. I expressed this in the interview telling them my goals and I would like to be a co-lead and work on a few more creative things. I like working with toddlers and they had an open position. I was offered a co-lead support teacher position with the understanding that I would also offer support to the other teachers which was fine. About 2 months later they hired another assistant for the Toddler room and I was told that I couldn’t be a co-lead as I was part time. The Director told me this a month or so after I was hired even though she was not in the interview. She will not let me do anything craftwise either. All I do is a lunch break for a teacher and potty breaks for teachers and then nothing. They have nothing for me to do. Then as teachers leave for the night then they bounce me around and shuffle the kids so five teachers or so can leave. They want me to close down multiple rooms which involves lifting chairs and heavy furniture on to the tables so the cleaners can mop the floors etc. I have to dispose of the diapers in the trash. I asked them if I was going to be responsible for multiple rooms and I was told no. They tried to get me to close 3 rooms per night. I finally put my foot down. I am now closing one to two rooms. This is my day. I am not allowed to do anything more. I feel lied to and it is increasing my depression. The Director won’t budge. My sadness has increased. I feel like a vegetable walking around finding a room to go to. Several teachers said I could come in and they would leave early. I mentioned this to the Director but she said if they need to leave early they need to put in a request to let her know. Should I look for another job? Will this situation make things worse? My finance passed away and my mother recently. Things are so hard. I am all alone and my father is a narcissistic who does not care or understand. Thanks for listening. My heart is absolutely breaking.

  • Bhadrasena August 11, 2019, 9:09 pm

    Depression: it’s cause and cure…
    Here is a link to an amazing lecturer who has changed my life. All of his lectures address real life situations and how to deal with them. I hope you can go there with an open mind and watch some.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vjp3btZ6Lb8

  • Bill August 19, 2019, 7:29 am

    This is the first time I have read a list of what “walking depression” feels like and it’s spot on. Something has to change and I feel powerless to change it.

  • Bolanle September 2, 2019, 5:52 am

    It’s been ten months now, and I’m still walking.

  • Elani September 7, 2019, 6:01 am

    I’ve lost my desire to try. I have 2 babies aged 3 months and 22 months. Life seems to be a constant struggle and I feel incompetent and un motivated. My husband picks up all the pieces I drop and it actually makes me feel even more incompetent, because i don’t seem needed at all other than feeding the baby. I don’t see the point in life and can’t seem to bring myself to terms with the whole concept of being positive the whole time. I get preached positivity a lot and it seems to aggravate me more than it helps me. Lost and lonely my dog feels like the closest being to me and then you people that i don’t even know. How did i get here?

  • Margot Koudstaal September 18, 2019, 3:36 pm

    This is me entirely, I have been a zombie but functioning for years, a single mother with all the responsibility and I love my kids but I’m not happy, I haven’t been happy for 10 years. I do all the tricks to try to stimulate it but honestly, this constant pressure won’t be relieved by meditation, the kids need to be fed and clothed and no amount of goodwill will change that. So while I appreciate the advice to move on I think this article lacks the approach of the complete practical, money, housing, food, then me..

  • Shelly September 19, 2019, 11:35 pm

    Ive been clinically depressed for years. But I cant seem to shack it this time. I feel so lost and alone

  • Kimberly Medeiros September 21, 2019, 4:50 pm

    My days consist of waking up wishing I was someone else , going to work, coming home to a place I cant stand, my husband says he isn’t moving so I feel stuck, we have a porch full of stray animals hes feeding and a cat that pees on my rug, he wants sex I have no drive so I cry in the bathroom then force myself to get it over with, I hate weekends because im home , I cant wait for bedtime because dreams are better than real life, lately ive been thinking of leaving just to live somewhere better not more expensive just not a dump but im scared, I am starting to wonder if this is all there is to life whats the point; I constantly talk down to myself, and envy everyone.

  • SammyD September 24, 2019, 12:02 pm

    Literally this is the first time I fely compelled to comment on something like this, but every single one of these described me to a tee. I like im just going through the motions with nothing really making me happy ever, but I continue to fake it till I make it because it’s better then embracing the depression. It’s been this way my whole life and I keep telling myself one day Ill get a better job, be financial stable, and be able to truly do the things that make me feel truly happy, content, and satisfied. Sadly, that day feel like a light at the end of a tunnel that no matter how long I run towards it, I never get any closer to making to that light at the end of the tunnel.

  • CS September 26, 2019, 11:07 am

    Reads like a hit list of everything I’m feeling. I see that change is the answer, but doing that is difficult enough when we’re at our best, let alone while feeling like this. I’m so hollowed out I don’t even know what to say when someone asks how I am. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, or what I hoped to achieve.

  • Craig October 31, 2019, 4:26 am

    I don’t seem to be able to see a point to anything at the moment. I’ve been depressed since I was young but I’m in a really dark place of late and don’t know how to get out.

  • SteveieB November 5, 2019, 10:43 am

    Everyday I feel angry, sad, lonely, empty, worthless so my mood changes and it has effected my relationships with my friends and family. I get jealous, so I hurt the ones I love by getting back at them and making their lives as miserable as mine. I want them to feel how i feel, but I just realized I am not happy with myself I use to be. I feel i am not good enough for anybody. I feel like second choice or last pick. I know im not thats the feed back i get. I told myself I hate feeling like this and I just want to go back to how i was happy again. its no one to blame but myself. I put myself in this position and getting out I cant do alone. I am seeking therapy tomorrow by talking to a psychiatrist and I don’t know if that is even good at all.

  • Vince November 6, 2019, 8:43 am

    You do not know how surreal it was to find this article, and how amazing to me that other people felt this way. Although the article was written about artists and other creatives, I feel that it speaks to everyone. As a 54 yo Engineer, I have been feeling every single one of the items on your list for a few years now. Every. single. one. The hardest for me is not being able to have open and real conversations with anyone, including my wife, because of the need to keep up a facade that everything is OK. But it’s not OK. Being part of the “Walking Depressed” has affected my health, my relationships, my work, my creativity, and most other aspects of my life. This is the FIRST time I have acknowledged it “out loud” anywhere, to anyone. I have yet to find a way to deal with this, but maybe this is a first step.

  • C November 20, 2019, 9:00 pm

    Some of us are too broken to be fixed. We can’t form the relationships we need to heal. We have brain damage from years of chronic childhood abuse, and so we die just as abandoned and alone as we did growing up. No matter what methods we employ, exercise, meditation, trying to maintain relationships, eating well, sleeping well, nothing changes. The damage is permanent. It’s the most depressing realization of all.

  • Tootiredtocareanymore December 7, 2019, 12:53 am

    I’ve always been labelled the “survivor” the “strong one” the “fixer” today when I look in the mirror I don’t recognise or like the look of the person looking back at me.
    I stopped working 5 months ago after my brother died suddenly and I miscarried a very much wanted pregnancy. Initially I understood my sadness, lack of energy, non existent motivation and absolute unwillingness to move my body through a normal daily routine. But its 5 months later I am now homeless, jobless and harbor deep unexplainable resentment towards my husband. We speak different languages literally English and Spanish a year ago I had all the love and patients in the world to explain, listen and converse with him. 5 months ago it took me all of 3 minutes before I’d start yelling, screaming throwing things and lashing out because we weren’t understanding each other. Today I really can’t be fked doing any of that anymore, I simply wait for a moment where I can slip away unnoticed and walk around until I find a place to sit where no one will bother me. I usually try to cry thinking that will release some of the whatever the f this is that I’m feeling but nothing happens and I just sit there starring at nothing until I get cold or need to go to the toilet. I just want to sleep constantly its the only time my head stops making all its noise, I regularly think if only I could go to sleep and not wake up. Then a clarity fart strikes and I remember there are people who love me and they would be hurt if I did something so selfish. Its a clarity fart because its affect is fleeting and its usually only a matter or hours before I feel those same people have abandoned me, aren’t here when I need them and those who are around are so self absorbed they can’t even see what’s happening to me. I know my happiness is meant to be within me but its not and while I am surviving, finding the strength to keep going is becoming more elusive everyday.

  • Someone December 7, 2019, 10:44 am

    Start creating…. creating what? More things just take up more space, and create more stuff to clean or work around. That’s just for me. I’m sure others can benefit from it.

  • Jasper Brookins January 12, 2020, 6:06 pm

    Ugh, yikes, I’m not sure what to say. I’m an artist and I write, and while I adore dedicating time to those passions, I just don’t. I tried to sit down and write today but I just felt…”Nothing.” I’m typically quick with a pen and quick of wit, but I just freeze when I want to write or draw. I used to sing a lot too, three to four times a day. For the past five weeks, however, no amount of singing or music lifts my heart, and to be honest I’ve stopped singing altogether. It’s only by chance I found this article and I can’t even genuinely admit all that’s plagued me.

  • Brett February 1, 2020, 8:03 am

    The hole is too deep.
    The mistakes too many.
    The hope too faint.
    Sometimes, walking depressed is a triumph.
    It’s complicated.
    I don’t know.
    I just wanted to tell someone.
    Delete this comment. It won’t help anyone.
    Thanks.

  • Laura February 12, 2020, 6:38 am

    Ok, I’m not a native English speaker, so please don’t judge me if I make any mistakes. Firstly, I need to say that it is really hard for me to write on this website, because I have never talked about my feelings with anyone, since I feel that I would simply be critized. I’m 18, so I still live with my parents, but I don’t really get emotional support from them. In fact, they seem to consider opening up a sort of weakness and they think that I just play the part of the victim and complain when I try to do so. We don’t talk much, to tell you the truth. They are always the ones to talk at the table during dinner and lunch. They discuss about politics and so on, but I can never join in and express my ideas. I feel that I don’t count anything. Moreover I struggled a lot with my weigh. It’s not like I was fat, but I wasn’t thin either. I don’t really know how it started, but I began despising my body and my own being in the worst way possible. I think it started when my mum told me that I was not as slim as before. I starved myself in order to lose weight. I even managed to lose 10 kilograms, but then I gained them again. I always checked myself in the mirror before going out. It would be normal, if I just took a look at my clothes, but it wasn’t like that. I spent even whole hours looking at my body and hating it. This problem was then extended to my face. I noticed every single imperfection and abhorred it. I don’t know why I’m using past simple, because this kind of neurotic behaviour is still going on. I’m still a student, so I always aim at the best marks, but then people started telling me that I manage to do so because I simply hit the books (which is true) and that I’m not intelligent. This really got me, because my mother would always tell me that I was stupid whenever I made a mistake. I still think that I am really stupid. Whenever I do something wrong, I start telling myself that I should be ashamed because I am stupid. I just hate everything about myself. I know that I should not. I know that I should focus on the good side of life, but I am not always able to do it. I’m drowning in self-despisal and I do sometimes think that nothing is worth it. And I am not worth it. Advice would be helpful

    • Skye March 6, 2020, 9:18 am

      Body image is part of your mental health. When you look in the mirror, and don’t like what you see, you must first ask yourself: Is it really the image you don’t like or just yourself? A healing journey starts with accepting the outside, because we must work on the inside first. When people have body image issues they think that if they could just lose some weight or that if only they looked a little different. But this is not the root of your self-image issue, it is a symptom of it. Self-image encapsulates all of who you think you are. When people think of themselves as undesirable or when they can’t think of things they like about themselves (any attribute psychical or mental), they begin to hate their body, and blame it for their problems.
      When you look in the mirror, and find yourself saying self-hate things, consciously make a decision to say positive things only. Think of your own brain as your bully. When she begins saying look how ugly – tell her to stop. If she says your shirt looks makes you look fat, tell her you think it makes you look adorable. Think of yourself as someone that needs protecting, something precious worth protecting from a bully. Those negative thoughts are your bully. Say to yourself I think your hair has a lovely shine or your eyes may be sad right now but the color is rich and vibrant. Tell yourself you have a winning smile, and that your calves have a really nice curve to them. Think of outlandish compliments that you’ve never heard before for fun (such as ‘Wow, my fingers are very nicely shaped’, or ‘The skin on the inside of my wrist has a lovely hue to it’ or ‘My silhouette is very unique’). Start complimenting yourself in the mirror – even if you absolutely don’t believe it. Just saying it to yourself is enough to start a conscious effort to stop the self-hate speech. Protect yourself from the person you feel is your biggest enemy: Yourself. One day you may even find that you’ve said more nice things than mean, and you won’t feel like you are your biggest critic anymore.

      You are not stupid. Knowledge gained through hard work is not something to be ashamed of. No one is a “genius” without spending their time learning. Even people who are considered prodigies spend most their life practicing their craft. When you achieve high grades, or any other achievement, through hard work, or a lot of studying, you should feel extremely proud. Working hard to reach goals is admirable. Not everyone “just gets” tests, and that’s completely normal and okay. If your peers make fun of you for working hard, remember that you are becoming good at soaking in knowledge from material. When you go to college you will have to know good study techniques to pass higher level classes, and you are a step ahead because you will know your best study methods. Even if you don’t go to college, employers love employees who are diligent and desire to better their chances of moving up through learning and hard-work.

      Self-hate is not something that you can just think away in a couple days. It will take working hard to overcome what your brain tells you that you are. It is tiny habits that we are taught to not build. We as a society try to be humble, and not brag, but sometimes it goes to far to the point that we are ashamed or embarrassed to compliment ourselves, even to ourselves. Tell yourself good job when you complete a task, tell yourself that you look really nice in that shirt, tell yourself you CAN do it. Tell yourself these things even if you don’t believe them. Even if you think you are silly to think those things to yourself, do it anyway. Nobody but you has to know that you are trying to talk to yourself more positively, because you aren’t obligated to tell people what you think. So don’t hesitate to compliment yourself at every turn. This won’t make you conceited, it is only to counterbalance the negative self-talk. You are worth it.

  • Donna May 13, 2020, 7:13 am

    Everything that I have read is me, it is my life. I didn’t realize I was in a walking depression, I just know that I always feel unaccomplished, empty, bitter and just unable to relate to people that just seem so damned happy. I dare say I’m resentful of those people because I don’t know how to get there and I didn’t know what was standing in the way. I too, have put everyone before me for so long and now I feel left behind and abandoned. I just want to feel free from…”I have to…”, I’m supposed to…”, I need to…”. Just realizing that “I” or what I want/need, is never included in the “…”.

    The quarantine and a couple of other major life changing situations have exacerbated every negative thought and feeling to the point of almost complete emotional breakdown. I have started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, which is actually a good thing. She has helped me to really see that I have totally neglected my life and what makes me happy. I think I have been grieving the life that I didn’t get to live and I’m angry with myself for not making different decisions. Everyday I pray for peace in my heart and soul. Reading the article and these comments is helping me understand the changes that I need to make to find peace.

    • Jo James June 4, 2020, 2:16 pm

      You are not on your own with your feelings Donna. I am the same but haven’t managed to take the next step in getting help I just keep plodding on with a smile on my face. I feel dead inside and have nowhere to turn due to the lockdown. I am about to become a grandmother for the first time soon which is the only light at the end of the tunnel. I’m miserable with my husband who has turned out to be a narcissist and has got me to the point where I don’t know my own thoughts. Never thought of myself a having walking depression but it all makes sense. I hope you get the help you need and i get the strength to do something about my situation.

  • Lucy May 26, 2020, 5:27 pm

    I am not a mother, nor do I have responsibilities that require me to be ‘hard done by’ or ‘busy’. Some people would say my life is great and to some from the outside it may look that way. But really, if I’m truthfully honest to myself, I am so sad.
    It’s not a sad that shows, it’s a sad that lies within and never goes away. It’s been there for as long as I can remember, I can disguise it as a being that down to earth, funny, “happy” person.
    Some days it’s not overpowering but most days it’s heart breaking, it’s like I don’t even know myself anymore and I’m just watching myself crumble away.
    Tonight I write this because yet again I’m having one of those days and yet again I have no idea how to change it.

  • Tracy May 30, 2020, 12:45 pm

    Hi, how do you write on how you feel as it’s not easy.
    You look normal,act normal but underneath your far from normal that’s what your mind thinks.
    I read what you said about walking depression and that is the hardest thing to live with but it makes a lot of sense now.

  • Jo James June 4, 2020, 2:09 pm

    Never thought of it like this before but I am in a state of walking depression and have been for years. I put everyone before me and get nothing in return. Whenever i try to talk to my husband about how i feel it’s like a competition as to who is more tired etc. He does nothing at home, he works hard as do I. I resent him and am constantly on egg shells. It’s been like this for so long I feel it’s the norm now.

  • Unkownhesham June 17, 2020, 6:46 pm

    I live in a society where mental illness doesnt “exist “ , i have no-one that will take me seriously i can’t visit a therapist because then i feel like im too weak To solve this alone …will someone ever read this ? I give up

  • Lis the outsider June 26, 2020, 11:11 pm

    Reading this brought tears to my eyes, but lately everything does. I see a YouTuber wedding video and I cry, I see a couple walking hand in hand on the street and I cry, I see a baby being born on a movie scene and I cry.
    I miss the old me, the girl full of expectations, plans and dreams, the girl who moved to another country looking for better opportunities and a new experiences with a suitcase full of dreams and goals that seem to have evaporated in thin air.
    I bought a bike that I don’t use, I got a pair of ice skates and haven’t wear them once, I brought my tennis rackets from my last visit home and they haven’t left the suitcase. I stopped writing, I stopped scrapbooking, I even sold my camera, because I wasn’t traveling enough.
    I can work, but it’s a hassle getting out of bed in the morning. I’m always 5 minutes late. I don’t have local friends, co-workers are co-workers and classmates or roommates lasted all but one year, the year I was in college when I just got here. The only connection I made was with the guy I fell in love with, but he has bigger problems than mine, the life he’s offering is not the life I have wanted for myself for so long. I feel that I allowed myself to be plucked from my world and my ways and dropped into his, filled with all his issues that I have no idea how to deal with, or even if I should. No matter how much he says he loves me. I don’t even know what he loves about me now, if I myself can’t seem to be happy in my own skin.
    I have secluded myself in the smallest town I’ve seen when I used to feel sofocated in a city! A city that I promised myself I was not to stay in all of my life.
    When I got a liking to travel and wanting to see this magnificent world we’re in I never thought it would be such a lonely or even miserable dream. I have no one to share it with. My hobbies and passions are not even that anymore. My work pays the bills but is not satisfying at all. And when I have the chance to take that weekend getaway I keep saying I need, it just feels so daunting that I just let it go, preferring to spend my two free days in bed, unmoving and turning my phone off so nobody brothers me. I watch shows or read a book about more exiting lives than my own; of people making their dreams a reality. Mine are never gonna be real.
    So much time has passed and continues to go by and I’m still here, unmoving.
    I’m thinking that I need to go back home, move back to my home country and try there, where things are more familiar and my loved ones are near. But really all I think is that means accepting defeat. Going back with my shattered dreams and unfulfilled goals, ashamed and angry.
    I just want to be the always smiling and excited girl again. I just want to feel right again. And I don’t know how to do it.

    Thank you.
    Lis

  • Ruth Appleton July 1, 2020, 2:41 pm

    You’ve hit the nail on the head. All my life I was told I had some artistic talent yet I lacked the confidence to embrace it. My brother loved my creativity and encouraged me. Somehow after his suicide I could not draw or create anymore. I’ve been suffering ever since. I’ve tried other ways to be interesting but feel often let down. I am definitely a walking depressive and I don’t deny it but medicine is failing me and I have no support bubble. The worst has to be the bitterness I have when I know others are happy even though I am glad for them inside its eating me alive. Its not easy to do as you suggest. I volunteer, I work for someone who’s vulnerable and try to help others but everything suffers still even my marriage. It’s a hard path walking like a zombie all the time and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

  • N July 3, 2020, 8:08 am

    2019 is the year I totally broke down. I feel so empty and have moments of panic attack coupled with crying episodes. I totally withdrew from some of my friends. There are times I talk with close friends. But, at the back of my mind, I cannot confide in them even my family members about this darkness i succumb to. I always imagine myself wearing a mask – laughing and smiling. This has been a routine to the point I just felt tired. So tired, I think of ways to end life. But, I am still afraid of actually doing it. I feel so wrenched because of things not going my way even if I tried everything- going home late due to extra load of work, having my graduate studies and piled up responsibilities. This year is the first time I ever vocalized that I feel taken advantage of. Normally, i do the work without qualms. I hate what i am becoming. Most of the time, i think something died inside me. Up until now, i cannot label that part in me. I want to be hopeful. But, it seems like i cannot push through a barrier. I will always go back to my fears and constant self hate. I feel so alone. I cannot talk to anyone about it.
    I feel like a failure. I am trying but to no avail. I feel guilty of being empty and lazy because of escaping from my work responsibilities.
    It is still a struggle to love myself.

    • Wayne July 31, 2020, 5:00 am

      At least there are lots out there like me. {see what I wrote on why this is happening to be below} I get the crying at times, its not nice is it, but with me I have everything, and job that even now with this virus I got so much work, great family and frinds, money, nice car, but been so ,nely all my life, never had a girlfriend until 52 cos so shy, and just 4 one night stands, then whet out with the girl of my dreams, then she ended it after 4 years, and there was no row. God I been so fed up all my life, I THOUGHT it was all over when Frances came into my life, I cried with her cos I was so happy, now I dont get up till 12, and just try to get though the fed up day. BUT it should not be like this, but it is. I find it hard to meet someone else, but to be honest I only want her back, I “MISS” her for much all the time, it just hurts and hurts. I look young, but 60 soon, all those years wasted and me feeling so fed up.

      Wayne

  • Jo July 9, 2020, 8:27 am

    I am so so unhappy in my life I think about how my family would be and feel if i left this world all the time .I’m in a relationship with a man I hate most of the time but without him around I couldnt get the children places I feel their lives would be boring and they love their dad dearly I feel so trapped

  • Scaramouche July 26, 2020, 12:14 am

    A heavy, suffocating, gray wool blanket has crushed me for my entire life. I can remember it weighing me down when I was four years old. I keep walking around and talking, but it is all meaningless and pointless. It will never end.

  • Wayne July 31, 2020, 4:50 am

    Yes I know what you mean about not enjoying anything, I used to love my work and training, and still do in a way, but its coming up to 5 years since my first girlfriend left me, and everything is still so dull and boring, just nothing mattes any more. i get up at 12, cos I cant face the day without her, and then its a case of just getting the the day, and wanting to go to bed again. I used to try and thrive on life, saying that I was so lonely before her, it was hell, now its another form on hell. I was so shy, Frances was a friend I had a crush on from 14, then at 53 she was my first girlfriend, for 2 years then she just left me, and will not even talk to me, and there was no row. Feel so fed up “ALL” the time, cant take it or live like this.

    Wayne

  • Wendy August 1, 2020, 9:06 am

    I have struggled with depression on some level most of my life. Alot of people don’t understand it. I’m almost 40 yrs old and having a real living nightmare in my life this year. I feel like no one can really help me …..not even myself. Feels very alone very heartbreaking and very frustrating .. I feel lost

  • Brittany August 8, 2020, 1:01 pm

    I’ve been unhappy my entire life. I’ve been in therapy, taken meds and nothing seems to help. I don’t know how to pick the right friends, lovers, career and I’m 33. While I appreciate your list of things to help such as “practice gratitude,” this is a little more complex… it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain.

    • Danielle August 18, 2020, 10:58 am

      I feel your pain. I’m 29 and am feeling the same way. Have you looked into ketamine or mushrooms for treatment? That’s where me and my parents are headed. I’ve been on a large number of antidepressants for 11 years with little benefit – they’ve only helped me to stay alive.

  • Danielle August 18, 2020, 10:54 am

    I’m stuck in a business that I hate. I’m 29 and still living at home due to severe bouts of depression and suicide attempts. I wanted to make music but I’ve fallen into a hole where nothing is even remotely enjoyable for me anymore. I’m going to start ketamine treatment soon so I hope that helps. I used to sing every day but don’t anymore. I feel helpless. I know that I need to get out of my town because of the traumas I’ve endured here but I don’t know how to make it happen. I don’t know what I want anymore and it makes me feel like a complete failure.

  • Tim August 18, 2020, 9:54 pm

    I am so pent up with depression, long term ill health and really crappy circumstances. It’s nearly 6am, I struggle to sleep and my depression and illness has got worse. I exist but I don’t live. I’m broken deep inside. I surrender everything to the Lord but I’m still empty.

    I’m fed up being ill, depressed, losing jobs, not sleeping properly, wishing to hide myself away or live somewhere in the mountains or off the beaten track. God help me! I don’t want to live like this ANYMORE!!!

    Yes, I can identify with this. I’m broken, limping on to somewhere else only to find I’m unhappy there. Only sleep gives me unconscious bliss. I’m also a frustrated writer. That’s one of the hardest things.

  • Laurie August 20, 2020, 2:46 pm

    I feel like I force myself to function. I believe that people are reluctant to believe that I might have walking depression because I can hide it so well. I had a hard time getting antidepressants. I saw young people taking them. For many years I was a depressed woman without antidepressants. People would tell me that there is something different going on. Now I struggle to get myself to
    work. I have trouble taking care of myself, but I do it anyway because I have to. I need to work because I am not rich. I get stressed out a lot. I
    talk about my self hatred. I realize that self hatred is wrong, but it feels right. I compare myself to others. Whenever I hear about people doing well, it makes me feel doomed. I was told that I was a delusional liar that was like a child that wants attention. I want to be understood. I know that verbal abuse and inappropriate comments have been used to upset me when I was impressionable. I am single because I hate myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to be married. I worry that no man would love me anyway. I can’t seem to stop with my negative thoughts. I have a sibling rivalry because I feel like my siblings look down on me. I don’t need them anyway. I dream about people yelling at me or myself yelling at others. When I am extremely anxious, I am paranoid. Most of the time, I feel like I don’t deserve respect. I have been told that I am violent. I believed it. I know that I have not hurt anyone bad physically, but I do have very dark past. When someone criticizes me, I try harder, but I have trouble taking it even if it is constructive. Reality is that I can deal with rude people if I try because I had to before. It hurts that I am not as good as others. I didn’t deserve a card from work after my Dad died. I got angry as hell after Dad died. It scared me. Maybe I feel depressed because depression is easier to hide than anger. There are too many thoughts in my head. I have always been worried about looking conceited. I concentrate on insults. My Mom tells me to stop talking about people being mean to me. Even when I am talking positive, being nice and really hiding everything, I feel worse. I am tired of holding everything inside. I don’t like the rich lady who could show her depression because I don’t have her opportunity. Work isn’t feeling therapeutic. I force myself to do it. Everything takes a lot of force. Getting into bed is incredibly hard because I agree that sleeping is lazy. This sounds so paranoid. My antipsychotics don’t seem to help me love me. I don’t know what is wrong. Trying to raise my self esteem, I drag my legs to the bathroom to brush my teeth. It’s nice to have a uniform so I don’t have to think a lot. I think of myself as slow and can possibly be mistaken as a slow person unless I push myself as hard as I can. I’m not myself for anyone. I’m not an alcoholic or a druggy, but I am addicted to other self destructive things like I used to be a shopaholic. It gives me a high. Since I have been treated like I am not depressed, I see myself getting worse all the time. It’s called a mid life crisis. I remember seeing people taking antidepressants while they were getting support. I always thought that I looked like I needed no one. I felt like people wanted to accuse me of a woman who is above average height, unusually strong physically since I used to be extremely athletic when I was younger to deal with anxiety, a mad woman that was expected to physically harm others. I became withdrawn. I don’t know what is wrong. I feel like I must prove myself. I realize that it’s great that I don’t do alcohol so that no one will take advantage of me because I don’t want that since I’m really messed up enough. All day long, I think poor me. This is my day off of work. I hate it. I’m not proud of my heritage. I don’t have the right to. Everyone seems to be better than me. I can’t control my stupid thoughts. I am not suicidal because I think Suicide is for weak people who are stupid. I don’t deserve sympathy. I don’t deserve validation, but it’s what I have been craving for all of my life. Since I am white, how can I be having a mid life crisis? I’m supposed to be happy, successful and loved. People look down on me because I guess that I try to hard to be accepted. I have friends who I cherish, but I wonder if I can keep up good relationships. It seems like all of the good things in life get me exhausted because I rather not, but I feel like I can’t stop trying to get over this horrible feeling of doom. It feels too bad and that is why I push myself around because I believe it’s the only way out.

  • Losthart September 5, 2020, 2:08 pm

    So Im 37 now, i’ve never been on a date or even kissed another person(outside of my family). My whole life now one has said “I love you”, except family and that never seems to mean enough. When people tell me to hold on and that there is hope and one day ill find the right one; it just makes me more depressed. Sometimes i think i can see my own future. At night i sometimes picture myself on my death bed with only a nurse by my side. They try to console me but i always turn my head and refuse it because lifes already over and i cant be happy. Sometimes i do this just to get the sad out and sometimes it creeps up on me when i least suspect it, at any time of the day. Im always so exausted from trying to always to the right thing. I just wish someone would treat me the way i treat others. I always feel broken inside and time is almost up. I dont want to kill myself anymore but i would jump at the chance to give my life for someone else just so i can die helping someone and end my pain in a good way.

  • J September 22, 2020, 6:57 pm

    I’m so very sad, but functioning well. Learned my second husband whom I adored had been hooking up on work trips regularly, so many lies. He just got sober 6 months ago and I thought things would finally be better. Still lying. Have heart condition and though I have two close friends, I feel quite isolated during covid. I really wanted this marriage. I miss my husband. I feel lonely, sad, like I’ll always be alone. I tried meds and felt numb and spacey so stopped. I walk most days, meditate some. I work. I keep the house and try to be cheerful to my kids who really no longer need me. I don’t know what the point is.

  • Ash September 29, 2020, 4:45 am

    I’m ready to get out of this rut but I rarely do anything to change my circumstance. I absolutely love night and early morning before the sun wakes up. Although nothing changes in my life during those times it’s so peaceful and I do feel at ease. I don’t cook, I barely wash and I force myself to do things I need to do by anchoring those things to other people. I easily disappoint and give up on myself but I feel guilty when I do it to others. But as of late I flake in them too. My house is a mess and I live in it. It’s to the point where I don’t invite people over so I won’t be judged. Nothing excites me. I numb out watching tv and playing games on my phone. This post is even an avoidance for me. I lost 3 very special people in my life and I don’t think I feel a thing. I’m sad and I totally lost my way. I don’t even pray anymore. I believe in God but for some reason I’ve lost my faith. I see my depression in my family show up slightly different but I know it’s there. I especially see it in my mom and it makes me resent her a bit. It’s kind of like hating yourself. She made me and I hate the part of me that is most like her. Today I cried about it. I’m ready to change and do better. It’s to the point where I feel that an step I make would be so small and insignificant in comparison to what it would take to really move my life in the direction that I want to be in that it discourages me from even trying. Sometimes I stay in the house and feel disgusting and when I do finally leave out, I look in the mirror like “damn u don’t look bad”. So I know your thoughts and feelings are a very powerful thing. They are powerful but not always true. I have no action plan. I want to learn how to push pass these feelings and see the other side of my dark thoughts.

  • Miley October 4, 2020, 5:26 pm

    I’m trying to put my feelings into words and can’t even do this properly. I can’t do simple tasks like I used to. I have no motivation until late at night, then when I do go to sleep, it’s only for a few hours. I’m emotionally sucked dry from everyday life. My husband is very emotionally and physically draining. I want to leave him, he makes me feel 20 times worse when he’s around, but he also guilt trips me into staying. I have 4 grown children, my daughter (26) died 4 yrs ago, I know I haven’t properly grieved her death, and I have 3 grown sons. I quit my job 2 yrs ago and I feel like I never do anything but clean and stay in my head all day. My step son (21) lives with my husband and I and doesn’t work. I am very resentful for having to cleaning up after the both of them and keep it bottled up inside and then 1 small action sets me off, making me look like I’m crazy for having any resentful feelings. My husband has all the answers, leaving me feeling belittled and stupid. I’m pretty sure he’s cheating, but he won’t admit it and I’m not stupid. I feel so stuck and helpless, no physical motivation, no happiness no joy. I used to be so happy, couldn’t wait to live my life, now I feel like a bitter old hag with no life purpose.

  • Dannelle October 19, 2020, 11:58 pm

    I’m definitely going through something can’t sleep I’m constantly up my mind is all over the place everyone around me is unable to help. How do I get out this feeling and get some form of rest. I’m crying out for this to stop as I’m usually a bubbly person.

  • Unknown October 29, 2020, 3:19 pm

    So.. im a 13 year old who just doesnt feel it anymore, all i do throughout my day is do what is expecting of me by the adults, if i dont do something they say, im the bad one, if i dont, im emotionless, i feel overworked and useless, honestly all that is making me feel emotion is a boy, yes, you heard me, a boy, all i want in life is to be succesful to my family, but it seems no matter what i do, im not good enough, so all i do now is walk through my day like nothing i do matters, and endless cycle, i dont see ive changed or will ever, i find myself useless and unworthy, ive been diagnosed with depression on and off ever since i was 5.. ive seen alot, ive been molested 3 times, an attempt molest, abused, neglected, bullied… ive tried k***ing myself at least 60 times, all i want is to stop getting pressured to being perfect and to actually feel emotion again, i hope you understand…

  • Jennaleigh October 31, 2020, 2:14 am

    Thank you for sharing this reminding us what we experience is real and we are not alone it’s not just in my head. I think I’m at the slowest stroll but I’m still walking through this uncertainty and fog being as hopeful as I can be but being taunted by those thought demons reminding me and telling me this won’t change the story always ends the same way with me being alone fighting for things that perhaps I can not change

  • Veronica November 5, 2020, 3:14 am

    I feel like this. I’m sad and lonely all day but I keep moving because I have a family to take care of. I have put all of every one else’s needs before me because I don’t want to let them down or make them feel like I don’t care about them. My husband’s especially. We have 3 kids together 12, 5, 3 months. I know I was not very tentive with my first and I carry that guilt. And I was always working with my second. My husband and I have gone through a lot of things in our relationship. Even as far as him cheating on me. So I know I carry that thought of its because I wasn’t good enough or I failed to do something. But every day feels like I can’t meet up to those expectations I have of myself. I’ve set that bar so high it feels so unattainable. I love to draw and create things it makes me feel good. But any time I sit down to do it I feel guilty. I don’t deserve time for myself. I don’t have that time for myself. Then all day I walk around feeling like I’m not good enough but ill never let any one see that. Because then I’m horrible. I have no reason to be this way. Is what I feel everyone will say to me

  • Dacota November 17, 2020, 4:11 pm

    Every thing i think about has a dark tent to it and i can’t get out of my own head. i’m scared this will never end. i’m alone.

  • Sara November 20, 2020, 7:38 am

    When I look back I truly can not remember when I had the spark of life in me – you know, that pure joy and easiness in your whole body. I had an unruly childhood and a very depressed father, and sometimes I wonder if I was born with a genetical melancholic cloud hanging over me. I function in my everyday, I am studying to become a psychologist in Sweden, I have a good relationship with my family back home in Iceland and I have a good boyfriend and good friends. However, I always feel low in energy, negative, pessimistic – a victim of my own feelings and thoughts. I have constant doubts about doing ‘the right thing’ and being in ‘the right place’ – not wasting time. I struggle to find peace in the moment and find comfort in myself exactly where and as I am. I am only 23 and still on the way of discovering who I am.

  • Cath November 24, 2020, 9:46 am

    I’m 17. I don’t know what to do anymore

  • abby December 7, 2020, 9:40 pm

    so I’m really sure I have walking depression but here’s the sad part I’m only a 13-year-old girl in middle school and this article really describes me but instead of feeling better at night I still feel bad all day because of all the negative thoughts overpower positive things and I think about what I have to do the next day and the following day and so on and so forth.

  • Michelle December 20, 2020, 6:48 pm

    All the above are me, i function in day to day life but im just existing, I’m deeply unhappy and make everyone around me unhappy. I’m struggling with my job that I’ve fallen out of love with,so I’m trying to succeed in something else but am struggling with training,working my long hours and taking care of everyone but me, i keep convincing myself i will snap out of it,but this as been going on a very long time. My relationship is now on the verge of ending after 27years because of my constant mood changes. I didn’t want to go down the route of medication as i have in my twenties been on anti depressants and these made me gain a lot of weight.

  • Dn December 22, 2020, 11:52 pm

    Dr Jacob is a real love spell caster : Jacobman41@ outlook. com

  • Ellen Alonzo December 24, 2020, 10:13 pm

    I feel like this everyday, I have no energy, I hate my life, I hate my job and I have a hard time getting motivated in the morning. I never feel happy anymore. I don’t know how to deal with this, I want to be happy again. Being sad like this is a hard way to live.

  • Bianca January 5, 2021, 4:35 pm

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    -LOW SPERM COUNT]]
    -STAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS]]
    -STROKE]]
    -IMPOTENCE]]
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    -LOW SPERM COUNT]]
    -STAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS]]
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    -IMPOTENCE]]
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    –HEPATITIS A,B AND C]]
    -COLD SORE]]
    -LOWER RESPIRATORY INFECTION]]
    -LOW SPERM COUNT]]
    -STAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS]]
    -STROKE]]
    -IMPOTENCE]]
    -PILE]]
    -HYPERTENSION]]
    -MENOPAUSE DISEASE]]
    -ASTHMA]]
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  • ......... January 12, 2021, 7:28 pm

    I wake up everyday at 5, start studying till 10, from 10 to 1 I attend meetings of my college society along with doing studies in the background, yeah I multitask a lot, after 1 I do lunch and bathing and then start studying again till 6 in the evening, there are also some college classes in between I attend along with my self studies, after 6 to 9 I focus on learning and teaching piano and guitar, after 9 I have some time to look after my whole day and boy do I have some not so pretty thoughts about my existence, like yesterday I posted my best cover yet on isnta, my friends and family loved it, I won debates that day as well, also scored well in my studies test, yet I just felt empty, I am barely able to sleep more than 5 hours each day, I dont know what am I doing anymore, If my existence makes any sense anymore, I dont know. I am just unhappy with everything, I dont have any sort of financial or family issues, I just think I am acting like I am having anxiety, depression etc. just to get attension from others, why am I even typing this on a site I have clue about, IDK, I hate myself, does it all make any sense????
    I got into the best university of my country yet I still feel empty, or just maybe jealous of others talent…….. I am sorry, I dont know where this post is going like my life……….

    • Gabby April 30, 2021, 12:26 pm

      I think us humans at our very core cannot be satisfied or content with life. Jesus is the only thing that has bought a sense of contentment into my life.

  • K January 15, 2021, 10:32 pm

    I feel exactly like this. Functioning, working, putting on the show but like a shell. Empty.
    I have worked hard to always improve myself and my life, I look after my kids and do my best, but I feel so tired and just no energy to even try when I don’t have to. 4 years ago my younger sister died and that really shook me but I had to be and continue to be strong for everyone, I never really have had any time my whole life to just be with me without the constant worrying, thoughts, negative self talk. These days I find it hard to even motivate myself for any self care. I can’t even control my eating anymore and weight is just piling on. These horrible times I just don’t know what to do anymore, I sometimes cry but even then the tears won’t come it’s just a second or two then I stop myself. Anyway helps to read I’m not alone.

  • Andrew January 30, 2021, 5:22 am

    A 30 year old single and lonely man who has no “fuel” left in the tank, so to speak. I’ve come to learn it is easy to let big mistakes in your past wreck your present happiness. Worry, guilt and anguish over what could have been led to me having a panic attack. I struggle with being happy every single day and still grieving over past events. I am coming to learn that ruminating over these events is a fruitless task because those decisions were made at a time when you didn’t know any better. The realization of my mistakes have all come along at once and I am now seeing a therapist to resolve and move on in life, but i understand it ultimately has to come from within myself.

    Mistakes are meant to be made in life so we can grow and learn. Yet I still feel numb to happiness. The ideas that I have to change my life and make it better do not tend to bring me any happiness either. I don’t know what to do.

  • Steven w bodell February 16, 2021, 3:46 pm

    From the. Outside it would seem i
    have everything going for me i have my own tattoo studio and people love me. But i feel so alone an down i could end it all

  • Bradley Harwood February 20, 2021, 1:49 am

    When you come out of depression “mental health” psychiatry will be there to detain you, force drug you, and mess you up, re-traumatising you all over again. It’s a vicious circle by people who love the wages of wickedness, the greed and hunger for money and power over other people’s lives. I’ve known this since 1982. – Amen

  • Beth February 22, 2021, 3:26 pm

    I feel like I wrote this. I am so glad I found your article. For the past couple of years I have felt crazy. Like this is just life; that there is no more to it. Your article has helped me realise that I am not alone. That I am not crazy. That there are better times ahead. Whenever I feel so overwhelmed that I just retreat into myself and want the whole world to go away, I will reread this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • Anonymous February 25, 2021, 11:44 am

    Here I go again, yeah I m tired off writing like dis about my feelings on random websites and commented anywhere I found appropriate place coz this is the only way I have to vent it out my inner lava else where would i go? But still i keep doing it so that i could save myself from drowning into this darkness coz I have heard little sharing would help though I despised sharing my thoughts,having trust issues I struggle to open up before anyone , once have or manu times tried dis but always found myself carrying in guilt of oversharing at the end .I m student a,19 year old student ,a young youth and I don’t have any idea where my life is heading well I m not feeling to write in detailed feelings of mine or exactly how I feels I m pathetic at expressing my thoughts I lways failed put my thoughts exactly , my writing would be full with ambiguity coz I mysekf confused what I have to write what I m feeling and what’s my life ,how do I contrived everyone what’s up in my head …Infact I cry most of time for no reason though there must be a big reason but I don’t have any answer of all dis whenever I try to discover I ended up being numb and totally BLANK, it seems like I m running ,time is flying with the speed of light and life going just going days passing and passing and I m rushing just keep on running I want rest ,i m yearning to rest for a while I want to feel happiness I want to feel joy without any guilt ,without any frustration ,without any anxiety and stress , I want to sit calmly and just need a peace I want a rest from this bustling life everything ,everyone is racing to reach nowhere, I don’t know what’s my destiny is but I m tired off totally everything I m tired off being harsh to myself, I don’t want to heal I don’t to transform myself I m doing it I m tired off dis constant efforts of pulling myself up raising myself high working on goals , dis feeling as if I’m exaggerating my life problems sucks me, I m hella confused wid my feeling it feels my thoughts are scattered I don’t know how to put them in organized form ,I m turning so negative ,I always envious of everyone ,most of the time i see myself dealing mood swings ,a frustrated punk for no reason , do I need help ? How do I get ? Am I worsening my life or risking it more by neglecting my health?Everyday is same day for me , now my hands are losing the grip off dis “hope and faith” pillar due to which I was moving wid my life now my energy is running down it fuel is downgrading, i can’t hold on more I need to leave it now coz I m seriously tired ,happiness is not even for name ‘s sake’s in my life ………..I m done I m sorry !

  • Denial is my middle name February 26, 2021, 7:57 pm

    God, have I been in denial this entire time? I feel like I’ve been holding on by a thread. Reading this I feel like a weight has been lifted, but at the same time I have a mountain of shit to work through. I’ve been denying my creative side my whole life and now I’m 32 years old and so lost. I have a massive creative block, I used to be able to write for hours a day, people would give me journals as gifts, but now I can’t even get a cohesive sentence together. This was a dose of reality. Sometimes I despise google.

  • Ro February 28, 2021, 4:31 pm

    I’ve been in walking depression for 17 years now. Most of it came from a man I married that has dragged me down. He’s very nice supportive but we are on two different levels. Im leaving him though in hopes to find my happiness. He is not giving me the life I deserve or visioned for myself. All he wants to do is sit and watch TV and eat. Never say let’s go on a trip or anything. He is financially abusive to me without even knowing it. My credit is terrible because everything is in my name. And every year I’m with him the angrier I get. It causing problems in my day to day relationships with family and friends because I shy away from things. In a relationship I thought you were suppose to lean on each other. He has leaned on me so much I’ve fallen and if I lean on him we both fall. This has put me in a deep depression. I never thought my life would be like this. I dont even really want another person in my life because I’m afraid of what may happen. At this point I can’t possibly go through again what im going through now with anybody. I’d love the idea of a supportive mate that could add to my life in a positive way: mentally, spiritually financially and physically, that loved me. but damn I dont want the heartache of carrying all the load myself. I just dont believe God intended it to be that way.

  • Rei March 1, 2021, 4:13 pm

    I hate that term. “Walking Depression”-if its situational as in having to put up with a bad situation for a long time like this Pandemic,that’s normal sane behavior. Anyone who trivializes it get away from them. Repeatedly harassing someone with “toughen up” “it’s not THAT bad” I consider that assault and battery and could be redacted to the same as a physical assault. Those that are clinically severely depressed are not Walking. That’s their cope. Their drink,drug,med,or activity-driving very fast and such. Some will keep it up for life. I actually would think that it would be worse than awake at night substance abuser stereotype forcing smiles and all. I can also see getting comfort in being able to to a big part of The Society.

  • Jacqueline March 13, 2021, 1:38 am

    Wow, I’m so glad to have found this – I have been struggling for years – and now realize I have been deeply sad & unhappy for longer than I realized. I have always put others before myself, married at 17 & three gorgeous kids who I sacrificed everything for – it was my joy & my purpose and my life, I realize now that it was a mistake. Although I couldn’t be prouder – my kids have grown to be amazing wonderful funny caring working humans! But my life is rubbish. I am a walking depressant. I will be 54 tomorrow, I am thankful that physically I am healthy – it’s my mental health I need to heal. Before it’s too late. I have a part time job, an unhappy marriage, parents that let me down and abandoned me & I need to find a way to live the rest of my days happy – but most of all meaningful.

  • Ifeelthesame March 16, 2021, 8:55 pm

    I feel exactly the same everyday. I am a guy in a high paying job but have had this feeling for years now. It started after my relationship ended badly but that was like a decade ago and now I am married. But that wasn’t the only reason and now it’s been so long that I don’t even know the reason reason why I feel this way. But the feeling has percolated to my every day life where I my capability to manage any stress or pressure has gone down significantly and all I think is “what’s the point” “what’s the purpose” “how am I achieving something with this job” etc. I am constantly irritable but keep working as I need to amass money for I don’t know what but give I was poor as a child isn’t allowing me to break free so I am stuck. I believe I have a gift with music but haven’t done anything about it and this covid situation isn’t helping as I can’t travel or go back home (I live abroad) so essentially I feel stuck

  • Selim El HInnawi March 30, 2021, 5:32 pm

    im very young and im facing a society where i cant be depressed because im still considered a child. only playing my sport makes me happy. going to school gives me the constant urge to just fuck it all and jump out the window and get over it all. ive not self harmed or gone into drugs or alcohol to cope yet. im proud i havent but theres this constant feeling that i wont make it and that i will ruin my life. im not coping. i just let it control me. i let the pain and anger and sadness affect my everyday life and every little thing can bring me to the ground in tears. i can be happy at home and then my mother mentions school and in a blink of an eye it all goes away and im left in this state of “fuck this”. i have no motivation do do shit even though i know i have to. i sleep to get away. i cant tell my mother because whenever she asks me why am i constantly sad, she just says if its school which it mostly is then she doesnt care. what am i supposed to do ive opened up to a friend who turned out to be completely oblivious to the situation and as how to help me. i spoke to my cousin about it and about how i have a porn and masturbating addiction. she helped with the second part but the unhappiness just hasnt left. if anything its increasing by the day. worsening and growing. and i cant do anything about it. just left this comment to let it out. thanks for whoever might read this.

  • Nikki April 5, 2021, 10:57 am

    I get angry easily and feel like crying and even cant stand my 3 years old niece. i got separated from my husband and seen my son last time in 2016 when was 2 years 9 months old just for 20 days. i left him and husband in 2015 when my son was 1year 2 months old. i cant stand anyone in my family. i feel like no one is mine. I am alone in this world. I am not working or doing anything for last 2 years from Jan 2018 till now. never being out of my house or can say my room. dont feel like talking to anyone.

  • Alina April 5, 2021, 6:27 pm

    I want to just genuinely smile, for once not having to fake every laugh. Nothing seems to make me happy, my brothers birthday was last week and while my stepmom took a video as I was sitting beside him my face was blank. I want to be that kind of person who I was when I was little- happy, smiling, and not have so much crap to deal with. Worrying about my dogs to see when was the last time they had gone out, if my cat has enough food and water, making sure I get a chance to see my mom since I moved out of her house, making sure all of my school work is at least half way completed. Everyone expects so much of me. “Why aren’t you happy?” “Do you ever smile?” “You have no friends.” “She was miserable the whole trip.” I want to be happy, funny and just..decent. My dad signed me up for soccer which I’m kind of dreading, it doesn’t make me happy- it makes him happy though. Yeah sure getting involved with anything will totally make me all better! No. I don’t have the energy to fake my attention span on a person talking to me about something I have no interest in. My dad says that I make everyone in the house ‘act weird around me’ because of how I act. I’m sorry, you think I can help it? Yeah maybe if I use all of the leftover energy in me to fake a normal conversation and actually act interested in a freaking birthday song. I’m too young to feel this way you could say. I’m not sad. I don’t really feel anything, I feel so numb. Of course I have feelings and they get hurt and destroyed by everyone around me all because I’m not like the rest of them where they’re all happy and smiles. I want to be like that. I really want it. Well that’s it for now.

  • Carrie April 25, 2021, 6:14 am

    Every day feels like a gray piece of paper tinged with red stripes of anger and blue stripes of sadness. Reading your post gave me a flicker of “maybe this could help” so I am finding your book in the hopes reading it helps re-ignite my will to exist.

  • Brandon April 27, 2021, 7:49 pm

    I feel like I don’t deserve happiness most days. When I do reach out for assistance, I am told I’m just seeking attention. I have gotten to a point where I just don’t even want to share how I feel anymore because of the fear of people thinking I am just an attention seeker. I just want to wake up and feel anything but empty. It’s just hard to understand why I deserve such pain, and no one cares.

    • Gabby Arbanas April 30, 2021, 12:23 pm

      Holding it in could be the worse thing you do for yourself. I care about you and I don´t even know you, there are always people out their willing to listen.

  • Gabby Arbanas April 30, 2021, 12:21 pm

    I´m sure you felt it, that baggage you carry around. I feel it on a daily basis. I have a lot going for me right now. I know what career I am headed towards, I am graduating and headed off to college this year. Yet I feel as if I am wasting my life. I work a lot, so I can afford college. I rarely have any free time and when I do I spend it with either my amazing boyfriend or family. I´m not quite sure why I feel like I am walking around depressed. I am tired and I resent those who are ¨happy¨ and have less responsibilities. Maybe I am growing up too fast. Please help.

  • lila May 10, 2021, 10:27 am

    writing here because i have no one else to talk to. i have talked my boyfriend to death. he is an angel by my ocd and childhood trauma and depression have caused me to be a psycho and ruin our connection. he is still perfect to me but i can tell he resents me. i look at people and wish so badly i could feel peace, believe in god, or just at least tolerate myself. i hate myself but i am bubble and encouraging so people think i am fine. it feels like no matter what i will never be able to convey the hole in my being. i used to be bright and child like and innocent and so creative but i am bitter and sad and everything feels overwhelming and makes me want to die. i just want to thrive but it feels impossible, i dont have a supportive family or many friends. i just want to feel content and peaceful, i have seen old people who have suffered immensely come to a play of fruition and peace but why cant i? i always feel mournful

  • I am okay May 12, 2021, 10:07 am

    Lately i have been thinking about how happy i was before and now. I never knew i would end up like this i hate everyone i cant control my feelings i think of suicide and i never laugh at all even in laughable things.

  • Luisa May 22, 2021, 6:25 pm

    I am 60, christian, cancer survivor, never married, no children, godmother to 5, lived around the world, educated, great career, wonderful parents….but lonely and a walking depressed person. I remember when I was young telling my mother I didn’t choose to be here….and she giggled. The events of the news, politics and declining morals and self entitlement and greediness in the world are so disappointing. I don’t remember it being this bad 50 years ago, although I’m sure it probably was. Finding healthy normal friends and my tribe is so challenging. I don’t believe a relationship is the answer, yet I am lonely living alone, especially at night time. That makes me more mad to face that paradox of preferring to live alone, but needing someone to share in my daily life with me at home to keep me company (essentially, my own family). I also have been overseeing six caregivers for my father for the last 12 years and am exhausted managing his life and care like a business 30 hours per week, resentful of my non competent siblings that can not help me or have dinosaur arms. My life feels like a decline with nothing to look forward to but old age and the death of my beloved father, my dear tribe member. My mother died of cancer when I was 25. Part of my sadness is that I have been unable to create a happy life for myself in the last 10 years so what makes me think I can do it in the future. Past history dictates the future often. I know this is stinkin thinkin but as my weight creeps up I feel like I am drowning in sorrow. I hired a psychologist and she just listened, they don’t HELP tear apart and deal with the issues. If anyone has any suggestions on what has worked for them, I am open to it. The one thing I know is I got some major good karma coming back to me, I just question how and when? Thanks for listening, praying for us all to find solutions and peace for our soul.

  • Aspen June 1, 2021, 6:36 am

    I’ve bee feeling unhappy and dissatisfied for a few years now. I struggle to function and feel much reward in accomplishments. Recently, my fiancé and abuser passed. I’m finding out about his infidelities and more along with coping with his death and trauma of the physical, emotional, and financial abuse. I’m a clinician in mental health and took FMLA to cope. Yet, the community health system is so screwed that I haven’t reaped the benefits of counseling. Minimal encounters, and the time it took to get an assessment has dragged to the extent that my three months are up next week and I’ve only met with the therapist twice including the assessment. Plus I worry about what I share now that health care is starting to share the same electronic medical records. Meaning, my agency has access to my files.

    I sleep all day. I find myself looking at old pics and messages shared with him. Resentment and heartache haunt me. Yet when I do open up to some, I get the responses of misdirected confusion. Hell, I’m confused. I am in grief and depressed. With my personality type, I overcompensate with pride to come off as strong and yet I feel so out of control and lost. If anything, I’m making my depression worse with my defense mechanisms. I don’t know how to stop.

  • MJ June 9, 2021, 9:11 am

    I totally understand and can relate to all this. The point of feeling worse in the morning and better at night hit home run. I am not a mom, and hats of to you all wonderful moms out there. Please go easy on yourself.

    I am a wife, a sister and a daughter. I always feel like I am unable to balance those responsibilities and that I am not doing enough and should do more. I want to do more, but I have no energy.

    I want to be around people, I feel lonely, but at the same time I don’t want to be around people, but stay in my house and watch tv or lie down all day.

    Everything in my life is going right, but in my mind nothing seems like its right. That there should be more to life than already is. I can’t live in the present.

    I am just writing my thoughts down because it is making me feel better, but at the same time I know as soon as I leave this blog i am going to go back into that same rut.

  • LW August 18, 2021, 1:45 pm

    I was with you until you need having a husband and children. I am 47 and don’t have either of those things. It’s hard not to feel bad when you can’t find one person on this earth for partnership. Literally everyone I know is partnered. I am so sick of feeling this way. It’s exhausting.

  • Tarey Darling August 18, 2021, 10:51 pm

    Its 1:45am in ohio on my couch as I write this. I’m sitting here crying, and I googled ” why am I so unhappy with my life?” I then find this article/blog whatever you choose to call it. My 1st husband was extremely physically and emotionally abusive to me for 13 years. Got away from that, went into hiding for 9 years with my 3 children. Bought my 1st home once they graduated( because I could afford to then!) Was diagnosed with cancer just 6 months later. Remarried, and it felt like the happiest day of my life, at the time. I always say that after my 1st husband it took me years to find myself again. But I don’t think I really have. Unhappy in marriage, unhappy in life. I am depressed, unfulfilled, bored, sad all of it at once. I absolutely do not know how to fix it.

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